The ONLY Reason We're ALIVE (Pain Is Your Motivation) | In-Q and Lewis Howes

When you had things that were very painful growing up, I think it forces you to look at your life from the outside, looking in. Do you feel where you're at now? Do you feel the impact? Now?

People will message me, someone messaged me actually this morning on LinkedIn. Okay. And said, Louis, I've been following you for 12 years since I've been on LinkedIn. They've been following me. And they're like, because I announced that I have this movie coming out tomorrow night. And they said, it's been amazing to watch your trajectory of how far you've come and the impact you're having on people. People are texting me that all the time right now because of this movie that's coming out. And I think when you're in it, you don't see it as much until you take a moment to reflect and inquire within about how far you've come. And so it's hard when you're in it because it's like 12 years has passed since I stopped playing football. Now I'm here, but it's like I've worked my butt off for 12 years.

Do you find that time to stop and Like, enjoy what you've accomplished.

Every night I reflect and I'm grateful for everything I have in my life and for that day. And I think I also, if I go back to like 24-year-old Lewis, 23-year-old Lewis who was like broke on my sister's couch or whatever, and if I was like one day I'm gonna impact five million people a month, I'd have been like, that's crazy to think.

You wouldn't have believed it.

I've been like, that's crazy. And I was like, I wonder how? How is it gonna happen? It's almost like you have to reverse engineer the dream in your mind and just say, okay, well this needs to happen. And you gotta write a New York Times bestseller, 'cause that's gonna get attention. And then you gotta do a movie. And then you gotta get on some big press like Ellen. And then it's like, okay, who do I need to become in order to make those things happen? What skills do I need to learn? Who do I need to meet? How do I need to take care of my health? All those things need to happen in order for those dreams to be manifested. So then it's just figuring out okay, who do I get to become?

Do you ever feel like, I mean we can get started too, but yeah.

She's rolling.

I mean, do you ever feel like, well let me say this before I ask the question. Someone said this to me the other day and unfortunately it resonated. You know what I mean? Yeah. They said this could be the best time of your life if you weren't always waiting for it to be over. And I thought that was a very, very deep concept.

If you weren't waiting for what to be over.

Whatever the moment is. If you're in the moment, you're thinking about like why I'm in the moment, what it is that I need to do or accomplish to move forward. Do you miss your life? And do you look back on these periods and think, Wow, that was the best time of my life, but I was trying to get somewhere.

As opposed to being in the moment.

Being here.

And appreciating and just completely not thinking about the future.

Completely. And I'll say why I feel that way is because sometimes I'll set things up and then I forget that I made the decision to do this thing and I show up and I feel obligated. I have to get through this in order to accomplish something or whatever. And I'm not fully being present to where I am. And so that's the dichotomy. It's like having goals in the material world and then simultaneously not looking outside of myself for validation or not thinking that there's something out there in the future that will make me feel feel whole and being present to what's actually happening where I am. So that was the question I was going to ask you. I mean, do you ever feel like that? Because if you accomplish everything you want to accomplish in 20 years, will you look back and think, I was truly there?

I think one of my superpowers since I was young was the ability to have fun in every moment. And there's a, I say that but also every time I achieved a goal until I was like 30, I would achieve it and I was happy for a moment and then I was like angry. Because I think I was driven towards the achievement of feeling like, okay, I made it, but then I never felt like I made it. So I was like, well, I gotta go for something bigger. I gotta make more. I gotta accomplish something else. And it wasn't until I was about 30 when I started to shift that. But I was always having fun in the moment too. Like I'm a guy who can, you've seen me at like Summit Series just like dancing in the middle of the night. So cool. Just like, I can, I don't drink alcohol.

Right.

And I can just be fun. And just make something fun in any moment. Yeah, for sure. You know, whenever we're together, it's just like, we'll just laugh or whatever. So I can do that and I think I've had that gift from childhood. I don't know why. It's just to always like, have be a child, childlike energy in moments. So I really appreciate, I guess that ability to have fun, but I used to be so driven to get acceptance for my accomplishments that I was never happy with the accomplishments. Because I don't think I was ever happy with who I was.

Right.

And I was never really proud of myself.

Has that shifted now? Like do you feel like you can take ownership over It shifted a lot.

Because I think I've always been really, I mean, I feel like I've always done a good job in my life of being a good person, but I think sometimes I let myself down. And over the last year, I really woke up to the fact of like, okay, I want to do everything, I want to be proud of myself when people aren't watching. When no one's watching, when no one's on social media to see me do something, when no one's around me, like if I was watching myself, if the best version of myself was always watching me, would I be proud of who I am? And so I've dedicated this last year, and really since meeting my girlfriend Jeanette, she's elevated me to think that way. She hasn't pressured me to think that way, I think I'm just called forth to think that way, 'cause I wanna really make her proud. and I want to make myself proud.

That's beautiful.

So I remember she told me one time early on when we started dating, she was like, I want you to make me a promise.

Pause.

She goes, because I was going through some stuff in a previous relationship and a lot of stuff was out there publicly, people spreading rumors and gossip or whatever. And so there's just a lot of questions floating around about what happened or whatnot.

Mm-.

And I was like telling her everything. I was like, I'm not gonna hide anything. Here's the stuff I'm proud of. Here's the stuff I'm not proud of. Here's everything. Take it or leave it. That's love. Take it or leave it. Yeah. Right? And she was like totally accepted me and she was like, I understand. Like, I get it. You're an amazing man. You have a great heart. And I was like, oh, you know, cry. I'm not a bad guy, you know. And then she goes, I want you to make a promise to me.

Pause.

And she goes, I want you to always tell me the truth. about everything. And I'm sitting to myself, I go, you, sure? Because I've never been in a relationship where I've said the truth and someone didn't freak out or get angry or react or get so emotional where they couldn't handle the truth. I'm not saying you need to be happy about the truth, but to be able to handle it. And I said, you, sure? Because there's thoughts I might have, there's things I might say, things I might do that you may not like. And just being honest, she goes, I always want to tell me I can handle it. I go, you, sure? She said, Yes. And in that moment, I just said to myself, I'm always gonna tell her the truth. I like sat there for like 20 seconds and I was like, okay, I'm a 35-year-old man. I don't think I've ever fully told 100% of the truth to one person. It's deep. There might be like a couple little white lies, like just forgetting to say something, just to not cause stress. But I was like, I'm gonna tell you the truth and I've done that. with her for the last year. And it's been amazing because I don't feel like I have anything to worry, to hide. And it's like if you don't take the energy to hide, it takes energy to hide. And also, if she doesn't accept the truth about me, when I'm living at the highest level that I can live, then maybe we're not the right fit. And that's okay. And I can be okay with that because I did everything in my power to be 100% in integrity. And you want that from her too.

Absolutely. To get that truth from her.

Absolutely. And it's been crazy because she is.

Probably.

The relationship that I'm in, she should probably be, for me, the most, I should be the most insecure that I've ever been with someone. And the most jealous because she gets a lot of messages. She gets messaged by the biggest celebrities in the world. Every other day she's like, here's who hit me in the DM today. The biggest names. You can think of anyone, it seems like they all message her. And I'm just laughing and none of it affects me. Not one person who's messaged her, not one billionaire or mega celebrity or whatever, am I like threatened by or anything.

Because you're telling the truth.

I'm telling the truth, I'm giving her my all. And I'm like, if it's not enough.

For you, then it's not the right fit. But that's why it has to be...

And I'm gonna be okay. That's why it has to be self-love before it's love in a relationship. This is the first time I feel 100% self-love for myself. Yeah. I don't want us to break up. I want to be with her. But I'm not gonna sacrifice my own love for myself.

And by the way, just once again, build that bridge. You love her and you like her. You're her man, but you're also her friend. And so you want the same thing for her.

I want her to be happy.

If her truth doesn't match up for.

Whatever reason, then find another great relationship and I want the best for you.

It's unconditional love.

I want the best for her. I'm gonna be fine. She's gonna be fine.

Right. By the way, it's easy to say, it's hard to do.

Easy to say.

But you can't do it unless you say it, you know? Because.

I think that's the thing. It's like we've been in the transition. She's moved in. It's been a big change for her. And I'm just like, I'm so committed to the process. I'm so committed to being patient and understanding and compassionate.

Yeah.

Loving her when there's stress or overwhelmed for her or confusion. and not getting defensive or any of these things. And I feel like, you know, okay, if we go through this and it's consistent like this for two years, it's not gonna last. It's just, I can't handle it for two years of just like chaos. So I know there's gonna be seasons. There's gonna be seasons.

It's gonna be season.

It's gonna be over. But if it didn't be over, I would say, babe, I love you. I gave you everything. And I want the best for you. And you deserve, you know, I deserve something different and so do you.

Right.

If you're not happy and I'm not happy, we shouldn't be together.

There are things in relationships that are non-negotiable and there are things that are negotiable. And only you will know what's negotiable and what's non-negotiable. And, you know, certain things, seasons, you know, you're gonna go through them. It's very, very natural. And if you think that you're not, then you're actually not gonna be committed to seeing what new truth can arise out of each of you individually and as, you know, out of the relationship. But then there are also certain things that wind up being unsustainable. Yeah. And it's like, you know, only you will know.

Some things, I mean, things can last for a season. They can't last for like multiple seasons back to back to back of chaos, you know? So I'm curious for you, you've been in a relationship for two years now.

Pause.

What's been the biggest challenge? What's been the thing that's brought you together the most? Was it the beautiful moments in romance on a vacation or looking at the stars, you know? Or was it when you went through something, you know, when your cat died and there was like a traumatic event that realized you brought you closer? What would you say?

I would say both. I mean both have been equally as important because if I had one without the other it might have been unsustainable, you know, like, or at least if everything was amazing all of the time it would just be that. But the challenges that we've gone through together has deepened our relationships very, very much. So, like I really, you know, learning how to be with a partner and the good times is really important. But learning how you both show up in the bad times is necessary for a more lifelong relationship.

It's easy to be positive in the good times. It's hard to be positive during chaos.

Yeah. Or accept that you're not gonna be positive in that moment. And to fully be with the other.

Person and learn to forgive if someone said something that hurt you. Oh, yeah.

You know, intimacy is quite the process, but there's nothing else in the world that can open up your heart like giving it to someone else and allowing them to, you know, hold on to it for a little while.

I would say this is probably the best space you've been in your entire life. You're 40, you're 41?

41.

41. I've known you for what, eight, nine years maybe? Eight years, seven, eight.

It's been a minute.

When did we first meet? Do you remember?

I saw it on Summit, but I don't remember what year.

On stage, I think. It was a small event at Eden for the first time and I came up to you afterwards.

Right afterwards.

Right afterwards. I've only been to Eden once. It was like a small room. I don't know if they'd still have this building there. This was before the mountain. It was before the mountain. But anyways, it was a small room. It was like a little cave room.

In between.

Yes.

The mountains at the top.

It was at the other resort, I think.

Yeah, it was right in between.

And you did a little session. I think there was only like 30 people in the room at the time. It was a small intimate thing. And I was like, who is this human being? When was that? 2012 maybe?

I think it was like seven years ago.

2013 maybe. And I was just captivated by your energy and your creativity and your artistry.

And.

You'Ve had, I mean, you've had some good years, but I feel like the last couple years you've been in the most calm space.

Yeah, for sure.

Even though you had a crazy cat.

I did have a crazy cat. But even that was a huge lesson for me.

Yeah, you had to surrender, right?

Yeah. Well, it was also, we had gotten this cat, and he was this amazing, amazing cat named Marley, and he was bananas, man.

Jumping all over the walls.

Jumping all over, like he just, he wanted as much of life as he possibly could have. And at times he would annoy me. I'd be like, dude, fucking Marley man, like chill out, you know? And then, like, he ended up getting a kidney thing. And his kidneys didn't grow. He was a kitten. And so his kidneys didn't grow with the rest of his body. And he went into a kidney failure. and we had to put him down. And that was a lesson for her and I, just how we dealt with it together, but also he taught me a lesson. Here I was annoyed at him because he was trying to get as much of life as possible, but there must have been a part of him that knew he wasn't going to be around for a very long time. And if I had known that at the time, I would have Giving him whatever he wanted to eat. I would have played with him literally as much as possible, you know? And that's a lesson that I certainly want to bring into the future, you know? Like it's something that I held on to. We don't know how long we're gonna be here. We don't know, man.

We don't know. How did the Kobe death affect you?

Well, I mean, Colby.

You grew up in LA.

Yeah, I mean, Colby was the symbol of, like, invincibility, I would say. And so for. For him to pass in such a shocking way made everyone stop. We were the exact same age. So, you know, when I see 1978. Wow.

That's your.

2000. it makes me reflect on my own journey as well. The other interesting thing was it was the same night of the Grammys in Los Angeles and in the same building that was, you know, really his building. And you could feel it even watching it on television. I've been to the Grammys twice and I was watching on television and His passing cut through the spectacle, it cut through the illusion, and there was a deeper presence to everyone who took the stage that night, because mortality was front of mind.

In this amazing book that you have, which is A Collection of All youl Poems: Inquire Within, you say you talk about issues of love, loss, forgiveness, transformation, and belief. Which one of those five universal issues have you deepened in the last year the most? Love, loss, forgiveness, transformation, and belief. Which one has impacted you the most or risen to the forefront the most?

I mean, definitely love. And that's the overarching, you know, theme of everyone's life is learning how to love throughout all of the ups and downs and coming back to love. But I would say love and, you know, all of them have deepened, you know? I mean, we should be so lucky to have all of these major themes of life continue to deepen over time. Yeah.

What's the greatest love poem that you think you have? Is it the 85 or the One in the Home? Which one?

It's one that I'm actually working on right now.

A new one?

Yeah, I have a new one.

Is it finished yet?

Not quite yet.

It's not in the book. Of the ones in the book, what's the greatest love poem?

Probably 85 or When It's Right. Both of those I think I'm really happy with. And I wrote them at different stages of my life, but they were a manifestation at the time that I wrote them. They were almost like exploring what I would want. And now it's really beautiful to be able to be living some of the poems that I wrote.

So you wrote these poems as kind of like dream lives?

Yeah.

You're like, I want to have this in the future because you didn't have it.

Yeah, for sure. I mean, all of my poems is they're prayers. I'm talking to myself. you know, like they're reminders to myself of the life that I want to live. And so then when I get an opportunity to get up and share them with other people, I'm talking to myself first. And almost people are observing me doing that to myself, you know, and hopefully seeing their own humanity in that mirror.

Which one do you want to share with us? Which love poem?

You pick.

What's the second one you said?

When it's Right.

When it's Right. Have I heard that one?

I'm sure you have.

Probably have.

At some point, yeah.

85 is always so good. But let's hear the When it's Right.

Okay. When it's Right. Falling in love is like finding a home. In the heart of a person that you've never known. It's the waiting for the ring of the phone when you're alone, or making them a mix tape of all your favorite songs. Remember how it felt when their touch made you melt, when their presence made you a better version of yourself, when your bed was like an island in the middle of the sea and their eyes were the only sunset you could see. When their smile was enough to inspire a forever in this lifetime of learning how to love each other better, it's beyond words. It's knowing how she takes her tea. It is knowing when to challenge her and when to let her be. It is knowing when to hold her and when to set her free. It is chemistry and honesty Empathy, integrity, and humility. It is calling when I'm going to be late or giving her the last bite of cake from my plate. It is going on vacations and walking along the beach. It's the sound that she makes when she laughs in her sleep. It is real, especially when it's hard. 'Cause we have chosen to reveal who we really are. Beautiful with all our scars. You're like a sky of stars. I've never felt as infinite as when you're in my arms. I'd never felt as intimate as when I was in your charms. I'd never met someone and instantly knew I belonged. So now the songs on the radio are making more sense. And every rom-com movie seems more intense. I'm having dreams that I'm painting her a picket fence. Our kids are playing on the lawn still in innocence picturesque in every sense. It's like a Norman Rockwell. It feels so real. A modern fairy tale with a pool and barbecue grill. We'll have a two-car garage and every week she'll get a gift certificate for one free foot massage. and when we've had a hard day, we'll go and walk it off. And when we've had a hard night, we'll get some Haagen-Dazs. We'll put our goals on a list and then we'll cross them off. I'll take some pics of our kids, then print them up and make a Mother's Day collage or send her flowers just because her skin is the closest that I've been to God. See love? is like a long ladder up to heaven. It's like a dance where you move apart and then come back together. It is sunshine and stormy weather because you would never know the one unless you knew the other. And in the end, you'll be old and gray with a pair of rocking chairs and some grand on yea, grandkids on a grand piano in the foyer, photographs of your family filling the hallway, and everybody in the neighborhood will ask you for advice. So you'll slowly lean in, then you'll look around twice, then you'll whisper real light like it was the secret to your life. When you know, you know. Because when it's right, it's right. I want to fall in love at 85. Go on shuffleboard dates and dance to hip-hop from 95. We would also listen to the song Staying Alive, but only for the message. Otherwise we'd keep away from disco, it's depressing. We'd rock matching tracksuits and rope gold chains. We'd look like run DMC, but in their old age. We'd take aerobics classes and wear bifocal glasses and eat at IHOP and hold hands at Sunday Masses and when it comes to the bedroom, well nothing much would happen in the bedroom because we're 85. But we would still be down to take a walk or take a drive or sit and talk and have a drink, watch the passers by, ask each other why and how and who and where and when and then we'd laugh and cry again about the people we had been. And I would touch her withered skin and comment on how thin it is to keep in something infinite. And she would smile, sweet and blush, then tell me that I think too much. She's right. I think too much. It's always been a problem. But then again, that's how I made my green like the goblin. When I was in my 20s, I was eating Top Ramen, counting up my pennies, saving up to go food shopping. But now I'm 85 and somehow I feel more alive. I turn my hearing aid up and bump Jurassic 5. I read the sports page while she peruses classifieds. We like antique stores, garage sales, and barter buys and when it comes to the bedroom, Well, hopefully, every once in a while, she lets me knock her boots into the floral patterns of our bedpost, then hold her head close like death isn't chasing us, planning on erasing us and replacing us with better versions of us, reshaping us, remaking us, then recreating us with new identities so we can make new memories. Hush, little baby, learn to walk and talk and think and lie and feel and fight and love and die and never get the answers why. She dips a joint of grass and wheat grass and we get high. Her hair is silver as the moon in the Miami sky. We still pop pills, but it's not the Molly anymore. Whenever we can't sleep, we listen to the ocean floor. She got a sound of the C.C.D. from me from the Brookstone store. And ever since, I've been snoring like a, like a really good metaphor for snoring. Sorry, I go blank sometimes. What, I'm 85. I'm not complaining, I'm just happy that I'm still alive. And happy that I have my better half by my side, super fly. She doesn't look a day over 75. When I first saw her, I was totally in awe. She was classical. So I was like, Yo, yo, ma! And that was all it took. A single look, and I was hooked. I fell for her like some loose shingles from our Spanish roof. And I'm a lover till she loses every last root and has to glue dentures to her gums to chew solid food. Ooh, now that's real love, dude. That's some push comes to shove love. Not when it's convenient love. Hospital bed love. Feed her ice chips, love. Never leave the room. Love. Sleeping in the chair, love. Pray to up above, love. Have to pull the plug, love. Miss her in my bones, love. Everything about her love. Die within a month, love. Can't live without without her love. Love. The only reason that we're alive and none of us should have to wait until we're 85.

My man. It's amazing, man. You always get me emotional with that.

Thank you.

That was two poems back to back, right?

I just kind of watched.

I saw that. Do you feel like you feel more love for yourself and are willing to receive more love now than ever before?

Yeah. Let me ask you though, what makes you emotional about it?

I think I'm just a sensitive person in general. So the story of really caring about someone for that long, and being there for them through all the different challenges, having all the fun, being high on life and then not being able to do certain things anymore, but talking about it, and then having to have her leave. For me, it's like very sad to like think of that moment where someone to be gone. When you have so much love for them.

So, It's a part of the human experience. It's kind of what makes everything so beautiful. Yeah. Is that we have to deal with loss. If loss wasn't a part of life, you know, we wouldn't appreciate the moments and the love that we have.

Have you had a lot of loss?

I've had my share. Yeah.

Did you feel like, because you didn't grow up with your dad, did you feel like, You lost, he was around, but you didn't see him, right?

He wasn't around.

But I mean, he was alive.

He was alive, yeah.

But you didn't see him for 15 years or something, is that right?

I met him for the first time when I was 15.

It's crazy.

Yeah, yeah.

So how do you create a sense of love and safety in a relationship if your father was never there? How did you learn that?

Various degrees of success and failure. Probably more failure. You know, but each time I learned a little bit more about what intimacy was to me and how I was showing up in ways that I wanted to improve and then how I wasn't showing up. You know, the first time I went out with my girlfriend, at the end of the night we were sitting on a porch and we were like having tea. And she asked me, she was like, So how old are you? And I was like, I guess I was 39. And I said, I'm 39. She goes, okay. She said, you,'ve never been married. And I said, no. And she said, you, don't have any kids. And I was like, no. And then she stopped for a second and then she goes, why? And what she was basically asking was, what's wrong with you? And by the way, she should have been asking that question. It was a totally appropriate question for her to ask, but I wasn't gonna fucking answer that. I didn't feel good about answering that. So I actually said, you know, I'm uncomfortable answering that. And then we had this, like, awkward moment.

Now what are you talking about?

You know, and, And it, you know, that was that and the date kind of ended. And now, you know, two years later, I know the answer to that. And it was because I was waiting to feel like it was right. And those poems, as I said, they were manifestations for what I wanted to create in my life. But at the time, the answer to that would have been, Scary because I wasn't sure why I'd waited. You know, I had been with amazing women, but I wasn't able to say I wanted to take the long walk and I didn't quite feel like I had found home.

When did you know it felt like home with current girlfriend?

You know, okay, when people get into relationships at the beginning, they tend to just project onto each other and I have done this over and over and over again, where you meet someone and they have a few points, almost like data points that you say, that's what I want. And you see those points and then you just fill in the rest with your own illusion, your own projection. And they do the exact same thing and then not even really meeting each other.

You have an expectation that's not met on both sides.

Well, but that doesn't usually come up for a while because at the beginning in this honeymoon phase, it's coming up now for me. Right. Well, it always does.

Wait, no, I don't have that expectation.

It always comes up. Yeah. Because then what winds up happening is we resent the other person for not living up to our unspoken expectations.

Unspoken expectations.

And imaginary expectations. Expectation.

That they're supposed to know and live up to.

Or B, you know, that's why when you are with someone, you mirror them right away. You know, if you like someone, you know, you start to mirror everybody, you know, you're doing all the fucking dancing and this is what a first date is, you know? And ultimately that stuff winds up unfolding. I will say with the woman that I'm with now, We spent a long enough time dating without putting that expectation on each other. We both had other things that we were working through in our lives, and so we didn't put that pressure on our connection. And honestly, it's the first time that I've ever done that. And so by the time I fell in love with her, and I knew I was starting to fall in love with her, I knew her. Like I already knew who she was. It wasn't this projection or this fantasy, you know.

You know the things you liked about her, the things you didn't like about her, the everything.

Yeah, I mean I didn't know everything a lot. We're two years deep and I'm still learning an enormous amount. But definitely I knew who I was falling in love with. not my fantasy of who I was falling in love with.

Or just the best parts of it or whatever.

Exactly. And so I think, I don't know how that relates back to the father question that you initially asked. I mean, if I was to answer that, I would say intimacy has always been a really big issue for me. And learning how to be intimate has been one of the biggest gifts for not only my romantic life, and my personal life, but also for my career and also for my art.

How has being in love helped you in your art and on stage perform differently?

Well, you know it's interesting. In the same way that you want something from a relationship at the beginning and you start to project, Really, ultimately it's about wanting love and validation. Somebody that you think is attractive, being attracted to you, you know, having this imagination of this life partner and then saying, well, I'm ready, so this person has to be that, you know? When I get up in front of an audience, I still want to be liked.

Of course.

I still want them to love my work. I still want them to validate my ego. You know, people talk about getting rid of your ego. You can't get rid of your ego. Your ego is a part of your humanity.

Right.

But you can learn how to not navigate from it, you know, or operate from that place.

You're driven by it.

Exactly. So I would say when I used to get up in front of an audience, I was more performing to them. And I almost would, in doing that, even if they were totally connected to what I was saying, It would make them lean back. And I had all of these tricks that I would use that I learned along the way.

Techniques. Yeah.

That would make an amazing show. But they actually were getting in the way of the ultimate communication. And so once that self-love started to kick in, and a lot of that was and is continuing to be learned in the relationship, When I'm in front of an audience now, I can acknowledge that I do want them to be connected to what I'm saying, but I don't try to control their experience. I'm much more energetically contained. If you even think about what a single person is like, you're out in the world and oftentimes if you're looking for a partner, your energy is going all over the fucking place, man. You know, I mean, it's like you see somebody you're attracted to and you give them your energy and you don't even know who the fuck they are. You know, you're like giving your energy away. You know, my energy is very contained now in my romantic life. I don't give it away at all. I could see someone and say, oh, that's an attractive person, but I don't give them my energy.

And suppose when you're single, you might be giving it to lots of different people.

Or even fantasizing within yourself. And I don't fuck around with that at all. And I would say it's the same thing for being on the stage. I don't wanna split my energy. You know, weirdly enough, man, and I'm really branching out on this answer, but like, if I used to see someone in the audience that I perceived that was not into it, I would give them my energy.

And be like, I'm gonna make you into it.

Exactly.

I'm gonna captivate you.

Exactly.

Stare at them.

Yeah.

Go walk up next to them and get them engaged.

It's fucking exhausting.

Instead of focusing on the people that are giving you their energy.

Or just focusing on myself, which allows the audience to then lean in. Because who am I to tell them how to think or how to feel or whether or not to enjoy this or whether or not to like me.

Yeah, and it's you might have an expectation of what you want the audience to respond to and when they don't do it, it might affect you or might have affected you.

Exactly, and then I'm not actually in the moment. I'm not actually there. You know? And so in that way, I think it's the difference between codependent love and unconditional love. What I'm trying to do with my audience right now is unconditionally love myself and unconditionally love them.

How do you do that before you go on stage then? How do you step into loving yourself and not expecting a response at different moments or standing ovation or laughter or whatever?

I think it's just the awareness of it. You know, I don't think that there's anything to do. I think it's more that there's, it's a reminder so that it's something I can be.

And what do you need to be?

Present. [L: 1s] I wrote all of these things because I was inspired or I was moved or I was annoyed. They all come from a place of truth. And so it's the same thing that you were talking about with your partner. She gave you the permission to be truthful. or the invitation to be truthful, and you wanted the same thing from her. I am the vehicle and the obstacle to these poems coming into the world. I'm the vehicle because they have to come through my experience, and I have to be there to give them away, or someone has to buy this book, inquire within, to be able to experience it. But I'm also the obstacle because those needs that I have can get in the way of the communication of that truth. And the poems have something that they want to say. So I want to try to be of service to that as much as I can.

Why do you think poetry is getting this comeback? It's more mainstream now. There's different poets who are writing books that are becoming bestsellers, that are reaching millions of people, people are writing poetry on Instagram that's being connected to the heart or to something.

Yeah.

And they're becoming, you know, popular.

Yeah.

There's a handful of them. And you've been doing this for 20 years?

A long time. Yeah.

18, 20 something.

I started when I was 19. I wound up at the Poetry Lounge.

22 years.

Yeah.

But it wasn't a cool thing.

Well, it was for us. You know, we had an amazing, amazing community, man. I mean, some of the best art experiences I've ever had were in the audience watching another poet on the stage. I mean bar none.

--But it wasn't mainstream then. It was more like an underground.

--It was starting to be mainstream and then it never quite crossed over it. You know Deaf Poetry was huge man. Deaf Poetry did huge numbers. And then it won a Tony on Broadway. And I think that there was an opportunity at that point to really blow poetry up. but for whatever reason, it didn't happen. Not on the level that I believe it can and that it's starting to now again.

Why do you think it's starting to now? Is it social media? Is it the books are just that amazing that people are writing? Because there's been great poetry books for hundreds of years, I feel like.

Right. I definitely think social media has something to do with it. And then also I think, you know, look at the life that we're living man. You know, we're very, very disconnected.

Stressful.

Yeah. I mean, think about how consumerism trains us to validate ourselves by the external world. You know, it's always trying to take something from you. It's trying to take your attention. It's trying to take your money, time, likes, feelings, love, you know, information even now. you know, and so everything is always trying to take from you, and we're trained to look for the answers outside of ourselves. And then we have so much stimulus, we're bombarded by stimulus, that we can't ever find a moment to just be. And, you know, I mean, I wrote all of these poems from that place of truth, so I don't strategize my inspiration.

It's what you're feeling.

I pay attention to what I'm inspired to, and then I follow that breadcrumb trail. And so writing this book actually was an opportunity for me to see what I've been trying to say all of these years.

What have you been trying to say?

I think part of the conversation that we're having now, that, you know, I mean, you know, technology is this amazing thing. It's connected the entire world, and simultaneously people are feeling more isolated than ever. They're on their own little islands and they do not feel like they're a part of this larger community. And if I don't know something, what do I do? I go look on Google. Or I seek out an expert, or I read a book, or I listen to a podcast. And all of these things are amazing tools, but there is a difference between using tools and having those tools use you. And so, you know, inquire within is what I had to do to create this book.

It's what and every poem.

Every poem. Yeah. It's an invitation for the person to inquire within the pages and to inquire within themselves. Because, you know, if you have something going on in your life that you can't figure out, yes, you can search outside of yourself for that, but you can also Find moments of silence, you know, be in nature and allow that true voice that you have inside of you to come up to the surface because that is the voice of your passion, your purpose, your enthusiasm. And I hope that this book is a window into that for people.

What's the poem that you have in here that talks about technology and our devices and the stress that we're facing with all the technological advances.

You know, I have a poem, but I actually didn't put it in the book. And it was a poem about addiction. And the whole entire time, I mean, I've had my own issues, but the whole entire time in this particular poem is the thing I'm addicted to, the thing I'm addicted to. And then in the end, it winds up being the phone. But, but I actually don't remember that piece.

Is there a piece in the book you remember that talks about That last conversation we just had?

No, it's really the culmination of all of the work in the book is that message.

Is that message? You know?

And really, as I said, it's a window. Because inquire within, there's no answers in here. You know? There's just my life experience. It's me sharing the things that I've gone through. and the roadmap that I've used to get here. Yeah. You know, and to be here. Yeah.

Who have you had to forgive the most? Is it the father experience? Is it a past girlfriend? Is it yourself?

I think.

Is it the universe?

No, I mean the universe, it's like, you know, getting mad at God is like yelling at yourself in the mirror. You know, it's like no matter what you say, God will be waiting for you when you are done.

Wow.

Yeah. You know, so, but I do think that I've had to forgive myself for things that I've done in my life. There's plenty of ways that I've behaved that I'm not proud of, and yet you do better when you know More. And so, you know, I've learned a lot over the years. And I would say my father, you know, really like, who would I be without that experience? I mean, it's been so integral to the life that I've lived. I mean, even growing up without a dad, it made me, you know, an observer. You know, it made me think, what am I supposed to be like? which started kind of that analytical part of me that is, I think, led me to being the writer and performer that I am.

Where do you think you'd be if your dad was always there, loving, supportive?

You know, it's impossible for me to predict or to even, like, explore because it's, who knows, man?

Do you think you'd be a poet and an artist in this way?

Creative writing. I don't think that I would be a poet in the way that I am because I think that when you had things that were very painful growing up, I think it forces you to look at your life from the outside looking in. And if you don't have that, you don't necessarily start to ask questions about yourself or your environment until much later. I was always thinking about what was going on with me. So I think that, as I said, led me to being the writer that I am.

Where do you think poetry is going over the next 10 years? As a new decade starts and there's, again, books coming out, viral videos, and all these things happening. Do you think it's going to be hot in 10 years?

Yeah, I think it's going to be as big of a genre as anything else. I think poets definitely can be on the COVID of magazines like you are. I saw you in the airport yesterday.

There should be why don't you create a poet magazine?

Yeah, it's definitely something that's on our mind.

It's a lot of work though.

You know, look, the reason that I even created this book is I have an amazing friend who's a poet, Rudy Francisco. He's an unbelievable poet. and he was on Jimmy Fallon. And we've been trying to get on different late night things.

He said you gotta write a book.

Yeah, because literally the genre of poetry is not something that they will book you for, but they can book you as an author, and then you can perform your poetry. So it's almost like this Trojan horse of getting poetry into popular culture and changing people's perception of what it is and what it can be. poets should be able to have their own sitcoms and everything like that. And I think that it's more necessary now than ever because when people get up and use their voice, they inspire other people to do the same. And there's nothing to get in the way of the words and the message in poetry. There's just the words and the message and the person speaking. You know, with this tool of the internet, people really do need to be using their voice as much as possible, but not to tear down, to build up, and to speak about the things that are important to them. I think it's time.

Why do we tear down so much in general? Publicly, behind people's backs, where does that come from and how do we switch it?

You know, it feels good to hate together. It's almost like it's love.

Wow.

But it's not.

It's almost like it's love to hate together.

Yeah, man. People love to have a common enemy. They love to tear things down. You know, it's easy. You know, it's much harder to alchemize your negative energy and create something with it. than it is to just go, it's their fault, or this person judged them, all of that. It's much, much easier to do that than it is to actually create something with that energy and put it out into the world. But when you do that, that's when you allow other people to feel less alone. And art, poetry in general, I mean, it inspires empathy, and empathy is what the world needs most right now.

What'S your prediction of just the energy of the country and the world with this next election? Not who's going to win or this and that, but just the energy and what do you think we need to be doing as a collective in order to make sure it's the best possible outcome energy wise?

That's very, very difficult to answer. You know, it's a very difficult question to answer.

There's so much negativity.

The political conversation.

Well, there's so much negativity, I feel like, behind the scenes. I'm not involved in it, but there's so much negativity talking about something people don't like on all different sides. Yeah. Like, is that ever gonna change? Is that gonna be here forever?

I think we're in an interesting moment in America and an interesting moment in the world. I really do. You know, I mean, look, every generation feels like the world is going to end, right? Every single generation feels like in some way, like the world is going to end. This is the most important moment. And it's because their mortality is in question. And as they get older, there's this egocentric thing that I think happens where you think, if I'm not here, nothing can be here. And so, you know, there's this sense of the world is going to end because I'm going to end. Right? But I will say this particularly is a very important moment for the world with climate change, with populism. If an alien spaceship showed up right now, we would all be human beings first, immediately. Nothing would matter.

I mean, a spaceship coming to attack us.

Attack, not attack. If a flying saucer came down, we would look at each other all a sudden and be like, oh, it's you and me.

We're in this together.

Yes, exactly. And I almost feel that climate change is that big of an existential crisis for humanity, where it's really the thing that could possibly bring humanity together and we have an opportunity to evolve, or it could be a thing where as The environment changes and resources change. Climate refugees start to be searching for places we devolve. And I think you're seeing that play out in politics right now. You know, I think you're seeing, you know, us versus them, you know, happen in a very major way. And what I hope is that we're able to realize that we're all in this together. I mean, climate change doesn't give a fuck about our nations. No. It doesn't care about our races. It doesn't care about anything.

Our money.

Yeah.

It feels like we've been talking about climate change for a long time. 20, 30, 50 years. Researchers, scientists, Al Gore's been talking about it for 20 years. I feel like creating movies, it feels like there's been urgency for a while, but it's more so now, right? I mean, is there ever gonna be a moment you think we change and start Changing policies and actually doing things.

We would have to approach it the way that we would approach a world war. Yeah. I mean, there has to be lots.

Of deaths probably for us to really change though.

There has to be some sort of a catalyst that allows the collective consciousness to say, we have no other choice but to work together to reverse the The damages. The damages that we've been doing.

Why does it seem like in life we need something drastic to happen in order to change? Like dramatic, a death, a loss, an injury, a breakup for us to look and acquire within and say, okay, what do we need to do to change?

Because our patterns are so deeply ingrained. You know, I talk about this in the book, you know, the differences between ideas and ideologies. And how ideas are basically things that, you know, they're tools that you can use in your life that changes your truth and your experience changes. But ideologies are different because they calcify and then you have to force everything in your reality into the frame of these ideologies. Otherwise, you will lose control over the ideology. And if the ideology has become a part of your identity, Then you're losing control of your identity. It's an ego death, man.

You gotta kill it.

You have to kill a part of yourself to change your mind. I mean, think about how crazy that sounds when you can look at it from the outside in. And so I think that people have these ingrained set patterns and normal things will not shake them or wake them. out of that sleep. It has to be something traumatic that allows them to go, Whoa, okay, let me actually look around at what's happening, not my once again projection of what's happening. Yeah. So that I can see if I want to make some different choices. That's an individual thing. And I think it's the same thing on a collective and humanity basis.

Yeah. It just sucks that it takes something drastic to happen in our own lives for us to make a change.

And by the way, some people have that traumatic event and they still don't change.

They still hold on to it.

They still hold on to it. They keep the same behavior. They continue to create the same lesson in a different disguise over and over and over again. And they blame everyone else for what's going on. And they wind up at the end of their lives taking that into whatever the next realm is. I think, as I said, this is an opportunity. It's really unfortunate that we had to create this type of an opportunity for us to change our collective perspective. But, you know, the time is now.

It is, yeah.

Because at a certain point, it will be too late collectively.

To reverse.

To reverse.

I think so. Wow.

I mean, that's what the scientists are saying.

Oh, man. I'm curious if you could only share one poem with the world, and then you were to die. And this is the only poem you could share, and they wouldn't have any other poems to read from this book.

Wow, that's deep.

Or any other poems you've ever written?

That's a deep question.

No one would have access to them. What would that poem be that you would share to the world, and this is all they have for the rest of their life? of yours. What would that poem be?

So, the two poems, because it really does represent the two parts of the book. You know, this book has these two parts. It's inhale and it's exhale.

Yep.

And, you know, and by the way, as you're looking at it, there's 60 illustrations in here. Yes. You know, I'm so unbelievably excited about this piece. Anyway, so the first part is personal poems, you know? And the second part is social and political. So the piece about my father called Father Time is the personal thing because I think that's what woke me up out of my illusion and allowed me to start seeing the world around me rather than my projection of myself and other people. and then I would say one little dot, which is about climate change. Because, you know, I mean, the president during the State of the Union didn't mention it one time.

I mean, doesn't think about it.

It's the biggest existential threat to humanity right now, and it wasn't even mentioned.

So, afterthought.

Yeah.

Not even talked about, yeah.

Yeah. And I would say that that poem is about taking ownership over it, you know, rather than making it someone else's problem. And it's something I'm still working on on a daily basis.

Taking ownership of it yourself?

Yeah.

In what ways?

Just in what I'm deciding to do. Decisions?

Yeah. Oh really?

Yeah, for sure.

What are you changing?

Well, I cut out meat.

All meat?

I still do fish, but yeah.

When did that happen?

About six or seven months ago.

Really?

I'm actually ashamed that it took me so long, you know, but I felt like, I mean, it's one of the biggest things that we can do individually. And, you know, who am I waiting for? You know, but there are other ways as well.

Yeah.

Yeah. But I'm happy to share either one of those or whatever.

Was there a trigger that finally made you say, okay, I want to make this decision about me. Was there like a documentary or just a conversation or is it just like, okay, now's the time, I gotta do something?

Yeah, I think it was more just like me really taking a look at my life and realizing that I wasn't, you know, it's like it's so easy to talk about something, it's much harder to sacrifice. And that's why we basically trick ourselves into not sacrificing anything personally, even for the things that we believe in. And I wanted to change, and by the way, once again, various degrees of success and failure. I am definitely not a product I'm a process and I'm figuring this out in real time. But like even the other day, I had a water bottle, you know, and as I was drinking it, I felt like ashamed.

Plastic water bottle.

Yeah. You know, and that's, that was a new thing for me where I was like, good. I'm glad I feel ashamed because I need to be aware that, you know, there are consequences when you throw out trash. Where do you think it goes? It doesn't go anywhere, man. Right. You know, it just basically like leaves where you are.

Somewhere else.

Yeah, imagine like all the trash so much. We use in a year.

Trillions of tons of waste every year.

Yeah, but me.

Personal. It's all the bags.

If it was all in my house or in my area, I mean it would be insane, but I get to go, I'm gonna put it over there and I get to walk away, but it doesn't go anywhere.

Yeah.

You know, so I think it was just me realizing that it's one thing to talk about it, it's another thing to be about it. And there's lots, lots more that I can do.

There's a lot about it.

It's personal sacrifice and taking pride in that. So that like instead of me being like, oh, I'm sacrificing something, that I actually go, no, I'm like taking a proactive step for something that I believe in. You know?

It's great.

And there's a lot of other people that are around me that are way more advanced and way more evolved and are leading the way for me, but it's something that I wanted to try to put into my own life.

It's amazing, man. There's always levels of things we can do to be better and it's like, I think not shaming yourself. Shaming yourself a little bit is good, but not being like, okay, well I had the plastic water bottle and what's on my shoe. It's like, then you have to think about every little decision. Where's this brand made from? Who's making it?

Is there's, you know, there's-- I think that there's a difference. There's always levels. And there's a difference between, you know, acknowledging that something doesn't feel good and taking a good look at not who you think you are, but who you actually are in a moment.

Yeah.

And then vilifying yourself. I don't think you should vilify yourself.

Right.

I mean, we're all just trying to figure this shit out. Right. You know, and we're all going through.

This human shit together. But it's acknowledging it and saying that's not the way I want to be.

I'm going to make a different decision moving forward. Exactly. Exactly. Rather than ignoring it so that I can keep getting whatever it is that I want in the most convenient possible way. Yeah. You know?

I want to finish with father time, but before we do, I'll make sure you guys get this book. It's going to really inspire you. So make sure to check this out. In Cues Spoken at the Summit, I think two or three times. Three times? Summit of Greatness?

Yeah.

Three of the four years you spoke at.

And every time I've done different poems.

It's amazing. You got four standing ovations last year at Summit of Greatness. It's crazy, man.

Well, you have a great audience, man.

That's amazing.

I keep coming back because I love you, I respect you, I love watching you build, man.

Thanks, man.

I was saying before we started that, like, when you see people that you care about succeed, It's almost better than your own personal successes. Yeah. You know, because I looked at you on the COVID of the magazine when I was in the airport the other day and it just, it filled me with joy.

That's good, man.

And I love what you're putting out into the world.

Thank you.

You know, because I do know that you're impacting people on a daily basis. It's very, very difficult to quantify that impact. I mean, you might get DMs or someone might come up to you on.

The street, but... You never know who's listening or watching or reading. You never know.

And you never know how it actually shapes or shifts something in their life in reality. You know, it's one thing to think something or feel something. If someone comes up to me and says, I loved your show, I thought, I felt, that's amazing. But when someone comes up to me and says, they made a different decision in their life that led them to more joy or happiness or gratitude or forgiveness.

Love, yeah.

That's the ultimate.

It's amazing. Yeah, thank you brother. I appreciate it. Hopefully we get you back this year again. I love the subtitle, if you change the present, you change the past and the future.

Yeah.

I've never heard it say that way.

Yeah.

When you focus on changing the present, you change the past.

Yeah. Because if you change the present, if you change a pattern or a narrative.

The narrative of the story.

Yes. Then immediately the past changes, right? Your perception of the past changes. and therefore the past actually changes. And then the future changes because what you're bringing into your life, your frequency changes. And so then what you're attracted to and what you're attracting shifts.

That's beautiful.

So it happens simultaneously.

Yeah, it's beautiful. Make sure you guys get the book Inquire Within. They can follow you on Instagram, inq-- InqLife. InqLife. Website inqlife.com no website is in-q.com I am dashq.com. I think you're doing a book tour too?

Yeah, we're doing a big show in LA, in New York, in San Francisco. We'll do DC and, you know, we have other dates, but right now those are the top ones.

So, if you love it's poetry, what you're about to hear, father time, what you heard before, then make sure to go watch it live and you can get all that on in-q.com yeah.

And I want to say too, you know, like this is the first time I've ever had a home for my art.

I know, I've been telling you for years.

You have, and you've been pushing me in that direction and yet we're not ready until we're ready.

It's true.

But your voice was always like a good external shove to push me towards creating it. So basically these have always been living breathing documents that have changed as I've changed. And now I finally can give them away, you know? And in giving them away, it's almost been a mini death for me so that it can finally have life for other people.

Wow. Because you only performed them on stage and then they were gone.

Yeah.

And then a year or two ago you started doing videos that went viral with some of them. Yeah, but not all of them.

Exactly.

And now you have your best ones here.

Yeah.

And they are gonna move you, so.

Yeah. And the audiobook too.

You record the whole audiobook.

Literally.

In performance mode.

Yeah.

It's gonna be amazing. So get the audiobook. It comes out March 31st. March 31st. So you can pre-order it if this is coming out before.

And by the way, if you get it, hit me up on social media.

Tag them.

You know, tag them.

Tag them, take a photo.

Spread the word.

Tag them. You're gonna love the poems. Let's finish with the father time.

I'm staring at the number wondering if I should call. I can hear the tick-tock from the clock on the wall as it meshes with the thump-thump beat of my heart. Sometimes getting something started is the hardest part. I didn't meet my dad until I was 15. I'd seen his photograph but his image was sickening. A coward with a dick but no balls to back it up. See when he left me as a kid I had cause for acting up. The funny thing about hate is the person you hate doesn't feel that hate. You feel that hate but wait. The wait can be too much for a person to take and personally I was hurt so I just locked it away. I was angry all the time, and I didn't know why. I couldn't handle my own rage, so I would hide it inside, pretending everything was fine, became a daily pastime, time passed, and I started to believe in my own lies. I took it out on my mom because she raised me alone. The rage that I couldn't own had left me totally numb. It was like land mines in my mind that I didn't understand. So when the boy inside cried, the young man outside yelled, I think I learned about my masculinity from TV. The people weren't real, so I knew they couldn't leave me. I would sit there for hours right in front of the tube, The images that I saw were my depiction of truth. It was manhood in a box. And I bought into it. The censorship of anything inside of me that's sensitive. The sentence is, A lifetime of tears, suppressed in a stone face, an overblown ego they've distracted through a paper chase. Back when I was nine, I imagined in my mind that my father was a spy working for the FBI. And that's why he couldn't stop by, write or drop a line. He was off saving our lives from the bad guys. But that was just a lie that I used to get by so that you wouldn't see the tears welling up in my eyes. When you're rejected by the person that you created by, you secretly feel like you don't have a right. to your life. I thought if I confronted him, then it would make it all right. But since I couldn't forgive him, it just recycled my spite. I remember meeting him for the first time. Every time a person passed by, I would ask, Mom, is that him? I look a little like him, right? No. Oh, what about that guy? And that was what it was like to meet the man that gave me my life. To shake his hand and look into his eyes. We talked till he apologized, then said our goodbyes. I walked away on my own, then I began to cry. Now, for years after that, I acted like it was all resolved. I told him what I thought, so I figured problems solved, but it just re-evolved. My insecurities were eating at my mental health. I took it out on the world because I hated myself. That's when I finally decided I needed some help. I opened up. I started writing about my past. I got honest with myself and I started chipping at my mask. I looked into the mirror and confronted what I saw, accepting the reflection by embracing every flaw, then directing the connection into breaking down the walls, by reflecting the perfection of the God inside us all. I stopped focusing on everything that I had been hateful for. and started focusing on everything I could be grateful for. And personally, there is a lot I can be thankful for. If pain is dragging you down, just cut the ankle cord. It's when the weight lifted and I really started living. It's when my hate shifted and I really started giving. It's when my fate twisted. It was like an ego exorcism. Your mind state can be the most powerful of presents. My father never played catch with me or gave advice, but if nothing else, that man gave me my life. And that's enough for me. If that is all he could ever give, 'Cause I'm appreciative for every day I get to live. And even though I don't need my dad to validate me, I thought that I should write this poem to thank him for creating me. Because every moment that we are alive is like a gift. And if that's not enough to forgive, then what is? I'm staring at the number, wondering if I should call. I can hear the tick tock from the clock on the wall as it meshes with the thump thump beat of my heart. Sometimes getting something started is the hardest part. I pick the phone up. The dial tone begins to sing. Punch his number into it and it begins Ring, ring, ring. Hello, Mike. Hey, man, it's. It's Adam, your son.

My man, thank you brother. Thank you, man. Powerful, man. Thank you so much for watching this video and if you're looking for more greatness in your life, then check out this next video right here.

That was the fight that I had to have within myself and I one.

Day looked myself in the mirror after a big bullying day at school in Australia and I looked myself in the.

Eyes and said, There's got to be one good thing that I've got going.