A survivor of narcissistic abuse explains why she hasn't forgiven her abusers and doesn't believe she needs to. She argues that forgiveness isn't required for healing and that refusing to forgive can actually protect you from further harm.
I'll be frank with you, Lewis. I've had, I have a, probably I can think of half a dozen people, narcissistic people in my life. I am now no contact with some, I still have contact with. I don't forgive them. I will never forgive them.
Really?
Never.
Even if you never speak to them again?
I don't speak to them again. I will never forgive them. What they did to me, because it changed my view on myself. I spent years crawling out from under that rubble. I still doubt myself. I still don't feel safe in the world. They took away my safety. How the hell do you forgive that? I don't. And I sleep fine at night.
I guess as long as you feel at peace.
Right, I feel totally at peace.
Well, that's good to hear.
Because what bothers me is I know they're out there doing this to other people.
Yeah. How do you forgive that? That's frustrating. That's frustrating. I guess the thing would be, how do we find peace even if we don't forgive someone?
I think that people who don't forgive definitely feel peace. Okay. I think people who don't feel peace are the people who forgive and keep getting harmed. Oh, that's good. Are the people who forgive and weren't ready to forgive. Healing from narcissistic abuse is individuating, becoming autonomous, and ultimately rising into your authentic self. That's what it is. And your authentic self may not forgive, and that's okay.
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