In this narrated performance of Chapter 13, "The Treasure," from the children's adventure book How To Be A Pirate, Isaac Letchford (with occasional interjections from a second speaker) recounts the chaotic aftermath of the Hooligan crew’s escape from the Isle of the Scullions. Hiccup suffers a deep chest graze and a dislocated arm, which Gubba crudely resets and fashions a sling for. The crew, eager to leave the spooky island, rows toward the friendly Cliffs of Berk, where they examine a mysterious chest they have recovered. Inside, they find green‑yellow crystals that emit a rotten‑egg stench—Grimbeard’s booby‑trap that alerts the Scullions. The treasure itself includes glittering coins and other valuables, prompting a heated dispute over ownership. Stoick the Vast, Baggybum the Beerbelly, Snotlout, and Alvin each claim entitlement, with Snotlout asserting he is the true heir of the Hairy Hooligans. The argument escalates into a physical showdown, complete with jabbed kidneys, staring contests, and comedic insults. Meanwhile, Toothless the dragon, left on the deck, is trapped under a barrel by Alvin, who uses the moment to propose a toast to a “glorious new era.” The Hooligans drink blackcurrant wine, Stoick draws his Stormblade, and they adorn themselves with treasure‑derived earrings, while the narration emphasizes the absurd, over‑the‑top tone of the scene. The chapter ends with Stoick raising his cup, eyes glittering, as the crew looks toward a future empire built on the newly‑found riches.
Chapters
Chapter 13, The Treasure. The graze on Hiccup's chest was actually deeper than he had realized in the terror of the moment. It would leave a scar that would stay with him for the rest of his life as a reminder of a morning spent on the Isle of the Scullions. And his right arm was dislocated from the strain of hanging from the talons of Newt's Breath. Gubba put it back in its socket, a very painful process as Gubba was not the most tender of nurses. And tore a strip off of his shirt to make Hiccup a sling for it. The hooligans gave themselves a couple of minutes to pat each other on the back and celebrate before grabbing the oars again. They were eager to leave the spooky island of the Scullions far, far behind them. It wasn't until they were within sight of the friendly Cliffs of Berk that they felt safe enough to ship their oars and let Lucky 13 drift a while in the calm but misty seas while they investigated their prize. When Stoick lifted the lid of the box again, the smell had nearly gone, but underneath the treasure there were a scattering of greenish-yellow crystals which appeared to be smoking slightly, and they gave off the rotten egg stench. These were what Grimbeard had used to booby trap the box. As soon as they came in contact with the air, they let off their smell. Which then alerted the scullions. A very effective and deadly defense of his treasure. And what a treasure it was! Alvin could not speak for at least 3 minutes. He stood there, eyes popping, picking up object after object and stroking it, letting his hands run lovingly through the coins.
Of course, 10% of the treasure shall be yours.
Boom Stoick the Vast, sticking his belly out in pride at his own generosity. You are too kind, dear Stoick, murmured Alvin, when he could say anything at all. Hang on a minute, interrupted Baggybum the Beerbelly.
Firstly, I want to acknowledge that Snotlout found the treasure.
Acknowledged, said Stoick the Vast reluctantly. Hiccup knew he should be thankful to be alive, but he was unspeakably miserable. He knew what all this was going to mean. Hiccup, although the son of the chief, was not the true heir to the Hairy Hooligans. The true heir was Snotlout, who had always been bigger, faster, more brilliant than Hiccup at everything.
Secondly, continued Baggy Mum, as the founder of the treasure, technically it belongs to Mustache Snotlout. And I don't know whether Snotlout feels like giving away any of it to some stranger.
He definitely doesn't, grinned Snotlout. Stoked the vast— banged shut the treasure chest. He lifted Baggybum the Beerbelly clear off the ground by the front of his shirt, which was quite some feat considering Baggybum the Beerbelly was about the size of a killer whale who hadn't much exercised recently.
I am the chief of this tribe!
yawned Stoick the Vast.
I launched this expedition to find the treasure of Grimbeard the Ghastly, and this treasure belongs to me and me alone!
Baggybum the Beerbelly gave Stoick a quick jab in the kidney, which made Stoick drop him sharpish. He yelled right back at Stoick's face.
Well, maybe you've been chief of this tribe a little too long! Big brother, maybe this is the sign from the gods. It's time you retire. What did that prophecy say about the heir finding the treasure? My son is the heir. Maybe that just makes me the chief of the tribe instead of you. No!
yelled Stoick, stamping his foot.
I am the chief.
I'm not.
I am too.
They grabbed each other by the shoulders and were carrying out a staring contest, the horns of their helmets locked together like a couple of rutting slugs.
Niff off!
said Stoick with quiet and sinister emphasis.
No, you niff off!
replied Baggibum. No, you niff off!
You! You!
Etc., etc., etc. While all this was going on, nobody noticed Alvin doing something rather strange. When the Lucky 13 sailed in To easy flying distance of the Cliffs of Berk, most of the dragons had flown back to the Hooligan Village for food and rest. The only one who had remained on the Lucky 13 was Toothless, who was a lazy little creature, considered this too far to fly, and he had caught himself a couple of nice plump mackerel on the way. So there he was, still on the deck, watching the fight with interest. For some strange reason of his own, Alvin picked up a heavy empty barrel. He placed it over the excited little dragon, trapping him underneath. He then interrupted the fight between Stoic and Buggy Bomb. Now, now, said Alvin soothingly. Little clams in their shells agree. Little clams in their shells agree. This should be a joyful moment. The beginning of a glorious new era for the Hooligan Tribe. There is plenty of treasure for all of you. I propose a toast to celebrate the finding of the treasure. The hooligans cheered, hoping to get over a difficult moment. Gubba and Hugefarts pulled Stoick and Baggybum apart because otherwise they were clearly prepared to stand there all day Some of the other hooligan warriors handed out blackcurrant wine for the toast. Stoick the Vast drew the Stormblade. He had already decked himself out in some fancy earrings from the treasure chest.
Halfwits and heroes!
he shouted.
We, a small band of unbeatable barbarians, are about to become the center of a new empire. An empire to roo— to rival Rome in her glory days! With this treasure—
Stoick lifted the cup of blackcurrant wine, his eyes glittering.
