Why You FEEL LOST In Life & How To Find Your TRUE SELF AGAIN | Marisa Peer & Lewis Howes

So the way you talk to yourself, the way you dialogue with you is the big key to self-love. The problem is the mind is like a missile. It wants to go there, but it keeps going there if it doesn't really know what you want. I want love, but it would kill me to be rejected. I want success, but am I really going to give up all the things I love?

I think you gotta have a dream.

The School of Greatness.

Really? Yeah. Please welcome Lewis Howes. We talked about this before on the show about the stigmas lies we tell ourselves and the stories we tell ourselves. And a lot of us tell ourselves really bad lies. And you said we need to start telling ourselves better lies. I'm curious, why do we need to do that? And how can that help us start manifesting things in a different way in our lives?

Well, you know, our greatest pain is from the lies we tell ourselves. If you said to someone you're breaking up with, I don't love you anymore, you're boring, or you're not sexy, or I found someone else that's very hurtful. But we can go, I think I got an agenda. We can almost account, my boss said I was terrible, but he's having a bad day. But the lies we tell ourselves, the mind doesn't go, you're having a bad day. You have an agenda, it believes they must be true. And the simplicity is if you are prepared to lie to yourself, which you clearly are when you go the size of a house, If I look at a cake, I gain a pound. My kid is making me want to jump out of a window. This freeway would be the death of me. See, none of those things are true. I could eat a horse. We know that can't possibly be true. But if you're prepared to lie to yourself, why not tell yourself a better lie? Because your mind doesn't know and it really doesn't care if what you tell it is good or bad, true or false. So a simple thing, I got a memory like a sieve. I have an excellent memory. I'm falling apart. I got great coping skills. If I look at a cake, I gain weight. I have a phenomenal metabolic rate. You see, every thought you think you make real. And if you doubt that, think of this. If you think of something embarrassing, you will blush. If you think of something sad, your eyes will fill up with tears. If you think of food, your stomach rumbles. Think of something sexy, you can get physically aroused. Whatever thought you are thinking, your body is very busy making it real. And if you tell yourself a better lie, your body will work very hard to make that thought real.

Yeah, it's like I can imagine I'm having a pumpkin pie right now. I can imagine the smell of pumpkin, the taste, and I'll start to salivate. My body will start to salivate. thinking there's a pumpkin pie in front of me. Of course. Imagining chewing into the crust of the pumpkin pie, the sweetness, and I'll start to feel it in my body. Although there's a lie. There's nothing in front of me right now. Just like there could be, you know, my girlfriend could walk in front of me, but she's not in front of me.

And I can feel something, I can imagine and think about it. Yeah, that's why when you read letters, you get tears in your eyes. You look at pictures, you go, oh, I'm remembering that. So, every thought you think causes both the physical reaction and an emotional response. So if you think better thoughts, you have to get better emotional reactions and better responses.

What about memories then? What if we have memories that were real in our lives that was like, okay, I used to be overweight or someone did dump me and there was this pain, there was this thing. How do we tell ourselves a better lie or story around memories of the past so they don't keep hurting us today.

Well, you know, that's a great question because an event will affect you. You know what really affects you about an event? The meaning you attach to it. Yeah. So I could say I wasn't the favorite kid. My sister was the favorite. My brother was a smart kid. My sister was a pretty kid. And I felt like this thing in the middle, this kind of. thing.

Right.

And I can go back and go, I was in the middle of something. Yeah, so what does that mean? It means what I've decided to make it mean. I've decided I'm really glad because it gave me, I'll show you. You want to write me off, I'll show you. So we can all look back at our past and go, I should have been a girl, should have been a boy, should have been academic. My parents wanted that. But you know, don't make someone else's story your story. My mother's story, I should have been someone else's baby, was always her story. It traumatized her entire life, but it wasn't my story. It was her story. And when people say, My mother said, oh, you can't trust your own shadow. Don't trust men. Don't trust people. It's very important to go, well, that's your story. You wanted a boy and I was the third girl. You wanted a girl and I was the fourth boy. But it's insane, but that's your story. My story is I'm meant to be here. I'm meant to be me. I got something to offer the world, even if I don't know what it is. So the significance of an event is linked to what you make of it. I was given up for adoption. That means I wasn't loved. But it could mean my parents loved me so much they sacrificed the joy of having me to let someone else raise me. They give me a better life. It's always the meaning that you attach to an event. And the very good news is, you know what? You can change the meaning like that anytime you like.

So even if we've held on to a meaning for 20, 30 years about something, it's still possible to change it later in life?

Yeah. And when you go back and meet these people, they go, oh, no, I didn't mean that. I always told you you were rubbish because I thought it would make you smarter. I always told you you were stupid because I hoped it would make you intelligent. I told you I didn't love you because I felt inadequate. The amount of fathers I meet, I never see my kids because I'm useless. I would just damage them. I thought the best thing I could do was to remove myself from their life so their mom would find a better dad. And they really have no concept of how that damages the child. They say the best thing I could do was be away from you. I was a crazy alcoholic. didn't want to pass that on. So I left you to benefit you. But the child doesn't hear. The child thinks you left me because I wasn't worth being with. That's the problem. The minute a child feels abandoned, they never blame the abandoner. My dad left because he's crazy, because he's a drunk.

They blame themselves.

A child never stops loving them. They immediately stop loving themselves. And that's why you're going back and go, okay, so I've been telling myself a lie. My dad left. because he didn't love me. My mom brought different boyfriends home every six months because I didn't make her happy. And then you go back and go, oh, but that's not true. My mother loved me very much, but she couldn't cope. She gave me to my grandmother because she thought I'd be better off. So when you go back and revisit the lie and update it, you realize, oh, so What's true is what I decide to be true. Some guy dumped me. You know, I worked with somebody recently who said that her first experience of her first boyfriend was him saying to her, you,'re rubbish in bed. And the second boyfriend dumped her because he came from a different country and she could speak his language. He couldn't speak hers. And he later told her, I felt so stupid in front of you. So I said, you, were not saying, don't ever call me again. and those two men traumatized her so much that she couldn't have a relationship with her husband who loved her. But then she went back and said, well, the first guy was an idiot because, by the way, his job was to seduce me. And he did a terrible job. But the second one felt so inadequate around me. You know, I've worked with supermodels who say, Men put me down. They're so intimidated by my looks. They go, well, you're not very bright. You've got enormous feet. you know, you're not all that. And they let it in. And I worked with a famous model who said, Every man I'm with, they start to diminish me because they're intimidated by me. So they start to pick holes in me and I let them. And it's so important to go back and look at the past and change it. You can change it at any time.

Why do we think we let other people and ourselves speak so negatively to us. We allow other people's words to come in and then we reaffirm those words to ourselves internally. Why do you think we do that so often?

You know it very much depends on what happens in your childhood. Here's the thing about the mind and it's really vexing. Your mind is hardwired to go back to what it knows. It always wants to return to what's familiar.

Familiar.

While resisting what is unknown. If you grew up in a house with a lot of praise and parents you say, you know, You're a great kid, you've got something to offer the world, you're gonna find someone who adores you because you've got so much to offer, you will expect that. Unfortunately, that isn't the norm. The norm is criticism. And if criticism is familiar, not only do we reject praise, we actually begin to criticize ourselves. We pick up what we know. You know, if you brought up in a house with fast food and vegetables, you don't go, hey, I need vegetables. The mind will always go back to what it recognizes because that's what once kept kept us alive. What we know, like if you have a two-year-old kid, they go, I don't want either. It's got lumps in it. It's the wrong color. I only like pink yogurt in a blue bowl. But what they're really saying is, I don't know that yogurt with lumps in it. And my brain wants what I know because it keeps us alive. And that's a fact. The mind likes what's familiar. But here's another fact. You can make anything you like familiar. And one of the biggest things to change your life is to make praise familiar. And it can be very simple praise. I'm a good person. I've got a good heart. I think good thoughts. You know, I find that one of the most powerful things to do in therapy, and it teaches that a lot in the book, is to think of the words you've always wanted to hear and to start saying them yourself.

So the words you've always wanted to hear from your parents.

Yeah, from anybody. So you could say, okay, if I had a great partner, what would they say? say to me? If I had great parents, what would they say? If I had a great boss or amazing friends, and it's not really rocket science, what would a great parent say? They'd go, you,'re a great kid. Gosh, how lucky am I to be your parent? What a joy it is to raise you. And many parents don't. What would a great friend say? I love being your friend. If there's a template for a great friend, you would be it. What would a great partner say? You're the one. I just love your voice. I love everything about you're so smart. What would a great boss say? You are indispensable to this company. So what we do is you go, well, I haven't got that. So we either give it up. No one's ever going to give me those words. I'm going to accept. I'll never hear them. And we say things, I never ask for anything, me. Well, what do you then get? Nothing. But I never ask for anything. So I don't expect anything. I'm in my apartment with my pets. I don't ask for anything. So we Give the need up or we give it away. I've got to find someone out there to tell me these things. And that works until there's someone out there that gets sick or ill or has their own issues or they move on. But when you decide, hey, I can do that. I can think of what I most want to hear. Say it myself, it may sound silly, but it's no sillier than saying, I'm an idiot. I've got rocks for brains. everything I touch falls apart. That's also silly and deeply harmful. So if you decide what you most want to hear and start to go, I matter. I'm here for a reason. I'm a good person. I'm lovable. I'm someone's fantasy dream country because you are. Someone in the world will look at you and go, oh my God, you're my fantasy dream country. Not everybody but someone. Someone go, you know your problem? That kid keeping you up all night, the partner leaving their dirty pants on the floor. I love that problem. So silly as it sounds.

So interesting you say that because my girlfriend, the more we date, I'll bring stuff up and I'll say, we might have a sensitive conversation. And I'll say, I'm about to tell you something you're not gonna like. Because I'm used to in the past saying things that has this, terrible reaction in relationships or someone can't handle the truth about who I am or things I do or whatever. So I set it up with her, I go, I'm about to say something you're really not gonna like. And yeah, so I'm just letting you know you're not gonna like this, but I'm gonna be true and authentic to me and not walk on eggshells and not be afraid to communicate who I am. And I'll say the thing and she goes, that's it. She goes, I thought it was giving me something horrible, but I love that thing about you.

Isn't that nice?

And you're like, Really?

Yeah.

So, there's always someone who likes that thing about you.

Yeah. There's someone who loves your little, little fatty tummy, who loves your triple thigh. I remember one of my friends saying, I saw my wife and he said, Her thighs are rubbing together. It's the sexiest thing I've ever seen. He said, In my life, he said, I was walking behind her in and I had to get no because he said that was just so sexy. You think really? I thought we wanted a thigh gap that we're all different. But it really helps to think that you've got something to offer somebody. But the minute you start to say I matter or I'm a good person, I'm smart, I can contribute something amazing to my company. If you keep saying it, you see when you give it up, you accept it's never going to happen. And that's such a shame because it could. but when you give it away, you've given someone else the job of meeting your needs. When you say, hey, what do I need? I need to feel loved. So silly as it sounds, going, well, I am lovable. Someone's going to love me. I've got all the qualities that somebody will find deeply lovable. When you say it, it makes such an impact on your sense of self that people do pick that up. You know, we all know that Annoying thing you can't find a date and then suddenly you find someone and then you get hit on. You think, wow, well how did that happen? Because you're now resonating the feet. When someone says, I rang just to hear your voice. I just look at your picture. I call your phone just to listen to your message. You think, oh, someone loves me, I must be lovable. But if you can put that into yourself, it lasts forever.

How do we put that in ourselves when we've never been familiar with those thoughts and that routine of loving ourselves?

One of the things I put in the book, which was so important, was something called installing your own cheerleader. You see, a cheerleader only knows how to bang cymbals. Even when you're losing, when a team loses their cheerleaders and go, oh, you were rubbish. Oh my God, you stank up there. They say, Hey, you tried really hard and you were amazing. And you'll win next time. You know, we just did something in England where we put this into schools. We had 500 schools sign up, and each class actually created the cheerleader. They said, we actually made little toys of the cheerleader they designed. And we were showing them how to go from I can't to I can in just five days by having a cheerleader that says, you,'ve got this. Your name is all over this. No one can do this better than you. And so the cheerleader is your voice saying, you, can do this. And you know what? It doesn't matter if you win, it matters that you loved competing. You did great, you did amazing. And the cheerleader will cheer you on academically, but it cheer leads who you are. And we have a critical voice going, oh, you're going to mess that up. That's never going to work. Why would you even think that could happen? No one from our family has ever had their own business. You haven't got anything to offer here. And the cheerleader flips on its head and says, you, can do it. You can do it. And we've had such a great response from those 500 schools who said that bullying stopped, children are getting better. They're getting better with each other, too. And so we should all have a cheerleader. So it's very important I put the download in that book where all you have to do is download it and play it. and it makes you feel good because you know when you're a kid at school and you're running a race and someone is cheering you on, you can do it, you've got this, it may be your friend, it may be a parent, when you're going for a job and your friends go, hey, I know you can do this, but when you can say it, you don't think, who can I call now to be my cheerleader? Being your own cheerleader is amazing because if you look at people who make it, Someone like Tony Robbins, they definitely have a teacher going, Hey, you can do this. Going for a big interview, well, you can do it thinking a big thought. They go, well, why not? Of course I can do it.

There's gonna be a lot of people that are gonna criticize you externally. A lot of people aren't gonna be your cheerleader. Hopefully some will, and hopefully at different times of life, people will be cheering you on. But there will be definitely seasons where people will criticize and try to pull you down in negative ways. Whether it's negative reviews online or to your face or if you're an athlete, you go into the opposing arena, they're all booing you, you've got to have some type of cheerleader in your mind in order to take that on.

Yeah, because the most important word you will ever hear in your entire life are the words you say to yourself. And when you have a cheerleader, you understand the truth. There is nothing that will change your life more than letting in praise but not letting in destructive criticism. Constructive criticism is okay. Hey, I just want to tell you, you're always late and if only you could be here on time, it would make our life so much better. You could say to your partner, look, I love you dearly, but every time I come downstairs and there's like coffee all over the counter and could you just rinse out the sink? That's okay. But if you can get into the habit of letting in your own praise and other people's while deflecting criticism. It's such a game changer. In my years of being a therapist, I've seen over and over and I just get people to let in praise and not let in criticism. It changes their entire life.

Why is it challenging for people to let in praise and to receive it? Especially in today, I feel like when someone acknowledges someone else, they kind of deflect it.

They say, well, you know, I'm not sure. Yeah. No, no, no.

I wasn't that good. Why is it so challenging for us to receive acknowledgement and praise and do it in a humble way and not a I know I'm the best and look the best and the prettiest and you know in the world type of way?

You know it isn't normal. If you say to a little kid, you look so cute, they smile and they and if you say to a little child, wow you're a smart kid, they don't go, no I'm actually really stupid. You should see the other kids in my class, they're way better than me. They let it in. We teach people that it's not okay. Don't get ahead of yourself. Don't be big-headed. Don't show off. Who do you think you are? People won't like you if you're better than them. Don't ever tell anyone what you've got. And so we learn, oh, it's not okay. And if we get criticized a lot, it becomes so familiar that we actually let that in. And the praise is so unfamiliar that we reject it. So we find ourselves saying, oh, I wasn't really any good. I just was winging it. It's like even in that Spanish expression, nanada, don't mention it. I go, no, you should really mention it. When you do a great job and people say, well done, you should go, thank you so much. I'm so glad you love my book. I love writing it. I wrote it for someone like you. Don't go, oh, it's terrible. Didn't you notice all the spelling mistakes? And it's not formatted very well. It's like if someone gave you a gift and you go, oh, I hate that gift. If I gave you that cup as a gift, you go, I hate it. It's a horrible color. I don't like the writing. So see praise as a gift that you wouldn't go, I hate this gift. Why did you think I'd even like it? And just learn to say thank you. I've had so many clients just getting them to accept praise and saying, look, you can make it familiar. In fact, I was teaching a course in London and this girl came up and She was very sad. And so we did a session and it was really interesting what had happened to her. And at the end I said, you know, I'm gonna get the whole audience to come up and give you a hug. She went, oh no, no, that's very hard. I said, you know, it's not hard, it's unfamiliar, but you can make it familiar. Halfway through she said, Marissa, the cameraman's not in the line. I said, get in line. He was very good looking. I said, you see how quickly you made that familiar? Being praised, being held, Believing you are worthy of love, you have a choice. You know, you always have a choice rationalize why you can't have it or talk yourself into having it and always make the second choice. I can make this. When I dated my husband, I had a choice. I'm gonna make a different kind of person familiar. Because I knew he was such a good person and a kind person and a funny person.

And what were you familiar with before that?

Well, you know, I was very, I was a head teacher's daughter. You might call it a principal's daughter. So my dad was very interested in other people's children. He was paid to be interested in other people's children. He would give them all his time. He was at a hanky ready. He was a really good guy, but he wasn't really interested in us because it was much harder work with us. And so my thing was you've got to work really hard to get someone's attention. And that's very common with people. I've got to earn love. chase love, work so hard for love. And that's not true. Love isn't to be earned or chased or run after or paid for. It's just there. So I had to give up that belief that I gotta earn love. So of course I liked men who made me work. They always had jobs or existing families and some terrible breakup and traumatized children. And because of that, I couldn't possibly at the top of the list. You can't expect a father with three little babies to put you first. But then I realized, oh, this I'm just making. And then actually it was when I was dating someone who said to me, I won't allow you to eat that. I'm like, when did you become a head teacher? And that was a penny drop. Wow, my dad is a teacher. Who am I with this person? I can't eat. And I stopped dating him overnight. It was very confusing for him, but not for me because I thought, oh, I'm dating my dad. and of course I could never have sex in the game when I had that realization because it's like, wow, that's not very healthy. But I was so glad he did that, told me what I couldn't eat. And he wasn't trying to control me. He said, we're going out for dinner. He said, you don't need to eat that. We're going out in two hours to this big, he was a big foodie. I won't allow it. And that was for me the penny drop.

Oh, I won't allow it.

Dating people like my dad and trying to make give me all their attention and life is way too short to find someone like your parent and change the ending. You've got to find the person who change the beginning. So I realized what I was doing is recreating what I knew, someone absent, very preoccupied with their career. And I was trying to change the ending. And when I got that realization, I thought, well, I just changed the beginning. I find someone warm and available who put me first. It doesn't happen like that. You have to pay attention to the old habit of going back to what you know. So I could say, if I was a woman who had a cold, absent, critical father, I'm in a bar mitzvah, a cold, absent, critical group, I think, oh, just clicked like that. I felt like I'd known them my whole life. It's because their behavior is so familiar. You want to run towards it when really you need to run away from it and go cold, absent, critical. How about warm, kind, friendly, loving, putting you first, decide. And it's a choice. I'm going to make that familiar a good guy, a kind guy, someone who will put me first. And once you make the decision and you remind yourself of it, it becomes familiar because while our mind likes what is familiar, that is a fact. We can choose what to make familiar and indeed choose to go, well, no. So when people say he was too good for me, what they're really saying is his behavior was so unfamiliar, I didn't recognize it. I ran back to what I knew. But you have to run away from what you know. It's also like saying, well, this is comfortable. Why don't I make it uncomfortable? And I make what's uncomfortable comfortable by sitting with it until it's familiar.

It's familiar. I want to get to that more a little later about the relationship stuff because I have a lot to share on that, things I've learned this year. But I'm curious on the thoughts and the lies and manifesting. I'm curious if you think we're able to manifest anything we want, a good relationship, the career, our new business or financial abundance, if we are stuck in a negative thought routine. Is it possible to manifest and accomplish what we want in a negative thought routine.

No, you can't manifest when you are negative. I want money, but when you have money, you never know who your friends are. I want to be really sexy, but I don't want all that unwanted attention. I want a great job, but I'll never see my kids. I'll be a terrible parent. The mind is going to get into one lane. Here's one lane that says, I want to be a great parent. But another one is I want to have a great career and I can't go into both lanes. Well, but after you can put that lane on. I could have a great career and be a great parent. It takes work, it takes balance, but it's very, very possible. The problem is the mind is like a missile. It wants to go there, but it keeps going there. If it doesn't really know what you want, I want love, but it would kill me to be rejected. I want success, but am I really going to give up all the things I love to be successful? So you've got to really identify what you want to manifest. Anything you have to want it. And I think people have got very confused. They sit on the chair and manifest a great guy, but unless that's the Amazon delivery guy, that's just not going to work. I want a great body, but I I'm not going to do anything. So to be a manifestor, you have to do three things and you have to do all three. The first is the easy one or maybe not easy. You have to decide you are worth it. I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of a phenomenal relationship. I'm worthy of success. Even I'm worthy of wealth or health. I'm worth it. And that probably is at least 80% of manifesting and many people manifest with a thought not really worthy.

Really?

I'm gonna be, I'm gonna find love, but they're gonna leave me. I'm gonna find wealth, but I don't know how I'm gonna keep it. I'm gonna have a great job, but it's gonna kill me working those hours. So your first thought must be, I'm worth it. But then there's a second part, which is, what does it look like? And maybe so I'm gonna be a millionaire for what? I don't know. I'm gonna be, I want a great person. What are they like? I don't know. They got a nice six-pack and drive a nice car. So the second part is you must really know what does it look like. If you don't know what it looks like, how are you going to go after it? The mind will go after something it is clear about. So you might say, I want a really flat stomach. What does that look like? It looks like not eating so many carbs, not eating late at night, going to the gym. If you know what it looks like, and you believe you're worth it, you'll have it. But then the third part is, after you've decided you're worth it and you know what it looks like, what are you going to do? Because if you really want a six-pack you might have to do 300 sit-ups a day and if you're not prepared to do that, you don't want it enough. So I could say, I wanted to write a book. Did I feel I was worth it? Yeah, I had to work on myself. I got a message. I think I can, people tell me I really help them. They tell me I changed their lives. So I'm worth putting that in a book. What does it look like? Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to, what is this book? What's it gonna be about? What's the story like? What am I gonna call it? Who is my audience? Am I gonna write what I wanna write or what people want to hear? So I had to know who is my market. And then here's the third part. I gotta sit down and write that book. And it takes a long time to write a book. and when you've written it, it takes even longer, as you know, to do all the press, all the pieces for magazines. So you can't have one of the two or two of the two. And let's say I want love. I've got to believe I'm really worthy of love. I've got to really nail in. I am worthy of love. I deserve to love someone who loves me back. What does that look like? I. I better get a clear. idea of the kind of person I want in my life. And then when I look at, where am I going to find it? I'm not going to find it watching Netflix. And a lot of people say, yeah, I go to yoga, but there's no men in yoga. I go to women's reading groups. Where's the guy? You know, you have to go to the weight room. Right. And the same thing with guys. You know, you're not going to find someone in a bar, but you might find them dog walking. You might find them in an IT class. So you have to be very clear about I'm worth it, I know what it looks like, and what am I going to do to get it? Because I think so many people think manifesting is thinking about what you want and sitting on the couch and it's going to turn up, but you have to get out of the house. If you believe you are lovable and know the kind of person you want and put yourself in front of them, you'll probably go home with them for good, but you can't just do one of the two, two of the two. You've got to do all three. Yeah.

And one of the things I love to do with the action steps, it can seem like if you're trying to lose 50 or 100 pounds, it can seem like, man, I have to work this hard for a year in order to accomplish this. And you just did a hard workout for the first week and you're exhausted.

Yeah.

I don't know how I'm gonna be.

Able to do this. Sure.

I think if you just really think, I just have to do this one day.

Yeah.

I just got to show up today and I'm gonna do this seven days in a row and celebrate the week and then do another week. And over time, that's gonna really start paying off. What do you think about, I love the idea of deciding you're worth it and having what you're worth having what you want and that you're worthy of what you want. If you haven't learned to heal whatever is a past trauma in your life, are you gonna be able to fully manifest without healing as well? Or is deciding you're worth it, start the healing process?

See, if you think you're not worth it, you'll get rid of it. I mean, I've worked, you probably know that 70% of lottery winners are bankrupt in three years. Why? Because they don't feel they're worth it. They didn't work for it. They didn't have, I'm worth this money. What does it look like to have all this money? What could I do with it that's so good? They just think, wow, I've got all this money. And what's familiar, if you just have a job that doesn't pay a lot, is spending the money until it runs out and then next week you get more. And so if you don't feel you're worth it, self-sabotage, procrastination, and nothing more than a fear of not being enough. And so you stop yourself getting there. So if you believe you're not worth it and you find love, you find money, you find wealth, you'll get rid of it. And we see that with Amy Winehouse, with Whitney Houston, and we see it over and over again. We saw it with George Michael. I always think of him every Christmas because he had so much except the belief I'm worth it. And so if you don't do step one first, which is just decide every day, I'm worth love. I deserve love. I'm worthy of love. Because after all, how could you not be worthy of love? Everyone is worthy of love. So if you don't do that bit and you just do the other two, what does it look like? I'll go and get it.

It's never gonna feel enough.

But you'll get rid of it. And we see people all the time who say, I don't know what's wrong with me. I remember Sandra Bullock's husband saying, what did I do? I had this beautiful girl and I messed it up. Well, of course you messed it up because you never felt you were worthy of it in the first place. So everything else you're going to do to get what you want, if you don't do the first step first wire in that you're worthy, you'll spend a lot of time getting rid of it, ruining it, destroying it, acting out, sabotaging yourself.

Are we able to believe we're worthy if we haven't started to heal though? Is it, you know, can we just say, okay, I'm worthy even though my parents abandoned me and I've, you know, lost every relationship I've been in, you know, how do we bridge the gap from starting to tell ourselves a better lie knowing we're worthy and healing.

You know, that's such a great question because you have, and often in the book, I invite you to go back to imagine any little baby that's just been born. They never go, don't look at me. I've got milk spots. I've got these triple thighs. I've got a huge tummy. Haven't got any clothes on. You know, when I had a baby and I take her out in the stroller, we would come and look at her and she'd smile, her big gummy smile, and kick her little legs with her triple knees and it never heard her that she wasn't the most gorgeous thing in the world. You know, when you got, I remember that picture of you with your cat. You just got it. It was on your chest going, oh, Lewis, you just want to love me. Yeah. Because I'm lovable. So the good news is every person is born believing they're lovable. We know we're lovable as a child because we demand attention, we demand feeding. You know, you can take in a random pet, but it will come up and wrap its legs around you when it wants to be fed. It doesn't run behind the fridge and never comes out because it believes it's worthy. So the good news is you are born certain that you are lovable, convinced you're lovable. And then it gets chipped away and then you begin to buy, I'm not worthy. I don't have a great education. I don't have a six-pack. I'm not a 10. I come from a family, I never had a dad. My mom was always drinking. and now you're justifying why you're not lovable. But the thing is you need to go right back to the beginning. You were born certain that you were lovable. So you have to reactivate what's in you that's become buried. But you do have to heal it. And I think we think, oh, healing is so long. What does that involve? I've got to play this meditation tape every day and spend hours massaging my own body or looking in the mirror and actually Healing is actually making a decision to think better thoughts. No matter where you are in your life, thought comes first. Your thoughts create your feelings, which create your actions, which create your behaviors. And even your belief is nothing more than a thought you think a lot. And I think we think it's, oh, gosh, I can't believe you said that one more time.

Can you say that one more time? Thoughts?

Thoughts always come first. Your thoughts create your feelings, your feelings create your behaviors and your actions, which you justify, they go, it's like a loop. I think I'm not worthy of love. And that makes me feel very sad and defeated and probably angry and resentful. And if I think that thought and feel that feeling now, I act out, I'm difficult, or maybe I'm very needy or very pleasing, but I justify it because I've gone back to the thought, I'm not lovable. But if I change the thought, I'm lovable, of course I'm lovable, even if I don't believe it, if I keep thinking the thought, well I feel very different. I feel optimistic, I feel reassured, I feel quite confident, I feel certain someone's going to love me. And now I behave differently. I take risks, I look people in the eye, I speak to them, my actions are different and I justify them by going back to the thought. I'm lovable. So we're so busy changing the behaviors and the actions and the feelings when all you have to change is the thought. You know, it's hard to heal what you don't understand. But healing is just saying, I came from a crazy family. I came from a place with no money. I didn't get a great college degree. However, I am worthy of everything I want. I can have everything I want with bells on. So if you just change the thought which always comes first, everything else will take care of itself. And you know, you own your thoughts. You have every right to change and we think a thought and then we start to make that thought. Then we have this confirmation bias. If I think dogs are horrible yappy creatures that attack you, if I think that thought, I feel anxious around dogs and you can believe the dog is going to pick up my anxiety and start attacking me. Yeah, yeah. And it doesn't like me and now I've got confirmation. You see? I told you dogs are yappy, snappy, bitey things. Look what just happened. Babies don't like me. If I hold them, they go rigid. I always get dumped. Everything goes wrong. I can never keep a job for more than six months. When you think that thought and you believe that thought, you begin to look for a confirmation bias of how that thought is real. But confirmation bias can be very good. I think I'm lovable. Yeah. And now I'm gonna look for, yeah, well my grandmother loved me. My first boyfriend said I was amazing. My teacher said something good. So you have to make confirmation bias work. Think a better thought. Start looking for examples of how it's true because whatever you look for, you will find whatever you look for. You move towards what you already believe. You get more of what you already believe. So you've got to think a thought and then start looking for proof. And even if you can find hardly any, it doesn't matter. Still do it and then it becomes true.

What about people that say, well, how do I know my thoughts come from me? How do I know they're not coming from somewhere else?

But it doesn't matter where they come from. That's not important. What's important is let's change them. So if your thoughts are coming at you or coming from you and they were negative, It doesn't matter where they come from, it only matters you think, I'm not going to think this thought. You know, you can choose to be negative or positive, but you can't choose what it does to your body when you think negative thoughts.

What does it do to your body when you think negative?

Well, when it creates a lot of cortisol, which creates inflammation, which is a precursor to many diseases, it makes you anxious, it makes you suffer with things like insomnia, insomnia. It affects your digestion. It affects, can even affect your metabolism. It affects your ability to have joy and happiness on the planet. So your thoughts are yours to change. And yes, you can pick up other people's thoughts. You know, I've often gone back to London, got in a cab, they go, oh, this country's a write-off. Look at the weather. I just said, I've got to take a call. And I just shut the intercom because I think I don't want to let that in. I can't let in negative thoughts. I mean, they're around me, and sometimes I'll be in a position where I'm hearing really negative. I can't hear that. I can't let that in. It's fascinating because my dad used to.

You know, one of our first episode we ever did, I think the title was, you, Thoughts Will Heal youl or Kill youl. And it was one of our most popular episodes. I recommend people go listen to it. or watch it. And I think I might have told you then that my dad would always turn the commercials off when there would be some type of drug campaign or sick. If you're feeling sick, you need to buy this. If you're, you know, he would always mute or turn the channel constantly turning the channel because he was like, I don't want your mind to be. Yeah, I don't want to hear this, these negative thoughts. And it's something I've practiced most of my life. I mean, I'm not perfect, but. I don't watch the news still today. Yeah, like even the beginning. In the beginning of the pandemic, I remember watching it for like a month because just like everything was happening. And I just said, why am I consuming this? I can get information and be educated on what's actually happening in the world and be aware and be cautious of what I need to be cautious of. But the constant rumination of these negative thoughts are not supporting my mind. They're not supporting my body and they're not supporting my actions if I'm going to be living in a fear, fear-based state of mind and behavior. So I said, okay, I want to be educated and informed. So I'll get the updated information, but I'm not going to get it in this hysterical storytelling, you know, mass media of the worst of the worst. I'm going to get it written down of here's the data, here's the facts. Be aware, be cautious, but not allow these thoughts to be consumed inside of me. And I think that's that has really helped me over these last two years, just stay focused on how can I take care of myself, how can I show up in a loving way, how can I continue to serve my team, my community, my audience, and not be crippled by these thoughts. And it's been a great practice that I had as a child that's helped me now as an adult. But I see so many people consumed by the media in the negative way or taking it in too much. and then holding on to that fear.

Yeah, and it's funny because when COVID hit, I was in England just moving to America and I remember thinking, oh, I don't have any medicine in America. And I thought, and I went to buy some and everything had sold out. And I thought, well, what am I doing if I buy all this medicine? Am I planning to get ill? And I had a real dilemma, shall I buy all this stuff and ship it out to America? If I'm buying all this stuff, all these cold remedies, am I planning to get cold? Eventually I thought, you know what, I'm gonna buy them. for other people. I'm going to buy them for when I have visitors in my house. They need a bit of Lemsip, but I don't need it. And sometimes you have to really stop and think, you know, what am I doing? I'm buying antacids. I'm buying anti-sickness stuff to go on the plane. I'm carrying pepper spray or bear spray on my key ring. What am I doing here? Am I planning to get attacked? And I think it's okay to have that on your key ring. Right. Be prepared. But don't. expect, oh, I need this. Something terrible is going to happen. You know, I lock my door and I put on an alarm, but I don't stress about it too much. So, but you are right. We sometimes think the most, I'm going to get sick. It's flu season, it's allergy season, it's hay fever season, it's headache season. I know when I have a kid it will scream all night. I know when I have a kid, I get really fat and you never get rid of the weight. I know when I meet someone it's not going to work. We really have to remember you have the power to make that thought real but guess what? You also have the power to reverse it. This relationship is going to last forever. I'm going to be a great mom. I've got a great immune system. My body deals with germs every single day. So it really is a choice to just look at your thoughts update them the way you update your software, upgrade them. But so many of us don't even know what we're thinking. I need coffee to cope. I need caffeine to get up in the morning. I need pills to go to sleep at night. Well, actually you don't. But if you think that thought, you're going to confirm it and make it real. Sleep will come to you wherever you are. Your body will cope very well with that caffeine. you're not going to gain a pound looking at pizza. And you do know what full is and you can stop eating. But so many of us have been so influenced by the media. You know, in America, every third ad is for drugs, for medicine. Because it's saying you need this. And the same thing for happy meals. You need this. No, you don't need any of that. You need to think better thoughts.

Well, what about people with low self-esteem or low confidence?

Yeah.

What do you think that the root of that comes from and how can we start to overcome that self-doubt, low self-esteem, low confidence?

Yeah. Well again, I've never met a baby that was born with low self-esteem. No baby says, I'm just not going to try to crawl. It's too difficult. I can't get that food in my mouth, I'll give up. I can't quite hit the toilet, I just stop bothering. So the good thing about that is you were not born with it. Even if you had a horrible beginning and your parents gave you up for adoption and didn't want you. You know, one of my friends went to Russia to get a little boy and he said it was so funny. So I walked in the office and he ran up and he clung to my legs. And he said, when we left, I said, say goodbye. And he just looked at me, I'm not looking back. Even as a baby, he knew. And when I picked him up to leave, when I got the adoption, he wouldn't look back, he wouldn't wave. He's like, I'm going that way with you. and that's all behind me now. And he's an amazing kid, the boy he adopted, because he had a sense of, you know, where he is. And he said, one day, I said, I'm so glad I found you. He said, yeah, I'm glad we found each other. So he's already got that sense of we found each other. I found you, but you also found me, and we helped each other. So with self-esteem there is nothing on the planet that will build that faster than your own praise. We often think, well, I need to lose 10 pounds, get a six-pack, update my wardrobe. It's like that Bruce Springsteen, I want to change my face, my thoughts, my job. Do you remember that song by Bruce? Yeah. You want to change your thoughts. That's all you ever need to change. And the thing that will raise and build your self-esteem is praise. There is nothing, no shoes, no cookies, no candy, no sex, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing that will build your self-esteem like praise. And if you knew that to be true and it is true, then all you have to do is practice saying, I like myself. I'm a good person. I've got something to offer the world. I'm kind, I'm nice, I'm fascinating, I'm interesting, I'm compelling. You can make it as dramatic as you like. I'm magnetically lovable or just, I've got a good heart. I'm an interesting person. People like me. So if you knew that the one thing that could build your praise was free, was immediate and was in you, why wouldn't you use it? And I talk a lot in the book about exactly how to do that. Again, the cheerleader, the self-confidence. People get very confused. I don't even know what is self-love. Is that rubbing cream on myself, having a little sex, what is self-love? No, it's not that. is looking in the mirror and saying, I'm nice. And the way to know if you love yourself is really three things. And the big one is how do you talk to you? Do you say, I'm an idiot. I've got rocks for brains. Look at the state of me. I knew I'd mess that up. Self-love is being kind. So the way you talk to yourself, the way you dialogue with you is the big key to self-love.

Okay.

So if someone said to me, oh my God, you messed that up, you idiot. I go, no, I made a mistake, but I learned from it. If someone said to me, oh, yeah, I hate that book. I said, well, let me give you your money back. I'm sorry you didn't like it. I think it's a great book, but I'm happy to refund you because I'm not going to let them make me believe. So I said, I hate your book. Oh my God, they hated my book. I go, well, they didn't like it. I like it. So I will always talk to myself, well, almost all the time. You don't have to do it 100%. 90% is as good. The second way of knowing how you love yourself is how do you treat yourself? Do you eat well? Do you hydrate? Do you get some people, do you lie on the sofa eating potato chips, staying up all night watching Netflix and knowing you've got to get up at 8 and you're still watching something at 4 a.m. because that's not love. People say to me, I love food. I'm like, no, Loving pizza and beer is not love, it's abuse. Punishing workouts, that's not love, that's abuse. Starving yourself and eating celery juice or drinking diet coke, that's not love, it's abuse. And the only way to have a body you love is to actually start by loving the one you have. So love is, do I really want to eat donuts and pop tarts and soda first thing in the morning? Would I give that to a baby? but I give that to my pet. So how do you talk to yourself? First, how do you treat yourself second? And once you get into, oh, I'm gonna love myself, you won't eat donuts for breakfast. And lots and lots of takeouts for dinner, 'cause you'll think, that's not love, it's abuse. The whole dieting industry is based on abuse. Hate your body so much that you starve it. Make it do the plank when you're not in the mood. Force it to go running in the rain. And then go, I hate my legs. I hate my stomach. And then the third part is how do you let other people treat you?

Ooh, that's a big one.

Do you let them put you down? Do you lend them money when you can't afford it? Do you go out of your way to give them a lift? Are you a real people pleaser? If you get the first one right, the other two will click into place anyway. But again, you're back into that. I'm trying to buy your love. I'm trying to earn your affection. I'm trying to make you like me. And people like you when you like you enough to say, oh, this doesn't suit me. No, I don't really, I can't have your kids all weekend while you go to Burning Man. It just isn't convenient. And the other thing about it is don't keep saying, Sorry, sorry, I'm late. Sorry I'm sick. Say thank you. Thank you for waiting for me. Thanks for being such a great friend. Thanks for helping me out. Sorry I'm such a burden. I'm sorry. I know I'm a pain. So when you get to understand what self-love looks like, and I dialogue with myself very nicely, I treat myself on the whole, I can have pizza and ice cream, but I don't need to have four tubs because I'm practicing self-love. I love a bit of cake, but I don't need the whole cake. And now that I love myself, when you say something mean, I can go, oh, I'm not gonna let that in. That's not very loving. And it all sounds hard is actually incredibly easy.

When we are people pleasers and we let other people do things that necessarily we don't want to do, we end up doing it because we don't want to let someone down or we want someone upset at us, and then we resent that we did the thing. What does that say about us? us when we are people pleasing.

You're putting yourself last and everyone else first. And it doesn't mean you should put yourself first, but you should not put yourself last. I mean, it's fine if you want to drive to the airport and pick someone up at 4:00 a.m. because you love them that's perfectly okay. It's fine to lend someone money, to lend someone your car, but if you're doing it to make them like you, and you don't really want to do it, you put them first and you last. And it really helps to go, okay, Is this love or abuse? I'm lending people my stuff when I can't afford to. I'm giving people my things. I'm giving them my time, my money, my energy when I haven't got it to give. So that's not love, it's abuse. And if you can look at things, is that love or abuse and always come at love, it becomes much, much easier to get it right. Yeah.

In the book, there's a chapter in here where you're talking about how some people will trade one negative addiction for a more socially acceptable positive addiction. They'll stop drinking alcohol, but then they're having 10 Cokes a day or something. They'll stop doing something else unhealthy, but then they'll be working out three hours in the gym you talk about a day. And they trade one negative addiction for a different addiction, which seems to be more positive. but is also abusive in its own way. Why do certain people trade one addiction for another? And how could they actually sit with the time and the energy and the conversations, the thoughts of the anxiety or the stress that they're having and just not be addicted anymore?

Well, again, you've got to go back to that ladder of looping thoughts. What's the thought that runs an addiction? It's always the same. I'm not enough. I'm not enough is going to be behind every addiction. Because if you're not enough, guess what you need? More. I need more food, more alcohol, more drugs, more sex, more shopping, more Netflix. And many, many addicts try to change the behavior. I'm not going to go to the bar. I'm not going to go to the ice cream shop. I'm going to avoid that situation. So I'm trying to change the behavior, but you have to go back and change the thought. And there's someone called Ryan in the book. I think it's the second chapter. And that is a classic story of alcoholism. Ryan, bless his heart, because he's a lovely person, was an addict, alcohol and drugs, was also addicted to people that hurt him in relationships. And he'd been to rehab over and over again to change the behavior. And by the way, in rehab, They have cupboards full of candy. Don't drink, eat chocolate, eat more chocolate, eat more stuff because they're just switching one addiction for another. And many ex addicts, I'm addicted to food, I'm addicted to shopping, I'm addicted to praise. And because you're still treating the behavior, the thought creates the feeling that creates the behavior. I've worked with thousands and thousands of addicts. I've never met one ever who ever felt they're enough. And when you go back to that, Whenever you think you're not enough, you will need more of something. When you know you are enough, you don't need cake. After all, one donut might be okay. Why would you want six? Why would you need three pizzas followed by a beer? Why would you need a whole bottle of wine if one could make you feel good? If one purse or pair of shoes could make you feel good, why have you got a closet full of them? Clearly it isn't working. But with addiction, if you try to treat the behavior and only the behavior, you just swap behaviors.

So we have to go back to the thought.

You have to go back to the thought. Thought comes before behaviors. Thought causes actions. If you just change the thought, I worked with many alcoholics who've stopped drinking like Ryan in one session because he went back to look at the thought and say, well, let's change that. And many people say, you know, it's amazing. I stopped drinking, stopped binging, stopped using. Because I suddenly realized, oh, it was a thought I was thinking that caused me so much pain. And the thought wasn't even true.

Is it possible to change the thought that quickly? If, let's say, you're, you know, 40 years old, you've been addicted for 20 years, and you've kind of had this emotional, I guess, trauma trapped in your body and in your mind on a repeat for decades. Is it possible to change it that quickly? Or does it usually take a few months? The more, I guess, embedded this is in your system.

It just depends. You can change a thought in 21 seconds. Or is it 21 days? 21 hours? It can be 21 seconds. It depends on you. Some people, change thoughts instantly. They learn something new. It's like suddenly you realize that Father Christmas isn't real. And everything changes and it's not hard work or you realize that there is no tooth fairy, there is no scary monster, maybe you even realize there isn't hell. So you can be instant, but it doesn't matter if it isn't. You can change three ways, immediate change, oh, I changed my thinking. you know, it's a bit like someone saying, I thought that person loved me, and then someone woke me up and said, you know, that's not love. That's abuse. It's like saying, oh, I thought, you know, I was doing the right thing by hating my body, and it's not changing. But then I realized everything I thought was love is abuse. So I'm going to do yoga, not running. I'm not gonna eat diet food. I'm gonna love my body with proper food. It can be an instant thought, you know, like, for instance, my My friends went into an abattoir, came out and said, that's it. I could never eat meat again. In that instant, everything changed. If you ate, I don't know, oysters were violently sick, that chain, you can never eat them again because you've linked pain to it. Anything you're over the toilet bringing up.

I think, oh no.

Never again. Never again. Never again.

And you get throwing up from alcohol the night before.

It's not even work. You just go, no, I can't do that again. So you can change instantly and that's always the best kind, but there's also a second change which is cumulative. It means bit by bit you think, oh, when did I last scream at my kids? When did I last have that tension headache? I'm noticing it's getting better. And then the third change is called retroactive when you don't even know you've changed. Someone says, wow, look at you. Or your partner says, gosh, you're so much calmer. Someone says, wow, Lewis, you're looking great. Instant change, cumulative change, retroactive change. But it doesn't matter which change you get because you are changing in the same way that some people have 10 driving lessons, pass their test, that's it. Other people have a hundred lessons and finally pass their test, but you're all equal on the road. So, when it changes, you're thinking, well, my friend did that diet and lost 50 pounds and I didn't, I guess I'm a failure. My friend did that work out and got a six back. I didn't. My friend did that and it changed her life. It didn't work for me. And the saddest thing is we don't blame the program, we blame ourselves. I guess I'm just a failure. So don't compare your change to other people. Some people change really fast and other people don't. Some people pick up a language really fast. Other people don't. That's not... Don't blame yourself.

Don't shame yourself either.

No, don't blame yourself. Don't shame yourself. Again, that's abuse, isn't it? Everything you're doing that's abusive, turn it around to being more loving. I made a mistake. I forgot something. I was mean to my kids today. I lost it. I ended up eating three Kit Kats because I didn't go out for lunch. But I could remember next time to have some nuts in my bag or to take something with me. I shouted at my kids because I hadn't eaten and I was so stressed and I realized I could have taken a deep breath. So don't, you know, you can only learn by making a mistake, but it doesn't matter how long it takes. It's like saying how long does it take to climb a mountain? I don't know, but when you get to the top, the view is the same for everyone, whether you sprinted up there or went a very slow crawl, everyone has the same view. Yeah.

You said there were a couple points to addiction, the first one being I'm not enough. Was there a couple more points to kind of the root of addiction Any.

Addiction is classified as something that moves you away from a bad behavior to a good one. People are going to be addicted to exercise, they can be addicted to orgasms, but it's anything that moves you away from something bad to something good that you can't stop that starts to run you. And people think addicts are really cold and mean, but addicts are often very fragile, deeply sensitive. So if we look at the Jimi Hendrix and David Bowie, and Prince and Michael Jackson, people who are addicted to pain pills, they often are very fragile. Amy Winehouse, even Whitney, very sensitive, fragile creatures that the world is very hard on. And if you're an addict in any way, you have to realize that addicts are very creative. If you say to Anthony Hopkins, Hey, Anthony, can you play a psychopath? He can see that. and play it and terrify everyone. If you say to Amy, Hey Amy, could you write about pain? She could knock out Back to Black in five minutes because they're so creative. And if you're creative, you are receptive to suggestions, which is your biggest gift and your biggest downfall. Because you go, I didn't think that was very good. I thought someone else wrote much better. So addicts are very sensitive. often highly creative. They find the real world very hard and they need support and kindness. That's not easy when you have an 18 year old kid who's stealing from you to buy drugs but sending them to rehab where they're told you're trying to kill yourself is often not the case. They're often trying to stay alive and it's hard to be kind. But it's the only thing that works with addicts going back and saying look not what's what's wrong with you, but what happened to you? When did you decide you don't matter? When did you decide you were worthless? What happened to make you believe you're not enough? And I've worked with many 17-year-old addicts who say, well, I don't have a dad. My dad left when I was one. He never saw me. He's got another kid he loves more than me, and I'm nothing. I go, but that's not true. Your dad is an idiot. I'm sorry you have an idiot for a dad, but your dad not seeing you has nothing to do with your greatness and your gifts. But it's hard for children because their worth is who loves me? Am I lovable? And if no one loves you, how can you believe you're lovable? As you get older, you think, well, I gotta start. If nobody loves me and I'm allowing myself to believe I'm not lovable, maybe I could reverse that and go, I am lovable. I am, I am, I am. Even if I think it's silly, because you're changing the thought. and we know that our thoughts radiate from us like a magnet, people that pick up thinking. You know, if you, I was at a ranch last week working with horses and if the horse thinks you like it, you know, you go, you have to lie on it so you touch where all its organs are, its stomach, and first the horse will tune into your breathing, actually tunes into your smell. If it goes, oh, you like me and I'm safe, it will let you hold it. But if you're nervous and anxious, the horse will pull away. But people are no different. We tune into someone else's thoughts. We tune into other people's beliefs much more than we tune into their actions. So change your thoughts because it won't just change how you feel about you or change how everyone else feels about you.

Right, because if your thoughts are going to create feelings and emotions within you, your body language is going to change.

Based on your thoughts. Of course.

And people are going to pick up that energy around you.

Yeah.

And what I'm hearing you say, people who are addicted, their number one thought is, I'm not enough.

Yeah.

And so they need to go back to the beginning of reversing that lie, changing that thought.

Yeah. And like with Ryan, it doesn't take forever. It can take an hour. It can take half an hour. It takes you, because I remember saying to Ryan, you know, you think you're a broken person, but you're not. You're a person who has some broken experiences. You think you're flawed. The truth is you had flawed parenting, but you're not flawed. You're not a machine that's broken. You're a person who's had some broken events, but it doesn't mean you're broken.

If you enjoyed that interview, then I know you'll love what we have coming up right now. It's fascinating. I'm so glad you're talking about this because we have a similar philosophy and a lot of people that come to me are afraid of certain things. And at an early age, I was afraid of a lot of things. I was afraid to talk to girls. As a 12-year-old, I was afraid of speaking in public. I was afraid of dancing. I was afraid of all those things, right? And I got so sick and tired of being afraid that I just said, I'm gonna give myself a challenge every day. You know, when I was afraid of girls, I was like, every time I see a girl that gives me butterflies, I'm gonna go up and start a conversation. And it's terrifying and I'm sweating and I'm stumbling over my words and people rejected me the first few times but I just kept doing it until the girl said, hi, nice to see you. And you give a little confidence until.

You know, by the end of the.

Summer when I was a teenager, it was like every girl was talking to me. -Of course. -And I tell people you gotta embrace the fear until the fear disappears. -Yeah. -It's similar with the feelings. you've got to live in the feelings until, what would you say?

Feel the feelings that no longer requires to be felt. That's right. Because what you're really describing so eloquently is you had a massive fear of rejection, talking to girls, speaking in public, asking, Feeling enough? Yeah, someone asking to employ you or pay you. So we have a great fear of rejection, which is not surprising because when we're born, we have two drivers: find connection, avoid rejection. After all, if a mother rejects a child, if a lion rejects the cub, it's not going to be adopted. It will die. Yeah. Or it just starves to death. And so we know innately that our survival on the planet is linked to not being rejected. And not that long ago, you would have died from rejection. You know, in a thousand years ago, when they banished you outside the walls of the city or you marooned ruined a difficult sailor or you cast someone out of the community, you pretty much died. There was nothing out there but purgatory. So we have a wiring that says rejection will kill me. And that's why you had the fear. But when you can dialogue with the other, no, it feels like it will kill me. It can't kill me because no girl can reject me unless I give her my permission. Right.

Give them my power.

You can't reject me unless I agree with I don't like you because you've got short hair. I don't like your shirt. I don't like you because you're white, not white tall, short glasses, not. But when you say you can't reject me, I can't be rejected because the only person who can reject me is me. You can talk to girls realizing even if they say no, you're not my type, I'm with someone, no thanks, or even Ooh, no, they can only reject you if you let that in. and we look at someone like James Corden who's certainly not gorgeous but women love him because he's funny. So funny. And you know, we like warm people, you know, the packaging is all very nice, but lots of us will have a great packaging, a great wrapper, but they're unhappy and so our greatest fear is to be rejected. But the truth is in 2018 you could live in this have Amazon deliver your groceries, never see a soul, and you probably live until you're 106. Wouldn't advise it, but we don't die of rejection anymore, but we still feel like we will. And all schools should be teaching kids you cannot be rejected, you can ask for a pay rise, you can ask for crowdfunding, you can go to someone and go here's my idea, you can write a book, speak in public. Because I work with a lot of actors who you say, I'm so scared of rejection. I'm like, well, how are you going to be an actor then? Because you're supposed to be rejected. So what you and I write books for everyone who loves it. There's going to be the odd person who goes, I hate this book and I hate that writer, too. But we don't let it in. We have to laugh about it. When you give a YouTube talk, I mean, I've got one of my talks, it's got, like, three million views, and there's a few in there going, I hate her stuck-up English snob. But they don't know me because that's not me at all. But I don't go, oh my God, I can never write another book. I'm okay because I don't let it in because the only opinion that matters is my opinion. I know I'm not a stuck up English snob. So that can't hurt me. Because if it did, I wouldn't be sharing it with you.

Right, yeah. So if everyone's giving you negative feedback or critical feedback on who you are, your performance, your work, how does someone not let it How does someone say.

Okay, that's such a great question. So if someone just comes in and goes, I hate that shirt or that colour is so not you or you should never have cut your hair or, oh, you've got a bit heavy, you just go, thanks for sharing that. Just a really simple thing which says, thank you for sharing your opinion, which I can choose to not let in. You don't have to do anything else. When the minute you go, your shirt's pretty awful or look at your hair or calling me heavy, you look anaerobic, you've let it in. And now you're trying to retaliate and it's like a game of tennis. If you put down your racket and walk off the court, you can't volley. So the first thing to say is thanks for sharing that. And it's very good for the little barbs we get from people, family, friends, sisters, cousins, exes, if someone is really mean and says, you know, I listened to your talk on YouTube, oh my God, you stank up the place, I was embarrassed for you, then you go back and you say, I missed that, could you repeat that for me? Slowly. They were usually not bothered because they know that in you asking them to repeat it slowly, you're going to call them out on it. And they usually go, oh me and my big mouth, I'm just having a bad. I didn't actually really watch it anyway. Just ignore me. And if they do, you must not go after them and go, no, I want you to just repeat it right now, say it to my face. Don't do that because a bit like a lion who bares the teeth, they're saying back off and I don't want to attack you. When a lion bares its teeth, you don't go up to it, you walk away. It gives you a chance to retract. So saying could you repeat that slowly is giving the person a chance to retract, they almost always do, but occasionally they'll come back and go, no, I just said you're so wooden as a speaker, it's an insult to wood. And then you have your third reaction which is, oh, are you trying to make me feel bad about myself? Amazing. They usually go, no, no, me? No, I thought I should tell you how bad you are because you need to get help or never speak in public again or, I mean, I had a nanny once, it was so awful, I had to say to her darling, you're wonderful, but you're not meant to be a nanny. And I didn't criticize her, I just advised her to go and do something else. And we're still friends. And sometimes people think that the criticism and the barbs and the humor are a good way to give you a message. So when you say you're trying to hurt my feelings, they often say no. When you're being bullied at school, if you say, yeah, I really am, I want to hurt your feelings, that's the point, dummy. Why? Because it's a domination. Bullying is just dominating. It's a bit like a seesaw. The bully feels there at the bottom and you're above them and they can only diminish you or embellish themselves to be above you on this little seesaw.

So they feel inferior.

Yeah, a bully feels inferior. So let's imagine you're poor, your dad drinks, you don't have any money and there's this kid with new trainers and new backpack and they come up and say you're just a faggot or you're gay because they want, they can't really embellish themselves so the next option is let me diminish you. I mean the embellishment is that no one in my family has been divorced so when we fight it must be your fault. I mean you're from divorced people or well I've got a degree and you haven't or I've already raised a kid and I've got no problem with those ones so this must be your fault. So you can embellish yourself. But if you can't, you go into diminishment. And so when someone says, Yes, I am trying to hurt your feelings, you simply reply, well, it's not going to work because I'm not letting that in. And I was in my garden last week filming an anti-bullying program, which we're giving away to every school. And I had these kids, and this little girl was saying, I'm not letting that in. that's not going to work. And I said, how do you feel? She goes, I feel so good because he's not hurting my face. I'm not letting it in. He can't hurt me because I'm just saying, I'm not going to let that in. And then when it was his turn, he said, I'm kind of running, I'm becoming demotivated to bully her. I'm totally demotivated. I was enjoying it because he got to the horrible things. He said, I'm so demotivated. I'm running out of stuff to say because she just won't let it in. And then they switched and She said the same thing. What's the point? He's not letting it in. I just want to stop this now. So that's the fourth option. Well, that won't work because I'm not letting it in. And the fifth stage is to say, particularly with adults, like if you have a bullying co-worker, do you know, since we're sharing here, you do know, don't you, that people who are critical have so much criticism reserved for themselves? They act actively dislike themselves and you're actually showing me and the entire office that you really don't like yourself.

By critiquing me?

Yeah, by critiquing, you're just showing me. Yeah, critical people always have criticism reserved for themselves. They are full of self-criticism but they reflect it out and superior people and happy people always praise and people who feel inadequate always criticize because criticized withers you. and praise builds you up. And if you can use those five things, thanks for sharing, could you repeat that? Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Won't work, I'm not letting it in. Since we're sharing, did you know what is running your critical behavior? You don't let it in and being able to not let in criticism, that too will change your life. It makes you bulletproof. You can't stop moving mean. and having a horrible day and we now have trolling which is becoming an epidemic. So it's actually worse. Our kids used to get bullied at school and go home to a sanctuary.

Now they're bullied online.

Now they're bullied online, on the phone and it never ends and they feel really attacked. And see when you find trolls they usually really miserable and unhappy but they love the power because they have no power. They live on their their own or with their mum. They have no life. I mean, we had a terrible situation in England where somebody was trolling this person whose child had been kidnapped. And when they exposed her, she killed herself. Oh, man. Which was a terrible thing for her. But obviously her sense of shame that she was outed and to kill herself. But she must have felt terrible. I felt so sorry for her. But she was very vicious in her trolling, but. a really unhappy person. She needed a lot of help. But when you can teach people to come back from criticism without fighting or going, well, I hate you too, or you're all shut up or crying when you can just teach them, look, I'm not letting it. It's like if I try to give you a gift, you go, and I don't need that gift. I'm holding the gift. I can't give you something if you don't take it. I can't serve papers on you unless you are accept them. I can't serve a volley to you unless you volley it back. So when you learn that people can try and give you anything, but if you don't accept it, you haven't let it in. And if you don't let it in, can't hurt you. It just hurts the person who's left holding it.

Years ago, I used to, when I got early in my career, I would react to any negative comment that I got online, Twitter, Facebook, whatever it might be. Anything that was Critical towards me. I was like I had to defend myself.

Sure.

But you don't know this much.

Because you let it in.

I let everything in. I let everything control, consume me. So, I was driven to be perfect to try to like never let anyone critique me. And then when they did, I was like, you, don't know me. You don't know this. And I remember feeling so exhausted.

Of course.

Trying to reply and be defensive and whatever it may be. and sometimes these arguments online, we go back and forth for days and weeks.

Just waiting for... And then you forget what you've even argued about in the first place.

And a good coach of mine at one point, he saw me, this was years ago, saw me like I'd gotten a lot better but still five years ago, I tried to defend myself with a very positive response that was like, well, here's why I did this, this and this but nothing negative about it, right? Right? And he called me out, he said, Listen, don't even respond like that. Just say thank you for the feedback.

Yeah.

Period. Thanks for sharing. Exactly what you said. Just like, thank you for the feedback and let it go.

Yeah.

And really now I think about, you know, the biggest critics are the ones who aren't creating. If you're, you don't see an author.

You never go on Amazon and leave a negative review for another author. No, I haven't done that. You know how much? Yeah. And it says there's never been a statue erected to a critic and I gave it to one of my clients who's an actor. That's great. And it's such a great thing, there's never been a statue or a monument erected to a critic. That's great. Yeah. We had a critic in London, a play critic, and he actually wrote a play and it was absolutely hammered. He went, I never realized what I was doing to people, how much I hurt them when I reviewed them. Thought it was funny to make a joke at their expense. Oh my God, this book should not be put down. Indeed it should be thrown as far away from the unfortunate reader as possible.

Wow.

He wrote that and then people started to get their own back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The trouble with this book is once you put it down you simply can't pick it up again. That's funny isn't it? But not for the person who wrote it.

Exactly. Wow this is fascinating. What do you think is your greatest challenge that you face internally, personally, personal challenge as someone who's helped thousands, tens of thousands of people personally.

Oh, my God.

And understand all this stuff.

Yeah. I suppose it's not a challenge to get more people to understand it because people need it. You know, we all need to be nourished. You know, we need inter. We need nourishment. Our soul needs to be nourished. It's not about organic avocado is from an old one market. That's great. But we all need this emotional nourishment. So is it a challenge getting more people to accept it? I don't think it is because everyone I see, oh my god, I love that. And so we'll go, you know, I listen to you, oh that's rubbish. But then I found myself going into the garage and saying nice stuff to myself. So maybe my only challenge, but even then it's not a challenge, is I would say half the medical profession love what I do and really go for and go, oh my God, this is amazing. I'm using it with my own patients. The other half go, this is all silly. Illness is caused by disease. You can't talk yourself better. Talking to yourself doesn't make any difference. You can't possibly give birth just using positive affirmations. It's like if you had cancer and you had a very good oncologist who might go, look, you know, the way you think, the way you eat, the way you act, the way you rest can all affect. you've got cancer, chemotherapy, there's nothing else that will work and all that stuff is hocus pocus. So that is a challenge. But it's not so much because I find so many doctors love what I do and go, wow, you know, all these illnesses are autoimmune illnesses. Many years ago, there was a wonderful psychiatrist in London called Dr. Maudsley and he had a great expression. It's always been my favorite. And it says the feeling that cannot find its expression in tears may cause other organs to weep. So he knew 100 years ago, that's beautiful. So beautiful and so true. The feeling that cannot find its expression in tears will cause other organs to weep. So he's sort of saying if you don't feel the feeling, your body's gonna feel it. If you don't open your mouth and say you hurt me, don't be surprised if you get a screaming everywhere. I've got this screaming headache. I've got this angry red rash. I've got this thumping pain and by the words they're using angry screaming they're saying I have rage that can't come out.

I'm not expressing it but it's coming out.

Yeah, because the body is very clever at finding something. I worked with someone who couldn't walk and all she said was I can't stand there, I can't stand my ex, I can't stand my life. my kids and you can't stand up. Isn't that interesting? She had sort of phantom leg pains because she couldn't stand anything. Believers also say, well, what makes me sick is my sister-in-law. Oh, I'm so sick of her. She just makes me sick. I vomit in my mouth every time I hear her voice. And then they wonder why they believe it.

Right.

Because our words really affect our reality partly because it's such an easy thing. to say, every word you say is a blueprint that your mind, body and psyche are working to make your reality. So we make our thoughts and our thoughts make us, then we go out into the world and we justify our thoughts every day. But our words are a blueprint and when you know that you think, well I better pay attention to that blueprint. I better not say this kid is killing me. My job is making me want to die. I'm so stressed out by what? The queue in Hughes Market. Well go to Zimbabwe where there is no Hughes Market and there is no queue and there's no money to buy food and then you can say you're stressed because your problem, the queue in error one and the bill is someone else's fantasy dream come true. This freeway is killing you, you have a car. Look at people on four buses. I used to take my daughter to school and I remember one day thinking that, oh my god, this commute is hell. And I saw someone at a bus and thought, how lucky I'm in my car. I've got the heating, I've got a cup of tea, I've got an hour to listen to something. I can talk to my kid. I keep saying I want an hour to myself. Well, here it is. And I learned to stop doing that. But when you said, how are you? Oh, nightmare. there. It is torture, what? The traffic, yeah the traffic, the queue, people keep ringing me, the phone ringing, it's torture. Well maybe if it didn't ring that might be worse. Some of my clients who are models will say my life is hell because people look at me. It's like really? Well one day they won't and then you might miss it. Yeah but I get on a plane and guys hit on me, it's a nightmare. Well put on a baseball hat and glasses, read a book. Then they'll leave you alone. But that's not a nightmare. It's just mildly inconvenient. It's not hell. It's not killing you. But we use these incredible words. This is torture. This is killing me. This is a disaster. What is? Well, I went to the bathroom and I forgot to pause my movie. That's not a disaster. But when you use those words, because your mind can't differentiate, to feel like it really is a disaster.

The flip side of this, the beautiful part, when we understand and appreciate that our thoughts become reality, we can create the life of our dreams as well. We can start to manifest our thoughts by visualizing, by telling ourselves what we want, who we want to become, and taking those actions toward it. We can manifest our dreams.

You really can. You can stop being ill. You can change the shape of your body, you can change your digestion, you can have physical things, you can change the way you interact with your kids, the way they... So here's a good example. My kid is a nightmare. Change that to my child is age-appropriate.

There you go.

That's it. This builder's gonna go, oh my God, that's a disaster. But a good builder will go, it's a challenge. When you said talking to girls is terrifying, you just changed that. It's challenging, but hey, There's hundreds of girls out there. It's a numbers game. One will say yes.

Some will say hi.

And even if they say no, the only risk in life is not to take the risk. That's the risk if you don't take, when you take the risk and it goes wrong, you learn something.

It gives you feedback for how to show up differently the next time. My girlfriend's a doctor of physical therapy and when she works on people, she would agree with everything you're saying because people's bodies are so tight, not because of something that they tore or something sore, but it's because they're holding on to something emotionally. And she says once they start to talk, their bodies relax, the pain goes away.

All the pain where they can't lift.

Their shoulder, they can't turn their neck, once they let it out their feelings about their relationship or their insecurities or whatever it may be, that's when they have a pain-free body.

Because the body keeps score, the body holds on to pain and stress and tension and grief and we carry around all this stuff and yet we really don't have to if just more people knew even to say I'm enough every day. And to say another of my favorite things is I'm choosing this and I'm choosing to feel great. I'm choosing to work on my website all week and I'm choosing to go to the gym. I don't love it but I love having a six-pack. I'm choosing to say no to Krispy Kreme Donuts and yes to apples.

Love Krispy Kreme's.

Do you?

I could eat 12 of them right now. Oh, so good. But I choose the energy.

Yeah, and if you say I'm choosing to do this and choosing to feel great about it, your mind has a very clear image. The way you feel about everything is down to two things, the pictures you make in your head and the words you say to yourself. There's nothing else. So if you choose to run going, I'm running, so I'm raising money for charity. So I'm going to complete this run even though my feet hurt, my knee hurts because I'm going to raise money. But you could run going, oh, I hate this. It's so I could be at home watching Netflix. I haven't eaten and then my knee hurts and then you'll have to stop. So when you keep saying I'm choosing it. Yeah. So if you're an Olympic athlete, you would choose to get up at 4am and train. If you are a diabetic, you choose to put a needle in your arm. If you wear lenses, you choose to jab your finger in your eye, but you don't go, oh, I hate it. I can't accept it and I can't change it. And when you say, I'm choosing to study, to work, I want to go and talk to this girl I really like, or to put good food in my body, and I'm choosing to feel great about that, too. There is no resistance. When you go, I want donuts and can't have them. I've got to eat this freaking rabbit food. What your mind does is it increases the desire for donuts. Because you said, I want donuts, but I can't have them. I want pizza.

I'm eating kale.

I can't have these, but I choose to do this. I can eat pizza every day. When I'm 95, I'm going to knock myself out with pizza. But right now, I actually want to look really good in my clothes. Maybe out of them, too. So I'll save the pizza when I'm 80, because that door is probably shut. up then anyway. Then you can have loads of pizza. Every day. But you have to reason with your mind and negotiate and your mind will always do what it thinks you want. That's its job. And if you could only tell your mind what you want using relevant up to the minute words, you'll get exactly what you want.

What do you struggle with telling your mind? Is there anything that you...

It took me a long time to tell my mind not to eat sugar. go. I still look at it and go, it looks so nice.

That's me.

But I still look at candy. The other day I was really tired and I went into a shop to get coffee and they had jars of jellies and I thought I could eat all of those.

All of it.

But I'm choosing not to. And I just had the coffee. So working out, you know, and we're on a schedule, sometimes just finding the time to go to the gym or do yoga, making the time. Yeah, that's probably the only really eating healthy food all the time, even on a plane, even sometimes where there is no healthy food, then you've got to wait and choosing to make myself access when I don't want to. But other than that, nothing really, because I couldn't do what I do unless I was really good at dialogue. My mind is my best friend. It's the best PA I've ever had and it does what I want because I give it clear instructions.

What do you say yourself on a daily basis? Is there like a process in the morning, afternoon, at night or what would it be like?

Actually, when I wake up, the first thing I would say is I love my life. I love my linen, I love my cup of tea. I always wake up going, I love my life. And then when I make my coffee, I love this tea. I love the coffee. I love the shower gel in my shower. Because I really believe that if if you can make your mind get excited by little things, then big things every day is like Christmas. And I think when you wake up, you should go, oh, what have I got today? Oh, a world of stress. I've got this, this, this, this, this. So you should always wake up and go, I love my life. I'm alive in a free country. I've got all this stuff to make tea. And life is great. So I do that. The second thing I do is I tend to stay in bed and do all my emails because then I feel like I'm not working because I'm in bed propped up drinking my tea and I get all of that out of the way. Yes, that's true. Not stressed. Not stressed. I try not to have to rush to go to work but sometimes I do. And I mean I'm very lucky because I love what I do and I do what I love. People say you work really hard. I go, I've never worked a day in my life. I don't know what that is. I don't have to go. whereas my life is a weekend. People say, oh, the weekend, I go, what's a weekend? I can take time off. I mean, I love my job because I get to make such a difference. So I don't really have much to moan about. Maybe communicating with my daughter is sometimes a challenge because I'm so positive that she occasionally wants me to be super negative.

Why is that?

Well, I guess because you have to be the opposite of your parents. I do all these positive, she's an artist and she does lots of negative statements on her paintings, on her t-shirts because that's the deal. You've got to be the opposite of your parents. But I understand that. But she's great, but really I don't have much to complain about.

You have a positive conversation with yourself pretty much 24/7. What about a nightly routine? Do you have a thought that you say to yourself?

Well you see for me, I really believe that first it's what you do and then it's who you are. So first you're doing it and then it's who you are and it's so who you are that it wouldn't occur to you to have to make yourself do it. See, I would never sit on the couch and go, my case is lost, I just know it, it's all going to go wrong, there's no cabs out there, this is a horrible flight. I now have a belief in it, excuse me, that there's no such thing as being bored if my flight is late. I mean I just get on my laptop, on my phone. I mean it's I have 24 hour entertainment empty out my emails, look at something, the days of having to wait and being bored even waiting in the car. My little phone is like everything, books, messages, videos. And so I love that. I don't really mind about missing stuff and being late anymore. In fact when I was last landing here two weeks ago I was hoping that because I was so into this movie. Hopefully it's delayed. When the pilot said we've got to go around, I thought, oh, that's so great. That's exactly how long is left of this movie. But I think it's important for people to understand that it isn't what you do. It's a bit like people who say, I've done yoga every day, and now it's just my soul. Like Meghan Markle said that yoga is in my soul. I don't do yoga. Yoga is part of my life. It's like you don't say, I walk my dog. If you've had a dog for 20 years, just get up, pick up the lead, and it's who you are, not what you do. And so for me, it really isn't what I do because it's so a part of me and I like it. And so I'm quite lucky that I'm pretty happy and positive, but I really do love my life, and that's a good thing.

Was there ever something in the last 10 years that that questioned everything that you've done or that question your ability to say, I love my life.

I did get very sick like a year ago and I thought, wow, how could that happen? You know, I'm so happy and positive and eat well. So, I was a bit surprised when I got sick. But then I thought, how did you get through that? The same thing, the thinking, the belief. I decided I'd focus on massive healing. I kept telling body, that it was a cancer fighting machine, I was making all these NK killer cells. And I did actually go home the next day, I was on stage a week later and my doctor was like, wow, you become the poster girl for just going on with your life. And now I look at one particular YouTube and think that's so bizarre. I had like major surgery just a week before that and you'd never know. But again it It's a belief I decided I do wellness. I said to the husband, I need to go home. I went and I got into my own bed. I watched Ray Donovan. I said, this is it. I'm doing wellness here. I'm not going to lie in that bed where they keep trying to give you pills. And I didn't feel any pain at all because I just kept telling my body to heal itself. And then later I thought, maybe it's good I got that because I can help other people. And I go, look, you know, Life throws stuff at you, but you get to choose how to deal with it. And even then I noticed that I was very positive because I had actually got womb cancer. I thought, I'll stroke a block to get womb cancer. I don't need a womb, it's done its job. I've had a great kid. I talked to my womb and said thanks for giving me this great kid. But now I've got to get rid of you because I've got to stay here and raise this great kid. And I thought, that's good. I mean imagine if you get brain cancer or bone cancer. so I felt very lucky it was a disposable organ. They'd done a great job, I didn't need it. And so I think once you become like that, it's just who you are. So I never had, oh my God, I'm gonna die, because I thought, no, I'm not going anywhere.

All perspective, yeah.

It is all perspective. I mean, I still, you know, people would say to me, But I thought you were so healthy, how could you get that? As it turns out, I have that same gene that Jolene has. But then of course Bruce Lipton would tell you, you can turn off a gene. You can mentally remove that gene. So even with adversity, because it's quite good in a way, because people think, oh your life's just, you're like Pollyanna just tripping along, having a wonderful life. That's not true. I've still had adversity. But your mind will always kick in when it's well trained. You go, this is a blip. just a blip, just carry on. And so you've got to train your mind like you train a horse. You know, I say your mind's like a Ferrari, and if you've never driven a Ferrari, it's going to go all over the place. But if you have Ferrari driving lessons, you're going to run that Ferrari. The Ferrari should not be running you. If you get on a horse, you've never ridden, it's going to go everywhere. But if you have some horse riding skills that you say go there, and it goes, go. So I see my mind like a horse and I am the rider, but I'm gonna tell my mind where to go and it's gonna do it. And when you recognize that there's something that you can do that no one else can do, which is your mind, it's what you're doing, it's your perception, then there's no envy or jealousy, there's no desire to be like someone else. Competition goes because you can't be competed with, because no one can do what you can do. So everyone is in that same boat. So suddenly now if you move from competition to enhancement.