#31: Parenting with Confidence with Claire Cetti

You're a great parent and reaching out for help is one of the best things that you can do. If you need help, it's okay to do that. That does not mean that you're a bad parent at all.

Hey, Coach, my name is Lindsey and I'm here to help heart-centered women like you build the money-making coaching business of their dreams. I've been coaching since 2019 and this pod is about It's about using your gifts to build a life and business you're 100% obsessed with. I went from working 50+ hours a week as a first grade teacher to building a sustainable business that replaced my job salary and gave me back 30+ hours a week of my time. Tune in to join the ride and learn from other coaches and experts along the way. Welcome to the Aligned Coach Podcast. This is your host Lindsay, and I have Claire Chetty here today. She's a certified parent coach. So for all my parents listening, you are going to love this episode. I cannot wait to dive in for my own, for my own parenting pointers, my own reasons. But I'm so excited to have you here. Thank you, Clare.

Thank you for having me. I'm excited for this conversation.

Yes, yes, me too. I'm excited for this as well. I was literally on Google like Friday afternoon, how to parent my, like, my emotional 4-year-old. And I'm like looking at like, am I doing this right? I'm on Reddit, you know? Oh, wow. So tell us a little bit about you, Claire. Tell us, you know, maybe where you're from, kind of who it is that you help, and just give us a little bit of insight into what it is that you do.

Sure. Sure. So like you said, my name is Claire Chetty. I am actually located in Santa Barbara, California. However, I— that does not limit me to who I serve. I work with parents and mamas together all over. And so basically what I do is I help mamas, and like I said, and couples together, who really desire to change parenting patterns that they're finding themselves in that are not serving them or their kids well. These patterns can look like anger, frustration, overwhelm, or even just that underlying agitation that's just getting in your way of the way you want, really desire to parent. I help them change these patterns and start to feel more calm and confident in being able to connect with their children and seek resolution from that space there rather than the conflict and chaos they might be finding themselves in more often than they wish they would be. And so, yeah, I do this through a CARES approach to parenting that I created based on my own journey. I've got 4 young adult kids. I shouldn't say young adult kids. I mean, they're my children, but they're young adults. But they're ages 18 to 30. And so I've been on this journey for a while. And in the beginning of my journey, I was in that space of chaos and conflict. I mean, I was in that space of just wondering what I'm doing. Is it right? Am I messing my kids up? Questioning every move I made. Incredibly high expectations I was putting on myself, you know, and I was just miserable. And the parenting patterns that were showing up for me were that underlying agitation and whatnot. And also anger was showing up, and I couldn't believe the anger that was showing up for me, especially with— like, I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, you know. But there was one particular day that I remember clearly. That I knew I had to change it. I saw the look on my son's face. It was just a moment of anger I was expressing. And I just wasn't a safe space for him. And I just knew I had to change it, but I had no idea how.

What a moment of self-reflection.

Yeah. Oh, I mean, we're talking 18 years, 19 years ago now. And I still remember it like it happened yesterday. But all that to be said, the reason I call it a CARES approach and the reason why I say a journey is this isn't a place that we're going to get to and we're done. Right. It is a journey. It's a practice and being able to change those patterns. And it's possible to change them because I did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's awesome. Oh my gosh. I relate to that so much. And I know that a lot of the parents that I personally know, like as far as like friends and even clients and, and, you know, acquaintances and stuff, especially for working moms and like us that are building our businesses, you know, we want to wear all the hats. And we want to be the best mom and we want to be the business owner. And it is hard. It is hard to not react from this place of like anger and frustration and just, just a place of like, oh, I give it up. Like, what else can I do? You know, maybe it's just me, but I think that I'm speaking for, for a lot of mamas out there. Do you hear, do you hear that often?

Yeah. And I think that really speaks to what I mentioned earlier, the expectations. Really high expectations that we actually place upon ourselves. I mean, I remember when I first— I mean, I had 4 kids, 3 of them 5 and under, and my stepdaughter, who's now 30, she was emerging as a tween at the time. And but the expectation— I was a stay-at-home mom for the first 11 years, and it was the expectations of myself I was putting on myself to do it all, right? I mean, to have dinner on the table, have my house be clean, have the kids behave, and look great for my husband when he gets home and just all the things, right? Like volunteering at the school and doing the moms groups and just all the things. And it was just too much. And it was showing up in anger and agitation for me. I was just really finding myself unhappy. And it was projecting itself in my environment around me, including my children. So yes, I hear that a lot. So what I'd like to really encourage mamas is you say this isn't about perfection. It's not about what can you let go of, like releasing the expectations and putting them aside, lowering them down. And I'm not saying you can't have a desire or hope to be the best that you can be, but the expectation of getting it right all the time and just doing all the things is too much. You just can't. It's not possible. And then we feel that— I like to call it the gap between the expectations and the reality, right? And the bigger that gap is, the larger the disappointment or the anger or the frustration. So if we can understand the reality and then how do we close that gap? And some of it is like being a little bit more compassionate with ourselves, right? Lowering the expectation that we don't have to do all the things all the time.

Yep. Yeah.

And yeah, so perfection is not what we should be after, but consistency. Is really what's the most beneficial and impactful. Like, we're not going to get it right all the time.

Yeah.

But if we're consistent as much as we can be most of the time, that is more impactful because we're showing up the best we can as consistently as we can, but not perfect, not perfection.

That sounds good. That feels good. Like consistency in like listening to our children or trying to, um, you know, not soothe them, but trying to just be a present parent consistently. Like I mean, I'm guilty of like zoning out sometimes and not being so grounded and present with my, with my two. They're both under the age of 5. And, you know, but I think that we, I love that. Thank you for that permission slip to just be consistent in it. Like, you don't have to be perfect, but, but do your best to be consistent in, in the type of parent that you want to be and then being compassionate with your children and with yourself also.

Oh, but it starts with you. It starts with you, right? So being that consistency is just even consistent in knowing when we've messed up And that's okay. The consistency to being able to go back and go, hey, I didn't do that so great. I'm so sorry. Let's learn from this and move forward. But a lot of that work is being done within yourself. What's going on for me? Why am I reacting so hard? What's my actual trigger? Like, how do I meet my needs? Right? It really can be very difficult for moms to ask for help because they feel like they should be able to, they should be able to do all the things. Like, look at that person over there. They are. Right? That comparison that comes in. So there's a lot going on for us. So being able to be very self-aware of where you're at and meeting your own needs so that you can show up the way you want.

Wow. So with your mamas and with your parents, do you mostly work with like the parents and like, and like you said, identifying their triggers and sort of helping them cope and operate more smoothly, or do you help them in like the actual parenting technique as well?

That's such a good question. So, People will say, oh, she's a parenting coach. And I like to correct them— not correct, I don't like to use that word— to actually say that I'm actually a parent coach. I coach mamas and dads and couples together who are people who happen to be parents. So I'm really basically working with them as a whole person because it really does start with them. So basically, my job is not to come in and tell you how to parent because you already know. You already know. There's no one that's a better parent for your child than you. But the problem is you're questioning yourself based on everybody else, other things, but really getting into here, you know, it's just slowing down long enough and listening long enough to really hear you, you know. So I'm not a parenting coach. I mean, I definitely give strategies and tools, you know, how to listen well, empathy, and how to be engaged in relationship. But it really starts with how to become aware about yourself and how are you doing? And how do you tap into that so that you can show up the best you can?

Yeah, that sounds good, because whenever we feel good about ourselves and whenever we're giving ourselves our needs, then we're just— it's like a trickle effect. Then we are a better parent, right? Then we do have more patience, then we don't feel that anger and that overwhelm. Yeah, that makes sense, 100%. It starts with us, like we're the source of that.

Yeah, yep, absolutely.

And we all—

we're all going to get angry, we're all going to get triggered. It's not about getting rid of that, right? It's about being aware of them and being able to say— the first letter of the CARES is catch yourself. And there's 3 components to that. And so catching yourself is being able to choose to stop where you're at. And so people will say, well, how do you do that? Like, you're in the middle of it, right? Well, often a lot of the catching yourself is becoming consciously aware of what are the actual triggers, what is actually upsetting you so that you can take care of it. And you begin to notice it before you get to that point where you are like that mind blown emoji, like boop, right? So, it is not about never being upset because we have emotions, those feelings, those things, they are there. But how do we take care of them?

Wow, that is beautiful. So good. So, how did you get, so Claire, how did you get into the coaching world? How did you, because 19 years ago, did you know that this was a thing that you could get a Coach? And someone could help you. Did you know that then? Or how did you find this journey as a parent coach?

So the question is, I actually kind of— no, I didn't know there was such a field, if you will. So I was home for 11 years with my children. And then from there, I worked 11 years in a health and counseling center at a college. So the beginning of my journey, what I shared with you, when I had that day where I'm like, oh my gosh, I have to change this, there wasn't the internet and all of it. I think a lot of it was just books. I had my therapy. I did my own journey based on my own intuition and really listening to what's going on for me. That catching yourself was literally what I did. When I'm like, I have to change this, I don't know how, the first thing I did was, what do I want? Well, I want to create a place where I can be calm with my children and not freak out. I want to be able to have a place where my children feel free to express themselves without being afraid of how react, right? That was my vision. And so from there, I was just like, that's what catching yourself in the first letter came into place. When I got mad, I'd be like, okay, I'm mad. Why am I mad? I would actually stop myself and create this space. So that was the beginning. And I just knew it really changed the course of my parenting journey. However, when I moved into this job I had, I found myself seeing kids who are 17, 18-year-old coming to college, and these parents were dropping off their kids. At first I'm like, oh, these kids are adults, right? But then realizing that these moms especially, and dads, these were their children, right? And it would appear that you'd think they'd have it all together, right? They know it by now, it's been 18 years. But they didn't. They were still on this journey. And I found myself working with these parents, helping them navigate this new area of parenting. Just, it was just a natural process. And I realized, I remember too, going, the anxiety and the depression and the stress that these kids were coming with, like, how can I continue to parent my kids that they can cope well as adults? Because mine were in elementary school when I went back to work. Um, and so it was just, was a natural progression. When my kids started going off to college, I found myself having a space, like, what do I want to do? And it was just a natural thing I was doing already. And someone had actually mentioned it to me before this. I was becoming a therapist and someone had actually mentioned, have you ever thought about parent coaching? I'm like, I never even knew there was such a thing. And so then I started researching and that's how I found the PCI and got certified. And it's just been since 2016 and it's just been amazing.

Wow.

I love, love, love what I get to do. It is such an honor.

Oh, that's so cool. So you've been coaching since 2016. Wow. You are a vet in the gang. Well, you're a veteran over here. That's awesome.

Yeah, well, better than that. But also as a mom, I mean, my kids are young adults and I'm still on the parenting journey. So it really doesn't ever end. You know, I use this approach all the time for myself with them now.

Yeah, that's awesome. I love that. Thank you, Claire. Thank you so much for sharing that. I think that this, all of this is just really served as like validation that it's okay that we're not perfect, like release some of those crazy expectations that we have on ourselves. And to know like we're doing the best that we can and that we are the best parent for our children, like Thank you for that. I think I needed to hear that.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah, I love that. So a lot of times whenever parents come to you, what are like some of the things that you all work through? Like, what, how would someone know if like they needed like a parent coach? Like, how do you— because there's so many different types of coaches out there. You know, like a mindset coach or a health coach or something like that. Like what I guess what I'm I'm thinking in my head is like a lot of times people or moms may think that they need a health coach or that they need even like traditional therapy or that they would want like just a support group. So what would you say in your area of expertise would make them like, yes, I need, I want to work with a parent coach and this is why, like what is that, that turning point for your clients?

When a mama or dad is reaching out to me, they, I first and foremost will say to them, thank you for I cannot hear you. My apologies about that. So I'm back.

That's okay.

This is actually, you know, this is the perfect example of CARES, where you, we don't, we can't control everything, right? Like right now the internet is acting up for me. So CARES is catching myself and saying like, okay, it's going to be okay.

Yeah.

We'll get through this, right? So the same thing with parenting, right? If things are not working out the way you want, it's like, it's going to be okay. We'll get through this.

Yeah. Yes, definitely.

Definitely.

So what I was saying was that when they come, the first and foremost, I will say thank you for reaching out because I know that's hard to do. Because something about parenting is very personal, right? And if we're reaching out saying that we need help, the fear is that somebody thinks that we're a bad parent if we do that. But no, no, you are a fantastic parent. You're a great parent. And reaching out for help is one of the best things that you can do if you need help. It's OK to do that. That does not mean that you're a bad parent at all. In fact, you're a great parent because you are seeking it Right. Yeah. And so they come, these are parents that tend to come to me are the parents that know, kind of like where I was, needs to change. They literally don't know how. They have big emotions. Their kids have big emotions and they're struggling and they really want to do it better. You know, they're tired of feeling defeated. They're tired of the yelling and feeling resentful. Maybe there are some boundaries that, you know, they're not even aware of what their boundaries are, you know. And so we just kind of dive in in the beginning of just really the self-awareness. Going on. Yeah. What is it you want? You come up with what is it you have to be after and how do we create that for you? But it all starts with figuring out like what, what's going on for you right now.

Yeah.

And how do we change that for you? If a parent coming to me saying like, oh, I gotta, you know, if there's a little bit of that self-awareness that's already happening, but there are coaches out there for all kinds of parenting issues. Special needs, twice exceptional, ADHD. I mean, all kinds of different coaches for all different kinds of struggles that parents might be going through. I particularly work with parents who really want to change their patterns but just need some help with that.

I love that they want to change their patterns.

Yeah, their patterns.

Yeah, I love that so much.

Their patterns and their habits and the cycles that they're stuck in, you know, whether it's like anger or like beating yourself up or like just being really hard on yourself and they want to change that and they have this self-awareness around it as well.

Yeah, they're feeling really disconnected. They're feeling disconnected with themselves, their parenting journey, their children, and they just know there's a better way, but they're just not sure how to get there.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Wow, that's so good. So good, Claire.

Okay, so yeah, yeah, you're welcome. What would you, what would you tell to any of the parents that are listening right now? Honestly, I thought we've already covered a lot of it as far as like compassionate and having patience and things. But yeah, like any word of wisdom or any piece of advice that you would give to any of the parents that are maybe struggling with the boundaries, if they're struggling with like getting to the root, like the root cause of some of this anger or distress, like what type of advice or a piece of wisdom would you give them right now?

Oh my goodness, there's so many that go through my mind right now.

I know, and it's hard to narrow it down to like a 30-minute podcast.

I know, it really is. Uh, you know, one of the mantras that I used to have with, with, with myself, you know, when things were getting really amped up in my house and my kids were acting up, you know, you know what was hitting the fan, you know, um, I, I would, I would just say to myself, one, It's okay. I'm okay. They're okay right now. Is this an emergency? If it was a true emergency, I'd be calling 911, you know? Right. So it's like breathing through it. It's okay. You're doing the best you can with what you know right now. And one of the things that I would say to myself is just walk with your kids right now, Claire. Just walk with them. Don't fight them. And so it really helped me stay true to my vision of what I wanted. And then from there, it allowed me to go to the next question that I would have is, what can I do? What can I do right now? We spend a lot of time trying to fix it and what I call mental movies and whatnot. So, you know, just slowing down, reassuring yourself that you're okay, put your hand on your heart if you have to, breathing, right? It's okay. What can I do? And it can help you get to the next step if you're really feeling stuck in it right now.

Wow.

That is good. Yeah. That's so simple, but so powerful. Like, it's okay. It's not an emergency. If it was, I'd be calling 911, walk with them, right, instead of trying to be ahead of the game and be the expert and know all the answers all the time. Walk with them. We're figuring it out together. I'm figuring out how to parent two children together with them. Yeah, yeah. And then what do I love?

What you just said, I love what you just said. We do not have all the answers, and we feel like we have to as a parent. I have to know, I have to have my answer right now, I have to nip this in the bud right now. No, It's okay not to know. Slow down and then you'll hear it. You will know. You don't have to know all the answers right away. It's okay that you don't. You're absolutely right. You're figuring it out along the way. Sometimes things show up. So that's the question, what can I do? And sometimes what can I do is just breathe right now.

Yeah.

Take a deep breath or go get a glass of water. Just kind of like, you know, whatever it is to get through the moment.

Yeah.

The coffee, right? Yeah, whatever that is that you need in the moment.

Yeah, that's so good. My 2— or my almost 3-year-old son this morning, we're getting ready because I take them to daycare during the day, and we're getting ready to go, and I always let them get like a little snack in the mornings before they go because they eat breakfast at school. But I have found that if I can like bribe them with food to get up, it's easier. But I just try to do like a little healthy snack. But anyways, this morning he's like me want waffle. And I'm like, baby, we don't have time for a waffle.

We gotta go.

He's like, no, me want waffle. And it's like this huge thing that he wants a waffle. And I'm like, okay, basically, like, inadvertently, like, putting those steps into play that you just said. I'm like, I can either argue with it with him, let him pitch a fit about him not eating the waffle, or I can put the waffle in the toaster for a minute and then just let him have the dang waffle and it'll be fine. Yeah, that's what I did. I just gave him the waffle and I'm like, it'll be okay. Like, let's go.

It's okay. Yeah. Yeah. I think we, yes, absolutely. I mean, those, we could, I could totally go down a road with that, but that is absolutely like, pick and choose your battles.

Yes. Yeah.

Right. Wow. You really want that waffle, don't you? So validating that, you know, that's, that's his experience, right? That's part of what we talk about, being able to separate ourselves from them and their experience is real. It's their experience. That doesn't mean it's right or wrong. Wrong. It's just what it is. And so that's a whole nother topic. But I love that story.

Yeah, yeah. And not taking it personal, you know, like my little girl, she's very— she's— I feel like she's highly emotional. I mean, all 4-year-olds are, but I feel like she really feels things deeply. And it's important for us and even for her dad to remember that it's not personal. Like, it's not against us. It's not us. It's her feelings. Like, it's her experience. Yeah. And then, and not taking it like, oh, it's a stab at us, you know. No, it's just how she feels.

So yes, that totally goes into the letter A of assessing. Okay, absolutely. Like, what you're feeling is real. It's not about dismissing how we feel. I'm really frustrated, right? But that's okay. That's your responsibility. And she's also feeling this, and that's her experience. And if we can really we can separate that and honor that, then we have a situation that, okay, well, maybe there's a situation we have to get to school on time. Like, that's actually what's true. But if we can really see clearly that we're all having our experience and how do we honor that in such a way, very validating for everybody. And then there's more cohesiveness in a relationship. So anyway, that's just absolutely honoring her feeling. Yeah.

Ah, so good. So good, Clare. I feel like I could, I could just riff all day and we could just talk about my kids and my parenting.

I love, I love doing that.

So good. Sorry about that. My husband's like iCloud is connected to this computer. So sometimes it rings randomly. Okay. Yes, yes. It's technology. So okay, Claire, this has been so good. I think that this has been very validating and just very like, like a, like a deep breath of fresh air for the parents listening. So do you— where can people connect with you? Where can the, where can the ladies or the husbands or the parents or whoever listening— mostly women that listen to this— but where can they connect with you if they want to get more info or if they want to be in your space and be in your place of this CARES approach to parenting?

You know, they can reach me on Instagram. It's Claire Chetty Parent Coach. I can— you can find me on Facebook. As well, Certified Parent Coach. I also do have a free group, private group for mamas who want to be mindful, conscious, and positive parenting. We have that conversation there, so I can give you that link if they want to sign up and join into that group and have that conversation. Those are the best places to find me, but then also my website, which is www.ccparentcoach.com.

Oh, I love it. So good. Yes, I'm going to link all of those things in the show notes so that our listeners can find you. And I just want to thank you again for coming on. This has been so good. I love, I love when these episodes are just like jam-packed with like goodies and just like juiciness. And I thought this was very, very sweet, very, very good episode. So thank you for coming on, Claire. And I'm excited to connect with you.

Yeah, yeah. Yes. Thank you so much.

Awesome. All right, everyone. Thank Thank you for listening, and we will see you in the next episode of the Aligned Coach Podcast.