Relationship Expert: "This is When You Should Walk AWAY!" | Sadia Khan

People have this arrogance where they're like, if I have to communicate, it's not real. In this world, especially because of movies and shows and songs, it's taught us that if we have to explain it, then that person doesn't love you. They should be able to mind read and predict and stuff, and then it creates the ingredients for a distant relationship.

Communicating effectively is essential.

Why do we try to change people from who they are to fit our world? Because we're too insecure to walk away. Waiting for them to change is just waiting for the divorce. When you enter a relationship, a part of that should be to respect enough to let go of relationships that don't serve the new relationship in a way that's going to be constructive. Just because I have the ability to have a very platonic relationship with an ex doesn't mean I should have the willingness to do it if it disrespects my current relationship.

How many people in relationships feel alone in the relationship?

I would say particularly in the cultures where we live now, I think majority of them feel alone. And the reason being is I think.

You gotta have a dream.

The School of Greatness.

Really? Yeah.

Please welcome Lewis Howes.

I've interviewed a lot of people over the last 10 years, and typically when someone has a lot of wisdom like yourself, they don't get to wisdom because everything was perfect. Yeah. And everything was happy and safe and comfortable, and life was good.

Yeah.

Usually some, challenge, trauma, breakdown at some stage of their life. You know, if they're, maybe they were in a marriage that went one way, they got divorced and they realized like, oh, there was a pattern that I lived or something happened. And so I'm going to go down this path because I had this experience. Yeah, it was a childhood thing or something like that. What do you think makes you so wise around these concepts of relationships and also Great context, you're not married, you don't have kids. So there's gonna be people saying, well, she doesn't, you know, she's speaking about this, but she hasn't really experienced relationship at this level. What makes you qualified to have this wisdom with where you're at in your life?

I don't know if it makes me qualified, but I would say that there has to be a healthy level of trauma to ignite this level of curiosity towards human nature. And I think in my particular case, I faced a lot of neglect, particularly from siblings. I was very much like the middle child, very much neglected. very much by myself. And the thing that was really bizarre for me is I'd be such a big personality outside of the home. I had so many friends and so many people would gravitate towards me, and then I would go in my home and my siblings would totally ignore me and act like I don't exist. And I would be spend countless amount of time by myself in my bedroom while they would have a great time and I could hear them laughing and joking and stuff. And I was automatically kind of in between two worlds. And so what would happen is I understood that the reaction I was getting outside of the home was not the same as I'm getting in the home, and it was causing something in me. I remember feeling like, I know I'm worthy of love because everybody else seems to love me loads, but I don't feel worthy of love because the people I want it from don't give it to me. So because I had this kind of dichotomy of self-esteem, I then realized how self-sabotaging I can be and how difficult I can be, In so many relationships, when people would be so love, and even to this day, like if somebody compliments me, I find it so difficult to accept a compliment, and I start to dislike the person who's complimenting me. Really?

Absolutely. So if I don't want to be.

Your friend, I'll be nice to you. Exactly.

Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh.

My, if I don't want to be your friend, be nice to you.

Exactly.

The quickest way to get me to dislike you is to give me compliments. Really? Absolutely. All of my closest friends are hyper critical of me, and I keep it that way. They'll say to me, that looks bad or you look terrible there or you've gained weight.

I think honesty, feedback is great. Yeah. You know, is also a great resource for a friend as opposed to over.

Complimenting something that's not true maybe.

Yeah.

So there's some, you know, there's some elements of balance in that. Yeah, there's some balance in there. But there's a strong dislike towards people who compliment me a lot because a part of me believes they're lying to me. And it would probably be because at home I never got a single compliment till this day. I don't think I've ever had a compliment. So I think what happened is My home life and my self-esteem were so separated from my confidence. I had loads and loads of confidence, but no real self-esteem. And I saw how on the surface I come across really well put together and really like, you know, confident, all these things. But when you get to know me, especially when the way my partner knows me, they see all of these insecurities and all of this pain and all of this thing. And it's like, that Sadiya I met and the Sadiya that like is now in love is two different people.

Really?

And me realizing that made me kind of go down this journey of understanding human behavior in a way that I guess requires a bit more empathy than somebody who would have it completely perfect.

Yes, you've really researched a lot.

Yeah, did that do the same for you when you were with your family?

Absolutely, I mean, again, being the youngest of four and kind of being feeling like I was always the one left out, right? Yeah. Like my other, I was a, you know, five, seven, eight year old brat, you know, just running around trying to get attention from my older siblings. They're off with their friends. They don't want anything to do with me. I understand. I'm four years my other sibling and then 11 years younger from my brother. So they don't hang out with a five or seven year old. It's, you know, it wasn't, and they had their own stress. So I don't blame them, but I felt very alone my whole childhood until I turned 13 and I left home.

Yeah.

And I was like, I can't deal with this pain anymore. Get me out. And that, and I was telling you beforehand, that made me an observer of human beings. My whole childhood, because I didn't feel like I belonged or fit in or was accepted. which I think a lot of people feel in some instance in their life, they don't feel like they belong, they fit in or they're not accepted in some way.

Yeah.

I felt that until I was 13, really. I sat and watched people and I observed people. What makes them react a certain way? Why are they in this energetic state? What makes them, you know, cry? What makes them laugh? Why are they reacting to this? You know, what was it? And so I just would watch people all day because no one would hang out with me. Right.

Okay.

I would watch people at school. I'd watch people, you know, I watched my siblings. I would just watch 'cause no one would spend time with me.

Right.

And that became an incredible skill set of understanding people. Of seeing people and having compassion.

Yeah.

Of seeing people and learning how to connect better. And it's an ongoing journey and a process. But, you know, that pain for really a decade plus became something that was a superpower in a sense that allowed me to Allowed me to have curiosity, someone like yourself being like, tell me more.

Yeah.

I want to learn. I'm fascinated by what you've experienced, what you've learned and why this pain or this challenge affected you to be this way.

Yeah.

Because I know what affected me to be this way than I am. Yeah.

And it actually made me very androgynous. The thing is sometimes the comments I get is, oh, you're feminine and stuff. But I actually consider myself really, I'm not this non-binary all this stuff. But men today, I think my content tends to be quite gender neutral. I kind of talk about men and women quite equally. But it was because I was left out from my sisters, girls. So what happened is I didn't identify with being a woman. And the other thing that is really interesting is when I was a third girl in my culture, Pakistani culture, you want boys. So when I was born, my parents were hysterically crying. They couldn't believe they had a girl. They were crying their eyes out to the point where the nurse came in thinking I stopped breathing. and like we didn't want a girl, we really didn't want a girl. And so what happened is, I grew up with almost like thinking I'm not a girl in a way, like I'm not one of the girls, I'm not one of the girls, but I am so feminine. So what would happen is I would always have more male friends and I'd always understand the male brain a bit better than the female brain because I always saw females as like people who don't like me and males would always be really nice to me. So I always kind of understood them way better than, and being a woman, I understand women, but I got this insight into the male brain that I couldn't have accessed if I wasn't so segregated from my sisters. So it actually helped me academically and in this career path, maybe not emotionally, but it definitely helped me in this way. Yeah.

Okay, there's a few things I wanna talk about there, but something came up for me in a heterosexual relationship. Yeah. What is it that men really want versus what women really want based on your experience growing up with men and understanding the male brain? and being a woman, what is it that men really want and that women really want? And if each opposite knew this, they would have a much better relationship.

I think for men, the ability to be completely unapologetically themselves and have their needs predicted is something they can't do anywhere else in the world. What I mean by that is for women, my best friend, for example, she'll know when I'm feeling low and she might get me a chocolate or my other best friends, I know I can call her when I'm stressed, sad, whatever it is. I can outsource this ability to have my needs met and without saying a word because women tend to be quite emotionally intelligent and I have the ability to be myself, vulnerable, happy, sad, whatever it is. For men in the real world, they have to be a man. They have to wear a bit of a mask. So they have to look like they've got it put together. They have to look like they're in control. They have to look, they have to look, they have to look. So if they can go home where they can take the mask off and still be loved and appreciated, that an appreciation for them isn't just a quick thank you. It's also like, I know you're tired, I know you're hungry, I know you need to get up early. So I'm just turning the, I'm putting the kids to bed, I'm just turning the volume off. I know you need to get to bed. That is a form of appreciation for them. So I think if they have a woman or an environment where they can take the mask off and their needs can be predicted, it's something that they think they can only dream of. They don't know that that actually exists for them. Would you agree or do you like, what do you think from your perspective as a man?

I mean, I think I can speak from my perspective and maybe like male friends that I talk to who are, you know, business owners who have, you know, multiple responsibilities beyond themselves and they have lots of employees or something like that or a brand or something is that there is a weight, there is a weight that these men feel and that I feel at times And I'm not saying, oh, woe is me, I have a weight or something. It's just you've got to show up responsible for people more than just yourself. You've got to show up and deliver not once in a while, but every single day. Yeah. And I welcome the responsibility. I'm blessed to have the opportunity and the responsibility to have a vessel physically and emotionally and mentally and spiritually to carry the weight that has been provided for me. I'm blessed. And that's why I train myself physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally to take it on where it feels light.

Yeah.

So that it doesn't weigh me down. But that doesn't mean there aren't days when it isn't challenging.

Yeah.

And just wanting to be able to go and relax and feel peace at home is the highest Currency. Feeling accepted and having a sense of peace.

Yeah, and what would that look like for you?

I mean, I get it almost every night. So I feel blessed, right? And that's why I feel even more peace because of that. But why I'm blessed is because I know the complete opposite of it. I know being here, and I'm not blaming anyone. It's just I know what it felt like to not feel that. and it feels more weight is piled on top of you. And I'm not saying it's the woman's responsibility or this and this, it's really just, I didn't choose correctly and that's okay. And I didn't communicate the right way.

And I had healing to do and all sorts of stuff. I think peace is definitely created. I know a lot of men say they want peace, but usually the men that are like, ah, dying for peace and can't find it, it's either they've chosen super chaotic, but they might be engaging behaviors that are also not conducive to peace. They don't have self control. They don't have self control. They're coming home late, they're drinking too much, they're watching pornography, and then they scream at their wife, like, why can't you give me peace? But honestly, when you meet a man who selects wisely and has self-control, peace is an inevitable outcome.

He doesn't have to ask for it. So, I'm hearing you say, like, a man that can have someone meet their predictable needs, correct? -As a form of appreciation. -As a form of appreciation. Which there might be women saying, well, how am I gonna predict when he can't predict what I want? When he's not reading my mind, when he's not, you know, there for me when I tell him everything's fine, but I have actually have an attitude and I'm not showing that everything's fine. How am I supposed to predict and be there for him if he can do that for me?

Because you have to ask yourself, do I like that he doesn't do that for me? Do I like that experience of him not seeing it, not doing it, so and so? If I don't like it, then surely why would I create that also? Why would I emulate a behavior I dislike? So perhaps you can role model the behavior you like and also manage your expectations. What I mean by this is when somebody isn't predicting your knees, men and women or isn't doing it, is it deliberate? Is it that, oh, f*** you, I'm not gonna do it for you? Or is it a case of, oh, I didn't know, let me help? So the reality is, are you communicating.

It before you get angry? And communicating early on.

Early on.

Not after you're married and then saying, this is what I need. Yeah. But actually communicating early on, this is something that I did differently and so did Martha. We communicated early on. this is what I'm gonna need now. This is what I'm gonna need in the future. It's not like these crazy needs. It's just like, this is to be in a committed relationship, to commit and be all in and be giving and of service and thinking about a future together.

Yeah.

Here's what I'm gonna need. And here, here's what I'm willing to do.

Here's what I'm not willing to do. And it's so wild because if any job description, anything like that, we'd want to know exactly what to do in.

Order to get them or to get promoted or whatever it is. And it doesn't mean It's not going to grow and evolve and there's going to be flexibility, but it's like at least communicate basic needs.

But people have this arrogance where they're like, if I have to communicate, it's not real because they watch too many movies. Oh my gosh. Yeah, so what's happening, especially in Western culture, in any other culture, in any other period of time, it's like, of course you tell people what you want. How else are they going to know? But in this world, especially because of movies and shows and songs, It's taught us that if we have to explain it, then that person doesn't love you. They should be able to mind read and predict and stuff, and then it creates the ingredients for a distant relationship emotionally. So I think communicating effectively is essential.

So what is it that if a man truly knew what a woman wanted, they would have a happier, healthier relationship?

It's difficult because it all depends on if you've chosen a woman who is healed and not so chaotic, essentially what they want is to be protected in a way that nobody else can. And what I mean by protected, it can be financial, emotional, whatever it is. But it's a way, if I'm protecting my woman emotionally, I'm not engaging in behaviors that will humiliate or hurt her. If I'm protecting her financially, it means I'm giving her my best. Doesn't mean I'm giving her everything, but the best I can do. If I'm a taxi driver, I'm covering what I can cover. But if I'm somebody who's frugal with her, she will always feel like she's more powerful than you. And whenever she feels like he's not protecting, she feels more powerful and then she becomes disrespectful. But when she has a man that's protective of her, both her safety, her emotions, her finances, she then allows him to take control. And whenever we feel more powerful than a man, we feel unsafe. And that unsafety makes us disrespect him and then look for other men.

Wow.

It's almost evolved. So therefore, if it can protect us in those ways, we remain feeling safe. So it's essential.

So what's the number one thing that makes women feel unsafe from the man they're with?

I would say that showing a complete disregard for her emotional well-being. And that doesn't have to be sleeping. It doesn't have to go that far to sleeping with other women. It might be as simple as not replying to her messages or, you know, behaving online, liking it. I know it sounds so bizarre, but you'll be so surprised at how unsafe a woman can feel simply by watching whose pictures he's liking and commenting and saving. It's such a simple thing from a man, but from a woman's perspective, it almost ignites her fight or flight response. Is that weird to a man?

Does it more for insecure women? I think to a conscious man, it makes sense that you're like, okay, would I like her doing this? Maybe you wouldn't, but I mean, maybe it wouldn't matter. For me, it doesn't really matter what she does, to be honest.

-Because you've established that trust. -Yeah.

And if we haven't created an agreement on something, then she's gonna do what she wants to do. And then I would just acknowledge and say, Hey, I don't really like this. Can we make an agreement on this? And we'll figure out what that is. And then, cool, we've created a new dynamic. But I also just feel confident with who I am. So if she's, off doing something which she never has, and I don't think she would ever do it, but if she's off doing something and I would find out it eventually and I say, okay, well that's unfortunate, but I guess this isn't the right fit or we need to figure out how to mend this.

Yeah.

Or I'll be okay if you want to go live this life. That's fine. It's not gonna be with me. Yeah. It's like, all right, that's sad.

It's unfortunate. It's- that's a healthy way to see it because a lot of people think addiction is a testament to how much you love someone. The fact that you can't let them go unless we mean you really love them. But actually it means that you haven't established healthy boundaries and you don't have any self-esteem.

-But yeah, but there's also probably like certain things that Martha may want to do that I want to do myself. And maybe it's not like the highest value that I would have or with my time or my energy or whatever, but it's who she is. It's unique to her. So I'm going to accept her for who she is. And I've chosen to accept her. That's when I got committed to her. Right before we committed, I said, Listen, is there anything else I need to know about you? Because I felt like I asked her as much as I could in a few months period, right? And I got to meet her family and travel and do all these things you get to experience together that could cause upset or different things come out. So I felt like I got to know at least a good amount in a short period of time. I said to her, As long as this is who you are and who you're going to continue to be, There's nothing that upsets me.

Oh, there's no deal breakers.

Well, I was just like, I'm gonna accept who you are. You know, well, there's some men that are like, okay, you were a model or whatever. You did something and now I don't want you to do that anymore. Now that we're together, you can't do this thing anymore. Martha's an actress. So she's done, I don't know, 40 different movies. She's kissed men in movies. She's done the different intimate scenes. I know that. And therefore, I had to ask myself, do I accept this if she continues being who she is?

Exactly.

And I had to say, okay, I'm okay with that. As opposed to you can't do this anymore.

You have to change to fit into my world. But that's the difference between insecure and boundaries because here's the thing, a lot of men, they'll say, no, I'm not being insecure, I'm just setting boundaries. But you are being insecure because here's the difference between insecure and boundaries. A secure man will see what you have to offer, read the menu and decide if he will stay or leave. Exactly. An insecure man will say, you need to do this, you need to do this, rather than just saying, you are who you are. I'm gonna have to leave. You're not right for me.

You're not right for me. Why do we try to change people from who they are to fit our world?

Because we're too insecure to walk away. Wow.

Yeah.

When we develop the willingness to walk away, we actually love people for who they are. Be like, you know what? You're always out in the club all day, every day. I actually like that you're really lively and extroverted, but it doesn't work for me. But when I'm insecure, it's like, please be something else, because I can't walk away from this. I can't find anybody else. So I'm always holding them by the throat and begging them to be a better person because I don't have the strength to know when to walk away. Wow.

So that's when we find- I've been.

Both of those in the past. Yeah, yeah. And it's so much nicer when you can become the person that just says, it's okay, you can be you. We don't need to be together. It's okay. And there's other humans in the world. Exactly. So you can keep it moving. And that's what the boundary is between a secure and insecure man or woman. Yeah.

And waiting for them to change is just waiting for the divorce. Oh my god. Here is a bonus relationship tip thanks to our sponsor, Regain. A couple's therapy option offered by BetterHelp. What's the question that's at your heart.

In terms of setting up intimate relationships for success?

I'm just trying to think about all the things that I did with Martha, my girlfriend, which is essentially the opposite of everything I've ever done before. But the thing that really made me say, oh, this is my partner, right? And I can really feel safe. emotinally, spiritually, physically safe with this person. It's early on I said, listen, I've made a lot of mistakes in my past relationships, and none of my past relationships have worked. But in each one of them, I wanted to do therapy when they weren't working. And the partners that I chose never wanted to do therapy with me. They were resistant. They It took a year and a half, two years of like it not working and me saying, Hey, can we do this and find support? Yeah. And they never wanted to do it. Um, and I say, listen, this isn't really an ultimatum, but I want to feel emotionally safe. Would you be open to going to therapy in the beginning of the relationship? Not when things have problems in the future, but can we go together now?

Yeah.

She was like, 100%. That'd be amazing. I'm down for whatever. She was like, I've always wanted to do that too. I felt like, okay, just start acknowledging that. And then us doing it has been a beautiful foundational process. You've heard us talk about BetterHelp online therapy, so we also want to share their couples therapy option, Regain. Visit regain.com/greatnesscouples. It's a powerful tool for any relationship at any stage. When women think that a man will change in the future, like, he's got so much potential, he's so great here and here, and, oh, I love his family so much, they welcome me in. But there's these two or three things that I just, man, maybe one day he'll change.

Yeah.

What typically happens in that relationship?

They've fallen in love with their imagination. And when reality strikes, and unfortunately, reality strikes, At some point, reality strikes when we fall in love with our imagination, which we're very capable of doing, particularly if we've been traumatized. One thing with traumatized people is that their imagination and reality can get blurred. When we fall in love with our imagination, unfortunately, life will keep testing you, and reality testing will keep occurring until you're forced to face the person they truly are. And it's usually kids or 10 years later or something like that. And then they'll say, they'll act like, you know, I didn't know he was like this. He came out of nowhere. How can he's like this? But really, they showed you who they were from day one. They always showed you. You fell in love with your imagination, and now you're angry that your imagination is not reality based. So unfortunately, it doesn't end well. It's better to just be accept the person for who they are, flaws and all, than to live in the illusion.

That they're going to change. Before you marry and get committed at that level. Absolutely.

What is...

I've... from the people that I... the women that I've... talked to who have been married and divorced. I always like to ask this question. Yeah. Did you know before you got married that it probably wasn't the right person? Like somewhere inside you knew, or maybe you actually knew, but you just were too far along and you went through with it thinking you would change.

Yeah.

Probably 95% of them said, yes, I knew. I knew the day I got married. I knew the week before. I knew afterwards. But I would try to make it work anyways. Yeah. why do you think so many women get married knowing it's the wrong man?

I think what happens is the biological pressure to become is something we can't escape. And I think no matter how many holidays we can kid ourselves with and how many career opportunities and how many alternatives, there's a biological thing that kicks in with women late 20s even. It doesn't have to wait till people think it happens really late. It doesn't. It happens quite early on that where they start to think that they need to know what the future will look like. To ease their anxiety, even if they're not going to have kids today, to ease their anxiety that they will become a mother, they just want to settle down. They just want to tick that box. And in the process of kind of submitting to the evolutionary pressures and societal pressures, they overlook the red flag. And sometimes it's not the man that's the issue. They knew themselves that they're not ready for marriage. They know themselves they're not very good at conflict or they know themselves they're still attached to an ex, but the pressure to settle down that they apply on themselves and their body kind of causes for, causes them to walk down the aisle knowing what the result will be. Do men have that too?

I don't ask men that question as much.

What I found with men is they can sometimes know that they're not marrying the right person, but usually because these men, they tend to be okay with accepting the monotony of marriage. Those men that walk down the aisle knowing it's not the right person, they tend to be like, it's not the right person, but I'm okay with settling down. And I accept the bland reality of marriage. They've succumbed to it. But with women who know, they will eventually go in, like, ask for the divorce. Men are happy to stay married, even if they're not madly in love or.

Not madly happy, if they're that kind of guy. Who files for divorce more, men or women?

Women, yeah. Why is that? A lot of the time it's a cry for help. There's been so many times where women say to me, it's like, oh, I told him I wanted divorce, but hoping he'd come back to me, but he let me pack my bags. And so sometimes they file for divorce or take it that far as a way of testing their partner. And if they're with quite a healthy partner, they'll take your word as gospel, and they think you mean it.

Why do so many women try to test their men constantly?

It's an evolutionary thing. It's an evolutionary thing because here's the reality, we are designed to have children with men and childbirth is potentially fatal. We die from childbirth if we were left in, you know, our natural habitat. So to put that risk onto a relationship, he better be able to endure all types of storms. So we have to test them. So we have to unfortunately test them. We have to test, are they going to be faithful? Are they going to be financially stable? Are they going to be able to like have their own boundaries. We push, we push, we push. Now the problem is, unfortunately for men, is when we push you and you succumb to us, you automatically lose us. What we're saying when we're pushing you is really make sure you don't give in to this because if you do, then I know you're not strong enough.

Oh my God, give me an example.

What's a common example? It might be something like I push a man to say, I'm gonna come home when I want. I'm gonna come home and do what I want with the girls wherever, I'm gonna come on girls trips, I'm gonna do whatever I want. push you, push you, push you. And then when you actually give in and say, okay, essentially she feels like she's not being protected. So she feels like nobody's governing her. You don't have a spine. You don't have a spine. You're not responsible. Or she might say, I'm talking to my ex-boyfriend and you say, I don't feel comfortable with that. She went, no, you have to, I have to, have to. Fine. He accepts it. Essentially she's saying that you don't mind coccodry. You don't mind if I have an affair. Bye. So essentially what we're begging for sometimes is the boundary, not the kind We're not looking for you to bow down.

Wow.

So hard for men to figure that out. I feel so bad for men. It's like reverse psychology all the time, unfortunately.

Outside of people who are divorced and are responsible for communicating with their exes to co-parent.

To co-parent, yeah.

Do you think it's possible for a man or a woman to speak to an ex partner as a friend while they're in a new relationship and not be an issue?

I think it's definitely possible, but it's not necessarily respectful. Here's the thing, it's definitely possible. Two people can move past it and they're not into each other and whatever it is, but it's not respectful to your new connection. So you have to choose whether just because I have the ability to have a very platonic relationship with an ex doesn't mean I should have the willingness to do it if it disrespects my current relationship. or my current partner. If your partner is okay with it, maybe that's different, but I just think you should be self-regulated enough to know where your values are based. And when you enter a relationship, a part of that should be to respect it enough to let go of relationships that don't serve the new relationship in a way that's going to be constructive. What do you think?

I think that's right. Yeah, I was gonna ask you, do you think it's, do you think a man or a woman who is not liking if their partner is speaking to their ex, Relationship. Does that mean they are jealous and insecure or actually they have self-esteem?

I think it's an element of boundaries. I think it's just a case of, I think we naturally desire partners who are self-regulated. We naturally want a partner that says, oh, I'm in a relationship now. I love you and I care for you, but I'm in a relationship and I don't want it to affect my new partner. So we naturally want somebody who has that. Now, if we are asking for them to have that, and it doesn't necessarily mean insecure, it just means that you prioritize the relationship over other relationships that should really be a priority. And a formal relationship outside of children with children is really important and it's really important to have a healthy relationship. But outside of children, it doesn't have just triggered jealousy, but it would be nice if your partner respected things without you having to voice them.

Sure, sure.

Would you be okay with somebody speaking to an ex or?

I wouldn't like it.

Yeah.

It doesn't mean I would feel like, okay, you spoke to your ex, like, why?

Yeah.

I would say, why do you need to?

Doesn't mean they're gonna have Happening if that.

I wouldn't be insecure about it. I'd be like, talk to whoever you want to. Yeah. Because it's not gonna make me insecure as a human.

Because if you wanna be with your.

Ex, then go be with them.

Yeah.

Don't be with me. Yeah. But I would just be like, why is this necessary? So if there was, if it was, you know, they had kids together, that's the only thing that makes sense. But if you just wanna hang out and talk to them while you go.

That doesn't work for me. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't work for me. Yeah. And I just wouldn't understand it. And it's not necessary.

If things are necessary, it makes total sense. Why do you need to talk to them? It's not necessary. That's what I would say to that as well. I wanted to ask you a question.

About.

Self-Control and self-esteem. On a scale of one to ten, for you personally, 10 being high and one being low. Where are you on self-control and personal self-esteem?

I would say about a six. I'm not as high as I would like to be.

On what? Self-control?

Self-control. I've got a lot, I never drink and I don't overeat and I go to the the gym and stuff like that. But here's the thing, my self-control goes out the window during when I'm angry. I hear him, this is the thing.

So in what happens when you're angry, when you're triggered, the lioness comes out.

What happens? I mean. And so the thing is all of the thing is I pray five times, I'll fast in Ramadan, I don't really swear, I don't watch pornography, I don't, all of these things are great. But the thing is those are really self like what I do for myself. But when I get angry, I hurt the people I love the most. And therefore, I can't say my self-esteem, my self-control is high. And as a result, I can't say my self-esteem is high because nothing hurts me more than hurting the people I love. So it's almost like a paradox. But because of my temper, it's gotten better. It gets better. I think I'm just seeing lost energy over the years. But when you hurt people, because you can't control your tongue, you go back feeling loads of shame and guilt. Afterwards, you feel bad.

Absolutely.

Whereas when you hold your tongue, there's no shame and guilt. Zero. So even on a spiritual level, on a religious level, on an emotional level, when you can't control your tongue, what good is it that you can get to the gym at 5:00 a.m.? What good is it that you can avoid carbs for a week if you're hurting people with your tongue? And especially when this is the problem, when you're like a bit of a speaker and an eloquent speaker or whatever it is, you're equally eloquent when you're being horrible. So your heart's even more. Even more. Good, you're smart and witty. Yeah.

So awful. So, so, okay, you said seven on.

Self-Control six or seven?

Six or seven because of my temper.

On self-esteem, where are you? I would say six as well.

Six or seven. And is it different with your self-esteem.

In your career versus relationships? I derive no self-esteem from my career.

Zero. No self-esteem. Zero. Come on.

Isn't that weird?

You wouldn't be able to create content.

Consistently if you had zero self-esteem. I do because I have some self-esteem.

I get confident.

Here's what I do. You have confidence? I have confidence. But not self-esteem. What's the difference between the two? Confidence is my ability to get the job done. I can release a good video. I know that. And I can speak well on a podcast. I know that. Whatever it is, self-esteem is doing to deserve this level of accolade and notoriety. Not really. In my head, no, not really. In my head, it's just like, do I deserve this level of like, because I always say, and I feel bad about this, you know, some people are like manifesting this for years and they've got a team and they've got, I had a vision board and they've hired somebody. I never thought about being on social media. I have a bunch of spelling errors in every post because I don't even proofread. I actually post while I'm on the treadmill. I take zero pride or energy and it just, praise be to God, just happens to land well. So my confidence is through the roof. I can do it all day, any day. I know that self-esteem wise, there's always an element. And this is why I have the imposter syndrome. This is why I was so nervous when I met you. I was like, shaking. I was like, oh, because I'm confident, but I don't know if I deserve to be here with you. So that's where my self-esteem for some reason doesn't seem to catch up with my confidence. Not yet, anyway.

How do you have confidence in putting something out if you know people are gonna see it though? Yeah. When you know people are gonna see it and they're gonna comment on it and they're gonna give critique, good or bad.

Good or bad, yeah.

How do you have the confidence to put it out there if you lack the self-esteem to receive whatever comes from back?

I think it's just growing up as a punching bag that you're almost prepared for negativity. I think that's what it did. It created me such a thick skin that it's not that I'm posting because I think I'm so great. It's I'm posting because I can handle the hate. And weirdly, I get so much hate, and it's not weirdly, understandably, I get so much hate. And considering I'm relatively like, I'm not out here like trying to like kill your dog. I'm just a little too tone. But I get such a disproportionate amount of hate for considering my line of work. And it's because it's all, I'm always ready for it. I'm always ready for that because I've always received a lot of criticism and a lot of hate. not just with sisters, just in general, with women in general throughout my life. So because I've always received that, I have the confidence, because here's the thing, confidence isn't necessarily how great you think you are at something, it's your ability to accept the rejection. So because I have zero concern that you're gonna be offended or you're gonna be hurt or you're gonna upset me, that's what pushes me to do it. No, it's okay for me. So it's a bit like if I cook something and you didn't love it, I'm okay with that. That makes me confident, not just because of the positive, but I can accept the worst case scenario. Because I can accept worst case scenario, all the hate, all this, that and the other. That's why I have confidence.

Self-esteem doesn't really come from there. It's like you can accept the worst case scenario, but you can't accept the best case.

Absolutely not.

Is that so weird?

But you have the confidence to put out stuff consistently. Such a weirdo.

That's an interesting dynamic. That's a weirdo, right? It doesn't, none of it makes sense. Sadia, what would life be like if you were able to receive all the positive abundance that comes your way. Love, affirmations, generosity, kindness, compliments. What would life feel like if you could truly receive it?

I would sleep better. I think that's the main thing. I would sleep a lot better. I think I constantly have like micro awakenings because I'm very good at kind of brushing away the anxiety, but your body keeps score of everything. And the amount, the way I kind of sleep, it's always a signal that you're not at peace. and you haven't accepted the love that's ever been directed towards you. You almost push it away and you home in on the negative and you sabotage the love in some way, shape or form. And I think if I accepted it in the right way, I would sleep a lot better. How do you sleep right now?

Terribly.

I love it in LA because I've got a jet lag. So for some reason, I'm asleep at 8 p.m. and waking up before him. But in the real world, I have to numb myself into sleep. So I have to watch something that will distract me from my thoughts. I have to, I can't be alone with myself. So I have to keep noise on, I have to watch something, I have to distract myself into falling asleep. But just a gentle rest will never come to me. Isn't that weird?

It's not weird. Because for 30 years, I couldn't sleep.

What did you do in that time?

And I think it's a trauma response to feeling like something's gonna happen. Yeah, unsafe. I used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming, crying, at the top of my lungs. until my mom would come in, probably till I was like nine or ten.

And what was it, dreams or like that would make you like...

I think my nervous system was so on high alert from not feeling emotionally safe or physically safe in some ways. Not necessarily because I felt like my parents were gonna do something to me, but I just didn't... When you're emotionally unsafe, you typically are physically feel...

Your body feels unsafe.

You can't trick it. You're not like, okay, I'm not worried about what's around my surroundings. You're always kind of like looking around and being like, what is that? What is that? You know? And so I, it would take me a while to go to sleep. Right. An hour and a half a night. I would lay there or try to sleep. I couldn't do it. And I would just be ruminating on my thoughts, fears, insecurities, doubts, traumas, and, and I would just wake up screaming.

About how old were you when that was?

Yeah. From five to probably nine or ten.

So big enough to, like, not be screaming.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It wasn't like I was two.

Long baby. Um, and I still wasn't able to sleep until I Wow.

I mean, I could sleep, but it.

Would take me an hour.

Your body would be exhausted, but your mind wouldn't.

And I would stay up super late because I just couldn't sleep and I was worried. And so I had a lot of anxiety, anxious thoughts. And I started to sleep better when I started to heal the biggest traumas from the past. And then I started sleeping for five minutes. Oh, amazing.

That's like, wow.

That's right.

Yeah, but it was, you know. That's an evolutionary thing because we used to sleep in, like, hunter-gatherer times where there'd be predators and stuff. only when we feel safe could we sleep well. And they did studies on the Amish community. Joanne Harriet writes about this, where in because they're collectivists and they all work together and they're all one group, they literally sleep like constantly in deep sleep. So they get full sleep because they know they're so protected. Whereas in Western cultures where people are isolated, they sleep, they have the highest rates of insomnia.

Yeah, so it's actually biological. Being from Ohio, you know, Amish, country is in Ohio.

Oh, really?

Amish communities.

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.

Throughout the Midwest. But I've, you know, you drive through Ohio and you'll see different Amish communities where it's literally they're driving around in horse and carriage. Wow. They don't use electric electricity. They don't use certain tools. Right. It's like hammer and saw.

Oh, wow.

And simple clothes, you know, work on a farm, and they're usually selling something, you know, and they seem wild. And you'll watch it, it's kind of like, it's fascinating. It looks like you're going back in time 200 years. And I have a lot of respect for the Amish community, for the community that they work together, they share together, they give together, and they're all working together. They're doing something physical. The kids are out and they're doing something, but they're around the parents close by, at least from my observation. I can imagine if you're outside in nature working hard all day long, you're gonna pass out. Of course. You're like, I'm gonna pass out.

And so much trust, you are okay, your identity is so spread along the whole community that you're getting the Jewish community do this really well as well. Yeah, they share responsibility to children and they raise each other. So they have this ability to not rely on their own kind of a compliment to determine their self-esteem. As long as the group is good, they feel good. So you spread it out and therefore it's very difficult to have an identity crisis. because it's not all about you.

It's very hard to be bored. It's very hard to be...

It's hard to feel depressed, hard to feel lonely, hard to feel all the things that are actually quite toxic. And they create a buffer for it. Yeah, it's amazing.

Do you think, how many people in relationships do you feel like they feel alone in the relationship?

I would say particularly in the cultures where we live now, I think majority of them feel alone. And the reason being is, and Esther Perel really highlights this well, is that we've got all of our needs, like our social, emotional, cognitive, all of this, we're putting it all on one person. And when they can't fill all those needs, we start to feel alone. But before we would have a community, which spread all those needs across different people. And as a result, we wouldn't blame our partner for our lonely kind of experiences. So I think, and I noticed this particularly with housewives in Western communities, what happens with housewives because it's feeling under, kind of, they haven't fulfilled their potential completely in their mind. I'm not saying that they haven't, but in their mind, they feel lonely. They feel super lonely because they almost feel like they're asleep to the child for the first couple of years. And whereas before in our mom's generation and their generations, there'd be so many other moms, there'd be so many stay-at-home moms, so many aunts, uncles, everybody would be close by, that child rearing wasn't so difficult. Now you have to do it totally alone. So they end up finding it really difficult and they feel really lonely and they resent their husband as a result. Because if you just share it with somebody and he's usually gone to work or done something, so they end up resenting and it causes a lot of rift.

Why do you think new moms like to do it alone versus do it with support? Parenting.

Because we've created individualistic societies, what's happened is we don't trust people anymore. We see people as predators. whereas in other societies they literally share breastfeeding. They're like, give me your baby, put it on there, and they do stuff like that. They raise them, they pay for them, they do everything. So we've almost created a fear of connection, a fear of sharing responsibility, and understandably because the world's a bit of a messy place. So what happens is they want to take sole responsibility, but then they're overburdened and then they're angry as a result.

So it's a really tricky scenario for them.

Yeah.

Knowing what you know, and what you've studied and what you've heard from men and women in relationships and what you've heard from moms, even though you're not a mom yet. What is it that you think you need to take responsibility for to set yourself up for a healthy, conscious love with a partner, but also as a mom? So you're not resentful, you're not lonely, you're not angry at your partner. What do you think you get to work on for yourself?

I think in order to be that mom that's present and able to soothe that child, you have to ensure that there are no wounds within yourself that you're going to project onto that child or require your husband to feel for you. When you've still got these unmet wounds, what will happen is you'll either molly cuddle and over kind of attach to our wounds. Or protect, over protect, over protect, not allow them to experience emotion, project your fears onto them and say, oh, don't touch this, everything's scary, or you will neglect one or the other. and both of them are equally damaging. You're either passing on anxiety or you're passing on avoidance and, you know, distance. So I think until you heal those wounds, as much as you might want to be a mom, myself included, it's better to reserve it to a time where you can do that child justice because we almost can't redo their childhood.

What's the part of you that feels like there's something that I'm still holding on to? I get to heal, I get to transform, I get to process so you can step into motherhood one day of being, you know, the best mom you can be.

God willing. I think when I am around children, what I learn and why I love them so, so much, it's the only environment where I don't feel judged because children don't really judge you. They just kind of like use you, but they're cute. They just play and stuff. And I remember being around 21 years old and going to like a kids party and just having the time of my life with these four-year-olds and they must have thought I was like some kind of, I need to be on a register of some sort because I was just so obsessed with But because I've always felt so judged and rejected, I always felt almost really at home with children, really loved at home with children. And I didn't want to kind of make that the responsibility of having a child for me to feel cushioned and for me to feel at home and for me to feel like I've got an insurance policy for an emotional connection for the rest of my life. So I think now that I've been out into the real world, I think in a way it's been really healing because I've learned that I actually am maybe not as bad as I think I am, and I'm not as hated as I think I'm actually really appreciated and therefore I don't need to rely on this child to heal a wound that they didn't create.

Interesting.

God willing. If I become a mum, God willing.

This has been really inspiring, Sadi. I'm grateful for your conversation.

No, and like I said to you earlier, I'm so grateful that you've provided society with an alternative to Netflix, an alternative to TV. It's just so impressive and you're doing such a service to so many people by providing them an alternative. So I really, really appreciate this opportunity.

I appreciate it. Yeah, we've got a great team that's doing a lot of the effort and the work behind the scenes to make this possible. And yeah, this has been inspiring. How can we be of service to you today? How can we support you? Where can we follow you? Where would we like to direct people more about? If they're loving this conversation, how can they get more from you?

I still do one-to-one. So @SadiaPsychology on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok. Tock still do one-to-ones I also have a patreon. If you have a quick question you want to ask me, I'm always available and I put all of my extended content on there and yeah, you can just pretty much see me on most people's Tick Tock feeds. Unfortunately, I'm so, so sorry. I keep popping up. Even I get annoyed. I see my face and I'm like, oh, God, go away. So I do apologize. I happen to be everywhere, but unfortunately, you'll probably see me in most places. You should be everywhere.

Unfortunately. So thank you again so much for the opportunity. Of course, Sadia psychology. On Instagram, is it sadiapsychology.com as well?

Yeah, my website.

Your website, sadiapsychology.com as well. You got YouTube also, I'm sure you'll have a lot more stuff coming out in the future.

This is a question I ask everyone.

Towards the end called the Three Truths. Okay. So imagine a hypothetical scenario. You get to live as long as you want, Sadiq, but it's your last day on Earth.

You have the family, the kids, the.

Career, the relationship, everything you want happens. Right. But for whatever reason, all of your content has to go with you on your last day.

-Right.

-So no one has access to this information or anything you ever create in the world. But you get to leave behind a message that shares your three lessons to the world, your three truths. What would those three truths be for you?

I would like to express my appreciation to God for creating a set of values that I could have never found by myself in the world that we live in today. So had he not sent his message, I would have been very lost. The other truth I would say is the importance of connection with family and children. Children are really, really healing and important. And if we don't nurture them, unfortunately, we create the members of societies we grow on to hate. So nurture children as much as possible. And practice self-control. I'd always say practice self-control is self-healing. So if you can form a way of practicing self-control, I promise you it's an investment in your future self that you'll appreciate.

I love that. that. Before I ask the final question, Sadi, I want to acknowledge you.

I know you're probably not gonna like me.

I hate this spot. You're not gonna like me.

Maybe you don't want to come back on after this.

I'm gonna get so offended. I don't even know. Your healing journey is gonna, you know, start and continue when you allow love in, when you allow compliments and acknowledgment in. And so maybe it won't do right now, but I want to acknowledge you, Sadi, for your wisdom. you know, you experience the, the challenges that you've been through and are still going through to be able to have a perspective that can share and support people. And there's, you know, things that you said today that I think will help a lot of people open their eyes. Some things will land, other things won't land.

Yeah.

Some things are going to resonate deeply and help people overcome a pain in their life. And other things, they may say, that doesn't work for me. Yeah. But either way, I acknowledge you for getting out of your comfort zone. Leaning into your confidence and being consistent by sharing this information with others, because it is making an impact. So I really appreciate and acknowledge you. And the only thing you're allowed to say is thank you.

Thank you.

That's your practice.

That was a great practice. Thank you.

Of course.

And I was trying my hardest to believe in, can you believe that my mind starts to believe that you don't mean what you're saying as you're speaking? Isn't that terrible? but I will work on that. And I promise you, when I, when I see you again, I will work on this.

Perfect. That's your, that's your homework.

That's my homework. That's your exercise.

Thank you so much. I do appreciate that.

Okay, Sadiya, final question. What's your definition of greatness? Filling your potential in whatever area that may be and not relying on highs to soothe your anxieties.

Why do you think women cheat more than men?

Because they're in denial. about the infidelity. When they cheat, they don't even label it as that. When if a woman starts cheating, what are they labeled as? They label it as my husband's no longer satisfying me. They won't even say I'm cheating. They'll say my husband isn't satisfied. They find a way to redirect and shift the.