Terry Crews Shares His BIGGEST Secret To SUCCESS! | Lewis Howes

If we never show who you really are, how are you gonna, we need intimacy. And what intimacy is, is, and this is one thing I tell people all the time, is that success, I think.

You gotta have a dream. The School of Greatness.

Really? Yeah.

Please welcome, Lewis Howes. What do you think has been the biggest mistake that was the hardest for you to forgive yourself that you did? First off, we're getting deep.

Oh, yeah, let's go. No, let's go. First of all, being unfaithful to my wife. Let's give you a little background on this whole thing. My wife and I, we've been married 30 years now. As of July, it'll be 30 years. And I got married the day before my 21st birthday. Wow. I didn't even know who you were. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? You're like, oh, somebody likes me? Marry her. You know what I mean? And let me tell you, man, it's weird because you don't know why you do things, okay? Especially in my culture, and I want to specifically talk about African American culture. Therapy was looked at as something that meant you were crazy. And it was like, the whole thing is, I'm not crazy. Why would I go to a therapist? And what was so wild is my father was super abusive. okay? And he went, he was very abusive to my mom, my family, the whole thing is an alcoholic.

Physically, emotionally.

Everything, man. Just, man, it was, nothing was good, nothing was good to him until it was wrecked. Like, anything, if you were having fun, he wanted to suck all the air out of the room. And even to this day, you're like, if you're five minutes having fun, he comes in, it's like, oh my God. He just, it's that narcissist, it's that guy who just, he does not like when everyone else has happened. So, you know, I mean, that was one of the things that I learned. And he went to a therapist one time. And when I was a kid, the therapist killed himself. He literally jumped off a bridge. And I was like, my father went to him and I'm like, this guy is done. So in my head, I'm like, you know what? It doesn't work.

Mm-.

So I said, we gotta fight it out. We just gotta do it and, you know, and make our way and do our thing. And but when I was about, I would say maybe nine, nine years old, eight, nine years old, I was exposed to pornography. Mm-. And I developed an addiction immediately simply because, you know, you have numbing mechanisms, you know, things that can get you through. Now, I didn't drink.

Yeah.

I wasn't on drugs. you know, I was in the, I was a sports guy, but man, porn was like, if I saw it, it was, oh my, and this is back when you had pornography in the grocery store. Wow. Yeah. I mean, people were still experimenting. People were like, it was Playboy days and the whole thing. And I remember my mother would send me in to go get some milk.

And there was Playboy and Hustler.

It wasn't wrapped up in plastic. Oh, it was right there, right next to people. Yeah. You know, it was like, and I remember just going, what in the what? And she used to come in like, what do you want? What are you doing? Put that down. I'll put it down. But see, See, that's the kind of toxic kind of thing that was ingrained in me from a young age. But also, my mother was addicted to religion. You gotta understand, Louis, when I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to play sports. I wasn't allowed to go to the movies, listen to secular music, dance. Only thing we did was go to church. So you're talking about, I had, Two people that were opposite extremes in the house, and I was stuck in the middle. And what was crazy is that, you know, I had to please both of them at all times. So, I was a good kid. I mean, it was like, my father would come in, oh my God, we gotta just straighten up this house. We gotta do the thing. You want something to drink? Here's your beer. What do you want? Just stay out of his way. you know, get everything right, make sure you iron your clothes, 'cause he hates when you don't iron your clothes. I mean, just that kind of panic. You had to please him, cause. Oh my God, just eating, if he looked at you funny, you're like, what's wrong with me? You know what I mean? That was the thing. Like, it was never a love look. Like, I never got a look of like, man, I love this. I'm proud of this. Listen, I will never forget, man. I remember when he was drunk and he was just sitting there and doing his thing, and he looked at me and I was a kid, man. I remember I walked up, and kissed him on the cheek. Because I was like, this is my dad. I want to show him I love him. He looked at me like, he looked at me with such disgust. Wow. And disdain. I said, I will never do that again. I felt so much shame. I remember, I'll never forget it to this day. Man, I'm 50 years old. I was like, oh my God. That look he gave me was like, what is wrong with you? And I was like, I'll never do that again. And then the religious aspect, because I really could never please my mother, because the big thing with her was that, you know, you have to be saved. Now, in the church I went to, you had to get saved all the time.

Every week.

You had to be saved every week. And it was like, okay, give your life to Jesus every week. If you knew one sin, the one thing that blew everybody away is back in the day, There was, you know, the whole concept was the rapture and that God is going to come back and he's going to take all of his saints and all the sinners are going to be left. And okay, when I'm nine, you didn't really explain the whole thing to me because they said, when anybody who's left here, your head's going to get cut off. This is the way they did it. Your head's going to get cut off and they're going to be blading in the streets and, you know, oh, they're going to throw you on a kiln. And let me tell you something. I mean, they would tell us this. And they were like, so you want to be good? So this is the deal. I used to have nightmares, nightmares as a kid. I literally wet the bed when I was 14 years old because of the violence that was happening, but also just panicked feeling of, I'm never good enough. I'm never going to make it. And you know, I think I told a lie. Did I tell a lie? I don't know. Oh my, I got to get saved again. So you have this pressure, and I remember just feeling like I was spinning. And there was a, it was what you would call a holy roller church. So what would happen is when, you know, music would play, people would feel the spirit and my friend would be sitting next to me, he'd start jumping up and down and everybody's running around. I mean, literally sprinting around the church. And the music is going, oh, yeah. And I was like, oh, my God, I want this. Like, how do I get this? Like, how do I, can I, can I, can I have it? And the preacher got up there and he said, you, know what? if you don't feel nothing, you must not have nothing. See, this is words I'll never forget. And I went, no, no, no, no. And I was like, and so I was instantly wrong. I would go home, like, I don't feel it. I'm not feeling like jumping. I can't. And then I found out later that these people were manufacturing all this stuff. The pastor that told us that later, I found out, was selling drugs out of the pulpit. Oh my God. And had girlfriends all over the church. And then I found everything, it was like this lie that I was living, you know what I mean? But this was the thing to escape pornography. Right.

That helped you numb the pain, and feel something.

Let me tell you, it was no wrong in porn. And I was like, oh, they're so beautiful. This is like, oh, and I just would numb out. And then, see, that was back in the day when cable just started. So, you know, they had like these little channels, Playboy Channel and the whole thing. back then, you could actually put the, they would scramble it, but if you held the channel, if you held it in between, it would come in clear.

Oh, yeah.

And I would do that every, I mean, it was like porn every night, you know? I mean, I was like, anytime anybody was watching, it was like, oh. And it became, it became a strong hold. But I never told my wife, and I thought, this was the thing, when I met my wife, and I met my wife in church, and she was the best woman I've ever seen in my life, and I was like, I can't believe a woman like this would love me. I can't believe this.

Well, she didn't know about you. She didn't know your shame.

I told her as much as I felt she could tolerate. I remember just kinda, you know, I used to watch this porn, it was crazy. She was like, oh really? Yeah, but I don't do that anymore. You know what I mean? But this was the thing, I thought, Once I get married, it's gonna be gone.

What's gonna be gone? The porn addiction?

Porn addiction. I thought, oh, all I need is a real woman and I'll be fine. You're like, see, that's the problem. I just need to cover it all up. But I never dealt with it. And what happened was, we spent, during our first year of marriage, I mean, literally months later, I was back. And I remember, because back in the day, you didn't have you know, internet, there would be bookstores, videotapes, stuff like that. And I was just like, man, and I would feel so much shame. Louis, I remember every time I was like, I'll never do this again. I will never do this again.

Two days later, back at it.

And you just feel like, and then I just said, you know what? Everybody's lying. Then you kind of get rectified where you go, you know what? Everyone is like this. So everyone has a double life. I get it now. Everyone, you just have to keep the image. Got it. You understand what I mean? So I was just like, all right, the image is all I need to keep. And of course, you know, we can't really keep, you know, we can't really do be that good. So as long as you keep your image up, you'll be fine. And I did that for how long? For the next 20 years. Wow. 20 years. Now, what happened is I was in Vancouver. and it was my first time working. I had spent seven years in the NFL. My wife and went to the NFL with me. We've been doing all this stuff because again, with this kind of pleasing kind of attitude, you can go really far. Like, you can get really successful doing this stuff. You know what I mean? Like, you become a machine. You know, I was the workout king. I was the business king. I was the pro. I was gonna make it to the NFL. I was gonna do whatever I put my head to. because you're motivated by you're kicked into your future. Everything is like you beat yourself up. You know what I mean? In fact, I'm going to work out double. In fact, I'm going to do triple the work. I'm going to do, you know, I got to make it. And you don't take no for an answer. You are now so competitive, so like, you know, my whole mindset was down. I'm going to destroy everyone. That was what it is. I mean, I literally, but I would smile and I would be very friendly.

But you were competing against everyone.

But the whole thing was, it was a plot. You know what I mean? And this was the thing. I finally started acting. And my first job, I was in Vancouver, and I knew I was no good. Because you feel like a farce. It was Imposter Syndrome times 100, because First movie I ever auditioned for, I got. It's a big Schwarzenegger movie. I'm on it. And I'm sitting there and I would go back and it was so bad. I remember they told me, they were like, Terry, we're not gonna use you for a couple weeks. You can actually fly back home. I was like, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna stay it. And they were like, well, you don't have to. I said, no, I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna-- because I'm thinking I'm gonna get cut or something like that. But I want to go and prove what I was gonna be the best actor of all time. Dude, so I'm up there and I'm in a tailspin. I'm lonely, I'm hungry, I'm angry, and I'm tired.

You're not working?

Dude, I decide, and I'd been watching pornography. I decide for the first time to go to a massage parlor. And I'd heard about things, but she's like, well, I'll just, no, I'll go get a massage. You know, you just fine. Right, right, right. you literally justified. I went there and was unfaithful. And I was like, well, let me tell you, when it was. When it was over, I remember going back to my room, and I was like, I crossed the line. Wow. Like, the line had been crossed, man. Like, Even thinking about it now, it was so dark, you know what I mean? I remember just going back in the room and I went back and I was like, how did I do that? You know, it's funny because once you've been, once you caught out there and the big trick is, it's right, you know, this is going to give you something, this is going to do something for you, and then you realize you've been duped. And I was in that room and I was like, man, how could I do this? How could I do this? Okay, okay, Terry. Keep this secret forever. I literally said, I'm going to die with this.

Wow.

I am going to die with this. And I never told her. I mean, and what was weird, it affected everything I did.

How so?

I would go home and my wife would go, you know, we'd see something or it'd be a movie about something cheating or whatever. She'd be like, you know what? I'm glad you didn't ever do something like that.

And you feel something in your heart, yeah.

And you'd be like, mmm, yep, yep. Anything she would question me about, I would start arguments so that they wouldn't, so we wouldn't get that deep. Why do you think, listen, you don't have any, I would never do anything like that. Why would you even think that? And it was projection. Lots of anger. And the porn never stopped.

Really?

Because it's not exposed. And this is the thing, she never knew who I really, really was. And I felt like, my God, if I ever tell her, if I show her, she's gone. Wow. So it was a farce.

So the fear of losing was the best thing you ever had. your family, your relationship, your marriage, if you told her, but you had to hold the pain in and hold the shame in, and you felt like you could never tell her. So it was like, either way, you lose.

It was all loss. So I decided, Terry Crews ain't gonna lose. He's gonna fake it. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? No matter what. But then it all came crashing down. Now, you gotta understand, like, I never went back to a massage parlor. But again, pornography, there were, you know, there were like these places where you could go and there would be, you know, strip clubs and this, that kind of thing. And I was just like, well, it wasn't as bad as what I did before. So you start again, rationalizing and you go, well, I'm just a guy. Or then you start an argument with her and then you go, well, look, you know what I need and you're not giving it to me. Just all this, kind of like justification is what I could say. And so you feel like, well, I'm not as bad as him. And dude, she knew the whole time. Because every time you do it, you're not close. It's like you put a new brick in between your relationship. There's a new seal off. And this is one thing I discovered, you know, intimacy. is what a man is looking for, man. I mean, we need intimacy. And what intimacy is, is when you can see me for who I really, really am and accept me and love me for who I am, for real. But as guys, if we never show who you really are, how are you gonna ever get intimacy? It's for real. It's like you're literally yelling from behind a wall saying, how do I look, honey? Yeah. And she's like, I can't see you. But you're like, thank you, all right. Yeah, I'm great, thanks. And you're like, no. If you show who you really are now, you can deal. But I had a wall. And she was just like, what? Terry, it was this night. We call it D-Day. It's really, we're going on the anniversary of it because it was around February 4th, 2010.

Coming up.

It's coming up. And I remember the Super Bowl was coming up and I remember it was a snowstorm in New York City. I was in New York, she was in LA.

And- so you've been together for how long now?

30 years. We have already been 20 years. 20 years. 20 years.

She didn't know who you were.

Did not know.

Wow.

Okay. And she had, again, she had suspicion.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, she knew. Exactly. And again, I was covering tracks and, but man, she was like, what is it I don't know about you, Terry Crews? Another thing I have to say is that I was very successful. Yeah. I was very successful.

You were rising.

Oh my God. Achieving. Dude, I'd already been through the NFL, already done all these movies and TV shows. and this kind of thing. Commercials, and this is one thing I tell people all the time, is that success is the warmest place to hide. It's so warm in here. Because first of all, remember, the image is the most important thing. So if the image is good, people are automatically like, He's good. He's got a wife, he's got kids, he's got this, he's got that. Oh my God, he looks great. But inside, I knew what I was doing. I knew that my crap hadn't been exposed and she knew. So finally she came to me that night and I was at the Mercer Hotel right there in Soho. Never forget it, man. In fact, I've never stayed in a Mercer since then. Simply because it was just that reminders of Soho. It's such a dark place. I actually have to redeem that place. You know what I mean? To go there, beauty for ashes.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

Right. And redeem it. But what's so crazy is that she said, Terry, it just blew me away. It cracked my egg, man. She said, what is it I don't know about you, Terry Crews? Because we have been arguing all night. And those words, I remember just hanging up. And then I laid there in the bed. And I was like, you know what? Keep the lie, keep the lie. Don't tell her. And something told me, man, and I ain't gonna tell you. I don't even have to tell you what it was like. The universe, people could call it was God, it was Jesus, it was whatever runs the world. Yeah. Said to me, Terry Crews, if you don't tell her, I'm going to leave. Wow. Now, I was just like, wait a minute. Like, I've been, it was almost like a, he was like, I've been dealing with you forever, giving you a shot to tell your truth, to really just be honest. You know what? I'm done with you. And I felt so alone. It was, man, it was, I can't even describe. It was, again, it was a snowstorm going on. It was like, everything was dark, dark, dark, and I'll never, felt that darkness, anything like that ever again. It was the only thing I could compare it to was 10 years earlier when I was in Vancouver. Wow. It was like the whole thing came back full circle. I mean, years later, right? I called her up, we talked again, and I told her, Lewis, I'll never forget the gas. on the other end of the line.

Wow.

I was like, oh, no. She said, oh, my God. She said, Terry, don't come home. You don't have a home to come to.

Holy hell.

My life was over.

Wow.

My life was over. That right there, I was like. And then I kind of. And this is a strange thing. It was, you know what I was like? I felt relief. I said, Good.

You got it up your chest.

You know what? Go ahead and leave then. Then you probably weren't with me in the beginning. Again, I still didn't want to give it up. I was like, you know, I'll just find me another girl and now I'll just start over. Cause I'm successful. I'm successful. I already have it. Cause see, this is the thing, Hollywood doesn't care if you lose your family. No. In fact, they're like, look, now we can book you for more movies.

You have more time.

Yeah, you know, you have way more time. Now you're all good. And I was like, okay, you know, I'm good. Fine. And then all of a sudden, again, that voice was like, okay, Terry, but it's still you. It's still your problem. You now have no family. All you have is an image that's fake.

And some success and some money and, you know, I said, oh my God.

He said, Terry, you have to hold yourself accountable. And I was like, it sunk in on me that I knew. I said, oh my God. And then I called a friend. I mean, because it was dark and I was like, man, my wife left me and she's done with me and the whole thing. He said, Terry, Look, I cannot guarantee you or promise you that your wife will ever come back. But you have a problem and you have to get better for you. And that's it. He said, I can't make any promises. Because I was like, I was like, you know, look, I got, I told her and everything. So now I'm supposed to get everything back, right? No. And so I was like, I see it. I see it. and it was like a cracked egg. It was like this whole life. Like, one thing I realized is that at certain times in a man's life, he's either a fool, he's a victim, or he's a king. And when you're a fool, you're like, you goof it all up. Ah, well, you know, but you think there are no consequences for your actions, but there are always consequences for every act you do. Everything. good or bad. But then when you mess your whole life up being a fool, you become a victim. Now, oh my God, look, you know why I did that? Because I was black. You know why? Because I grew up in all that religion. My father was an alcoholic. You know, he beat my mom. You know that, right? Or look at the situation. I'm from Flint, Michigan, man. It's hard for a black man in this society, in this way we did it. I had, let me tell you, the table is always full of excuses because they're valid. There's a lot of people against you. And you can say, oh my God, this table is full. It's like, man, this is the reason why I'm like this. And this is, this, this, this. And man, you never run out.

And you always stay down.

Always. But the king stage is when you realize, wait a minute, this is your table. Wait a minute, this is your room. You have to accept whatever you are letting into your life, good or bad. As a king, you can tell people, get out of your court. As a king, you don't have to accept any of those excuses. As a king, you have to know that you are responsible for your life, good and You did that. So as a king, if something's not right, it's your responsibility to change it. Dude, it was like I had to go to rehab. I went to rehab. It was this place called Psychological Counseling Services. It was in Arizona. I mean, yeah, in Arizona and Phoenix. And man- How long did you go for? Oh man. Well, you go for a full week. It's like an intensive. Where you don't do anything, you're there for like 16 hours a day.

This is 2010?

This was, yeah, it was 2010. So, and my wife told me she thought I would never ever do anything like that. Because again, I was not, listen, we had been going to like therapy, but when you're not honest, it doesn't work. You know what I mean? You're just telling the game and whatever. Dude, I went in there and I was like, this ain't me. This ain't me in like the first couple hours. I'm like, come on. this is crazy. Then all of a sudden, I was like, oh, my God, this is me.

Wow.

This is me. This is the problem. This is what I. This is the issue. I knew I was in tears. I was broke. I was like, I was toxic. Like, when you finally could turn the thing around and see yourself as ugly as you were, I was just. so, so guilty. Let me tell you, it wasn't shame. It was guilt. There's a big difference.

What's the difference?

Shame says you are bad. Guilt says you did something wrong. The problem is when I was feeling shame since I was a kid. Yeah. As you, you, it's you, it's you. And this is the thing, when you are ashamed person, And when you try to motivate people through shame, what you're doing is constantly telling them, you are a bad person. You are like this. You are wrong. You are messed up. So you know what happens is no matter where you go, you go back to, I am messed up. But when you realize, wait a minute, wait a minute, it's not that I'm messed up. It's that I made a messed up choice. Yeah. That changed the framework for me. And I was like, and it didn't excuse anything. Now, mind you, it did not. It was, you are, I had to say it. And the thing is, it's like a courtroom, like a court. For you to actually be guilty, you have to say it. Think about it. There's nobody, if you never admit guilt, it will never be presented. You have to say, I am guilty. I did the crime. And it allows everyone to see you as you truly are. And I went through the process of guilt, of making sure I was guilty. I knew what I said, I put my wife through this, I put my family through this, I did this, I did this. Now let me correct it. But see, shame you can't correct. Shame is incorrigible. You can't, there's nothing, what happens is shame, you just cover. Shame is something you just put, you know, let's put some leaves over here, put leaves over the body. You know what I mean? It's like, there's no way you can really, you know, shame is one of those things where you just have to like color it. Image covers shame. But when you are dealing with yo, now, you've been proven guilty. Now there's punishments. You have to make amends. You have to be accountable. There's all kinds of things, man. You have to come back. You have to forgive people who did things to you. You have to ask forgiveness for what you did to other people. Let me tell you. And I have to say this. The Forgiveness that my wife showed me was a, was. When I say a car carrying lesson for any person ever, because, and I understand why people get divorced. I do. First of all, I should be. But this woman, this is the thing, this is the intimacy that I always, always wanted because she saw me for who I was for real. And she said, Terry, I love you anyway. Wow. Wow. That's all you want? Yeah. That's all I ever wanted. All I ever wanted was to be seen for who I was. And I was like, you love me? Like, I thought it was real. I was like, I thought she wouldn't come back. But she did. She said, Betty, I love you. Man, that blew me away. Because I was living this man life and here I am, you see me as nothing. I'm like, I'm feel about myself, like I feel like I'm worth dirt. And she was like, oh, I love you. And man, that changed everything. It was like, The thing that I needed, I was running from the whole time. Louis, I was running from it the whole time. And I vowed, I said, after that, I said, My God, my God, I can correct this. This is fixable. This is fixable. This is not something, this is what I learned through counseling, and I continue to this day. I mean, it's been 10 years. of constant, constant work, constant just, Hey man, I can fix this. Wait a minute. And this is why when I talk about toxic masculinity, I'm talking about me. I'm not in the game to be like, Look at you guys. Let me tell you about you and what you've been doing. Hold up, I'm talking about me. First of all, when people clown me about, oh man, you got molested, I would have been the guy who did that stuff. Yeah. I would have been the guy like, man, you're too big to get, man. You just need to smack somebody and get out of here. I would have been that person. So I'm never ever pointing the fingers at another man as if you need to get it together, brother. I'm not spreading shit. But I am saying we need to say we're guilty. Wow. We need to say, what it is we did wrong. And this is the only way. The only way I can really. Because right now in our society today, we have a big thing about apologies. Yeah, hey, I said I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry. So now you gotta forgive me. And let's keep going. The only way I can really, really kind of put this thing down is when it's like driving drunk. You hit somebody in a car. You get out of the car, hey man, sorry.

Yeah.

And then you get back in the car and drive away. First of all, that is today's version of an apology. But what we're talking about, accountability is totally different. Accountability is you stay there with that person you hit. Accountability is the police come. You've been driving drunk. you get arrested. Accountability, you lost your license. Accountability, you're paying fines and you're paying for the person you hit and you are paying for their recovery.

You might be in jail for some time, you might have to pay fines.

Listen, you'll be cleaning up on the side of the freeway for about six months. You know what I mean? It doesn't matter what status you are, that's accountability. You pay the price. And accountability says that it says now we can get back to even here. Now it's about men's balance.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? And that's what I have dedicated my life to doing. Yeah. My life, it's funny because when I look at even the massage parlor that I went to, I learned later on I joined, I became an ambassador for the Polaris Project. which deals with sex trafficking. It talked about how many of the women that are involved in that whole thing are not free. They're not free. They were there, they're basically indentured servants. And they're basically trying to pay off debts to get out from some pimp or get out from under someone who's got them. And I played that whole thing out in my head because I said, I did that. I gotta correct this. And so I became an ambassador for Polaris Project because to stop human slavery today, the fact that at every opportunity that I can see, I'm really trying to tell my story in order to just bring light. So, man, we've been hypnotized as men. We've been hypnotized, man. This masculinity thing is to a point where I can understand the Taliban. Right. You know what I mean? Like, wait a minute, I knew Taliban. In African-American culture, we have a black Taliban. It's like, if you don't do black the right way, you're out.

Really?

If you are not this kind of black man, you are instantly, and this is a lot of things white people don't know, but there is a sector that is so pro-black Taliban, I call them the Ankh-Rite, which is the Ankh symbol, the Egyptian thing. that they actually line up with white racists. Oh my gosh.

And they go attack Black people.

And I'm talking about Black people. And it blows your mind. This is Taliban. I was like, this is, but it's as toxic as it comes. And I remember being, like, having attitudes and things. I remember my wife would tell me stuff. We would have arguments. I was like, you know, that girl, she's got to watch what she's wearing. She said, Terry, it doesn't matter what she's wearing. Nobody should be able to touch her. Without her permission. I was like, yeah, but she's wearing it. It doesn't matter. Because I was in a framework and a mindset where you're like, Man, let me tell you, when you come out, you start, and it's wild because it's almost like falling off a cliff. You fall and you just hit the ledge. You think you're on the bottom, but you're hitting a cliff. It's like things are revealed and things are like, Man, look, look, look. And then in 2017, my wife and I went to this party. And this agent who was the head of William Morris Endeavor, his name was Adam Bennett, literally represented Michael B. Jordan, Sylvester Stallone, all the super big stars, Adam Sandler. It was actually Sandler's party. And this guy comes over to me, I mean, he's licking his tongue out, doing all this crazy stuff. I've got my wife's hand. Let me tell you something. Once you out of that, you know what toxic masculinity looks like. You know. And I have to say, the term toxic masculinity has been overused. People have been, ah, toxic, toxic, toxic. You know what it is? It's abuse of power. Quite simply, it's an abuse of power. Anywhere you see this kind of stuff, where you see an abuse of power, we're talking about these kind of problems. This guy came over to me, man, and he's licking his tongue. Now, I know drunk, and I know drugs. I grew up in Flint, Michigan. I know the crack epidemic. I grew up with it. I know people who are high as hell. He was high on something. I cannot, I don't know what it was. He was out of his mind. Eyes dilated, going crazy, and I'm going, what is wrong with this dude? And you're with your wife. I'm with my wife. He comes over to me, he gropes me in my gym. I mean, not even, he just grabs a handful. I'm like, yeah, hey, man. What are you doing? Then he's laughing and he comes back again. I'm like, dude, dude. And I grab his hands, I restrain him, I push him back. I mean, he literally falls into other people. And I can't believe what I'm, I mean, this is my agency. These are people I pay millions of dollars to. So I go, okay, okay. My wife. has seen me before in my toxic days.

Get aggressive.

Yeah, yeah, she's seen me in the football days. She's seen me throw people over her head.

Wow.

Literally.

Wow.

She's seen people get beat down in the street. And she was like, years earlier. You know, this was during the therapy times and during our comeback time. She said, Terry, you cannot let anyone pull you into any sort of altercation because you're going to lose everything. Wow. She would always tell me, always like, can't react, can't respond. Can't react. Because this was also part of my therapy. Because I had anger. I had big anger. I wanted to fight. I said, man, that's how I got in the NFL. Seven years in the NFL was a fight. That's all you do. Look, man, you got two good parents. You probably ain't gonna make it in the NFL. No. I'm just trying to tell you, you get that kind of peaceful life. Yeah, you're too soft. You're too comfortable. You play on pain, dude. You play on, My Daddy Beat My Mom. I'm gonna beat your ass just like that. Wow. I'm gonna tell you, man, I'll put my head in. My holding skill was my ability to take tremendous amounts of pain. That was the deal. I was angry. It's like jail anger, you know what I mean? I'm telling you, I do NFL players. You put us in any prison, we'll run it. I'm just telling you, 'cause I could go to prison now and I know I could be fine. Wow. Because that pain was something that you like, man, don't touch me. You enjoyed a fight. So you wanna fight? You understand what I mean? Yeah, you look for it. You're like, you bring it. And she was like, Now you're different. We have to work this. I said, you,'re right. And I had that question, why would I want to just snap on somebody? Why would I love to just put somebody's face in the pavement. Why can't I walk away? Let me tell you, man, that was the biggest test I ever had, ever. Because I grabbed her hand. Because I was gonna kill this dude. Wow. Lewis. Dude, I'm trying to. Listen, what people don't even even fathom, fathom, is the aftermath of these kind of actions. I know. Because imagine, even if I would have just pow! And he fell and died.

Um, your career's over.

Your life's over. Wait, life's over. Wait, he may not even have been there to tell the story. Everybody was like, Terry Crews just killed a man. Well, what was he high? I don't know. No, he bumped into Terry, he got mad. I wouldn't have been able to say it. Well, he did that. They'd be like, yeah, right. Right. Dude, I got in that car, I got my hands on the steering wheel. I was gonna drive back in. I mean, I literally was gonna drive like, I, it was, took everything I had to drive away.

I go back and, yeah.

She said, my wife was like, I'm so proud of you. Wow. I'm proud of you, Terry. I'm proud of you. And I was like, now, next day, go right to the agency. I'm like, Hey man, what are you gonna do about this? This is crazy. Guy calls me up, I'm sorry I was drunk. Instantly I knew he was lying. He says, When you tell me you're drunk, I know you're lying. So now you're not dealing with this thing. Now you're not willing to say you're guilty.

You just got back in the car.

You're making an excuse. I'm on the ground. You got back in the car, you drove off. You just made an excuse. and he was like, sorry about that. So I go up, I talk to my agent, I say, dude, you gotta do something. We're gonna handle this. We're gonna handle this at the highest levels. We're gonna do ever, whatever it takes, Terry. You watch. I got zero. I waited, waited, waited. It was like eight months later, and I'm going, nobody's doing nothing. But I couldn't believe it. I was like, babe. Nobody's making a move. I said, this is ridiculous. And all of a sudden, the Weinstein story breaks. And these guys all over the internet are going in on these girls about they kept the story. You know, now why are you telling now? Why are you doing this now? Why are you doing that now? I just got so angry I couldn't believe it. Because I said, this happened to me. I was molested. And I didn't go public. You know what I mean? I didn't make a big deal. I'm waiting for them to make it right. I didn't say William Morris did this right off. And first of all, if I'd have made a police report back then, I would have been laughed out of the station. They'd have been like, what? They'd have been like, who cares? Yeah. What? They grab assing, man. What, what, what? Because first of all, you're talking about a complicit system. I mean, imagine the women that come through. It's like, oh yeah, yeah, whatever. Look what she was wearing, man. Hey, hey, I couldn't resist. And dude, I would have been laughed at. There was nothing I could say. But when that hit, when that happened, I backed those women up right away through 16 tweets. My wife didn't know, publicist didn't know, agent, the whole, nobody knew. I was on a set of Brooklyn Nine-Nine and I did those tweets and I knew, I was like, oh my God. I said, if I had remained silent, I would have felt like a fraud. I said, those women were being sent out in the fire, like they were just out there and these guys were just lambasting them. And I said, I gotta support you. I have to support you. Their courage gave me my courage. And because I know what it is. I know what this shit is, man. And I said, man, and they were gaslighting me, dude. So finally, when I did these tweets, I remember, I didn't name a name. Did not say a name at all. They usually calls me. Hey Terry, you all right? We saw your tweets and the whole thing. I said, so why are you calling me? And he said, well, we didn't know Terry, we didn't know. This was one of the higher ups. He's like, we didn't know. I said, well, why are you calling me? Because I didn't name anybody in those tweets. Could have been anybody. You knew. So stop playing this fucking game with me. I mean, literally, that's for real. And I was like, dude, are you serious? The great A. R. E. M. A. N. D. E. L. President of William Morris, the man. He's like, I am going to grant you a meeting with me. That's what he said.

Grant you a meeting?

I am going to grant you a meeting with me. He said, Would you like it to be at my home? Or we could meet at the Four Seasons. I was like, you know, I'm not going to your house. Let's meet at the hotel. So he sits there, he comes in, he's like talking, oh man, I juice, do you juice? I'm going, We really gonna talk about juice right now? Okay. I said, Look, I pulled out a letter. I pulled out a letter he wrote that said, Mel Gibson should be blacklisted from Hollywood. Why? Because of anti-Semitic remarks. He should never work again. What I did, I took that same letter, I crossed out Mel Gibson, put Adam Bennett, his agent. Crossed out anti-Semitic remarks, and I put sexual assault. And I said, Read that. Now you know what you have to do. He said, It's different. So what's different about it? He said, well, you know, I said, first of all, hey, look, anti-Semitic remarks as reprehensible as they may be are not illegal. Sexual assault is a crime punishable by law. What he did to me, you go to jail for. He was like, look, okay, what we're gonna do, he's gonna lose his title. and we're gonna suspend him for 30 days. Is that good enough for you? I said, wait a minute, why are you asking me what's good enough for me? I said, first of all, I said, it's not my job to tell you how to police your people. I said, dude, he has to go. You cannot do this to a client and go back to work. I am accepting nothing less than his dismissal, Mr. Ari Emanuel. He said, Do what you gotta do, Terry. And that started our year saga of courtrooms. And then they went public and said that I basically tried to take advantage of the MeToo movement and piggyback on this movement that Real women had been really molested. And they protected him. They stood by him. They were like, he did nothing wrong. We went into all this hoopla. And finally it all hit the fan because more people started coming forward. Oh, wow. More people. And they just kept, they got, oh, we just found this out. You knew this shit from the beginning.

Right.

Listen, you just wanted to play me out. And listen, I have, I have big time stars, big time people came to me and they said, Terry, they told me not to work with you. Wow. Terry, they told me not to do. They were planting wrong stuff. They had stories planted about me and prostitutes and Monaco and the whole thing ready to go to all the press. And that was my second honeymoon. And I was like, no, no. So what I did, I just went in, I put all their stuff and put it out myself. And I went vocal, I went public, I went, see, 'cause this kind of thing, you gotta call out a heckler. You understand what I mean? Toxic masculinity, when these guys get mean, these people who wanna abuse, they pray for your silence. Silence is violence, man. They pray you never tell. But what I did, I went on a tour. I went on Dr. Phil, I was on Megan Kelly, I was on every talk show, everywhere. Naming names. They were like, to the point where they couldn't stand it. I mean, their own clients had to be like, what's going on here, man? Right. And then he resigned. They gave me my money back, 'cause I never wanted any money. I didn't want a dime. He had to go. I accepted that. They actually were talking about, well, what does he want? What does he want? You know, they sent lawyers to do that. I walked out. I was like, I'm not playing this game. They said, what do you want? I want them gone. Well, that's not gonna happen. I said, well then, you're not gonna get it. It ain't gonna happen. Yeah. So he agreed to leave. And there we go. And they gave me my money back. But at the same time, I had to think, oh my God, I spent $400,000 of my own money. What is a young girl gonna do?

Who doesn't have the funds, the resources?

What young girl wants to be in Hollywood? get off the bus. She's trying to do it. She gets molested. She gets raped by her agent nonetheless. What's she gonna do?

Not much.

Nothing. Yeah. And I said, damn it. This has gotta stop. I'm not having. This is a thing where we have to, as men, it's our job. And this is how it. This is. I understand my boundaries, Louis. I'm not here to talk about the white man. I'm not. I'm not here to be like, what about this guy? I'm talking about me. Listen, black men need to hold other black men accountable. Men need to hold other men accountable. Americans need to hold other Americans accountable. See, you see how that boundary keeps working? It might grow, it might get, people were like, well, what about, I, because I talk about my community and they'll say, they'll say, well, what about Catholics? I'm not Catholic.

Right.

I got nothing to say about that. But Catholics need to hold other Catholics accountable. You understand? I mean, what's happened is it's the people you're next to. It's your community. You know what I mean? Hey, man, if you live in Greenwich, Connecticut, you have to hold other Greenwich, Connecticut citizens accountable. It does. Listen. And now this is what they, what about toxic femininity? And I heard that all the time. And I'm like, Hey man, I'll leave that so some woman can have her own conference on that. But I can't speak for them.

I'm curious about, you know, just the way you, what do you think about forgiveness? Through toxic masculinity, when someone has done something to you that you feel is wrong and is wrong, illegal, or whether it's illegal or not illegal, you feel is wrong. Just in the way your wife forgave you because you took certain, you took accountability, you took certain actions. Maybe or maybe not, she wouldn't have forgiven you, but she did and you're here now together. What's your view on forgiving toxic men or toxic actions that men have taken in the past but are working to improve? And I don't know anything about the agent and what he's doing right now, but How do you, in your own heart, feel about forgiveness when people have done something wrong to you?

First of all, forgiveness is a requirement. I remember when Donald Sterling did all his thing, I went on a press tour. I was doing a press tour for Blended and the whole Donald Sterling thing was going on. And I said, we need to forgive Donald Sterling. You can look it up on YouTube right now. And Black people were like, hell no, blah blah blah. But I said, listen, listen. The big, big thing about forgiveness is that it's not for him or them. It's for you. It's for you. Now, forgiveness and accountability go hand in hand. See, what people think is forgiveness means now I'm free. No, it doesn't. In fact, holding you accountable is a part of forgiveness. I forgive you, I let you go, I'm filing this lawsuit. You understand what I mean? That's as far as forgiveness goes. I forgive you, meaning, meaning. Hey man, you know what? I'm not gonna let anything you do affect me in a negative way. You understand what I mean? In fact, I'm gonna let it propel me to do more courageous acts to help other people. and I had to forgive my father, man. My father, my youngest memory is my father hitting my mother in the face and knocking her out. Okay? I had to forgive him. But the thing is, forgiveness is great, but he expected, okay, so now everything's good. I'm like, no, no, you can't come in my house and ruin my house. I mean, I actually forgave him and then blocked his number. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? Sure. See, but that's where we're getting it mixed up. Because what happens is when a smooth, toxic guy knows how to manipulate that. Come on, baby, you forgave me, right? Let me back in. It's like, ah, you've already crossed that line. Now forgiveness is like, you know what? I forgive you. Go your way. Goodbye. That's the best kind of forgiveness ever, man. Yeah.

Unless maybe, you know, would you ever bring someone back in your life if they showed accountability for a while and you felt like it was sincere and true? I've already- Again, just like what your wife has done, where you took the actions, you were sincere, you were- Let.

Me, I have to say this, it's wild because I have a really good friend who I can say betrayed me. And he literally worked his way back. And now we're back again. Really? I'm telling you, it's so amazing. My wife will tell you. We went through the whole thing, straight betrayal. And I was like, what? And he was really, really apologetic, really sorry, and he was really accountable. And let me tell you, now he's right back. In fact, because of this, because of what we went through, you trust him even more. Right! Right! you! see what I mean? We're closer than ever. And we talk about this stuff. And before it was an image and things he was covering, and now there's nothing there. Now we're closer. We're actually intimate. You know what I mean? And let me tell you, my wife and I, way closer than we were before. And when I mean, man, I can look in her eyes, she looks at mine, and we go, oh, listen, I would say if there's a way to not go through what we went through, That's the best way. Do it. You know what I mean? Do it. I would never, ever recommend that. 'Cause let me tell you, it was hell. It was hell to come back. I mean, there were times I would come home and she'd be in the kitchen just crying, just standing there. And I knew, you know, there's nothing worse than knowing you did that. and I didn't even. I wouldn't even have to ask. I would just come over, give her a hug. If she wanted one, I would say, can I hug you? We just hug. And it's about empathy, man. And this is, again, with this apology thing, you know, people feel like, well, I said it once, and I'll have to apologize again. But you. You. That's saying you'll never be wrong. Yeah, you always have to be open, and forgiveness is necessary. Forgive, forgive, forgive. I have to forgive in the morning, and you forgive at night.

How did you learn to forgive yourself for 20 plus years or 30 years or whatever it is of doing things that you felt like you betrayed yourself for and other people?

That came from doing a lot of reading of Brené Brown and her I mean, her dealings with Shane.

She's amazing.

Dude, it literally told me, wait a minute, man. You are not evil. You see what I mean? Because that's the way you forgive yourself. Yeah, because you can't forgive yourself as long as you think you're evil. You know what I mean? You can't. It's impossible. I am an evil person. There's no forgiveness. But when you realize, no, I did something wrong. I did bad things. I don't do them anymore. Now you can forgive yourself. Now you can start to, I don't do that anymore. I don't watch porn anymore. I don't do these things anymore. In fact, I'm working against these things. In fact, I am correcting these things. In fact, because of my vulnerability and because of my transparency, My God, it's like I'm having a therapy session right now as we talk. And it reminds me, it was like, Terry, hey man, you're making right moves now. You know what I mean? You're doing the right thing now. And it's so funny because you can relate it to almost like food. You know, people eat emotionally. You know what I mean? You eat when you feel bad. Yeah. You know, you might not be hungry, you might not be there, but you go, oh, and then all of a sudden, you know, the bigger you get, the worse you feel. And you just say, this is who I am. And then all of a sudden, you are in an unhealthy state and you just decide, this is me, this is the way I am. And it's like, no, it's not. No, it's not. Because there is an ideal weight. You know what I mean? I have never fat shamed or anything. I don't believe in it. But everyone should have an ideal weight. There's an ideal weight for you that's healthy. And if you don't know it, you probably have a problem. You know what I mean? And that's the way I'm gauging my thing, you know? And I look at this thing as, hey, man, when you look at your own life, and it's constant introspection, constant correction, constant like, do it right, do it right. Wait a minute, why do you feel this way? I've been so mindful lately because there are times when I'm sitting around and I'm like, why am I irritated? Why am I irritated by something? And then I realized there was something I said or something I felt. Before I go into any interview, I have to check my own heart. There's times I might be mad at my wife and I take it out on somebody in the interview. You know what I mean? And you go, Whoa, why did I say... Man, dude, you have no idea how deep you go. That's the deal. People are like, Ah, no, I don't know. Listen, and this is another thing I know, the knowledge that I am capable of unspeakable evil means I can counteract it. But when you just think, no, man, I would never do something like that. Don't ever say anything like that. I would never, because the whole country of Germany thought we would never do that. Hey, man, there was a time when, when I was a kid, we were riding the back of flatbed trucks. on the freeway at 70 miles an hour and wave at the cops and the cops wave back. Hey, hey. Until kids started dying on the freeway. But maybe we should buckle up. There was a time when everybody just accepted, like, you can drive the back of a flatbed truck on the freeway.

Right, right, right.

You can do that. But you can't do that. Yeah. And those things just, we think we know But I think we're just right now on the cusp of realizing who we are. I mean, look at any 80s comedy. You're like, it's cringe-worthy, dude. It hurts. You laughed back in the day. I laughed. It was funny back then. We were all like, ha ha ha. And you laugh, you look at it now like, oh my God. Yeah.

Can't believe I laughed at that. Yeah.

I want to respect your time, because.

I know you got to leave. I know. I want to talk. I love your stories, and I have like so many questions that I haven't even gotten.

I know, I'm just letting them go. Next year, we're gonna come back.

Yeah, we got more to do. I want to ask you a few final questions, and I'm gonna ask you to keep them brief so I can respect your time.

You're good. I will listen to you for hours.

I know, I know.

I wish this was two hours.

Damn it, you got another interview. Believe me, I know, I know.

One question is, what is it about your wife you're most grateful for? Oh, we gotta be, oof, gotta be.

Brief with this one. You could go on for an hour on this.

Yeah. You know what? I guess the thing I'm most grateful for is her friendship. It's her friendship. Even if we would have been divorced, she still would have been my friend. Like she still cared. She's still, there's nothing like having a person on earth that wants to see you win. every way. That's amazing. Like, come here, come here, Terry, come here, come here. Let me get that out your eye. Let me get it out of your eye.

Okay?

Uh-huh, uh-huh. You look great. Checking your jacket. Yeah, you see what I mean? You see? She's like, no, straight in the back. This is why you don't have eyes in the back of your head, 'cause you need somebody to watch you and to check you and to make sure you're right, man. She's my friend, dude. Like, that is, The ultimate.

That's cool. That's cool. This is a question I ask everyone at the end. It's called the three truths. You've got a lot of truth. And imagine it's your last day on earth many years from now. You get to pick the day, you get to pick the year, but at.

One point you gotta go.

Let's just say hypothetical.

Okay?

And you've done everything you want to do. You've achieved every dream. You've had the most incredible marriage. Great kids, everything you want to accomplish, it's happened. The impact you want to make in the world, it's happened. The man you want to become, you've become it.

Whoo, that's a great day.

It's happening. But for whatever reason, all your work and your interviews and your content and your movies, you got to take them all with you. So no one has access to them anymore. They just have memories of you. And you get to leave, you get a piece of paper and a pen to write down three things you know to be true about all your experiences in life, all your lessons, the challenges, the love. And this is what the world would remember you by, these three truths. What would you say are your three lessons or three truths?

Number one is accountability. I would like to know that I taught, I gave people an example. of what being accountable looks like. That's a value that is extremely important to me. The other truth is love. I mean, love, I say this before, and I'll say it again, it's impossible to love someone and control them at the same time. Most of these bad things we're talking about are attempts for people in power to control other people. So that's where every abuse occurs because you're trying to control what people think. I was trying to control my wife by not telling her the truth. But love gives you all the options and then you get to pick. And if my wife loves me. Like if I kept her in a cage in the basement, you know, that's control. That's not love. Right. But when she can come and go freely and she comes home because she wants to be with me, that's love. Let's see. And the third thing, I would say creativity. Creativity. You can do it all. My thing is, I never saw, once I cracked that egg on the inside of me, like the image and who I was became one person, I could do anything. Wow. There was no rules. Go, host, act, create a furniture line, paint, do whatever. There's no rules. There's nobody to tell you, hey man, that's not what a man does. No, no, no. Creativity works like do whatever you want, whatever your vision sees. In fact, as far as you can take it. You know what I mean? Pablo Picasso said, whatever you can imagine is real. That kind of creativity, man. That's to me, those three things, man, they can say, man, Terry did that. That's what I want. When you see all the stuff that he went for and he tried, this kid from Flint, Michigan, man. I never, never was supposed to get this. People are still shocked that I'm here. I shocked myself. But it's through creativity.

Yeah, man, those are powerful truths. Before I ask the final question, I want to acknowledge you, Terry, for your incredible heart. You know, I think a lot of people see you as this big, strong guy, and you're probably the most attractive man I've met, but you're physically still.

You're still. Exactly.

Your physical strength is, This is impressive, but your heart strength is really what's inspiring to me and I think to so many people that you're willing to continue to use your platform for a place of service and impact. I think that's, for me, a true measure of a man is someone who's in service. And I honor and recognize that in you and acknowledge you for all you do to be accountable for yourself. You know, I know we've talked before, I've made tons of mistakes in my life and I'm not perfect and I'm Constantly owning up to that accountability personally. And for you to lead the way, it's really inspiring for me and so many men and women in the world. So I acknowledge you, my man. I hope we get to do more interviews in the future.

No.

Dive in because we didn't even talk.

About your art, your creativity. Yeah, I got a whole... I got a whole deal on that.

There's one of the best artists I've ever met. But right now, you can get the book Manhood. Make sure you guys go pick this up. Get it for your get it for a man in your life and for women, if you're living with a man, how to understand men better. This is a great book. Check this out. You're on Brookman99. Is it out right now? You're filming right now and it's out.

Filming now. And it's out. And I'm hosting America's Got Talent.

America's Got Talent is huge, man. Congrats on that. I've been watching your stories and everything.

It looks so inspiring. It is. It's so great, man.

I was made for that show, dude. You are the perfect host. You were freaking like, It's unbelievable. What else, how else can we support you right now? We can follow you on Instagram.

Yes, just @TerryCruiz, Instagram @TerryCruiz on Twitter, Facebook, you know, TerryCruiz. So, and you know, I'm just always doing stuff. Oh, I have a children's book coming out that I illustrated. Yes. Is it coming out? It's literally coming out next month. We are getting the whole thing together. It's self-published. It's called Come Find Me. And it's an augmented reality book where It's a first time reader. It's in Portuguese, English and Spanish. And you open it up, you have an app, you can put the phone or your iPad on the pictures and the characters pop right out of the book. We are going all out.

Come find me.

Where can we come find me? We pre-ordered that on Amazon. Comefindmebook.com, okay. And it's, we have it, it's literally coming out next month. We're lining it all up, man. It's my first children's book. Let me tell you, this is the thing. What broke my heart more than anything was when Bill Cosby went down. I grew up on Little Bill, Fat Albert, the whole thing. And I said, man, now that wiped out the whole legacy. I knew something had to replace that. And I created this book. And it's two characters, Marcus and Anthony, two little young African-American boys. who are based on real people. I co-wrote it with my friend Ken Harvey, who was a pro football player. And his kids are all grown. They have master's degrees, the whole thing. And they're wonderful kids, but they're based on them as they were little kids.

That's cool, man. Come find me. We'll link it up. We'll promote it out. 30 seconds or less. Final question. What's your definition of greatness?

My definition of greatness. is vulnerability. Because vulnerability, you have no courage without vulnerability. And there's no way you can be great until you can hear it and be vulnerable. So that that's my definition. Very cool.

You're a legend, man. Appreciate you, brother. Love you, man.

Thank you, brother. Yeah, you guys are amazing.

If you're looking for more greatness in your life, make sure to check out this video right here. And also check out our The free PDF, the Three Secrets to Unlock the Power of youf Mind to Help youp Change youe Life. Download it right here.

You know, people feel like they gotta be the best of they gotta be number one, but there's so much room out here for so many.