In this narrated excerpt, Lois Letchford reads Chapter 13 of Anne Fine’s The Killer Cat’s Christmas from the first‑person perspective of the family cat, Tuffy. Tuffy recounts how his playful mischief—leaving snow‑white icing footprints on the carpet—triggers a chain reaction during a chaotic Christmas gathering. Ellie's mother discovers the mess, the adults argue, and in the confusion Tuffy climbs the Christmas tree to replace a cardboard fairy, only for the top‑heavy tree to topple, crushing decorations and injuring him. The aftermath sees Tuffy locked in the garage, reflecting on the disaster, the family’s reactions, and his own resilience, ending with a wry comment about the next Christmas.
Chapters
Hello, I'm Lois Letchford reading from Anne Fiennes' The Killer Cats Christmas. Chapter 13. Unlucky 13. The Fairy on the Christmas Tree. Okay, okay, so I went paddling in the cake icing. Brilliant idea, I thought. When I walked into the show, I looked exactly as if I'd put the white woolen mittens back on perfectly, all by myself. Nobody noticed us at first. Ella, Lucilla, and Lancelot were busy singing. 3 little mittens, they found their mittens. I pranced about. That was my big mistake, for Ellie's mother couldn't help noticing that I was leaving footprints. Snow-white icing footprints all over the carpet. She pointed. Look! The singing stopped. Look at the mess Tuffy is making! said Ellie's mother. What's that all over his paws? It looks like— Aunt Anne stood up and hurried round behind the sofa. We heard a shriek. It sounded like an express train shrieking to a halt when the green light turns red. Aunt Anne picked up the bowl and held it out for all to see. Look! Look at my icing! It's ruined! All churned up! All full of paw marks! Ellie's dad went mad. That pest of a cat! This time he's gone too far! I warn you, the moment the vets opens up again after Christmas, I'm taking Tuffy down there to— No! Ellie hurled herself towards her father, but, blinded by tears, she bumped into Lancelot. He knocked his sister, who fell in the well. I knew that, if Ellie's dad got hold of me, he'd have my guts for garters. So while Ellie and Lancelot's legs and arms were madly flailing about, getting tangled, I tried to make it to the door, but Mr. I Have Had Enough of This was blocking the way. So I rushed out of sight behind the sofa. Then, while Ellie pulled herself free and started to shout at her father, You leave poor Tuffy alone! You're always picking on him! I slid away under the tree. There were no glittery balls to hide me in the bottom half, So I climbed up the tree, branch by branch, higher and higher, while everyone was busy picking themselves up and comforting Aunt Anne and rushing off for cloths to clear up the icing footprints. Now I was almost at the top. Only Ellie's fat cardboard fairy was higher. And then I suddenly thought of a brilliant way to hide myself. What? I looked up at Mrs Tomato Face on top of the tree. This is the end of you, Sunshine, I muttered to her. You have had your days of glory. Now move over. I am going to be the new Christmas Fairy. I poked a paw up through her big fat cardboard roll. Her stupid red tomato face fell off and bounced a few branches down. Creepy! But I'd have no time to hang about shivering. Hastily, I shoved my head up through the space she'd left and tried to put on the same snooty, simpering look she'd worn for years. Personally, looking back, I think the white frills probably suited me. And I looked nice in them. I rather wish Dad had time to take a proper photo of their dear Tuffy as their new fairy at the top of the tree. I would have liked to show it to my friends, but Ellie's dad was right. The tree was not just bare at the bottom, it was overloaded at the top. 2 Overloaded. What they call top-heavy. It started toppling. It was far worse than being in a welly boot because I was much higher. It was like being in the crow's nest in some ancient galleon when it keels over in a storm. It took a long time for the tree to fall. They were all fussing and yelling and— Step back! The tree is crashing down! Watch out! Look at the mess! Oh, lovely. Well, totally squashed. There's not a single decoration left. Smashed. Every last one of them. I'm bruised all over. Where is that damned cat? Well, I sat on the floor, of course, pretty well splattered fat, just still trying to be the Christmas fairy. It was the ears that gave me away. Christmas tree. Tree fairies don't have pointy little furry ears like mine. So that explains how I ended up spending the rest of the day and the next locked in the garage. Ellie was only allowed to have me in her bedroom overnight, and then I was put back in here until the visitors go this afternoon and Christmas is over. I don't mind. In fact, I think I've come out of this spat with her father quite well. After all, when you consider that Mr. Let's-Take-Tuffy-Down-to-the-Vet is stuck behind in his house, still picking bits of Christmas decoration out of the carpet and doing all the washing up, I think I got it easy. Popped hoppers are quite comfortable to laze around on, and now that Moth's come back, I even have something to play with. Certainly, it's been a whole lot better than being in the house. But still, I won't be counting the days till December 25th comes around again. Remember that question you asked me at the start? Dear, dear Tuffy, why was your Christmas so horrible? Well, you won't have to ask again, will you? Because now— You know.
