#12: Ruth Hess, Self-Discovery Coach

You don't know what's on the other side. There's a big lesson to be learned whether you fail or whether you, you succeed. You're still gonna move forward.

So welcome everyone, we have Ruth Hess here today and she is a beautiful soul. We've connected just in the online coaching world. We meet many amazing people, and I'm super excited to have you on today, Ruth. Um, so thank you for coming.

Thank you for having me. I'm super excited to be here. You know, I've been following you through the interviews that you've been doing, and I can see you as such an amazing soul. You have a beautiful personality, and I just couldn't wait for my spot. I was like, oh my goodness, this is going to be amazing to just get to connect.

That is so sweet.

This platform. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm so glad to have you here. I'm going to check over here on Facebook just to make sure everything's working right. So we've had some technical, we've had some technical stuff go on and it looks like it's only me showing up. Oh wait, no, no, no. Both of us are here. Awesome. Okay. Okay.

Great. Great.

This is going to be different. Okay, cool. So I'm so happy to have you here, Ruth. Thank you so much for coming on. Okay. So I like to start these off just by like giving you like an open mic and just saying, all right, like share your journey with us, you know, give us your story, like where are you from, you know, just like give us a peek into, into the life of Ruth.

Okay, a little bit about myself. Of course, as you hear, I'm Ruth Hess. I was born and raised in Botswana, and that's where I come from. So right now I'm living in Namibia with my husband and two very young beautiful kids. Building an amazing life here. And yeah, that's, that's how, that's where I come from. And I, um, recently became a self-discovery coach, and I discovered this, this calling actually 2 years ago, but fear was in the way. Fear has been in my way for so long, and this was because I was a beauty therapist and I was so focused on being a beauty therapist. I was so focused on what people's perceptions were and how they saw me, and I did not believe in myself for so long until I finally just came out of my shell to following my purpose, my calling of helping women discover who they truly are. I'm more focused on women who've experienced childhood violence and are facing obstacles that could be a result of childhood violence. So this is where I'm mostly focused on because I experienced that as well. So that is how I got to becoming a self-discovery coach.

Wow, that is beautiful. I— that is— that's awesome that you said that you were a beauty therapist, and it was like, even though you focused on? And I'm assuming that like a beauty therapist is like, um, someone that— what, tell me what that is.

Um, I do— I used to do facials, nails, so it's mostly, um, spa treatments.

Okay. Yeah. And so like, like, you're a beautician in other words.

Okay.

Okay. Yeah, totally. So you were like helping women step into their, you know, their most beautiful selves. And yet you didn't feel aligned with where you were, right? It was like, you know, everything looks great from the outside, but on the inside, something was missing. Yeah. What it's like, we have that awakening. What did that process look like for you?

Well, I noticed during helping my client or beautifying my clients, they would open up to me about what they're going through, and I would just feel I would feel like that's not my place. I would just, I would lie to myself and be like, this is, I shouldn't ask deeper questions. I would offend them or I'd be putting my nose too deep into their business. Who am I to try to help them? This is the kind of lies that were going through my head. So I would just listen to what they're going through and their problems. And then they would be, feel beautiful. They'll be beautified. Their nails would be looking good after spending 3 hours on them and they would walk out, and I wouldn't feel fulfilled. I would feel, I would actually feel really, really horrible. And it wasn't fulfilling. I knew they were happy on the outside, but in the inside they were broken. And I know exactly what that feels like because I was that teenager for many years. I was so focused on beautifying myself, my nails, overly, overly overdoing it because I just wanted to look good on the outside so that I could feel good, but that was not true. I was still broken on the inside, and I was still going through emotional burdens that were causing me to feel so, so low. So I was trying to show up in the world as somebody that was somebody else. I wasn't truly being myself. Wow, wow, what a moment! Seeing that client walk out the door was very painful. And that's something just woke up in me because I do a lot of spending quality time alone and in self-development. And I just, I just had to do it. I said, there's, I, there's nothing that's gonna stop me this time. I'm just gonna burst through, through the ceiling of fear. And no matter what comes my way, it will come, but it will come for the better. I just take the process and learn as I go and stop fear and stop listening to the voices or the perceptions of other people, because that doesn't define who I am. I know who I am, so why am I not walking in, in my truth?

So good. And usually it's like our own voice that's the loudest. It's like not even the people around us, it's our own inner critic, you know? It's the voice in our head that's saying you're not good enough, like you're not qualified. Yeah, who are you to do that? Like, who do you think you are? Like, or, or like, for me, I remember feeling like, oh, well, you're a mom now and you have to like, you know, live this certain life and you can't go make a career change. Like, what? Like, it's too late to do that, you know? Um, so like, did you hear, like, did you feel any of those things? Like, what were the main things that like, you know, that, that stopped you? Or like, what were you mostly afraid of?

I was afraid of judgment, of— what's the word— of not being liked, really. I always— I grew up seeking to be liked. I was so— I remember being so desperate to be liked that I would lower myself just to make other people feel comfortable around me. So that's why when I say the voices of people and the perceptions of people were one of the reasons why I lowered myself and stayed where I was even though I was unhappy and unfulfilled in the life or the job that I was doing. So I think this comes all the way back from my childhood experience. As a child who experienced violence in the household, you feel a little bit of a neglect, you feel rejection, and it's so painful that when you grow into your teenhoods, that's all you want. You will do anything that you can to just be, to feel that love, to feel that nurturing that you lacked when you were a child. So this is something that I believe that I experienced, the feelings that I experienced because of coming from their childhood.

Yeah, yep, 100%. I, on a personal level, I definitely relate to that, um, you know, coming from a home and like a childhood where other priorities were put before me, you know. So I remember feeling that way. I actually just shared about it today about, um, you know, wanting to like fit in with other people and just— and even like with boyfriends and stuff as a teenager, like like, you know, just wanting to be loved, like just wanting to be accepted, you know? And I mean, and here we are years and years later, a lot of inner work, a lot of like self-development, you know, and stuff. Um, but a lot, I think it is, it's like the fear of, of judgment and the fear of like, well, who will I be on the other side of this that keeps people from, you know, from stepping into their truth and from doing what they want.

So, Yes.

You know, like what— like one thing I've had to like shed these old stories, like shed these old stories that like you have to be a certain way for people to like you, or you have to do a certain thing. Um, you know, did you feel that? Like, did you feel like you had to shed like these old beliefs, these old stories, these like this, um, like cycles, like generational stories or anything, um, for you to step into your truth?

To step into my truth. Yeah, yeah, I, I've, I felt that growing up, but, um, it didn't really— okay, right now where I am, I've come to learn that the old belief systems that I had were, were all lies, and, um, the cultural beliefs that I grew up in or how I was raised, they they all stirred up these lies that I would always tell myself and believe to fit in a certain group or to not feel left out or alone. And understanding that these are lies got me to a point where behind every lie there's a truth. So what is the truth about all these things? Why am I limiting my beliefs with these these lies that I have grown into. So that's how I got to finding my truth.

Wow, and it does not happen overnight.

It does not. It does not. It did take me some years of practice, of research, of digging deeper, of bursting through fear and anxiety and pain, going back the past to pull out all the pains and the hurts that I went through, just to find this amazing light that we all really have. We all really have that. And this is why I do what I do. I just want to show these women that have experienced childhood violence that you do have a light. You do have, you do have a truth that you can find yourself in.

That is so beautiful. Absolutely. So So tell us the kind of work that you do now. So you work with women, with teenagers. Tell us about who you work with now. What does their work with you look like? Yeah, tell us about your, your light that you're putting into the world.

Yes, I honestly just started working with women 2 months ago when I launched my Path to Self-Discovery package. This is just a package. It's not a program, online program yet. In the making, but it's just a package. I would just have calls with young women who've experienced childhood violence, who feel confused and feel lost and need clarity and understanding and healing, as well as to gain self-confidence in themselves. So I just work with them really through WhatsApp calls, and I send them PDFs and send them voice recordings through email, and it's really like growing from that. So working with them is such an amazing experience to hear their story. It's very touching because I know exactly those same feelings that they've experienced, and we share a connection, and they also Don't feel alone because I've also experienced the same thing. And this is such a sensitive topic. It's not easy for people to talk about things like this. So I show them that it's a safe space. I've also been through that. I know exactly what you're feeling. Therefore, they open up to me and I take them through a step-by-step process of developing a relationship, a healthier relationship with themselves through reflection, through forgiving themselves, accepting where they are, and accepting who they are right now, only to be able to work on finding their truth and eliminating all those lies. Those lies we're talking about, eliminating all those lies to finding out who they truly are.

Wow, what a beautiful process. And like, that is just— I know that that is such a sacred space. For you to hold for those women, right? Like to give them that safe container, to give them that voice and that ear to listen to, right? And it's a safe place, you know, without judgment, without bias, like without, um, because it's hard. Like it's hard to open up about stuff like that, like you said. Of course it is. Um, and, and even not even just to open up about it, but even to explore it yourself, you know, like I, I know that it's easier to just push things down, to repress it, right? And to just keep going on about your life. And you think, okay, well, if I can just keep going, I don't have to think about that, right? Like, I'm good, that didn't affect me, I'm just gonna keep going. So it's scary to even like open up that can of worms, right? It's scary to even go there. Yeah, what a beautiful space you get to hold for them.

Yeah, that can of worms needs to be open so those worms can just run out. Sometimes we have to go— yeah, sometimes We really— and this is what I express— we have to go through that pain. We have to let it out, because if we keep it bottled in there, it's just going to be baggage that's slowing us down from achieving things that we want to achieve, from having healthier relationships, maybe a happier marriage, maybe being a better parent. It's going to slow you down if you don't just open it up and work on it and face it, which is the most scariest thing. I know it's the scariest thing to do, but it's worth it. There's another side of that fear, and I must tell you, it's, it's worth it. It's beautiful, it's light, and it's— what you can gain from that is strength, is courage, is more joy. There's a lesson to be learned from that, from going through that. So open that can of worms.

Open the can of worms, let those worms go. Absolutely. Yes. Yeah. What would you say, like, Since you started your business, since you've started working with other women, what has been like one of the biggest lessons for you? Like, what have you really learned, you know, either about yourself or about business or, you know, just like what is something that you've like opened up your eyes to?

Um, the resistance. I think the greatest fears we have should be something that we should take a second look at. I think fear is one thing that stops us from achieving things in life. I feel sometimes there can be resistance to digging deeper or even putting in a little bit of extra. Because of that resistance, I question it. I'm like, but why do I feel this kind of resistance? Why don't I just break through it and see what could come out. Like I was saying, fear has been a major, major obstacle throughout my life. Once I got to understand where it comes from and why fear makes this feeling in our bodies, this emotional feeling of resistance to what things that you want to run away from or want to avoid or want to jump, try to jump over. So just facing that resistance is one of the things that has been a big lesson. And I realized that also, once I do face the fears, even if I do fail, there's a lesson to be learned from that failure that can only move me forward. So this is why a lot of people, I believe, allow their fears to stop them or slow them down because what if I fail? What if I look stupid? These kinds of things that could stop us from what you don't know what's on the other side. There's a big lesson to be learned whether you fail or whether you succeed, you're still gonna move forward. So that's been a huge thing for me to mind-blowing thing for me to experience. During this.

Yeah, absolutely.

And it's so uncomfortable. And this is also what a lot of people call stepping outside of your comfort zone, you know, not staying in the normal, in the usual, being in the safe space, but step out of that. And there should not be any box at all, actually.

This is so good. I hope that everyone watching this is like taking notes right now. Like, there So many golden nuggets in this. This is so good.

Thank you.

I am going to watch this again. Yeah, we are going to have to go back and watch it ourselves and like take notes from it. Yeah. So, so yeah, I completely agree with you. Like everything in life is either like happening to you or for you, right? And it is really your choice to decide. And a lot easier to say, oh, well, this is happening to me. This is unfair. Like, why is this happening? Why can't things just go the way that I want? But you're right, like it's a lesson. If we let it be a lesson, then it is, you know, and it, and it's not always everything. This is something that we talked about yesterday on one of the interviews was how like in life's tragedies and the things that don't go according to plan, like that really is where so much growth happens. You know, it's like, it's up to us to find to find the silver lining and to find like the, the divine timing in it. You know, it's like a series, all of these series of like small decisions, of small experiences, of like these little things that happen over time. Like that is our divine path. You know, like that is exactly what has led us to get to the place that we are right now. So ultimately, like it's up to us, like is it happening for us or to us? And like, I choose to say that it's happening for me, you know, like, yeah, yeah, every single day it's a choice, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a lot of unexpected things can happen, you know, like this year Corona hit us, it was unexpected, but what are we going to do about it? Let's not dwell on what's going wrong or what could go wrong. But what are we gonna do about it? We are in this space right now. Look for the opportunity in everything, no matter how negative it can be. There is a positive out of that that we can pull out and grow from and learn from and gain strength from as well.

Absolutely. So on that note, what would you say has been your biggest, like, um, blessing from this year, from 2020? You know, like, from coronavirus and the world's like just so much stuff happening in the world right now. What, what has been the silver lining for you?

Yeah, it's interesting. This year has been a breakthrough for me, honestly. And I say that because since 2016, that's when I started to work on myself and practice personal development in every single area of my life. And then suddenly 2020, I have two kids, a husband, and I had help at home. And now this woman wasn't here to help me and the kids are not going to school, so I didn't have time with myself. I didn't have time to do my self-development work and do what I want to do on the side as well. I had so much to do, like in the house and with the kids, and also marriage needs work each and every single day. And I just found myself being so, so overwhelmed. And I just— it just hit me, when was the last time you spent time with yourself? When was the last time you nurtured yourself and loved yourself? Because I realized that I wasn't even taking care of myself. Sometimes I would even forget to brush my teeth. And I'll be like, oh my goodness.

Wow.

So, um, yeah, right. So, um, so I did the self-work. I prioritized, no matter how tired I was, to wake up before my family and get to connect with myself again, to build that healthy relationship with myself. This is what I'm teaching, and I should be doing this more, you know. So this is That's what got me to get back into my safe space, into my little space and work on myself. And then I realized that I should, I should balance all these areas of my life. I should have a time for my kids, a time for my husband, a time for doing all the work at home, a time for the work that I want to do and by serving these women, a time for everything. And I just, exercise the muscle of balance during this time. And that was an amazing thing for me, but it was so painful before I got to balance all of this. And it was so hard. It was so hard, Lindsay. But I'm so glad I went through that because it strengthened that muscle. So now over here in Namibia, it's not as bad as it is in Europe. And, you know, the kids were back at school before the Christmas holidays. Then I could even spend more time in what I wanted to spend more time on, which is my work. And so, you know, I'm ready for the next, as they call it, the next wave. I at least know how to prepare myself and realize that it's so important to just get back to this space, to spending time with ourselves, setting our tone for the day before The day starts and you start to get overwhelmed with 1, 2, 3 things at once. You know, we are such busy human beings. Our minds are just so busy 24/7. We are on thinking mode. So it's important to have that quiet time with yourself to just be grounded and centered. And that is my foundation every single day.

So good. So good. That has been such a lesson, balance, this year. Like I was a school teacher. Teacher. Um, whenever we actually— whenever COVID hit the United States, I was teaching first grade. And then of course I was relationship coaching. I had started my relationship coaching business. So, you know, it was a huge adjustment to have to come home. I was learning to teach virtually now. Um, at this point the kids were also home from daycare. Daycare had shut down. Then my husband gets sent home. So like we're all home and, you know, we're like figuring out how to do this. So it was really It was a big change of pace because I was so used to go, go, go. I go to work and then, and then I go home and I work on my business and then I get the kids. And it was like, you know, I had my own routine. So whenever everyone was home, I really had to like take a step back and say, okay, well now I have the kids home 24/7. You know, Daniel's not going to work anymore. So it was like in my head, I thought that I was going to use this time to just like catapult my business. I was going to do all these things, but actually it ended up being a really beautiful, like cocoon almost for our family to grow together because I had to slow way down. I could not do all of those things that Lindsey thought that she could do during that time. Right? Like, like I had all these plans and it just didn't happen that way, you know? And that was okay because now like whenever we, um, whenever things started to open back up and Daniel went back to work, we were like, wow, like we just spent like 8 weeks together every single day, like playing with chalk and going on walks and like eating blackberries and like just doing like the small things, you know, that we'll, we'll never have that. Well, maybe we won't, who knows. But you know, we'll never have that time again where we didn't really have like outside responsibilities. So I am very— I will say that I am glad to have my me time again, you know, since they're back at school some, but it has taught me, you know, thinking about the silver lining and thinking about the lessons that we learn, it definitely taught to put boundaries around work and boundaries around that self-care time. And you know, when to work on business and when to just really be present with your family and to like when you go into like mom mode and then like when to show up as your wife, right? So yeah, it was, it's been a huge lesson in boundaries and, and really like how to navigate it, you know, like there is no one size fits all. It's really, it's like an ebb and flow. It's, it's how do you navigate it? How do you move through the seasons of it? Yeah.

Yeah.

And I'm sure that you can relate because you're a mom. So how old are your kids?

My youngest is just turned 2 years old on Sunday, and my oldest is 4 years old. So I have youngins.

Mine are the same age. I have a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old.

Yeah. Oh, that is so amazing.

I know, that's awesome. Yes, my oldest is a little girl and my youngest is a little boy.

What about yours? Okay, my youngest is a little girl and my oldest is a little boy. Okay, yeah, the other way, but it's—

yeah, and there's so much fun. Yeah, they're so fun. And yeah, you know, and like one of the questions that I have asked on these interviews is like, how do you navigate it? Like, how do you— how do you draw boundaries around it, right? So, you know, um, and, and I've gotten different answers. Like some moms say, oh well, I just let my kids come be a part of it. You know, I let them be a part of the live stream and then, you know, I just, you know, they're there for coaching calls, then they're there. Yeah. We can't separate our business from our life. Like, it's just, it's just not a privilege that we have, you know, it's just reality to it. So that's been interesting. And then, yeah, so I'm just curious, anything practical that you use to balance, you know, being a mom and having work and the mom?

I spend so much time with my kids, but there's also time for work that needs to be done. And when work needs to be done, I would just maybe have them sit in their little playroom, give them something to do, and then rush to the office and do my work. At least they are siblings, so they can play together, and they do play together for a long time. But I would tell my oldest, Philip, Mom is gonna do this, Mommy's gonna do this and this. I'm just gonna take 10 minutes or 20 minutes, but of course I have to watch them because they're small. So I would do it, but at the same time peek and then do my work and peek. Because when they're around me, there's absolutely no way that I could have a conversation like this because they'll be jumping all over me and I'll be, don't do this, don't do that, don't do this. So I just make sure that they have what they need, some toys, and I make sure that I set the time right. It's not always perfect, honestly, and they do get bored quite easily, so I have to make sure that they have a lot of stuff that they can do in the playroom. But they always keep each other busy. That's the beauty about it. And I think just communicating with them for me is a huge thing, just to say, please let me do this after that. We can go outside and play together. And then he will listen and he will make sure that his little sister is playing with him.

Oh, I love that. Yes, that's awesome. Yeah, that's so good. My kids, they like to fight with each other, so I can't really put them in a room by themselves. Yeah, they're, they're, they're wild. They're something else. They keep me busy. Wow. Um, but yeah, I think That's beautiful that you're finding that, that balance between the two, you know, and that you get to serve your purpose, you know, and you get to really like step into this, um, this is an authority version of helping other women heal their trauma and move forward in their life. Right. And you know, you don't have to make a choice. Like you get to do that and you get to be the mom and you get to like, you know, be this light in your own household. Right. So yeah, I think it's beautiful what we do. I do. I think it's the best job in the world.

It is.

You're right.

Yes. High five.

I know.

High five.

I love it. So if you wanted to give someone advice on like starting their business, you know, um, on stepping into this coaching world, on, you know, helping other people, like what would you tell them? Oh, wow.

I would ask them— okay, I would give them the advice of them finding out why. Why do they want to do this? They should write down their why, and really, this should be something that fuels them, something that keeps them up at night, and something that that they're willing to do whatever it takes, no matter how uncomfortable, no matter what they need to say that they've never said before, what they need to do that they've never done before, they have to be willing to do whatever it takes to pursue that. So they should find out their why and who— the second thing is who they, they want to help. So they really need to, I would advise them to ask themselves who they're targeting or their target market and to really be focused on a specific target market to go down to why— not why, sorry, to go down to what is that target market's pain points What are the challenges and frustration of the target market? Is that target market male or female? How old are they? Give them a name if you may. Create an avatar of your target market and study them. Study them and follow them and think about what could be keeping them up at night. What are the things that are really that are really challenging for them, a major thing for them to get started with. This is what I got started with, and this is what made me even more determined to pursuing this. This is what made me be like, "Oh, I don't care what's going to happen. I'm going to focus on this." So Yeah, figure out your why and find your target market.

Create an avatar. Yep, I love that. That's, that's some solid business advice right there. That's really good. Awesome, Ruth. Well, I have enjoyed having you on today. I think we're having some connection issues. Oh wait, there you are.

Perfect. Oh, okay. Oh, you lost me.

I did. It's okay, we can— we're good now. Um, but this has been so amazing, Ruth. And if someone wanted to reach out to you and if they wanted to explore working with you, um, how could they do that and what would that look like?

Um, well, I have a blog called overcominglife.blog. They could reach out to me there, or if they want to know more about what I do and the work that I do, or some tips, some tools, some advice on obstacles that we face coming from childhood violence, they could reach me on overcominglife.blog, or they could reach me on my Facebook page. That's Overcoming Life on Facebook, and on Instagram it's overcominglife20. My name is Ruth Hess, and you'll find it under Overcoming Life, so you could reach me there as well. Beautiful.

That's amazing.

Awesome.

So thank you so much for coming on. I have enjoyed this conversation. You are so easy to talk to, and this has been a beautiful interview. And I know that anyone who listens is just going to take so much, you know, just so much advice and just so much like aha moments from this. So many aha moments. So, so thank you so much for coming on, Ruth.

Thank you so much, Lindsay, for having me. I had an amazing time. And you are so easy to talk to as well, and I really enjoyed every moment of this interview. I also learned a lot from you as well, and I hope we keep in touch.

Oh, thank you, thank you, Ruth. All right, bye everyone.

Thank you, thank you so much.