The PSYCHOLOGICAL TRICKS To Persuade & Influence ANYONE! | Robert Cialdini & Lewis Howes

People think that the way to make an appeal or a message more successful is what you put into the message. And that's those seven principles, right? So that's true. But it turns out there's research to show what you say or do before you ever send your message puts people in a...

I think you gotta have a dream.

The School of Greatness.

Really?

Yeah.

Please welcome Lewis Howes.

The first one. which is, I think, is reciprocity, reciprocation, I guess you'd call it. Why is that? It's kind of like the old give and take, let me give you something and then you want to give me something in return. How did that come about as a main, I guess, law of influence for you?

Well, you know, it came about in the way that all of them did, which was that I decided I needed to get out of my laboratory and off my college campus to really understand what were the factors that moved people powerfully and consistently in the direction of a communicator's request or proposal or recommendation. And I did it by answering ads for, to be trained in any of the major influence professions of our society. I took training in how to sell automobiles, how to sell insurance, how to sell portrait, photography over the phone. But I didn't stop there. I also did the same thing. Infiltrated training programs incognito. Disguised identity, disguised intent. They didn't know why I was there. I was there to learn what they had learned over decades and decades of what moves people in their direction. So I did that with fundraisers. I did it with recruiters. I even did it with cult. Really? How do the cults get us to move into their orbit and keep us there? And what I looked for were the commonalities. What worked across all of those various influence professions whose economic livelihood, after all, depends on the success of getting people to say yes to to them. And what I found just shocked me in how small the footprint was. I only counted six universal principles of influence that seemed to work in each of those domains to move people. And the first one, as you rightly suggested, was the rule for reciprocation that says people feel a drive to give back to others who have first given to them.

So.

There are a lot of different ways that we can move people in our direction. One is if people see that they owe us, they say yes to us. They say yes to the next request we make of them. So what it means is that we have to go first. We have to give benefits, we have to give information, we have to give advantages, we have to give concessions. And that flows back to us by the rule that exists in every human culture. Turns out the anthropologists have shown us there's not a single human society that fails to train its youth in this rule. You must not take without giving in return. So, what it tells me is that we have to flip the script of the usual business arrangement with people where we say to them, you do something for us first. You buy my product, you sign my contract, you make an agreement with me, a commitment to me, and then I will give back to you what I hope you will accept. This one says, yeah, that's fine, but there's another route where we go first, we give, and then people want, by this rule, to give to us. There's a lovely study that was it's not even published yet conducted in McDonald's restaurants in Colombia and Brazil. in South America, where they did a promotion one week. Every family that came in, the kids got a balloon as a nice thank you for coming in. Half of them got the balloon as they were leaving. Each of the kids got a balloon. Thank you for patronizing McDonald's. Please come again. The other half got the balloon as they entered. Those families?

Sales went up, yeah.

25% more food. Wow. Now here's the thing about... For a balloon! For a balloon!

A simple little 10-cent balloon.

For a balloon. Now here's the thing I love about that. If you look into the data closely, that 25% increase in buy included 20% higher coffee orders. The kids weren't getting the coffee. The parents were. The parents were grateful for what their kids got and they were going to buy more. This has to do with the last principle that we'll talk about later, the principle of unity. But here's the takeaway. Any favor you do for my child you have done for me.

Interesting. You make my child happy, I'm happier, and I want to thank you.

And I'm good. That's right. I'm not just thankful. I'm obligated. I'm both grateful and obligated by this rule to give in return.

Why do we feel... Yeah, why do we feel this obligation? Is it trained culturally or society? Is it innate in our human DNA or our psychology or the way our brain works, the chemistry? Why do we feel obligated to give something in return when someone gives something to us?

Because the first of your candidates, I think, is the major one, that we are socialized from childhood into this rule, because that rule, if it exists in any culture, makes the culture thrive. Because people give back and forth, it allows them to be specialized in a particular area where they can have an input and then somebody gives them something that they don't have in their particular area and it also allows people to cooperate toward a common goal. If this rule didn't exist, why would I ever give something first to you with the risk of losing it? For the first time in evolutionary history now, there is a rule that allows us to give something without giving it away. We don't give it away. it comes back to us. And so we're now freed to begin economic exchanges that require that we trust the other person will not just take this. So, you know, in, in every human language, we have very nasty names for people who take without giving in return, and we don't want to be saddled with those names. I know in English we call them moochers, right?

Yeah, I've been that in my life when I had no money and I was broke and I was sleeping on my sister's couch for about a year and a half. I was a moocher because I was like, and it doesn't feel good. You know, mooching off my sister, eating her food, you know, not paying rent, not working. And I was like, that's when I started studying your work.

You can't wait. I mean, you're on the balls of your feet waiting to get in a position to help in return when she might need something.

Oh, and that's all I wanted to do is constantly give back. It's funny because I was talking about this a couple of days ago actually. For the last, I don't know, eight years, I feel very uncomfortable when I go to dinner or lunch or coffee with someone. I feel very uncomfortable for them paying for me. I almost always pay, almost always unless someone is like somehow sneaks their credit card in before me with the waiter or something. And it's because for almost two years, I couldn't, everyone else had to pay for me.

Yeah.

And I feel obligated to pay the debt back.

Isn't that interesting?

I feel obligated. It's been a decade and I still feel like, ah, I just need to keep paying and paying it. I feel the obligation and I don't feel bad about it. It just feels hard to receive because I know that was a mooch for almost two years.

And.

I believe you're close with Adam Grant who talks about this in his book, Give and Take. And then there's another book called Giftology by John Roulston. I'm not sure if you've heard of gift options.

Both of those, I've read and recommend.

Yeah, the principles of kind of giving first and not waiting for someone to buy but giving first. I'm curious, in the online marketing world where it seems like every website is trying to give you something to opt in, is there ever too much saturation of giving where people or it diminishes the opportunity to connect or for someone to opt in or to by. Is there ever kind of too much saturation where it numbs us or is this always going to work?

Well.

It is diminished where we don't see the gift as something genuine, but just as a device that you give to everybody. It's not you're not trying to benefit me, you're trying to just get me to feel obligated. So for me there's good evidence on this. The more we can personalize what we give, the more people feel like they really want to give back. And here's another study that shows that. It's also in a fast food restaurant. People came into the shop and half of them were greeted warmly and then went to the counter. Another group of them was given a gift, a little key ring, a nice expensive key ring. And the third group was given a small cup of yogurt. Now, those who were given the key ring bought 12% more food than those who weren't given anything, just as we said. But those given the yogurt bought 24% more food.

Why is that?

Why do you go to a restaurant? Because you're hungry.

You're hungry? So if you give them food...

I've personalized the gift to your challenges, your needs, what you prefer in that moment, and I double.

Wow.

Your likelihood.

So it's not a random gift. It's something you came in for already, some hunger. Now, I wonder if they did an extra study where it said, you get to choose the flavor and it was specialized to you even more. I wonder how that would work.

That's interesting. I don't know. There's another principle of social proof that we'll get to later that says if I, let's say it's a dessert, it was in a McDonald's and they have Various kinds of additions you can put on, you know, sprinkles or Oreos. If you tell people what the most popular addition is, it raises the willingness to get additions. by 45%. So, we'll get to that, the idea that you can ask people and give them an option and tell them in the process what a lot of people like them prefer.

Yes. I think of See's Candy, where you go in, they give you a piece of free chocolate, you get to kind of pick the chocolate of your liking. It's like, yeah, I want this piece. And they always give a free piece of chocolate. to anyone. And sometimes they'll give you a couple pieces where it's like, now I want to buy more. It's just this feeling of obligation of like, of course I want to buy it. And just the fact that you know you can go into the store and get a free piece, you could walk out if you want to, but just the knowing, I can go into See's Candy Store, I can get a piece of chocolate if I want.

I'm gonna feel like obligated, so I'm gonna do it anyways. To your question, how do you do this online?

Yes.

How do you personalize? Well, if you have a particular expertise, right, and you know that people are following you because they want that particular thing, you give them something like the top three things you can do to enhance your success on this particular topic, in this particular dimension that you're here for. Or here are the top five mistakes that people should avoid in, in buying insurance or selecting, you know, motorcycle parts, what, whatever it is, right? It shouldn't be something that specifically enhances your business because that is seen as a device now. That's just You're just promoting yourself. No, what will make you a better consumer, a better reviewer, a better decision maker in this particular field? Give that first. Right. People will feel indebted for that.

Yeah, I'm always of the mindset of give as much of your best stuff upfront for free, give as much value as possible. and let people just be like, man, this is unbelievable. This is the authority, which we'll go into a little bit later. And when you showcase your value and people realize, wow, no one else in this space is giving like this. I trust this person more. I like this person more. All the things that we're going to talk about here is that I agree.

With you on that. And there are people who argue with me that, no, no, no, don't give away your best stuff. No, no, you'll save that. Wait a minute. How do people know what your best stuff is unless you give them a sample of it?

You've got to give a sample. Is there a diminishing return based on the season of your gift giving? For example, it doesn't seem like there is with See's Candy. When people come in, they've been doing this for probably decades where you get a free piece of chocolate. But talking about it maybe the online marketing world or online business world, If you're just giving the same PDF or video series or audio series for three, five, 10 years in a row, are there diminishing returns for that season? Should we be changing up the give every six to 12 months? Have you seen any research around that?

Yes, we should because it turns out that what we give, if it is new, if it is unexpected, It increases the likelihood of the amount that people give back to us.

Interesting.

And because it's once again, not just the same thing. It's more personalized. You've updated it for us. So that makes it feel more.

Unique and rare and interesting and all these things. What else around reciprocation should we be aware of that's important for us? And is there any downside to how much you can give? Is there, I'm spending so much money on this give and it's not working in terms of making me money, is there a downside there?

Well, there is a downside and I'll give you an example of what I found is a mistake that people make. After they have done something that is truly beneficial to a group or an audience or an individual, let's say an individual, you've done something and that person comes back to you and says, Louis, thank you. I can't tell you how important that was for me. It really did pull me out of the problem I was in and I can't tell. Here's what I used to say when people would, ah, listen, don't think anything of it. No big deal. I would have done it, you know, it's part of the job. Would have done it for anybody. You've just slapped the rule of reciprocity out the window where it dominates that situation. You really did go out of your way. You really did go above and beyond and you've diminished it. so here's what I recommend that you say. You say, of course I was glad to do it. It's what Partners do for one another. Don't forget the addendum for one another. Oh, that's the mistake that people very much of. You have to put it on the map. You have to acknowledge you don't diminish it, you don't. dismiss it, you put it on the map and you say, it's what we do for one another.

That person is on.

Record, is ready to give back to you. Now, that's for somebody that you've had a relation, it's what friends do, it's what partners do for one another, a business. What if it's somebody who you've helped for the first time, you don't have a lasting relationship? What do you say then? Here's what I would recommend. Again, I was glad to do it. I know that if the situation.

Were.

Ever to be reversed, you do the same for me.

Yeah.

You do the same for me. Again, you've put the person on record. Yes, yeah, I did do you a favor. And I know you're the kind of person who plays by the rules. The key is not to say, Oh, I know if the situation had been reversed, you would have done the same for me. That's in the past. That will never happen. You say, if the situation would be reversed, you would do the same for me. You're going to get the next request you ask for.

Wow, the subtleties of how we communicate are so important in creating the life of our dreams and struggling consistently I think the little nuances, you know, Chris Voss, who I think you know as well, I do, talks about this in his work, never split the difference. Just the little subtle communication, you know, the way we communicate, the words we use at the specific time can drastically transform our life for good or not for good.

Right.

And I think We want to learn how to use these tools, the communication styles ethically in an empowering way so that everyone benefits. There's a win-win-win in every interaction. That's what I think we're all looking for.

That's what gets you long-term profitable relationships, people who are with you, who trust you, who recognize that, hey, you're a straight shooter. I can work with this person on into the future and do well.

Yeah, I would see my father do this. My dad was in the insurance business for 33 years and I would see him always going to the local shop. We were in a small town in Delaware, Ohio, so it was a very small community and I would always see him buying from all the local people and then them buying from him and just building those relationships, he would send them gifts. This was like snail mail days where he would write them letters and he would find newspaper clippings about them and write a little thoughtful note and send it to them just constantly in that giving mentality. I saw it work for him for decades in the insurance business of the old school pre-internet social media days. You can do it online, offline. This law, this principle works.

I have colleague, she's my speaker's agent in Europe, and she has a client, very big client, but who's a slow pay. He doesn't pay for six months. And all her friends in the business say, oh, this guy, you know, he's a big client. We need him, but he won't pay our invoices. And She asked me about it. I said, well, what do you know about him? She said, well, he lives in a different city than I do, so I don't know a lot. I just know that he's an art lover. I said, oh, listen, go to your local art galleries and museums where they have these little postcards, you know, that show the pictures of the exhibitions that they have on display and their permanent work and so on. and put one in the mail with your invoice.

I love that.

She said it cut time in half.

That's brilliant. That's brilliant. If you want to get paid, you got to do things a little differently. You got to stand out. I think that's fascinating.

Put a Starbucks card in with the invoice.

Something could be 25 bucks. It doesn't have to be. Yeah.

Thank you for your business. And now they're ready to say, now they're the ones who are saying thank you. And they do it by things like that.

Absolutely. I love this. Anything else about reciprocation before we go?

We think we've covered our bases.

I think it's such an important rule. And it's something that if you're not thinking of this, if you're not coming, in my opinion, if you're not coming from a giving heart first and wanting to add value, wanting to be of service, wanting to give. It's just going to be harder to sustain relationships long term with your business, your intimate relationships, your family relationships, if you're always being the moocher or the taker. And so I just come from a place of service first and I think you'll always win out in the win-win-win situation in the long run.

We are on the same page there.

Yes.

You come from a position of service. What can you provide that enhances the other person's outcomes first? And then as a side effect, they will want to enhance yours.

Absolutely. The next principle is commitment and consistency. And I get this question so often, Robert, about people asking me about, you know, how have you built your online business or how have you got your podcast to go so big? What's the secret? What's the hack? What's the trick? to help me launch my podcast as fast as you did. And I literally tell people commitment and consistency over, I'm like, I'm gonna give you the most boring answer of how I've built, you know, one of the biggest shows, podcasts in the world, which has been eight and a half years showing up every single week, being extremely committed to my vision, my mission of serving people and being so consistent, never missing a week. for eight and a half years. And when you do things consistently with a level of commitment to your vision, it starts to pay off. So can you explain more about commitment and consistency?

I mean, that is primal, what you just said. You have to have within yourself a commitment to your vision and a consistent movement toward it in ways that really do advance towards your goals. But we also need to recognize that the people we want to influence also value consistency in themselves.

Absolutely.

So one thing we can do is to find an existing value or an existing preference of theirs and show how what we offer them is consistent with that value, their vision, their commitment, and then they will want to move in our direction because of a drive to be congruent with their existing preferences and values and previous choices.

Right.

Can you give an example around that?

Here's one that... There was a study done in Chicago restaurant owner, not this time a server, but a restaurant owner who was having a problem with no shows. People who weren't being consistent. They would call, they would make a reservation and then they wouldn't appear for it. And he went and he listened to what his receptionist would say when she took a booking and she would say, Thank you for calling Gordon's restaurant. Please call if you have to change or cancel your reservation. He asked her to change two words. You were saying a minute ago, you know, it's remarkable how just changing a word or two, you know, it makes a big difference. He asked her to change two words. Instead of saying, Please call, he asked her to say, Will you please call if you have to change or cancel your reservation? And then he asked her to pause. If I said to you, will you please call, and I paused, what would you fill that pause with? You'd say, of course. Yes.

Yeah, of course. So it's them reciprocating and saying, yes, I will. A commitment.

You've made a commitment.

Interesting.

No shows dropped by 67% because people were on record. as publicly committing themselves to that act. Because we all want to be... It's a value to live up to what we say. We prefer that image of ourselves.

Be our word, yeah.

Yes, and so you make people make that commitment explicit. Yes, I will. Now you've given them something to be consistent with.

Because please call is more of an ask. It's more like a suggestion. It's not an ask with a commitment attached to it.

The most brilliant thing about his recommendation was asking her to pause. So, people had to make an active commitment.

Oh, man, yeah.

Here's another one. I love this one. Guy called me a couple of years ago. He's the Boy Scout leader. And he says, to make money for our troop, we've arranged with a supermarket that we put tables outside the doors and we sell popcorn to people who come out of the supermarket to help the Boy Scouts. And he said, our results are dismal. We're getting like 15%. Well, I can understand why because first of all, if they wanted popcorn, they would have bought it and they've already expended their budget. and they're tired and they're okay. So I said, so what do you say when they come? They said, Would you like to buy some popcorn? If you do, you could support the Boy Scouts. I said, Try this. Say, Excuse me, do you support the Boy Scouts? Everybody says yes.

Yes. You say, no, I don't support the Boy Scouts. You're like a bad person.

Who doesn't have as a value the Boy Scouts? Right, preference. He says, well, if you would, if you do, would you like to buy some popcorn that will support us? Now 55%. You go from 15 to 55%. Here's what he said to me. He called me up. He said, this is amazing, because the people who don't want the popcorn, say, I don't want your popcorn, but I'll give you a donation Because I support the Boy Scouts.

Amazing.

So they're making a profit without even having to sell the popcorn.

That's amazing.

Because they get people to first make a commitment. How do you ask the question so people say yes to the direction you would like them to move, before you ask them to move in that direction.

Yeah, I'm reminded of, I'm having so many flashbacks of early 2010s where I studied your book and I was studying everyone else in kind of behavioral psychology and influence and persuasion and marketing and I'm reminded of, oh my gosh, is it Frank Lutz? Frank Lutz?

Lutz.

Lutz, yes, words that work, where he had all these examples kind of similar to what you created, where it's like, if you just change this one word, all these other things could happen in your favor. And it's so fascinating that you're giving these suggestions and testing these things for the Boy Scouts and all these people. And it's seeing these increases just with a couple little tweaks. And if we learn these things, and I know you've got all this stuff in your book as well, but if we start to really learn these things, It's just the result can be incredible.

For a return on investment that's over the top. The investment is one more breath?

That's it.

Will you?

With a pause, yes.

And a pause. It's costless. So I don't know how many of the people who listen are managers or have to run teams from time to time where you have a team meeting and everybody has a task to do before the next meeting. Here's what I say. Don't let anybody out of that room until you say, will you be able to complete that task by our next?

So when. So we do our team calls on Mondays. And if we have each person go around and share what's the one thing they're going to accomplish this week or the big task of the week, how should we phrase that to get their buy-in and their commitment on that?

What you say to them is, do you think you will be able to accomplish this or.