The HARSH Truth About Dating Today! | Stephan Speaks & Lewis Howes

Real love, real connection is fast. That over time stuff is you're learning to tolerate each other, you're becoming attached to each other, you're becoming conditioned to each other's presence. It's not actual love. I can never encourage someone to remain in a toxic situation, all right. I do think that we can take an approach that says let's see if we can work this out, let's give them a little bit of grace here. And the main thing is can we achieve progress, all right. Rome isn't built in a day and if we've been behaving or we've been tolerating this dysfunction for so many years we can't expect it to be perfect tomorrow. But are you willing to at least start to walk on that path and make progress? Though I don't want to encourage divorce I cannot feel comfortable telling people to stay trapped in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to face their issues. If you have freed yourself from that you have healed they've got to be willing to make a move. And here's the problem, people are afraid to heal or people are afraid to face the issues that requires them to heal, all right. Because you have to... It's like I remember a quote I'm probably saying it wrong. To heal you have to face the.

Pain or you have to dive into.

The pain something like that, all right. So, people understand it's painful to go and revisit your past. It's painful to let those emotions you've suppressed all these years come back out. And so, now your fear of healing or facing the process of healing is.

Greater than your fear of losing this person, all right.

And they think because you're married to them you're not going anywhere.

You're stuck for life.

Exactly, so for that reason that's not enough incentive to face their fear of facing their issues. The only thing that may get them to do it is the threat of divorce or is the actual divorce happening. Again, it's not that I wanted to get to that point I hope and pray everyone can avoid that but the reality is some people won't get it together until there's a real consequence on the table and that will be divorce in that situation.

So, okay, let's say someone's like you know what, I feel like I'm good it's never been about me it's been about everyone else it's their problems that why the relationship doesn't work.

I got to stop you real quick because this is like hitting my spirit I got to say.

Give it to me.

The other thing to consider is that some people will never change, they will never heal. And the reality is that the person you're with is the wrong person and the only reason you got with them is because you were broken. Had you not been damaged in the first place then you may not be with this individual.

Because you wouldn't have chose someone like this if you were coming from a healed place.

Exactly, and if you were healed you would have been your true self Your true self may not have aligned with this individual. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't circumstances where people still end up with the right person when they were both not healed. I do think that's possible to happen. But a lot of people I would argue the majority when you... Because I always say if you're not healed you are 99% likely to choose the wrong person. So, I do still strongly believe that the majority of people are with the wrong individual and that's marriage, relationship, whatever. Because that brokenness, that damage...

Attracted something else that was wrong.

Exactly, and allowed you to tolerate it or it allowed you to feel safer in that environment. Here's the thing that people don't realize when you have not healed, if you were to get with a healthy person it would essentially demand of you from the jump to basically heal or step your game up. And again, people are afraid to face their issues. So, to get with another broken person subconsciously it validates me staying broken. It validates me not having to face my issues because now we all have issues, you see. As long as we all have issues I don't have to face mine. But if you have corrected yours how can I validate my own?

Wow, what's your issues?

My issues?

The coach always has an issue somewhere. What's your biggest fear or insecurities around being in a relationship or finding the right person or dating or...

So, okay I'll say fear and I'm being very transparent I've never said this to anyone else, all right?

I know you haven't. Your biggest fear.

My biggest fear has been can I remain focused and fulfilled in the relationship long term past a certain time? Meaning, okay, I have no doubts five years in, ten years in I'm still good. But when it hits year 15 this is different. And again, it's because of one, I think a lot of people the issue that we have is specifically even with monogamy. Not saying that I'm going to be going out there cheating but I always say the issue with monogamy is that people struggle to maintain monogamy. And we struggle to maintain monogamy because we don't maintain who we fell in love with. All right, what do you mean by that? Meaning that person that I brought you and you brought to me that made us feel like this is it. It's different, it's different now. The thing is though, it can be maintained if it's the true you. Problem is a lot of people aren't being their true self on the jump. So, that creates a difference right there. Also, is there a willingness to grow together and that needs communication, that means connection has to be there. A lot of people have not gotten with that person they have a connection with. So, this is where for me there's fear but there's peace in knowing that I do believe if I'm willing to do my part to maintain who she falls in love with, all right. Whoever that woman is when that day happens, I'm willing to do that and that goes spiritually, mentally, physically, I have no problem sticking to the recipe that worked. And I'm confident in one end because I say you know what, I believe in connection and I believe that that's the missing ingredient. When I look at these relationships that have failed and haven't made it past that 10 year, 15 year mark I do think that the reason is connection was not there in most cases.

So, chemistry was there.

Chemistry may have been there at one point.

Compatibility.

Compatibility based on what they were presenting at one point may have been there but again, was it true compatibility they weren't being their true self and if they had not found their true self yet But connection was not there. And I think a lot of people get with each other based off the hype and that's the reason why I'm such a stickler on okay, I have to make sure I wait for connection because I want to make it past those 15 years. I want to make it for the long haul. I want to be a representation of what I speak about. I want people to look at my relationship and say I don't want it to be that fake relationship that people think is good. It's actually horrible behind closed doors. No, I want us to be amazing. to everyone and inspire them. So, I have to wait for connection and me being a man of God I have to wait for that spiritual guidance that says this is the one that I can pray about this and God tells me she's it. Because you know, there's a lot of beautiful amazing women out there but everyone's not for us. And so, I think it's important to understand who aligns with you especially as a man when you're walking in your purpose. And that's why it's so important for men to find their purpose because if you don't know where you're headed in life you don't know who belongs on that path with you. So, you've got to make sure that you know yourself, you know the direction you're walking in and now you can see what woman can align with you and you guys can walk together as a unit and make it something amazing.

What's your definition of chemistry, connection, and compatibility?

All right, so, chemistry to me is the art of getting along flowing with each other, all right. Chemistry can be created it can be destroyed. Think about it from a team sports perspective you can put players together and they have to build team chemistry. So, through repetition, through practice they can get to a point of having chemistry. Yes, some people have instant chemistry, all right. But just as it was instant it can also be broken.

Instantly.

Exactly, you know we can start to not get along and not flow with each other very easily things can get in the way. And again, this happens even in team sports or even in the corporate arena where you have team building exercises but then things happen that destroy the structure of the business.

So, that's chemistry.

That's chemistry.

How important is chemistry?

It is still very important it is not the most important and I say that to mean chemistry has to be in every relationship for it to work and flourish. But it does not set the stage for everything else. All right, connection sets the stage for everything else. So basically, if you have connection, you will be able to have chemistry and compatibility. But now let's talk about compatibility. I believe compatibility is a very logic-based structure of putting two people together. It's also about we're compatible in the sense that we share values, all right? So again, you can meet someone that you are quote unquote compatible with. You guys share similar values, you guys come from even maybe the same kind of cultures. There could be a lot of things that make you guys compatible on paper.

But then... What is real compatibility?

Well, to me that is real compatibility so to speak is that yes, you guys on paper are a good fit, all right. And you guys should work. But again, without connection it won't matter. So, I would argue that a lot of marriages let's even talk about arranged marriages Some of them were built on compatibility. Well, this person came from the right family so, we like this, they have a good job, they have a good education, they would be a good fit here, they share the same values. But when those two people are really alone with each other, it doesn't always hit. Which is why if you go on an online dating site, it can match two people together that are compatible on paper.

Interesting.

But in person, it doesn't always play out the same.

Because what is missing?

The chemistry or more importantly, the connection.

And sometimes we might be tricked, oh we feel the spark of chemistry, but you may not have connection, is that true?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

So you might say, oh we're compatible on paper, everything, we have the same values, we want the same things for our life and marriage and kids and where our family's gonna be. We have compatibility, we have chemistry, there's some type of spark here. I feel like, ooh, there's a little something down here.

Yes, and we get along and we know the flow of each other.

That's amazing. But you're saying if we can't find true connection or if there isn't connection can connection be created?

No, and so, that's the huge distinction to me with connection. Connection cannot be created nor can it be destroyed. It's either there or it's not. There's nothing you can do to build connection. You can build a stronger bond, you can create a stronger attachment to each other but that still doesn't mean connection is there. And You see this play out in situations where you have people who could meet each other right now, have this amazing connection. Something happens where they fall apart, they come back together years later, 10, 20 years later and it's like they never stopped talking. It just falls right back into place. It's connection, it's a deeper thing that's occurring there. To me, connection is your spirit recognizing its match. It is something that is happening beneath the surface, all right. Which is why many people who have felt connection, you can't always explain it. Connection does not always line up with the logic of compatibility. It's not always oh, well, it makes sense because of this. No, no, no, it's just there. You just feel something with this person, you feel drawn to them, it's so much deeper than anything you've ever felt. And consider this, you can be compatible with tons of people. You can have chemistry with tons of people. You do not feel connection with a bunch of people. Period, if we were to survey people who have felt a connection in their life, you'd be lucky to find many who can say two times.

Wow.

The majority will say it's a one-time occurrence that has happened to them, all right. And being able to have that again, it's very difficult. Now, I don't want anyone listening to be discouraged if they did not end up with the person they had a connection with. I'm not saying it's impossible for it to happen a second time, but I will say that if you surveyed people you would have a hard time finding that many people that say it said it happened twice.

When does someone know it's connection and not chemistry? Because I feel like you might be tricked. We have this incredible connection, we understand each other, we get each other, I can't explain it, but I feel something. That feeling might be also chemistry at the same time, right? It might be masking if it's really connection or chemistry. How do you know if it's true connection over Man, this is desire, connection, attraction, all these things happening at once.

One, can you truly be yourself with this person? Oh, that's big, all right. Because again, a lot of people they go on these dates they're bringing their representative and the chemistry happens on a surface level with the representatives that both sides are bringing. But when you actually show your true self now what happens? And a lot of people have not done that with their partner or the person that they're getting to know. So, again, you're falling into the hype of the chemistry or the compatibility, but you're not discovering true connection being there. So, you've got to be able to be yourself because real connection loves you at the core, all right. You can show me all the parts of you, I still want you, all right. Number two is can we enjoy each other with no distractions? All right, again, what people fail to understand and this can happen with chemistry is that we're bonding based off of the activity or the things in our environment. Meaning, all right, we love going out together and we do all these fun stuff and we're doing all these things and that's great, all right. We know how to have fun together but can we be alone in a room, no TV, no distraction, no phone, just us and still love being with each other. A lot of people People can't say that. A lot of people are only able to be in their relationship and tolerate their partner and I use that word strongly tolerate their partner because they have enough distractions in life. They have kids, they have work, they have all these other things going on.

TV, video games, man caves, whatever it is.

Exactly, all these things that pull them away from their partner that doesn't allow them to face the fact that no, you really don't like each other at the core. Man, And so, that is a huge sign of connection. That's why like one thing I suggested in one of my books was go on a road trip. And it's just a random suggestion but go on a road trip for at least six hours, no phone, no distraction just you and them talking. Will you still be happy after those six hours? A lot of people can't make it that far in a car ride with their partner, all right. A lot of people cannot be in a room alone with their partner and nothing else to take their attention. So, you've got to you've got to really push those boundaries to see what do we really have here if this is really going to be called a connection.

Right, and your fear is are you able to grow together after 10, 15 years? Is that one of the main things?

So, it's you know, it's hard to you know, you never can look that far ahead you know and we don't know what's in store may not be here tomorrow. Exactly, It's a concern of can we still give that same energy? And it's both sides because again, I'm not saying I'm not perfect. So, even though I'm confident that I could do it what if there's something that throws me off? You know, it's just that yes, as time goes on there's that test of really putting your best foot and bringing that same energy that you brought in the beginning. Now, again, I think I'm holding myself to a higher standard that I think most people do because I think that a lot of people's mentality is well, things change, things are going to be different. It's okay, so what? You don't go out as much anymore. People think like this but they don't realize that's why your relationship is deteriorating. I don't want a deteriorated relationship. So, when I think about yes, can I be with someone past 10-15 years if I accept a level of mediocrity? Of course, But we don't want that. Exactly, I'm saying can we maintain excellence.

After these 10-15 years?

Skillman.

Exactly. Happiness, all these things because to me what is the point of being here if we don't have it, if we're not operating at our highest level?

What about the saying that I hear whether this is a meme or this is women saying this online Maybe you know the line better than me. If he can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best.

I hate that line. I absolutely hate it. And I hate it because it has turned into validation for not addressing your flaws and issues, all right. I agree with it from the standpoint of you've got to be able to handle your partner's worst moments, all right. Because we're going to all have moments, we're going to all fall, we're all going to make a mistake, it's going to happen. Over time, that's just the way it is. But when you are essentially trying to say I have a horrible flaw and you should accept it even when I want to consistently make you deal with it. No, that's not going to work for me. I can't accept that. that's not okay. And so, a lot of people that's.

What they're turning it into. That's you not taking accountability and responsibility for growth. Exactly. Going back to okay, this is where I'm at I don't want to address it you just have to accept it.

And or don't be with me.

Exactly, you know it reminds me of like once upon a... I don't know if they still say it but I know at one time people would say arguing is healthy for a relationship, all right.

I disagree. I don't know if I agree I.

Understand that Yeah, I just don't like that.

No, at all.

Can you communicate with... We don't agree on this, but do you have to argue?

Exactly, that's my thing. Disagreement is acceptable disrespect is not, all right.

So, say it one more time.

Disagreement is acceptable disrespect is not, all right. So, my thing is yes, it's okay and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives we can bounce ideas off each other, we simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments. But arguing, arguing says we are being disrespectful, whether our tone is negative, the words that we're using you know, we're getting loud, we're getting angry, we're basically throwing negative energy at our partner. That's not healthy, there's nothing healthy about that. But A lot of people will say that because they want to validate the unhealthiness in their relationship. They don't want to face the issue of I need to learn how to talk to my partner better. I don't want to have to fix my tone. Why do I have to watch what I say? Because that's what an adult does. Wow, all right grow up, you know. Like, I'm sorry to anyone listening to this but that's just real. We can't just think it's okay especially with our partners to speak however we want to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay. Because what people are not realizing is all it takes is that one really bad argument to plant a seed of negativity that now grows into something worse in the relationship. A lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment. It's the culmination of all kinds of things before then. It's the buildup from that last time you disrespected me or made me feel some kind of way and ever since then I've resented you. And now in this resentment I've given you an attitude. You didn't know what the attitude was about because I didn't communicate clearly. Now, you're giving me attitude and now you see how it turns into other things. Now, that attitude turns into not having sex with each other. That attitude turns into okay, the way that we talk to each other in general. Maybe becoming secretive because now we don't feel like dealing with each other anymore. And what you don't realize is it started from disrespectful arguing, all right. It can also start from some other stuff, all right. But arguing is a huge problem for a lot of people and we can't just keep sweeping under the rug. So, going back to your point about the whole take me at my worst. Yes, worst moment. You can have a moment.

Always like this and once in a while a good attitude.

Exactly, consistent negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected.

So arguments are disrespect, but disagreements is okay.

Is that what you said?

Yes, disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not.

Yes.

So you can always disagree and you can agree to disagree.

Yeah.

Or you can, is that right? Agree to disagree?

Yeah, agree to disagree.

But what I'm hearing you say is that arguing, saying what's on your mind in an angry, aggressive way, tearing down a partner is never going to do anything good for someone.

Exactly, people have to understand whenever someone feels attacked they will defend themselves. Even if they know they're wrong, even if the point you're making is actually solid, the way you're coming at them negates their ability to receive it. That's why even me as a speaker, my focus has been do I want to be heard or do I want people to receive my message, all right. If I want to be heard I can speak however I want, I can be blatant with with the insults, I can cut people down, I can just make jokes of everybody's situation because it's entertainment. I just want to be hurt. But no, I want people to receive it. And if I want people to receive it, I have to be more considerate, more compassionate, I have to check my tone, I have to be careful with my words. And that's why if people watch my videos they'll see I try to be very careful with my words because I want you to receive what I'm saying. So, if we're in a relationship we have to take that approach. If you want them to hear you be mindful of how you're talking to them.

Why is it so hard for people?

Because again, they don't want to face the... Or they don't want to do the work of correction, all right. And the work of correction can entail the healing and again, facing those issues. It's also conditioning if people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other it's very hard to change that.

Yeah, yeah.

It's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way. It's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen, all right. So, now they have to reprogram themselves and that's a lot of work. And I think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong. People don't like to face that they were wrong. They don't want to have to accept that so it's no, I have to dig an even deeper hole and stick with this whole negative approach of how I do things because no, there's nothing wrong with this. or I see other people do it.

You know, they're fine. No, they're not fine.

They're not okay, you know. So, I think those reasons, they just overall, they don't want to have to do the work. And so, they rather make excuses for it.

So, it sounds like again, we go back to step one, healing. If you can learn to heal, you can start to improve the quality of your choices dating someone in a relationship or getting out quicker. you can be a more effective communicator in relationships, whether you're dating or in a long-term committed relationship. You can have a better relationship overall with yourself when you heal and with someone else. So can you give me a breakdown, a boot camp 101 on how to recognize what you need to heal and then how to start healing that? What does that look like for someone? Okay, I need to heal, Stefan. What do you mean by that? how do I do it? How do I get started? How long does it take to get healed?

Okay.

Is this a lifelong journey?

Is this overnight? What does it look like? All right, so first thing, how long does it take to heal? It's going to take as long as you're willing to put into work. Healing is not a time thing, it's a work thing. So, when you hear people say time heals all wounds no, it doesn't. Time alone doesn't heal a damn thing, all right. It can help it does aid in the process but by itself it is no good. you have to take certain steps. So, when people think well, I'm going to take a year off from relationships to heal, why a year? And if you're not doing the work in that year that year means nothing and that's what happens to a lot of people. They took a year off but what they did was they hid from the world, they hid from relationships. They went in their corner, all right, and distracted themselves but they never healed. Now, they come back out of that year and they're still the same person.

Or maybe they're not the same... Maybe the first few months of dating they're a little different but then they fall.

Back into the same.

Exactly. because they never resolve things at its core. Now, in terms of recognizing what to heal my first step is called the who Hurt Me list, all right. So, you get a piece of paper you write down a piece of paper who hurt me. And now, every person who comes to mind you write them down on the piece of paper. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened, doesn't matter if you think you've moved past it, if you think it's not relevant, if they come to mind then there's some level of relevance there. put them on the paper in about a sentence or two of what they did to hurt you, all right. This is how we're going to start to locate what you've been holding on to. But you really got to go into this exercise very genuine. You can't be trying to control the narrative. You just got to let yourself feel just ask yourself the question, close your eyes, let it come out.

What's the question they should ask? Who hurt me?

That's it.

Who?

That's it.

And what if they're like, I can only think of like three people that really hurt me Should they be thinking of like every instant they can think of from childhood of that one comment or should this be this person punched me in the face?

Anybody who comes to mind. So, I don't want them to force it but I don't want them to undermind it in any kind of way either. Just whoever comes to mind put them on the paper because even if there's a situation where you forgot somebody, if we tackle the big one you're not going to be able to escape the big ones. The big ones are going to come out they're going to come to mind. If we can tackle those, then that might set the stage where everything else gets taken care of naturally. Sure, sure. All right? Because now your awareness is going to be there and your level of healing.

Will allow you to see things differently. Because really the big ones might be the ones that cause the most pain and if you heal that, the other.

Ones are just a pattern of the pain. Exactly. And you will also start to perceive those situations differently once you heal from the bigger ones.

Okay, so that's step one. Take a piece of paper, write it out, how long should this take? A few minutes, a few hours, depending.

Depending on the person because you know, for some people it's going to get heavy. It's going to get heavy and that might cause them to want to pause and take a step back. But I would encourage them do not like walk away from it completely. Stick to it but it can be as quick as a few minutes. Maybe it takes an hour because they may get emotional in the process but just don't run from it.

Chemistry can be created. All right, and again, so using the whole basketball analogy a team comes together you can build chemistry we can learn how to work together we can learn how to coexist so to speak. But that doesn't mean we really like each other at its core, all right. There's the difference. So, you can have a team where the players learn to play together but.

They still hate each other, all right.

So, they had chemistry.

But no connection.

But not connection.

Exactly, when you have connection in relationship that is way more important to chemistry because the connection will bring the chemistry. We don't got to worry about the chemistry part. When two people have a connection they learn.

It's like that.

Exactly.

And it's a rare thing again, we don't experience that with everybody. It's something that happens... It's rare to find someone who can say they've had that deep genuine connection more than two times in their life. If even twice, all right. It's usually once. To be honest with you.

Wow.

But I'm going to give it two.

Times and yes, there are going to.

Be some people out there that say.

Well, there's billions of people in world?

Why could it's not about yes, is it technically possible? Maybe so, but you're not going to come across billions of people in the world. You're only going to come across a certain amount of individuals and in that group of people yes, you're only going to find that connection maybe once or twice. And once you get there like once somebody sets the bar that high in your life, it is very hard.

Yeah, you have to re-find that.

Exactly, you're not going to feel comfortable.

Anymore going beneath that. If you do you're going to find yourself not at peace and very miserable in your relationship.

-Wow. -Connection balance, is there anything else or is those really the main two things and everything else is figure out?

-The last thing I'm going to throw in is attraction. And the reason I throw it in is because I feel like in this world we try to shame people for putting a focus on attraction. And to me, it's not about looks. Looks is about Specifically saying you have to look like this, you have to be this tall, you have to have this body shape. I'm not saying look, I'm saying attraction. We have to be physically drawn to each other. That's the last ingredient that takes a relationship from platonic to romantic. And that's the ingredient that if you remove it will make a romantic relationship. Exactly, friends, roommates. You got people living together.

No sexual chemistry.

Exactly, because why the attraction is gone? But if you bring it back into that relationship see how quickly things change. That is the ingredient so, we have to be willing to embrace the fact of yes, attraction is necessary one, when we first meet each other and we need that to be more drawn to each other but then to maintain and sustain that great relationship. We can't make excuses for letting ourselves go and understand there's a difference between aging and letting yourself go. A lot of people are letting themselves go making excuses for it. I understand life hits us it's tougher as we get older yes, but you got to work to maintain attraction in your relationship. You let that go to the wayside.

I'm friends.

Exactly.

How important is sex in a relationship?

Hugely important.

This is coming from a guy who's abstinent, right?

Yeah, right. Well, you know what to me I.

Say hugely important from the standpoint of.

I think people have to look at.

Sex not just from the stand from the perspective of pleasure but from the perspective of bonding. I believe it is an opportunity for two people to grow closer together and when two people know how to truly satisfy each other it creates an amazing bond.

Deeper connection, better balance, more attraction.

Yes, all of it.

Keeps it going.

Exactly, because if you have two unsatisfied people sexually you're going to have a problem. You can't find a relationship where that exists and they're all happy and everything's great it doesn't work that way. People crave intimacy, people crave that level of bonding with each other. And yes, biologically speaking we can talk about the needs of a man and a woman and all these things but I think even going deeper spiritually and all that sex is important and we are not taking enough of a mature approach to understanding and learning sex. I think people are very much behind in their understanding of it.

Especially in America, it's like we weren't educated.

Exactly.

It's a very like hush hush type of thing. It's not talked about in schools. Your parents, at least most parents aren't talking about it. And so it's like the moment and it's like let me say something to just get it out and then let them figure it out.

And not just that, a lot of our parents don't know either. Right. Like people just don't take time to get more educated on their bodies. on sex, on true sexual satisfaction. There's a lot of lies going on I tell people all the time listen, a lot of women aren't being sexually satisfied, all right. But they're lying to their friends, they're lying to their partners. So, there's a perception that everything is all good. No, it's not. There's a huge disconnect between the reality or the perception of women's sexual satisfaction and the reality of women's sexual satisfaction. and that contributes to a disconnected marriages. Because again, if the woman is not satisfied she now becomes less willing to be sexually involved with her husband. Now, he starts to gain resentment, he starts to feel neglected.

He starts to wander.

Exactly, snowballs from there. We can't overlook that and act like everything's going to be fine and we can't say well, you should love them enough to where it doesn't matter. Listen, we're talking about maintaining a committed relationship, that's a part of it plain and simple. And we have to learn how to make it better on both sides and how to be more honest with each other. I think if we can learn to be more honest and transparent then we can work on the things that are lacking. But people again, they feel very uncomfortable speaking about sex, speaking about their needs and constructively criticizing their partners. We have to learn because you don't.

Want to hurt someone yeah. So how often should we be talking about our sexual needs in an intimate relationship? Should it be like once a month we sit down and like schedule an hour?

Is it like pillow talk every week?

Like what should be, again, everyone's different, but what do you think is an appropriate amount of time?

Yeah, I think it depends. So what jumps in my head, I would say every three months if I had to put a number on it, all right? But I do think it depends on the couple. I think more so it's when an issue arises, talk about it.

The key is we have to create.

Environments where we can have those talks. See, again, we're laying the wrong foundations in our relationships to where we can't have these open discussions about sex and other things lacking in our relationship. And we're afraid to push our partners away, we're afraid to ruffle the feathers or rock the boat. But if you can't talk to them.

We resent things, right?

Exactly and what happens is you hold it in and now the negative energy comes out in other ways. And now they're confused because they're like, why are they giving me this attitude? And they're thinking like I said earlier, he's thinking it's about the towel. No, it's not about the towel. It's really about something else that you're not telling him. So, we need to be more honest and transparent and we need to create.

An environment where we can have this.

Talk and you're not going to take it personally to where you're going to internalize it or allow it to now throw our relationship off because you're getting upset. and you're allowing it to have a negative impact. No, take it as okay, that's how you feel, cool, let's work on this. How can we make this better? We have to be serious about tending to the needs of our partner if we're going to have successful relationships.

There's so many divorces happening, it's higher than ever, right? I think it's the divorce attorney on who's talking about how it's higher than ever. There's also even more people who stay married who probably shouldn't be divorced, who aren't happy. And so it sounds like there's a very small percentage of married people who've been together for many years who are actually still thriving in relationship. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's more, but it sounds like it, right? There's a very small percentage that are having these incredible long-lasting marriages and relationships that have the attraction and connection and balance and all these things. Why do you think that is? and how can we decrease the number of failed relationships? Or is that the wrong question to ask?

No, I think it's a good question. I think one we have to understand marriage is not the issue it's marrying the wrong person and marrying for the wrong reasons, all right. And then underlying to those things is the lack of healing because it's the lack of healing that leads us into these wrong relationships and allows us to entertain situations we should not entertain. because again, for example, if you're a guy or a woman, if you've been through some things and now you think you don't deserve that great person, that great relationship because your perception of yourself is low. Now, you're going to just latch on to whoever comes around who says I want to be with you and willing to give you what you want at that moment. And you're thinking okay, this is safe, this will work. Let me go ahead and go with it but you're never truly into them like that it's never going to be the relationship it needs to be.

All right.

But that all stemmed from your lack of self-worth because you didn't heal from whatever traumatized you emotionally before.

So, how do we heal first? What's that process look like?

So, it's a long process and I.

Do plan on I have a book.

I'm working on right now called Finding Love After Heartbreak and it's going to.

Lay out the entire process.

But so, I'll give a little bit right now and I'll save the rest for later. So, one thing is first we got to get the hurt out. And so, I have this exercise I do at all my events called the who who hurt me list. And so, you get a piece of paper by a hundred people like oh.

Motherfucker, I have this.

Ask yourself the question who hurt me? And now, every person who comes to mind write them on that paper. Doesn't matter if you think you moved past it, doesn't matter if you think it's small and insignificant. If they came to mind when you asked yourself that question put them on the list.

Anyone in your life, from a child, a friend, to your parents, to a.

Lover, anyone, anyone, anything if they come to mind put them on that list. because that's how we start to recognize the pain points in your life. Now, we see okay, this is where it's coming from. A lot of people have suppressed what has happened to them. And so, you can't address and resolve something that you're not willing to accept existing your life. And the reality is that just because it was 10 years ago, 20 years ago, it's still lingering within you and it's causing a lot of problems and it causes a lot of emotional stress which then turns into physical ailments and it just snowballs tension, anxiety, fear, depression, yeah, all right.

A lot of these things that we.

Go through in mental health stems from things that we have not resolved from our past, all right. And it's just all contributing to the issues that we're experiencing in the now and some of us we may not be experiencing the issues right now but we will it's coming. It's just festering in you and it's going to come out at some point.

So, write a list, and think about those moments and reflect on them or.

What'S... Well, no so at that point once you get the list now we can see the first person and I won't go too much further but let's.

Just say you're going to have to.

Go through a process of getting things off your chest. We have not released these things from our spirit, from our system and we need to essentially emotionally detox. And to do that you've got to get it out. So, whether you speak into a recorder write a letter something like I said.

Scream into a pillow or anything, right?

Yeah, but I do want like a full release.

Again, we don't fully release.

Would you release each person or just everyone at one time?

So, I would say this, you want to start with let's say your top three. Now, I've had clients where they did.

Their top three and that kind of.

Once they got through those they were able to process everyone differently to where it wasn't necessary to do everyone else, all right. Now, if you have 10 significant experiences and 10 significant different people that need to be addressed Yes, you may have to release with 10 different people. So, it depends on the person and that's why something like this requires a more in-depth process. We got to talk about things, we got to understand what about it did you internalize how you're seeing it? Because some of it is changing your mindset, changing your perception of what happened, understanding that it wasn't about you. Like we said earlier, hurt people hurt people. And so, once you understand that and understand how they behave and why they behave the way they do it changes how you look at things. and how you internalize those situations. So, there's so much more we got to get into but just getting at.

Least that list started.

Yes, because now you at least get to see okay, here's where it is. Here's what needs to be addressed. Now, let me get help to address these things and start the process of healing so that I'm not ending up in more bad situations or bad relationships.

Repeating the process. Let's say you've dealt with the hurt and it takes you know, it takes to the time that it takes you and you've gone through all that, how do you manifest and attract a partner that you want to be with that has those three keys, the connection, the attraction and the balance that you feel like is the one could be one of the ones, how do you set yourself up to attract that incredible partner?

So one, you got to be yourself. So finding yourself is number one, all right. You can't connect with someone if they're connecting with the fake you, all right. That's a false connection. So, you have to discover who you are become confident in that stand strong in it. Now, who is drawn to that person you know it's real, all right. And so, that's where we begin. Two, you need to exude positive energy, all right. To me, And this is... I think this is very important for women, all right. Because the reality is that it's men or the type of men that a lot of women want aren't going to be drawn to a negative woman. No. There's millions of good women but that doesn't mean they're positive women, all right. And it's that lack of positive energy that holds them back more than they realize.

Really? Yes, and... Just like even just saying negative things throughout the day they might be a good person but if they're always complaining or negative.

Exactly and not even just what they say again, it's how they're coming off.

Because facial energy, their body language.

Yes, it's like so look at it like this I tell people all the time it's not what you say it's how you make them feel, all right. So, you can say all the wonderful things you want but if in your presence they don't feel at ease, they don't feel peace, they don't feel that.

Positivity that's still going to throw everything off.

If you say nice things but you.

Have a frown Exactly, what's the point?

Exactly, exactly. And what a lot of women aren't realizing is that their energy is off because they have walls up. They're so scared, they're so fixated on protecting themselves.

Because they've been hurt in the past.

Exactly, haven't healed from those things.

But I tell people all the time.

The same walls you have up to protect you are the same walls blocking your blessings, all right. So, you don't realize you're restricting your ability to love and be loved. because you're walking in fear, all right. You can't walk in fear and expect all these wonderful things to happen. It doesn't work that way. Even in business, the ones who succeed are the ones who put the fear aside and say, I'm going to have faith and push forward no matter what, no matter how it looks in front of me, no matter how many people tell me you're doing the wrong thing, get a regular job, whatever. No, you believe what you need to do and you push forward past that fear. it's the same thing with relationships you have to push forward in faith not fear if you want to receive that great relationship. And so, yes, this can happen with men as well. I don't want men thinking they can carry around a bunch of negative energy and they're going to get a great relationship. But I do think it shoots women in the foot more because here's the other thing that people don't talk about a lot and some people may not.

Like this but I'm just going to keep it real.

Yeah, for sure.

It pulls women away from their feminine energy. And they're not positive. When they're not positive. and when they're holding on to these fears and have these walls up and it's the feminine energy that makes the woman so powerful. That is what... That's the tool that is at her disposal that can make the world her oyster, all right. But women have become very detached from their femininity and the thing is this.

If you... A lot of women will.

Say they're not feminine they're just not that way. I dispute that in most situations no, you become detached from it, you become uncomfortable with it, due to again, a lack of healing and due to experiences in your life. Now, if you are more masculine so to speak and you are happy that way then by all means continue to live your life as you are. But if you're not seeing things work for the way that you want them to and you're in that energy that more masculine energy or more further away from your feminine then consider making a switch. Consider at least trying it. See the difference and what I find with a lot of women is that not only is it beneficial to them as far as Relationships wise, it's beneficial in the quality of their life. For their health, their health, their peace, their work, you name it. I have a client she's a doctor at a big hospital and when she came to me she was frustrated with relationships, ready to give up on men. Nobody liked her at work she was just a hard tough manager. So, we worked on her energy, we worked on healing, we got her energy, we got her to embrace more feminine energy. she will swear by it right now. In one month her whole hospital starts to love her. Now, they're all helpful whether they were women or men. Men started coming out the woodworks, all right.

Let me get your number, girl. Let me get that, girl.

Yeah.

She ended up meeting her soon to be fiancé on the airplane two months after we started doing the coaching.

So, what were the shifts that she made every single day? Like, what was the things that she said okay, I'm going to not be.

This way I'm going to start trying this. It was just it was one being more conscious of your energy. I think number one, we have to be mindful of the energy we're giving off. We become so distracted by our issues that we're facing in the world, by our responsibilities, we're not always in tune with what we're giving off. So, to give an example and this is just a small one even for me as a man, I work out a lot. When I come out the gym I started to notice I'm very tense, my face is you know, hard.

Exactly.

So, I've learned to when I walk out the gym take a deep breath, relax the body, relax the muscles and the energy completely changes, all right. Because yes, you can become very intimidating as a man just like you can become very intimidating as a woman. And so, you have to be mindful of are you making yourself more approachable?

Are you allowing people to feel more.

Comfortable being around you? And so, that starts with being mindful of it, being conscious of it. And one great way to do that is get an accountability partner, all right. Tell someone who has the ability to.

Be positive because you don't want to.

Pick a negative person to be your accountability partner it's going to throw everything off. But you pick a positive person and you say hey listen, whenever I'm being negative, whenever I'm giving that bad energy let me know because now when they tell you you won't always realize when you're doing it at least not at first. But once they start calling you out now, you become more mindful of it. Now, you can take hold of it and control it and now you master what energy you're giving off at certain times. And that changes everything.

Wow. When someone feels like they found the one, and I've heard this a lot, like, I know this is the one, or I thought they were the one, and then it didn't end up working out, and they want to get married, they've decided marriage is for them. They want to be life partners. What are a few of the conversations that they should have? to not know for certain but know for better certain that this is the right decision. This partnership is the right decision to move forward in a long-term committed relationship.

Okay.

As opposed to just maybe the infatuation behind it or the initial connection or the attraction. What are a few questions they should be asking each other that maybe they haven't asked yet to know whether or not they're setting themselves up for that successful long-term relationship.

Okay.

Number one, how do you envision your role in a marriage, all right. People don't go in finding out what the expectations are before they get married. They have this assumption that we're just going to transition from how we are in a relationship to being that way in the marriage. No, no, no, no, no. Because a lot of times things change and the level of expectation raises now in marriage. You also have some people who may think for example, you may have a man out there who thinks okay, my job is to court you when we're boyfriend and girlfriend. When we're married. When we're married, I don't got to do all that work anymore. Now, I'm your husband, I've given you the ring, satisfy me, make me happy. You got to find that out because you're setting yourself up for failure if you don't realize he thinks he gets to take time off now that he's married you or he may think as long as I'm paying these bills don't ask me for anything else. You got to find out so, we need to ask what do you... She.

Should be asking that.

Yeah, both of them should be asking. How do you perceive your role in marriage? What are your expectations from me in marriage? Let's find out what we need, what we're expecting from each other. Number two, making sure our values are aligned, all right. So, whether that be spiritual, whether that be even financial values, whatever those things are let's make sure we're on the same page about it. And if we're not on the same page are these things we can balance out and work out, all right. So, for example, if let's look at it from a financial perspective. If I'm a very frugal man and this woman is a spender.

I have friends in this situation and it's not good.

And I'm sure they didn't talk about it in advance. You want to talk about these things.

And say okay, How do we view this? What are your expectations as a spender?

Are you someone who thinks well, I.

Got to be able to spend some free money every month. I go shopping every month. What is it? Let's come to an agreement beforehand that we're both comfortable with but let's understand what we're walking into here, all right? Again, we don't talk about these things we just assume oh, because she's not asking for money now she won't ask for money later. That's not necessarily true. Let's find out. what are we expecting? Do our values align in marriage? I definitely think number three, sexual expectations. I think that needs to be discussed and understood. And again, it's all about compromise if a compromise can be found. So, it's not saying okay, well, I expect it four times a week. You know, he or she says two times a week and now we're just going at it. No, well, then maybe we go with three times a week. But we make sure the compromise is something that we can both be happy with. When you compromise on something that you're not going to be happy about, you're not compromising, you're sacrificing. And those sacrifices can be good in some instances not when it's very important to you or it's going to be important enough that it would cause you to wander if you're not getting it.

Never sacrifice something that's going to make.

You want to look at someone else in your marriage, all right. So, if you need three times a week to be happy and satisfied make that very clear. don't agree to two and then... And now, wander, yeah. Exactly, and now you're entertaining other people because you never set that expectation. Another expectation as we talked about earlier with attraction is how we keep ourselves up physically. I do think that's a good point.

What if I just gained 60 pounds in seven years and is that okay since we're married now?

Listen, people need to be honest. So, like I tell some men if you can say you know what if my wife gained 60 pounds I don't care, I'm cool with it and you're going to love her with the same energy and desire that you did 60 other pounds ago, great. But if you can't maintain that desire, that passion, 60 pounds later you need to make that known now. You can't be afraid and say well, that sounds too shallow.

So, would we rather be shallow now.

Or have a disastrous relationship later? Have you cheating on your partner because you weren't willing to be honest in the beginning, all right. Same and women too because an epidemic that's happening is women are less honest about their attraction needs so to speak, all right.

Really?

So, whenever we talk about attraction let yourself go I think people automatically think of the woman letting themselves go. But a lot of men have let themselves go and have fallen far from what he looked like when they first got marry, but she's not always being as honest and straightforward about that. One reason may be because she doesn't want the pressure on her so, that's one issue right there or she may be afraid of his ego and think it's too fragile, exactly, and doesn't want to say anything. But again, if you can't maintain the same passion and desire with that fall off you've got to be honest about that so, he understands. Because what happens is this, so, let's just use this example, he lets himself go, he lets himself go the sex falls off, all right. And the sex is falling off because she's not as attracted to him anymore. But she's not being honest about it. Now, when she does say anything about whether it's his weight or whatever the case may be he's going to think you're just making excuses, you're just trying to give a reason not to have sex rather than embracing it as this is the reality of what's holding us back. However, if we had this conversation from the jump and you were honest about it, then I always knew this would be an issue.

Now, when you bring it back up.

It'S gonna be like, yeah, you did tell me.

Wow.

It just happened.

So, now it's gonna be easier for.

Me to embrace that and actually do something about it.

And have the recognition and awareness about it because you'd already talked about it.

Exactly.

Now, you do a lot of these events and workshops for hundreds of women at a time. Are women opening up in these experiences when you're connecting with them and saying, yes, I do lose the attraction appearances are important to me or is it not as important? And from the events that you've done with the women you've talked to, what is the feedback on appearance and looks?

So, I will say this, when it comes to appearance, looks, and sex, women aren't as vocal and transparent in a group of people. Really?

Yes.

But one-on-one with you.

One-on-one, different story. So, same thing like using the sex example, if I ask us, group of women are you getting orgasms regularly? There's going to be women in there who lie because they don't want to feel inadequate they don't want to be the woman who doesn't raise their hand and say yes, I'm getting it good. So, they're going to be hesitant or not know how to answer it but if I ask in private now I'm going to get the real truth. Yes, and now she's going to be very clear about loss of attraction, lack of sexual satisfaction and all these things. So, that's why people have to be careful because I think sometimes we're assuming these issues don't really exist because we're not hearing it in that group setting. Don't be fooled some women just they feel more comfortable privately expressing those things. And I've heard it enough times to know this is real.

And again, you just have to even.

If you haven't heard it enough times pay attention. There's a reason why we're seeing people fall off in marriage. There's a reason why we're seeing this disconnect. And even when it comes to infidelity there's a great focus on men who've cheated but there's a lot of women who've cheated.

A lot of women.

And it's not always for emotional reasons.

It'S for sexual ones too.

So, again, my thing is not to sit here and say well, it's about who does work. It's about okay, how do we fix this? How do we make this better? And we have to accept that yes, there are contributing factors to why we see failed marriages, why we see infidelity, why we see disconnects in our relationships. Let's address the underlying issues and be honest about it so we can get.

This on the right track. Wow. Are there any relationships that you're aware.

Of that.

Have open relationships that are successful? Or do you think it's very hard to do?

Because more and more with the Burning.

Man scene and all these people exploring these things, what's your thoughts on open relationships or being together but also having multiple partners?

So I'm gonna be honest. I I'm very skeptical of open relationships. Now, I don't want to sit here and say it's impossible for it to be successful because I haven't met everybody and I haven't studied it enough. But I have studied it to a certain extent and from what I have found is again, a lot of open relationships stem from one, the perception that one person can't fulfill me. And since one person can't fulfill me, why not have more than one, all right? And to me, find a person who's experienced that deep and genuine connection they don't have that perception. Because they had a moment in their life where they met someone that they thought this could be it. I could put my all into this and I would be happy with this one person. If you haven't experienced that connection of course, there's a natural progression to thinking well, maybe it's not going to work with just one. Can I entertain multiple if I can even handle multiple? the other thing is I do think it also stems from a lack of successful monogamy. And when I say a lack of successful monogamy I don't necessarily mean that they weren't able to maintain monogamy. It's like, okay, if I get in this monogamous relationship and now I get cheated on or I've had multiple relations where I've been cheated on.

I may start to think what's the.

Point of trying to be monogamous? Right, it's not going to work anyways. Exactly, why not just get an open.

Relationship which one allows me to not.

Be so vulnerable to one person. I now have more emotional control. And what you'll find a lot of situations is there's still somebody running that show. And what I mean by that is.

One of the people are running a show.

Exactly.

And they're running it in a way that it's protecting them.

I want to ask you about the best ways to meet someone these days, 2020 moving forward, the do's and don'ts for online dating. But what I'm hearing you say is that Dr. Justin Trosclair: you: shouldn't be trying to meet someone, you shouldn't be doing the online dating game until you've fully healed or at least started the process of healing because healing is a journey. Sometimes things take a lot longer to heal fully, but at least acknowledging and starting that process. What would be a process to start healing your past relationships or pains before we get into the conversation of do's and don'ts of online dating?

Okay, so of course, going to a therapist or coach is the ideal thing to do. You typically need that outside party that can help you process some things, help you see new perspectives, and go through a process of healing. Now, I will be honest, not every coach and therapist is gonna help someone heal. Sometimes it just turns into a venting session. So you've gotta be real careful about, okay, if I've been going to this therapist or coach for many weeks or months now, what progress have I really made? Have I been resolving or have I been coping? Because many are teaching you how to cope and manage and how to function within your brokenness, but they're not resolving it and helping you heal. Now, of course, you know, I'm big on healing. So I have my book Love After Heartbreak, which gives people the exact steps to healing. So one of the steps, I'll give you the first step, is getting the hurt out in front of you. So, it's this who hurt me list. And so, you get a piece of paper, you write down who hurt me.

And you ask yourself the question who hurt me?

And now everyone who comes to mind, you put them on the paper. Doesn't matter if it happened very long ago, doesn't matter if you think you moved past it. If they come to mind when you ask the question, then that means there's some kind of relevance there. And so, now you put them on the paper and like two sentences of what they did to hurt you. This will now at least help us identify what you've been holding on to and where the hurt is and what needs to be properly addressed. And then from there, we can do the other steps of getting things off your chest and forgiveness and all these different things that's involved in healing.

I love that.

I'm a big proponent of writing letters to people that you never send them, telling them how it made you feel, what you're frustrated and angry about with them, forgiving them, letting it go. And then I like to burn the letter and bury it as well. in the ground to hopefully create a sense of like, okay, this was alive in me and now I'm killing this and this feeling, this energy, I'm putting it to bed and I'm putting it back in the world to hopefully create something new to grow something new and more loving and powerful and create that intention. But I think that's really important. When should we know that we have are healed enough? How do we know when our healing has gone far enough of that on its journey before we should get into meeting someone new, putting ourselves out there on social media, online dating apps and things like that.

All right.

Well, first thing I want to say is now there are going to be times where sending the letter to the person is actually the best thing to do.

Really?

Yes. A lot of people are scared about that and it's a very difficult hurdle to jump. But I literally got a DM today from a woman who read the book. She wrote her letter last year. It was to her mother. she didn't want to send it she held on to it. She said she just finally built up the courage because I tell them in the book 99% of the time I'm.

Going to tell you to send the letter.

And so, she finally did it and she said they end up having the best conversation they've ever had in their life. Now, they're like the best of friends like it's taking their relationship to a whole new level. And it's not that's not the purpose of sending it but there's so much.

Good that can come from taking the.

Extra step of actually sending the letter and making sure that person is aware of how you felt and what you were going through. Now, in regards to knowing when you've properly healed, number one thing is when you can embrace being fully vulnerable with somebody, all right. If vulnerability still scares you, you have not healed enough, all right. You've got to be willing to open your heart. We can't say we want love and then put walls up around our heart. and be afraid to give it to someone. You're contradicting yourself, you're working against yourself. So, you've got to be willing to be vulnerable. You also have to make sure any negative perceptions that you've held onto due to past experiences, you've done away with them. So, for example, if you have been saying all men are dogs because you've been hurt by so many men. Well, you can't be out there dating and still screaming all men are dogs.

That's not going to work in your favor.

You'Ve got to accept that good men exist, that you can receive a great man, that you deserve a great man. So when you have a more positive outlook and way of thinking, and listen, we're going to all have our negative thought moments that happens, but your dominant or more consistent thought pattern is positive, hopeful, and things of that nature. Now we can say you're ready to get back out there.

How important is the language or the inner thoughts, the actual physical words we use in the inner language, the inner dialogue, in terms of attracting or finding the right partner?

It's extremely important. You know, we hear it all the time words are power and the reality is that the words you speak to yourself, the thoughts you have, they will whether knowingly or unknowingly to you, they will dictate your energy. The energy that you give off to people or the way that your spirit comes across to individuals. And so, you can put on a happy face But if your thought is negative, pessimistic, all right, and dwelling in this then your energy will still be negative, all right. What you do on the surface isn't going to be able to hide that which is why you have some people who swear well, I'm not a bad person yeah, but you're not a positive person, all right. You may be good people but no, you are miserable. And it's not even just you're miserable like you're dwelling in it in your life but you give off miserable energy. And so who's gonna want to be around that? Who's gonna want to commit to that at the most, they might want to have sex with you, but they're not gonna want to tie themselves to you in a committed long term relationship or marriage.

And people can feel that energy. What I don't care if you're a man, woman, or in between, someone you can feel the energy of someone. And if you haven't healed properly yourself, you may be attracted to a wounded individual to then try to find some validation or try to find some connection there. and that's why it's important for you to heal so that you can fully see the energy around you and see who is a potential great match for you. Because if you haven't healed, you're going to keep attracting negativity and repeating certain patterns. Is that correct?

That is absolutely correct. And if you talk to any person who has healed, they can tell you how they feel energy even more now, where they become more aware. It's so much easier to see past the facades that so many people are putting up. because now healing allows us to get more in tune with our spirit. And by getting more in tune with our spirit, we get more in tune with everyone's spirit. Because technically, we are all connected through the spirit, all right. And so, it's easier to be in touch with that when you get away, get rid of the blockage of trauma, past disappointments and hurts, disappointments, things of that nature.

It's powerful stuff, man. I'm still trying to give to my one of my first questions which is what's the best way to meet someone these days and online dating. But it sounds like that's so far ahead of what Dr. Justin Pomplun: 01:00 all these different things, it's almost like you got to do the work before you can start doing the work of finding someone. Dr. Pomplun: 01:10 Absolutely. Justin Pomplun: 01:12 so I think it's important for us to remind people of this process first before we say, okay, you've done the work, you've started the process of healing, you feel like you can open your heart and be vulnerable to anyone, and it's not going to hurt you and cripple you. Now, once you've done that, what's the best way to meet someone these days? You know, they got tons of social media apps now. We got people just swiping left and right on TikTok and Tinder and Bumbles and whatever else knows is out there. I feel like if I was a single man right now, it would just be chaos because it would just be option overload. Nothing's ever good enough. Comparison overload. Like where do we meet someone these days who is a quality human being that could be a potential great partner?

For us.

So I definitely think people need to get rid of the negative stigma they.

Have of online dating.

I think again, it's a tool to meet people more conveniently and in times like this, it's probably the best tool, let's be real. I mean, even if you try to go out, certain cities are limited, you're not going to see as much people out anymore. So if you thought it was hard to meet people going out before, well, it just got harder. So being open to online dating, I think would be the best bet. I think what people have to realize is, so I've gone on some of these sites to do research and see what's going on. And I can tell you that people's online profiles are pure trash. Like the majority of people have no damn clue what they're doing with these online dating profiles. And I believe it's because many have this one foot in, one foot out approach. It's like, I'm going to just try this because there's nothing else going on. But I'm not actually committed to the process of making this work and how.

It'S like, they're just bored. This is like entertainment. This is they're craving connection and intimacy, but they don't want to fully commit.

And they don't fully buy into the fact that it can work. Like I have clients who have gotten married from online dating. So it can work. Now, does it guarantee you a husband or wife?

No.

But does it pretty much guarantee you can meet people and have some options to decide if you want to move forward.

Yes.

But again, you've got to be smart about how you invest in the process and how you set up your profile and things of that nature to help you become more successful.

What are the do's and don'ts of online dating? And I'm going to make a general assumption here, correct me if I'm wrong, that men in general go on online dating sites to find people to hook up with in general. and women go on to more find a great potential partner. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that's the general mindset. Is that right?

I think that's a general mindset. I do think it varies depending on the site. Like, I believe a site that makes men pay has a higher chance of serious relationship minded men being on there. Because the guy who just wants to hook up is less likely to want to spend any money.

If he can go to a free.

Site, And it's just, you know, a free fall on there. So, I do think that certain sites give a better opportunity for serious relationships. But as far as do's and don'ts, one don't... I'm going to start with a don't is don't make it all about what you want. Meaning, people don't go on online dating and present their value. And so, why would I choose you out of all these people online when I don't know what you bring to the table, what value you present? It's like, listen, in marketing, the job is to present value to the consumer to say, this is why you should buy my product. We dress it up properly, we pick the right colors, the right wording. It's all about hitting your target market and appealing to them. And I feel like people don't do that. They go online, they make it, well, I'm looking for this. I don't want this.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

All right, but I don't see any value here.

So why would I reach out to you?

So I think that's a big don't. Don't make it all about you. Make it about what you bring to the table and what value you provide.

Make yourself desirable so you start attracting options as opposed to saying, well, yeah, I'm only looking for this guy and this and you have to be smart and rich and this.

It's like, Exactly.

You're already too much to handle right now.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay, so that's number one, build something, create desire. For someone to be attracted to you. What else?

Number two, have enough pictures on your profile. So many people jump on again, because.

It'S one foot in one foot out.

They put one picture up. Now listen, we live in a time where catfishing is popular and nobody wants to be catfished. If you only have one picture up, you become a very skeptical or you make people very skeptical of your profile, all right? And so you got to show people The full you, so not only have one picture, but I always say have at least one full body picture. Let people know what they're getting into because the last thing you want is to have these beautiful headshots, all right. And someone choose you based off of that, then you meet in person and the rest of you doesn't look like the way they wanted you to look. And now you have a wasted date, wasted time, you get discouraged, let's stop doing that to ourselves and to each other. Let's show the full version of who we are. Someone either likes it or they don't.

All right.

So I think three to four pictures in your profile.

That's interesting.

And would someone ever change their mind based on personality only of like, oh, well there, maybe it wasn't the way I wanted them to look, but they're such a nice person and I have this personality that I'm going to give it another date. Or are you saying like, allow people to see the full picture of who you are, at least to a certain level. Obviously, you're not going to share your whole life story and open up all your flaws right away. You're going to put your best foot forward. But at least see kind of a full picture of your life in five to six photos, I guess.

So I don't want to sound harsh, but let's just say they looked at your picture and they thought you were an athletic person. They thought you had an athletic frame. All right. Now, when they see you, you're plus size, that may be too far of a deviation for them to say, oh, but the personality is good enough. All right. Now, they may have envisioned athletic, but you're like a little bit off from that. Okay, well, you know what? She's a great or he's a great person, I can work with this. That's not going to push them too far to the left, you know what I'm saying? So, it really depends on how far you've deviated. And that's why the pictures helps eliminate that issue. We don't need the guessing game, we don't need people feeling some kind of way once they finally see you. Don't use old pictures from 10 years ago if they don't represent how you currently look. you want to show your true self now and let them decide if they want to step into this or not.

Is there another do or don't?

Do not come off negative in your profile. So, it kind of goes back to the whole saying what you want or making it all about you. Many people and I have to say this happens a lot with women, they come off like well, if you're this don't reach out to me or I don't want this. The tone is very negative. All right, like the I'm not here to play games. Okay, cool. That's not going to get you anywhere. That just makes you come off as difficult, all right. So, you want to come off with a more positive inviting tone. You want to be very mindful of your delivery in your bio, in your message, or your headline or whatever. All that negative stuff especially for women is not going to get you far if you're looking for a serious relationship. Again, men will bypass the negative energy if they just want sex and you look good to them. But they're not going to bypass that to make you their woman and to commit to you or marry you.

Right.

That's powerful for women to know for sure. And do you think women can make the first move and it could work out long term?

Absolutely. And I honestly think when it comes to online dating, they should. My logic is this, as a woman, you jump on online dating, let's say you're an attractive woman. You put up your profile and now in a couple of days it's a sea of garbage that comes your way, all right. And you got to fish through the sea of garbage to find your diamond in the rough and through that process it can be very exhausting. You can find yourself feeling like this is pointless and now you get off the platform. However, you should go and find the men you want to put yourself in.

Front of, all right.

Making it easier for you to get candidates you actually would like. And for women, we don't require much. You can just say hello, all right?

Or a smiley face or whatever.

Emoji, you can send a blank damn message, all right. If we are attracted to you and we find interest, we will respond. Did you mean to say that to me? Like, we're going to look into it. So, to me, it would be best and most beneficial for women to just send out again, just simple messages to the men that actually catch their interest.

Right.

And then see if they're interested in return. Yeah, exactly. My friend Matthew Hussey, I think he calls this in person, like the handkerchief technique, where he's like, listen, women, you know, look them in the eyes from across the restaurant or at the grocery store, like look a man in his eyes or connect with him in a flirtatious way, a little bit subtle little way. Or, you know, back in the olden days, they would drop a handkerchief as they walked by a man to see if they would pick it up and bring it to them. So, it's like allow a man to be interested in connecting with you because it takes a lot of courage even if you're online to put yourself out there to someone you're attracted to. It's easier to obviously just message someone online and not be rejected and feel so sad than it is in person. But it's still, you've got to put some energy out there for the guys that you're interested in for sure and see which ones are like, I'm going to take a nibble, you know?

Exactly.

Come on the hook.

So that's it.

I love that man. What's the best opening line for a man or woman in online dating to reach out to someone to pique interest and see if it's a potential for something?

Okay.

For men, what you want to do is you want your opening line to reference something she's written in her profile, which shows you actually took time to read her profile.

You care.

Yeah, you research. Exactly.

And it automatically separates yourself because let's face it, a woman on there might be getting tons of hellos, you look amazing, you look great, blah, blah, blah. She's heard that a million times but let's just say she just got her degree in, I don't know, in IT, all right. And now you say oh, you know, hey, what do you like about IT? I don't know, you just make some kind of reference. It just shows that you took more time to actually learn. You come across much more genuine and the message is immediately different from the typical man who reaches out to her. So, I think that's the best approach for men to take. And it also allows for a natural conversation to flow. Because you know, when you started with the whole hello, where are you from? It's like... Exactly, but when you have a pick a topic using her profile to start it off, you got something you can get rolling from there and then you.

Can get into all the other stuff.

And people always appreciate Someone who takes the time to research, people always appreciate a different approach, a different angle, like a uniqueness to something about you. But if you're always the same as everyone else, if like, hey there, cutie or whatever it is, you're gonna get the same type of results. But when you are a little different, they're gonna say, huh, something's different about that person.

Let me keep talking. Absolutely.

Absolutely.

And for women?

For women, you know, I really just feel like saying hello is all they need. They don't have to say much. Because let's be real, like the man either going to be interested in you because he likes what he sees and he likes your profile, like a special line for a woman doesn't really separate them so to speak. She could try to be funny and humorous, she could try to do the same thing that I said to men. But I think at the end of the day it really boils down to okay, if he likes what he sees and he likes what's on the profile, a simple hello, an emoji, whatever is.

Going to do the trick.

Because the man's either going to respond and dive in or he's going to say, Okay, high and that's it and not get back quickly or whatever it is. You're going to know quickly within 24 hours of a guy's interested in you as well or not.

I always say there are some men who are still very shy and socially awkward even when it comes to online dating and so there may be a struggle with how they communicate but I do think that at the very least they're going to respond, all right? They're going to respond and from there a conversation can be had And I do think within the first few responses, we're going to get an idea of, okay, this guy does have some kind of interest here.

What are your thoughts on friends or matchmakers spotting connection where they say, Hey, I've got a great person for you. You're going to love this guy. You're going to love this girl. You guys, you know, are perfect for each other. Are friends actually good at spotting potential long-term connection? and our matchmakers good at this as well.

So I don't want to rain on any matchmaker's parade.

Or in any way.

You know, take away from what they do. I cannot honestly say I believe that a matchmaker can spot connection. They can spot chemistry and compatibility. I do think that matchmakers can be very good in finding who would be compatible with each other. But again, compatibility does not equal connection. Connection is something deeper. Again, it's within that spirit. And so, for someone on the outside to identify that, that's highly unlikely unless they have seen these two interact and have been in their presence. So, essentially, if I see you with someone, I can say or I see you with your girl, I can say okay, I see the connection there because I'm seeing you to interact, I can feel the energy. But if I have my friend here and a female friend over there and I'm thinking, oh, these two people could have a connect, no. Like there's no way to say that when I'm just going off of what I know of them rather than actually them interacting and seeing the energy there.

So you can't guess even if like these are two great people, they're gonna hit it off. You can, it's rare that you could guess that they will actually hit it off until you see them connecting. Then you can spot, wow, they have a connection.

Yes, I believe that when we're talking about connection, yes, that would be the case.

So what's the difference between connection, chemistry and compatibility?

So let's start with compatibility. Compatibility are traits that typically fit together, all right? So we're identifying, well, okay, she's a go-getter, she likes being outdoors, she's very spiritual, and he likes the same things. So we're identifying traits that make them compatible. Some people may use the zodiac to determine who is compatible. But again, zodiac is really dependent on the traits that they have defined for that sign. And as long as those things are consistent or they are accurate in those cases, then they can say there's going to be some level of compatibility there. So there's going to be some level of fit there. All right. Chemistry is when two people know how to get along and flow with each other, work with each other. So, chemistry doesn't necessarily require compatibility, all right. Because again, think about at work, we can go through team building exercises and build chemistry with our work associates, all right. But we don't have to like them.

We don't have to have the same interest as them.

Nothing else has to be in alignment but we can learn how to work together and build and create something and make progress and be successful. So chemistry is very independent of that, but again, it's more so learning how to work with each other, flow with each other, get along with each other, coexist together, so to speak. But again, it's very fluid. It can come, it can go, all right? You can build chemistry, you can destroy chemistry. Connection, is again, with connection you will have chemistry. But funny enough, with connection you may not have what people perceive as compatibility. So, you can have two individuals who you would never think are a match for each other but yet they are feeling this amazing connection with each other. Unexplainable, they never would have thought it would be this person but it's there, all right? But again, you will have chemistry within connection. Connection doesn't come or go, it's either there or it's not. You cannot create it, you cannot destroy it, you can run from it, you can try to reject it, you can pile a bunch of trash on top of it, toxic energy, but it's still there. And it kind of goes back to, we talked about this before where you're the one that put me on the, I forgot how you say it, the red string Chinese.

Yes, yes, the red string. I stuck out at odd.

Exactly. And so, no matter where you go in the world, no matter what you.

Do, you'll feel connection.

Exactly. And that's why people with connection could fall apart tomorrow, meet back up 10 years later and it's like they never stopped talking. The connection is always there. So, that's why it's the strongest and most important of those three.

Is it fair to say that you need all three to have the most fulfilling type of relationship? And if you're missing compatibility, there will always be some type of stress?

No, I think you need chemistry and connection. And again, if you have connection, you will have the chemistry. The reason why I say you don't need compatibility is because again, what people perceive as compatible doesn't always align with what actually allows two people to be connected and bond and all these wonderful things. So because of that, I would say compatibility due to society's perception of it is not necessary.

It's the least needed thing.

Yes.

So you shouldn't be coming into a relationship saying, wow, we're very compatible people. We like the same things. We come from the same background. We live in the same city. Our families live nearby. this makes sense. We should try this thing because look at how compatible we are. What I'm hearing you say is you should make sure you have this connection that if you were gone for 10 years, you think about them, you dream about them, you always want to come back together. That that is more important than having chemistry and compatibility because with connection you will have chemistry, but you may not be compatible.

Exactly. And you're 100% accurate what you just said. Compatibility and that's where a lot of people go wrong. They choose partners based off of compatibility. They choose partners based off of the logical deduction that this would make sense, this is a great opportunity, you know, we like the same things blah, blah, blah. But those people find themselves miserable because they get caught up in the hype initially. But again, the connection that they need to really enjoy each other, the glue that keeps them together, the glue that helps them overcome difficult times that's not there if you don't have connection, you.

Know what I'm saying?

And hell, it's tough even when you have connection. So if you don't have it, it's not there.

So is connection something you can cultivate if you don't have, or is it something you either have it together or you don't?

You have it or you don't. You can't make it up out of thin air. You can't create it. Plenty of people have tried and failed miserably. It just doesn't work.

You know?

And that's why, yeah, you hear this all the time of like, gosh, he looked amazing on paper. Like, he just like had everything on paper. He checked every box. She checked every box, but there was just, I, and they were such a good person. Such a great person. But I just couldn't connect.

Exactly. It just wasn't there. And let me tell you, that's one of the worst positions to be in. To be with this amazing, wonderful person that you don't have a connection with because now, how do I justify and validate to myself, my friends, my family who probably love this person?

Love this person. Love them.

And like, yo, I got to tell them no, it's just not there. The majority of people are not able to do that. They suck it up and they try to push things along or they convince themselves I'm tripping, maybe I'm being too picky, whatever. But then inevitably that marriage or relationship still ends up ending.

There's two parts to letter or two drafts. The first draft is the most important. This is where we're going to have essentially an emotional detox we got to get everything out. So, let's say on the list is your mother. I always bring up mothers because so many people have mommy issues but the world only wants to talk about daddy issues, all right. And the society has made it to where it's almost wrong for you to tell a woman she was a bad mother or to criticize your mother. So, we suppress that a lot more than we do our fathers. That's interesting, you know. So, let's say it's your mother and you're going to do the first draft. And in that first draft you're just going to let all your raw emotion out. I don't care if you curse her out, I don't care if you wish death on her, I don't care what nasty evil thing you say. However, you feel let it come out. You've got to let the the anger, the hurt all pour out of you into this letter. Once you uncork that screw, that's it. Exactly, and this is where it gets heavier. A lot of people may take a lot more pauses in this process, all right. Because again, so many people have been suppressing this for so long. And again, it's like any other detox when you start to detox the bad stuff has to come out first, all right. And you can't get to a healed place unless you flush out all the negative energy. so, this is why it's important. This is not the draft to be politically correct to try to frame things in the right way. I don't want you to be considerate, I don't want you to think about well, I did some wrong things too. Forget all that. This first draft is let it rip, let it rip let it out. And I guarantee you by just doing that first draft you're going to feel better. You're going to feel a weight come off your shoulders you're going to feel more peace to you.

Right, that's the draft one. Draft two, draft two.

So, draft two is Essentially, now I always tell people all right, you finished draft one, pray, meditate, whatever you got to do just get to a kind of level place mentally, calm, and now read the letter to yourself as if you were them. Oh, okay. And now, so put yourself in their shoes and anything that now comes off as attacking, condescending, blatantly insulting, you're going to change it. You're not changing the message. you're just changing your delivery of the message, all right. And the importance behind this is twofold. One, we talked about it earlier. People don't know how to communicate without being negative. Their tone, their delivery is horrible. So, this letter is going to help you learn how to take your negative emotions and thoughts and now turn it and reword it into a much more loving positive message. Now, loving positive does not mean you won't say things that aren't hurtful to them or a hard pill for them to swallow. There's just a difference between lashing out and expressing how you feel. Saying this is how you impacted my life, this is how I perceive things rather than you're this, you're that, you're this. That's the first draft. But the second draft is just you're just changing your delivery of the message. So, by the end of it, you have fully expressed yourself but in a more calm loving manner. this is going to allow one, it's going to teach you how to be better in your communication.

Interesting.

But also, and this is the part people aren't going to like. And I won't go too deep into this part. For those who may have to send it and I would just suggest getting the book to see if they got to send it or not, all right. Because it breaks all of this down. But for those who do have to send it, it's going to give you a much greater chance of great things to come from that letter. Not that that's the focus of the letter, the focus of the letter is for your healing. So, I don't care if you did send it and they never responded. I don't care if you sent it and they rejected everything you said in it. Because the purpose is your release of all those emotions, all right. And you've got to embrace forgiveness and forgiveness is another piece of this healing puzzle. Forgiving them and forgiving yourself as well. That's the real focus but I have seen amazing things happen because of these letters. Really?

Yes.

And people receiving them. Yes. I've seen-- so, these are not letters.

That you send out that say, you,'re horrible, you ruined my life. That's not draft one. You're sending out draft two, which is more of a place of, this is how this scenario impacted me. Yeah, this is how I feel. It's more of a responsibility as well.

How it made me feel, is that I'm hearing you say. Absolutely, yeah. Because it's very different to accuse someone and attack someone versus saying, but this is how I received it.

Right.

Whether you're right or wrong.

Exactly.

Because also understand this. Hurt people hurt people. And some people might reject that because they say well, I'm hurt and I never hurt nobody that's a lie. Whether you realize it or not you have hurt people. One example I'll give that comes to mind let's say you're a woman or a man and you were hurt in your last relationship and now you've become guarded. Now, to you you're still operating as a loving human being but what you don't realize is your guardedness is still hurting either the the potential partner or someone that you do get with? Because you're unwilling to give them your whole heart, all right.

So, you still have... You're not attacking them, maybe you're not punching them or cheating on them, but you're holding back.

Exactly, and you're still undermining the relationship. So, you're still hurting them and you're hurting yourself because you're not allowing yourself to experience the full greatness of it. Because you won't fully dive in. because you're scared and you're guarded and that has to be fixed. But going back to the original point I want to make is in that same mode the hurt person does not always realize how much they're hurting you. We have to understand that damaged individuals are operating from a very selfish mindset. It's I'm protecting myself. Think about the person who is overly critical of everyone else. They're always criticizing, criticizing, criticizing. they're not doing it because their intention is to hurt others. They're doing it because they want to keep the spotlight off of them and to protect themselves from criticism. So, I'm going to hit you before you hit me, all right. So, again, a lot of our parents the things that they did they did not understand. And even if they had some semblance of an idea, they're so caught up in their own feelings they're blinded by it. So, a lot of times this letter basically takes the blinders off. When you do it in that loving manner because like I said earlier, do you want to be heard or do you want them to receive the message? The yelling, the screaming, the lashing out they heard that because you may have done that with them in the past. But they never received you in that moment. Now, expressing yourself in a calm loving manner they can't help but receive you and even those who reject what you're saying trust me, it has hit them in a way nothing else has. And I've seen situations where the offender has broken down in tears after realizing how bad they were being. But they never connected with that previously because their emotions, their feelings blinded them from that. It's a lot, man.

First two steps sound like a pretty deep work.

It is, it is absolutely deep work but it's necessary work. I mean, listen, no one says healing is easy. but it's necessary and it's absolutely worth it. And it's a game changer. Like, I just don't think people understand how much better your life will be. And you know what, let's take a moment to say this isn't even about your emotional relationship life. It's about your overall quality of life. A lot of people's illnesses are from a lack of emotional health, all right.

That's true.

And what we have to understand is a suppression of feelings, a lack of healing, creates emotional stress. Stress is now the number... It's not now, it's always been the number one inducer of disease. It is the number one trigger that sets everything else wrong in your body, all right. If you cure stress, you cure the body. A lot of things it changes after that. So, your overall health, your overall quality of life is dependent on you healing and releasing that negative energy. So, it's so much bigger than just a relationship.

Overall quality of life.

Yes.

Not just in that one relationship but every relationship.

Every relationship, every aspect of life.

So, do you write a letter for the 30 people that were on that who Hurt yout list? Or is it more okay, pick like the three or two or three big people in your life that you really were affected by. Start with those letters and then keep going.

Start with those letters and what I have seen in all my years of doing this is that and sometimes you.

Don'T send it to the person also, right.

There's going to be some circumstances where.

You wouldn't send it.

Majority of the times I would encourage sending it, all right. Now, again, I tell people if you're a believer pray about it as well because to me God gives you the ultimate answer in that. But I do believe that the vast majority of situations a letter needs to be sent All right, but again, there are some caveats there, there are some differences. And you had asked what again?

Do you send a letter to everyone.

On the hurt list?

So, yes, what I have seen from most people is that once you knock off the big ones first three, four, or five people. You don't need to write a letter to everybody else. Because again, you see things differently now. So, now think about it like this, your hurt or how you took a to something. You now see it differently after you resolve those other ones. Now, you realize it wasn't even about you in those situations. Again, hurt people hurt people. They're just projecting negativity onto you. It wasn't even about you they just took it out on you. And now, when you now start to not internalize people's actions it frees you in a way that you were never freed before, you know. And that's why it's so important that we have to learn not to take things personally because we don't know where that person's actions and negativity is really coming from. A lot of times most of the times it's not even about us it goes way deeper than that. And if we learn not to take it personally and not to internalize it we can navigate the situation so much better. Because what's happening is you allow them to trigger you, now you get into a negative space, now you fight fire with fire and the fire gets worse.

That's been me most of my life. most of my previous relationships, that's how I showed up, which was, I'm doing to defend myself. You're attacking me for something. Whether it's true or not, I'm going to defend myself and I'm going to fight back. What happens when we do that with our partner?

We just make it a battle. We set the stage for more battling. And here's the worst part about it. We not just battle in that moment. that battle usually turns into saying something we regret, doing something that we you know, we didn't realize we did.

Now, they hold on to that.

So, now they take that one small thing from that battle for years. Exactly, that creates more battles. So, you don't win, you don't win trying to fight fire with fire.

So, what should you do if someone's fighting you with fire, how should you respond?

You throw water on them.

Okay, a bucket of water.

And that water is love, patience, grace, and if they don't honor that you let them go. Unfortunately, listen, if we're in a relationship whether that be family or romantic and we're dictating to them that listen, the way we do things here is we have calm conversation, we be respectful towards each other, you know, we don't take this to a negative place. and they cannot honor that, then you stop engaging with them.

What if someone says, you, know what? Don't try to tell me how to act and how to feel. It's okay to feel angry. It's okay to react at times. It's natural to let your.