The 8 Ways To END SELF-SABOTAGING Habits TODAY | Dr. Nicole LePera & Lewis Howes

And I think sometimes we're just seeking that familiar, even if it's not logically the partner that we necessarily want to be building the life with.

So if that thing happens in your environment, your subconscious offers you that the reason that that thing happened is because you're a loser, right? Which it probably still will do. You can still show up consciously say, oh, thank you subconscious, thank you for reminding me of that, but I'm not.

Gonna, that's not how I am, that's not who I am. Most of us have started to not trust ourselves and not trust our words. We don't keep our word to ourselves because change is hard. To rebuild trust, we have to show ourselves that we're keeping those promises and we can't expect our subconscious to get on board.

Our habits can either set us up for success or they can sabotage our lives. And in this video, psychologist Dr. Nicole Lapera shows us how to take control of our habits to improve our life.

Change begins When you practice being conscious, practice showing up, practice observing yourself, practice.

Observing all of the patterns.

Not just when it's calm, but when it's chaotic. I actually don't suggest you begin to practice when it's chaotic. Practice when it's calm.

Got you. So that you can practice when it's chaotic. So give me an example, like when it's calm, how would you be responding in a certain way of love or.

Peace as opposed to hysteria?

Yeah.

What would that be like?

I reframed that because I think it's really important. If you're not being triggered, then how do you practice?

Exactly, and a lot of us wait because, oh, I only have an issue when I'm triggered. So I'm going to wait to use this new tool then. So we can't just wait till then because we're not going to use something new then. We're going to do the thing that was familiar then. So I really am, I harbor on the point of consistency and of just developing a consistent practice of what we're talking about, of consciousness all of the time so that when you really need to be observational of yourself, to see why that dish that was left out was so incensing. It's a trigger, right? And to create that space then, so that dish can still be there, I still can feel incensed by it because that doesn't go away right away. But I might not throw it at my partner or knock it on the floor. I might choose a different response. So it's really a gradual evolution. But it starts by practicing consistently all of the time, starting in small moments, of course, because I'm the biggest believer in too much change too quickly overwhelms us.

Right.

So you're not gonna, your intention isn't gonna be, oh, I'm completely unconscious, so now I'm just gonna start being completely conscious starting tomorrow. No, it's not gonna happen. You're gonna start to be conscious in one moment in your day for a good long string of days, and then.

Maybe you're gonna try to do it for two moments in your day, and then three. I tell you, I mean, my girlfriend moved in a couple months ago, and I'm so used to a certain routine every single day of the way I like things, right? And so when she moved in with our dog, it was like I had to learn so many new ways of living in my space and our space now. And I love to make the bed right away, right after I get up. She gets up, I get up early and I go to the gym and I like to make my bed right away. She likes to sleep in a little longer and doesn't like to make the bed as quickly. And I had to learn because we were making the bed quickly. And then it's like not being made.

And then you're making the bed over top of her.

I know, I want to be, I want to be. I had to like just learn to accept certain changes without reacting and being like, okay, even though I'm used to a certain way all the time, am I okay with not doing this or it not being done the way I want it to be? Now that I'm in a new relationship and I've been able to observe and practice without getting upset or without getting mad being like, okay, this is how it's gonna be and if I want it to be done a certain way, I can make a request, I can wait till she wakes up and then I can do it myself, you know, whatever it may be. We can create some new type of relationship around it, but I need to be willing to evolve and change as well, where I'm not always gonna get everything that I want all the time in an intimate relationship. Is that true?

Yeah, that's true.

You also highlighted something very real, which is that it doesn't mean that right away you're right on board.

Right.

You know, right away you might wish that she was up and your bed was made, and that's okay. We shame ourselves as humans, because if we have that old reaction or assign that old meaning, Immediately we become shameful.

Oh, I shouldn't have done that.

It doesn't matter. I mean, we're gonna have those thoughts. They're gonna stick around for a while. We're gonna have those feelings even. They're gonna stick around for a while. But we can start to create new choices. And we don't have to feel badly about desiring to live those old familiar patterns. It's actually part of being human.

I feel like I'm so proud of myself in the last few months 'cause my girlfriend moved in and it was stressful. The first couple months was tough. There were so many beautiful days, but then there was things that would trigger her that then would trigger me, which.

Is typically how it happens in couples.

She's a passionate Latina and she likes things her way too. I remember just thinking to myself, I could easily go back into a pattern of trauma, resentment, feeling abused, not feeling a sense of fairness, whatever my childhood traumas were. And there were a couple times where I did argue from that place and I realized, this is not gonna work. If I come from this place, this relationship will not thrive. And I'm not saying it's okay for her to come from that place, so we're working on things together, but I just realized, is it better for me to be right and try to prove my point and argue something, or is it better to just listen, love, come from a place of peace in that moment, and then reflect and talk about it? later, like the next day, even though I want answers now. I want to resolve this right now. Here's why I'm right. I want to defend my point. But it's been a beautiful shift in my partner since I've been doing that. And just letting my ego go of like needing to be a writer of a certain situation, it's amazing. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's amazing the amount of love. And I just, I automatically switch to appreciation. Right when there's a trigger or something. I'm just like, I appreciate you so much. You're right about that. I'm gonna work on this more. Even if she's not 100% right, I'm just like, you're right about this and I can empathize with this. And it's been incredible. It's so hard to do unless you practice. And so what I do every morning is I just shower with appreciation when it's calm. And I'm like already in that mode and I just think that's A game changer and I'm not saying I have it all figured out and I have this like perfect relationship, but I hear so many people in relationships who struggle and I ask them, I was like, When's the last time you texted what.

You appreciate about them? Or when's the last time you sent a litany of what isn't appreciated?

Yeah.

What could be done differently? Well you said two really I think beautiful pieces in that which is that, I mean first and foremost, I want to acknowledge you Louis because you changed. Mm-.

Right?

You didn't yet say partner change.

Right.

You said, I'm gonna experiment with how I can have a new relationship with this experience so I can do differently. A lot of us, when there's discomfort or conflict in a relationship, we do very quickly.

Want the other person to change.

This is back to that reactive way of living, right? If the environment is affecting me negatively, that we were describing earlier, right? So if you're my partner and the environment that's affecting me negatively, please change.

So that I can now feel better.

But change comes within. I mean, so that was very beautiful, that you owned the responsibility. I think there's also something to be said about this concept of right and wrong. I mean, not to go all esoteric, but We can make an argument for days about this concept of right, is there anything right, and you said something beautiful. It's not necessarily a fight. We can shift from a need to be right or wrong to an attempt to understand.

That's it. Empathize with where the person's coming from.

Where they're coming from. Why they see that perspective that they are. What about, and something else I think that is beautiful is your realization that somewhere wrapped up in here was that.

Past that was very painful for you.

But very much alive in this moment. It doesn't mean that this moment embodied the past in an objective way. It just means that it triggered a part of you that remembers that past. So very, really beautiful. I love that illustration because I think that really touches on the work that we can all do for ourselves in our practice.

I'm just practicing like I'm doing things I normally wouldn't do, but also the things I normally wouldn't do have never fully worked for me in a relationship. I'm always used to doing things my way because this is who I am and don't change me and don't try to change me. Yeah, exactly right. And now I'm just like, okay, even though it may seem a little more time to do this thing or a little more effort here or to sacrifice something else in my life to cultivate this over here, if that's what I'm calling a sacrifice, it's just by doing and experimenting these things, even though I was resistant to them, in the first couple months, I'm like, do I really need to go do this thing in my life that I did all the time that wasn't really adding value or spending that extra 10 minutes cultivating this relationship more meaningful? And so it's just shifting the awareness in my life about what I thought I wanted to what's actually more valuable. So not to go off on this, but I feel like what I wanted to talk about is people practicing when you're not in conflict. And the reason why tools don't work is because I don't think people are practicing. enough when there's not trauma or stressful moments. And is there anything else that could, I guess, make the tools work except for conscious practicing? I guess it's also healing your traumas, but how do we start to heal those traumas?

Well, that's it actually. So the way I think about a healing journey, I kind of build it into a foundational pyramid.

Okay.

Right, with the bottom layer being our physiological body, our nervous system included. Because to speak to your point that you're very beautifully alluding to, which is that we do, we carry dysregulations, physiological imbalances, nervous system dysregulation.

What's the book, the Body Keeps the Score?

The Body Keeps the Score. I've never read it, but I hear it's great. Yeah, it's really anyone reading it. It's dense scientifically, so I know it can kind of dissuade people away from it because it's an incredibly pivotal, impactful book, and I definitely suggest people give it a shot. I know that it can be pretty dense. But the overall premise of it is-- the overall premise is that trauma is stored in the body. I'm a believer that most of us have some degree of a traumatic experience in our past. I'm a big believer in expanding the definition of trauma beyond the big T.

The way we typically think about it.

It doesn't need to be a physical trauma. It can be emotional, psychological. Sometimes it's emotional, it's interpersonal. It's not feeling seen, not feeling loved, not feeling accepted as the authentic being that we are by typically our earliest relationships, our caregivers, our schools, our things.

Or best friends or whatever.

Yeah, so expanding trauma, I mean, I throw the net quite wide. I really have yet to meet people that don't tick some of the boxes that are, in my opinion, traumatic.

What's the greatest trauma most people face or feel right now?

I think not feeling significant, not feeling authentic in themselves, which began not feeling seen and authentic as a being, a separate being. in their earliest relationships. I think we all carry a version of that.

Really?

Because it's incredibly difficult for a human to show up for another human, an infant, their infant. So because we're modeling things directly, indirectly. So any conflicts, any struggles, any imbalances, any conditionings that's not so positive that caregivers and parents have struggled with probably is going to be modeled in the exact same way. And this is where intergenerational patterns happen. If you look back in your families, you'll see the same sort of patterns as you start to become conscious and as you start to observe these.

Your parents and their parents did this to them and their parents did this to them.

And if you really want to go into the physiological layer that we're talking about now, I mean, you were grown, right, as a baby, as an embryo in a body. So that human's body that's housing this little developing fetus, is in some version of physical regulation or dysregulation. So if you really want to go back, these imbalances are affecting you in development. So then you come out and then all of your body and how it functions is affected by the food you eat, by the choices you make in terms of how much sleep you get, how do you handle stress. Essentially, what you do all day is going to affect whether your body is regulated or not.

How to say no without apologizing. I think as a people pleaser myself of the past and still recovering people pleaser, it's been really hard to say, learn how to say no over the last few years, but I'm getting better and better at it without feeling like I'm letting someone down or someone's gonna be upset with me. As a kid who never had friends growing up, it's always like, I don't want to ruffle the feathers of the friends that I had. And so I have to learn how to be like, If they're upset and they don't understand, there's nothing I can do and I'm giving them my best. So how do we say no without apologizing?

Yeah, it's hard. This is really grounded, Lois, and a lot of us, I mean, I totally resonate with people pleasing. I've been calling it an epidemic of codependency. Back to this childhood where if we're not enough, what we do, we're very adaptive. So what most of us do is similar to what you did with your friends, not having much friends. You became so attuned to the friends that you have to keep those relationships. We do that within our caregiving units, our family structures. We find a way to keep the things that we need, which are connections with other humans. Love from another human. We are an interpersonal species. That is it. We actually need to be bonded together, like I said earlier, out of developmental necessity, and then just generally in life. Think back to evolutionary days and tribes. There's very real research out there now. the stress goes down when we are interconnected with other humans. Aside from division of labor, oh, you can help relieve the stress of my objective life, just the emotions. And we actually release oxytocin when we're connected to another human. We need those hormones. So we need to be connected. So we get very adaptive and we find the way. So if we've developed it in a household, right, where we're not seen as a separate entity, and able to develop connections and relationships with other separate entities in our family. Again, I talk a lot about an enmeshed, codependent family in our last talk. That's what I've come from. We get very externally oriented, is what I say. I start to become so attuned to the outside world so that I can manage how I feel by showing up to friendships or doing the thing or answering the phone call by not saying no. So once we come to that realization and we understand the impact that Always being available has on ourselves and on our relationship. And it hurts our relationship. It does. Because it hurts our relationship with ourself too. Yes, and what happens though is sadly over time, if I always say yes to you and I'm, even if I mean no, before I know it, I don't like you, Lois. I'm not upset at you.

I'm like, why are you upset at me for?

You've been saying yes.

I'm like, not really liking you.

You're resenting the fact that you said yes. I mean you, but I'm really upset. If I really looked down at it, I needed to start saying no. How the hell Would you know? I mean, we like to believe that other humans, especially when they're our partners, are mind readers. We love this idea that people see the same reality.

It's not a mind reader, yes. Right?

But what we're talking about, you just don't. You're never gonna have the same reality as another person. So we like that idea. So we say the yeses, and then we get upset at the person. So it really is damaging of our relationships. And I know I lived the hard way. I had to learn how to say no. My go-to was not necessarily no with an apology. I liked apologies. I peppered those in. My preference was no with the excuse with the why. Here's why I can't do it. I needed to validate the reason I was disappointing someone with this belief that it wasn't enough just to not to want to or to feel like it or just to be somewhere else in any given moment.

So how do we say no without.

An excuse or an apology then? Yeah, practice. I mean, it's hard. You know, it's very, very difficult. First and foremost, accepting the reality that you're welcome to say no. You're allowed to say no. And that saying no doesn't diminish who you are or the relationship. Again, this is an evolution of work. We don't just turn off the belief that I have to say no to maintain these friendships. We don't just overnight come by a new belief. So we can practice. And I suggest practicing, I say, around the periphery. Start to say no. So what this looked like for me, I started to put up boundaries or.

To say my no's.

In my professional world where it felt a little easier. So some requests that would come in from people that I maybe didn't really know, it would feel and it's virtual. So I can even send an email, throw my phone, which has happened before, and run away and come back later.

To see what happened.

Hopefully they didn't react. You know what I mean? So easier for me. So I practice there before I practice maybe saying no with my immediate family or with my partner. There's going to be some, there might be some relationships that it might be even easier. Maybe you do have that one friend that is casual about it. You're gonna find the moments of practice, but the theme for today, you have to practice. Because it's gonna be really hard when you're faced with that saying that no, and what's gonna happen is everything that happens in your mind that prevented you from saying that no for however many years you have not said that no, it's gonna happen in your mind the second you, well first of all, before you say the no, trying to convince you out of saying the no. So before you know what you're saying yes again.

I know.

This is where consciously you have to say no, no, period, the end, or no, whatever you wanna deliver the message being. And then on the backside, once it's delivered, your mind is going to try to convince you out of that no still. Oh, you're terrible. Oh, this person is going to hate you. Oh, it's been two hours since they responded. Clearly this relationship is over. Right, now the work is still on you. Don't spend time in that thought, just like we were talking about earlier. Get the hell out of there. But don't expect it not to be there. I call them the feel-bads. The feel-bads have haunted me around every boundary I've set. for quite a long time before they've diminished. And they still are there every now and again. I still find myself feeling bad almost into saying yes. Maybe I'm even feeling bad once I've said the no. But I'm like carrying that. But I get to choose how long do I want to live in this feel bad.

It's not good. Yeah.

And a really cool thing happens as you practice. You start to learn and see, sometimes you do get that feared response. Sometimes exactly what you imagine would happen that's not positive does. I got that a lot from my family. Not all the time. So if you focus on the moments where the thing that you feared most didn't happen, that relationship didn't end, those friends still were around and asked you to come to the movies next weekend, that's what I urge you to pay attention to. Because that's gonna help you keep saying.

The nos and helping you shift out of the pattern.

I think if, you know, it's not the end of the world if someone reacts in a negative way to your no. Because if they get so upset that you can, unless it's like something so, like my wedding or whatever, and you've told them months in advance, or you've given them time, like it all depends on the situation. But if it's a friend who just like gets upset because you're busy one weekend for whatever reason, then is that a great relationship? That's information too.

Yeah, that's information too.

Spend more time with them. A couple of things that you said on how to say no without apologizing, you said a couple responses would be, I won't be able to make it, and I'm grateful you invited me.

Yeah. Not apologizing.

Thank you for the invite. Thank you. And I can't come. You don't have to give a reason why. You also said, that sounds amazing, it's just not something I can commit to right now. So simple solutions you can use without having to say, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna be able to make it. I wish I could, you know, things like that. So I really like that.

A lot of people have challenges, right? Whether it be family or living beliefs, scarcity, relationships, health, whatever it may be. A lot of people do talk therapy, but why does it seem like most traditional talk therapy doesn't work and people keep going?

And how can it work better for them?

What do they need to do so that it starts to see benefits and results? What's your thoughts?

I'm really happy you asked that. One of the reasons I think, and this happened in my own life, so anxiety was all I knew. I went to multiple years of talk therapy myself. I was actually in an what is called a psychoanalytic training program. So think Freud, the couch, clocking. I mean, these are people that go into treatment hour, I mean, each day of the week, you know, five days.

A week for an hour.

So I was training in that modality. And part of that training was we had to lay on the couch ourselves. And so at some points I was up in, in therapy two hours a week. I was on medication. I had, you know, my, my ssri, my benzo in the back pocket. and I was taking the traditional routes of treatment and I still wasn't getting better. So for me, realizing that we have to look at the whole person, that's why I now work holistically, that there's a body that my mind that's unwell, if you will, is attached to. So for me, it was exploring the nutritional, the sleep, all of the lifestyle based stuff because I was so physiologically out of balance that I wasn't able to, a lot of my symptoms really of anxiety even, sometimes even of depression or what we think of as depression, are the result of this physiological imbalance. Lack of sleep, anxiety, big time food, gut damage. I mean, we now know that the gut is incredibly important in our health. It's not only where nutrients are absorbed, that damage to the gut results in chronic inflammation that can be really, really problematic, you know, in terms of our mental wellness. So for me, without that, I was just contributing and exacerbating my anxiety. So no amount of talking in a room the way I see it, or even medication, because We also now know that the medication that we thought all the neurotransmitters were in our brain, like.

I said, are in our gut. So yeah, so we're doing talk therapy then having a gallon of ice cream and pizza afterwards.

It's probably not going to help us because we're going to go up, down, up, down, up, down constantly. Yeah, so and I can assure you, I have yet to find a program or meet a clinician and I now have a whole network of them that I'm connected to that have had any version of that. I mean, nutrition, the gut, the body is not mentioned in any training program. So I think that's a huge limitation. I also know that another big, big problem for a lot of us, whether or not we have the big T of trauma or the little T of trauma, is a dysregulated nervous system. Yeah, the stress and the anxiety. Yeah, so now there's an incredible amount of science. Dr. Stephen Porges is amazing. He does polyvagal theory. And so to put it really simple, unless we start to address that dysregulation in our nervous system that at this part most of us have, that's going to limit treatment.

So the sympathetic, is that fight or flight?

Fight or flight. Most of us are spending most of our time chronically in fight or flight. 70% of our time. I mean, from this, I mean, I'm looking out, the vast city in the background. I mean, some, for some of us, the city, construction, is enough. My mind has now taken on a whole other capacity to induce stress.

So a lot of us humans are living chronically stressed.

You could be in peace, you could.

Be in nature, but your mind could be in traffic. Yes. Thinking in an anxious, anxious way. And then you could have induced a completely in a panic attack. I mean, I've seen it happen in my office, you know, content we're talking about before I know it, the person's having a complete visceral reaction. Sweating there, yeah. So without regulation of that nervous system, I see that treatment talking about it only goes so far because we had a great session.

Thanks, Lois.

See you next week. And now I'm out the door with my overactive nervous system and that next thing's gonna activate me and the next thing's gonna activate me and I'm gonna have a fight with my partner. that also speaks to the power of the subconscious. So what therapy is, is talking from the conscious mind. We can have a great insightful, you know, therapy session. I can understand. I can even have a great game plan, but then I'm back out the door. And if I'm not conscious, I'm back in my subconscious. And then I'm back in those patterns. So then what I would see week after week, me too. I thought I was very insightful. I thought I knew myself, right? And I'd work with people. We had a great session and back the next week, and it's the same rapport.

Oh.

Got in the same fights with my partner. Still stressed out about work. It's like nothing's changing. And it's because, again, therapy, the way I see it, only addresses that conscious mind. Even the best laid plans of what we're going to do that next time we're activated only go as far as me remembering to do these new things. So I think that those, whether it's the lack of the body attention, the lack of addressing the dysregulated nervous system or really us not understanding. I mean, the subconscious is as crazy as this might sound, not talked about in, in any training program. So unless these clinicians are given these tools, I think that a lot of them are gonna. And so part of it, I was nervous. I wasn't, wasn't sure when I started to go and shout from the rooftops, these new holistic methods and how I did, you know, find the traditional model model to be limiting. I was nervous about what my peers were gonna say, and they've been nothing but receptive and I think a bit relieved. I actually offer professional mentorship sessions now and. I have at least one or two professionals a week that I'll speak to and help to update, help them to update their practices in these ways because they say it, they know it, they're stuck, they're probably stuck in their own life too and they don't see that I think their clinical work being as effective as they know on some level it could be.

Yeah.

So how do we regulate our nervous system, I guess?

Is that what you were saying?

Yeah, our nervous system. So our goal is, so we are actually structured as humans to be spending all of our time in the other nervous system, the parasympathetic.

Relaxing.

In that relaxed mode. Only. Yeah, one my thing, only to need, right, when we are literally at risk. Like, or needing to go to the ground.

Correct.

Yeah.

So the tool that I'm talking always about is breath work through conscious breathing. This is the easiest one being just retraining the way you naturally breathe. Most of us as humans now have evolved to being a bit of a shallow chest based breather. So even just, so for me, I couldn't, when I first started doing breath work, I was like gasping for air. I'm laying down trying to get a deep belly breath in, and now I've practiced consistently enough that I breathe mainly from my belly, which indicates to me that I'm spending more and more time. There are still times where if I'm feeling particularly stressed, I'll have to remind myself to breathe, as crazy as that sounds. I catch myself holding my breath, or I catch my breath being a little more shallow. So that's one that when I work with clients, I talk about right off the bat, because being able, I don't see anything honestly as empowering as being able to begin to consciously gain control of the way your body is physiologically reacting, especially if you sit on that anxiety spectrum. And definitely if you have panic attacks, because I know that they feel like the most out of control place in the world to be. So to show people that, wait a minute, I can start to, and again, these aren't the magic elixirs. We can't breathe from the belly twice or just use it as needed as a lot of us want to do. You know, it's not that. But if you do practice it, you can start to feel a bit more in control.

And I don't find anything as empowering as that.

Yeah.

And when we can calm the mind, then we can make a lot better decisions. Yes. The war for in constant stress or fight or flight in the mind and the body.

Yeah.

It's hard to be mindful of our reactions. We're just going to go back to our patterns of the past, right?

Yeah.

Well, I love that you said that because the mind and body are connected. They're interconnected. So just as much as you, like you and I just said, I sit here, I think stressful thoughts, I'm having.

A stress body reaction.

Our mind is monitoring our body's reaction too. So if my body is having a reaction with, and the stress hormones, they have a longer shelf life. I mean, cortisol, adrenaline takes our body a bit to metabolize those. So our mind is going to continue to register that our body is stressed, and it's going to try to make sense of it. So then it's going to make it even harder to calm or to redirect our attention from a racing mind. So it's very interconnected. So that's why I talk about attentional control, getting the hell out of those thoughts that are becoming the issue and inducing the body experience, but also calming the body so that we can clip that up. message too.

Yeah, it's working on both for sure. You know, it's like I try to think about like if my mind is a bucket, right? And there's thoughts that I can put in the bucket all day and there's thoughts that are coming in and leaving the bucket. How do I constantly fill it with positive, peaceful, loving, beautiful thoughts as opposed to chaotic, stressful thoughts? and I just try to decide every moment to have more beautiful thoughts than negative thoughts. And a lot of my practice is breath work, meditation and gratitude. Simple things. It's really basic simple things. And the more I focus on gratitude, I find that my mind is in a peaceful beautiful state. And there's no room for negativity when it's in a beautiful state. So it's a practice because when we're in stress mode and we're in scarcity mode, it's hard to think beautiful thoughts because you're just like, die. That's how you feel. No one loves me. They're attacking me and this negativity and these negative emotions come up. So I just try to focus on gratitude for what I have and that brings more peace and positive thoughts into the bucket every day.

Well, you're actually speaking to something that's very real too. Part of the fight or flight response is a shrinking of our perceptual field where we cannot see those expansive areas outside. We only can see the immediate and we're actually primed to see threat. So that's why it's always typically colored negative. So those of us that are living, this is why it's also imperatively important to, to get out of fight or flight or to build and practice that over time will shift us a bit more out of fight or flight because we are. And this also goes into the whole financial climate when you're living under stress, even if it's financially in due stress, I can't pay my bills, you are now dealing with a shrunken perceptual field that makes it hard to lock out of that.

It's funny, but once you start focusing on gratitude in scarcity, you start to create more abundance and opportunities to generate, you know, financial income or the right partnership or whatever it may be. So it's hard to get out of that. But if you just focus on, okay, what am I grateful for? And how can my energy shift to be a magnetic force field of good to come to me good and.

That's what it is. I mean, that's why gratitude, there's I'm so excited now because it's actually getting studied a bit that gratitude does shift us vibrationally, energetically, that even a small practice list one, two things a day that you're grateful for does have those effects and it's becoming more and more proven that it does because it's shifting our brain waves to a different frequency.

I always think about people in service at restaurants. when someone's waiting on you and they come with a grateful positive energy, I guarantee they're making more tips. Then if someone's negative and focused in their own head and just angry or down on themselves, you're attracting less. You're attracting what you're creating in the world. And I always hear these great stories.

Of people that are so positive.

It's like, I want to hire these people at these restaurants who are so positive and bring gratitude. I'm like, if you're grateful in this situation, I can imagine how you would implement this energy to something else.

And I feel like they're attracting more.

Of what they want by being grateful and their way of being their energy. It's not easy. It's a practice. So how did you start to eliminate scarcity in your own life? What did you focus on when you recognized, okay, one of my living beliefs is not being seen or being scarce. So what were the steps that you did? Did you start to do inner child work right away?

Yeah.

So first I I, first I practiced consistent self-observation. I watched my own behavior. Observation, right? So I developed a consistent now, and I resisted meditating consistently, but I built in a consistent meditation practice so that I could then carry that skill throughout my day because I knew that's where I really needed it. So I practiced that consistent daily self-observation.

Where I was looking at my thoughts, you know, all day long and, and what journaling them or just being aware, I want to hire these people at these. restaurants who are so positive and bring gratitude, I'm like, if you're grateful in this situation, I can imagine how you would implement this energy to something else.

And I feel like they're attracting more.

Of what they want by being grateful and their way of being, their energy. It's not easy. It's a practice.

So how did you start noticing?

Because the first way, and this kind of ties into something you were saying earlier, the first way that we can start to quiet our mind is we don't battle our thoughts away. We can't obviously hit the mute button on them. but we can start to pay less attention by removing our attention. So each and every time I would see that because my subconscious, our subconscious.

Is what's all to eliminate scarcity in your own life. What did you focus on when you recognized, okay, one of my living beliefs is not being seen or being scarce. So what were the staff saying?

Offering most of our thoughts for us.

Right. So my.

My cupcakes gone and up my subconscious. You did.

Did you start to do inner child work right away?

Yeah.

So first I. I first I practiced consistent self-observation. I watched my own behavior. Observation.

Right?

So I'm just going to assign that I'm not considered scarcity based meaning, not my conscious mind.

Right?

So I don't have control over that. That's why I explained that. Subconscious, you don't have control over it.

We do not have control over it. We can reprogram it. Reprogram it through consistent repetition of something new.

By being aware of our thoughts consciously and being like, okay, that doesn't support me anymore.

Yeah.

So the simplest way I put is to change our subconscious, we first need to start paying less tension to I developed a consistent now, and I resisted meditating consistently, but I built in a consistent meditation practice so that I could then carry that skill throughout my day because I knew that's where I really needed it. So I practiced that consistent daily self-observation those older narratives that are naturally going to be there.

And I say this.

Pay attention to them first to pay less. You need to know where I was.

Looking at my thoughts, you know, all day long and.

And what?

Journaling them or just being. Just notice them and then remove your attentional Focus back to your breath, back to the current moment. And that is the the muscle I called a mindful muscle, the muscle that we're building, our attentional muscle. We all have one. Most of ours are just very wimpy because either life that's endlessly distracting is grabbing our attention or a lot of us are spending way too much time looking, if you will, at our thoughts. So noticing our thoughts enough to then redirect my attention. Noticing because the first way, and this kind of ties into something you were saying earlier, the first way that we can start to quiet our mind is we don't battle our thoughts away. We can't obviously hit the mute button on them. but we can start to pay less attention by removing our attention. So each and every time I would see that, because my subconscious, our subconscious is what's always, will weaken that narrative. So that's the first layer of work.

Okay.

Noticing, watching your thoughts. What's the second layer?

And then if you want to, the subconscious can be reprogrammed. So then I started to play around with. And the future self journal was kind of where I. What I developed for this part of my own healing was to. Practice, I mean, what an offering most of our thoughts for us, right? So my cupcake's gone and oh, my subconscious is gonna assign that. I'm not considered scarcity based meaning, not my conscious mind, right? So I don't have control over that. That's why I explained that. Subconscious, you don't have control over. We do not have control over. We can, we canation is a new thought, right? So then I would start to practice abundance based affirmation. Reprogram it. Reprogram it through consistent repetition of something new. By being aware of our- That's a mental rehearsal in the act of affirming. We're literally lighting up a new neural pathway in our brain. So our brain does not know whether or not I already believe that to be true or not. The goal is to repeat it enough that over time I believe that to be true.

Thoughts consciously and like, okay, that doesn't support me anymore.

Yeah.

So the way, so the subconscious can be changed later in life.

So the reason, what was the mantra you were using for this?

I'm, I'm abundant.

Simple one.

Simple one. Simplest way I put is to change our subconscious. We first need to start paying less attention to those older narratives that are.

Naturally going to be there.

And I say this.

Pay attention to them first to pay less attention. You need to notice them and then remove your attentional Focus back to your breath, back to the current moment.

And that just simple one. A couple of words.

Yeah.

Just simple one.

Yeah.

So whenever you hear like, ah, trigger some, like, cookies gone, whatever, like, I'm abundant. First it was, first it was get out of there and just sort myself. Sometimes I need to take a breath because I always thought that was a goddamn cookie, you know? And then once I had a second and then I could say, but you know, and then remind myself that I'm a bond is the tool, the muscle, I called a mindful muscle that we're building, our attentional muscle. We all have one. Ours are, most of ours are just very wimpy because either life that's endlessly distracting is grabbing our attention or a lot of us are spending way too much time looking. if you will, at our thoughts. So noticing our thoughts enough to then redirect my attention. There's a store up the street. Like it's not about the lack of, but we first have to pull it away. Because I think a lot of us try to go right in the strong arm and shift it and it just doesn't work. Because this is a belief that we've been practicing. I mean, some of us outside of our conscious awareness for as long as we've been walking the planet. I mean, so this is a really strong way. weaken that narrative. So that's the first layer of work.

Okay.

Noticing, watching your thoughts.

What's the second layer? And then if you want to, the subconscious can be reprogrammed. So then I started to play around with. And the future self Journal was kind of where I.

Network. It's going to take time.

It's like years, potentially, decades, potentially.

Right.

What I developed for this part of my own healing was to practice.

I mean, what anaphro. Now, do you associate. the thought with a physical feeling or physical motion or just like an abundant movement or is it just a thought?

With so what the way I define manifestation is a new thought, right? So then I would start to practice abundance based affirmations and that's a mental rehearsal in the act of affirming where literally lighting is pairing that thought with the as if it's true. So how would believing me to be abundant, how would that make me feel? Would I feel free? Would I feel you know, limit up a new neural pathway in our brain. So our brain does not know whether or not I already believe that to be true or not. The goal is to repeat it enough that over time, I believe that to be true. Less. It might be different for each of us. So that is part of it. But for me, so the, the, the narrative work is what I just described. Getting out of the old narratives. If you choose to be committed, practicing new ones, it can work.

Yeah.

The deeper level, because a lot of these narratives, a lot of our subconscious is, is is touching on a wound or an unmet need. So for me, this is so the subconscious can be changed later in life. So the reason- what was the mantra.

You were using for this? I'm abundant.

Simple mantra. Simple mantra.

Just simple one.

Just simple one. Couple words. Yeah.

Just simple one.

Yeah.

So whenever you hear like, ah, trigger.

My cookie's gone, whatever, like I'm abundant.

Right.

First it was get out of there. That's where this consideration came. So my deeper work, my inner child work, was now as the adult that I am to find the ways and I had to find them. I did not know them. No one taught me how to consider myself. I did not have parents or caregivers that were modeling, you know, kind of self consideration or self care in any healthy way, if you will. So I didn't know and I say this because I think a lot of times we're just centering myself, sometimes I need to take a breath because I always thought that was a goddamn cookie. become an adult and we think we should know. We should just know how to take care of our emotional selves. But if we were never taught, you know, and then once I had a second, then I could say, but, you know, and then remind myself that I'm a bun, but how would we know? I did not know. So then my deeper journey was, okay, how can I sh*t? There's a throw up the street, like it's not about the lack of, but we first have to pull it away. Because I think a lot of us try to go right in a strong arm and shifted and just up in the world. consistently on a daily basis and consider myself, consider my needs, explore what they even might be, how to even give them words, and then what to do. I didn't know how to give myself a feel better. I dissociate. It doesn't work because this is a belief that we've been practicing. I mean, some of us out did. That's all I knew. So now that I was showing up to manage my feelings in a new way, I outside of our conscious awareness for as long as we've been walking. the planet. I mean, so this is a really strong Network. It's going to take time.

It's a years, potentially, decades, potentially. Right now, do you associate the thought with a physical.

It was. I was like a little kid again. I had no idea what to do. And I just had to move toward. Okay, does this make me feel better or worse? And then I talk with my clients.

A lot about feeling or physical motion or just like. an abundance.

Yes, because it can feel really overwhelming when you're trying to navigate your emotions now in a new way. We all have had a way that we've coped and we got really good at it, but chances are that movements.

Or is it just a thought with.

So what the way I define manifestation is pairing that thought with the as if it's true. So how would believing that's not the way that's going to get us the relationships that we want, the life that we want, so. for me to be abundant. How would that make me feel? Would I feel free? Would I feel, you know, limit me? It was like stabbing around the dark and just moving toward what felt a little better. And then you start to get a toolkit. You start to say, okay, when I'm feeling down, you know, while I might hate to say it, moving hell yes, it might be different for each of us. So that is part of it. But for me, so the.

The.

The helps me or, you know, a bath helps me or a time alone helps me. I had to ReDiscover all of those new tools for myself in those moments. So that narrative work is what I just described. Getting out of the narratives if you choose to be committed, practicing new ones, it can work. The deeper level, because a lot of these narratives, a lot of our subconscious is touching on a wound or an unmet need. So for me, this is what the deeper part of the journey is now because I view it's my responsibility to consider myself, to learn how to navigate my emotions. It's not my partner's job not to eat the cupcake, to consider me. It's my job to And then I realized over time, I wasn't assigning through that constant attentional control. I stopped assigning, lack of consideration, meanings, you know.

-You stopped after a while.

-Yeah, you know, is where this consideration came. So my deeper work, my inner child work, was now as the adult that I am to find the ways and I had to find them. I did not know them. Eating food was eating food, dishes on the counter were just dishes on the counter. And then I was building myself, no, taught me how to consider myself. I did not have parents or caregivers that were modeling, you know, kind of self consideration or self care and up enough and reparenting myself enough that I was feeling overall considered in a healthy way, if you will. So I didn't know, and I say this because I think a lot of times we become an adult and we think we should know, we should just know how to take care of our emotional selves. But if we were never taught, how would we know? I did not know. So then my deeper journey was okay, how can I show up in the world consistently on a daily basis and consider myself, consider my by me so that when she offered me an active consideration it was like oh great, you know, but it wasn't necessary anymore so my okayness and our relationship stability didn't depend on her showing up to give me a gesture of consideration anymore It.

Was just an added bonus.

It was an added bonus. Then I was able to let it in more because I think some of us become so rigid and in exactly what we need from this other person to fit my need in this way. And now I could accept, maybe it's not the way I would want to be considered, but it's a little gesture of it and it's consideration and it still fills my cup. It's explore what they even might be, how to even give them words and then what to do. I didn't know how to give myself a feel better. I dissociated. That's all I knew. So now that I was showing up to manage my feelings in a new way, I I was like a little kid again. I had no fucking idea what to do.

In your mind, who do you think would have a harder time? The child who feels not seen or taken care of by the parents or the parent who is giving their heart and life to the child but doesn't feel seen and acknowledged.

I just had to move toward okay, does this make me feel better or worse? And I talk with my clients a lot about this because it can feel really overwhelming when you're trying to navigate your emotions now in a new way.

For their caregiving.

Yeah.

Because I can only imagine both.

I can't.

Parents like saying, we all have had.

A way that we've coped and we got really good at it. But chances are that's not the way that's gonna get us the relationships that we want, the life that we want.

So I'm giving you my life. I'm sacrificing my dreams or whatever the conversation might be to you and you're ungrateful, you're not loving, you're angry, you're... What do you think is more traumatic.

The parent trauma or the child trauma? I think very equally, equally traumatic. And I was actually talking about this this morning with my partner. There's an aspect of it that whatever.

The story is, like stabbing around in the dark and just moving toward what felt a little better, and then you start to get a toolkit. You start to say, okay, when I'm feeling down, you know, while I might hate to say it, moving how the.

Story is from the child side and from the parent side, that is their truth, right? That's their experience. That's their experience, so that's their truth. Emotionally, that is their truth. It doesn't matter objectively if an observer would say, oh, no, I actually think.

You did give enough to your kid. Or actually do see him being you.

Know, appreciative right there.

Helps me or, you know, a bath helps me or a time alone helps me. I had to rediscover all of those new tools for myself in those moments.

So that doesn't matter because either of those parties are living in their truth, which can be equally, in my opinion, as traumatizing. And probably chances are that parent, when they were a child, right, probably had some version of that experience similar or almost complete opposition. Sometimes we kind of go in an overcompensation attack.

It was the deeper part of the journey is now because I view it's my responsibility to consider myself, to learn how to navigate my emotions in this. It's not my partner's job not to eat the cupcake, to consider me. It's my job to. And then I realized over time I wasn't assigning through that constant attentional control.

I stopped assigning and To that so I you know so that my argument then being so now you hear have.

A caregiver Lack of consideration meanings, you know stopped after a while yeah, you.

Know who probably is carrying their own trauma from their caregivers. Yes and now is carrying their own.

Trauma from having food was eating food dishes on the counter with just dishes on the counter and then I was building myself up enough and Reparenting myself enough that I was feeling overall considered by me so that when she offered me an active consideration It was like oh great, you know, but it wasn't.

You know a child and and then this is where a really big snowball gets created. And I think back to why now, why the popularity of the account, I think we're finally at a time in collective evolution where it's very apparent that these old ways, these old conditioning patterns aren't helpful. And now we're starting to have the tools, the internet being one of them, where all this information can come out and be out in the world. And now you see a collective evolution happening.

I mean, I don't want to cut you off.

I apologize. Necessary anymore. So my okayness and our relationship stability didn't depend on her showing up to give me a gesture of consideration anymore. It was just an added bonus.

It was an added bonus.

And then I was able to let it in more because I think some.

Of us become said the triangle of healing journey. Is that the pyramid?

The body, the body, and the physiology so rigid in exactly what we need.

From this other person to fit my need. The physical ways we are dysregulated or imbalanced and then the nervous system because without that balance, and this was my story for quite some time, because I lived my life in fight or flight. My whole life. And that sympathetic and a nervous system response, which means my nervous system, as yours does, this way.

And now I could accept, maybe it's not the way I would want to be considered, but it's a little gesture of it and it's consideration and it still fills my cup.

And it controls our whole body. So when you're in that, we feel very emotionally reactive. Everything feels like we're waiting for that next straw, right? And next straw and everything. I mean, my water being empty right now could be a straw if I, you know, if I was amped up enough. Living in that really prevented me. And this is why I'm so passionate about holistic.

In your mind, who do you think would have a harder time? The child who feels not seen or taken care of by the parents or the parent who is giving their heart and life to the child but doesn't feel seen and acknowledged. Healing, one of the definitions of holistic.

Being of the body, also of a whole, you know, mind, body, I believe soul, how all these parts interact. We need to include the body because for my life... -Yeah.

-For their caregiving. -Yeah. -Because I can only imagine... -Both, I can. -Parents like saying, I'm giving you my.

Life, I'm sacrificing my dreams or whatever the conversation might be to you and-- Having tools, being in therapy, being on medication. My body was so dysregulated at the nervous system level that it didn't matter if I very insightfully knew that next time I need to call this time out with you, Lois, I won't because my body was too dysregulated to give me a chance.

You're ungrateful, you're not loving, you're angry, you're-- what do you think is more-- that's why I put that at the bottom.

So you have to heal the body.

First, is that what I'm hearing?

You have to engage in a process because it's traumatic, the parent trauma or the child trauma. I think very equally, equally traumatic. And this is long term. We don't make one change again overnight and our body doesn't-- It could take decades to change. It could take a long time. I was actually talking about this this morning with my partner. There's an aspect of it that whatever the story is from the child side and from the parent side, that is their truth. Right? I mean, I've been on the healing journey for some time and I'm still releasing areas of inflammation. That's their experience. That's their truth. Emotionally, that is their truth. It doesn't matter objectively if an observer would say, that's the pain that I'm carrying. my body, my digestion is still working its way out from a lifetime of digestive issues related to my imbalance. Yes, yes. And I'm years in. It got significantly better along the way. Oh, no, I actually think you did give enough to your kid. You actually do see him being appreciative right there. It doesn't matter because either of those parties are living in their truth, which can be equally, in my opinion, but start by healing the body. And definitely if you're out there and you're listening and you have nervous system as traumatizing and probably chances are that parent when they were a child dysregulation, if you always feel on edge and in that fight or flight, if you've heard that you have adrenal fatigue, now we have a medical diagnosis for it, you need to be adding some version, right? Probably some version of that experience similar or version of whether it's breath work or some version of nervous system regulation in because that's going to give you almost complete opposition.

Sometimes we kind of go in over.

Compensation, attempt to balance or some foundation to then be able to dive in and create deeper change to that. So, my argument then being, so now you here have a caregiver. So the bottom of the pyramid is the body.

The body.

Look at the choices you're making around your lifestyle who probably is carrying their own trauma from their caregivers.

Yes.

And now is carrying their own trauma from having style, how you care for your body, Is there anything that you can add, change, decrease, and also look at your nervous system and build? I do a daily practice of breath work still, and I will always do it.

I just think it's a no-brainer. I think there's so many apps and programs.

You know, a child, and then this is where a really big snowball gets created.

Experts out there teaching it because it works. It's helping and it's powerful.

I think back to why now, why the popularity of the account, I think we're finally at a top.

And people have been doing meditation and breath work for thousands of years because it keeps them grounded, centered.

I'm in collective evolution where it's very apparent that these old ways, these old.

Conditions, calm and not in a stressful environment.

Patterns aren't helpful. And now we're starting to have the tools, the internet being one of them.

I definitely recommend practicing it. So the body's first and then what's after that?

So moving up then to the mind.

The mind.

Developing consciousness, creating for a lot of them where all this information can come out and be out in the world. And now you see a class.

It.

Means creating the distance from our thoughts based in the reality that none of us are our thoughts. We believe we are collective evolution happening.

Yes. I don't want to cut you off. I apologize.

We believe we are our thoughts. We believe we're this story that we've told ourselves about who we are, right? When I went, who are earlier when you were talking, who we are, right?

This is my narrative. You said the triangle of healing journey.

Is that the pyramid, the body, the mind, the spirit? The body and the physiological ways we are dysregulated or in balance and then the nervous system. Because without that balance, and this was my story for quite some time, because I lived my life in fight or flight, my whole life in that sympathetic and a nervous system response, which means my nervous system as yours does. That's all created. It's all created from our past conditioning. So even the who we think we are is not the who that we are. Those are patterns of thinking in our head. Those are stories that our ego is telling us all day long about who we are compared to who other people are. Who we are is the awareness that sits behind our thoughts. So this is what this kind of tier of thinking mind work is to first create that separation. I suggest doing it in a manager's Controls our whole body. So when you're in that re-- it's re-- we feel very emotionally reactive. Everything feels like we're waiting for that next draw, right? Next draw. And everything-- I mean, my water being empty right now could be a straw. If I-- you know, if I was amped up enough, living in meditation practice, our goal is to do it all day long. But when we're sitting, when we're quiet, even if we're meditating for one minute, which is definitely the amount of minutes that I suggest a new meditator to meditate for, that really prevented me. And this is why I'm so passionate about holistic because it's a long time.

This is difficult.

For some of us, it's the first time we're tuning in to our internal world. It's not always comfortable in there. A lot of us like to run away from it. A lot of healing, one of the definitions of holistic being of the body, also of a whole, you know, spend a lot of our day running away from it. So once we learn how to observe our mind, body, I believe soul, how all these parts interact, we need to include the body, because for my life, thoughts feel Closing our eyes, sitting in a quiet room, thoughts are gonna come. That gives you the having tools, being in therapy, being on medication. My body was so disregulated at the first experience of being separate, because who's watching them? You're who's watching them. The goal though is to build the bridge and to do that all day long, but it doesn't come overnight. Once we become an observer on our own system level, that it didn't matter if I very insightfully knew that next time I need to call this time out with you, Lois, I wouldn't, because my body was too dysregulated to give me a chance. Too messed up. That of our thoughts throughout our day, then we get to do the deeper work that I'm always talking about of the ego and the inner child. Because you're gonna start to see the very repetitive patterns.

That's why I put that at the bottom.

So you have to heal the body first, is that what I'm hearing? You have to engage in a process because patterns in your thinking that are causing you to then have very repetitive.

Consistent fears is long term.

We don't make one change again overnight and our body doesn't take decades.

It could take a long time.

Healings in your body, which are physiological. That's why they're real too. When we're stuck, I mean, I've been on the healing journey for some time and I'm still releasing areas of inflammation that I'm carrying in my body. My digestion is still working again, consistent feelings. It feels very invalidating to have people to say, well just stop feeling like that. I can't.

I've been one to blame myself.

Way out from a lifetime of digestive issues related to my imbalance. Yes, yeah.

Self was doing that to people in the past too. It's not until you really like go through this process.

And I'm years in, you know, it got significantly better, you know, along the way. You can start to have empathy and.

Compassion for everyone's journey. Yeah, yeah, but start by healing the.

Body and definitely if you're out there and you're listening and you have nervous system dysregulation, if you always feel on edge and in that fight or flight, if you've heard that you have adrenal literally some weeks We get stuck in feelings. Feelings are physiological events in our body. They become familiar. So my story about me in fight or flight, my most frequently visited emotion was stress, was chaos.

Every day.

It's all I know. Fatigue. Now we have a medical diagnosis for it. You need to be adding some.

So, so how long, until how old?

Probably until I'm in my early 30s. You know what I mean? I'm 37 now. So not very in the distant past version of whether it's breath work or some version of nervous system regulation in because that's gonna give you that. I just lived in chaos. If you would be talking to me, Louis, I would say all I want, I'm a hippie at heart. I just wanna throw peace signs, peace and freedom. That's all I want, right? But the second I would find myself what could have been experienced as a moment of peace or freedom, you know, maybe I'm sitting quietly somewhere that was so uncomfortable. Stressful for you. It was uncomfortable. My body registered it as unfamiliar. You're not used to this. So then if no one was around, I would start to worry about the thing yesterday that happened, or maybe tomorrow. So now I'm creating a change in my body. Because the more I think a stressful thought, the more I release stress hormones. And now I'm having my body's back into that zone of comfort. It loves being stressed. That's what it knows. If a person was around you, the balance or some foundation.

Right.

To then be able to dive in and create deeper change.

Okay, so the bottom of the pyramid is the body.

The body. Look at the choices you're making around your lifestyle. This is where it gets really fun and complicated, bringing our relationships into the picture. If a person was around me, watch out, because before I knew it, if I was in that unfamiliar peaceful space, I might agitate the situation. Before you know it, I might be.

Picking a bit of a fight with.

My partner or whoever is around me. Why are you doing this? Why does this happen? Increase the stress. back to my zone of comfort. That's how I'm dialing, how you care for your body. Is there anything that you can add, change, decrease, use to feeling? So that's back to that concept of stuck. We're stuck because we're subconsciously stuck in our familiarized comfort zone, even though that's not the place that's, or those aren't the behaviors, those aren't the thoughts, those aren't the ways that we're gonna feel to get us the life that we want. But that's what's familiar to us. Okay, so the more you practice self-observation, the more you get to see yourself living the also very uncomfortable.

This is uncomfortable work. And you get to reflect and say, okay, you know, on a scale of 1 to 10, how traumatic was that feeling all day? Or how stressed out was I? I was an 8 all day.

Okay, why were you an 8?

What's allowing you to stay at an 8? Why are you still an 8? Why do you stay there? What's the payoff?

Right?

What's the price you're paying and what's.

The payoff you're getting by being at that level?

What would it take for you to drop at two points or whatever?

And also look at your nervous system and build. I do a daily practice of breath work still and I will always do it.

I just think it's a no-brainer. I think there's so many apps and programs and experts out there teaching it because it works, it's helping and it's powerful and people have been doing meditation and breath work for thousands of years because it keeps them grounded, centered. That's how I think it works.

What do you imagine would happen if you dropped it?

What could you create in your life?

Yes, also negative.

How would your relationship be?

Some of us get caught in a negative feeling as counterintuitive as this might sound in fear of what life would be like without.

Right, in fear of the good things happening. It's very calm and not in a stressful environment.

Complicated.

Why are so many people afraid of more good things happening to them? Do they think they're not worth it? I definitely recommend practicing it. So the body's first and then what's after that?

So moving up. Are you deserving of it? What did you ask me when we first started, right? What is the trauma, the most prolific trauma? Not being seen. Or feeling enough. Feeling enough as a child. So if we have a deep rooted feeling of not enough or not worthy.

Those are the two frequent iterations.

Why should good things come to us? Why should they come to us? And it doesn't matter if logically you really want that good thing.

Thing.

If subconsciously you're an unworthy human being, then to the mind. The mind. Developing consciousness. Creating, for a lot of us.

It.

Means creating the distance from our thoughts. You're not gonna get it.

That's why when people get it, they'll sabotage it and they'll lose it.

Based in the reality that none of us are our thoughts.

We believe we are.

Right?

Yes.

So, how do we come to a place of worthiness, of truly feeling and knowing we are enough and we are deserving of goodness in our life? How do we get to that place?

I usually do it in a two. We believe our thoughts, we believe the story that we've told ourselves about who we hold process. Because I think the first layer of the process is observing all of the times you're telling yourself you're not enough all day. and stopping that shit. Meaning you can't stop it. I'm joking when I say that because you can't stop it. Observe it. You are, right, when I went, who are earlier when you were talking, I said, who we are, right? This is my narrative. That's all created. It's all created from our past conditioning. So even the who we think we are, observe it. Your subconscious is gonna give you that language, whatever it is. You know, we all have different. It's not the who that we are. Those are patterns of thinking in our head. Those are stories that our ego is telling the languaging that we love diminish ourself around. So whatever it is, the thing that you're, you're loose all day long about who we are compared to who other people are, who we are is the awareness that sits. You're not worthy. Whatever your language is.

Yeah.

Replace it. Replace it.

Yeah.

But you can't stop that.

So I want to just acknowledge that.

This is another moment where you can.

Become very shameful, frustrated and tell us the work's not working.

Why is it still here?

I know it's there. Turn it off.

Nope.

So I find our thoughts. So this is what this kind of tier of thinking, observe it being there. But I don't, you said something important earlier, I don't spend that much time in it. Mind work is to first create that separation. I suggest doing it in a meditation. So what most people do, subconsciously, this is why I'm gonna state a fact, feelings have an end. They come and they go, you know, depending on the meditation practice. Our goal is to do it all day long, but when we're sitting, when we're quiet, even if we're on who you read or you know how how many seconds it is or minutes it is or, you know, they come and they go. We do not allow them to go because I say we bring them up to our mental world and we do those meditating for one minute, which is definitely the amount of minutes that I suggest a new meditator to meditate for gymnastics for it. So if you then repeat. So if that thing happens in your environment, your subconscious offers you that the reason that that thing happened is because you're a loser.

Right.

Which it probably still work because it's a long time. This is difficult for some of this is the first time we're tuning in to our internal world. It's not always comfortable in there. A lot of us like to run away from it. A lot of us will do. You can still show up consciously say, oh, thank you subconscious. Thank you for reminding me of that. But I'm not gonna, that's not how I am. That's not who I am. So I can now remove my, spend a lot of our day running away from it. So once we learn how to observe our thoughts, so by closing our eyes, by sitting in a quiet room, thoughts are gonna calm. That gives you the tension. Put it anywhere else. What am I doing? Maybe I put my attention on my breath. Just get out of that script. Stop repeating it to yourself to simplify it. Because that's the difference between first experience of being separate. Because who's watching them? You're who's watching them. The goal, though, is to build the brain. Going to using your language of changing the script or just removing your attention and to do that all day long. But it doesn't come overnight. Once we become an observer, option from your thinking mind, ground yourself in your body, feel the room you're in, do those deep belly breaths. Go for a walk and pay attention to your legs walking. As simple as that sounds, get out of your mind, our thoughts throughout our day, then we get to do the deeper work that I'm always talking about, I'm not. Because the more time you spend repeating, I'm a loser, I'm a loser, I'm a loser, of the ego and the inner child, because you're going to start to see the very repetitive patterns in your thinking that are causing you to then have very repetitive, consistent feelings. Now you are going to carry that feeling. You are that home. you might carry it in the next week. Some of us have lived in the past of feelings that have originated decades ago. Feelings in your body, which are physiological. That's why they're real too. When we're stuck because we're repeating it, because we're telling us that story. And because then the more we do that, the more we scan our environment for more and more evidence. So if I had something loser happen to me at lunch, f*cking consistent feelings, you know, it feels very invalidated. to have people to say, well, just stop feeling like that. Well, I can't because-- I've been one to blame myself.

I'm probably gonna find the loser thing.

That happened to me at dinner and right before bed. And again, I could really-- Self-inflicted doing.

That to people in the past too. It's not-- yeah, it's not-- Until you.

Really go through this process. Start a snowball rolling down a mountain.

In not a helpful way. So the first thing is observe it.

Observe it. What's the next thing?

Remove the focus from it. Remove focus.

Okay.

Without judgment.

Let me add that part in there. Well, that's nice.

You can start to have empathy and compassion for everyone's journey.

Yeah, quite great. Because this is where we get really judgmental of ourselves.

Of course.

And beat up.

Yeah.

Now we're a loser because we had to lose literally some, we get stuck in feelings. Feelings are physiological events in our body. They become familiar. So my story about me in fight or flight, my most frequently visited emotion was stress. It was chaos.

-Every day.

-It'S all I knew.

It was our thought.

You know what I mean?

Okay. Was there anything out with the two steps or?

-Two steps and then remove focus without judgment. And then this is where affirmation work can happen.

Right?

If we want to start, so the.

Two layers I was talking about. -Replacing the focus. -First we want to diminish the increase, I mean decrease the amount of time.

-Until how old?

-Probably until, I mean, two years ago. -In my early 30s. You know what I mean? I'm 37 now. So, not very in the distant past. Time and the fallout of negative thinking that a lot of us have been over practiced. And then we can become impactful if you are someone who like, I mean, affirmations what they are simply a new thought. I just lived in chaos. If you would be talking to me, Louis, I would say all I want is thought. So then if you do start to practice telling yourself that I am worthy, that might, I'm a hippie at heart. I just want to throw peace signs, peace and freedom. That's all I want, right? But you might have a chance over time of actually believing that. And then you might have a chance over time of the second I would find myself what could have been experienced as a moment of peace or freedom of actually seeing instances in your environment of your worthiness.

Yes.

But that doesn't work. And this is why, in my opinion, affirmation work in of itself gets kind of called woo-woo. And a lot of people become frustrated and it doesn't work. And it won't. Because if you do, maybe you have a morning routine where you tell yourself some beautiful affirmation, you know, maybe I'm sitting quietly somewhere, that was so uncomfortable. It was stressful for you. It was uncomfortable. My body registered as unfamiliar. You're not used to this. So then if no one was around, I would start to worry about the thing yesterday that happened, or maybe tomorrow, if for the rest of your day, as a lot of us are, you're back in your subconscious and you're not practicing consciousness, the rest of the day your subconscious might be reminding you of how not worthy you are. And that's why I don't think affirmations are as successful as they can be. So until you start to remove that focus all day long and just be consciously present to what is happening tomorrow, right? So now I'm creating a change in my body. Because the more I think a stressful thought, the more I release stress hormones, right? And now I'm having my body's back into that zone of comfort. It loves being stressed. That's what it knows.

Right.

If a person was around me, this is where it gets really fun and complicated, bringing our relationships into the picture. If a person was around me, watch out because before I knew it, if I was in that unfamiliar peaceful space, I might agitate the situation. Before you know it, I might be picking a bit of a fight with my partner or whoever is around me. Why are you doing this?

Why does this happen?

Increase the stress back to my zone of comfort. That's how I'm used to feeling. So that's back to that concept of stuck, we're stuck because of judgment, then you can start to give yourself a chance at believing over time that I am worthy or whatever it is that you would prefer to believe of yourself.

I love that.

We got the body, the next step, the mind, what's after the mind?

So once we understand, so once you've done a significant amount of time observing yourself, now you really can dive into the world. So like the deepest tip, if you will, of the work is the whole world of the inner child, of the Ego, as we're subconsciously stuck in our familiarized comfort zone, even though that's not the place that's, or those aren't the behaviors, those aren't the thoughts, those aren't the ways that we're going to feel to get us the life that we want. But that's what's familiar to us. That we're carrying with us that are coloring our experiences in our environment. But you can't do that work, as a lot of us want to do, until you have these other tools. The more you practice self-observation, the more you get to see yourself living also very uncomfortably.

Until you take care of your physical needs, the body, until you help with breath work, meditation, calming the body, relaxing.

The body, then observing your...

This is uncomfortable work. And you get to reflect and say, okay, on a scale of 1 to 10, how traumatic was that feeling all day? Or how stressed out was I? I was on 8 all day. Okay, why? your thoughts, why you're reactive, why things are stressful for you. You can't heal the inner child or the ego until you do those first two things. Why is that? Well, you won't, first and foremost, you.

Won'T be able to see it happen. You're too stressed.

How were you in AIDS? What's allowing you to stay at an AIDS? Why are you still an eight?

Why do you stay at two? Because you go, I say you're unconscious.

Back to our examples, right, of our argument. What's, what's the payoff? Right, what's the price you're paying and what's the payoff you're getting?

I'm unconsciously living in my past in that moment. So you can't really see to be observational, you need to be there in your conscience. You can't see what's happening. You only see the reality that you're telling, what you're feeling. You're just feeling in that moment. So I'm upset that you hurt me. I'm upset that you what have you mean?

You're not actually observing what happened. By being at that level, what would it take for you to drop a two point? or whatever. This is how I think it would happen.

What do you imagine would happen if you dropped it?

Yes.

What could you create in your life? Yes.

But also negative.

How would your relationship be?

Some of us get caught in a.

Negative feeling, as counterintuitive as this might sound, in fear of what the story you told yourself was about the dish. Go back to that example that led you to be so incensed. The dish did nothing in this example. The dish is just a dish on a table. But when you saw that dish, you said something to yourself. You rehearsed, you went through some filter that then colored how you're feeling and then what life would be like without.

Right, and fear of the good things happening.

It's very complicated.

Why are so many people afraid of more good things happening to them? Do they think they're not worthy? They don't care about me. They're abusing me.

They're-- and until you show up consciously and practice seeing.

Maybe you're deserving of it.

What did you ask me when we first started, right? What is the trauma, the most prolific trauma? Observing that, you have no idea. You actually think that dish was the problem, right? You're so stuck in it, you're unconscious to it. So it can't be done until you start to develop that distance and that space that I'm talking about. Because even when you're doing ego work and the inner child work, not being seen, or feeling enough, feeling enough as a child, those reactions are still there, alive for you. So if you don't have that space, space, you're going to continue to choose those old reactions. So as you practice consciousness, that's what gives you that space in the world. So if we have a deep rooted feeling of not enough or not worthy, those are the two frequent iterations that come to us. Why should good things come to us? Why should they come to us? And it doesn't matter if logically you really want them. So they can be here and be happening in your world, in your subconscious world, and you can still be online and making the choices, not allowing them to make the choices. A good thing. if subconsciously you're an unworthy human being, you're not gonna get it.

That's why when people get it, they'll sabotage it and they'll lose it. This alone, this part of this interview is just gonna transform so many people's lives just by understanding the process. Because I think a lot of us try to just do breath work and think we're gonna get healed. Just think about our ego and healing trauma or the inner child work. But you need to do, it's like the process is so much clearer and I know you're gonna be writing about, right?

Yes.

So how do we come to a place of worthiness, of truly feeling and knowing we are enough and we are deserving of goodness in our life? How do we get to that place?

I usually do it in a two-fold process because I think the first layer of the process is...

I've got this in your book which I'm excited about but this process alone is gonna change a lot of lives. So I'm very grateful we're going through this. Is there another step to this pyramid.

Of healing, or is it the body, mind, and spirit? Well then I would ask you to draw a big circle around it and.

Say in repeat for life.

That makes sense. Just like a circle just keeps going. That's the final piece. And that's, I joke when I say that, but I observing all of the times you're telling yourself you're not enough all day and stopping that shit.

Meaning you can't stop it.

I'm joking when I say that. 'Cause you can't stop it. Observe it.

True though.

Wholeheartedly because just as much as I don't know where to start, I want to just work on one, observe it, your subconscious is going to give you that language, whatever it is. You know, we all have different languaging that we love to diminish ourself around. So whatever it is, the thing that you're, you're losing, a lot of people, myself included, want to hear when the end happens. When we're just done.

It's never done. Yeah. The healing journey is a lifelong journey.

Until the day you die. And just as much, right, if you do all this work and you get to this great place, if you're, you're not worthy, whatever your language is.

Replace that.

Replace it. Yeah, but you can't stop that. So I want to just acknowledge that this is another moment where you can become really shameful, frustrated. If you stop making these choices, if you let your body fall into disarray, you're right back into that dysregulated state before you know it, right? If you stop being conscious before you know it, you trigger into some other, like maybe it's different narratives or different habits that you're now living, but you're still living in a unconscious. Hey, how's the work's not working? Why is it still here? I know it's there. Turn it off. Nope. So I observe it being there. Yeah, but I don't.

You said something important earlier. I don't spend that much time in it. Yeah. What is the practice every day, then? Breath work slash meditation, prayer. And then what would the practice be on observing self thoughts in the mind? Is it kind of just an all-day practice?

Yeah.

So what I do. It's never stopping. So what I do is I show up and I do meditation every day. Just in a contained way, just to keep, I mean, so what most people do, subconsciously, this is why I'm gonna state a fact. Feelings have an end. They come and they go, you know, depending on mental exercise so that I can carry that then practice throughout my day. So I don't think on who you read or, you know, how many seconds it is or minutes it is or, you know, they come and they go. Now, not everyone has to have a structured meditation practice. I just think it's helpful, you know, to have that consistency every day, right? And to remind myself, okay, this is what you're about, Nicole, you're not. We do not allow them to go because I say we bring them up to our mental world and we need those thoughts that are so, some days my brain is much louder than other days all day long, depending on what's gymnastics for it. So if you then repeat, so if that thing happens in your environment, you're happening, sometimes I have resources to make new choices, you know, that I want to make, and some days I don't. Subconscious often offers you that the reason that that thing happened is because you're a loser, right? Which it probably still, I fall right back if I'm tired, if I'm hormonal, you know, sometimes I still react. We'll do. You can still show up consciously, say, oh, thank you, subconscious. Thank you for reminding me of that. But I'm not gonna. That's not how I am. That's not who I am. So I can now remove my in those old ways. So I keep a consistent daily practice as that mental training, as that I start my day in peace, and then I all day long. I try to be as conscious as possible. I've now learned, remember, I am someone who I just said a couple minutes ago, I spent my whole attention, put it anywhere else, what am I doing? Maybe I put my attention on my breath, just get it dissociated. I was on my spaceship. So this took me a long time to cultivate the ability. Get out of that script. Stop repeating it to yourself to simplify it. Because that's the difference between it going, so using your language of changing the script, or just removing your tendency to be present in my body and in my moments throughout my day. So this did not come overnight. And so all day long, then it became a practice of I learned to distinguish between when I'm not present, I learned how it feels in my body or in my interactions, like I could just from your thinking mind, ground yourself in your body, feel the room you're in, do those deep belly breaths, go for a walk and pay attention to your legs walking, as simple as that sounds, get out of your mind. because the more time you spend repeating, I'm a loser, I'm a loser, I'm a loser, now you are going to carry that feeling home. You are that. You might carry it in the next week. Some of us have lived in tell when I'm somewhere else now, because everything feels a little fuzzy, a little more distance, I maybe can't feel grounded in my body, and I can tell when I'm here. Obviously then I try to make the decision on more occasions to bring myself back into that conscious state, back into that presence. So then I do that all day.

Yes.

And then as I'm journeying about my day, I am gifted with teachers. I lived in the past of feelings.

That have originated decades ago.

Because we're repeating it. Because we're telling us that story. Because then the more we do that, the more we scan our environment of triggers, you know, meaning I, you know, tell myself stories and I can be observational then in those pivotal moments. Okay, why did this thing that this random stranger said or did to me become so upsetting for more and more evidence? So if I hit Something loser happened to me at lunch setting. And then I can start to uncover, oh, this is my ego still telling.

Me this story about myself.

Or, oh, this is my wounded child who really just wants to be seen in this moment. I'm probably going to find the loser thing that happened to me at dinner and right before bed. And again, I can really-- then it becomes a varied experience on the daily. But once you start a snowball rolling down a mountain in not a helpful way.

The first thing I was observing.

Conscious, then you can begin to navigate your daily life.

I have so many limiting beliefs in my own, passed on from my own upbringing, experiences I've had.

Still you have limiting beliefs?

I've overcome a lot of them and that's why I'm big time scarcity mindset.

Big time scarcity around relationships.

Everything.

I've noticed food. was one of my things. I didn't know until I started to explore some of my patterns and for me scarcity ran the entire thing.

What's the food?

Observe it.

What's the next thing?

Remove the focus from it.

Remove focus.

So this idea and it would come up in my big joke in my relationship a lot would be, you know, we would, we lived together and we'd have items in the food and the fridge and we'd shop together and we eat the same diet and I would go in and where's my half? And became incensed by where's my goddamn half of food?

I was like, why is this so upsetting to me?

Like I'm not with going without. There's...

Okay.

Without judgment.

Let me add that part in there. That's great. 'Cause this is where we get really judgmental of ourselves.

Of course.

And beat up.

Now we're a loser 'cause we had to lose.

I mean, I live in a brooches door next door. Literally three blocks I live. I can walk to a Whole Foods. Like there's no reason why when my half goes away, what was that about? And I started to realize the underlying driving thought of this was that scarcity. So my food, my things, lack of money, mindsets, or thought.

You know what I mean?

Okay. Was there anything out with the two steps?

Two steps and then remove, remove focus without judgment. And then this is where affirmation work can happen. If we want to start, so the two-- Replacing things like that.

So that was a really big one. I used to think genetically in some.

Ways, First we want to diminish the increase, I mean decrease the amount of.

Time I would see the way people and the way their bodies looked and how they were in the world. I was just, you know, not gifted. So I think that a lot of my own healing journey was overcoming that, which is why I'm so passionate now about helping other people because I think a lot of people are limiting time.

And the fallout of negative thinking that a lot of us have been over.

Practiced themselves based on again, These don't come out of nowhere. These mindsets, the way I see.

And then we can become impactful if you are someone who, I mean, affirmations what they are simply and you can.

See it at least. They all come from an accumulation, as I put it, of our past experiences.

Was there like, I was talking about this this morning about memories, about how really we have maybe five or six.

Thought. So then if you do start to practice telling yourself that I am worthy, that might have a chance over time of actually believing that. And then you might have a chance over time.

Maybe you tell me differently.

You're the psychologist, but I think we have like maybe five, six, maybe seven strong positive memories. Then we have five or six or seven like strong negative memories that we always kind of reflect back to and think about. And obviously there's filler memories, but I was trying, I was like, I don't really remember much from ages five.

Actually seeing instances in your environment. of your worthiness.

Yes.

But that doesn't work.

5 to 18 in between those 5 to 10 memories on each side. If I really focus on like, okay, what did I do in third grade when I was like 8 years old or whatever it was, every day you kind of forget like the 365 days in between the memories that we hold on to with these patterns. Is that kind of safe to say in my uneducated.

Yeah, 100%. What I would offer is The reason that you have...

This is why, in my opinion, affirmation work in of itself... One of those.

Really high positives and maybe really low negatives was because of the emotionality attached. So, the bigger the emotion, we tend to be able to retain those... Those memories. Those memories, because our memory center, our emotional center, our limbic system...

It's kind of called woo-woo, and a lot of people become frustrated and it doesn't work. And it won't because if you do, maybe you have a morning routine where you tell yourself some beautiful affirmations.

It's all interconnected. And a lot of the reasons why we encode and then can retrieve, essentially put the memory in and access it later is because of the emotionality.

How strong it was.

How strong it was.

So what were the memories you had, the experiences you had that created the limiting beliefs? Scarcity.

It's interesting you say this.

If for the rest of your day, as a lot of us are, you're back in your subconscious and you're not--.

Because then there's another category and this is where I fall and I actually diagnose myself.

Not practicing consciousness. The rest of the day, your subconscious might be reminding you of how not worthy you are. Yes. And that's why I don't think affirmations are as successful as they can be. So, until you start to remove that focus all day long and just be.

Consciously present to what is happening with the memory impairment for quite some years-- Memory impairment. Impairment based on the fact that I had no memory.

Stories.

I dated a girl that said she didn't remember anything between before 18 one time. I was like, she was super positive and amazing and loving, and I was.

Like, there's something without judgment. Then you can start to give yourself a chance at believing over time off.

If you don't remember anything before 18. Nothing.

I was like, how's that possible?

Time that I am worthy or whatever it is that you would prefer to believe of yourself.

Gotta be some serious trauma that you're right. And later I found out, like, there was incredible trauma.

We got the body, the next step, the mind. What's after the mind?

So once we understand, so once you've done a significant amount of time observing yourself, now you really can die.

I think societally, so there is that. So societal, so when I realized I had no memory, I had two theories.

Two working theories. Two working theories.

One was that I had such a cataclysmic trauma, you know, that I can't remember.

And that dive into the world. So like the deepest tip, if you will, of the work.

It washed all my memories and I spent a lot of time thinking and oh gosh, you know, what could it have been? And I keep coming up with, I don't, and then the other diagnosis that.

I gave myself was the whole world of the inner child, of the ego.

Of the wounds, a memory impairment. So anyway, flashing forward, I've now come.

To realize that we're carrying with us that are coloring our experiences in our environment. But you can't do that work, as a lot of us want to do, until you have these other tools.

I started to share when I got the Instagram platform. I started to talk a bit more openly about my lacelas.

Until you take care of your physical needs, the body, until you help with.

Breath work, of memories, I started to understand our nervous system and our stress responses a bit more. And I came to realize that more of then you would realize are like this ex of yours and myself that we don't have memories and it doesn't have to be, you know, a bio...

Meditation, calming the body, relaxing the body, then observing yourself, your thoughts, why you're reactive, why things are stressful for you. You can't heal the inner child or the ego until you do those first two.

Biological thing wrong in our brains and it doesn't have to be the big T is like The big T trauma that I think a lot of us talk about, the big cataclysmic event. I feel like you'd remember the trauma, but-- Right. Yeah, so sometimes it's a low lie or a low level stress, chronic stress, an inability to have emotions present in the home that results in that lack of memory. So, why is that?

Well, you won't, first and foremost, you won't be able to see it happen.

You're too stressed. To answer your question though, the way I came to know that I had a lot of my lack-based mindset-- Because.

You go, I say you're unconscious. unconscious. Back to our examples of our arguments, I'm unconsciously living in my past in that moment. So you can't really see to be observational, you need to be there in your conscious. You can't see what's happening.

That was because we still remember. So I have people who reach out to me and are like, oh my gosh, if I can't remember, how will I heal? So I don't have a visual memory. I can't go back in time and when I talk about inner child work and you go back to heal, you don't need the memory to heal. the way that I see it, because we all are a walking memory, whether it's in my habits, based on our.

You only see the reality that you're telling, what you're feeling, you're just feeling in that moment. So I'm upset that you hurt me. I'm upset that you. Yes.

What have you mean?

Right.

You're not actually observing what happened and what the story you told yourself was about the dish. Go back to that example that led you to be.

Reactions, our triggers, our patterns, the thoughts that we frequently think. So a lot of Maya would orbit around lack based or not having type of things, lack of consideration. So we can see evidence.

So in sense, the dish did nothing in this, in this example, right? The dish is just a dish on a table.

It's of our past, whether or not we see our past.

Yes. But when you saw that dish, you said something to yourself. You rehearsed, you went through.

So you were being, you know, for example, you were like, where's my food? My half is gone.

Or you took three fourths and I only have a fourth.

And so that's definitely like reflecting a memory of experiences or an experience you had that you held on to and said, I'm not deserving of them.

Drew some filter that then colored how you're feeling and then what happened next.

They don't care about me. They're abusing me.