Lois Letchford Reads: The Killer Cat's Christmas - Part 5

5 Mar 2021 · 4 min

Watch on YouTube

3:48

In this YouTube reading, Lois Letchford narrates Chapter 5 of Anne Fine’s The Killer Cat’s Christmas, titled “Frog in a Wedding Dress.” The story is delivered from the cat’s first‑person perspective as it watches a chaotic Christmas‑themed nursery‑rhyme show organized by three elderly “softies.” The cat sarcastically lists the chosen rhymes—“Ding Dong Dell,” “Pussy’s in the Well,” “Hey Diddle Diddle,” “Three Little Kittens,” and “Pussycat, Pussycat, Where Have You Been?”—and then focuses on the star of the show, a cat named Ellie, who is forced into a frilly party dress that makes her look like “a frog in a wedding dress.” The narrator describes the absurd staging: Ellie being positioned under a tree, pine needles falling on her fur, a massive, misshapen “Christmas fairy” perched atop the tree, and the cat’s own discomfort being held tightly and forced to smile. The reading blends humor, sarcasm, and vivid visual detail to critique the forced performance and the ridiculousness of the production.

Chapters

Hello, Lois Letchford reading from Anne Fine, The Killer Cats Christmas, chapter 5, Frog in a Wedding Dress. So guess what the 3 old softies finally decided that they were going to do? Yes, just my luck, a show of nursery rhymes that have a cat in them. Is that tattered old book that you grew out of years ago Still on the shelf? Shall we run through some of the sweet little baby songs your granny used to warble to you when you were still in nappies? There's Ding Dong Dell, Pussy's in the Well, of course. Then there's the merry old favourite, Hey Diddle Diddle, the Cat and the Fiddle. And that there is the tragic tale of the 3 Little Kittens Who Lost Their Mittens. And Pussycat, Pussycat, Where Have You Been? Not to mention the sickly, revolting, soppy, and Ellie-ish one I really, really hoped they had forgotten. I love little pussy whose coat is so warm. Guess which they started with? That's right, the one I hate the most. I love little pussy. Ellie was star of the show. The twins started bossing her about. Ellie, sit in front of the tree so all the sparkly decorations twinkle around you. Be careful not to let Toffee go. Remember what your dad said. Tip your head to one side and smile. Spread out your skirt. You'll look like a princess. Oh, I don't think so. Ellie was dressed in that frilly-dilly party dress she drew out of years ago. If you want my opinion, she looks more like an overgrown cream puff than a princess. The 2 big dafties kept on rearranging her. Put that arm more closely around Tuffy and show your pretty ring. That's right. Oh, Ellie, now you look like something out of a She did too. Like a frog in a wedding dress, they stared in on me. Stop struggling, Tuffy! Try to look happy for the show! I didn't see why I should try to look happy. There I was, held too tight and stuck under Under that stupid tree. Pine needles kept falling in my fur, and I was worried that the great fat lump of a Christmas fairy on the top would tumble through the branches onto my head. She's far too big and heavy for the tree, but Aileen made her way back in nursery school, so everyone has to pretend she isn't the Same shape as an exploding lavatory roll and doesn't have a face that makes her look more like a squashed tomato than a pretty fairy.