In this narrated excerpt from Chapter 14 Part 2 of How To Be A Pirate, Alvin confronts the Viking chieftain Stoick and his tribe aboard the pirate ship Hammerhead. He argues that barbarian leaders must become harsher to resist civilization, threatening to turn the Vikings into slaves and even suggesting cannibalism as a twisted sign of respect. Stoick protests, but Alvin persists, loading the outcasts onto the deck to begin the slave‑taking. Amid the tension, Hiccup steps forward and boldly declares himself the heir to Stoick the Vast, receiving acknowledgment from the crowd. The outcasts, led by a noseless figure, begin loading the Vikings onto the ship. Alvin equips his Stormblade, draws a line of blood across the deck, and hints at imminent violence, underscoring his ruthless authority. The passage blends dark humor, power struggles, and symbolic weaponry to advance the story’s conflict.
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Mine, I think, said Alvin.
Alvin unscrewed the claw from his right hand, as Hiccup had seen him do once before. He attached his sword holder contraption in its place, into which he carefully twisted the Stormblade. He screwed it on— he screwed it very tightly so that it was completely steady. And while he did all this, he talked.
You see, Stoick, We barbarian chieftains are facing a new challenge. We have to fight the creeping forces of civilization by becoming fiercer and crueler than you— than ever. You, Stoick, have gone soft! I have not!
protested Stoick indignantly.
Grimbeard the Ghastly would be turning in his grave. If he could see you now! You hooligans have become bungling amateurs, all noise and show with no real wickedness to you at all. Now, I have worked hard to bring us outcasts up to date. Outwardly, we now have some of the clothes and the manners of civilization, but inwardly, We are tougher and most— more truly outcast than we have ever been. We are your real professional pirates. Heartless, murdering, blood-sucking slave traders.
Alvin paused for a breath.
Talking of which, he then continued, take your last look at your rather plain island instead.
He gestured at the friendly cliffs of Berk.
All of you hooligans are about to enter the slave trade yourselves, in this very— in the very important role of slaves.
The hooligans groaned. There was no worse fate for a proud and independent Viking than to be sold into bondage.
I am sure you all— I am sure you will all make great— you all make excellent slaves, said Alvin kindly. Before you all— because you are all very strong and, uh, frankly nothing too bright. And I do hate to threaten, but anyone who objects will thoroughly regret it.
An outcast with no nose stepped forward. forward and uncurled his ugly black whip from around his waist, with a handle shaped like a serpent. Alvin clapped his hands and the outcasts began loading the hooligans onto the deck of the Hammerhead.
Yup, you should all be slaves. All that is, smiled Alvin. Except for you, Stoick. Curly Horns let Stoick go and To chieftains and their descendants, we pay the ultimate sign of respect, said Alvin with just a tiny hint of menace in his voice, by eating. But that's cannibalism!
said Stoick, shocked.
I know, I know, sighed Alvin. Very old-fashioned of me, but I would lose respect in front of the rest of my tribe if I dropped all the old traditions.
But! blustered Stoick.
I shall not change my mind, whatever you say, said Alvin gently. The thing about dinner is, it never, it never wants to be eaten.
I mean, you eat paw, but don't you, Stoick?
Well, Yes, admitted Stoick. There you are, then, added Alvin. No pig is ever going to volunteer to be supper. And thinking of volunteers—
Something seemed to be amusing Alvin. He giggled delightedly.
I mentioned that it would not only be Stoick that would receive this, uh, honor, said But also his descendants. I know there has been some sort of argument about this recently.
The question is, continued Alvin, struggling to keep a straight face, who is the heir to Stoick the Vast?
Could they put up their hand, please?
Strangely enough, Snotlout did not put up his hand at this point. Instead, he tried to hide behind Dogsbreath the Durbain, staring very hard at his bronze-tipped sandals, as if he hadn't quite heard the question. Hiccup sighed. He stood up on the bench so that everyone could see him.
I—
Hiccup.
I—
said Hiccup.
I am the heir to Stoick the Vast.
Stoick smiled a big, proud smile. For all their manners, the outcasts whispered A great deal at that. Hiccup didn't have to speak Outcastese to know that they were saying things like, that skinny prawn is the heir to the Hooligans. 2 giant outcasts lifted Hiccup from the bench and set him down next to Stoick the Vast. Outcastese for that skinny prawn is the heir to the Hooligans down below. Alvin held up the Stormblade. The sword was now just an An extension of his arm, like the horn of a narwhal is an extension of its nose.
It looks as if it has always been there, doesn't it?
Said Alvin. The daylight played across the bolt of lightning motif. Alvin drew a finger across the blade ever so lightly, and blood instantly dropped onto the deck.
