This is Why You CAN'T Find Love! | Esther Perel

The problem of consumer life is that we don't know anymore to make choices. Same with the cereals in the supermarket. Why would it be better with love? So I could get better. I could get better. I'm like, you know, I'm a victim of fomo. You know, I'm a. How do I know this is the best? No, you don't. Yeah, when do I find the best? No, you don't. You don't find your partner. You choose your partner. It's very different, you know, if you think you're going to find somebody who is the person who's going to make you stop looking. It doesn't work this way because. No, it doesn't, because at some point your inner rumblings will start up again and then you will say, oh, probably start looking. You know, it's like you just say, this is it. This is where I decide to put my, my roots in this moment, you know, And I'm gonna. And I'm gonna try to deepen them. I think we are all living with paradoxes of choice.

Yes.

You know, from. From which phone I get. But we cannot commodify a partner and just kind of beta test the partner and beta test the relationship. See, is it good enough or can I find better? Yes, you can. The fact is, you could find other. I'm not sure it would be better, but you definitely can find other. And there are lots of people you can love, and there's only a few you can make a life with, and they're not always the same. There are a lot of people you can have love stories with.

Right.

And have beauty, but they're not the person you would make a life with.

How do you know when it's the person you can make a life with?

I think values enter into there a lot more. I mean, you can have magnificent love stories with people you would never live with.

Right.

They're just too different from you. They have not the same values as you. They have, not you. One wants child, One does not. One wants to travel. The other does not. One wants career. The other. The very major. Different classes, different. Different weltan showing, as they used to say in German, you know, visions of the world. But you can love them. You can have a beautiful love story with that person and be transported in your experience with them. But you know that that's not the person with whom you're going to build a home, a future, a trajectory, maybe a family if you want that. That's not the person with whom. And for that you need more of shared vision, shared mission, shared values. Stuff that is not just in the domain of feelings, but also in the domain of beliefs. It's different views about money, views about independence and separateness versus connection, views about emotional expressiveness, views about power.

Wouldn't you say that those differences that we have also attract us to other people? That we have some of those differences? Maybe we don't share the same values or beliefs, but it's also different, unique, interesting. And so it also brings us together. Or do you think it's not enough?

I think that what attracts you originally is often what becomes the source of conflict later. The very thing that is so attractive because it's different is also the very thing that becomes difficult because it's different.

Interesting.

So of course it's a mix and match, you know. But what makes thriving relationships is not only feelings. It's a mix of feelings, actions, beliefs, touches physicality. It's a more all encompassing thing. A beautiful love story can be just about feelings. And you can love more people than those that you can make a life with. That doesn't mean you make a life with people you don't love. But it means that there is a whole other set of ingredients, right, that enter into the making of a life, which is the creation of a world. It's a little different. And in that world you often can be on the side of. You know, there's a lot of sentences today that I never heard 20 years ago in couples therapy. This is a raw deal. I'm not getting my needs met. Where is my return on investment? Excuse me, Excuse me. Somebody owes you. It's like, wow, I am in a relationship for what it's going to give me. That is an important piece. Don't misunderstand me. But I'm also in a relationship for what I'm going to give to this person, for what I'm going to give if I want children, to these children, not just for what they're gonna bring to me. It's like the level of narcissism has to be shrunken a tiny bit on occasion.

Right, exactly.

It's just like, you know, I mean, I'm part of that same, you know, landscape, but on occasion, I think it's like you calibrate it on occasion. Some. Some of us need to really learn to think more about ourselves. And some of us really need to think more about others. Some of us live with the fear that we're going to be abandoned. And some of us live more with the fear that we're going to lose ourselves. Some of us are better takers and need to learn to give, and some of us are consummate givers and we need to learn to take. And often we find a partner who is exactly the missing link. And that can be beautiful complementarity if we actually get to use the other person to become more whole, to learn from them. And it's. It's. And we need both. You need to be able to think about yourself and to know what you want and all of that, but you also need to be able to remember that others exist near you, your family, your friends, you know, you build your loved ones, and that that's what will make the difference the day you die and who will show up at your funeral. Basically, there's something really interesting about this country in relation to sexuality. There is an enormous taboo on sex education rather than the understanding that it is actually the repression that will unleash a kind of sexuality that is often about smut and titillation. I think there's a number of things in a relationship that.