“Why 99% of Relationships FAIL” (Do THIS Today to Find Lasting Love!) | Michael Todd

If you can't deal with you, if you can't look at yourself in the mirror, if you can't forgive yourself, if you can't say we failed back there, but there's still greatness in the inside of you, if you can't do that to yourself, it's very difficult to love somebody else at that level. Our relationships are really a reflection.

The reason it's not working is because you can't divorce you. Is it too late to heal and repair because of the baggage of someone in a relationship, or can you still heal and mend and recreate a new relationship in a broken relationship. What do you say to people that are really struggling, that really want love, really want intimacy and connection and just deep compassion with someone else, but they're afraid to do the healing work because the trauma is so scary?

You need to examine the pattern.

Do you think we are ever able to run away from our past or our traumas? I think you gotta have a dream. The School of Greatness.

Please welcome Lewis Howes.

Welcome back, everyone, to the School of Greatness. We have the inspiring Pastor Michael Todd in the house. Yes, sir. Very excited that you're here.

Thank you. First off, congratulations to you, my brother. You are killing it and you and your beautiful Beyonce. Thank you, man. I don't know, I had to fly out here for this interview. I'm excited, man. Last time we did this, it was phenomenal.

Yeah, man. And I'm just excited to be with you, bro. I'm excited, man. You are a rising spiritual leader in the world. You've got an incredible church and community in Oklahoma, you have written a New York Time best selling book, multiple books, number one New York Time best selling book of relationship goals, which we had you on here for last time. And now you've got a new book, Damaged but Not Destroyed: From Trauma to Triumph.

Yes, sir.

That I think is going to really inspire and impact a lot of people. And I'm excited for people to dive into this because I think a lot of people are driven by wanting to have love and success.

Yes, sir.

They want to have feel empowered and powerful. But a lot of us are driven to get into relationships or driven to be successful based on some type of wound or trauma of not feeling enough, not being lovable, having something that's holding us back and we're trying to prove ourselves.

Yes, sir.

I raised my hand from the past of me being in that situation in business, sports and relationships. And we were just talking about this before. That drive, that wound, can get us to incredible heights. But it can also be the thing that kills us.

Yes, sir.

And burns us out and go through breakup and hardship. I want to start with relationships before we get into success. Why do you think a lot of relationships aren't working out today? Specifically to our culture and society, is it because people are choosing wrong? Is it because they're getting into a relationship at the wrong time? Is it because they're not clear on the tools on how to have healthy relationships in intimacy? What do you think is wrong with relationships today?

So first off, I wanna say that relationships are how we were, I believe, designed to interact with each other in this life. So for everybody that's listening and watching, be like, that's why I don't do no relationships. I don't want no relationships. you're missing out on, I believe, what is the fabric, the most valuable connection you could have is authentic, real, the life-giving relationship with somebody else. So for everybody that's been hurt, I just feel to start there, to everybody who's been burned and wounded and all that other stuff, I do believe that this is how God intended for it to be us to be in relationship. But the reason to answer your question, why I think it's so hard and It doesn't seem like a lot of people are doing well in relationship is because of three reasons. Number one, I don't think that they're bringing their full self to the relationship. I think many times when people start in relationship, they really give versions of themselves. And I understand it to a degree, but some people have been married for 10 years and still they've never met who they really are married to.

Ooh.

Some people have been in business with people for years and they've never really met their business partner. They're getting these versions of them that are triggered by number two, their trauma. So the version I present of you is not really who I am, it's who I am after I was in the relationship with the last guy. It's after I'm in the relationship with the last business partner. So when I come, I don't come with fresh trust. I don't come with fresh expectation. I don't come assuming the best. I come to you like, maybe you won't hurt me like the other person did. so I'm going to give you this much because I never want to actually feel that again. And you can never really love unless hurt is an option.

Wait, say that one more time.

You can never really love is being hurt is not an option.

Interesting.

And a lot of people are trying to mitigate the hurt so they also mitigate the amount of love they can feel.

Interesting.

And at the level that you are vulnerable, it's the level that you can actually experience the love the acceptance, the joy that you really want in a marriage. And so, I always ask people, I was like, who are you bringing to this relationship? Are you bringing the broken, battered, wounded, jacked up, pessimistic version of yourself to this? Are you actually saying, you know what, I need to start over. This is a brand new person. I need to maybe not even be in a relationship right now so I can go heal. And that's my burden of even this book and some of the things that I'm talking about. I really feel like the quality of our life would increase if we would allow the quality of our healing to increase. And most people don't want to take the time to heal. I mean, you used to play ball.

Yeah, man.

Like think about it, every contact sport has an off season. And the primary reason for an off season is what?

Healing.

Healing. I've been getting hit, I've been running, I've been lifting weights, I've been ripping and tearing and all the different things. And so, I need a season so that I can become the version of me that I know I can be a peer, but my body, my emotions, my will needs time to become that in here.

Yes.

And a lot of people are jumping from relationship to relationship, business, entrepreneurship to business entrepreneurship partner. They're going from this to that. And I'm scared that many people aren't reaching their greatest purpose or their greatest height because they have not taken the time to actually heal. And so that would be the answer to my question, to your question holistically. I think people aren't doing good in relationships is because they're not tending to themselves.

Right, they're not tending. So you said not bringing the full self to the other person, whether it's intimacy, whether it's friendship or business, they're allowing their traumas to guard them or hold them back as well because they're not allowing themselves to recover or heal. What would be the third thing that you say?

I would say that the third thing of this, now my mind, you got my mind going a thousand places. Now I'm ready to start relationship goals part two. But the third thing would be that they do not give, they don't tend to themselves.

Yeah, they don't tend to themselves, yeah.

So what ends up happening is I'm a person of faith and so the Bible says that you can only love your neighbor at the level that you love yourself.

So if you have a level two out of ten of self-love, you only.

Can give at maximum or two. And a lot of times you don't give nobody else the maximum. So again, if you can't deal with you, if you can't look at yourself in the mirror, if you can't forgive yourself, if you can't say we failed back there, but there's still greatness in the inside of you, if you can't do that to yourself, it's very difficult to love somebody else at that level. And that's where I think a lot of times, our relationships are really a reflection. The reason it's not working is 'cause you can't divorce you, but you can let go of them. And you don't like what you're getting from you, but you can not like what you're getting from them and try it again. And so I think that sometimes I'm talking heavy right now, Louis, but what I am saying is I feel like some people need to take time to reflect and remember to retool and then renew. And I think that's how out of that, your relationships will be so much more vibrant. They'll be so much more intentional as well as you'll get to experience the fruitfulness and the joy out of those relationships because you've done enough work on you to know what you're actually looking for.

This idea of healing is something that I've really loved over my last decade, but specifically over the last two and a half years, I've dive deeper into internal and spiritual healing.

Yes, sir.

And it has created a level of peace and an internal environment of harmony that I've never experienced in my life.

Yes, sir.

That allows me to see clearly, or at least more clearly, right? Of who's in front of me, what I want. It just gives me more awareness. But I remember many years, if not decades, feeling very anxious when a relationship wasn't working out, going through a breakup and feeling like I gotta get back on, you know, my relationship game quickly. And never really taking the time to heal because it was really scary. It was really scary to face the trauma or the shame or the whatever it was I was holding on to. It was scary and all I wanted was intimacy and connection with someone else. I didn't wanna be alone.

Yes.

I don't know if anyone can relate to this.

Everybody can relate to that. Everybody can.

So for those who are like, you know what? But it's just, it feels, I feel so alone. I feel so scared. This trauma, I don't want to think about it because it's so dark.

Yeah.

Or it's so hard for me to focus on. What do you say to people that are really struggling, that really want love, really want intimacy and connection and just deep compassion with someone else, but they're afraid to do the healing work because the trauma is so scary.

So I would say to you, because I know there's thousands of people watching this that feel that exact same thing. You need to examine the pattern.

Man, that's so true.

Because if this is a pattern of you continually getting hurt because you do not heal, then it might be better for you long term to do the work to heal so that you can cut the cycle.

Yes.

I think about Rest in Heaven, Kobe Bryant, when he tore his Achilles, and he said he could come back and play before he was fully healed. He was ready. I mean, and he would have probably been better than nine out of 10 people on the floor. He could have fooled everybody, but he knew he wasn't his 100%.

He wasn't his best.

He was not his best. So, if it came down to the last minute when he really needed to be his best, he wouldn't have what he needed to have. So, they took the time for him to actually heal. What I'm saying is you may be fooling everybody. Your Instagram is popping, your business is successful, you got the bag and the body and you got all the different things, but you know deep down in your soul, your mind, will and emotions, you know you're still hurting. And so, what ends up happening is you come in limp to love. You limp into love. Wow. Instead of leaping into love. You should be able to go a lot higher, but because you're still aware of the thing that you need to be healed, you don't go. And so what I'm saying is, if this is a pattern, if this is, if it's been the same, it was John and then it was Joey and then it was Julio, then it was Jaquan and then it was Jared. Like if it's the same thing, you might want to step back and get a new perspective because the pattern is the same. And a season of discipline can produce a lifetime of freedom.

Come on.

And that's where I just, my encouragement, I've counseled too many people. I've been around too many people. I've helped so many people get through this hump in their life. And what they realize is what they're scared of, they need the most. That intentional time with themselves, that intentional time with God, that intentional time with community, that intentional time in counseling, we need that because if you discover you, if you find out who you were made to be and walk in your purpose and get confident in that thing, then you actually will attract what you really want to love. And most people are attracting to their insecurities.

Ooh, man, that's true.

You're attracting based on your trauma, not on the healed version of you.

Right.

And so you're looking for somebody to play savior and they can't. They've never been able to have that ability in this life. And so I would just encourage those people, I know it's hard. I know it's frustrating. I know you probably even tried before, but as someone who can identify with you, like as someone who did not want to face their trauma, did not want to talk about the bad stuff that happened, did not want to even block stuff out, like, no, like I'm not going there. Like the journey that I've gone on to actually take everything that has damaged me and say, you know what? I may be damaged, but I'm not destroyed. This thing that was trauma, it actually can be fuel to make me triumph. I learned that the value was still in me. And then once I learned the value was in me, then I could give and add value to other people. And so, I'm telling you, it may be hard, but it's going to be worth it. Wow.

You've been married for 14 years now.

14 years.

14 years together, 21 is that right?

Yeah, this is my high school sweetheart. Met her when I was 15 years old. and she's still the finest woman I've ever seen in my life.

That's amazing. I love her. I'm assuming, you know, I don't wanna put words in your mouth, but I'm assuming that when you met her, you weren't...

I was a boy.

You weren't on the healing journey yet. No, I was a boy. I was still messing up. You had traumas, you had challenges, you were struggling. And I'm assuming when you got married, you still had a lot of traumas and as challenges, right? Yes. So how do you, heal in relationship, if you've made a commitment to someone already and you realize, oh, you know what? I still got my wounds and traumas and I'm still kind of messing up in certain ways and maybe she is too. But we've been together for three, four, five, six, seven years now. Now we got kids and we're realizing we've been trauma bonding or reacting or triggering each other or hurting each other unintentionally or I've been hurting myself. Is it too late to heal and repair because of the baggage of someone in a relationship? Or can you still heal and mend and recreate a new relationship in a broken relationship? I'm not saying yours was broken, but anyone's.

No, no, yeah. This is what I do. And for everybody that's listening, you have to go get my book, Relationship Goals. This is not what we're talking about today. Right, right, right. But it will help you. It's how to win in marriage, dating, and sex. And you really need to get that. And my answer to your question, Louis, is yes, overwhelmingly yes. Two broken people who make a decision to do something are way more powerful than a broken person who decides, I don't want to try. Like trying turns into training and training can change your destiny. And so, I've seen it in my life. I've seen it because the reason I say get the book, because I tell you all the stuff I did. I messed up, I jacked up, I lied, I had months of insanity, I did all that other stuff. But this is my model, progression, not perfection. If somebody sees that you are moving forward or making attempts, statistics tell us that their ability to have grace for your mistakes grow exponentially. Many times people are frustrated by the immobility of somebody or the paralyzation of somebody or the nonchalant I don't care I'm not doing nothing attitude. But when somebody sees somebody trying their grace goes up significantly. What I'm saying is it can't be one sided but if two people come together and say you know what we've been jacked up We've been messing each other up. I trigger you, you trigger me. This turns into all of this stuff.

We've made mistakes.

We've made each other angry. We've jacked up, we've cheated, we've hurt each other. We spent money that people didn't know. Let's be real about it. I went on a vacation with my girls and you had no idea what was happening or were you really out with your boys watching the game? Come on, real stuff. I have seen all of those things change when people have made a decision. and this is what I say. I think I told you earlier, it applies to so many areas of your life. When you make a decision, your decision changes into a discipline. You have to do something that's a discipline. Okay, we're gonna go to counseling once every two weeks, or we're going to meet with another couple that's older than us and ask them how the hell they didn't kill each other. Or we're gonna, you know what I'm saying? We need a discipline. We're gonna take walks together. We're gonna talk. We're gonna make a discipline. But once you get that discipline somewhere around the consistency being all the time, even when you want to, it turns into a desire.

Yes.

You literally go from a decision to a discipline to a desire, and that desire continued will change your destiny. You can apply that to any area of your life. You can apply it to relationships, money, you can apply it to what we were talking about earlier, health and working out. But I'm telling you, this is the formula for life. It is a decision. I don't want to, but I'm gonna do it. That turns into a discipline. I don't feel like it, but I'm going to do it. Which then one day turns into a desire, man, I actually want to do this. And then it changes your destiny. And if you can apply that to any area of your life with consistency, you will take every trauma situation and it has to turn into triumph. Ooh, every single time.

And that's something you've been doing in your health journey over the last year now, year and a half or what?

About two years.

Two years. Because I saw you, I think it was about two years ago when I saw you last.

Yeah, I was a little fluffier, bro. more packed on. I had a little extra weight on.

You had some extra love on you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But what allowed you to make a decision with your health to optimize health? Because it's been a two year journey. You've been disciplined on this journey of health. Was there a trauma holding you back? Was there an old pattern holding you back? Was it just life was just, I'm.

Growing in the school of greatness podcast. I'ma be hot, humble, open and transparent. The truth of the matter was I was an emotional eater.

Mm-.

If we won, I ate. If we lost, I ate. If somebody died, I ate. If somebody had a baby, I ate. Like, it was like, what do you do that you are in control of that makes you feel good? Cookies and cream ice cream. Blue Bell.

All that.

I mean, burgers with cheese and all, like, it was just, and it didn't matter what time of night, I find myself two o'clock in the morning, like, what's open? Ice cream. Like, let's go. and I was an emotional eater that I never addressed it. I never even thought about it. When I begin to gain another level of success, responsibility, all of these different things, now it gets magnified because I'm feeling it all the time. Like I'm responsible for this many people's livelihoods and people are depending on me to be inspired and be drawn closer to God and all this other stuff and you start feeling that pressure and what do you do? You need a release.

Food.

I was eating.

Here is a bonus relationship tip thanks to our sponsor, Regain, a couples therapy option offered by BetterHelp. What's the question that's at your heart in terms of setting up intimate relationships for success? I'm just trying to think about all the things that I did with Martha, my girlfriend, which is essentially the opposite of everything I've ever done before. But the thing that really made me say, oh, this is my partner, right? And I can really feel safe emotionally, spiritually, physically safe with this person. It's early on I said, listen, I've made a lot of mistakes in my past relationships, and none of my past relationships have worked. But in each one of them, I wanted to do therapy when they weren't working. Right. And the partners that I chose never wanted to do therapy with me.

Right.

They were resistant. They took a year and a half, two years of like it not working and me saying, Hey, can we do this and find support? Yeah. And they never wanted to do it. And I said, listen, this isn't really an ultimatum, but I want to feel emotionally safe. Would you be open to going to therapy in the beginning of the relationship? not when things have problems in the future, but can we go together now? Yeah. She was like, 100%. That'd be amazing. I'm down for whatever. She was like, I've always wanted to do that too. Yeah. I felt like, okay, just her acknowledging that.

Yeah.

And then us doing it has been a beautiful foundational process. You've heard us talk about BetterHelp online therapy, so we also want to share their couples therapy option. regain. Visit regain.com slash greatness couples. It's a powerful tool for any relationship at any stage.

Bro, I got up to 270 pounds. I was 270 pounds. I was slow. I was trying to hide. I was insecure, which tapped into another trigger, another trauma of mine, of being insecure about how I looked and how I felt and all that other stuff from young. And so I literally got to a point where I was looking at myself and I was like, you're not gonna be able to do everything that you were put on this earth to do if you do not do something about this issue.

Right. Your current identity did not fulfill your future vision.

See, bro, you talk in my language right now. I'll say it like this. My future self could not get there without my present self. Right. And my present self was killing me.

Right.

Like it was literally destroying all of the opportunity, all of the thing. And I was like, I gotta do something about this. And so I started on a journey, bro. And literally I couldn't do five push-ups. Like, I'm gonna put it out there for every person that's like, no, I should be able to do more than this. I was 35 years old. I could not do five push-ups. I had to start with five and ten dumbbell weights. I was out of shape. I could not run for more than five minutes. Like, it was horrible. And everybody laughing right now, just, okay, hold your horses, because now it's a whole different thing. Like, literally for a two-year process, I turned my garage into a gym.

I.

The trainer comes to my house six days a week.

Wow.

Like, I invested money. I invested in equipment. I stopped buying cars and stopped doing all the other stuff because what? Good is it to have a vehicle that I can drive that looks good and the vehicle God gave me is trash? Oh, like think about it. How many people are driving in luxury cars and the one vehicle that you get and you can't trade out and you can't lease out, you are literally riding around or walking around in a hoopty.

Right.

And I was like, no, I'm gonna put this into this and literally I've lost over 50 pounds. I'm stronger than I've ever been in my whole life. But the truth of the matter is the least thing that happened to me is the physical transformation. It's what happened to my mind. It's what happened to my emotions. I am more confident in my word now than I have ever been.

In your word?

In my word. 'Cause a lot of times we say stuff and the reason it doesn't happen is 'cause we don't believe what we say. Right. A lot of times it's not anybody external. It's like, I'm gonna make a million dollars. And it's like, I don't even believe that. Like, hopefully it happens, but like, you don't believe your own word. And the person that you need to trust the most When it comes to doing what you need to do is yourself. And many times we know how many times we break our promises to ourselves. I'm not gonna eat the cake and 10 minutes later you're eating the cake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna talk to her or I'm not gonna make that business deal. Ah, it's too much money. We know that the person, if you really evaluate the person who is broken their promise to you more than anybody is you.

That's true.

So what happens when you don't trust you. It makes you approach other people differently. And so for me, this process has made me trust myself. I know when I did 75 hard, and I don't know if you know about that program.

I know for celery juice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bro, I did 75 hard.

That's hard.

It's hard.

Two a days.

Two a days. One has to be outside a gallon.

Of water reading 10 pages.

You got the whole thing. I did it, and I did it not in this shape. I did it a year ago.

Oh man, that's even harder.

Oh, bro. But when I finished that, this is not a season anymore. This is my lifestyle. I believe me now. So doing the physical work with the emotional and spiritual work, I feel like a new person, bro. Wow. I have literally turned into a different person with the same values, but a different vehicle.

That's incredible.

And that is what I desire for for everybody. It was like my life was in black and white, and now it's in full HD color. And I believe that those three components, the spiritual side, connection with God, the physical side, connection with yourself, and the emotional side, the connection with everything that's happened to you. If you work on those, if you do the hard work in those areas, the quality of life that you live is off the charts.

Here is a bonus relationship tip thanks to our sponsor, regain. A couple's therapy option offered by BetterHelp. What's the question that's at your heart in terms of setting up intimate relationships for success? I'm just trying to think about all the things that I did with Martha, my girlfriend, which is essentially the opposite of everything I've ever done before. But the thing that really made me say, oh, this is my partner, right? And I can really feel safe. emotinally, spiritually, physically safe with this person. It's early on I said, listen, I've made a lot of mistakes in my past relationships, and none of my past relationships have worked. But in each one of them, I wanted to do therapy when they weren't working. And the partners that I chose never wanted to do therapy with me. They were resistant. It took a year and a half, two years of like it not working and me saying, Hey, can we do this and find support? Yeah. And they never wanted to do it. Um, and I said, listen, this isn't really an ultimatum, but I want to feel emotionally safe. Would you be open to going to therapy in the beginning of the relationship? Not when things have problems in the future, but can we go together now? Yeah. She was like, 100%. That'd be amazing. I'm down for whatever. She was like, I've always wanted to do that, too. I felt like, okay, just start acknowledging that. And then us doing it has been a beautiful foundational process. You've heard us talk about BetterHelp online therapy, so we also want to share their couples therapy option, Regain. Visit regain.com/greatnesscouples. It's a powerful tool for any relationship at any stage. Damaged but not destroyed is what we're talking about with the book. What do you think you would have been in five to 10 years? Because you had been, there was a groundswell around you really about four years ago, five years ago, that kind of like social media, all these people in your community and the world is now paying attention to you and your message and your content and your books and your voice. and for great reason, right? Because you're bringing a lot of joy, inspiration, and service to people. Where do you think you would be in five to 10 years had you not taken care of the commitment, the decision to being disciplined with your health? But you're still on the rise, you're still serving, you're getting all this real estate, you're impacting people, millions of people are following you. Where would you be in five to 10 years?

I would have unhealthy habits. that would jeopardize everything.

Really?

Oh, well, it's how the human nature is. If you're not healthy, but you still are making great impact, what ends up happening is that great impact starts to affect you differently because it becomes a harder pressure because you do not have the vehicle or the, yeah, vehicle container. The container.

Yeah, yeah.

To do what you need to do. so you need to find ways to medicate.

To numb, to medicate, to whatever.

Release all of those words. Right. And that's when people start making stupid decisions.

Oh, man. What is the decisions that most people make?

Oh, we're, I mean, it's, it's been the same since the beginning of time. It's the girls, the gold, it's the greed. It's the, like, you start, you start, you start taking more than you're supposed to. You start. investing in relationships that have no actual benefit for your life. You start becoming, you got into it with the right motivation and now the motivation is just money. And so it changes the heart and the content of what you're doing. Cause it's not about actually helping people, it's about how many people can help me. When motives change, the ways that I release change. And then, I mean, we haven't even talked about the substance abuse. I can't tell you how many athletes and people that I mentor and pray for and help that they're literally inebriated more than half of the day.

Like smoking, alcohol, drugs, whatever.

They're literally not remembering the life they prayed for. Wow. They were in some locker room or somebody's mom's house praying that they could get into this situation, and now they are so overcome with their past traumas and their current pressures that they are literally numbing themselves and saying, bro, I don't even remember. I don't even remember. So you're living the greatest moment of your life and you don't even remember it. And it's because this is what we do as humans because I don't believe that God created our bodies to be able to handle that kind of stress and Trauma. And so we have to figure out a way to keep going because we want the results of it. But we can't really keep going because it's killing us. And so we try to find ways to do it. And that's why I say the safest way to get into the place that you need to be is you need to deal with your past issues so it can change your present situation and it can prepare for you a great future.

Yes. Do you think we are ever able to run away from our past or our traumas?

No. your body keeps the score.

It does.

Like, I mean, people, people act like, like not saying it does something. No, your body is a computer that is, is taking all the information and it's storing it. Stress, hypertension, all of the, I mean, we have people dying of heart attacks at 32.

Crazy.

Like, There are so much information coming to us every day, all the time, so many ideas, so many opinions, all of those things were never a part of the core creation DNA for a human being. So you think about processing all of that and then processing processed food and then taking on all the information and then worried about everybody's comments of you and how skinny and how, Think about the stress that your body and your mind and your emotions is under, not to mention that the real life stuff happens. You have a miscarriage, you lose a loved one, COVID happens, and your business has to shut down. That means that something has to be prioritized, and that something is not anything external. It needs to be us. We need to deal with the issues, the lies, the hurts, the layers that have made us into this person, but may be the very thing that's trying to take us out. Right. And so for me, I mean, I just know that part of my issue, even with food and weight and emotional eating, I need to delay, I need to talk about some stuff. I needed to, what did you need to talk about? In order to be talking about, I needed to talk about insecurities. For, okay, so I'll talk about it in the book, but I'll just, I'll just sum it up right now. I had this revelation that I had become allergic to being good. I could only be great. I was in a situation when I was young where I was good at playing the drums at 12 years old. And I mean, I was really good. And I was in our church back at the house, and I was better than the drummer that played for our main service.

Like the adult.

Like the adult service, you know what I'm saying? And all I wanted at 12 years old is to play drums in the big church. That's what I called it, playing drums at the big church. And the guy who was over all the music, he was like, you are really good. And they were always giving me props and all the other stuff, but he would always let this older guy play that was not as good as me. and I would come every Tuesday, the only kid there for their rehearsals. And I'd be there with my sticks. I would come early. I'd make my parents drop me off. I'd know all the music and everything like that, but they would never let me play. And I did this for months. Like months. I knew all the music. I knew all the song. I was hoping that he would just fall dead and just fall off the thing. And then I was able to catch it. I mean, this is in my 12 year old mind, you know what I'm saying? But like, I knew I could do it if somebody would just give me an opportunity. And they never let me play. And I remember being on that maroon chair and see this is how subtle trauma can come into your life. And this is why we have to evaluate it. I remember sitting on a maroon chair in the back and I decided that being good was not good enough. I had to be great at everything. Well, 'cause if I was great, they couldn't deny me. like, if I was great, there's no way they wouldn't let me do that. And from that day on, at 12 years old, my engine changed. I couldn't be good at anything. Okay? No, I'm not playing the game unless I'm gonna smash you. Wow. Like, I'm not. And now this now seems like at that age, it seems endearing. It's like, wow, this. This young man is. Wow, he's. He's proactive and he's gifted and motivated. He's hungry. And so now I'm getting attention from it and now I'm getting accolades from it. And now I'm get, so it's like, oh, this is great. I made the right decision. Like, I'll never be good. Nothing good is good. I will only be great. So my car had to be great. My business had to be great. My wife had to be great. My family had to be great. Everything had to be great. And this served me. for almost 20 years until I reached this level of success and everybody wants me to come speak and everybody wants me to do this. And we found out that my only son had autism. So now my wife is broken. She's depressed. I'm confused. I'm the guy that's supposed to have crazy faith, but I can't do anything about my son. He's no longer looking at us. He's not saying any words. His younger sister is developing past him like he's peeing and pooping on himself every day. Like, what's going on? And now my motor is, I have somebody here that looks like me that's not great, and it's not even good. I don't know how to process this. So now I'm gonna go and I'm gonna make more money. I'm gonna da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. But my wife needs me. I have the person I've loved for my whole life sitting here saying, I don't care if we have any more money. I need my husband. I need you to sit with me. And I'm like, well, yeah, you sit there, but I gotta, like, 'cause now my motor to be great is no longer what's gonna help me. If I would have taken all the dates, if I would have kept going, I would have lost my wife and my family. I would have lost my legacy. I would have lost the thing that meant the most to me. And this is the culmination of me having to deal with, like, where did that come from? And so I was sitting with my mentor outside of Oklahoma City in a crackle barrel, and he was listening to me talk, and he's sitting there, his name is Tim Ross, and he has this huge pile of eggs that he's eating. He loves eggs for some reason. And I just remember seeing the eggs, and he says, so when did you have, when did you decide that your standard for this life was greater than God's. And I was like, what are you talking about? And because I'm a person of faith, we look at the Bible as principles and practical things that we can use to live our lives by. He said, Remember in creation, it said in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and the star, and he told the ocean how far it could come and created land and did all of these things. And he looked back at his work and he said, It's good. He created the solar system and the galaxies and all the animals. And then he looked back at it and said, that's good. And he does all this creating on the sixth day, he creates man and woman. And he looks at him and said, this is good. He said, if God's standard is good, why is your standard great? And something inside of me was like, whoa, I keep living and not even appreciating all of the good that's around me because of the trauma that happened to me at 12.

Wow.

And now I don't even like good. I don't even appreciate good where people would love to have good. I can't have good money. I have to have great money. I can't be good in my relationship. My relationship has to be great. I'm literally missing the essence of life. and what's right in front of me, I can't even be grateful for what people would kill for because of the trauma that happened on the maroon chairs when I was 12. And this is part of what led to me going through this healing journey and transformation so that I could really, really live life to the fullest.

This is a powerful story, Manna. And in your book, on page 49, you have a little quote that says, Our fruit is always connected to the root.

Yes, sir.

So when you thought back to your 12-year-old self, Where was the fruit that was in the root of your pain?

Yeah, so the fruit was, now I'm a very successful, workaholic, excellence expecting, perfectionist person, Mike Todd. But the root was I was an insecure little boy who felt like nobody saw him. so I was gonna make sure you saw me. So now everybody will look at the fruit and be like, yay. Like, wow. Like, that is phenomenal. But the root was trauma. The root was damage. And the foundation.

Foundation helped you get there, in a sense. Yeah. Yeah.

It was motivated negatively, right? But if you never stop and examine it, It would have been the same thing that destroyed me. Right.

It helped you get to a certain level. Yeah. But just like the same thing that helped Mike Tyson get to world champion status is also the thing that destroyed him.

And this is why I'm telling everybody who's listening right now, it may be time to stop and evaluate. Just because you're doing good doesn't mean you're doing good.

But Mike, how can I stop when I need to be relevant? How can I stop when my competitors in the space are gonna outperform me. How can I stop when so much is dependent on me right now?

And so what I'm gonna say to you is your value system is broken. Like, if that's all that matters to you is your competitor and not your actual piece, if all that matters to you is I need to be relevant instead of I actually need to be real have it. And we'll see how long you can do that. But I'm telling you, as I counsel and I lived it and I've been with and I'm on the phone with people every day who are like, I mean, how do you, how in the world you commit suicide with hundreds of million dollars in the bank? How do you, there, how do you beat all your competitors and you don't want to live? Like we've seen that story 100 times and we always chop it up like, man, that's sad for them. But we don't realize that if we don't deal with the things that we got stuff back in the closet of our lives and how our parents treated us and how we didn't get picked for certain things. And I'm not trying to give anybody their story, but what I am saying is that for all of us, if we live in this world, there is something that has happened to us. And for many people, it's very dramatic stuff that has happened to you. You don't even talk about nobody, your husband, your wife, your closest friends don't even know. But if you don't deal with it, what ends up happening is at some point, it may be the very thing that delays or totally destroys your destiny.

Absolutely.

What I'm trying to tell you is, like right now, you watching this, you listening to me and Louis talk about this, this is your sign. It's time to start working on the old stuff.

Absolutely.

It's time to start dealing with the trauma. And I believe that all of your damage can actually be the thing that turns into your destiny. Every wrong, bad thing that I've done, I have now used and turned that pain into a platform. And it's the very reason why people relate to me. It's the very reason I'm on this podcast right now. It's the very reason that we're doing anything. But it's like if you don't do it, it's going to take away from you instead of add to you.

So over the last, you know, few years for you, as you transformed the emotional eater in you and the insecurity in you, into something greater, into security and peace and cautious eating. Yes. I'm sure you're not perfect in your eating style. No, but we own more intentional eating.

I brought my meals with me.

Exactly, man. What was the value system that you had before and now what is the new value system that you've upgraded to?

Okay, so I'll have several layers to this that go into the book, but let me just say this. It can be broken down very simply is I cared about people's thoughts of me. Now I care about my inner peace.

Right.

So you can't have both. If people's thoughts of you are more valuable, then you will do everything to keep that going even at the benefit, at the peril of yourself.

You'll be a constant people pleaser. And that is exhausting.

It's not just exhausting, it will make you extinct. It will kill the reason why you do what you do. So like practically how this works in my life is that I'm telling you my engine is, I gotta be great, I gotta be great, I gotta be great. Like this is my whole story. We have a breakdown. My son has autism, my wife is depressed. All of these things are happening. I had to cancel six months of engagements.

Wow. Speaking engagements, commitments.

It was all my money.

Right.

I literally had to say, what do I want? Do I want to look up five years from now and have made how many ever thousands of dollars that would have been? Or do I want my family? No brainer. Are people going to be mad at me? Are people going to be frustrated? I'm already on the bill. They may never invite me back. But these are the people that I committed to, and I want to be healthy more than all of that. So I could have been a people pleaser, or I could have done what would have happened, what was best for my inner peace. And so it hurt to cancel all summer 2019 all the way to December. I mean, every conference I'd ever gone to, they wanted, they were paying me to come. I was flying all over the world.

You were on the rise.

I was going, I mean, literally everywhere. Australia, Africa, London. I was everything. and I had to call them and cancel all out.

So you had to cut the idea of being a people pleaser as well.

Immediately.

Which is painful for a people pleaser.

For anybody who wants to be great and you think that your greatness is on the other side of a connection. Ah. And I had to realize that my greatness came from the purpose that I believe God gave me before I was here. And so maybe this was something that was going to make me and I was right. Like literally that. was the summer that everything changed.

Really?

Oh my God. When I wasn't going after it, something started happening in me. And so many times we're so busy that we cannot see what's actually going on. And I needed a break. I needed time to be out of the hustle and bustle to be able to actually evaluate, like, what do I care about? Like, what's important? What brings me peace? Like, okay, I got money in the bank, but that, I'm still stressed. Like, I'm still hurting, I'm still frustrated. Like, and once that happened, it was like the floodgates opened. Wow. Like everything in business, everything in my relationship, everything, because I started working on what was going on in the inside of me, man. And that's why, again, the message that I'm coming with with Damage but not destroyed, I just want to be a coach. I want to be a guide because I've been through it. And most people write this book at 65-70. like the stuff I'm talking about in here, that you wait till you're way past it. And I was like, no, I said, because somebody needs to know in their late 30s, in their early 20s, in their mid 40s, in their 50s, like now is the time to start dealing with this stuff because the life on the other side of it has way more value than the one you're living now. Right.

That's so true. You know, I think something we have in common is we both lean on mentors and guides.

Yes.

To give us counsel, to give us feedback. And one of the things that stood out for me the last time we connected is that you lean on a mentor and you have for over a decade, at least as you've been a pastor. And one of your mentors early on, I don't know if this is the same guy who's eating the eggs, but one of your mentors said, you've got to take at least a month off a year. That's the same guy.

Same guy, yeah. What's his name?

Tim Ross. Yeah. And that stuck with me because I go, wow, you had just come off, I think, again, the number one New York Times bestseller. I think when I saw you and you're like, you either just came back from a month off or you were like, I'm about to go on a month.

No, I was about to go on it.

Yeah, you're like, but this thing just hit number one. Don't you have to go promote it more and do all the press? You said something like, this is the time where when everything is hot and you feel like you've got to go even more and go farther, that's the time you need to take a break if you've already pre-scheduled that. Yes. just jump in because there's more opportunity. Be there for yourself first and allow for opportunities to continue to come.

Yeah. I told you last time I said, I live on principle. Most people live on opinions. I live on principle. And so a principle is something outside of you that governs you even when you don't want it to. And so for me, the principle was, for what I do, I need to take a month and I need to give to myself, my family, my spiritual health, because I'm giving out a lot. I'm trying to add value to people all the time, and I need to do this. And so literally, when we did relationship goals, it hits number one. Number one, I barely passed English class. Okay, let's be very clear about this, Louis. And my first book goes number one New York Times bestseller, okay? 13 weeks, it's on the New York Times bestseller list. 13th. and it comes down to the time that I'm supposed to go on my sabbatical. And the only reason it's gonna come off the New York Times bestseller list is because I stopped promoting it. My publisher's like, Hey, hey, keep going. I know what you said. But what, and this was where I felt like my internal spiritual guide was saying to me, this is when I'm gonna see if you're a real man or not.

Wow.

Are you gonna keep your word to yourself? And I said, I gotta do it. I shut off social media, I shut off everything, and as well, I shut off the New York Times bestseller.

Right, 'cause the week you left is off the list. That's crazy. How did that make you feel, though?

I felt like I won. Wow. Because at the end of the day, I became a better man more than I sold more books and became a better success to other people. And this is the crazy thing. My next book, New York Times bestseller. So I feel like it was the seed I sowed on obeying what I knew I needed to do and live on principle that then like paid it forward. For the next book, most people don't get one New York Times bestseller, let alone two. But your first two books are both New York Times bestseller books. I didn't have no big marketing team or anything. I believe that was the nod from God.

Wow.

You did it.

You did it.

And that's where for me, I just feel like when you do the things you know you need to do to preserve yourself, it always works out for you in the end.

That's true. It does. When someone goes through the damaged but not destroyed path.

Yeah.

And they start facing their traumas or things from their past. They start facing it as opposed to running from it.

Yeah.

And they start to feel a sense of inner triumph. They start to feel a sense of peace. They start to feel a sense of harmony. They start to feel like their full authentic selves.

Yeah. Yeah.

And maybe they've gotten out of a couple of bad relationships and now they did this work because they realized that I'm part of the problem. I am the problem. Right. I'm in all these relationships.

Yeah, I'm the only one that can keep going through to the relationships.

And they've taken this time and they've reflected, and now they start going on some dates, they start having some fun, they start connecting with people, they start meeting people. How do they know when they're choosing the right partner for that?

So now you asking a real big question. It depends on where you feel your purpose is. You do not pick partnerships based on pleasure. You pick partnerships based on purpose. and I think that's where a lot of people get messed up. There are a lot of people you can be compatible with, but they're not going in the same direction as you. If me and you were to say right now, let's go to Disney World, there are probably 15 different paths to get there. And there are some people that are like, well, let me stop way over here and let me go over here. But if we were riding in the same car together, we would have to go on the same road on the same highway, getting to the same place because our purpose was to go to this destination. I think a big part of my burden for our generation when it comes to business partnerships, relationships, all those things is to pick partners for purpose, not just for pleasure.

Yes.

Because the pleasure wears off when you get in a pit. Like when it ain't working, when we lost the money, used to dress up for me and now you looking like a grandma. Like all of those things, that's when you have to pick partners that you remember. Why did we get together? What was the purpose of this? What did we say we were going to do? And so a lot of times when people are starting to date and have fun and do all the different things, they're not thinking purpose. And it's hard to think purpose when you have not spent enough time with yourself personally.

That's true.

So, because you don't know, like the only way Again, congratulations to you and your beautiful fiance. But part of the reason y'all connect is 'cause of where y'all both wanna collectively go. 100%. If she wanted to be in a different country as a scuba diver instructor and you knew you were supposed to be here doing this, it would conflict with what you could do together. And maybe you could be in relationship for a while and then you start saying, Hey, I miss you. and she was like, well, the fish, I love the fish. And I'm being very sarcastic, but what I'm saying is that is what a lot of our relationships looks like. It's like the sex is bomb, we connect physically, but our purposes don't align.

And they can only last so long.

Oh my God.

To have that sexual chemistry or connection all by itself.

That never has worked. If that worked, all relationships would be together. the truth of the matter is there would be no divorce. And that's why I say again in relationship goals, like there is a formula that are a pattern that I believe that has been set out that has worked from generation to generation to generation that if you get the right relationships right first, if you get the relationship right with yourself, the relationship right with God, and then you can get the relationship right with somebody else, then that pattern takes you to where you need to be.

What I'm hearing you say is that when you're in alignment with your higher purpose.

Yes.

And when you're in alignment with your own individual purpose of who you are. Yeah. You'll start to align with someone else and you'll start to see, okay, we're on the right track together. And maybe you like different things, but we have a similar idea about a vision and a value system for our life.

And then what happens is the most magical part.

Tell me.

Is that you guys make each other better. So my purpose, I thought I had a purpose until I met my wife. And when we got together, it was like, oh, I thought it was gonna happen like this. We are greater together. That's where the scripture says two are better than one because they have great success on their investment. And two are better than one because if one falls, the other one can be there to pick them up. How can one stay warm by yourself. No, they need each other. Like there is exponential growth, there is exponential clarity, there is exponential success when two people are going the same way for purpose and they're in partnership.

Interesting.

And that's why a lot of times I just tell people it's very hard to pick a partner if you don't know the purpose. If you are starting a company and you're doing tech and somebody else is doing agriculture, that's not the partner you would pick. You would pick somebody in that same space. Yes. So that y'all could go the same way together.

But what about someone like you? You met your wife when you were in high school, high school sweethearts. You didn't really know what your purpose was at that time.

It was no.

You just were like, ah, we just want to, we like each other. We love each other. We want to be together. Let's do this. Let's have fun. Let's be together. You know, and I think a lot of people, not that that's wrong, but a lot of people get into relationship out of attraction, likability, and they start.

Loving each other and they're just like.

Let'S just be together without asking the questions about purpose. Yeah. So if someone's already gotten into a relationship and they're like, we don't have a purpose, how can they create that as opposed to just end the relationship? And how can they make sure that they're both in alignment?

So what I would encourage everybody to do, and this is why I encourage you, if you have teenagers or if you have young kids or anything, you need to get them relationship goals because there's just certain things that if it's not talked about or you're not known, like you're just gonna fall into crap. and then you're gonna have to deal with the consequences. So, like, I don't think people should do that. But this is a practical step that people can do. You need to go somewhere that you guys like as a couple and have a vision Retreat.

Dude, I did this with Martha.

You did it.

After three months of dating her, before we got committed, we went to Sedona.

Okay.

And I did. We did a vision Retreat.

Yes.

A vision and a values Retreat.

I love it.

We both had a journal. I told her to bring a journal. I took it to a top of a... Vortex. I don't know if you've ever been to Sedona, but essentially a rock. It's supposed to have like energy or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we went to the top of a rock and I said, listen, I'm gonna do an exercise for us. Put in some like meditative music, just us two up there. Sunset. I said, I want you to dream. Dream about the future, about what you want to create in your future and our potential future. and I would love for you to, for a few minutes, to write down all of your main values in your life now and what you're gonna value in the future, at least what you think you're gonna value. Maybe some stuff changes, but at least your core values. And she did this exercise and I did it separately on a different piece of paper and I did the same thing. Cause I didn't want us to be influenced by seeing someone else's. And we brought them together and we said, let's review this. And it's kind of a moment of truth to our values align. and thankfully our values were very much in alignment. And, you know, maybe there's a few things that she had different than me and vice versa, but I wasn't like, okay, cool. I have no problem with that. And she had no problem with mine. So we aligned and that gave me clarity and peace.

Yeah.

And I said, okay, what is our vision for a relationship? What is the vision that you want? Because maybe it's completely different than what I want. So we both did that exercise and we came together and we said, this is the vision. It's really to have a purposeful relationship. Yeah. A relationship that is of service to each other and to the world.

That's beautiful.

And since we were both in alignment, I was like, man, I feel really peaceful. Let's make this happen. Yeah. You know, let's commit to this.

But let's think about it. What is an alignment? If you take your car in for an alignment, what they do is they lift it up and they start making sure that everything is balance.

Yes.

So that we can actually get back on the rough road and still stay together.

Right?

Yeah. Like not fall apart. Not fall apart.

That's true. The wheels don't want the wheels to fall off.

And we don't want one wheel to be low. So it really makes us drift a certain way. And so I would just encourage couples, business partners, friends that may have gone through different seasons, because that's what me and Natalie had to do. I went from a boy to a man. And so we had to, we had to revision every decade. Wow. Like, and I would encourage every relationship to do that, revision every decade.

All right.

You're not the same when you're in small kids to now you have teenagers. You're not the same to when you have teenagers to when they're out the house. And a lot of people that have great relationships in one season have horrible relationships in a different season because they've never revisioned. Wow. They've never fake, okay, the kids are gone. Like, what do we value now?

Yeah, and your vision when you were 17 together is different than your vision vision now.

It's completely different because of the trials we've been through, the trauma we've been through, the triumphs we've experienced, as well as the, the, the world we live in, right? I mean, the world we live in now compared to when we were 18, 19 is completely different. And so I would just encourage people, like, yeah, like, get a vision and values. I love that. That's a beautiful ad. A vision and values Retreat or some time and just really realign. and when you add the faith component into that and you add the family component into that, it changes the focus. Faith, family, focus. When you get that together, bro, it then gives you motivation to why you go to work.

Wow.

It gives you, it gives you a why. And too many people I'm finding, especially out of the pandemic, they've lost their why. Why am I doing this? Like, why is this important? And that's why I again in this book, tried to help people realize, like, this may be a pain point. This may have been a hit you didn't see coming. I say this all the time. There's no hit like the one you don't see coming. Like, that's when you, like, get the haymaker and you get weak in the knee. And I think relationally, as well as personally, a lot of people have had some hits in the last five to 10 years. I didn't know this was gonna happen.

Health, relationships, career, money.

Well, I didn't know. There was no way everything was bright and sunny and then it was just a storm. And that shit has caused trauma that has made people not get back up. Right. But I believe that all of those things, if you would just get some of the right tools, and that's what I try to provide you with in this book, some right tools, you could actually turn all that trauma into your greatest triumph ever.

So when did you start preaching? Was it 10, 15 years ago?

Yeah, bro. I don't even know it was an accident. It was like something over 10 years.

Yeah, it's been over 10 years.

About 15.

Call it 15 years. And you've been married almost 15 years.

Yeah.

And you have seen a rise of service, of opportunity, of abundance to yourself, of transformation, of healing, all these different things. You got four beautiful kids. Four beautiful kids, right?

Four beautiful kids.

You got all these different blessings that have come to your life and you've been able to bless countless people in your community and globally, some that you know, some that you'll never meet. And you've done a lot of this in the last 15 years. And you have a lot of mentors that you reach out to that give you wisdom, that give you counsel. But if you had to go 15 years into the future to your future self 15 years from now. And be the mentor to you today.

Yeah.

What would be that counsel you would say after all the things you're about to go through in the next 15 years? After all the ups and downs, the beauty, the joy, the impact, the service, if you could imagine time suspended and you're creating and developing, all these things are happening and you're now 40, I don't know, you're in your almost 50 at that point, 52 or something. What advice would you give yourself today?

Yeah. Authenticity is your superpower. Be real and admit when you're wrong. If you enjoy the journey, people will enjoy it with you. History will be on your side. I heard the quote that said that people overestimate what they can do in one year. and underestimate what they can do in 10. I've really adopted that because our, our world right now is so what's in the news media today? What do you do today? What do you do today? But like 10 years, how many times have people risen and fallen? How many times has the market went up or come down? How many times have people made tons of money and lost money? Like how many like, but if you just stay consistent, be disciplined, enjoy the journey, be authentic, I never have to walk into any room and be something. I'm me. And I see a lot of my friends and a lot of people around me and they gotta get ready, they gotta put on to do something and I, that must be exhausting. But if you could be authentic and enjoy the journey, people will enjoy it with you. Yeah. You'll find the people who enjoy it. history will be on your side. Like if you do everything that adds value to people and you actually are valuing who you are too, it just creates a life that is actually admirable and a life that I believe that more people really want to live. They're searching for it everywhere. They're searching for it in the bottle. They're searching for it in pills. They're searching for it in porn. They're searching for it in success. And I know, 'cause I've looked in all those places. But the only place I found it is in a relationship with the Creator and in a relationship with myself. Like that's where everything started coming together. And when that stuff started to come together, everybody around me is blessed by default.

Wow.

Like being a service to the world, you only can be service to the world when you have first become a service to yourself. and now everybody, everything around me, every time a tree is planted with fruit, that fruit's coming off and it's gonna nourish everybody. But if that seed is jacked up, it never gets the opportunity to grow and produce the fruit. Right. And so, yeah, I think that's what I would just, I would tell myself or anybody else if I was the mentor.

Yeah. Speaking of service and purpose, you live a life of service.

Yes, sir.

And we have a mutual friend in common that you have been in service to, even though, you know, it wasn't a popular decision for you to do so.

Yeah.

Or people didn't want you to support and help out or whatever when they were on the fall or when they were struggling or when they were, you know, in a, in a, in a bad light.

Yeah.

Why make decisions to help or be of service to people or lean on people and let them lean on you? when maybe others don't think that's the right move or it's not good image or they don't like that decision. Why make those decisions when it could hurt your business, people could leave your church, people could say nasty things about you. Why try to lift someone up when maybe they've done something justifiably that's caused other people to be upset? Why lean on support and lifting others up when they're in a bad place in society. Yeah.

So I'm gonna go ahead and show my whole faith card right now, because this who I am, I believe for me, number one, the Bible says, do unto others as you would want them to do unto you. So for me, if I was in a bad spot, if I had messed up after helping all these people in the name of God and. declaring Jesus and being with Christian and all this other stuff. And I still am human and I messed up. I would pray that somebody who says that they love God and God is love, I pray that somebody that represents him would come and help me. And for me, doing unto others as I would want them to do to me, I feel like is a seed and a testimony of what what I call the grace of God. Like, I'm a jacked up person, Louis. Like, I've written some cool books, and I've made it through 14 years of marriage, but I was addicted to pornography. I was a liar. I was a manipulator. I had been arrested for car insurance fraud. I had all this other stuff. Like, I know what's in me without God, without the transformation that has happened through my relationship and my faith. and so when I see people down and out, when I see people hurting, when I see people broken, especially people who carried a heavy weight in the faith Community, like, I just feel like it is my responsibility as a brother or a sister to reach out.

Yeah.

And to just help. There's a story in the Bible with the Good Samaritan. People have heard it, even if you're not a Christian or anything like that. this man's beat up and jacked up on the road, and the priest passes it, and then the person who leads the worship passes them. And it's just this Samaritan that comes in. Usually they don't even communicate with each other, but they takes them to the end and says, hey, clean this dude up. Put it on my tab. I'll be back tomorrow. I'll take care of everything. And Jesus is telling this story, and it was like, which. Who's more like me? The guy who represents me and is in the church, the person who sings to me, or the person that was just on the street that said, I'll take care of it. There's nothing they can do for me, but I'll take care of it. That's who I want to be. Right? I don't. You don't gotta know my name. You don't gotta know all that. I just want to actually be of service. We've said it several times. Be a value. and help people because one life can turn into millions of people's lives being changed. And so for me, man, I had to get rid of that people pleasing to even do that though.

Gosh, it's so hard.

Do you understand what I'm saying? Because like, if you stand by somebody who people don't want you to stand.

By, they're not gonna like you.

They're not gonna like you. And for me, people cannot like me as long as I know I'm in right standing with God.

That's beautiful.

And so for me, I've gotten used to, like, actually, I say this all the time is a lot of people hear the message of the Bible or, or, or, and they hear, they hear it, but they don't live out the method of the Bible. And for me, I want to live it out. I want to actually be loved to people. I want to show love. I want people. I tell people at our church all the time, you can belong before you believe, like, you don't gotta believe, like, let's just be friends. Let's have relationships. Maybe something you'll hear, you'll be like, I can use that. And then I'll take it a step further. You can be long before you behave.

Right?

Okay, you still going to the club and having sex with everybody? All right, cool. But at least maybe you're hearing something that could potentially encourage you to do something different.

Right?

And for me, I know it's not popular opinion, but that's what I needed.

Wow.

I needed somebody to be that real, that authentic and that accepting. And I believe that the message of Jesus Christ is actually that sometimes we've just had bad representatives. Sure, sure. And so I'm just trying to represent.

Yeah, my man, we're talking about damage but not destroyed from trauma to Triumph. Make sure you guys get a copy or two and give it to a friend. This will inspire you. Lots of great stories, lessons, tools and takeaways. So make sure you guys get a few of these copies. We can get it at your website. We can get it everywhere on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and people can follow you on social media. You are IAmMikeTodd.com and also IAmMikeTodd.com will have the links up for this as well where people can get it. If they follow you anywhere, they'll see this out there. Couple final questions for you, man. This has been really powerful.

This has been amazing.

Thanks for coming on. It's been really cool.

This is every time, though.

Yeah. Next time, it would just be just as good, man.

Let's go.

I asked you this question last time, the last couple questions I have. I asked you this last time. I'm curious if it's changed. It's called the three truths. So imagine, hypothetically, it's your last day on Earth. You get to live as long as you want to live.

Okay.

You get to create and generate and serve the way you want to. But for whatever reason, on this last day, you've got to take all of your content with you. Books, conversations, they're all gone to the next place.

Yeah.

And you got to turn the lights off in this world. But before you leave, you get to leave behind three lessons. And this is all we would have of your content are these three truths.

Yep.

What would be those three truths for you?

Number one, God is love. The second message would be you're valuable. And the third would be, let your family be your greatest achievement. Because I would be gone, but they'd still be here. And if you take all my content away, it would live through them.

I just got a chill just thinking about that.

This book I dedicated to my grandchildren.

Oh, that's beautiful.

I have no grandchildren yet. My oldest is 10 years old, but it was said a good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children. And so the inheritance I want to leave is not just physical things. I'm going to leave them that, but I want to leave them emotional health and spiritual health. And I believe this book, the content, the value, it's showing up in my daughters and my son and then their kids and my family will be my greatest success story.

Wow.

And that keeps living on.

Absolutely. That is beautiful, man.

Can I share something about the back cover real quick?

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay, so if you look at this back cover real quick, And I wrote this. This is the one the publisher wanted me to have. They wanted me to smile. Okay. But this is my cover right here. And we did a double cover. This is three generations of Todd, man.

Of you?

Of my whole family. Every man in my family. Oh, wow. This is my dad's cheek. These are my brothers. This is me. This is my eye, and this is my son's eye.

Oh, my gosh.

But it still looks like me.

That's great.

But it's every man that is close to me. And this is to paint the picture that if you don't deal with your damage, you affect every person you love.

Wow.

And this is what I said in the book. What's not transformed is transferred. So if I don't deal with what I'm seeing in my eye, it goes to what my son sees in his eye. Wow. And so this is like the most powerful creative picture shout out. to my little brother Grayson and my god brother John who came up with this concept. But this is why you need to deal with your stuff because the people you say you love the most will experience the most effect if you don't. And if you can't figure it out for yourself, at least do it for the people you love.

Dude, this is amazing, man. I'm so excited for this. I want people to get a copy damaged but not destroyed. That's really cool. Concept right there. Before I ask the final question, Michael, I want to acknowledge you, man, for doing things that are of service not to impress people, doing things that are on purpose not to people please, and. And doing things your way, which is an alignment to a higher power for you.

Yeah.

Not because you're trying to keep up with everyone else. Oh, So I really acknowledge you for that, man. Thank you. I've heard, you know, great things about you from other people. I loved our interactions. I love the conversations we've got to have, and I hope we have many more to come.

We'll have more, brother, on and off the show. But you're about to get married, brother. So I got a lot of wisdom that I'm going to be reaching out.

To you and say, Tell me all of it, bro.

Hit me up.

Final question for you, and this is an interesting one because we all have a different definition of it. What is your definition of greatness?

Oh my goodness, I'm on the school of greatness. My definition of greatness, if you would have asked me this a year and a half ago, two years ago, it would have been different. Because that's all I could accept. I'm fine with people being great, but it cannot be the only thing that's acceptable. So for me, my definition of greatness has changed to Greatness is being good at what you know your purpose to be. Like if you're good at what you know your purpose to be and good at what your purpose to do, you're great. And a lot of people want to be great at everything, but now I just feel like good is okay at what? Let me say it like this. Good is okay at the right thing. And if you're good at the right thing, you're great. Nobody can change anything. that's the truth.

Like if there's a truth in life.

Is that humans are unpredictable and when a woman is trying to change her man, she's trying to feel safe.

She's trying to create a man that won't hurt her.

That in a man that will look at other women.