Martha and Lewis Howes argue that asking tough questions about kids, family, and core values early in dating weeds out incompatible partners. Real love means accepting someone as they are, not trying to change them. If someone won't answer your deal-breaker questions, they're probably not the right match.
Chapters
You ask the question, hey, do you see yourself with kids? Ask it early. Like, scare them away, please. And if you're scared, because I have friends that say, but, Martha, I'm going to scare this person away. Scare him away. If he leaves, then that's not the person for you. The same with guys, you know, like, ask these things. Because then later, now you're in a relationship, and then what happens? Now you're in love. Now the families, the friends, everything. And then you start asking those questions. And now it starts the battle of trying to make the other person change. That doesn't work. Of course not. Nobody can change anybody. Nobody can change anybody. And what happens when you try to change someone else? What does that say about you? What I think it says is that you really don't love them deeply. Because when you love somebody deeply, you can accept them and you can see them. And I think there's a difference between falling in love and loving someone deeply. And falling in love is the process in which you are recognizing yourself through the eyes of your lover. So, Lois, you're an amazing guy. And I tell you these things, right? And you know, this about you. There's this hidden part of you. You go, yeah, I'm an amazing guy, actually. And you hear me saying it, and you go, oh, my God, I love you. That's falling in love. I am. You're seeing yourself through my eyes. Because I see your qualities, and I say them to you, you see them. But then there's the other part, which is really deeply falling in love is to see everything about that person. Not only the good parts, also the other parts. And saying to that person, I accept you, right? You're not perfect, and you don't have to be because no one is. I accept you. And because I'm able to see all of the parts of you, then I love you deeply.
So, for example, when I was dating you, everything you were saying and you were being and your action and everything, it was information for me about who you are. Because my intention was not to change you, not to do anything, but just to get to know you. And like I said, people are fascinating, right? And especially when you're in the dating process. I was, you know, I met you and I was like, oh, my God, who's this guy? I want to know who he is, what he is all about. And so anything you would do, I wouldn't take it personal. And so I think. And I don't know if you agree, but sometimes the mistake that we do is that we try to accommodate to the other person because we want to be loved, we want to be liked. Or we see only the best parts that they have, but we don't see the other parts.
