The 5 RED FLAGS In A Relationship That Are SURPRISINGLY TOXIC | Stephan Speaks & Lewis Howes

Men, let's say when he's younger thinks he falls in love, gives his heart to a girl she crushes it. I don't care anymore, I'm going to do whatever I want. If he meets an amazing woman there's a greater chance of him being willing to embrace that she's an amazing woman and give it another chance.

Why?

Because a lot of women have a struggle of feeling like they truly deserve this man or that they are truly good enough for this man, all right. They may not all verbalize it but behind closed doors that is a struggle for a lot of women. Also, it's the situation where again, if you view men as they're going to hurt you, the guy B who's not good for you is showing you they're not good from the jump. So, you know what's coming, all right. It's easier to deal with that than the perfect guy. And I say perfect in the sense of he's just an amazing guy. Then that guy we have the connection with Where it's almost like you're waiting for the pin to drop and it still hasn't come yet. What the hell is going on here?

It's too good to be true, right?

Yeah, and you're waiting to get hit. There was literally an episode on divorce court one time where this woman she leaves this man, they ask the woman why did you leave this man? What was the situation? She said he was perfect, he cooked, he cleaned, he was my best friend, he was an amazing partner. They said, so, why did you leave him? Verbatim, this is what she said. I was just waiting for him to turn around and hit me. Now, everyone in the audience and even the judge didn't understand what was going on there. Oh, you're just ridiculous, you're a horrible woman. No, what she's saying is she is so conditioned to men being dysfunctional, hurtful, lying, cheating, whatever, that she could not believe that this man was this good. And so, now the fear of something has to happen drives you crazy.

Good goodness.

And so, so now what will happen.

Is... Is this a non-healed woman?

Absolutely. So, you will either run or you will try to sabotage because you've got to make something bad stick out. You've got to validate your fear.

Because you may not like it but that's normal.

Yes.

It becomes normal for you and whatever is not normal is unfamiliar and scary.

Yes.

Even if it's good for you.

Yes.

Even if it's peaceful and loving. you've never had it it's unfamiliar so you're like what's wrong?

Exactly, and where in the hell is something wrong going to happen? Something wrong has to happen that's what I've been trained to believe. So, now I can't take this insanity of waiting. Oh, my gosh that's what happens to a lot of people. A lot of people and I'm telling you that's why and let me give you another angle.

Give it to me.

So, I've had a lot of clients women clients who have used the term I felt like I was losing myself when dealing with a man that they had a connection with, all right.

They really?

Yes, so, here's the problem. If that woman has been hurt, all right. In all these situations she has been hurt she has experienced some level of damage and trauma. She now becomes guarded, all right. That guardedness is her shield it is her protection in her eyes, all right. But it also allows her to not be fully vulnerable, okay. So, now she's operating under this shell behind these walls. The man she has a connection with forces you to come out of that. So, now you feel like you're losing yourself but you're not losing yourself you're losing who you've conditioned yourself to believe you are out of the need for protection. Even though it wasn't really protecting you it was hurting you even more the whole time.

All right, so now... You're losing that ego part of yourself, the masks, the guards.

And the safety of the garden, the safety of the walls. You're not allowed to have those walls in a relationship that give a connection. It demands greater of you but the dysfunctional guy, the no good guy, the loser does not demand that of you. So, you can continue to operate behind your walls giving three quarters half of your heart All right, and validate it because you're with a guy who's beneath you, so to speak. Who you're not really in love with.

And you're more in control of the situation.

You have emotional control with this guy. You feel like your emotions are all over the damn place with the other guy. And you can't deal with that it's nerve wracking.

Why is it so hard for women to deal with that, to deal with the full expression of their emotions vulnerability?

Because I believe it's because women as they grow up they're much more emotionally giving of themselves. So, because of that even when they get into relationships that first relationship where she fell in love or thought she was in love, she really gave herself. See, as men we don't always fully give ourselves. That situation where we do that is a lot more rare. We have to feel like this is the one, all right. Whereas a woman if she feel like I can be with this guy I want to be with this guy she gives of herself. Since this tends to happen typically at a young age, high school, early college, at a time where men at that age are boys and don't know how to handle a woman's love, emotions, and the commitment that's required in that relationship. It is more than likely he's going to hurt her. Whether it's completely his fault, whether it's also her doing some things because it's not only the man that does wrong, it's the woman too. But the point is they're both young, they both have not learned how to be mature and master their emotions. And so, she's going to typically get hurt. And now from that point she says I will never let that happen to me again, the wall comes up. Now, she's guarded, now she's trying to manage her vulnerability. When she was younger she wasn't fully managing it. If anything, when women are younger it's other people trying to pull them back. Don't be so into it, you can't be all into the guy, relax. It's true. She wants to just get hurt.

That's like he don't care.

Exactly. Yeah, act like you don't care all this game playing. But once she gets older nah, now it's okay, I'm not going that far. Wow. But the problem is that works well with the no good guy that shoots you in the foot with the guy you have a connection with or that's the really good guy for you. And so, it's a horrible negative cycle but again, lack of healing. And listen, the same thing can happen to a man but here's the difference. Men, let's say when he's younger, thinks he falls in love, gives his heart to a girl, she crushes it. And he can't go on a vengeful F these women, F life, I don't care anymore, I'm going to do whatever I want, right. But then if he meets an amazing woman, there's a greater chance of him being willing to embrace that she's an amazing woman and give it another chance.

Why?

Because he has not been conditioned to believe that all women are horrible.

Why are women conditioned this way?

They'Re getting stories from their mothers, their aunts, their sisters, their friends, society, TV all saying men bad, men bad, men bad, men do wrong. The only place they can see a story of love is Disney and not even Disney anymore maybe, I don't know. But that fairy tale doesn't exist, all right. Men are not... It's not pushed as much on men. Are there some men who have been pushed to the edge of believing all women are bad? Yes. and those men act horribly and those men will reject that amazing woman when she comes his way. But a lot of men still have hope. A lot of women they don't have hope, they're just trying to work with it, all right. So, that's what makes it a huge difference. So, when the good amazing woman comes his way he has a reason to think maybe this could really be it. When the good amazing man comes her way it's Nah, this can't be real because that doesn't exist. Men like this don't exist how could this be happening right now?

And if you convince yourself that enough you'll find something wrong with the person whether they did something wrong or not.

Exactly, you will create listen, I hate to say this but this is truth. Some women and I say some will create false narratives. They will create stories that don't actually exist. because they need something. And this even happens when it comes to dating. I have a video about you will always be the bad guy. And what I tell men is that if you don't... There are a lot of women out there that if you don't give them what they wanted ultimately, whatever it was, they're going to at some point view you as the bad guy. What does that usually be?

If you didn't give me a ring, if you didn't do this for me.

If you didn't do that for me. Yes, so let's say for example, you met a woman, she deep inside wanted a real committed relationship and you never gave that to her. And let's just say you weren't even lying to her. You were telling her I really don't really want a relationship, but she was going along with it hoping she would get that. She doesn't get that to her now, she can't view you in a positive light. Because in order for her to break free from this and suppress her emotions, she has to view you as the bad guy. She has to create a negative narrative about you. That's the only way to make it easier for her. Now, again, I stress this isn't all women. But this happens with a lot of women. And so now what happens is that...

Is this why every... I was like maybe all but like one of my past relationships made me out to be a bad person when I didn't give them what they wanted.

Absolutely.

And said, even if I didn't do anything bad or wrong or a lack of integrity, if it just didn't work out, then it was like, okay, they never wanted to speak to me again. I was the worst person in the world. They couldn't be my friend. They talked bad about me, whatever. I was like, just because I didn't give you what you want we want different things.

Yes.

But now I'm this horrible human being. Yes.

Because if they believe in good Lewis that makes it a struggle for them to accept not being with Lewis. That makes it a struggle for them to accept how the situation didn't go the way they wanted. They have to project something negative onto you.

Because if I at the end of the day the relationship didn't work out what is it what are they saying to themselves that I wasn't good enough for him or Something has to be wrong with him so that I feel.

Like I'm good to go. So, there's a part of them. So, I was just, I wasn't watching the movie. The movie was on TV and there was a scene that popped up where this girl said this guy just broke up with her, right? And all the girls on the table was like, oh, he's just afraid of his emotions, he's this, he's that. Then this one person at the table who was actually a guy disguised as a woman said, are y'all blind? He just wants his space, he doesn't want to be with you. They all got silent and looked at him and he said oh, no, it's his emotions. Like, he had to change the narrative. So, what it shows you is that there's a part of that woman who does think damn, is it me? Am I not good enough? What's wrong with me? In order to fight that she has to now come with the other side. No, it's him, he has the issues, he's wrong, that's the way to fight that. Now, in my opinion, we have to learn and I would encourage people listen, it cannot be about you and they're not a bad guy. You see what I'm saying like it doesn't have to be either or. We can understand that we just weren't the right match. We weren't the right fit. That's all it is to it. It doesn't mean you're not good enough as a woman, you can be an amazing great woman.

But we weren't the right match.

Exactly. We didn't have a connection. Exactly, she wasn't for you, you weren't for her that's it. If we can learn to accept that we don't have to hold on to any negative narrative about the person. But guess what again, And I would, I have to say there are men who do this too.

Sure, of course.

It's the same way like when a man, some man will try to approach the woman she rejects him immediately or you be, you this, you that, you know, he goes off on her because now I have to make you into a bad person because you didn't give me what I wanted. Yeah. Because it makes it easier for me to accept the outcome of this.

What should be the key things people are looking for and any partner to thrive and maintain a relationship long term in today's society.

The first thing that came to mind is connection, all right. I am a firm believer that you can't have an amazing relationship at least long term without connection. A lot of people get by on that initial hype, all right. That initial excitement, oh, they're so wonderful, their resume is so great, blah, blah, blah. Okay, that's cool. but that's not going to sustain you. Is there something deeper there? Can you two truly be each other, be yourselves with each other? Open up, share your inner thoughts, you know, be emotionally naked with this person. If you can and you still enjoy their presence, enjoy speaking to them, you feel good when they're around you, okay, we got something we can work with here. Even if everything's not in perfect alignment, we have the foundation to now grow the relationship. But without that, it's just fluff.

Is connection something that's created or is it just, does it only happen between certain people?

It only happens between certain people.

Really?

It's either there or it's not.

You can't- and- you- should know it in the first few minutes or is it maybe it takes- I won't say.

You'Ll know it in the first few minutes. I think it can vary. I think it depends on how spiritually in tune you are. or how emotionally grounded you are. If you're in a very emotionally healthy place, I do think you're going to recognize it very quickly, all right. But a lot of times you pick up on it but you're scared to embrace it. You're still rationalizing what's going on here and we've been programmed to believe it all takes time. So, when we see this experience where two people are it's like this they click and they're feeling these intense feelings right away Everyone else is saying slow down, this can't be real or you know, you're jumping the gun. In reality, no. Because in most situations let's just say if not in a few minutes the first date people know. People know like there's potential here or there's not or this one could be the one or they're not. But we rationalize why we should entertain this and move further, give it a chance, waste our time and then we find ourselves stuck in situations we don't belong in. And now we try to make it work because we've invested so much and we don't want to now admit that we were wrong or we wasted our time, we're lonely. Various reasons cause us to hang on to situations we don't belong in. But we knew from the beginning. Like when I speak to people who are divorced and I ask them.

When did you know?

When did you know yet?

A lot of people like my wedding day or like what it's like when I was walking down the aisle. You're like why did you get married?

Exactly.

I hate when people answer that way I'm like why When did you get married?

And even way before then, forget the marriage day might have been when reality truly hit, but they allowed themselves to see it. But then at that point, what are you gonna do?

Yeah, you gotta fall through. Your family's there and you don't wanna be embarrassed.

Exactly, but again, the reality is that person saw it way before. But again, they rationalized past it then and now they found themselves in this more difficult position and they can't do anything about it.

And then they get a divorce a year or two later. They try to make it work.

25 years later, I know, listen, I know one couple. who were married for 25 years after they got divorced everyone was against it because on the outside looking in they looked at this great couple, all right. But they were miserable, all right, behind closed doors. Well, the wife let me read a letter that the husband wrote her before they got married. I read this letter and the first thing I say is why did you ever get married? It was clear as day in this letter that you guys should not have taken that step.

What did it say generally?

It was just in general calling out all these different issues and problems it was a clear disconnect between the two. And once I started to learn the real story you saw that they did not have that deep connection. They were two people who did not fit together and what they lacked was the other thing I was going to bring up as far as what people need is balance, all right. I think too many times we're fixated on equality and not enough on balance.

The difference.

The difference is this equality is almost like all right, LeBron and Dwyane Wade joined together. They both are alpha males of their team, they're both superstars, they both can shoot. There's some level of equality there. But you know what, they could not win a championship until one decided who's going to be the main person here. It wasn't about equality it was about balance, it was about complimenting each other. learning how to work together, D-Wade or the rest of the team being able to do the things that LeBron can't do everything on his team. He needs the right players around him. So, it's the same thing in relationships it's not about they have to be able to do everything we do we got to be able to do everything they do. It's about can we compliment each other? Can we balance each other? Can I fit in or can I have the strengths where you have the weaknesses, all right. And in a way that doesn't conflict and I believe The conflict part is when you don't have a connection they will conflict. When there is a connection that's when you're going to find balance. Because now when there's a connection we embrace our differences.

You communicate better you can say this is what you're really good at why don't you do more of these things and let me do these things.

Exactly and we can find a way to make it a whole unit. Wow, that's how we create amazing relationships. Balance to me is the greatest balance and connection You have those two things, you win.

Wow.

You know, and if you look at most failed relationships, they lack those two things.

Two things. Connection and balance. There might be some forced connection or they've lost the connection because it wasn't really a...

They never had the connection.

It was never true. It was like the hype of the connection.

Exactly.

Hold on. The sexual connection or the resume of this person or the idea of this person.

Well, it was more so chemistry. Chemistry is not connection. All right, chemistry can be created, all right. And again, so using the whole basketball analogy, a team comes together you can build chemistry, we can learn how to work together, we can learn how to coexist so to speak. But that doesn't mean we really like each other at its core, all right. There's the difference. So, you can have a team where the players learn to play together but they still hate each other, all right.

So, they had chemistry.

But no connection.

But not connection.

Exactly. When you have a connection in a relationship that is way more important than chemistry because the connection will bring the chemistry. We don't got to worry about the chemistry part. When two people have a connection they learn.

It's like that.

Exactly, and it's a rare thing. Again, we don't experience that with everybody. It's something that happens... It's rare to find someone who can say they've had that deep genuine connection more than two times in their life. If even twice. All right, it's usually once, to be honest with you. But I'm going to give it two times and yes, there are going to be some people out there that say well, there's billions of people in this world why could... It's not about yes, is it technically possible? Maybe so, but you're not going to come across billions of people in the world. You're only going to come across a certain amount of individuals and in that group of people yes, you're only going to find that connection maybe once or twice and once you get there like once when somebody sets the bar that high in your life, it is very hard.

Yeah, you have to refine that.

Exactly. You're not gonna feel comfortable anymore going beneath that. If you do, you're gonna find yourself not at peace and very miserable in your relationship.

Your fear is, are you able to grow together after 10-15 years? Is that one of the main things is this.

So, it's you know, it's hard to you know, you never can look that far ahead you know, and we don't know what's in store.

May not be here tomorrow.

Exactly, it's a concern of can we still give that same energy? And it's both sides because again, I'm not saying I'm not perfect. So, even though I'm confident that I could do it what if there's something that throws me off? You know, it's just that yes, as time goes on there's that test of really putting your best foot and bringing that same energy that you brought in the beginning. Now, again, I think I'm holding myself to a higher standard that I think most people do because I think that a lot of people's mentality is well, things change, things are going to be different, it's okay. So, what you don't go out as much anymore. People think like this but they don't realize that's why your relationship is deteriorating. I don't want a deteriorated relationship. So, when I think about yes, can I be with someone past 10, 15 years? If I accept a level of mediocrity, of course.

But we don't want that.

Exactly, I'm saying can we maintain excellence after these 10-15 years? Fulfillment, exactly. Peace, happiness, all these things because to me what is the point of being here if we don't have it, if we're not operating at our highest level?

What about the saying that I hear whether this is a meme or this is women saying this online Maybe you know the line better than me. If he can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best.

I hate that line. I absolutely hate it. And I hate it because it has turned into validation for not addressing your flaws and issues, all right. I agree with it from the standpoint of You've got to be able to handle your partner's worst moments, all right. Because we're going to all have moments, we're going to all fall, we're all going to make a mistake, it's going to happen. Over time, that's just the way it is. But when you are essentially trying to say I have a horrible flaw and you should accept it even when I want to consistently make you deal with it. No, that's not going to work for me. I can't accept that. that's not okay. And so, a lot of people that's.

What they're turning it into. That's you not taking accountability and responsibility for growth. Exactly. Going back to okay, this is where I'm at I don't want to address it you just have to accept it.

And or don't be with me. Exactly, you know it reminds me of like once upon a... I don't know if they still say it but I know at one time people would say arguing is healthy for a relationship, all right. I disagree.

I don't know if I agree I understand that Yeah, I just don't like that.

No, at all.

Can you communicate with... We don't agree on this, but do you have to argue?

Exactly, that's my thing. Disagreement is acceptable disrespect is not, all right.

So, say it one more time.

Disagreement is acceptable disrespect is not. That's good, all right. So, my thing is yes, it's okay and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives we can bounce ideas off each other, we simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments. But arguing, arguing says we are being disrespectful, whether our tone is negative, the words that we're using you know, we're getting loud, we're getting angry, we're basically throwing negative energy at our partner. That's not healthy, there's nothing healthy about that. But A lot of people will say that because they want to validate the unhealthiness in their relationship. They don't want to face the issue of I need to learn how to talk to my partner better. I don't want to have to fix my tone. Why do I have to watch what I say? Because that's what an adult does. Wow, all right grow up, you know. Like, I'm sorry to anyone listening to this but that's just real. We can't just think it's okay especially with our partners to speak however we want to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay. Because what people are not realizing is all it takes is that one really bad argument to plant a seed of negativity that now grows into something worse in the relationship. A lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment. It's the culmination of all kinds of things before then. It's the buildup from that last time you disrespected me or made me feel some kind of way and ever since then I've resented you. And now in this resentment, I've given you an attitude. You didn't know what the attitude was about because I didn't communicate clearly. Now, you're giving me attitude and now you see how it turns into other things. Now, that attitude turns into not having sex with each other. That attitude turns into okay, the way that we talk to each other in general. Maybe becoming secretive because now we don't feel like dealing with each other anymore. and what you don't realize is it started from disrespectful arguing, all right. It can also start from some other stuff, all right. But arguing is a huge problem for a lot of people and we can't just keep sweeping under the rug. So, going back to your point about the whole take me at my worst, yes, worst moment. I can have a moment.

I'm always like this and once in a while a good attitude.

Exactly, consistent negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected.

So arguments are disrespect, but disagreements is okay, is that what you said?

Yes, the disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not.

Yes, so you can always disagree and you can agree to disagree.

Yeah.

Or you can, is that right? Agree to disagree.

Yeah, agree to disagree.

But what I'm hearing you say is that arguing, saying what's on your mind.

In an angry, Exactly.

Aggressive way, tearing down a partner is never going to do anything good for someone.

Exactly, people have to understand whenever someone feels attacked they will defend themselves. Even if they know they're wrong, even if the point you're making is actually solid, the way you're coming at them negates their ability to receive it. That's why even me as a speaker, my focus has been do I want to be heard or do I want people to receive my message? All right, if I want to be hurt I can speak however I want, I can be blatant with the insults, I can cut people down, I can just make jokes of everybody's situation because it's entertainment. I just want to be hurt. But no, I want people to receive it and if I want people to receive it I have to be more considerate, more compassionate, I have to check my tone, I have to be careful with my words. And that's why if people watch my videos they see I try to be very careful with my words because I want you to receive what I'm saying. So, if we're in a relationship we have to take that approach. If you want them to hear you be mindful of how you're talking to them.

Why is it so hard for people?

Because again, they don't want to face the or they don't want to do the work of correction, all right. And the work of correction can entail the healing and again, facing those issues. It's also conditioning if people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other It's very hard to change that, yeah. It's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way. It's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen, all right. So, now they have to reprogram themselves and that's a lot of work. And I think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong. People don't like to face that they were wrong. They don't want to have to accept that so, it's no, I have to dig an even deeper hole and stick with this whole negative approach of how I do things because no, there's nothing wrong with this or I see other people do it, you know they're fine, no, they're not fine. They're not okay, you know. So, I think those reasons that just overall they don't want to have to do the work and so, they rather make excuses for it.

So, it sounds like again, we go back to step one healing. If you can learn to heal You can start to improve the quality of your choices, dating someone in a relationship or getting out quicker. You can be a more effective communicator in relationships, whether you're dating or in a long-term committed relationship. You can have a better relationship overall with yourself when you heal and with someone else. So can you give me a breakdown, a bootcamp 101 on how to recognize what you need to heal and then how to start healing that. What does that look like for someone? Okay, I need to heal, Siphon. What do you mean by that? How do I do it? How do I get started? How long does it take to get healed? Okay. Is this a lifelong journey?

Is this overnight? What does it look like? All right, so first thing, how long does it take to heal? It's gonna take as long as you're willing to put into work. Healing is not a time thing. It's a work thing. So, when you hear people say time heals all wounds, no, it doesn't. Time alone doesn't heal a damn thing. All right, it can help it does aid in the process but by itself it is no good. You have to take certain steps. So, when people think well, I'm going to take a year off from relationships to heal, why a year? And if you're not doing the work in that year that year means nothing. And that's what happens to a lot of people they took a year off but what they did was they hid from the world, they hid from relationships, they went in their corner, all right. They distracted themselves but they never healed. Now, they come back out of that year and they're still the same person.

Or maybe they're not the same... Maybe the first few months of dating they're a little different but then they fall back into the same.

Exactly, because they never resolve things at its core. Now, in terms of recognizing what to heal, my first step is called the who Hurt Me list, all right. So, you get a piece of paper you write down a piece of paper who hurt me. and now every person who comes to mind you write them down on the piece of paper. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened, doesn't matter if you think you've moved past it, if you think it's not relevant, if they come to mind then there's some level of relevance there. Put them on the paper and about a sentence or two of what they did to hurt you, all right. This is how we're going to start to locate what you've been holding on to. But you really got to go into this exercise very genuine. you can't be trying to control the narrative. You just gotta let yourself feel. Just ask yourself the question, close your eyes, let it come out.

What's the question I should ask?

Who hurt me? Who hurt me?

That's it. Who hurt me? That's it. And what if they're like, I can only think of like three people that really hurt me. Should they be thinking of like every instant they can think of from childhood of that one comment or should this.

Be this person punched me in the face? Anybody who comes to mind. So I don't want them to force it but I don't want them to undermind it in any kind of way either. Just whoever comes to mind put them on the paper. Because even if there's a situation where you forgot somebody, if we tackle the big one you're not going to be able to escape the big ones. The big ones are going to come out they're going to come to mind. If we can tackle those then that might set the stage where everything else gets taken care of naturally, all right. Because now your awareness is going to be there and your level of healing will allow you to things differently.

Because really the big ones might be the ones that cause the most pain and if you heal that, the other ones are just a pattern of the pain.

Exactly. And you will also start to perceive those situations differently once you heal from the bigger one.

Many years ago I was dating someone and it was like, you know, we were very connected very quickly. I felt like, wow, there's something different about this person. And after months, she started sabotaging things. Like, we would be having, like, the most incredible nights. Like, everything was going great, and then all of a sudden, she would just get mad at me over nothing, right? Which seemed like nothing. I was like, what? What did I say? Or didn't say? Like, I thought we were having fun here. And then the whole night in the next 24 hours would be ruined because she would be upset about something. But wouldn't tell me. And I was like, what is going on?

Many.

She was not the right fit for me in the long run, and we broke up eventually. But at one point, she said to me, she goes, I didn't think I'd find you. Like, I didn't think I'd find you now at this age of my life. I thought I'd find you, like, in my 30s. She was, like, in her young 20s. She's like, I thought I'd, like, have my fun in my 20s, and then the version of you, the idea of you, would come at, like, 30 or something when she was ready. And she was holding on to so much baggage and like hurt from previous relationships, but she wasn't healing from it at the time.

Exactly.

She was just kind of like sabotaging and like pushing away like the vulnerability that we were creating. We were having so much connection and vulnerability, but she was just like, I'm scared, you know?

Exactly. It's crazy. Because she lost emotional control with you and that's a scary place to be in. And so, the only thing she can do at that point is look for something to be wrong to validate walking away. Because if she can't find something wrong how can she say I can't do this I don't want to be here anymore? So, now it starts to nitpick create issues but it all stems from yes, she has not healed. And I would argue that the vast majority of people are married to someone they don't even have the deepest feelings for.

Really?

Yes.

What's the percentage? what you think in your mind?

If I had to throw out a number, I'm going to say 60%. 60% I'm just going to throw out there and it could be a lot higher.

I feel like 60% of people don't love... What did you say?

They're not married to the person they have the deepest feelings for, all right. The person they have the deepest feelings for that situation somehow went left, people run. Like in your situation, in her mind you were too good to be true. This was not real and she could not believe that she was experiencing this at this time of her life. And to be honest with you, she wouldn't have been ready at 30 either. Because at 30 she still wouldn't have healed. You would have came along and she'd been like what is going on here? And so, it's a very common thing. It happens a lot more than people think. Like, I'm willing to bet there are men who are going to hear this and they're going to say oh, my gosh, that happened to me. to me. Wow, all right. And people don't hear about it as much because now when that woman tells her story to someone else, she doesn't say oh, he was too good, I was scared, I ran away.

He did this and he had this fault and I had this red flag.

Yes.

All these challenges came up and he looked at me, I don't know something.

Exactly, because again, she has to validate her decision and she has to make herself feel more comfortable about the fact that she ran away from you. Wow. But I'm gonna tell you right now, it's gonna hit her. It's gonna hit her hard one day. And don't be surprised if one day.

I mean, I don't know if she's gonna be okay. Oh, it's already happened many times. She could happen many times.

Don't worry.

No, it's, we weren't the right fit. It was, you know, it's all good. Okay. And I wish her the best. But, yeah, she's tried to come back many times. They always, always. It's all good. Who do you think runs away more from vulnerability and a relationship that has a the potential to be great men or women?

People are going to be shocked with women hands down.

Why is that?

Okay, one, I think that because women are more emotionally in tune and they give more emotionally so become a lot more emotionally invested in situations. It's quicker for themselves to feel like they're losing themselves when they feel this amazing connection with somebody. Because again, it pulls you into an area that you're not used to being in.

They lose control.

Yes, because it's like if you're with a guy that you really like, all right, and you're really into him but he doesn't call you today, it'll bother you. But it's not going to drive you crazy like the guy who you're madly into, all right. When he doesn't call you you might be thinking oh, my gosh, what is he doing? What's happening? Am I good enough? Women will start to question and analyze everything that will drive them insane. Also, the reality is that women are hearing so much from other women or from what they've only experienced good men don't exist. There are no good men here. This is a fairy tale to believe you can meet this guy who's so great and so amazing. So, when they meet that guy it's something has to be wrong.

It's too good to be true.

Exactly, I cannot believe this is what it is.

Let me check his background record. He went to jail.

He must have secret kids somewhere. Something is going on. On the flip side, when men come across that situation they think oh my gosh, I've hit the jackpot. Like, I found a woman who separates herself from everyone else. They latch onto it. The problem though with men is we don't typically handle those situations well in regards to one, how that woman is reacting. So, if she's feeling insecure or she's feeling uneasy we get frustrated because it's almost like well, we had this amazing connection I'm doing my best to love you, why are you acting like this? So, now we may react in a way that fuels her fear. That fear, yeah. Exactly, it creates more problems. So, we do contribute to the issue but we're not quicker to run away. We're quicker to latch on and say oh my gosh, I want this, this is an opportunity I can't let pass me by. Where she's thinking this is not a real this can't be true. I'm fooling myself let me run now before I get hurt even worse later.

Before I get too deep in and then it's hard for me to get out.

Exactly.

Wow, man.

Yeah.

Who messes up relationships more? If women tend to run away more, if a man knows how to like manage the running this away, who ends up messing up relationships more men or women in your experience?

That one's hard to say. I'm going to lean towards men and only because I feel like men aren't as in tune into what we're doing wrong in the moment. So, for example, the other day I had a client came to me his fiance broke up with him, all right. And he had said that back in earlier this year they had this argument and it was over the fact that there weren't towels prepared for her when they were staying at some family's house. Now, she's saying to him in this argument you don't appreciate me, you don't make me a priority essentially. and he's saying, why are we arguing about a towel? Right. And I had to explain to him like listen, it's not about the towel, listen to her words. She said, you never appreciate me, let's explore that. So, I think that there's a disconnect a lot of times with guys not understanding what they're overlooking, what they're missing, not truly hearing what the woman is saying. Because she's not always very clear and transparent about what's going on. Which yes, is an issue. which does contribute to the problems. But I do think that men knowingly and unknowingly sometimes make a lot of mistakes that cause damage to relationships. I don't want to say to put more blame on them, but I do.

Think in general you're saying. Yeah. Before we continue this video make sure to subscribe below and turn on the notification bell right now so you don't miss out on these great videos every single day. I'm curious about sex on the first date and on the first night. We got this incredible explosion of chemistry like we've known each other for years, we were just, we, I can't believe we didn't connect sooner. Is sex on the first day of meeting something that can turn into a successful long-term relationship? Or have you just seen from your research and your experiences with the people you've coached that that's a recipe for disaster.

It can definitely turn into a long-term relationship, marriage, successful relationship. I just think that we have to be careful with that mindset. So, I remember one time, I think it was an article I wrote and somebody commented and they said, you know, I've heard of plenty guys and not to make this only about how guys perceive it but they had said, I've seen plenty guys not want to move forward for a woman who they had sex with on the first date. I've never seen a guy say I can't make her my wife because she didn't have sex with me on the first date. You see what I'm saying? So, it's like one approach is still safe. It doesn't hurt you. It doesn't hurt you to wait. You're not going to lose anything by being patient before jumping into bed. If anything, you're going to increase your chances of making sure you know what you're getting yourself into. You're confirming there is a connection there. We're on the same page so on and so forth. But if you move too fast and God forbid you're wrong that you perceive this incorrectly now you have possibly set yourself up for other issues. So, again, can it happen? Yes, especially if two people have a genuine connection I do not believe that sex on the first date will derail them. However, why not take the better more likely approach for success or to be safe, better to be safe than sorry and just wait. There's no need to rush for it.

Yeah, I like that response where you said, you've never, what was it?

You've never met a... Yeah, I won't make up my wife because she didn't have sex with me on the first date. But you've heard plenty of guys say.

I don't take her serious because she has sex with me on the first date. Yeah, man. It's interesting because when I met my girlfriend, we started talking just via messaging and then a few weeks later it turned into a FaceTime and then it was, I'll FaceTime every day for a few minutes, then it was FaceTime every day for longer hours, two hours, three hours. And then we met about a month after we started connecting. I went into the meeting of like, I'm just gonna go and be open to possibilities. Like, who knows what this person's gonna be like in person? I don't know. We've had an amazing connection on the phone where it seems like hours were minutes, that type of whole thing. You lose track of time. You can relate in certain ways with each other. and we're both inspired by one another. And then we literally meet and within minutes, we're kissing, you know, meeting the first time, we're kissing. And, but I also went into it with like, I'm not gonna try anything sexual. Like, if nothing happens, I'm okay, you know, of seeing each other for this weekend. And, you know, I just want to go and connect. And I have zero intentions of trying anything further. I went into it without that mindset. I was like, if I come home from this and we don't kiss, like, okay, It was an experiment. We're magnets to each other. We started kissing within a few minutes. I kiss her and she was kind of thrown back but liked it. It was like she didn't want to stop. And within minutes, I kid you not, within five minutes, she looks at me, she stops, she looks at me and she goes, you,'re mine forever. And I was like, you are a bold woman. I was like, I just got off a plane to see her. And she, and I go, wow, you're pretty forward. And she goes, do you want to go back in the plane? I was like, no, but I've never heard a woman say this within five minutes. Now granted, we were talking for a month on, on the phone, but I've never heard a woman say this in five minutes. And if they would, I'd usually run like crazy and think she was crazy. But she was like, I don't know. I'm sorry. I just feel like my heart, my heart says this and I feel like I just want to say it. And so, I really respected her level of courage and vulnerability and honesty as well where usually girls won't say that type of thing. And I was like, wow, this girl's got a lot of courage and she says what she feels. And it was just like, man, the chemistry was so for the connection was so strong all weekend and for the last, you know, over a year now.

Yeah.

That it made, It didn't make logical sense. It made emotional sense.

Exactly.

And I think I just kept going with it. I was like, wow, okay, let's see where this goes. We'll take it day by day, but it's just like it kept growing. And I think you should have some type of feeling of like instant connection because all the women I've dated in the past, I would say I've had instant connection with most of them, like with all of them, but it wasn't this type of connection. Like you said in the beginning, it's like this. something was different. I had maybe more like sexual attraction. Yeah. Then I was like, you know, we're not connecting and vibing in the same way that I love, but the sexual attraction was great and they got this and this. So it's like I'm justifying.

Yeah.

As opposed to this is what I want. And this is what it's like, it's not even an option. This is what my heart is telling me I need to do.

Yes.

And I think if your heart is not saying, yeah, like pulling you to something, then it's probably a sign that that may not be the right fit for you right now.

Absolutely.

Now, do men and women approach early sex differently in your opinion? Beyond the first date, beyond the one night stand type of thing, do men and women approach it differently in the first months?

Yeah, I believe so. I think it's more likely to find a man who is ready to go. You know what I'm saying? And has no issues about when the sex occurs within that first month, all right. Whereas, there are going to be a lot more women who are concerned and genuinely are not comfortable yet. You know, the problem also is that just because sex occurs doesn't mean the woman was comfortable, all right. A lot of women allow themselves to get intimate but they weren't truly at peace with making that or allowing that to happen. And so there's a lot more that goes on on her end regarding sex than it goes on on his end. And I also believe that women are much more in their head about the situation than the man is. The man is analyzing it.

They're analyzing, oh, well, if I don't do this, he's not going to like me and blah, blah, blah.

Exactly, exactly. Whereas I think the man's just excited, he's enjoying the moment, he's just getting it in. But she's thinking, yeah, is this too soon? Am I, is he going to like this? Whatever, she's just processing so much. which adds to her inability to even fully enjoy it a lot of times. But yeah, it's definitely different. We're not wired the same when it comes to sex. We're just not.

You just have to get to that stage of not using negative language. So what I'd be afraid of is actually doing the opposite, 'cause then I'd be a fake 'cause I'm always telling people, look, it's not the event, it's how you feel about it. It's not what happens, it's how you describe.