Your Childhood Habits Are Ruining Your Relationships

If you were yelled at as a kid and your adaptive, smart response was to hide in your room and cry, and that actually gave you attention from your dad. So when you cried, your mom would yell, and when you cry, your dad would come and console. So what did you learn? You learned safety is crying, and then dad's gonna come console me. Now, as an adult, you cry hoping for that same attention, and it might not even be conscious, by the way. You just cry because that's the thing that comes up, and all of a sudden, your partner doesn't actually respond to that. Your partner actually needs you to be in a more of a regulated space for them to meet you. And where do you go? You go deeper into the pain. You go harder into the crying, because that's the thing that got you attention before. There is this younger part of ourselves that is in charge when we're triggered. And when that matches up with your partner's wounding, well, guess what? You're probably not going to get your needs met. It's going to lead to more tension.