In this narrated excerpt from Chapter 7 of How to Be a Pirate, Isaac Letchford blends whimsical language instruction with a comedic sword‑training scene. The segment opens with a playful guide to speaking "Dragonese," a fictional dragon language marked by shrill shrieks and onomatopoeic phrases such as “pishu.” The narration then shifts to Hiccup’s clumsy attempts at sword fighting using a new, oversized blade called the Stretcher Point, a gift from his father Stoick. Alvin, a boisterous farmer, unexpectedly appears and offers coaching, showcasing a self‑made sword‑holder mechanism that attaches to his arm. Despite Alvin’s enthusiastic instruction, Hiccup repeatedly falls, prompting humorous banter about natural talent and blood‑line destiny. The passage concludes with a brief, comic aside about Toothless hunting rats, underscoring the story’s light‑hearted tone. Throughout, the narrator maintains a lively, conversational style that emphasizes humor, character quirks, and the absurdity of the training session.
Chapters
Side note, starting with chapter 7, learning to speak Dragonese. Dragonese is punctuated by shrill shrieks and popping noises, and sounds most extraordinary when spoken by a human. The word pishu, for example, is pronounced very like a sneeze. More common phrases— more common dragon phrases Pishu na much much di meow meow. Please do not eat the cat. Hoodie chuck it up un di jin jans di papa. Who has been sick in my father's pajamas? Pak di botti forsakes di wooden or mi do di gully buhu. Sit, for Warden's sake, before I burst into tears! To be dragons? Me waterly googens big time! I am very poisonous! Chapter 7: Practicing Sword Fighting and Sniffing for Treasure. In Hiccup's opinion, everything went wrong from the moment Alvin, the poor but honest farmer, was let out of the coffin. It wasn't Alvin's fault, of course. He was a very entertaining and enjoyable companion. He made the women blush by praising their muscles and their fat yellow flats. He made the men laugh with hilarious farty jokes and impressions of Mordaggan the Meathead. He made the children adore him by telling stories of the trickeries and battles of long-dead heroes. Hiccup liked him too. Alvin came across Hiccup one day practicing his sword fighting for the second depressing hour in a row. Hiccup was trying to do Grimbeard's Grapple and failing miserably every time. Stoick had given him a new sword to replace Skarmaker, an impressively large and heavy one called Stretcher Point. Got a lot of length to do it, my boy. Stoick had said, it'll make up for the shortness in your arms, give you a better reach. Hiccup had difficulty keeping it steady, and when he got to the lunge at the end, he tended to fall over. He had just got up and wearily picked up the stretcher point for another go when Alvin, the poor but honest farmer, Suddenly appeared right behind him and said, Hiccup, is it? Hiccup was so startled he nearly fell over again. He hadn't realized he was being watched. You're the heir to Stoick the Vast, aren't you? smiled Alvin. Hiccup sighed. Well, I hope so, he said. That's the general idea anyway. But unless I can get better at this sword fighting, I'm never gonna be anyone's heir. I'm hopeless at it. No, no, said Alvin reassuringly. You've got a natural ability. I can see that. You just need a little coaching, that's all. Let me show you. Alvin carefully put his helmet to the side of the ferns for safekeeping. Hiccup watched, fascinated, as he untwisted the claw attached to his right arm, and in its place he fixed a sword holder mechanism. He then drew his sword and showed Hiccup how he could fit it into the mechanism. He twisted it tight so it wouldn't fall off. A clever little contraption I've designed for myself, said Alvin. I think I even fight better Now than I did before the accident. He twirled his moustache and demonstrated the grapple himself. You see? said Alvin. Weight should be kept on your left foot. Hiccup followed him carefully— and fell over again. Bravo! clapped Alvin, to Hiccup's surprise. But I fell over again, said Hiccup. But with such style, said Alvin. You can't teach that. It's in the blood. Alvin replaced the sword with his claw and picked up his helmet. He made a grimace as he put it back on his head. He then took it off again and peered inside. There seems to be some sort of mud. Melly mud. It's all over your hair, I'm afraid, sir, said Hiccup. Alvin looked horrified. He was very, he was very particular about his self-appearance. He hurried off to wash it off. Toothless, who had been hunting rats
