The Love Experts: Why 99% of Relationships FAIL “It’s Because of 3 Reasons!”

Hello, my friend. If you are looking for love, if you're looking to build a healthy relationship or you're trying to fix a relationship that you have and make it a safer environment and a long lasting, loving relationship, then you've come to the right place. Welcome to the School of Greatness. I'm your host, Lewis Howes. In today's episode, we are diving deep into four powerful moments that have resonated with the world about relationships from our show. from healing past traumas to embracing vulnerability, get ready to embark on a journey towards deeper connections and genuine love. We don't go into relationships thinking that they're going to fail. At least I know I don't. I've always tried to make them work, but a lot of them in the past haven't worked. And I've learned hard, painful lessons. And I'm going to share some of those lessons with you today and also dive into some of these powerful moments. So in this episode, We are going to explore key reasons why relationships fail and what you can do to find lasting love.

It's been so amazing.

Last year was just a transformative, life-changing event. Team Greatness is great. My name is Lewis Howes. Thanks so much for being here. I want to remind you about the Summit of Greatness, our annual conference, happening this September in Los Angeles. With David Goggins, Dr. Joe Dispenza, and many more incredible speakers and performers, there will be so many live attendees there that you can meet with, you can network with, and you can help transform your life. I can't wait to see you at the Summit of Greatness here in Los Angeles. To start, I'm going to introduce you to Michael Todd as he shares why 99% of relationships fail. And this is a huge one that most people miss out on and what you can do today to find lasting love. Now, Michael's insights on authenticity, trauma, and self-love are crucial for anyone looking to build a strong foundation in their relationships. And as you watch or listen, think to yourself, how can being fully authentic and addressing past traumas help us create deeper, more meaningful connections. Why do you think a lot of relationships aren't working out today?

Yeah.

Specifically to our culture and society, is it because people are choosing wrong? Is it because they're getting into a relationship at the wrong time? Is it because they're not clear on the tools on how to have healthy relationships in intimacy? What do you think is wrong with relationships today?

So first off, I want to say that relationships are how we were, I believe, designed to interact with each other in this life. So for everybody that's listening and watching, be like, that's why I don't do no relationships. I don't want no relationships. Like you're missing out on, I believe, what is the fabric, the most valuable connection you could have is authentic, real, the life-giving relationship with somebody else. So for everybody that's been hurt, I just feel to start there, to everybody who's been burned and wounded and all that other stuff, I do believe that this is how God intended for it to be us to be in relationship. But the reason to answer your question, why I think it's so hard and it doesn't seem like a lot of people are doing well in relationship, is because of three reasons. Number one, I don't think that they're bringing their full self to the relationship. I think many times when people start in relationship, they really give versions of themselves. And I understand it to a degree, but some people have been married for 10 years and still they've never met who they really are married to.

Ooh.

Some people have been in business with people for years and they've never really met their business partner. They're getting these versions of them that are triggered by number two, their trauma.

Mm-.

So the version I present of you is not really who I am, it's who I am after I was in the relationship with the last guy. It's after I'm in the relationship with the last business partner. So when I come, I don't come with fresh trust, I don't come with fresh expectation, I don't come assuming the best, I come to you like maybe you won't hurt me like the other person did. So I'm going to give you this much because I never want to actually feel that again. And you can never really love unless hurt is an option.

Say that one more time.

You can never really love is being hurt is not an option.

Interesting.

And a lot of people are trying to mitigate the hurt, so they also mitigate the amount of love they can feel.

Interesting.

And at the level that you are vulnerable, it's the level that you can actually experience the love, the acceptance, the joy that you really want in a marriage. And so I always ask people, I was like, who are you bringing to this relationship? Are you bringing the broken, battered, wounded, jacked up, pessimistic version of yourself to this? Are you actually saying you know what, I need to start over, this is a brand new person, I need to maybe not even be in a relationship right now so I can go heal. And that's my burden of even this book and some of the things that I'm talking about. I really feel like the quality of our life would increase if we would allow the quality of our healing to increase. and most people don't want to take the time to heal. I mean, you used to play ball.

Yeah, man.

Like, think about it. Every contact sport has an off season. And the primary reason for an off season is what?

Healing.

Healing. I've been getting hit. I've been running. I've been lifting weights. I've been ripping and tearing and all the different things. And so I need a season so that I can become the version of me that I know I can be a peer, but my body, my emotions, my will needs time to become that in here.

Yes.

And a lot of people are jumping from relationship to relationship business, entrepreneurship to business, entrepreneurship partner. They're going from this to that. And I'm scared that many people aren't reaching their greatest purpose or their greatest height because they have not taken the time to actually heal. And so that would be the answer to my question, to your question holistically. I think people aren't doing good in relationships is because they're not tending to themselves.

Right, they're not tending. So you said not bringing the full self to the other person, whether it's intimacy, whether it's friendship or business, they're allowing their traumas to guard them or hold them back as well because they're not allowing themselves to recover or heal. What would be the third thing that you say?

I would say that the third thing of this, and now my mind, you got my mind going a thousand places. Now I'm ready to start relationship goals part 2. But the third thing would be that, They do not give, they don't tend to themselves.

Yeah, they don't tend themselves.

So what ends up happening is I'm a person of faith and so the Bible says that you can only love your neighbor at the level that you love yourself.

So if you have a level two out of ten of self-love, you only.

Can give at maximum a two. And a lot of times you don't give nobody else the maximum. So again, if you can't deal with you, if you can't look at yourself in the mirror, if you can't forgive yourself, if you can't say we failed back there, but there's still greatness in the inside of you. If you can't do that to yourself, it's very difficult to love somebody else at that level. And that's where I think a lot of times our relationships are really a reflection. The reason it's not working is because you can't divorce you, but you can let go of them. And you don't like what you're getting from you, but you can not like what you're getting from them and try it again. And so I think that sometimes I'm talking heavy right now, Louis, but what I am saying, is I feel like some people need to take time to reflect and remember to retune and then renew. And I think that's how out of that, your relationships will be so much more vibrant. They'll be so much more intentional, as well as you'll get to experience the fruitfulness and the joy out of those relationships because you've done enough work on you to know what you're actually looking for.

This idea of healing is something that I've really loved over my last decade, but specifically over the last two and a half years, I've dived deeper into internal and spiritual healing.

Yes, sir.

And it has created a level of peace and an internal environment of harmony that I've never experienced in my life.

Yes, sir.

That allows me to see clearly, or at least more clearly, right, of who's in front of me, what I want, it just gives me more awareness. But I remember many years, if not decades, feeling very anxious when a relationship wasn't working out, going through a breakup and feeling like I gotta get back on, you know, my relationship game quickly. And never really taking the time to heal because it was really scary. It was really scary to face the trauma or the shame or the whatever it was I was holding on to. It was scary and all I wanted was intimacy and connection with someone else. want to be alone. Yes. I don't know if anyone can relate to this.

Everybody can relate to that. Everybody.

So for those who are like, you know what? But it's just, it feels, I feel so alone. I feel so scared. This trauma, I don't want to think about it because it's so dark. Yeah. Or it's so hard for me to focus on. What do you say to people that are really struggling, that really want love, really want intimacy and connection and just deep come Compassion with someone else, but they're afraid to do the healing work because the trauma is so scary.

So I would say to you, because I know there's thousands of people watching this that feel that exact same thing. You need to examine the pattern.

Man, that's so true.

Because if this is a pattern of you continually getting hurt because you do not heal, then it might be better for you long term, to do the work to heal so that you can cut the cycle.

Yes.

I think about Rest in Heaven, Kobe Bryant, when he tore his Achilles, and he said he could come back and play before he was fully healed. He was ready. I mean, and he would have probably been better than nine out of 10 people on the floor. He could have fooled everybody, but he knew he wasn't his 100%.

He wasn't his best.

He was not his best. So if it came down to the last minute when he really needed to be his best, he wouldn't have what he needed to have. So they took the time for him to actually heal. What I'm saying is you may be fooling everybody. You may, your Instagram is popping, your business is successful, you got the bag and the body, and you got all the different things, but you know deep down in your soul, your mind, will, and emotions, you know you're still hurting. And so what ends up happening is you come in limping to love. You limp into love. Instead of leaping into love. You should be able to go a lot higher, but because you're still aware of the thing that you need to be healed, you don't go. And so what I'm saying is, if this is a pattern, if this has been the same, it was John and then it was Joey and then it was Julio, then it was Ja'Quan, and then it was Jared. If it's the same thing, you might want to step back and get a new perspective because the pattern is the same. And a season of discipline can produce a lifetime of freedom.

Come on.

And that's where I just, my encouragement, I've counseled too many people. I've been around too many people. I've helped so many people get through this hump in their life. And what they realize is what they're scared of, they need the most. That intentional time with themselves, that intentional time with God, that intentional time with community, that intentional time in counseling. They need that because if you discover you, if you find out who you were made to be and walk in your purpose and get confident in that thing, then you actually will attract what you really want to love. And most people are attracting to their insecurities.

Oh, man, that's true.

You're attracting based on your trauma, not on the healed version of you.

Right.

And so you're looking for somebody to play savior and they can't. They've never been able to have that ability in this life. And so I would just encourage those people. I know I know it's frustrating. I know you probably even tried before, but as someone who can identify with you, like as someone who did not want to face their trauma, did not want to talk about the bad stuff that happened, did not want to even block stuff out, like, like, no, like, I'm not going there. Like, the journey that I've gone on to actually take everything that has damaged me and say, you know what? I may be damaged, but I'm not destroyed. this thing that was trauma, it actually can be fuel to make me triumph. I learned that the value was still in me. And then once I learned the value was in me, then I could give and add value to other people. And so I'm telling you, it may be hard, but it's going to be worth it.

I love this segment because Michael talks about these keys to really creating lasting love. And I think one of the biggest that resonated with me is making sure you take the time to heal. I've heard this from so many different relationship experts that I've interviewed here over the years, and I have made this mistake more times than I can remember, where I didn't take the time to heal between relationships, or I didn't take the time to heal within a relationship, and I just wanted to fix something and not address the traumas, the pains, or the things that were causing me breakdown. So really take the time to heal. If you're in a long-term relationship right now that you feel like you're struggling or there's a lot of friction, take the time and space within the relationship. You don't have to end it and break up the person. Just take the time to make sure you heal. Then you can create a better relationship moving forward or take the necessary steps to remove yourself from that relationship. This will allow you to get clear on what are these negative patterns that I'm constantly in and how can I shift them or shift into a different relationship with myself or the person I'm with. so again, I hope you enjoyed that. Leave a comment below on what your big takeaway from that moment was. So next up we have New York Times bestselling author and relationship coach Matthew Hussey, who is one of my longtime friends and a favorite here on the School of Greatness. He emphasizes that love is not enough in intimate relationships. And this is a concept that I thought, you know, love is all you need. This is something we hear all the time. But he says, Love is not enough. So let's take a look and let me know what you think.

A friend of mine I wrote about in the book, her name is Tanya. She had a very, very busy career for a long time and was at a point in her life where she wanted a relationship. And she also knew she wanted a family. She wanted marriage, she wanted kids. And she got to the point where She just would be very not upfront with people about asking, like, do you want that with me? She would never do that.

Do you want to have kids? Do you want to be married?

She would literally bring those things up proactively and say, but she would almost start with herself. So she'd say, I'm really excited. Whenever they asked her a question about her love life, she'd say, I'm really in a place in my life where I've worked hard for a long time. I've put a lot of focus into my career. I feel like I'm ready now. I get really excited about the idea of being married. I get excited about the idea of being a mum. That's something I really want for myself at some point. And by saying that, she wasn't saying, I want it tomorrow. But by saying that, she was very clearly putting her cards on the table about what was important to her. She wasn't trying to play cool and indifferent and like, yeah, just see what life throws at me. I don't care. Yeah, she's very clearly like, this is something I'm excited about in my life. How about you? And then you're inviting someone to the conversation. You're doing it in a way where you're making it, it's a very positive thing. This is, you know, often we think of the things we want as our baggage. How do I bring up the fact that I want kids or that I want to get married or like, I don't want to scare and I don't want to, we come at it from this place of like, it's, I'm fearful of putting my intentions on the table. But what she did very well is she didn't make them her intentions for someone else. She made her intentions for herself. She was just letting the person in on those intentions. And then she was asking what their intentions were for themselves. So in doing that, you're not making it about like we're on date four and having this conversation that's way ahead of where we are right now for each other, I mean. It was more, I'm the same way that I might on a date talk about how I'm excited to start this business in the next few years. Well, what's the difference between that and I'm excited to be married in the next few years or I'm excited to have a family in the next few years? Like, what's the difference? They're all just things. They're all goals of yours. They're all things you're excited about for your life. So why attach all this baggage to the one that you know, might one day involve someone else. It's because we're our fear of getting rejected is getting involved and saying they're going to make they're going to think that I'm putting pressure on them or whatever. But actually, if we own it as our intentions and, and we own the fact that they haven't even they're not even at the point where we could know that we like, you're not at the point where I know I could want that with you right now.

Right, right.

There's a Hundred more experiences we need to go through before I would ever know that you're the person that I want for that. So how could it be about you right now? This is about me. But I'm curious to know whether, you know, what it is you want in your life. Because if for you, you told me today, oh, I categorically never want to have kids.

Right.

And that's important to me. Then, hey, that's cool. I get it. Let's have a great dinner.

And then see you later.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have a good one.

Exactly.

It's so interesting you say this because Martha did a really good job of being curious with her questions with me early on and not reacting or being like, I can't believe that's what you want right now.

Being neutral about it.

Yeah, just kind of being like curious about, tell me about this and tell me about this and tell me about your past and all these things where she wasn't reactive and making me wrong or shameful for my life. And she wasn't like, oh, that's really scary or something like that. She was more curious and just paying attention and noticing and there was about maybe a month and a half in of us dating, maybe it was two months, I can't remember. We weren't officially committed yet, but we were dating and seeing, you know, having a hundred of those little moments. She said, hey, I want to ask you a question with a pause. And I was like, okay, what is this? I've already told you this before. She was like, what are your prior? She said, what are your priorities in life? I think every woman says this at some point to some guy they're dating. what are your priorities? And I got sad in that moment. I got sad because for the first time, I was like, Man, I really like her and I feel like we're in harmony in a lot of areas. We're in alignment in a lot of areas. But every time I've shared my priorities in previous relationships, there's always a negative reaction. There's always a pain, an anger, an upset.

Something.

So I was like, I'm really sad because, and I said this to her, I said, I'm going to tell you the truth of my priorities, but I think this is the last conversation we might have. And I was really, I was really sad because I was like, dang it, I'm really enjoying my time with her. And I just don't know if she's willing to accept the priorities in my life right now. And she kind of got a little, she was like, what is it? She thought it was going to be some horrible thing or something, right? so I'm like, listen, I'm one of this whole time I've known you, I've been 100% honest with you about everything, even stuff that's uncomfortable for me, from my past or shameful things. And so my priority is to continue to be honest with you, but I just don't think you can handle what I'm about to tell you. And I don't think you're going to accept it. And then she eventually was like, listen, trust me, I'll be able to handle it. I said, okay, no woman has ever handled my response to this question before, but it's nice knowing you. It's been nice knowing you. And I was really sad. I was really sad before I shared it. And I said, listen, my first priority in life, and this may change in the future, but this is where I'm at right now in this season of my life. My first priority is my health, because I want to be healthy. I want to make sure I'm taking care of my mental health, physical, spiritual health. so I need time every day to take care of that. And that's a number one priority. If I don't take care of health, I'm not going to have good energy. I'm not going to be as happy. I'm going to be, you know, cranky, and that's not the life I want to live. So that's the first priority for me. And I've told that to previous relationships, and every girl I was dating got mad at me for saying health as number one, as opposed to them as number one, the relationship. And she didn't react right away, so I was like, okay, priority number two, you're not gonna like this.

Hold on, it gets worse.

Yes. Priority number two, you're not gonna like this. It's still not gonna be you if we're in a relationship. Priority number two is my vision, is my purpose in life. What I feel, you know, I don't know the magic and the miracle of life and why we're here, I don't know the answer to. But I do know that there's some type of calling inside of me, some type of voice, some type of pull telling me that I need to continue to grow, continue to develop and to serve humanity in a specific way as my purpose for this season of life. And that requires a lot of time, a lot of energy and a lot of attention. And I know if I'm not taking care of my energy with that priority, I will be frustrated, cranky, grumpy. I'll feel like something's off inside of me because I'm pulling myself away from my purpose of this season of life. And that's priority number two. It's still not you. Or if we get together, it won't be you, right? And she didn't react right away. She's just kind of like, okay, and what else? And I said, priority number three in my, in my life right now is my my intimate relationship. You know, if that's with you or whatever it might be, it'll be creating a healthy, loving environment, a peaceful environment in a relationship so we can thrive together in a relationship. And those are my top three priorities. And I'm just kind of waiting for her to say, okay, see you later. But she goes, I love that. You know, that's really beautiful. And I've. And I've always wanted to meet a man who valued their health. valued their purpose and valued the relationship. And I said, Really? You're not going to run away? You're not afraid of that? She said, no. She goes, that makes sense to me. And it was in alignment with her as well. And I said, Listen, the reason I'm saying this, because if I'm extremely healthy and taking care of mentally, physically, spiritually, if I'm on purpose on a daily consistent basis, I'm going to be more alive, I'm going to have more energy, and you're going to feel like the number one priority. You will feel my love, my appreciation, my attention, my care, my thoughtfulness, my generosity, a thousand fold than if I made you the number one priority and I neglected health and I neglected purpose. That would only last so long where I could pour into you as my only priority, top priority, and then everything else is secondary. and so you will feel like number one priority if you're in alignment with me with these other two. And it was a beautiful experience because I thought the relationship was going to be over, but instead that's when it started. When it was like, okay, I'm able to have a challenging conversation and share these things vulnerably. The fear that you may not like what I'm about to say. And if I'm accepted with that, then it felt like it was just starting to begin with that challenging conversation. And I think a lot of us get afraid of opening up. We get afraid of talking about these things. Or even, like you said, like, you know, my intention is to have a family one day. It doesn't have to be with you starting next month, which that would scare me away. If someone's like, I need this by next month, we need to make this happen.

So sure.

That doesn't work for me. We don't know each other. But I think having these uncomfortable conversations earlier on will create more freedom later in the future. Wow. Love is not enough. I remember posting a clip talking about this myself on social media and I think it got like 10 million views. When someone said, well, why is it not enough? I said, you need values, vision, and lifestyle. And you need to really prioritize values first, I believe. And make sure that you're in alignment and super clear with the person that you're dating or entering a committed relationship with and say, these are my values and not make someone else wrong if they don't have the same values as you and really asking yourself, are we in alignment? We don't have to have all the values exactly the same, but am I okay with their values if they're not mine? And are they okay with mine? Or are these going to be challenges and struggles in the future because we're just not in alignment on our values? so I wish that we could all live in fairy land and think that love is all you need. And sometimes maybe it is. But for most of the time, I really feel like you need values, you need your vision to be in alignment, and you need your lifestyle alignments to be there as well. That's my thought. What do you think below? Is love enough? Do you need more than love? Leave a comment below and let me know what you think. Now, in our next segment is, you know, my favorite person in the world. It's Martha Igarreta. She's my fiance. She's spoke on Summit of Greatness 2023 stage where I proposed to her in front of the entire audience. There was a beautiful moment. But we talked about before I proposed, we talked about the importance of authenticity, acceptance, joy, and freedom in relationships. And I'll tell you what, I've been in many relationships in the past and I've never felt free in any of those relationships. In this one, I do. It is an incredible feeling that I want everyone who experiences a loving relationship to have. And when you don't feel free in a relationship, I'm not saying you can do whatever you want in the relationship, but I feel free to be myself. I accept myself and I feel accepted by her. It's a beautiful thing. And I didn't know that was possible because I never experienced that in any relationship before. I don't know if you can relate to that. Raise your hand. Leave a comment below like this if that relates to you. if you know what that feels like, but it's suffocating. It feels like you're trapped. It feels like you're a prisoner to a relationship and you have to change yourself constantly. But Martha's approach, she really talks about chemistry versus compatibility in this moment that we're gonna share with you. And she offers a fresh perspective on attracting your ideal partner. I'm so excited for you to listen to this, to watch it, leave a comment below, as you're listening and let me know what you think.

So my acronym is the word balanced and balanced with triple C. Actually, we can. We'll go into it.

But it's not passion or chemistry.

It's not passion. It's not chemistry. No, no. You know, that's the other thing. Because. Because I think chemistry is extremely overrated. It should be valued because I think it's important, but it's extremely overrated. Because what chemistry does, and this is why they say love is blind, is because it really gets in the front of your head, creates all these chemicals, and you're not able to see the person as who they really are. You're feeling these chemicals and you think you like the person, but you're actually, what you're liking is the chemical reaction. that person is creating in you. You don't know this person. How can you really like them or love them? So that's why I'm a firm believer in the advice that my parents always told me, which is spend time getting to know the other person. And everything that comes your way is just information. You don't try to add to it, make them more you know, amazing that they really are. And also you don't try to delete all the little things and little red flags that you're seeing. Everything is information.

And you don't, what I've heard you talk about is like not choosing to be with someone based on potential.

No, no, no, no.

Why not?

Because then you're all, you're, you're basically going to spend a lot of time to try to mold them and make them or encourage them. to becoming that potential, but every person is just living their own life. Nobody wants to be changed. You know, saying to a person, you should do this, you should do that. Nobody likes that. I guess it's different if you're seeing.

That someone's taking their own actions and they're becoming something. Yes. That's different. They're inspired by that potential.

Yeah.

But if you're like, wow, they're so good, but they could be so much more, but they're not taking any actions to show it, then that's not the same.

And that's why I think the key of what you just said is if you're already seeing they're taking action. The problem is if they're not taking action but you are the one seeing that they could take the action, you're gonna start saying, hey, do this, do that, do this. And at the end of the day, that creates a dynamic that is like this. You telling this person that they should be different and that creates a lot of resentment from the other person and a lot of on yourself because you're trying really hard to change them.

Right, right. One of the things that, you know, before you get into your acronym, which I know I think is really powerful, we've read so many books together. I'll talk about some of this. We've done so many different things together, which has been really cool. But one of the things that we talked about before we got, you know, committed to one another, we spent many months together, so much time together before we got committed. I made a conscious decision, and I think you did as well, that we were going to choose to accept the person for who they were in that moment and what we've experienced and saying, okay, if this is who you are, I choose to accept you. It doesn't mean I'm not gonna get frustrated or be, you know, have some aggravations here and there, but choosing to accept and love you for this person that I'm experiencing and let stuff go, like just not let other things affect me. Yeah, that takes a lot of work for me to continue to grow and a lot of work for you to continue to grow to accept one another. So, it's been... But having that and feeling like I can be 100% who I am is the greatest peace and freedom I've ever experienced in my life.

-Me too for me.

-And I'm sure for you. Like, I told her before this day, I said, Listen, if we're going to choose to commit to one another, I said, I'm never going to get angry at you. And I don't think I have. Maybe I've gotten I've gotten, you know, a little frustrated, but I haven't gotten angry at you in over two years. No. I mean, call me out if I am. No, you haven't. I've gotten maybe frustrated or I've been tired or I've been, you know, whatever, not my best self, but I'm not getting angry at you. And hopefully I never do get angry at you, but I made that commitment. I was like, I am going to accept you, you know, as long as we're living into the agreements that we've agreed to.

Yeah.

With flexibility, with, you know, patience, then I should have no reason to be angry at you because I've gotten to know you up to this point of who you are. I've seen so much of you, probably 90% of your personality I got to witness in multiple months of tons of time and trips and traveling and all these things we went to. I was like, okay, I've seen a lot of your personality. Obviously, I don't know everything about you, but we knew a lot about each other. And I was like, okay, if this is who you are, then there's no reason for me to get Unless you start not acting this way and you act like a completely different person, I'm going to accept you and never get angry at you. Because there's no reason for me to. And hopefully that makes you feel at peace.

It makes me feel very at peace.

And I know, and I said, and that's my one thing. I need you to accept and love me. Because if I'm gonna give that to you, I don't want someone getting angry at me or reacting or frustrated, it doesn't work for me. -Yeah. -And so it was a mutual agreement and understanding from the beginning. And again, I was like, it doesn't mean you can't be frustrated or let down or sad or disappointed. You can have emotions and feel things but lashing out on me doesn't make sense if we're trying to create a value system of conscious relationship. For me, it didn't make sense because I'd had that so many times in the past and I didn't like it. So, I'd rather be alone and single and peace in my own space than be on eggshells, wondering when is someone going to be unhappy with me or react to me or whatever. And so it's been a beautiful experience. I'm very grateful for you for that. Beautiful experience, right? But I don't know if a lot of people can have learned how to do that. And so what is this balanced acronym.

That you-- oh, yeah. So, okay, this-- I think this is very important. I mean, at least it was for me, and it is for me. One of them, so that I said is balanced, right? So the B, which is super important, is be yourself. A lot of the times when we meet someone new, we are trying to mold ourselves to who they are, or just show the best version of yourself all the time, or things like that. Just be yourself. And in order for you to be yourself and your authentic self, get to know yourself. And getting to know yourself also takes the exercise of knowing how do you like to be loved and how you like to love.

And we got very fortunate because early on we went through so many different exercises on our love languages. Yeah. I don't know if it was like just synchronicities or timing, but we have the exact same order of love language, meaning what I like to give, I also like to receive, and she likes to give and receive as well. So, I'm not really a gift person. If she buys me a gift, I'm like, Thank you, but it's not like, oh, it makes me feel so loved and so warm and I feel so appreciated and seen. It's like, I'm cool, but I can buy this myself. you know, I'm kind of have that mentality. Okay, cool. But doesn't make me feel loved.

-Yeah.

-But touch and affirmations, you know, and words of affirmation, like, I'm doing that with you all day and you're doing that with me. And I'm like, man, I feel really loved. So I don't have to work harder to make you feel loved. And you don't have to work harder to make me feel loved or get do something that you normally don't do authentically. Yeah, and I think that alignment has been really helpful and I'm not saying it's what has to happen, but it's been really helpful for me and for others.

Yeah, it's been really helpful and even if we didn't have the same love languages because maybe some people here say wait wait a second, we don't have the same love languages. We do and this is great, mom and dad they have it too. They have words of affirmation with each other and acts of service with each other. But if you have different ones, You can have the conversation and then do the things that you know for the other person will make them feel loved.

Exactly.

And then vice versa.

Exactly.

So it's the B. So the B is be your authentic self. The A is so important, which we touched a little bit on this, is acceptance. It's so important to accept the other person, which is why it's important to take your time to get to know them, because you're going to see if the things that you hold as your values, as your vision, and as your lifestyle matches with the values which is so important of the other person and their vision.

Yeah.

And also the lifestyle.

We did a lot of exercises early on about our values and our vision. We actually went to a location and we did a whole meditation process where I said, listen, I want you to write your values and I'm gonna write my values. We're not gonna let each other see them until after we both complete it. Because I wanted to see if we were in alignment or if we're completely off on things. Not meaning it wouldn't work out but we'd have to come to an agreement on alignment. And we had so many things in alignment based on this exercise where I was like, okay, she's not just writing something down because she knows I wrote it down and vice versa. so she's not doing something because she wants to impress me. You were just writing down what your values were. And that was just another helpful exercise, I think, for both of us. Yeah. Okay, maybe those three things are my values, but I'm not against those things. And same thing for you. It's like, okay, he really values this. It's not really for you, but you're not against it. It's not against your values.

It actually enriches my life and vice versa. So, and a lot of them were very similar values. It was a beautiful exercise that I recommend to everybody, even if you are already together. Just write separate from each other. What are your values?

See how you can find alignment. We did, I mean, we did six-seven, we did an eight-hour therapy session on a Saturday one time together. And it's kind of crazy, but it's also extremely powerful on all the different exercises that we did. And we learned more and more about each other. each other. Even though we were doing these exercises together, it was powerful to have a third party who had been seasoned in these things to support us and any disagreements we might have. Because we do have disagreements, but they don't become arguments because we create conscious conversations to form new agreements around a disagreement. And that allows us to have more peace and harmony as opposed to resentment. So it's beautiful what you're talking about with that.

Yeah, I think acceptance is very important because of the changing thing that we just talked about. Most people don't want to be changed by the other person. So it just accept the person for who they are and where they are.

Exactly.

I think that's very important. And the L from balance is laughter. I think laughter, joy. sexiness, like anything that you guys enjoy together. That's why I said laughter and joy. I'm curating this, all of this for Harper.

Exactly.

I think that's important.

Yeah.

Laughter, joy, appreciation with each other, you know, having these moments, I think, you know, I don't think anyone's gonna disagree with that. The other A, which I think I think is extremely important is allowance.

And I think, what do you mean by allowance? Allowing someone to do whatever they want at any moment, at any time?

No, I think allowance has to do with flexibility, like allowing the person to make mistakes. Sometimes we get into, when you're in relationships, you get into silly arguments because somebody made just a tiny mistake and you're like, Ah, how come you take out the dogs and I don't know. Well, I just forgot. And that's okay. Like allowance. Have the allowance.

I don't have to be perfect all the time.

You don't have to be perfect all the time.

No.

And also because I am living my human experience and Lewis is living his human experience and we're just sharing it with each other. So if in your human experience there's something that happens to you, you're just living your life and I'm here for you and next to you and you're allowed to be, you know, it's the allowance also of having freedom, freedom in the relationship within the relationship. I think it's important. Like the other day you came home and I saw this jiu-jitsu, jiu-jitsu suit outfit and I'm like oh it looks like he's getting into into jiu-jitsu now. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna get into jiu-jitsu. Oh, what if your ears go into, like, if he wants to turn his ears into broccoli or whatever Brussels sprouts? I'm like, that's his life. It's good. He's living his life.

Broccoli?

I don't know.

Cauliflower?

Cauliflower? I don't know how you call it.

I just think it's a vegetable. Who wants to turn his ears into and asparagus. Like a salad.

I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna love you. It's your life. We're sharing it with each other. So anybody's allowed sometimes, well, you know, I want to go on this trip with the guys. Go on the trip with the guys, if that's something you need. And I'm sure he's okay with me going on a trip with the girls. Like sometimes we get stuck in these little things because they make us feel in on and so the more we feel unsafe, we want to have these parameters to create safety, but in reality, it starts creating a cage.

Again, one of my favorite people in the world, Martha, I'm so grateful for her. And if you haven't seen the full episode of that interview, we'll have it linked below where you can see me actually proposing to her on stage. It's on YouTube as well. You can check that out. And the big takeaway for me, I mentioned this before, before we started this moment was acceptance and allowance. One of the things that, you know, Martha and I did early on is we went to couples therapy together as we started dating early on. And there wasn't any, like, problem or challenge, really. We had minor things we had to address and discuss to get alignment on, but we did it not to fix anything, but to make sure we were setting up a strong foundation. And one of the key things that we talked about was acceptance and allowance. Before we got committed, I said, listen, I have one condition is that when we are exclusively committed, you fully accept who I am and I accept who you are. You've got specific things in your career and as an actress, in your lifestyle that I get to choose to accept. And same for me. You've got to accept me and my lifestyle and my career choices and the things that I do as well. Now we create boundaries, we create agreements, and all these different things, but I accept who you are at your core, your personality, your flaws, your imperfections, and you accept those with me, knowing that we are also committed to growing as individuals. We're committed to becoming better and not just staying where we're at for the rest of our lives. So it's these agreements when there is acceptance and allowance as well. But finding a partner that can be in alignment with you on those things, having those agreements and allowances, and acceptance is a beautiful and powerful thing. And for our final moment of today, this is a extremely powerful guest that we've had on. Her name is Dr. Caroline Leaf, and she talks about the fascinating world of neurophysiology and emotional dynamics. And Dr. Leaf reveals the science behind falling in love and staying in love, and from preparing your brain before resolving conflicts to cultivating self-compassion, Dr. Caroline Leaf's insights will help you create a safe emotional space in your relationship, both emotionally and physically. And as you listen or watch this segment, think to yourself, how can I really understand the brain's role in relationships to help us build stronger, more resilient bonds? Let's go ahead and take a look. if someone's in a broken relationship right now, maybe they've been arguing for years or fighting, they don't, you know, maybe they have good weeks and then there's a bad week and it's the cycle of good and bad up and down and it just feels like it's draining or exhausting. What can they do to start healing the relationship, to start healing individually and the relationship to create harmony in the future? What are those steps?

Okay, so first thing is if it's an abusive relationship, then obviously just get safe. It's priority, as we all know. But let's say that it's not an.

Abusive, it's just, you're just going some bad habits. Both of you are doing bad habits.

Both of you are trying to fix the other person. Both of you are. But you still together because there's love. There's that. And there's a desire to be together. So if it's that, so that's the scenario. Okay, so the first thing to do is to get into some good practices that will help calm your neurophysiology down. So I call that brain preparation.

You kind of your nervous system or.

Calming the entire neurophysiology so that when you, when your mind, you've got a calm, wise mind that's always active and always on your side. Then we have our messy mind that's in the relationship. It's in the moment. It's the in the moment messy mind. It's a reactive, reactive learning. It's, it's very normal. It's, it's, it's like experimental. And it sometimes goes really messy and other times kind of gets it right and whatever. So you needs a lot of guidance. and that's all wide for love. Nature is a wise mind. So the first thing is that when we in that messy mind state, it's sending all this messy energy through the brain, and it's triggering all kinds of. I mean, talk to your thoughts. Just think of an argument. When you, you start, some stupid thing.

Gets you going, and then you end up arguing.

What am I? Exactly. What's the point in the first place? Exactly. Well, why did they even bring that stupid thing up? We resolved that years ago. You know, why am I bringing that up now? You know, that's, that's what will happen if you don't calm down on your physiology, so. it's get your neurophysiology calm first. And you can do that with meditation, breathing with exercise, gym workout with it, creating space that, okay, we're too both too hot now. Let's get some fresh air. Yeah. Get some fresh air. Let's resolve this at the latest. Let's create mental, physical space. I mean, just. There's so many ways of doing that. There's so many great sort of meditative breathing. Yes. Find something that works for you. It may not be the same thing. Mac and I like to just create space, and I like to do. a seven, a 310 breath, a 37 breathing thing that gets my neurophysiology under control. So you breathe in for three and out for seven.

And if you do that seven times, you'll feel high.

But it's great because you push so much oxygen to the front of your brain. And it's a very good way of calming down your neurophysiology. You can do that in, in intense, I call it a 10 second pause. You can do it for 60 to 90 seconds. So it's 10 seconds that you do six to nine times. A great little formula for calming down neurophysiology. Wow, that's great. that's a fail-safe we always use. Really good fail-safe. Like we are a family-run business, all of us are involved. It's very easy to argue with family. So when we all get hit up, which we do, because we're all very Italian, we do a 10-second pause and we will go out there and grab a cup of coffee and then come back and reconvene. Those simple things that I know we know of, are we doing them? Or are you trying to push through? I've got to solve this now. I used to be like that. at the bed, we've got to fix this now. And so I had to learn to, hey, no, you don't have to fix it now. Actually, take a pause and yeah.

Okay, so that's the first thing. Is it possible to fix something when.

You'Re in chaotic thoughts? You can, but it's more difficult and you have to, you know, it's just going to be confusing and messy and harder and not very sustainable. And it's just, it's not a very peaceful way of doing it. It's exhausting, yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't do it that way. Then the next thing that's very practical is you can focus on good stuff. so it may just be good stuff about yourself. So you can. Part of what I didn't work, part of mental health is not just detoxing stuff. It's also building healthy stuff. So I love talking to you. We have great conversations. Every time I talk to you, I think I do. Always have great memories of all conversations. So if I want to get myself into a good state, I can think of, I can recall a good moment, like maybe a conversation with you. I love my research. We just published a paper, and I mean, I look at those results and I like gets like high literally. So get yourself. So this is two silly examples, but they're very powerful. So if you've now calmed down in your physiology and you now go and focus on something that you know makes you feel great, that means you're pulling this up. When you pull this up, amazing things happen in your brain. You change all the Delta Theta, Alpha Beta, Gamma frequencies. You calm down. Think of the waves of the sea. You want them to build, they're deep and big, and then they build on the beach, crash, make little waves. go back. We want that kind of energy going through a brain which activates good neurochemical flow, the endocrine, all that stuff, immune system. So by the brain prep that I explain, the breathing, whatever, and then these, you have put yourself into a really good brain state, mind, brain, body state, not just brain state, but you've got a very good flow happening. Now, you're still as irritated as hell. Still would like to go and do something physical, like, you know, whatever. I'm just joking, but, I mean, you might be from throat plate at the wall or. you still, oh, I'm so mad about work. It's okay. It's okay to be messy. So third thing, tell yourself it's okay to be a mess. It's okay. I can be a mess. It's okay. First, it's normal. But how am I going to manage the mess? So give yourself permission to be the mess, feel the mess, analyze the mess. I'm frustrated. What's my emotion? I'm. What's my body feeling? What's my perspective in this moment? What am I doing? So you. go through. It's okay to be a mess and do a little mini neuro cycle. Go through. Why am I feeling like this? Write a few things down. Do a recheck. Okay, this has happened.

What can I do?

Action. Okay, I'm ready to talk. See what I've just done? Yeah. So step one is brain prep. Step two is think of something good. This is activated our natural resilience. We have. We are not fragile. We are resilient. We are much more resilient than we realize. But if we take on the current side guys that we break and that will miss rectus for life. we're going to become fragile, which we're not. We're going to mask our natural resilience. We are pretty amazing as humans. Look at the stories of people surviving and getting through stuff. You know, and then we need to draw on that. We need to unmask our resilience. So these steps, the brain prep, focusing on something about yourself. And then you could also add up to this, not just focusing on your own good stuff. You could think of something great about your partner. You could think, you know, whatever. Think of a great memory, which is a really good addition. I met people here before, but you know, I'm sure you've heard that before, but it's doing this great stuff in your brain, then doing neurocycle in yourself. You can do this in three minutes, in 10 minutes, in an hour, whatever, then reconvene and say, okay, now we're going to do this as a neurocycle. I have a whole relationship podcast where I went to in detail of how to actually what to say, the guidelines.

Of what to say at each step. And I mean, we can talk about some of that. Right, right. I'm curious. I love all this and. the thing that came up for me is what happens if we want love, we want to be in a relationship, we want connection, we want intimacy, but we don't believe we're deserving of love. What will happen then?

Such a great, great question. And it just reminds me, as you're talking, you're just, you know, prompting all these clinical experiences I've had. I'm very successful, incredible person and just one of those people that could get anything in their life. Okay. And just wonderful in every single way.

Thank you.

And just could not keep a relationship going. Always start off well and everything. And at the end of the day, the core issue once this person had worked through was that they didn't deserve love. And it came. Unfortunately, a lot of it comes from childhood.

Really?

And it's not everything because you can have a great childhood and really trust in love. and then go into a really bad first marriage or first relationship. How does that-? That person can break you. And I can give you an example of that. So it could be you could have.

A great childhood, great parents, great model of love. But you get into a relationship, you fully trust and accept and love someone. Because that's what you've seen.

You throw in- so you expect they're.

Gonna do the same for you, and then it doesn't go your way. Exactly. And then you don't, and then that could potentially set you up to think, I'm not deserving of love.

Yes. especially if it happens in your adolescent years. 12 to 18 is the most difficult part of the entire human life cycle. So, and that's where we are interested in forming our relationships. That's where romantic relationships are what we desire. Up until then, it's more friendship based. You know, it could be earlier, 10, 11, you can have little boyfriend, girlfriend things, but it's more just Community Connection, deep friendship, something starting. But those years and, and you, you'll at that age, your relationship with your friends and potential partners are more, a lot more important, but are more important than your parenting.

Wow.

They supersede.

In terms of relationships.

Yeah. The formation of who I am.

Wow.

So at that stage, that's, you know, you can have this great foundation and.

Then you- Amazing parents, no trauma.

Yeah.

Fun all the time, peace, harmony and-.

Sorted it out, that the real thing, just great parents. they had their own messed up lives, but took responsibility, said sorry, did all that stuff. Right. And then you get into a relationship where someone who's broken is attracted to you, and you're attracted to them, and you swept off your feet either way, and their brokenness is put onto you in your informative years, and you get.

Told you're not good enough. Oh, what happens when we believe that?

What's wrong with you? And, yeah, and, and at that stage where you are so, like you, you forming yourself, you're, you're forming your choices, your identity in terms others' relationships, me in the world, you know, in terms of that drive for love. So if you told, you're not, you're never going to get it.

Or you get rejected or you get dumped or you get cheated on as a teen. How does that, how does, how does someone overcome that feeling of, I'm not deserving of love?

So that is, is a, is a hard one. So to start all of it's hard. Yeah. But is to find the source. So what you, what you very often is as an adult, and it's very often in the 20s and 30s where you start doing this work and it can happen. I'm not saying always, I'm not generalizing, but very often because that's when you kind of get through school and whatever you do and you get into the workspace and you start actually really forming deeper relationships and then you start getting to the point where you're thinking, okay, well, why my friends are getting married, you know, everyone around me is in relationships and I'm the only one who's not in a relationship. I can't seem to keep a relationship. What's wrong with me? That's when you start seeing those signals. happens, that's when you need to sit down and do the work over 63 days and multiple cycles of 63 days. And then you could, you'll get to the point where you'll see, okay, what is the root? The root was either a childhood issue or an adolescent issue. Maybe it was you were that new kid in town and everyone laughed at you because you wore glasses and they just, you know, said you never, you know, what? You were mocked. So you were too scared to actually show that guy that or that girl that you like them. and you were too scared because you were so quiet, whatever. And that was the source of the, there's many reasons. You know, you, there was this, I can tell a story of, of someone else who was one of four kids and it was the only girl, three boys, kind of almost like seemingly perfect home. I mean, there's never any perfect, whatever.

Right.

Kind of got it more or less. Okay.

Yes.

A bit of religious stuff going on there, but still, but the boys were very sporty and very, you know, and the father just, you know, like, always. That was totally sports. It was like a big deal. But this was not a sporty little girl. But to get the father's recognition, this little girl had to be like one of the boys also, she thought. And so purposefully, like, almost made herself a mirror with the hat on backwards and baggy clothes and one very. Yeah, tomboy. didn't want to feminize and that kind of stuff. And didn't want to. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but her objective was not a healthy one. It was trying to fit in to be accepted. And her perception once we got to the root was, well, I was never accepted. But I never accepted by my. I thought that I had to be like a boy for my father to love me. And that was a huge thing. That was so interesting. What really triggered that this kid was about five or six already doing this, already reading the. The room and thinking this was the answer. and they were sitting and some stranger came up, they were sitting at some restaurant and this kid was dressed up like one of the boys and someone said, oh, what a cute little boy. And that broke her. Because it was a revelation that that was, that she's not good enough as a female, that even outside people are saying, oh, I accept you because you're a cute little boy.

Wow.

So that led to years of self-abuse, self-hurt, sexual Promiscuity. Broken marriages.

Isn't it crazy that one- Broken marriages. Yeah. Isn't it crazy that one thing we hear from a friend, a sibling, a parent, an outsider, a schoolmate, a teacher, it could stick with us for decades, forever.

Forever. Now imagine, Luther, if that person could have, and this is what triggered me to write the current book that I have on children with all these stories that I can tell, that person, I remember saying to me, if only I had known how to say to my parents, am I only loved if I'm a boy? I feel sad because you don't seem to love me unless I'm something like a boy. Or that that man made me sad because that man made me say, I've got to be a boy. Or daddy, do you love me? Even though I'm a girl, that child didn't know how to say that, didn't have the language, didn't have the tools. So what. What I'm trying to create. And we know that the mental health situation is. is, is for a multitude of reasons. We know the individuals in society, social media, AI. I mean, there's our Generations facing our problems. Every generation faces the issues. Every generation thinks what we worse than the previous. What? No, we're just facing our unique problems. What we need in this generation with our kids so that they have decent relationships is, and it starts with having a decent relationship with himself, is we have to have a way of them being able to process and express their feelings so that five-year-old needs to be able to say, hey, I feel sad or have a point of contact, something. So you can teach a child as young as two how to do this. My youngest patients in my practice were two and three years of age, and you can teach them how to identify these signals, detox, and to make it really easy. That's what I've done in the latest book, this one, how to help your child clean up their mental mess. But we created this character. I actually created this character 25 years ago. I had a Disney artist create this character, and we had it all. I've updated. So the book, if you flip through, you'll see there's multiple images of Brainy. This is a character we created called Brainy. What Brainy goes through all these different scenarios and it's how you understand how you can teach a child as young as two that these trees in the brain and how you could change your brain and how to express and identify your cycles. All these hard things that we battle with as adults, you can teach children very basically as a child. So we created a choice. So for example, let's say you have a two-year-old who is sitting at, let's say, let's take a five or six year old and they're at school, daycare or whatever. I mean, at kindergarten and someone constantly comes up and knocks their toy tower over that they're building and then next they pull the heel on the plate. But now there's a series of teasing going on. And that child most likely has, and I'm talking of another clinical case, has been abused at home by a terribly, terribly.