In a candid 2021 interview with Lewis Howes, Tony Robbins expands on the principles that have guided his decades‑long journey to influence millions. He begins by echoing Jim Rohn’s “success leaves clues” mantra, urging listeners to model those who have already achieved what they desire. Robbins then reflects on his own struggle with self‑love, describing a turning point around his 40th birthday when he realized that over‑delivering for others was a way to earn his own appreciation. He introduces the concept of “stacking the good,” explaining how repeatedly recalling positive memories can produce lasting biochemical benefits, contrasting this with the physiological toll of sustained anger. The conversation shifts to dealing with toxic relationships, emphasizing that unconditional love for others stems from unconditional love for oneself and that language‑driven blame culture weakens personal resilience. Robbins critiques modern social‑media‑fueled moral labeling, arguing that true pride comes from earned achievements, not from external validation or blame. He shares a harrowing childhood story of abuse, using it to illustrate that one’s biography does not dictate destiny; daily choices shape the future. Throughout, Robbins blends personal anecdotes, practical advice, and philosophical insights to outline a roadmap for rapid personal transformation and lasting fulfillment.
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Instead of learning by trial and error, which can take decades you may never learn, Jim Rohn taught me success leaves clues, man. Find someone who's got what you want, study what they do, every aspect of it, and then add yourself to it. And that's the pathway to speed of transformation.
Was there ever a moment where you didn't unconditionally love yourself? And if so, when did that shift where you stopped that and you started saying, okay, I appreciate myself because of my contribution and my service and who I am.
What was that shift? I don't think it was ever, I just didn't love myself. There were times, obviously, be angry with yourself or frustrated with yourself or thinking, you know, I'm not doing enough. I mean, I can remember my birthdays, to be honest with you, probably up till my 40th birthday, including my 40th birthday, you know, you have a birthday with a zero on it once you're over past 30, you know, 35, sometimes five years on it as well. People look at their life differently culturally, and I'm. And I used to think it was bull. But sure enough, I would do it. I remember turning 40 and I was really, really unhappy. I was like, Jesus, I've not done enough. I've not helped enough people. I know tens of millions of people at that point already had done all over the earth in 100 plus countries at that point, but it was still kind of stuck in my head. So I would earn the love by over-delivering, change somebody's life. I don't get it because somebody says, oh, I love you, Tony. I mean, I appreciate that or, oh, you're the greatest. It's got to be my standard. My standard is higher than their standard for me. So when I get up and someone's going to kill themselves and they're suicidal and boom, turn around and they're no longer not going to kill themselves, but they're transformed, their life is there, that's when I go, okay, now we've hit the center of what I'm made for. Now, I deserve to feel this euphoric feeling within myself and appreciation. And even then, I still know it's God coming through me. I don't have the delusion it's just me. But I think sometime after 40, I finally saw the stupidity of it. I accumulated enough that I looked at life with fresh eyes. And I can say by the time I turned 60 a year ago, I noticed it was interesting because my birthday, I didn't have an ounce of it. I was just like, you know, how could I at this stage of my life when I've had the privilege of serving so many humans in so many contexts, you know, from turning around, you know, guys are going to kill themselves with PTSD to helping kids turn around, to getting kids off cocaine or adults, to, you know, helping people build multi-billion dollar businesses from nothing. And when I lived this long, I can't go by without hearing half a dozen stories a day or a dozen stories a day from people telling me how something I did changed their life. So it's not that I'm so smart now, it's just I've stacked it. By the way, though, stacking is the way you can do things. Most of us stack the negative. If you are really angry, it's not usually because of just the moment. It's that it happened again. You know, it's like if you've ever lost it or overreacted to your kid or to a friend or a business or even within yourself, it's because it happened again. We hit this one, two, three, many point and then our nervous system overreacts. But what I've learned is you can stack the good. And for example, if you're, if you go into a state of really strong anger for more than five minutes, your immune system is suppressed between an hour and a half to two hours. That's a physiological fact. But no one had done any study, I started stacking good, like okay, let me stack a dozen great memories, feel them, see them, experience them. And I felt this biochemical change that didn't just last a half hour, an hour or 10 minutes, it went on for a day or two. And so I think I've learned to stack the good. So just having the experience is not enough. You got to stack the good to be able to appreciate it. But I think just come back to the main point here from my perspective, which to be completely, it's just my perspective. So I want to point that out. I think the more you find unconditional love for others, the easier it is to find in yourself. And I think the focus is serving and loving. And that's what will get you to the point where you start doing it. But if you want to speed it up, stack all the good you've done, you'll feel great about yourself.
I already know all the comments that are coming through, thousands of comments telling me, but what about my family that's toxic? What about my partner who is toxic? And how do I love someone unconditionally when they don't respect me? I can't trust what about situations like that?
All those reactions are natural human reactions from ego. Because it's all about you, me, me, me, what I'm not getting, what I'm not doing, and that's why you're in pain. And so I'm not telling you like I haven't done this, I've done it too in the past, but it's an old pattern I don't really do anymore. And it used to affect me. Now, not a dominant one, I wouldn't have become who I become. Early in my life, I developed this belief that life is calling not to give me something, life is calling for me to deliver things, for me to bring something to life. And I felt the joy that came from not getting but giving and I got hooked on that core pattern and then the pattern of learning so I'd have something to give, which I know one of the things I respect about you, Louis, is that you have that same pattern in you. You're always trying to learn more because underneath it all, you also want to give it. You want it for you but you want to share it, right? And so those patterns help me not be in what they're not giving me. And all this language, language, today people don't understand the power of their language, like toxic. What the hell are you talking about? You've been reading too much social media and thinking about yourself or somebody raised you to constantly judge everybody else. We live in a culture now where people, you know, you're evil or you're like me. That's basically how it is, right? The whole world, everybody else is immoral unless they do what you do, think what you think, experience what you think. I mean, being a liberal, I was a liberal, right? Being a liberal growing up meant, I would fight for your ability to say and believe whatever you want different than me. Today, now everybody wants everybody to think the same thing, otherwise they're evil or otherwise they could hurt me. Whatever happens sticks and stones will break your bones, words will never hurt me. We have this whole thing that words are evil, words are action, it's bull. And all it does is make you incredibly weak as a human being, and you're more than that. We all are more than that. But you know what? Like a kid that's never broken their bones, deathly afraid of breaking the bone. But if you're a kid and you're rough and tumble, you broke multiple bones and they heal, you don't have any fear of it. There's so many kids that have been raised to be safe and secure every moment. Anything that's insecure or unsafe, they don't want to be a part of, including language. And what it does is make you incredibly weak and fearful. And that's why there's so many people that are abundant, that are angry all the time. 'Cause they're angry 'cause they're not growing. So don't get me wrong, I know some people are not a good influence. I'm not denying that. I'm just saying you're more than somebody's influence unless you obsess about it every moment and make them wrong so you can make yourself feel superior morally, psychologically or spiritually. That's bullshit. Stop the pattern. We've all been it. Catch yourself. 'Cause if you want joy, happiness and freedom in an extraordinary life, it will not come from blame. Never. There's no pride that comes from blame. I don't mean fake pride where you make sh*t up to feel good. I'm talking about real pride. Pride is something you earn. Like people tell me, oh, I have no self-esteem because my parents used to say this or they'd say that. I'd say, that's such bullsh*t. I'm not saying it's bullsh*t. I didn't say that. I said, it's bullsh*t. That's why you're going to need self-esteem. Self-esteem does not come from what people say about you. Self-esteem comes from what you experience about yourself. See, someone can tell you your whole life you're a piece of crap and a part of you goes, you,'re full of it. I'm going to show you. Lots of people have done that. They never bought it. Or someone tells you, you're beautiful your whole life. You go, I'm not really beautiful. So what people tell you doesn't matter at all. It's what you stack. It's what you assemble. It's what you create. It's the habit of what you put in your head. And today I don't blame you because we've got a whole culture that's always blaming somebody else for something in their life. But blame is not a strategy for pride. That's why you listen to these blaming people. They're all angry all the time. Listen, if I wanted to blame, I grew up in an environment, I didn't even share it to my mom past, and even then I didn't share. I grew up in a pretty rough environment. My mom was a beautiful soul, but when she drank alcohol and she mixed it with prescription drugs, it was a different creature. And it was a violent creature. And I have a younger brother five years younger and a younger sister seven years younger. and my mom would get nuts, and I didn't want them to get hurt. So I was 5'1 in high school. She'd grab me by the hair and smash me against the wall till I bled. Now, I never shared this, and I'm not denigrating her in any way. I only shared it like four or five years after she died, because I was talking to a group of kids in New York City, all without fathers, 80% African-American, about 20% Hispanic out of their group, roughly, No white kids, and I'm talking about your biography is not your destiny. And it doesn't matter what you've been through, what you decide now is what's going to control your life, what you decide each day going forward is going to decide your life. And I look at them seeing me, I can read their minds. This big, tall, white, rich guy is going to tell me biography doesn't matter. So I said, you, let me tell you my story. And I told them the whole story way more than I'm telling you. And every one of them was crying their eyes out when they were done. I said, Look where I am right now. Because I wouldn't assemble the story that my past equals my future. The past only equals your future if you live there. If you're using a rear view mirror to guide yourself, you're gonna crash. So what you've been through is horrific. What you've been through is unjust. I'm on your side. But if you hang on to it, you have no future and you have no one to blame but yourself. And these kids, to their credit, man, they just responded to the challenge 'cause they first cried their eyes out hearing all the stories. My mom would think I was lying and I wasn't lying. She poured liquid soap down my throat till I threw up. And I wasn't lying. So it's not the physical abuse, it's the fact that this is the person you love most that's trying to hurt you, that messes with your head. So I could have been messed up for life, but I didn't.
