Stop Chasing LOVE & Do This Instead To Find Love! | Martha Higareda & Lewis Howes

Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. I'm very excited about today's episode. This is a special episode, a couple of things. Number one, I've never sat on this side of the table. So that's the first thing. I'm on a different side of the table if you're watching on YouTube. Number two, this is a first in the history of the School of Greatness. I've almost 10 years and almost 1400 episodes. I've never had my intimate partner on the show. So it's a very big deal. So we have the inspiring Martha Igarreta in the house. Very excited because this is a woman who has captured my heart, who has fully loved and accepted me for who I am as a human being. And it is an incredible journey to live life with you. So it's been a beautiful journey. If you don't know who she is, she has done over 40 movies as an actor, many TV shows as a producer, written many movies as well, and just is extremely creative and talented and wise in a lot of different ways in the world. She is someone who's tapped in spiritually into her heart and with the mystical parts of the universe, and she is someone who is a big giver to her friends, her family, and most importantly to herself, which I think is really powerful. And she's a big giver to me as well. So very excited. I love you. Thank you for being here.

Thank you for saying we just Miguel Cimó.

Today is actually Valentine's Day that we're recording this, but this will come out later because Martha has a exciting movie coming out on Netflix called Fuga de las cenizas.

Queens on the Run.

Queens on the Run. It's coming out. So this will come out sometime before your movie. So I want you guys to watch the movie. It's an amazing experience and there is a very special guest appearance from an American that you will see as well. You are in the movie. So when you see it, be sure to let me know. But this episode I want to talk about is relationships and love. And again, Martha has a lot of experience in learning about her heart and doing therapy over the years, and being in relationships that didn't work for her. and now hopefully being in a relationship that does work for her. So this is all about love and relationships. And you know, actually your movie has a lot of lessons about love and relationships as well because there's four different women in the movie that all have like a struggle in their relationships. And you've been the queen of romantic comedies in Mexico and in Latin America and exploding in the box office over the years of writing and being the lead of romantic comedies. But in romantic comedies, there's typically an approach to love and relationships that looks good on TV and in the movies, but doesn't always necessarily translate to real life. So can you break down, first off, what the typical way of love looks like in the movies and in TV and how some of it actually works in real life, but some of it hurts women and hurts individuals from thinking it needs to be a certain way that actually has not worked. So let's start with that.

Okay. So as you said, I've been doing a lot of romantic comedies in Latin America and that in Latin America and in general in the world, we are.

Usually.

Always movies and TV shows usually show the part in which you get to know the other person and you say, oh, I like color blue. Me too!

You!

Know, I like salsa, me too! Like all these different things.

Likes and interests.

Likes and interests. And then when the movie ends, usually, and I'm talking about all the different, you know, princesses movies and all the romantic comedies that I've done and that I've written, by the way. And in which the concept of my other half, the concept of You complete me. You know, we know this movie that Tom Cruise did saying like, you, complete me. All of these things, what they do is that they make you feel you're incomplete and that then therefore someone else is going to complete you. And then on top of that, when these movies are released, they only show you all that. And then the end is they kiss, they get married, and then that's it. So they are actually being faithful to the title, you know, the genre, romantic comedies, because they're so romantic. So they show you only the romance of it all, but they don't show you necessarily what happens after, unless it's a drama, and then it probably, you know, but usually they don't. So then as women and as men, we grow up thinking, oh my God, I want that love story. You know, where's my guy? I need to find him. And then when you meet him, you do feel like, oh my God, he completes me. Or you make the other person my whole world. You are my whole world. And then therefore, when you break up, all of a sudden, your entire world collapses. You go into depression, you're crying, you feel empty, you don't know who you are. And I think this is the mistake of romantic comedies. And I feel guilty of it because I've written them. And I also used to fall into the old paradigm of romanticism in that way. Not anymore. And I did a lot of work before meeting you. And I know you did a lot of work before meeting me.

Wait a minute, so I don't complete you?

No, you don't.

I'm not your whole world, your whole universe. I'm not everything for you. I'm not your whole world. Oh my gosh, stop this interview. You're not.

But you are a big, gigantic planet in my solar system. Ooh. You know what I mean? So there's-- in my solar system, there's my family, there's my friends, there's my job, there's my mission, there's our pets, there's all of these different things. And then you're Jupiter, you know? You're a huge planet.

I can't be the sun?

No.

I can't warm your entire being?

But you know what I mean. so it's, it's having your universe and having your solar system complete, full, happy, joyful with your own purpose, your own mission, your own independence, and then meeting another person who also has his universe with his whole planets and, you know, Jupiter and Mercury, Venus, whatever, I'm thinking Spanish, but, you know, like all these different planets and then say, hey, Let me tell you about my universe. I want to hear about yours. And then if it matches, then we'll share the universes together, and then we expand. But then it doesn't become a thing of like, oh, if it doesn't match, then I'm left with nothing. Because you were my universe.

That's devastating.

Devastating.

So what should people be thinking about as they're looking for a romantic partner? How should they approach finding or creating intimacy, love, and a partner when they are single.

I think the most important thing to do when you're single is to know yourself very well and to know how you like to love and how you like to be loved. I don't think we do that with honesty. all the time. Like usually what happens is when you're, and I used to be this way, I was single and then you know your heart breaks and all this stuff and then you go, okay, so where's my guy? I want to find my guy and you go try to find your guy without even finding yourself, without even really knowing yourself and what you like, what you don't like, what you, where your boundaries, what you can accept, what you wouldn't, like all these different things. So then what happens is you meet a guy, He's cute, you're kind of into the same thing, and then all of a sudden you see all these amazing things about the guy, but you don't realize these other things that he does. Oh, he doesn't treat waiters very well, but you didn't see it because you had the pink glasses on, right? But then later, months later, you start going, Wait a second, I think this guy's a narcissist, and I didn't realize it. So I'm just saying that's not all the time, but But usually you go try to find love without knowing what you like and what you can accept or not accept.

Yeah, and I think it's we know our likes and interests. And so when we see others that have a similar likes and interests, we feel like we match. But it's not enough to have similar likes and interests. We need similar values and vision and lifestyle. We need to see that these things match.

Yeah.

But usually we are like, oh, they like the same things, the same music, the same adventures, they like traveling, so we like each other.

Yeah, how can we do that? Like if you think, oh my God, you like salsa, I like salsa too. Great. Are you really gonna build a lifetime with somebody just because he likes salsa and you do too? No, it has to do more with other things that are deeper, values. That's a big one. You know, most people waste a lot of time and energy because you were asking that. into meeting a person and noticing all these amazing things but not asking the real questions. Like a woman, let's say, you're a woman that you want to have a family, have children, you see yourself growing old with somebody, you know, growing in youth with someone. And you meet that guy and not only until like six months later because you don't want to scare him away, you ask the question, hey, do you see yourself with kids? Ask it early.

Like, scare him away.

Please. And if you're scared, because I have friends that said, but Martha, I'm gonna scare this person away. Scare him away. If he leaves, then that's not the person for you. The same with guys, you know, like ask these things. Because then later now you're in a relationship, and then what happens? Now you're in love, now the families, the friends, you're, you know, everything, and then you start asking those questions. And now it starts the battle of trying to make the other person change.

That doesn't work.

Of course not. Nobody can change anybody. Nobody can change anybody.

And what happens when you're trying to change someone else? What does that say about you?

What I think it says is that you really don't love them deeply. Because when you love somebody deeply, you can accept them and you can see them. And I think there's a difference between falling in love and loving someone deeply. And falling in love is the process in which you are recognizing yourself through the eyes of your lover. So, Lois, you're an amazing guy. And I tell you these things, right? And you know this about you. There's this hidden part of you. You go, yeah, I'm an amazing guy, actually. And you hear me saying it and you go, oh, my God, I love you. That's falling in love. I am, you're seeing yourself through my eyes, because I see your qualities and I say them to you, you see them. But then there's the other part, which is really deeply falling in love, is to see everything about that person, not only the good parts, also the other parts, and saying to that person, I accept you.

Right.

You'Re not perfect and you don't have to be because no one is. I accept you and because I'm able to see all of the parts of you, then I love you deeply. So for example, when I was dating you, everything you were saying and you were being and your action and everything, it was information for me about who you are. Because my intention was not to change you, not to do anything, but just to get to know you. and like I said, people are fascinating, right? And especially when you're in the dating process, I was, you know, I met you and I was like, oh my God, who's this guy? I want to know who he is, what he is all about. And so anything you would do, I wouldn't take it personal. And so I think, and I don't know if you agree, but sometimes the mistake that we do is that we try to accommodate to the other person because we want to be loved. we want to be liked. Or we see only the best parts that they have, but we don't see the other parts. Right? Right. And so then when we do that, we kind of cloud ourselves, we cloud our vision, because we're not seeing who the entire persona is, the entire personality is of the person that you're seeing. And for example, there was in a different time, I went out with a guy that was great, but he was into ketamine. I don't do any drugs, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do anything. And so instead of being judgmental, because that's the thing, the mistake we make very quickly, we become judgmental. Instead of being judgmental, I was so curious, who is this person? I want to know. And then when he mentioned that, with curiosity, I was like, oh, tell me more. I want to know more. And then obviously what happened is I went home that night and I was like, this is not the guy for me. It will be the guy for someone else, for sure, that enjoys that, which is good, but not for me. So that's why I feel like knowing yourself very well is very important in order for you to then go out in the world and meet other people and find whomever it is your best match. So for me, when I met you, and you were like, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do any drugs. I was like, yes!

You!

Know, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do any drugs. And for me, that's important, you know, and the values. The values were very important. You have amazing values and integrity, you know, you have this generosity, you are kind with people. And I think for me that was very important to see that, you're not only saying that you have all these values, because we had conversations about values. You're not only saying that you're being the values that you're saying. And it was really beautiful when I met you to see you be and see you be you. And so then it was never after I healed, it was never my intention to ever want to change anyone. Because if we are honest, with each other and our pasts. In a way, Louis, I think we were trying to change our ex partners in some ways, you know? So whether it was like, if it was, let's say, one of the exes, an explosive personality. Here I was or here you were. Hey, read this book. There's this podcast, you know? In a way, you're trying to help them. But at the same time, we're not accepting who they are. And so that's why I feel like accepting the other person is one of the biggest things to create a beautiful relationship.

And that's why it's beautiful being in a relationship with you, because I feel accepted. I feel accepted. And I feel like it's hard to, that's why I think it's important to be so upfront and honest with people in the beginning of a dating experience. So they get to see most of you if possible. Obviously people are gonna be on their best behavior or whatever when they're starting to get to know each other. But I think when I was getting to know you, yes, I was being a gentleman and I was being nice, but I was also being fully honest about who I've been in the past, who I am now, and who I plan to be in the future. And I think I was so clear with you. It wasn't like I was trying to hide things. And when you would ask me questions, I would say, okay, I'm gonna share with you authentically who I am, but I don't know if you're gonna like it. And I don't know if you're gonna accept it. And a lot of times I feel like people hide the things they don't, they aren't proud of because they feel like the other person's not gonna accept them or love them. And they're gonna want them to change something. As opposed to saying, this is all of me. And maybe I'm working on some things that I'm not proud of, or I'm trying to improve here. But this is where I'm at right now. Can you accept me? I think a lot of I feel like I struggle thinking that a lot of women can't accept men fully with all their shame and past and challenges and mistakes they've been through in general. Do you feel like women struggle with accepting the men that are in front of them if they really knew all their shame and insecurities?

Yeah.

And why do you feel like it seems to be women want to change men so much?

From your perspective, from your perspective. To be women that is.

That's my perspective. And why do you feel that happens where women try to change men as opposed to accepting them?

I think it happens both ways. I think it also happens with men, but I think it's more common for me to hear the stories from women.

Yes.

Because I hang out with more women. So I hear You know, maybe you hear stories of guys that say, oh, I wish my girlfriend wouldn't be this jealous. So that's the guy that wishes to change his girlfriend as well.

That's who she is.

But this is who she is, or this is who she is at this moment in her life, because maybe with therapy and things, you'll change that about her, but he won't be able to change that. It has to come from within. I think what happens is that I think when women are trying to change their man, number one, you come off as very controlling. I feel like this is the thing. The thing is that nobody can change anybody. That's the truth. Like if there's a truth in life is that humans are unpredictable. And when a woman is trying to change her man, she's trying to feel safe. She's trying to create a man that won't hurt her. That a man that will look at other women, a man that will like follow to a T every single thing that she wants and does. So then therefore I'm not hurt. And so therefore I feel safe. But the reality is that in human condition is that no human, no man or women is controllable. Like you want to control somebody, get a dog. Don't get a boyfriend. Don't get a girlfriend. Don't get a partner because you're not going to control that person. But I think there's this feeling of if I have the control of this person, then I will feel safe. And that is a myth. Like safety in life is a myth because life will forever continue to move and evolve and change. So the same as a human being, you will not control a person because he will always continue to save and the second that person or that guy feels controlled over and over again, that person is gonna wanna run away. And I always say it to my girlfriends, think about it the opposite way. Imagine you are complaining, your boyfriend is complaining because you went out with the girls. A lot of women sometimes complain, oh my guy went out with the guys. Imagine it's the opposite way. And you're the one that went out with your girls and you show up at home and instead of showing up at home, Hey, I missed you. How was it? You show up with this guy that is like, so what happened? What do you do? You're gonna start feeling like you're not free. You're supposed to be free in a relationship to be yourself. and if you can't, you start feeling trapped, you start feeling frustrated, and then you want to run away. Yeah, you tell me, but you're the guy. But I feel like that happened. That would happen to me if it was the other way around.

When was the moment then that you started to make all these realizations? They started to, like, these myths started to break for you, because, again, you lived a certain life in Mexico. you know, dating and in relationships and while doing these movies, was there a moment where you're like, these movies in this narrative that women have, maybe some of it works, but not all of this narrative. Like how old were you? And when did you start to like break free of that story and start looking at relationships differently and love differently?

When was it?

How old were you? Was there something that started to happen?

I'm not gonna go into the specifics of who this person was, but it was a relationship in which I found myself, kind of like in the horror movies almost, locked in my bathroom, crying, not knowing who to call, while the other person was banging outside of the door, saying, Go ahead, call your friend, and cursing. and yelling. And I was like, when did I get here? Like, you know the story.

Of course.

When and why did I get here? Like, what part I am, what model, what type of movie, who I've been modeling after that got me to a place in which I'm saying, I'm afraid of the person I'm with, and yet it seems like I can't leave him. and you start thinking, I am the only common denominator in all the relationships that I have had, so I get to work on me. Like, this is not about what he did. This is not about, you know, all of this or abusive behavior or whatever it is, the circumstance. It's not about the other person. It's about you. And so when you start looking inside of you and you find you're the common denominator, you say, okay, Wait a second, why am I attracting these type of guys?

Right.

You know, some people attract, they say, oh, I wanna find a great partner. And you take them to a party and they're like 10 amazing guys and there's that one guy who you know is trouble. And that woman who's your best friend will gravitate towards that guy instead of the other 10. They're amazing.

Why do women seem to go after the trouble? the troubled man as opposed to the healthy man?

I think it has to do with your past. It has to do with your inner child. I think it has to do with unresolved trauma. I feel, and it is my experience, that when you are with someone, you meet somebody, and you feel this crazy amount of Chemistry, crazy amount of chemistry. Like my advice is like run away, because that is not something healthy. That is unresolved trauma. That is you being a child inside of an adult body, looking at another child inside of an adult body, that his unresolved trauma will touch you in a way will complete You're unresolved trauma and you're going to learn a lot of lessons but are going to be painful. So why don't you learn them on your own instead, you know, or perhaps go ahead, explore that, live that, but then you will find yourself inside of a back room crying, afraid that this person may do something to you.

Right.

And then you'll start asking the big questions. What did I do? And so you'll start looking at your past. and the way you grew up and your inner child wants. Right. Before the interview continues, if you feel.

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The way we are approaching love and finding love or looking for love and the people we attract has a lot to do with this five inner child wounds that if we don't assess and before getting into a relationship, you will continue to attract the same guy.

What are the wounds?

So one of them is the rejection wound. So the rejection wound is a wound we all have, literally. Like since you're a little kid, you know, at one point your mom or dad is gonna say no to you and you're gonna feel rejected. But there's people that have it even bigger. We all have that one. But there's people that have it even bigger. So, you know, you have a story of rejection in school. You've told me many, many times that, you know, you felt rejected, you felt like you were not. What that creates is a person that in the future, when there's trouble, and when that person feels rejected, that person's gonna try to go away. Or walk away. Or run away.

Or react or trigger it or whatever.

React. triggered, like I'm feeling rejected, I'm gonna run away. Or it can also create a person that wants to be, it's so malleable, so adaptable that if you like whatever.

Thing you want to do whatever to fit in and belong and yeah.

Exactly. So you're looking for love, but you're adapting to whatever the other person wants and needs, you know, like you become that type of adult. Then there's the abandonment wound. And that's a tough one because a lot of people experience that and a lot of women experience that from their mom or their dad. You know, there's a lot of very sad stories of my dad left for another woman and I never saw him again. And so what does that mean? And you're a little kid with, your little tiny mind of nine years old, you don't think it's because of other things. You cannot put yourself in your parents' shoes. You think it's about you.

Yes.

And so then what happens with people that have abandonment wounds is that they become dependent and they become, you know, a person that needs somebody, you know, is the kind of person that if you're having a misunderstanding and the partner wants to take a beat, and walk away for a second to just kind of like relax or calm down, the abandonment wound will go after that person and say, no, don't leave me. I'm here in the middle. I'm talking. What are you doing? You know, the blah blah. And then it's a never-ending argument all night because that person's not leaving, you know, the good amount of space in between the two. Because if you leave, I feel you're abandoning me or that they get too attached. They are dating somebody and they feel, I don't know why I feel I'm gonna mess this up at one point and that person's gonna end up leaving me. So it has to do with a story of something that happened to you in your childhood.

Yes.

Even if your dad didn't leave, even if your mom didn't leave, sometimes it could be that you felt abandoned because they dropped you off in school when you were too little and you had this anxiety about you and maybe they didn't pick you up many, many times, you know, and you were waiting outside school and your parents didn't show up. So maybe it comes from that because some people say, I have amazing parents, but I still have some of these wounds. Where are they coming from?

Okay, so that's the second wound.

Second one. Then there's the humiliation wound, the shame. You feel shame. You were humiliated. So somebody, I mean, in many different ways, you have a story. about that. You know, the other day we were talking about this and you went, man, I think I have most of them.

Yeah.

Right? And then I said to you, I love you so much because you become, if you become, the man who you are, which I know who you are, having had all of these wounds is admirable. You know, the type of resilience that you have, the type of commitment with yourself. that you have. It's massive because you do, but you were humiliated in school, right? People that were bullied or people that your parents, your parents can humiliate you.

Yeah, they can.

Yeah, they can. You know, many, many times. You're like, oh, you're a little kid, you're excited 'cause you wrote this little song at that one moment and your dad is with a bunch of friends. It's like, no, what? No, you sing horrible, move out of the way. You can, you feel that humiliation. What that creates, having had a parent who has a crazy temper and you never know what you're gonna expect, right? That parent that maybe repre-- how do you say repre-- repre-- repre-- yeah.

Repremented.

Repremented you.

You know English better than I do.

They repremented you in front of other kids, you know, with a big temper, that big voice. You feel like this humiliation, so what that creates is in the future, if you have not worked in your inner child once, is a man or a woman that is willing to take any kind of abuse. So you're replicating the abuse that you had at home.

So you even learned how to stand up for yourself.

Exactly. So then you have a screaming girlfriend, saying, I'm gonna break up with you if you don't pick up my phone call. And you continue in the relationship because you're like, yeah, yeah, of course. Because you live that. That reminds you of something that you experienced. It's familiar. Exactly. So you know that feeling that when you meet somebody, people say, oh, it felt like family to me. Why did it feel like family?

Some family could be great. Another family might make you, yeah.

Exactly. So that's why the question is really important. What part of that made you feel like family?

Okay, humiliation. What's number four?

The other one is treason. Something, somebody, like betrayal. So for example, my sister, she, when I was born first, then my sister was born second, and then there was a gap in which my parents didn't have children for like six years, and then they had my brother. so she was a little baby of the family and she's so funny, you know my sister, she's really fun, she's outgoing and really amazing. And so then when my brother was born for her and she says this today, it felt like a betrayal. It felt like, what is this new person in the family? I'm not the little baby anymore. And mom, dad and everyone around including herself, they say, that her personality changed a little bit. And she felt, and to this day she feels when she's more able to have more control is when she can feel safe. And because she felt betrayed by my parents, right? So then therefore later in life she grows up as a woman and she's looking for love and she's looking for a man that she can in a way give direction to. And this is why her relationship and my brother-in-law, you know, relationship works really well.

Right.

Because in his case, he had an abandonment wound, and so then he was looking for somebody to give him direction. So this is for them, in a way, it's a good match. Right. So for me, being the oldest of the family, My mom was always so amazing into praising and saying, oh, Martita is the helper of the family. She helps me with the house, she helps me with the siblings, she helps me. So in a way, I built my identity feeling as if I was of help to somebody, then I was worth it, right? I had some value to bring if I was being of help to somebody. So then what happened is then later, as an adult, before having healed my inner child wounds, I was looking for somebody I could help. And I didn't know this. This is subconscious, right? So then all of a sudden, I, you know, I used to fall in love with men that needed a lot of support and a lot of help because in a way, if they didn't need me, I didn't know if I was worthy, you know? So that was. a big one for me. And then the other one was shame. So for me, it was, you know, my family too, we're very, we're jokers. We joke all the time. And especially my dad's side of the family, he was so young, he was 20 years old. And he used to like poke me or do these little things. I was one years old, two, three, four, five, you know, four or five. And he would say, oh my God, look at that. He would say that to my mom. Look at her, she's crying just by me doing this. And he would laugh. But me as a little kid, I didn't know what was happening, so then I would feel, My dad is laughing at me, right? So I felt shame. And I had other moments in my life. I stole something from school, which is, you know, my mom was really upset, which was good, by the way, that I learned a lesson. But in front of my entire classroom, she said that I had stolen a pencil sharpener pencil, you know?

Sharpener, yes.

Sharpener, yes. And so I was crying in front of the classroom, and I felt embarrassed. so then later people who experience a lot of shame are the ones that turn into, you know, people that can withstand a lot of abuse later in life because that's what it feels familiar to you, you know, and, and I gotta say something that I think it's very important. It's not our parents fault. We should, you know, stop blaming our parents. for the way we are. They did what they could with what they could. They did their best with what they, the tools they had, you know, the things they had. And it's up to us to heal ourselves. And then there's another one that's called the Injustice one. So something that happened to you at one point in life that you felt things were unjust, you know, whether it's Whether it's, you know, the way in your perspective they treated your sister or your brother way better than they treated you. That felt unjust. So then you didn't fix that inside of you. So then later in life, it makes you a very rigid person. Rigidity. You know, you don't, you want things to be a certain way, and that's it.

Or you're just triggered if you see injustices constantly and everything is unjust. Yeah. It takes a lot of your energy to manage those emotions.

Yeah. And so if things weren't just for you when you were a little kid, you replicated as an adult in ways of you become competitive with your partner because you're trying to find justice. Oh, you know what? I work so much. Of course, you take care of the kids and don't tell me anything about anything because this is what's fair. Wait, let's talk about it. You know, so this is that type of personality. So for me, you know this. I needed to dive down inside of what was my life story, what was my wounds, why was I attracting these type of personalities? And why was it that whenever I attracted a nice guy, it felt boring. That happens to a lot of people.

Why do, why do women not like the nice guy? Why do they not, I do. Why do some women, what do some women not fall for a healthy, nice, conscious man? And they fall for a man that has, you know, likes and interests, but doesn't have a healthy relationship with themselves and doesn't treat others well.

Why do they fall for that? Yeah. Well, one is this, you know, because they haven't addressed that they're They're looking for love as a wounded child, as opposed to being open to love as an adult, which is, I think this is the way you and I met. We were not anymore looking for love.

Right.

And although healing is a never-ending journey, we were very aware of what was the inner child wounds that was having you attracting certain type of women and me certain type of men. And so then therefore, the first step is to be aware of it. And then you start noticing, oh. And then something happens. Did it happen to you, Louis? Because for me, it was this integration of my inner child. This moment, these exercises that I would do in which I would say, oh my God, I got myself. Neilda is my therapist. I talked to you about Neilda. She's incredible. said to me back in the day when I was in a relationship, this person yelling at me all the, you know, like all these things, and she would say, Don't say he's yelling at me. He just yells. It just doesn't go with you.

Right. And you can either choose to accept it or not.

Or get out of there.

But changing it is actually something that you got to look at within yourself. You know, if I don't accept who this person is, doesn't mean they're right or wrong, good or bad. It just means it's not a good match for me. And so they may not want to change and you have to be okay with it if the other person doesn't want to change. And you have to evaluate, okay, am I happy removing myself from this relationship, even though there might be some other benefits, but can I deal with the parts that cause the most stress and pain? And I think, again, not everyone is bad all the time or something, but are the things that I don't like or don't match or align with, knowing this may never change. If it never changes, am I accepting it and okay with it? And I think if you're not willing to accept who they are now, you can't expect them to change later. So, it's learning to say, am I okay and can I give into this or accept this or is this a non-negotiable for me? you know, one of the things that we got, you know, into our relationship and the dating process, I was just like, you know, it's non-negotiable for. For me and us to not yell. We can disagree, we can argue. But screaming and yelling does not work for me. And had I experienced that with you in the first, I don't know, six months or a year, I might have been like, huh, okay, this is something that you do. Maybe from time to time, you haven't done that. But I would witness it and be like, okay, this doesn't work for me. And having a conscious conversation saying, Hey, if this is the way you're gonna be at times, let me know, 'cause it doesn't work for me. Or am I able to accept you if once in a while you do yell, if there's a lot of other good that happens. I think that's, those little nuances are hard for sometimes for people to decide.

'Cause everybody wants to be loved. And so then now finally you're in a relationship. Finally you have the chemistry, the kisses, you know how it feels.

And then you're thinking, well, if I'm single again, will I find someone who's good and I don't want to be.

Alone and all these things. But wait a second, there are all these things that are great, okay, all these things that are about okay, but maybe with time. And then you hand them the book, then you hand them the podcast. No.

And then you become the coach. People don't want to change though. People don't want to change who they are when they're in a relationship. No. I have, before you, I've chosen many relationships where I felt resistance. I felt like I didn't want to change, but the only way to make this person happy was if I changed so many different things. And that was on me for deciding to adjust and change and adapt to make someone happy, as opposed to just being full authentic yourself. And being in a relationship where you commit to personal growth individually. I think that's something we've done really well is committing to being in a process of personal growth individually, both having emotional coaching and saying, Hey, I'm going to grow whether we're together or not. And you're going to grow whether we're together or not. So let's make that commitment impact from the beginning, which I think creates a lot of safety in the relationship for both of us, knowing this person's not going to stop improving. They're not going to stop learning. They're going to keep having a beginner's mind about their emotions, their relationship to themselves, how they navigate stress, knowing we're never perfect human beings, but we're in a process of growth. I think that commitment to growth gives us a lot of peace.

There's so many things that I feel so grateful for the way we started our relationship and how it happened. And I feel so grateful for your past and my past. I feel very, very grateful for that because if you didn't live the things you lived and I didn't live the things I lived, we wouldn't have met when we needed to meet to continue the growth process in this way. But the same for me, you know, I was nodding when you said, well, if I would have seen you yelling, you know, after six months, I probably would have been like, hey, wait a second. I think with the experience that I had, if you would have started yelling in month three, I'd be like, thank you very much. You know, it was so great to be with you for those three months.

Right.

And that's it.

Right.

Because there's things that, you know, wouldn't have worked for me either. Right, right, right. So. So it's interesting because what I tell most of my girlfriends is, After you do this and you find the way, you know, the inner child wounds and you address them and let's say now you're ready because you're open to meet guys, meet them where they are. You know, don't meet the potential. Don't try to see, oh my God, this guy seems like he could be decent. No, no, no. Like look at who that person is and look at everything that they're doing and don't judge them. Everything is just information. If that was for me, like, you know, I was meeting you.

Yes.

The thing that I wanted the most when I was meeting you is for you to be authentically you. So when you would say to me, oh my God, I'm gonna tell you something. I think this is gonna make you run away. I would think, oh my God, maybe he's into like threesomes or crazy stuff or drugs or something. That's definitely gonna make me run away and put you in the front category. Right. But you would say something that for me was like, oh, that's amazing, you know? So it's information. It's just what happens is we very quickly, and especially women, we very quickly jump into the place in which we see them as our future husbands. Right.

Right away. We have the potential. Yeah. What happens? What happens to a woman who starts seeing a man as their future husband in the first months of getting to know them. What do they tend to do more of that actually will hurt the relationship long term?

You know, it's interesting because at the beginning, everything is great, right? So they see all the good parts. So then for about three, four months, everything was amazing, everything was fantastic. And then the entire person starts coming out. I don't like to say the real person starts coming out because also all the other things that you saw at the beginning is still the real person.

But the rest of them.

The rest of them starts to come out. So then what happens? Now you want to start changing them because they don't.

To go back to this perfect thing.

To match you. Yeah. To match you. You know, so if you're like regularly a, you know, joyful person and you don't necessarily raise your voice or yell when you're having an argument or whatever. And while you're dating that person you saw that that person yelled at the valet parking guy, right? But he's not yelling at you because you're living in this beautiful pink bubble. You continue the relationship, you're not paying attention. Everything is information. And if a guy tells you, I don't want to have kids, believe him. He doesn't want to have kids.

Don't keep dating him if you want to have kids.

Yeah, don't think you're gonna be like, you know, like Bella in the Beauty and the Beast, and you're gonna tame him. I'm gonna tame this beast, and he's gonna be the one that's gonna have kids with me.

No.

Everything that a guy says to you, believe him. That's the truth. Believe that person. Because why would he lie to you unless he, you know, is some sociopath or whatever.

But a lot of people, I mean, it's interesting because I would say certain things in previous relationships in my 20s, I'd be like, you know, I'm not really looking for a commitment. But then I would say it to kind of like protect myself. Hey, I'm being honest, but I'm happy to hang out and kind of see where this goes, like casually and, you know, date you. But I'm really not looking for a long-term commitment. And I think you hear men say this a lot to women. And you hear women saying, well, we had this amazing time, but he said he's not really looking for something serious.

Yeah.

So if he's not looking for something serious, stop investing in him in a serious way.

If you want something serious. If you don't, great.

Then cool. But don't be upset in two, three months when he's like off dating someone else and not investing in you because now you have feelings for him from a chemical bond. And I think that's where people get, both men and women, they get caught up in it because they started to have chemical bonds sexually as opposed to, okay, are we in alignment of what we want in terms of being in some type of relationship? Or am I okay if this person starts to abandon me or starts to not be as connected to me and starts to live their lives in a different way? Will I be okay with that? A lot of times people get hurt from that.

Another thing that is information is do their words match their actions? Oh my God, he's telling me all the most beautiful words, but he's always late. You know? He's telling me whatever he has this, Amazing life with this amazing job of this. But I actually don't see him very much, you know, working.

So.

I pay attention more to the actions.

Is he in alignment with his behaviors? Yeah. Yeah. I think that was interesting for us when we met, like the first 30 minutes, our first hour, we started talking about...

The inner child.

Well, not like the most like shiny things. We weren't like, oh, I'm this amazing person and you're this amazing person and what are you up to and how you're crushing in life. We really kind of got pretty deep quickly and I think we were both being very authentic of like, this is what we've been experiencing over the past year and this is our journey and this is kind of where we're at. And it wasn't like, look at me trying to be the best version of.

Myself in front of you. -Flip flops, you remember? -You looked at me and you went, you,'re a midget. I went, oh my God, you're a giant. And then you give me that big hug, you know, like that big hug that you're known to be giving, you know? And we had a great time and it was just mainly, because that's the thing, I was not looking for love. I was open to it, but I was not looking for love. And you were the same way. So I was really curious about who were you about?

Yes.

As I was curious about other guys. And I was like, you know, Who are you? What are you about? Who are you? What are you about? And then obviously you were the best to follow about. You know, the best for me.

What was the best match?

The best for me.

Exactly. You know, it doesn't matter. It's not about.

No, but that's why I said the best match.

And it's being open and aware of what you want as an individual.

Yeah.

And seeing does this person match. I feel like we got really fortunate in a lot of ways because we share identical love languages, which I never realized how important being in alignment of love languages or being okay if you don't match and you being okay with having to give someone else something that you're not typically known to do. And if you're okay with that. And so our love languages match who we are, our personality. And so when I show up, you know, wanting to spend quality time and touch and words of affirmation with you, that is my personality.

And for me, it's great because then what happens is because it's also my love languages, I feel loved. You don't have to make an extra effort.

Yeah.

For me to feel appreciated.

And I think this is, you know, I've heard people say like you want to understand your partner what their needs are and give them their needs and help them in meeting those needs with their love language. languages. And I agree that if you want to make a relationship work in a healthy way, you want to be of service to someone's ability to receive love. So you want to be able to give and contribute in that way the best way you can. But if that's not your natural come from, it just makes it a little more friction in order to make that happen. You have to think about it more intently. You have to go out of your way and do something that's uncomfortable for you. So I'm not saying it can't work. Effectively, I just feel grateful that I can show up as myself and not be like, oh, every week she needs a gift from me or she needs me to do this thing or she needs this thing. Otherwise, she won't feel loved. You know, you feel loved based on love language alignment. And I think everyone should be aware of that. Not meaning it won't work out in the relationship.

It's just that you probably have to make a little bit more of an effort to communicate in the other person's love language. But it happens all the time. I hear stories. I told you that when I was in middle school and in high school, part of college, I would hang out with a lot of guys. I had a traumatic event when I was a little girl, and my two best girlfriends passed. And so then after that, I was just hanging out with guys. For a long time, until I healed that part, and now I have a good group of friends. When I started realizing these things, one of my friends, I remember, he said, I just don't know what to do. She thinks I don't love her. But here I am, you know, I took her on this trip, and I took her on this experience, and I took her on this thing, and I, you know, if she needs something in the middle of the night, I go and I'm there for her. So clearly his love language his actions, right? So then what happens? She says, I don't feel like he loves me because he never tells me how beautiful I look. You know, I'm wearing this dress he bought me and I'm like parading myself in front of him and he doesn't say anything and he never tells me I love you, he never tells me, well, he is with his actions but you're not receiving it because your love language is words of affirmation. So then, Once you know yourself, that's why knowing yourself is so important.

It just causes more friction. It doesn't mean the relationship can't work, but I think what we've tried to do is make sure we're in alignment with as much things as possible and accepting the other person's values, vision, and lifestyle and also saying, okay, am I in alignment with it? And maybe sometimes I don't want to do certain things, but I've accepted who you are and I'm okay with certain things that I do them, right? And vice versa. As opposed to being like, wow, I really don't like these 17 things that you like doing or your values around this thing or whatever it might be, but I'm gonna give in without really truly accepting it. That's when there's more friction, I think. So I think we've gotten really fortunate in being aligned, but I also think that you know, we've both spent 20 years in multiple relationships where we learned and made mistakes and did things where, okay, we've got a lot of wisdom now. And I've told you many times that if I got into like a relationship in my early 20s and got married, there's, I don't think there's any way that I would have been able to make it work if it, if we got in a relationship where it was out of alignment from the start. We just got married because I was like, oh, I love you and this is amazing. And we're having this chemistry and I got married without getting clear on are we aligned on our values, our vision, our lifestyle, and all these other things. I don't know if I would have had the skills or the willpower or the emotional intelligence to navigate a healthy marriage. I just don't think I could have done it. And I'm not saying I'm making an excuse. I just don't think I was capable of that. And it's probably why I was so afraid of commitment in my 20s. I was like, I don't want to mess this up. But I think a lot of people jump into commitment and then into marriage without a hundred percent honesty and authenticity around who they are, what they want now, and what they're planning and attending for the future. So what is a question that women can ask men? What are specific questions they can ask to where they can get more information out of them to see if it's the right alignment or match.

I think, ooh, it's so important.

And obviously you've got to listen to the person to have discernment when you're listening, because a lot of guys could skirt around it or be a little inauthentic or, you know, potentially lie to not tell you the wrong thing and make sure they don't hurt you. So how do you have the intuition also to hear? and feel this is authentic.

Yeah. I think one of the things that is the thing that I used to do when I was in my 20s is that when you are on the first few dates, you usually talk a lot about yourself. You want the other person to fall in love with you. So you share, share, share, share, share so much information. And because you want to be liked, I'd say now, I would say, get as much information as you can from the other person. It's amazing to meet someone new and it's amazing to get to know their stories. And in the way they tell you their stories and how they tell you their stories, you're going to find information. So, for example, it's not the same when you meet a guy who has cheated in the past, who tells you that he cheated because the woman was crazy. If a guy tells you he cheated because the woman was crazy, that's a guy that has not healed. he has not taken responsibility of his own actions. But if he tells you, listen, this is what happened. There's two sides of the story. This is her story, this is my story, and this is what happened. Then, and what do you learn? Like asking questions like this, so what do you learn? Or not even asking that question, just wait to see if he tells you what did he learn or she learned. Well, I learned that I was out of integrity and that's the worst thing I can do to myself. because then I lose self-love. I learned that I hurt another human being, that I betrayed someone else. And in that process, I also betrayed myself. Oh, that's a person that has learned the lesson. So pay attention in not only the story, but how they tell you the story. Like, I think that's a very important one. And, and listen to them and believe them again. It's this thing, like, believe what they're saying. So, like, another question, I think, Things like this should be asked sooner. And most of my girlfriends say, I don't wanna scare away the guy. But don't ask the guy, do you see, like, would you wanna marry me? Or do you see us having children? Don't ask those questions. If you, on the first month, you're seeing yourself already having children with that guy, there's something wrong with you.

Really?

You don't know him yet. You don't know him. How can you think You're gonna have children with this man that you've known for one month?

Wow.

Really? No, it's your children you're talking about.

It's the rest of your life. It's the rest of your life.

And then if it doesn't work, it's co-parenting with that stranger that you've met for one month and you're already thinking that way, no.

What about people who say, you know what, we met each other and we got married within a week or within a month? We just knew.

And.

Maybe there are some cases where that ends up, you guys can stay together for a long time and have a healthy relationship and life, but most of the time it probably doesn't work out. And why do you think jumping into a long-term committed, lifelong commitment after a week or a month of knowing someone is probably not the healthiest thing to do? And where does it come from when someone wants to commit? Because they feel like, I just know this is my soulmate and my person. after a day, a week, a month, this is it. And we're going to have this incredible life together. What is happening from that place of knowing that quickly that this is my person for life and let's get married and have babies now?

I think that's a little bit insane to me. I think that has a lot to do with movies. I think that has a lot to do with codependency and you complete me type of feeling. you know this, but there's a person in my life that on day two, he told me, you,'re gonna think I'm crazy. I love you. Same person that was banging on that door, acting crazy. I'm not saying he was crazy. I'm just saying that, how can you say to somebody or somebody can say to you, I love you on day two if you actually don't know them? You can say, I like you. Maybe that's what they mean.

I'm interested in you. I like who you are, your personality.

I'm fascinated by you. that's so attracted to you, that's good. Maybe that's what they mean. Now, going to the story of that, my dad saw my mom and he said, I like that woman for the seventh children of my mom, which is him. He's the seventh children, right? But he didn't think that's the woman I'm gonna marry. He said, I like that woman for me. I like her. And when I have conversation, my parents have been married for 40 something years. When I have conversations with them, I say, you got married, you were 19, and my mom was, you know, the opposite. My dad was 20 and my mom was 19.

So young.

How did you, you were so young.

How did you do that?

Like how did you do that? And my mom is a very smart woman and she said, I listened to my grandma and I followed everything she told me. So, which is, I had the hard conversations with your dad. Way before we got married. And my mom, all of my life, told me love is a choice. This thing that kids say, oh my God, I feel this chemistry. She said, Love is a choice. And you choose to love every day. And you choose me every day. And I choose you every day.

Yeah.

Which is why it's so beautiful when you think about this idea of, and this reality of like freedom in the relationship and this myth of safety. You know, there's a lot of people out there that feel like, and a lot of women, I gotta say, and I was one of them, that you feel like, oh, I wanna feel safe in this relationship. I wanna be engaged. I want to be married and once I get engaged, once I get married, then I'll be safe.

Why do women want that type of safety and why do they try to control the idea of safety in their man? By controlling a timeline, by controlling a financial situation, by controlling how they react or respond to you or what they need to do for you daily so you feel safe. Why is there this need of control or this false sense of safety that some women tend to have. And can they actually create safety in that way?

No. You cannot create safety in that way. What happens is that we are taught in life that once you get the ring, you're safe. Once you get married, you're safe. Once you have the home, Once you have the home, you're safe. No. You are the only person that can make you feel safe. You cannot leave your safety to the other guys. You, Louis, I love you very much, but I can never leave my sense of safety in your hands.

In my hands? Because then what? What happens if you do that?

Because then if you, quote unquote, fail me, If then I don't feel safe, then I'm gonna wanna get back my safety. And how am I gonna get back my safety by trying to control you and the way you behave? Because I'm the one that's not safe. You know, so I was talking to a girlfriend in Mexico that she was telling me, you know, I feel very insecure about my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends because they've all been so much more beautiful than I am. And She was asking for my advice. And I was like, okay, well, tell me more about this. She's like, yeah, you know, the other day I felt really anxious because we were going to go to this party and one of the exes was going to be there. And then it so happened to be that I was going to go to, you know, she had something to do that day, so she couldn't go to the party, but it was a work party, so he had to go. No matter what.

He was going to be there and his ex was going to be there.

So the ex was going to be there. And so then she was she was feeling so insecure because what if the spark comes to life again? Right? And she was like, and I don't feel safe. And so, and I understand the feeling, you know, I can understand the feeling because I have felt like that in the past. Before I did a lot of work in therapy and, and healed a lot of my inner childhood wounds. But that's why it makes me, I understand the feeling and I said, so what do you want to do? Well, I'm thinking about canceling all these things that I have for work so then I can go to the party, so then therefore you can be there so you can control and you can see what's happening so that therefore you can feel safe, right? Yes. I said, well, let's look at what's behind that safety. Like, why is it that you don't feel safe? You know, what is it? I don't know. I think have you ever thought about the possibility that it has to do with, it's just like, it's just that I love him very much. I said, yes, you do. And you're a wonderful woman. But perhaps you are controlling. And there's no way you can control what he does. And when he does it or how he does it, ever. The only thing you can control is yourself.

Yes.

That's the only thing you can do in your life, in anything. 'Cause the beauty about human beings is that are non-controllable. And because your man is non-controllable, it's why you take care of it every day.

You invest in it.

You invest in him every day.

And if he went to this party alone and had a spark with his ex-girlfriend or whatever, then it probably doesn't mean he was the right guy for you. If he's gonna get so easily sparked from one conversation and think, ah, I want to go be with this person, And then you don't want to be with someone who's not committed in investing in the relationship or who's easily persuaded somewhere else. That easily from one conversation.

Then you save yourself a lot of time. Because then that guy would eventually do that. Exactly. But I wanted to go deeper and I wanted to say, okay, let's go seriously. Let's find what's going on underneath. Why do you feel so insecure about your guys' exes because they were all supermodels, right? Okay, so what's underneath? And she finally got it. And she goes, It's just that I feel like I'm not enough. So I said, okay, so what part of you is trying to control your man because you feel you are not enough? So what's gonna happen is you're gonna continue act this jealous, you know, because she behaves like she's jealous. a jealous person, right? So she behaves controlling and she's insecure and she's asking him all the questions every day. What do you do? Who do you do it with? What happens? All the time. And what's gonna end up happening is, is that your guy is gonna start sensing that every day or almost every day, you are not happy. And a man, and you tell me if I'm wrong, but a guy is wired. to want to make you feel happy, to want to make you feel great, to want to make you be in your feminine energy, joyful, you know, like loving, nurturing, all these different things. And when he sees that you're upset at him or that you're upset because of something, he's going to want to try to make you happy. And then the next day that you cannot control, the next thing that you cannot control happens the next day. So what's going to happen to that guy? you tell me he's gonna try to make her happy. Yeah, of course.

And he's gonna.

What's gonna happen? He's gonna start getting more and more frustrated.

And if you're never happy, he's gonna.

Feel like he's failing in the relationship. Failing because he's wired to make you want to be happy. Yes. So he will feel he's failing. He will make it about himself.

I am not good enough for her. Right.

I'm not enough.

She's never happy. She's never. I don't know what I need to do to make her happy. I give her this. I buy her this.

I take care of this. I call her 20 times a day, and she's still not It's because it's never enough.

Exactly.

And when the reality is that you feel you are not enough and no matter what your boyfriend will do to try to make you happy, if you don't feel you are enough.

I mean, it just becomes exhausting. Insecurity and jealousy will ruin a relationship long term. Maybe in the beginning it seems like cute or like, oh, this person really cares about me. They're like jealous or whatever. or they're a little worried or insecure or something that might seem cute in the first few months, but it becomes exhausting over time. Because you start to say, I give this person over and over again. I'm investing in them. I'm giving to them. I'm writing them love letters. I tell them how sweet they are. I'm buying them flowers, whatever it is. And they still get jealous and insecure. What will it take to get them to not be jealous and secure? Nothing from the person. They need to learn how to be inside that. Complete and safe and secure with who they are in the relationship. And that's why you've really got to ask yourself, do we align? Do we match?

Questions, the big questions, right? And how to ask them because, you know, again, you don't want to scare the guy and say, do you see yourself? You ask them like this, do you? Because you're getting to know him. Right? So you don't see marrying that guy if you're sane. Really?

You don't fall in love in two days.

I don't fall in love in two days. So you're getting to know this guy. And so you don't say that. You say, do you see yourself married in the future?

One day.

In the future. Did you see yourself with kids in the future?

Not with me. No, not with you.

You don't have the wedding dress in your trunk.

Yeah.

No. So do you see yourself?

Yeah, I think that's interesting. You asked a lot of good questions early on and one of them was you asked me that question like do you see yourself getting married and having kids? And I remember being like, well, I'm gonna be honest because I haven't felt 100% sure in the past but it's because I didn't feel safe in relationships and I always felt trapped or I felt like could I really trust this person long term? And you know, and it was all from a wound of my parents and stuff like that. But you asked it in a way like was curiosity. Do you see yourself doing this? And I said, and I was honest, I was like, well, I haven't fully, but yes, I see with the right environment and the right partner where I feel safe, where I feel free in a relationship to be myself. And based on that, you were like, okay, yeah, that makes sense. But me saying, well, I haven't really fully felt that in the past, didn't scare you. No. You were like, okay, that's information about he didn't have the right partnerships, but it doesn't mean he's not against it.

Exactly.

And if I would have said like, no, I never want kids and never want marriage, that's not for me. You probably would have said, okay, great. Well, this isn't the right relationship.

You were great for me. I actually remember the conversation because it was like, we had many different conversations. There was one that I remember, how was it? I remember saying to you, Something that.

Was one of the first.

I'm gonna ask you, I said, I'm gonna ask you two questions.

I remember exactly.

And depending on the answer, we can continue, you know, seeing each other romantically or we're just gonna be great friends. And by the way, it's gonna be an amazing, like, amazing friendship. I remember that because the way we were getting to know each other, it was not with the goal of.

No, it was exploring and having fun.

And connecting, and it was exactly.

And freeing and just like exploring each other as human beings. It was beautiful. And you asked me that question and I remember thinking, oh shoot, what is she gonna ask me? And you were like, Do you see yourself... Because you were like, Based on this answer, we may not essentially hang out in the same way anymore. We've been, I don't know, hanging out.

For a month and a half. Like a month and a half or.

Something like that, yeah.

And I was like, oh man, I.

Kind of got sad because I was like, oh shoot, I don't even know if I want you to ask me this question because I didn't want to lie to you.

I know.

Remember thinking, I remember thinking like, maybe tell me it's tomorrow. Let's just enjoy the night. Let's just hang out and not spoil the moment. And I remember it was kind of sad because I was like, oh shoot, I want to be 100% authentic to who I am. And hopefully she's not gonna ask me something where I'm saying the truth and my truth, and she's like, that's not what I want. And we'll have to stop this. And that's a scary thing for a lot of people. And I think it takes a lot of courage to say, oh, man, here's an amazing human being that's in front of me that we've had this great month or two weeks or six weeks, so much fun, and I don't want this to end. And so then sometimes people will give in to make the. The joy and the fun and the excitement continue. They'll give in or they'll hide some things or hold back on some of the truth. because they don't want to let the person down.

But they're doing a disservice to themselves.

Yeah, they're abandoning themselves.

And the relationship.

And the future is going to make it harder because then you got to deal with the truth at some point.

Because it's going to come out.

And after a year, two years, whatever, eventually it's going to come out. And if it comes out sooner, if it comes out early, sometimes people can manage the truth earlier because of the authenticity of it. Unless it's a deal breaker on something like kids and marriage. But if they were like, huh, I didn't like that this thing happened, but they were honest about it early on, they can say, I respect that. I respect it. Maybe if you would have held this in a year and told me, then it's a deal breaker.

But can you imagine the anxiety, like not asking these questions until a year after? Oh, that'd be crazy.

Well, that's what most people do.

Exactly.

And they wait because they don't want to ruffle the feathers. And so you asked me that and I told you, Yes, with the right person and the right foundation. And, you know, and I can't commit to that right now, knowing you for a long time.

-No, you didn't, because we didn't make, you didn't make it about me.

-Right, but I was just like, I wouldn't be able to do this unless I had time and energy and like really exploring someone for a period of time where I felt safe and free to be authentically me and not judged or made wrong.

-And for me, that answer was great because I've In my experience of life, I have felt not safe to have children with other people.

Yeah.

So that makes sense to me.

Yeah, exactly.

Because it's similar to my answer.

Exactly. You asked me a number of questions early on where I was like, okay, I'm gonna be fully authentic and honest, but we may not be friends anymore or be in this relationship anymore. And one of them was, Louis, what's your priorities? It was like a conversation around priorities. in life.

Oh yeah.

And you said something like...

It was like this.

Go ahead.

We were talking about in general about, you know, this thing about how some people are not completely honest and they, if they're not honest, then later the honesty, you know, whatever the truth comes out. And about truths, we were talking about truths. And I was telling you that I was loving how authentic you are. Yes.. And that's amazing. For me it was like the way you show up to our relationship, and the way you show up to people, and the way you show up in life, you're so authentic, and I love that. And so you said, Well, I'm not tell you something that I think this one is really Well, you say, but you also standing away?

You also said, What's your priorities in life.

You askedk me question What's your priorities in life? andnoing you why that one was important.

Was like I didn't want this question to happen right now. Go ahead.

And then you said... Well, why did.

You ask this question? Why was it important for you?

So this question was very important for me because in the past, I had been in relationships in which... How do I explain this? You know this. I'm an actor, I'm a producer, I'm a writer. I read my first inspirational book when I was nine years old. And then the second one at nine years old, the third one at nine years old, I was like into all of that world and wanted to. So very early in my life, I found my burning desire. I knew very early in my life that I wanted to be an actor and that I wanted to eventually make movies. And so then whenever I started dating my first boyfriend, I would ask, You know, what is your burning desire? What is that thing that you wake up in the morning and you just have to do, you just really have to do it? Because it makes you feel great and it makes you feel in service or it makes you feel in, you know, whatever that is. And in the past, I've had relationships in which they would say, you, and I would say, Don't tell me that.

Yeah.

Don't tell me it's me because that's a huge responsibility. And this is being coached by my mom, right? I was 15 and asking these questions because my mom always said, if a guy tells you this, that's not necessarily the best. This is a huge responsibility. So I would ask this and when they would say you, I would feel there was something wrong. So then I asked you that question.

You asked me, yeah, you asked me like, I don't remember when this was, maybe two months in, I don't know. What was it? Kind of around this, probably, yeah. Around this time, yeah. Two months of like dating.

Yeah. And also I wanted to say, and then, or if they say, I don't know.

For me, what my burning desire is.

You're burning desire, your dream is, that thing that you need to do that you are here for. If they would say, I don't know. For me, I learned in my experience that I broke up with one of my boyfriends. We kind of broke up together. It wasn't like I broke up with him. Because I was acting and doing my thing, and he was like, I just, I don't have my thing. And I don't know what that is.

That's hard. Yeah, that's hard. So you asked me this question, what are your priorities? I remember saying to you at this point, I was like, well, based on what I'm gonna say, I don't know if you're gonna want to date me after this.

Yeah, you said that.

So it's kind of, you said this already in previous conversation about like marriage and kids, do I see myself in the future around this? And then this was maybe a few weeks later about priorities. And I go, oh shoot, did you have to ask me this? Because I gotta be honest. I don't want to be inauthentic. I want to be full integrity. But I've never experienced a person before where I told them my priorities and they felt good about it. They didn't feel good. And so therefore I felt I was failing because they were not happy. And so when I told you, I think- They were not happy with my priorities, yes.

And with your truth.

My truth of my priorities, which is crazy to think. So I felt like, okay, well let me minimize my priorities so you feel better about the relationship. Anyways, so you asked me the priorities question. The big question that every man hears at some point from a woman they're dating, what are your priorities? And I said, I'm gonna tell you, but I don't think you're like this. And I don't think you can handle the truth. Are you sure you want the truth? I said something like that. Yeah. And you said, yeah, I wanted the truth. I go, you sure? I think I asked you like three or four times.

Are you sure? Your truth was the most valuable thing.

You said, please. And I go, I just don't know if you'll be able to and you're not gonna like me.

I'm thinking crazy.

I know, what's either one? Yeah, exactly. And I said, okay, well my number one priority in life is my health and making sure I take time and importance to take care of my health first. That's spiritual, mental, physical, emotional, everything. And making sure that I have time during the day to do that for me. That doesn't mean I need 10 hours a day of my health, but I need to invest time daily in this. And if I feel like that's being pulled away from me or not supported, then there's going to be a problem. And I said, no woman wants to hear that they're not the number one priority, at least from my experience. No woman wants to not be the number one priority. And then I said, and you're not going to be the number two priority, but let me give you context so people don't take this out of context. I said, number two priority. needs to be my mission. The thing that I'm driven to do, the thing that lights me up, the thing that I feel I'm called from my creator to bring out in the world. My creation, my service, my mission. And right now, I've got a big mission. Maybe that changes in the future into a different season of life, but that's not changing anytime soon. That needs to be a huge focus of time and energy towards that. And I don't want to be pulled away from it, because in the past, I had been pulled away. I'm not blaming other people. I allowed those people to pull me away from it, but I felt like I had to pull away to make someone feel happier. And so I was like, I don't want to live in authentically anymore. I'm going to spend a lot of my time and energy on my mission. And I was very clear on what my mission was for you. And I said, no woman wants to hear they're not the number one or two priority. Meanwhile, and then I said, and then I said, My third priority, this is before we were like committed or exclusive in a relationship. I was like, My third priority will be my partner and investing time and energy in my partner and making sure that they are a top priority. But if number one and two is taken care of and supported and seen and celebrated, my partner will feel like the number one priority. They will feel like the most important thing. They will they feel they have everything they need. And I think that's the context I want to create for people. It's taking care of my health and energy first so I have more energy to take care of the thing that lights me up the most, the mission that I feel called to do. And from there, then I can be very joyful and present and giving and creative and fun and all these things when we're together. And, and I can feel peace. taking care of my health and a peace when I'm at my work and I don't have to feel stressed that you need me for something. And when I said that, how did that conversation make you feel when I said these things about partners?

For me, yeah. Well, specifically for me, for me, it made me feel good because I was like, oh, my God, this is amazing to me. Because, again, going back to if you are that guy's number one priority. It's a huge responsibility. It's almost like saying, you know, that that thing like, you complete me or I want to make you happy. You don't make me happy, Louis. You make me happier. It's true. It's true. You make me super happy. So that's what, like, you know what I mean? It's like. So for me is. Because if the other person fails you and it was your number one priority or you do something that some whatever crushes their heart or something, the whole world collapses.

Yes.

So it cannot, for me, again, this is for me, there are all types of different models and paradigms, but in the paradigm that I'm in, it's not necessarily that romantic. It's not the things that you are in movies. Like if you in a movie, In a romantic comedy, you hear a guy saying, you're not gonna be my number one priority, you're not gonna be my two, you're gonna be my three. That's not romantic. That sounds almost anti-romantic, but it sounds very healthy. It does sound healthy. It's super healthy. Because then I know for a fact, if you're not taking care of yourself, how can you take care of me? It's like in the airplane, right? If you don't take your mask and breathe, how are you gonna give your.

Mask to your children? And I think there's, I think there's a lot of women who have lived by this role of like making everyone else the priority first. You see certain married women who have husbands and children where they put their husband and their kids before them and before their own passions or dreams as well. And so they quiet their voice, they quiet their dreams to serve , others only. And a big part of fulfillment is in service to other people. It's one of my core things is being a service.

Yeah.

To my team, to my mission, my friends, my family, and to you.

And you are.

But, but it's, of course, I'm a witness to it. But if I discount my own service to my health and discount service to my dreams, then I'm not going to be, I'm going to lose my voice. I'm going to lose my health. And I'm not going to be as authentic or I'm not going to be as attractive in life as a human being, not in a sexual term, but in an attractive wholeness term, because I'm not going to be as healthy. I'm going to feel like I'm discounting myself and just giving to everyone else. So in some ways, there's an appreciation from others, but if you're not giving to yourself what you need and from what you feel like you need to do in life right now, then you're doing a disservice to you. And I think that becomes less attractive over time. And that's where you see challenges in relationships after a long time. Oh, she's a great mother, but she doesn't take care of herself and she just abandoned herself to give to everyone else. But then she becomes less attractive or he, you know, something like that.

My parents have a beautiful A beautiful way to put this that I learned. They say we are two individuals that we chose to share our lives together. Right? So my mom is her whole self, my dad is her whole self, and they decided to share their lives together. Once they share their lives together, they call it the pyramid model. So they say God is above, all the way. And it's the threat that's through the entire pyramid. You and I, meaning mom and dad, are the top of this pyramid. They're the top of this. And so we come first to each other in that. But we already addressed the individual part. You, your health, your purpose, mission, your partner, right?

Yes.

Now we're together. And so then comes the kids. Then comes the family, the rest of the family.

The dogs, the pets.

The dogs, the pets, the family. Then whatever, the extended family, then the friends, then the community. So it starts getting bigger and bigger because it includes more and more and more people. But a lot of people have disagreements in a relationship because the husband or the wife put the kids first.

What happens when you put the kids before? for your partner?

A lot of resentment gets built. And also you're not necessarily giving a good example to the children. Because what happens is you start creating teams. So like, you know, that parent that says, hey, don't tell your mom, but we're gonna do this thing. You can't do that. Because you're saying your dad or your mom, your mom is not as important. I'm the one that's the good guy. And inside that little brain, you create a fracture little by little. Or speaking badly about your partner. your children, you start fracturing their personality. Right.

It's a good thing you're gonna be disciplining the kids.

Just kidding.

I'm just gonna be the fun one that does no disciplining.

But I think it's a good model because, and we've discussed it many, many times. Yes. But again, these conversations are very good to have when you're getting to know the other person. You know, what are your thoughts about Spirituality, religion, where are your thoughts about politics, where are your thoughts about and most people say don't bring that up because you create arguments by all means bring it up because the least of these disagreements you have the more you know what I'm gonna say yeah, yeah.

Well, I just think it's like 80%.

Of the success is who you choose right of the relationship.

Yeah, and I think if you will can choose alignment in the beginning or get everything out on the table earlier than later and say, do we align? And if you don't, can you say, do I accept? And if I accept, knowing this is who they're gonna be forever, do I align with accepting that? And maybe they don't want to raise kids a certain way and that's out of alignment with your values. But could you see it from their perspective and say, okay, it's not what I truly want, but I will I'm willing to accept this because I see 80% of everything else is so beautiful that this one thing, maybe it's more of a control thing or maybe it's a thing that I was just raised with that I felt like I wanted to do but I'm okay with letting the control go on this one thing. And can I accept her or him that this may be how it always is and am I okay with that? And if I'm not, Okay with that, then maybe you're not the right match and that's okay too. But that's hard once you found a connection and, you know, some certain cat compatibilities and chemistry with someone, it's hard to be like, well, maybe I'm gonna walk away. Or can you create agreements? So I'd feel like we've done a great job of we've been blessed that we have a lot of alignment.

Yeah.

Then we've also had a lot of acceptance. We're fully accepting of certain things that you were raised in certain ways that I wasn't and we had some things we were very similar. And I accept it and I think you accept me for not needing to be a certain way that you were growing up or something. And then we've also created a lot of agreements around any things that could be misunderstandings or potential frustrations in the future or potential arguments.

Because they're going to happen.

Yeah, and we create agreements consistently. So I think First, seeing are you in alignment, then seeing can you create acceptance if there's something you don't want, can you accept them? If not, can you create agreements to support how you're going to address something that's not in total alignment. And when you can do those, I feel like you can create much more harmony in the relationship.

I love our agreements. And we're constantly creating agreements. You know, like the other day, I made a phone call about some trips that I wanted to do that you were aware of, but you were not aware of that I literally got on the phone at that one moment, right? And you kind of felt like I threw you under the bus because you didn't know who you were talking to, but at the same time you needed to support me in the phone call. And after the whole conversation happened and we hung up, I was like, Oops, you know? It's true. And I was like, oh, maybe we can make the agreement that you're like, I want to support you to succeed. You said this.

But if I'm in the dark and I don't know what I'm talking about, just give me context beforehand.

Context before you make a call.

Before you make a call really quick, 'cause you're excited or you- It totally makes sense, right?

So then to me it's like, but you start making these agreements. That's an agreement. We don't talk about anything deep or intense or anything after like 11:00 p.m. Yeah, really.

Specifically when we get in bed.

Yeah.

Because I cannot be my best self and therefore it's gonna take so much energy for me to be focused and present and I'm setting myself up for failure. So I wanna be present for you in challenging or maybe like uncomfortable conversations, but when I'm exhausted and put my head down and I'm already thinking about sleep, I don't wanna have to wake back up to be present. So we made that early on.

And it's a great agreement.

Yeah.

Because quite frankly, my brain also doesn't work that well. although I feel like sometimes women want.

To just talk all night and like, I have this and this and this and this and I'm like, I can't think right now.

That's why I said I think my brain, because us women probably we kind of collect data in a different way.

We ruminate differently. But I'm like, I can't ruminate after a certain hour.

No.

Especially when I've already winded down. So it's really like, yeah, it's, you know, it's agreeing with flexibility, but, and I think that's beautiful. One of the things I wanted to address in this interview, in this conversation with you, is about how you feel about the concept of love not being enough to make a relationship work, one thing. Also, boundaries we should set in relationships with ourselves and with others. Also, what people misunderstand about a shared vision for a relationship. Also, how to navigate obstacles in relationships in a conscious way and so many more of the things that I want to talk about but we don't have more time.

No, we don't.

So I want to know if you guys want to hear more about this in another episode. Leave a comment below on this YouTube video or on the podcast on audio. Send a message over on Instagram and say yes below in the comments if you want a part two about love, relationships, intimacy and all things on all these things I was just asking about. If you want me to ask Martha these questions and if you want us to talk about them, leave a comment yes below if you want us to do a part two. So if you're really interested, leave a yes. If you're not, maybe we'll do a part two. But if you want to know the answers to these things, go ahead and talk about that. I also want to talk in the future about how you've manifested so much in your career and in your life and how you have created the ability to dream so big and then make reality of these dreams because I think you're one of the best at doing this. I had it. And so many other things that I want to talk about. So again, if you want to hear this or watch this, leave a yes below and let us know. Also, make sure to watch the movie coming out. You're in the movie. I haven't told them you're in the movie. I haven't told them yet. I haven't told them. Well, I kind of, I'm in the movie, so you have to let me know. Hopefully I make the final cut.

We'll see what happens. I know the producer.

Yeah, exactly. So you have to let me know what you guys think. It's called Queens on the Run in English. If you're, you know, watching in Spanish, it's called Fuga de las Reinas. Yes. which means Queens on the Run on Netflix. It's coming out early to mid April, so make sure to be tuned for that. Check that out. Follow Martha Igarreta on Instagram, on TikTok, on Facebook. Martha has an incredible, two incredible shows in Spanish on YouTube and on audio. So we'll have that linked up in the description below. So make sure you guys check those out. You can click on those. It's really inspiring stuff. So if you are a Spanish speaker by native tongue, go listen and watch that because it's really powerful and the people you bring on is really inspiring.

Yeah, very inspiring. A lot of therapists, a lot of, you know, again, same, it's like a similar thing.

Right.

Is it that funny because I was doing that before we met.

Yeah.

And we went, wait, what?

I know, very beautiful.

It was amazing.

So make sure you guys check those out. One of them is called Infinitos, which is one that Martha does solo with different guests. And the other one is called the Todo un Mucho. The Todo un Mucho.

He's gonna be speaking Spanish. I know, that's my intention. See, see.

See, see. And so check out both of those shows. Also, if you just go on Netflix or Apple TV or Amazon and you just type in your name, Martha Igareda, you can see all the past movies that she's done. You can find them kind of on all the streamers. There's different ones on different streamers. So check them out. If you're Spanish speaking or if you want subtitles in English, they have them as well. But some amazing movies. I haven't even seen them all. There's over 40 movies you've done. You're amazing in Altered Carbon, which is where I first found out about you. which is an English TV show. But other than that, I am so grateful for you. I appreciate you very much. I love you very much. I'm so grateful for you.

I feel-- I feel this table is too big.

It's too far apart. I feel awkward because I'm not like holding your hands this whole time, but I'm so grateful for you. I love you. I'm so grateful for the joy, the peace that you bring in my life. And I'm so glad that we got to start this conversation on the podcast. and I really acknowledge you for teaching me about love in a beautiful way, for showing me that love is really about acceptance and love is about celebrating all of you, not just parts of you that are good, but all of you. So thank you for celebrating all of me and accepting all of me. I love you. I appreciate you. I'm so grateful for you for waking up every morning and living a dream that I get to see you smile and kiss me and hug me. It's a dream. And so thank you for being in my life and for teaching me about love in a way that I've never felt before. I'm very grateful for you. I still feel like I should be next to you, kissing you and hugging you. But thank you very much. Very grateful. And I can't wait to continue to share what we're learning with people here about relationships, about, and really about the relationship each one of us gets to have with ourselves and how to heal and grow and step into a better version of ourselves. So I want people to follow you, check you out, subscribe everywhere, and I'm going to ask you your three truths and your definition of greatness. So what would be your three truths?

For that, I just wanted to say that I'm so, so grateful to experience love with you in the way you love, in the way you show up. You're incredible to me. And you're so unique. And I love you not because you are, you know, an incredible partner and you do all these things and you go, beyond your way to make me feel like I'm the number one priority. But because you are unique. And your uniqueness is what fills my heart with even more joy and even more happiness. And I wake up every morning, when people don't know this, obviously, but I wake up every morning, sometimes I wake up before you, and then I go.

What is he he's gonna say, you.

Know, what is he gonna share? Like, what is the adventure? And that's the thing that life is an adventure. You know that. That's one of my favorite phrases. And every day you go in your mission, you go explore the world, you go conquer, you do share, you go in service. That's what you do. And when you come back home, I'm excited. to see you and excited to hear what you have to share.

I see.

And excited to share what is happening in my world.

Yeah.

And because I know, how do I explain this? That life, if there's a certainty, is that life is uncertain. And because life is uncertain, it's because I take care of our relationship every day. Yeah. and having the freedom to be me and hopefully feel the freedom to be you is one of the biggest gifts we can give each other.

Yeah. Okay, well, what's your. What's your three truths? If all you could share are three lessons with the world and all of your content was erased, movies were gone, this interview is gone. What would you say are three lessons you would share with the world? Are truth.

Wow. One would be that it's anything that you do if you do it in service of others, whereas it's your family, whereas it's your friends, whereas it's your community, anything that you do in service of others. comes from that real authentic you. That you that knows that we are here not just for ourselves but to serve. And to leave a world that is, to leave the world better than how we found it. And so in anything you want to manifest in life, if you just don't do it just because of you, But if you do it because you're serving another person, another human being, the fastest you will manifest into your life. It's almost like the universe says, oh, you get it. You get it that it's not just about you. It's about others. So I think that would be one. Another one would be this idea that we have of success. I was, you know, I'm very close to my father. And he was doing the garden. And I had this conversation when I was probably like 12 years old. And I said to him, Dad, what is success? And he said, this moment right now, me looking at you and the way the sun, because he's a painter. so he's always looking at how things look, how the sun rays are landing on your hair, and how I'm at this moment just cutting this bush and I'm having this moment. For me, that is success. So we don't know about tomorrow. We may have all these different dreams and all these different plans and all these different visions of what we want to accomplish, what we want to do. But that one moment, he said, I'm being successful right now. The third one would be, don't die with your music in you. And this is not mine, but it's something that I heard that when you... It's a story about a guy who's very, very old. He's just about to die, and he's in his deathbed and he is very regretful because he says, I had all these melodies that were playing in my head. He was a musician. I have all these melodies that I never, never got to write. And here I am leaving this world and nobody will be able to listen to all the music. that lived in my heart. So I think that's a very beautiful, very important lesson for every one of us. Whatever it is that it is your purpose or your mission or the thing that just lights you the most, whereas is being with your family and being present with them or whereas is being a dancer, whereas is writing that book, don't die with with your music in you.

Okay, love those. And what's your definition of greatness?

My definition of greatness is being in the moment, being loved, being in service, and just enjoying the ride. You can take responsibility about things without blaming yourself. And you can hold the other person accountable without blaming them. It's not a blame dance. But it is an understanding of what did I do that made you do what you then did to me, then made me... That's the relationship.