The LOVE COACH: THIS Is Why 70% of Relationships FAIL In The First Year | Stephan Speaks

A lot of people's mentality is, well, things change, things are going to be different. It's okay. So what, you don't go out as much anymore. People think like this, but they don't realize that's why your relationship is deteriorating. Certified relationship coach and best selling author, Ms. Stephan Speaks. We can't just think it's okay, especially with our partners, to speak. However, we want to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay. Because what people are not realizing is.

What would you say are the three most important things that every man needs and what would be the three things that every woman needs from their man to feel fulfilled?

I'm not gonna lie to you, I still struggle with in some points, not because I don't believe what I'm about to say, but because if true, it's a hard pill to swallow.

What do you think is the best way for a driven, confident, alpha, masculine man, healthy, conscious, masculine man, to eliminate distractions or temptations when they're in a committed, intimate, long term relationship from wanting to think about other women or scroll on Instagram and dream about what that could be like and be tempted to say, I need more partners.

You have to cut off everything that feeds the struggle. So if, you know, looking at Instagram put you in that place, you can't be on Instagram. Now, I know that's easier said than done, depending on a person's profession and all these different things. But literally you have to cut off all influences that push you on that path. Because it could be Instagram, it could be the music you're listening to, it could be the TV that you're watching, depending on what you're watching. And I know it's tough because you get to a point where it's like, well, I got cut off everything almost. But yeah, yeah, the more you can remove these outside influences, the easier it is for you to be present with your partner. I remember one time, there was a guy, his wife had got pregnant. I don't know if they were married at that time. Either way, his partner was pregnant, she put on some weight. He found himself left as attracted to her. They weren't having sex as much. He went to get some help. They suggested, stop looking at porn, stop looking at Instagram. He, he stopped for three weeks. He looked at pretty much no other woman unless he passed a woman in the street. He said after three weeks he found himself more attracted to his partner. Wow. Even without the weight loss now, it doesn't mean he still didn't want her to lose weight because sustaining that it was still going to have to make some adjustments. But it did help.

Interesting.

Because he didn't have these other influences constantly being put in his face that makes him question, okay, what's going on here? Like, I don't like this, or you know, hey, I could have this too.

Or you know, what that would be like.

Exactly. So it's just we've got to know our weaknesses and where we fall short and just cut it off at the root as best as possible.

I think it goes back to also communicating your needs, you know, your agreements, your roles, responsibilities in the relationship and making sure your needs are met as a man.

Yes.

If your needs are not met and.

It opens the door, you're like, oh.

Okay, if I can't get it here, then I wonder what that would be like. Or this would be like.

Yes.

That's why I think it's really important to have these real honest conversations before you get committed about what your needs are.

Absolutely.

Maybe there's a man that's like, I only need to have sex a couple times a month and I'm happy. For me that doesn't work.

Right.

You know, maybe in 20 years it changes, I don't know. But it's like, you got to be realistic and say, you know, I've had conversations with Martha where I'm just like, this is what I'm going to need, this is what I'm going to need. And are you able to provide this? If not, I don't want to push you on something that you don't want to do, you know, and same for you. What are your needs and can I provide those for you?

Absolutely.

And if I can't provide for your needs, you shouldn't be with me. We shouldn't be together if it doesn't naturally align. Right. We should be naturally aligning, not. You have to change three things about you in order to please me, and I have to change everything to please you. I don't think that's the right match.

No, it's not.

There might be sexual attraction there, might you maybe have fun, you could be friends, whatever. But I'm talking healthy, long term commitment.

Yeah.

With the least amount of pain. You know what I mean? It's like, there's going to be challenge, there's going to be adversity and pain that causes by living life. But if you can minimize stress and anxiety within the relationship, I think that's the best approach.

Absolutely.

And talking about needs is key up front so I'm hearing you say men need to eliminate any temptation or distractions that might get them thinking about another option.

Yes. And I do agree with you 100%, as the next thing would be making sure we lay out those needs and desires and make sure they're being met on both sides. Because I'm a firm believer you can't expect this person to meet all your requirements if you're not going to do the same for them. But I do think that there's a lot of men who, they don't take it as far as they need to. As far as expressing what is it exactly you want from this?

Even the weird, crazy sexual, like, nuances, like, you got to go there.

Yes.

Even if it's uncomfortable, you feel like, man, this is. They're going to judge me or they're going to think this is weird. But if you don't get that, you're going to resent it in a year, two years, six months.

Exactly.

And you'll be thinking about, where can I get this met?

And that's the key. If you can honestly say, if I don't get this, I'm good. Like, I would like this, but it's not a big deal to me. I can go without it.

Cool.

But if you know going without this is going to disturb you and be a huge struggle for you. Yeah, you're asking for problems.

Why do you think it's so hard for men to only be with one women or one woman? Or why do you think that's the struggle for men when they think about it, like, can I only be with one woman for the rest of my life? And they're like, well, if I could just have like a threesome once a year, like, it would all be. Hear these conversations. But why is it challenging? And from the men that you've met who are extremely sexually satisfied with their one intimate partner for decades, what is it they're doing differently? Or how they shifted that thinking that they need more women?

So here's my current theories and beliefs that I'm not going to lie to you, I still struggle with in some points. Not because I don't believe what I'm about to say, but because if true, it's a hard pill to swallow. So I'm of belief that the majority of men can actually be happy with one woman. No problem. I view it in the same way I view business. All right? There's the bosses and the workers. And neither label is a negative to either side. Okay. It's just a reality that there Are men who. They don't need a bunch. They don't need a lot in their life. If they're making a certain salary, they have a roof over their head, food on their table. Needs are being met. They're good. They don't have this extra gear of ambition that says, go out and do more. That kind of guy can have his one woman again. Key is, needs are being met.

In the relationship.

Yes, in the relationship. I think he's fine. He can do that for the rest of his life. No problem.

Live a happy, fulfilled life.

Yes. And understand, because that man doesn't even have the desire in him or the energy to go out there trying to mingle with other women and all that kind of stuff. Exactly.

A lot of effort.

Yes. It takes a certain kind of mindset and energy to be able to do that. A lot of guys aren't like that. They just want to be happy and have their needs met and that's it. But then there's the smaller percentage of men, which we could argue are the more desirable men of society, who tend to be more ambitious men. Like I remember reading somewhere, if I'm correct, people like Einstein, Steve Jobs, all these geniuses, high sexual energy. There seems to be this connection, this correlation between these ambitious men, these very unique individuals that do big things in life, and them having this very high sexual energy. And again, they probably had to learn to transmute some of that to accomplish what they accomplished. Where these types of men, there's a greater struggle now to just be limited to that one woman, because it's the same thing that they struggle with being limited to one invention or one business. You know what I'm saying? They just have this mind and this desire for more. I got to keep going. I got to keep going. And so I think that guy is the guy that. I don't know if it's. Maybe his testosterone is higher than normal. I don't know. I don't know what is it in the man that causes that. But I do believe that every highly ambitious, successful man I know, the vast majority. So let me not say every, but the vast majority of them have that struggle or don't even believe in monogamy, period.

All right.

Okay. Finish what you're saying.

Yeah, so. And I will say some of the ones who have, like, I feel for me personally, the thing that helps me is my relationship with God.

Yeah.

If I take that away, I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't know.

Yeah, you're a dog.

It's all right.

Without God, you're a dog.

Yeah, it's all right. And let me just be clear. Not dog as in I would never be a liar. I'd never be playing women, taking advantage of that. None of that. But would I be all over the place? Yeah.

Devon Franklin talks about this in one of his books about there's a dog in every man. Right. Again, not like a. A mean dog, but like a dog that has like a desire to go get another bone out there. Yeah, it's like, just like. And it's learning how to fight the dog within you that has that desire. Right. What happens? Have you ever met a man who's been in a marriage, let's say, or a long term relationship with one person as a constant, but has other sexual encounters with other women and the relationship works long term with that one person still open relationship or hall passes that are aware of this, the partner is aware of this. Where you still have this really happy, intimate, connected partnership between the man and the main partner. Have you met anyone like this? No. Honestly, what typically happens when a man is with someone but also is with other people?

Yeah. So I think one, we have to make sure we define what work means. So to some people it's working because they're still together.

I mean happy, healthy.

Exactly. That's the key. So for that to be the standard of what we call. It's working. No, you haven't seen that. I haven't seen it. I'm not, you know, I can never say it doesn't exist 100%. But what I think is, what I believe strongly is that the woman accepting that is already kind of killing off a piece of herself. That piece that wants to be number one in his life, that wants to be fully loved, to feel like he doesn't need anyone else but me. And I argue that kind of going back to masculine and feminine to show you another difference between men. Women need love at a level or in a way that men don't. Meaning that if you went to a woman and you said, or if you went to a man and you said, I will give you this woman, she will give you everything that you need, fulfill all your desires, but she cannot say she's in love with you, will you take it? There's a majority of men who will take it because, hey, I'm getting my needs met.

Yeah, I'm good.

Who cares, right?

If you go to a woman with the same deal, he will fulfill all your needs, he'll be everything that you want, but he cannot say he is in love. With you. There's a lot of women who can't take that deal. Really? Yes. Why is that? Because again, they need that aspect of love, that energy that it takes things to a different level. That speaks to who they are. I believe that speaks to the feminine in the woman. The feminine and woman craze that love. We are more in, you can call it the more logical mind or whatever you want to call it, but we just want, as long as we get what we need, it's easier for us. Yes. We feel respected and we're being satisfied. A lot of guys are like, I'm not passing that up.

What would you say are the three most important things that every man needs from their partner? Is it respect?

Respect. And I still got to use sexual satisfaction.

Sexual satisfaction.

Yeah.

Support. Sexual satisfaction and respect. And respect are the three things that most men need in a relationship.

Yeah.

For them to feel happy and fulfilled.

Yeah. Because if you take away any of those three, it's a problem. If he doesn't feel respected, it's going to cause huge problems.

He doesn't feel supported.

A lot of people don't realize a lot of infidelity does not start from that man having a sexual desire for another woman. It can start from a lack of support in the household. And then you have other women coming around who are, you know, feeding his. His head with you. I think you're amazing. If you were my man, I would do this and blah, blah, blah, blah. I believe in you. He doesn't get that at home. And that opens the door to it becoming sexual.

Which is why you'll see a lot.

Of situations where the man cheats on his partner with a woman who doesn't even look as good as his partner.

But it's fulfilling some sexual need.

It's not even a sexual need. It fulfilled first the emotional need and then. Yes.

And it could be just sexual depending.

On what the initial issue was. But yes, it can either be sexual or emotional. But I think people always think it's a sexual thing with men.

An emotional need. Meaning like I'm not getting the respect I want. So that's an emotional feeling.

Yes.

Or not feeling supported at home. So that's an emotional feeling.

Yes, yes.

So the three things that every man you believe needs most men need is respect, support and sexual satisfaction. What would be the three things that every woman needs from their man to feel fulfilled?

I want to say love. And I guess when I say the word love, I mean it from the standpoint of non sexual intimacy. Being able to pour into her, emotionally, mentally, being able to hold her, caress her, everything other than sex. And again, it's not to say that women don't enjoy sex or don't desire or need sex, but if you just gave them sex and you didn't give them those other things, it's going to be a problem.

Yes, love.

So I think love, I think security, again, it goes back to that needing to feel safe, needing to feel comfortable around you, needing to not feel judged around you. I think that's extremely important. Again, you take away a woman's security. I want to give one quick example. I had one client where she was with a guy and while they were in a relationship, she never had an orgasm with him. Okay. They get married and it's orgasm city. Really? Yes. It just starts flowing out. Okay.

Yes.

Now she feels fully safe.

Yes.

But then here's what happened years in he was in the military, he cheats on her, the orgasm stopped. And I always use that to say, listen, nothing changed sexually as far as physically what was happening. But mentally and emotionally, she no longer felt safe and secure in this relationship. And that was enough to turn the switch on and off when it came to her sexual satisfaction and her being sexually receptive to him. So definitely security is the other thing. And I think I'm trying to find the right word, right way to phrase this, but I feel like the word that I want to use is stimulation. I feel that women need to be stimulated by their man. Now that could be mental stimulation. That could just be spontaneous, fun in the relationship, just not being boring. Like women can get very bored easily in a relationship. You have to find a way to keep her stimulated again. And I don't want men to hear that and think I'm constantly doing. No, but there has to be enough in your bag that you can pull out when necessary or that certain things you possess naturally that keep her in that place because once she gets too bored, that opens the doors to problems as well.

Is it harder for a man to provide these keys for a woman to feel satisfied? Or is it harder for a woman to feel, to show up and give what the man needs to be satisfied?

So my honest answer, my initial what I want to say is it's harder.

For the man because men, it's hard. It's in general, it's hard for a driven, masculine man to really take a moment to be non sexual and intimate in an affectionate, listening, compassionate, generous way and to think about how can I be spontaneous and fun and interesting when I'm just focused and driven to go provide and bring back. Yeah, it's harder, right?

Yeah. So basically, you can look at it as. You've got to really be able to tap into your feminine side, so to.

Speak, as a man.

As a man. To be able to tap into her needs and desires, whereas she doesn't necessarily have to tap into her masculine side to satisfy us. No. Other than you could argue maybe when it comes to her approach to sex, if she approached it from a more masculine, like, I'm just ready to go, then, yeah, a lot of guys would be happy with that. But she can remain in her feminine.

And respect you and support you.

Exactly.

And it's interesting.

So it's easy. It will be easier for her from that standpoint.

So it's really like, men need to really learn how to be masters of themselves and become master of flexing both the masculine energy and the feminine energy to be able to fully pour into their partner woman at a high level the way she needs to receive it.

Absolutely.

And that means you can't just be the big, strong, tough, driven provider. You got to have some sensitive vulnerability within you to be what it sounds like the ultimate masculine man.

Yes, right. Absolutely.

That's definitely.

It's all about the balance from within us. And we've got to. We got to get more comfortable with it. We've got. We got to get more educated on how we go about it, you know, because I want men to understand that, though, I'm encouraging them to tap into their feminine side, to be able to provide some of these things. You don't want to lose sight of your masculine. And so that's why it's still important. Like I call it loving in your masculine. All right. You have to learn how to love in your masculine. And that might sound tricky, but I do believe it's extremely possible once you grasp the concept and you start to become comfortable with it. Because consider yourself now, you're at a point where you had the confidence to say what you want, to lay everything out. You remove the fear of, well, if she doesn't like this, I'm going to lose her. No, you know what it needs to be. Either you're with it or you're not. So now that allows you to remain in your masculine while you still can provide for her in the ways that she needs.

Right.

You see, we slide fully into the.

Feminine when we become this, oh, my gosh, I have to keep her. I got to do everything to get her. Whatever, whatever. We become emotionally needy now. It's like you're trying to do everything she wants. But you don't have that balance of standing strong in who you are. And that's really all it takes, in.

My opinion, when someone meets someone new, when is the appropriate amount of time to know that this person could be one of the people that you spend the rest of your life with a long time with?

It's very instant and immediate. So here's the thing. Society has brainwashed us to believe that love and identifying it takes time. That's a lie in most situations. When it takes months, you have not fallen in love. You've learned to tolerate them. You've grown attached to them, all right.

You've enjoyed a part of the process. It's giving you connection. You're not lonely.

Exactly. And when you've invested months, you are more likely to not want to walk away from it because all the time and energy you put in. So now you mistake attachment to the investment as love, and it's not really love. When you sit down with people who can say they felt a real or they have a real connection with their partner, I think every story, I don't know of any one story that's opposite of this, they will all say it was pretty much instant first date. You may not know 100% fact, I'm going to marry this person, but you knew the potential was there. You knew like, this could be the one that at least came to mind. And so again, when we don't have that in that first conversation that first day, it's unlikely. I'm not going to sit there and say it's impossible that it can happen days later or a week later or whatever. But typically, and even if you can't articulate it as you knew they could be the one, when people look back, they can tell you that they felt something very strong in that initial engagement with their partner that said they knew something was different. They may not even know what it was, but they knew, okay, this isn't normal. This isn't like the rest. Something's going on here, and then there's a full realization of this is it.

What is that something that we can't understand that feeling, what is that called? Is that just like your magnets connected to each other is that your energy is so attracted because there's so much opposites or it's so much similarities. What is that force that gets people to say there was something different about this person when I met them?

I personally believe it's your spirit recognizing its match. Because if you speak to a lot of People of different religious beliefs, there's a belief that things happen in the spirit before they happen in the physical. All right? So it's almost like the spirit is ahead of us, which is why the spirit knows the truth, which is why intuition is gut instinct, third eye, whatever you want to call it, it always seems to be accurate because your spirit knows before you know. So we're feeling it within our spirit. The problem is it's getting our mind in tune with the spirit. It's allowing our heart to accept what the spirit is saying to us. But we feel it, we just don't know how to always explain it. Those who are very in tune with the spirit can recognize it much quicker and accept it for what it is, much quicker, because they're very in tune already.

Why is it so hard for our in our heart to get caught up to our gut or intuition of that initial explosion of chemistry? And also, can that explosion of connection and chemistry be harmful in a different way?

Okay, so one, fear. Fear is the number one reason why we struggle to accept. So one of the things I explained to a lot of women, you know, and I have my membership group for them, so I've had this discussion where I say, listen, the difference between intuition and fear is logical deduction. So when you're trying to analyze and break things down, that's your mind, all right? And fear is coming into that because you're saying, well, I shouldn't do this because of that, or this can't be this because of that. Intuition requires no logic. Your spirit requires no logic. It simply feels, it senses, it knows. That's it. You don't have to explain it. Again, gut instinct doesn't require things to logically add up. It just tells you this is it, or something's wrong, or this is right, or whatever the case may be. So fear is the number one thing. And that fear stems from lack of healing from past relationships. We've been down this road of emotional investment. We've gotten hurt before. We've been wrong in our lives about wanting to believe someone could be it. Even though we know this feels different, we still have the fear of disappointment that creeps back in.

How do we let go of that fear and not sabotage an amazing opportunity.

In a relationship, you got to heal from your past. There's no way around it. And this is why I say people who have not healed, they can meet their connection right now, the most amazing partner, and it will scare them to death. And they will either run, self sabotage something, it's going to be A problem because they have not healed. And when you have not healed, the vulnerability that's required in connection is so unlike anything else or with anyone else that if you don't have a level of confidence and again, a foundation of healing in your life, it seems way too overwhelming and scary. So you've got to heal in order to not find yourself sabotaging runaway and not being able to embrace that real love.

What if both parties come to something and there's this explosion of chemistry or just instant, like, wow, there's something different feeling, and both have not healed their past, but they stay together, they figure it out and they're together. Is there going to be a lot of problems and trauma and stress that comes up over the years if they both haven't healed before they get into a relationship or can they heal and in the relationship together, it is possible.

Let me backtrack a little bit. First, let me say that people have to understand there is a such thing as right person, wrong time. All right? People don't want to believe that. There are a lot of people who reject that idea. They say, oh, if it's the wrong time, it's not the right person. That's not true. You can meet that individual that you have an amazing connection with. But both parties still need growth before they can come together. All right, and so now what happens.

If they come together and they haven't healed?

So here's the thing. It is possible to get through that and survive and have a healthy relationship. It is unlikely for most people to survive being with someone you have a connection with and you have not healed. Again, most people won't even allow themselves to be with that person.

They'll sabotage it so much, they'll. They'll dive in. But then they'll cheat or they'll. They won't respond to the person. They'll do something, right?

Yes. And speaking of cheating, they. They tend to have a history of going back to an ex because the ex feels safer because it's not as vulnerable over there. All right? I can maintain more emotional control. It's familiar, so it's easier. So I've seen plenty of situations where, again, the connection was so overwhelming, so they ran back to their ex. No one. The ex is not for them and they're not for their ex. But again, it just feels safer there. So, yes, a lot can go wrong if you try to be together when you have not healed and you have this connection. It would be best to acknowledge. Okay, you know what? We got some work. We need to do we realize we have a connection here? Let's work on ourselves in the meantime before we take that next step.

Can you heal while having sex with one or multiple partners for fun on the side?

I'm not going to say it's impossible, but again, highly unlikely. Sex is such a distracting thing and we have to understand that so much can come from our sexual interactions. There can be new drama, there can be hell, an unwanted pregnancy. There can be a host of things. And all of that will derail you in the healing process. You also have to be honest with yourself. You may be having the sex because you're trying to distract yourself from the healing. Like the sex is just a coping mechanism for you. Same as drugs, same as alcohol. People turn to these things because they don't want to deal with their reality in life. So you got to be honest. Are you trying to just bury your head in sexual interactions or is it just. If it's happening in a natural flow of life, okay, then there's a greater chance that you can survive this. But you got to be really careful. I would suggest cutting that off if you're trying to heal. You know, again, I don't want to say it's impossible, but you're going to make it extremely difficult and highly unlikely, for sure.

I want to ask you about the best ways to meet someone these days. 2020, moving forward, the do's and don'ts for online dating. But what I'm hearing you say is that you shouldn't be trying to meet someone, you shouldn't be doing the online dating game until you've fully healed or at least the process of healing. Because healing is a journey. Sometimes things take a lot longer to heal fully, but at least acknowledging and starting that process, what would be a process to start healing your past relationships or pains? Before we get into the conversation of do's and don'ts of online dating.

Okay, so of course going to a therapist or coach is the ideal thing to do. You typically need that outside party that can help you process some things, help you see new perspectives and go through a process of healing. Now, I will be honest, not every coach or therapist is going to help someone heal. Sometimes it just turns into a venting session. So you've got to be real careful about. Okay, if I've been going to this therapist or coach for many weeks or months now, what progress have I really made? Have I been resolving or have I been coping? Because many are teaching you how to cope and manage and how to function within your brokenness, but they're not resolving it and helping you heal. Now, of course, I'm big on healing, so I have my book, Love After Heartbreak, which gives people the exact steps to healing. So one of the steps I'll give you, the first step is getting the.

Hurt out in front of you.

So it's this who hurt me? List. And so you get a piece of paper, you write down who hurt me? And you ask yourself the question, who hurt me? And now everyone who comes to mind, you put them on the paper. Doesn't matter if it happened very long ago, doesn't matter if you think you move past it. If they come to mind when you ask the question, then that means there's some kind of relevance there. And so now you put them on the paper and like two sentences of what they did to hurt you. This will now at least help us identify what you've been holding onto and where the hurt is and what needs to be properly addressed.

And then from there we can do.

The other steps of getting things off your chest and forgiveness and all these different things that's involved in healing.

I love that I'm a big proponent of writing letters to people that you never send them, telling them how you made you feel, what you're frustrated and angry about with them, forgiving them, letting it go. And then I like to burn the letter and bury it as well in.

The ground to hopefully create a sense.

Of like, okay, this was alive in me and now I'm killing this and this, this feeling, this energy, and I'm putting it to bed and I'm putting it back in the world to hopefully create something new, to grow something new and more loving and powerful and create that intention? But I think that's really important. When should we know that we have are healed enough? How do we know when our healing has gone far enough down its journey before we should get into meeting someone new, putting ourselves out there on social media, online dating apps and things like that.

All right, well, first thing I want to say is now there are going to be times where sending the letter to the person is actually the best thing to do.

Really?

Yes. A lot of people are scared about that, and it's a very difficult hurdle to jump. But I literally got a DM today from a woman who read the book. She wrote her letter last year to her mother. She didn't want to send it. She held onto it. She said she just finally built up the courage. Because I tell them in the book, 99% of the time, I'm going to.

Tell you to Send a letter.

So she finally did it. And she said they end up having the best conversation they've ever had in their life. And now they're like the best of friends. Like, it's taking their relationship to a whole new level. And that's not the purpose of sending it. But there's so much good that can come from taking the extra step of actually sending the letter and making sure that person is aware of how you felt and what you were going through. Now, in regards to knowing when you've properly healed, number one thing is when you can embrace being fully vulnerable with somebody. All right? If vulnerability still scares you, you have not healed enough. All right? You've got to be willing to open your heart. We can't say we want love and then put walls up around our heart and be afraid to give it to someone. You're contradicting yourself. You're working against yourself. So you've got to be willing to be vulnerable. You also have to make sure any negative perceptions that you've held onto due to past experiences, you've done away with them. So, for example, if you have been saying, all men are dogs because you've been hurt by so many men, well, you can't be out there dating and still screaming, all men are dogs.

It's not going to work in your favor.

You've got to accept that good men exist, that you can receive a great man, that you deserve a great man. So when you have a more positive outlook and way of thinking and listen, we're going to all have our negative thought moments. That happens. But your dominant or more consistent thought pattern is positive, hopeful, and things of that nature. Now we can say you're ready to get back out there.

How important is the language or the inner thoughts, the actual physical words we use in the inner language, the inner dialogue, in terms of attracting or finding.

The right partner, it's extremely important.

You know, we hear it all the time.

Words are powerful.

And the reality is that the words you speak to yourself, the thoughts you have, they will, whether knowingly or unknowingly to you, they will dictate your energy, the energy that you give off to people or the way that your spirit comes across to individuals. And so you can put on a happy face, but if your thought is negative, pessimistic, all right? And dwelling in this, then your energy.

Will still be negative.

All right? What you do on the surface isn't going to be able to hide that, which is why you have some people who swear, well, I'm not a bad Person. Yeah, but you're not a positive person.

All right, you may be good people.

But no, you are miserable. And it's not even just you're miserable, like you're dwelling in it in your life, but you give off miserable energy. And so who's going to want to be around that? Who's going to want to commit to that? At the most, they might want to have sex with you, but they're not going to want to tie themselves to you in a committed, long term relationship or marriage.

And people can feel that energy. I don't care if you're a man, woman, or in between some, you can feel the energy of someone. And if you haven't healed properly yourself, you may be attracted to a wounded individual to then try to find some validation or try to find some connection there. And that's why it's important for you to heal, so that you can fully see the energy around you and see who is a potential great match for you. Because if you haven't healed, you're going to keep attracting negativity and repeating certain patterns. Is that correct?

That is absolutely correct. And if you talk to any person who has healed, they can tell you how they feel energy even more now, where they become more aware. It's so much easier to see past the facades that so many people are putting up. Because now healing allows us to get more in tune with our spirit. And by getting more in tune with our spirit, we get more in tune with everyone's spirit. So because technically we are all connected through the spirit, all right? And so it's easier to be in touch with that when you get away, get rid of the blockage of trauma, past disappointments and hurts, disappointments, things of that nature.

It's powerful stuff, man. I'm still trying to get into my. One of my first questions, which is, what's the best way to meet someone these days in online dating? But it sounds like that's so far ahead of what you need to be thinking about first. Like, have I started to heal? Are there people who have hurt me? Is there people that I need to apologize to? You know, all these different things. It's almost like you got to do the work before you can start doing the work of finding someone.

Absolutely. I don't want a deteriorated relationship. So when I think about, yes, can I be with someone past 10, 15 years if I accept a level of mediocrity? Of course, but we don't want that.

Exactly.

I'm saying, can we maintain excellence after these 10, 15 years fulfillment?

Exactly.

Happiness, all these things. Because to me, what is the point of being here if we don't have it, if we're not operating at our highest level?

What about the saying that I hear, whether this is a meme or this is women saying this online? Maybe you know the line better than me. If he can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best.

I hate that line. I absolutely hate it.

And I hate it because it has.

Turned into validation for not addressing your flaws and issues. All right, I agree with it from the standpoint of you've got to be able to handle your partner's worst moments.

All right?

Because we're going to all have moments.

We're going to all fall.

We're all going to make a mistake. It's going to happen over time. That's just the way it is. But when you are essentially trying to say, I have a horrible flaw and you should accept it, even when I want to consistently make you deal with it, no, that's not going to work for me. I can't accept that.

That's not okay.

And so a lot of people. That's what they're turning it into.

That's you not taking accountability and responsibility for growth.

Exactly.

Going back to. Okay, this is where I'm at. I don't want to address it. You just have to accept it and. Or don't be with me.

Exactly. You know, it reminds me of, like, once upon.

I don't know.

They still say it, but I know at one time people would say arguing is healthy for a relationship. All right, I despise.

I don't know if I agree. I understand that.

Yeah.

I just don't like that.

No. At all.

Can you. Can you communicate with. We don't agree on this, but do you have to argue?

Exactly. That's my thing. Disagreement is acceptable. Disrespect is not. All right, so say it one more time. Disagreement is acceptable. Disrespect is not all right. So my thing is, yes, it's okay and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives. We can bounce ideas off each other. We simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments. But arguing. Arguing says we are being disrespectful. Whether our tone is negative, the words that we're using, you know, we're getting loud, we're getting angry.

We're.

We're basically throwing negative energy at our partner. That's not healthy. There's nothing healthy about that. But a lot of people will say that because they want to validate the unhealthiness in their relationship. They don't want to face the issue of, I need to learn how to talk to my partner better. I don't want to have to fix my tone. Why do I have to watch what I say? Because that's what an adult does.

Wow.

All right. Grow up.

You know, like, I'm sorry to anyone.

Listening to this, but that's the story. Real. We can't just think it's okay, especially with our partners, to speak. However, we want to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay. Because what people are not realizing is all it takes is that one really bad argument to plant a seed of negativity that now grows into something worse in the relationship. A lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment. And it's the culmination of all kinds of things before then. It's the buildup from that last time you disrespected me or made me feel some kind of way. And ever since then, I've resented you. And now in this resentment, I've given you an attitude.

You didn't know what the attitude was.

About because I didn't communicate clearly. Now you're giving me attitude. And now you see how it turns into other things now that attitude turns into not having sex with each other. That attitude turns into. Okay. The way that we talk to each other in general, maybe becoming secretive because now we don't feel like dealing with each other anymore. And what you don't realize is it started from disrespectful arguing.

Wow.

All right. It can also start from some other stuff. All right. But arguing is a huge problem for a lot of people, and we can't just keep sweeping under the rug. So going back to your point about the whole. Take me at my worst. Yes. Worst moment.

You have a moment always like this. And once in a while, a good attitude.

Exactly. Consistent negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected.

So arguments are disrespect, but disagreements is okay? Is that what you said?

Disagreement is acceptable. Disrespect is not.

Yes. So you can always disagree. And you can agree to not agree.

Yeah.

Or you can. Is that right? Agree to disagree.

Yeah. Agree to disagree.

But you. But what I'm hearing you say is that arguing, saying what's on your mind in an angry, aggressive way, tearing down a partner is never going to do anything good for Someone.

Exactly. People have to understand whenever someone feels attacked, they will defend themselves. Even if they know they're wrong, Even if the point you're making is actually solid, the way you're coming at them negates their ability to receive it. But that's why even me as a speaker, my focus has been, do I want to be heard or do I want people to receive my message? All right, if I want to be heard, I can speak however I want. I can be blatant with the insults. I can cut people down. I can just make jokes of everybody's situation because it's entertainment. I just want to be heard. But no, I want people to receive it. And if I want people to receive it, I have to be more considerate, more compassionate. I have to check my tone. I have to be careful with my words. And that's why people watch my videos. They'll see. I try to be very careful with my words because I want you to receive what I'm saying. So if we're in a relationship, we have to take that approach. If you want them to hear you, be mindful of how you're talking to them.

Why is this so hard for people?

Because, again, they don't want to face the. Or they don't want to do the work of correction.

All right?

And the work of correction can entail the healing. And again, facing those issues, it's also conditioning. If people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other, it's very. It's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way. It's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen. All right? So now they have to reprogram themselves. And that's a lot of work. And I think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong. People don't like to face that they were wrong. They don't want to have to accept that. So it's. No, I have to dig an even deeper hole and stick with this whole negative approach of how I do things. Because, no, there's nothing wrong with this. Or I see other people do it. You know, they're fine. No, they're not fine. They're not okay. You know, So I think those reasons just, overall, they don't want to have to do the work, and so they rather make excuses for it.

So it sounds like, again, we go back to step one, healing. If you can learn to heal, you can start to improve the quality of your choices. Dating someone in a relationship or getting out quicker, you can Be a more effective communicator in relationships. Whether you're dating or in a long term committed relationship, you can have a better relationship overall with yourself when you heal and with someone else. So can you give me a breakdown, a Boot Camp 101 on how to recognize what you need to heal and then how to start healing that? What does that look like for someone? Okay, I need to heal. Stephon, what do you mean by that? How do I do it? How do I get started? How long does it take to get healed? Okay, is this a lifelong journey? Is this overnight? What does it look like?

All right, so first thing, how long does it take to heal? Is going to take as long as you're willing to put in the work. Healing is not a time thing. It's a work thing. So when you hear people say, time heals all wounds. No, it doesn't. Time alone doesn't heal a damn thing.

All right?

It can help. It does aid in the process, but by itself, it is no good. You have to take certain steps. So when people think, well, I'm going to take a year off from relationships to heal, why a year? And if you're not doing the work in that year, that year means nothing. And that's what happens to a lot of people. People, they took a year off, but what they did was they hid from the world, they hid from relationships. They went in their corner, all right, and distracted themselves, but they never healed.

Now they come back out of that.

Year, and they're still the same person.

Or maybe they're not the same. Maybe the first few months of dating, they're a little different, but then they fall back into.

Exactly. Because they never resolve things at its core. Now, in terms of recognizing what to heal, my first step is. It's called the who hurt me list.

All right?

So you get a piece of paper, you write down a piece of paper, who hurt me? And now every person who comes to mind, you write them down on the piece of paper. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened, doesn't matter if you think you've moved past it, if you think it's not relevant, if they come to mind, then there's some level of relevance there. Put them on the paper in about a sentence or two of what they did to hurt you. All right, this is how we're going to start to locate what you've been holding on to. But you really got to go into this exercise very genuine. You can't be trying to control the narrative. You just got to let yourself feel. Just ask yourself the question. Close your eyes. Let it come out.

What's the question they should ask?

Who hurt me? Who hurt me? That's it.

Who hurt them?

That's it.

And what if they're like, I can only think of like three people that really hurt me. Should it be thinking of like every instant they can think of from childhood of that one comment, or should this be. This person punched me in the face.

Anybody who comes to mind. So I don't want them to force it, but I don't want them to under undermine it in any kind of way either. Just whoever comes to mind, put them on the paper. Because even if there's a situation where you forgot somebody, if we tackle the big one, you're not going to be able to escape the big ones. The big ones are going to come out. They're going to come to mind. If we can tackle those, then that might set the stage where everything else gets taken care of naturally.

Sure.

All right. Because now your awareness is going to be there and your level of healing will allow you to see things different.

If I'm completely honest, I think there's obviously always historically been so much pressure on women and how they approach relationships, and I think there's now a lot of that pressure on men.