In this narrated reading of Chapter 7 from the children’s story The Killer Cat’s Christmas, Lois Letchford tells a chaotic scene where the children Lucilla, Lancelot, and Ellie build a makeshift cardboard “well” for a pretend performance. They rehearse a nursery‑rhyme song, assigning roles to each other and to Tuffy, the family cat. While the children argue over the lyrics, Tuffy becomes distracted, watching a fat, hairy spider emerge from a staple hole in the cardboard well. Tuffy repeatedly “twangs” the spider’s web, eventually causing the spider to lose its grip and fly into Lancelot’s open mouth, where it is swallowed. The narration is delivered from Tuffy’s point of view, mixing humor, mischief, and a sense of exasperation as the cat watches the children’s antics and the absurd outcome of the spider‑swallowing incident.
Chapters
Hello, Lois Letchford. Chapter 7, Twanging the Spider's Web. But no such luck. All they did was stick a plaster on Ellie's arm and move on to a safer nursery rhyme. Ding dong dell, puss is in the well. It wasn't a real well. They planned to put me in, of course. Lucilla and Lancelot Made it while Ellie was trying to tempt me out of the cupboard with some of Aunt Anne's quite delicious bite-sized salmon tarts. She is so posh, she calls them canapés. The twins used the box the coffee table came in. The two of them pulled out the staples and flattened it. Then they cut off the top, folded it into a circle, and stapled it up again. After they painted grey squares all over it, it looked like a star. They carried it into the living room. It seemed that Lancelot was to be the star of this part of the show. He found some red velvety knickerbocker trousers in the dressing-up box and pranced around singing, Who put him in?
Who took him out?
Over and over. They didn't dare put me inside their stupid well. Wait till we've practised the song, said Lancelot, giving me a worried look. It might be safer. Yes, Lucilla agreed. Let's not put Tuffy in there until we're sure we've got everything right. Ellie looked down at the plaster on her arm and then at me. Yes, Tuffy, you can be in the show later. I'd had enough of people telling me where I could or couldn't go in my own house. I gave a mighty squirm in Lucilla's arms. Terrified, she let go. I jumped straight in their silly well. They were all thrilled.
Oh, Tuffy, you're a genius!
I raised my head and yelled. They were all so excited.
Look, Tuffy can act! He can pretend that he's stuck down our well! Oh, he's so clever! Quick, sing your song, Lancelot!
So Lancelot started off again. Ding dong well, Pussy's in the well.
Who put her in?
he warbled. The girls sang, Little Tommy Lynn.
Who took her out?
sang Lancelot. Little Johnny Stout, sang Lucilla and Corn Crack. I get the next 2 lines, said Lancelot and started singing, What a naughty boy was that!
But the girls butted in, To try to drown poor Pussycat.
Lancelot was getting cross.
I am the star of the show, so I get to sing the last 2 lines all by myself.
No, you don't! Lucilla argued, and she and Ellie sang together to try to drown him out. Who never did him any harm but killed the mice in his father's barn. I was so bored with listening to them. And singing and arguing that I settled down to watch a great fat hairy spider climb out of a staple hole inside the cupboard cardboard well and start on a new web. The spider was good fun to tease. I let it spin a couple of lines, then reached out to twang one. Not so hard it broke, but just enough to set the spider bouncing. Spin, spin!
Twang, twang!
Bounce, bounce! It was a laugh. I kept on doing it, but the spider was stubborn and kept on spinning. I was busy twanging. I hardly noticed when the 3 bad singers finished their stupid argument and started up again. Ding dong dell! Lancelot sang loudly.
Pussy's in the well! Who put him in?
chirruped Lucilla.
Little Tommy Lin!
Gargled the Corn Crack.
Who pulled him out?
Warbled Lucilla. And that's when Lancelot reached over the side of the well to pull me out. Well, don't blame me for everything that happened next. I already told you twice, I wasn't really listening. I was much more interested in twanging the web. A little harder each time. I don't see how I was supposed to know that suddenly I'd twang too hard and the spider would lose its grip on the web and fly up in the air. Or that it would be Lancelot's turn to sing the next line of the nursery rhyme, so that his mouth would be wide Open. Very, very wide. Okay, okay, so scream the house down, everyone. Lancelot swallowed a spider. What's the big deal? I've seen him eating fish. Fish are a whole lot bigger than spiders, and they have creepy eyes. And he ate pork last night. That is a lump of Of dead pig's bottom. So why make such a fuss about an incy-wincy spider? And anyway, it was already deep down inside him, getting mixed up with his lunch. So there was really no point in reeling round and round the room, screaming and gagging and spluttering. The spider was inside to stay. If anyone had any reason to make a fuss, it was the poor old spider, not fussy Lancelot. Lucilla and Ellie were on my back, of course.
Tuffy, that was so mean!
That was a horrible thing to do, flicking that spider into Lancelot's mouth. Poor Lancelot! Poor Lancelot, I like that. Why should Lancelot get all the sympathy? Who is it who has spent the whole day locked in the room with the 3 show-offs? Me, that's who! And how about feeling sorry for me?
