Lois Reads "How to Train Your Dragon" Part 25

This is an outrage, boomed Mogadon. That book is Meathead property. I demand its instant return or I shall declare war on the spot. Ah, put a sock in it, Mogadon, said Stoick. With wimpy librarians like yours, what can you expect? The hairy, scaly librarian blushed at Delicate pink and shook in his size 18 shoes. Bagabum! Hand me the book from the fireplace! yelled Stoick. Bagabum stretched out his great— Bagabum stretched out one of his great octopus arms and picked the book off the shelf. He lobbed it across the heads of the crowd and Stoick caught it, to much cheering. Morale was high. Stoick bowed to the hordes and handed the book to Gobba. Gobba! Gobba! Gobba! yelled the crowd. It was Gobba's moment of triumph. A crisis demands a hero, And he knew he was the man for the job. His chest swelled with self-importance. It's nothing really, he bellowed modestly. A bit of basic burglary, you know. Keep me in practice. Shh! hissed the crowd like sea snakes as Gobba cleared his throat. How to train Your dragon, announced Gobba solemnly. He paused. Yell at it. There was another pause. And? said Stoick. Yell at it and? That's it, said Gobba. Yell at it. There's nothing in here about a Sea Dragoness Gigantix Maximus in particular? asked Stoick. Gobba looked through the book again. Not as such, said Gobba. Just a bit about yelling at it, really. Hmm, said Stoick. It's brief, isn't it? I've never noticed before, but it is. Brief, brief, but to the point, he added hastily. Like us Vikings. Thank Thor for our experts. Now, said Stoick in his most chief-like manner, since it is such a large dragon— Vast, interrupted Gigantic! Stupendously enormous! 5 times as big as the Big Blue Whale! Yes, thank you, Old Wrinkly, said Stoick, since it is indeed on the large side. We're going to need a rather large yell. I want everybody on the cliff tops yelling at the same time. What shall we yell? asked Baga Bum. Something brief and to the point. Go away! said Stoick. The tribes of Meethead And hooligan gathered at the top of the cliffs of Long Beach and looked down at the impossibly vast serpent stretched out on the sand, smacking its lips as it devoured the last morsels of its late, unfortunate companion. It was so big that it seemed unlikely that it could be alive. Until you saw it move like an earthquake or a trick of the eyes. There are times when size really is important, thought Hiccup to himself, and this is one of them. Dragons are vain, cruel, and amoral creatures, as I've said. And this is all very well when they are a lot smaller than you are. But when a dragon's bad nature is multiplied into something the size of a hillside, how do you deal with it? Gobba the Belch stepped forward to lead the yelling As the most respected yeller among them all, his chest swelled with pride. 1, 2, 3! 400 Viking voices screamed as one, go away! And added for good measure the Viking war cry. The Viking war cry was designed to chill the blood of Viking enemies At the commencement of battle. It is a horrifying, electrifying shriek that begins by mimicking the furious yell of a swooping predator, which then turns into the victim's scream of pure terror and ends with a horribly realistic imitation of death gurgles as it chokes on its own blood. It is a scary noise at the best of times, But shout all together by 400 barbarians at 8 o'clock in the morning is enough to make the mighty Thor himself drop his hammer and cry like a little baby. There was an impressive silence. The mighty dragon then turned his mighty head in their direction. There were 400 gasps as a pair of evil yellow eyes, as big as 6 tall men, narrowed down to slits. The dragon opened its mouth and let out a sound so loud and so terrifying that 4 or 5 Passing seagulls dropped down dead with fear on the spot. It was a noise that made the Viking war cry seem like a faint cry of a newborn baby in comparison. It was a terrible, alien, otherworldly noise that promised death and no mercy and everything awful. There was another impressive silence. With one delicate movement of his talon, the dragon ripped through Gobba's tunic and trousers from head to toe as if he were peeling fruit. Gobba gave a most unheroic shriek of outraged Modesty. The dragon placed the same talon upright in front of Gobba the Belch and flicked him like a spitball. Way, way away over the Viking's head and over the wall fortifications of the village. The dragon put his vast cracked old paw to his reptilian lips And blew the Vikings a kiss. The kiss streaked through the sky and scored a direct hit on both Stoïc and Mogadong ships, which had survived the storm and were rocking in the safety of Hooligan Harbour. All 50 of them burst simultaneously into flames. The Vikings ran away from the cliff, As fast as their 800 legs could carry them. Gobba the Belch had the luck to land on the roof of his own house. The deep layers of soggy grass broke his fall as he went through them and ended up sitting stark naked in his own chair in front of the fire, dazed but Okay then, said Stoick to 400 Vikings suddenly looking scared but wildly overexcited. So the yelling doesn't work. They had reassembled in the centre of the village. And as our fleet is out of action, we have no means of escape from the island, Stoick continued. What we need now, he said, trying to sound as if he was on top of the situation, is for somebody to go and ask the monster whether he comes in peace or in war. I shall go, volunteered Gobba, who rejoined them at that moment, still determined to be the hero of the hour. He was trying to sound noble and dignified, But it is very difficult to be truly dignified with grass in your hair, wearing your cousin Agatha's dress, which was the only thing Gobba could find to wear in the house. Do you speak Dragonese, Gobba? asked Stoick in surprise. Well, no, Gobba admitted. Nobody here speaks Dragonese. Dragonese? It's forbidden by order of Stoick the Vast. Oh, hear his name and terrible— Uh, dragons are inferior creatures who we yell at. Dragons might get above themselves if we talk to them. Dragons are tricksters and must be kept in their place. Hiccup Hiccup can speak to dragons, said Fishlegs very quietly from the middle of the crowd. Shh! Fishlegs, whispered Hiccup, desperately digging his friend in the ribs. Well, you can, Fishlegs said stoutly. Don't you see? This is your chance to be a hero, and we're all going to die anyway, so you might as well take it. Hiccup can speak dragons! Hiccup can speak to dragons! shouted Fishlegs, very excited. Third time. Hiccup can speak to dragons! shouted Fishlegs, very loudly indeed. Hiccup? said Gobber the Belch. Hiccup? said Stoick the Vast. Yes, Hiccup, said Old Wrinkly, small Little boy, red hair, freckles. You were going to put him into exile this morning. Old Wrinkly looked stern. In order that the blood of the tribe should not be weakened. Remember your son, Hiccup? I know who Hiccup is, thank you, Old Wrinkly, said Stoick the Vast uncomfortably. Does anyone know where he is? Hiccup! Come forward! It looks like you could come in useful after all, Old Wrinkly murmured to himself. Here he is! yelled Fishlegs, patting Hiccup on the back. Hiccup started to wriggle through the crowd until somebody noticed him and dragged him up, and he was passed over everybody's heads and put down in front of Stoick. Hiccup, said Stoick, is it true that you can talk to dragons? Hiccup nodded. Stoick gave an awkward cough. This is an embarrassing situation. I know that we are about to banish you, However, if you do what I ask, I am sure I speak for everybody when I say that you can consider yourself unbanished. We stand in awful peril and nobody else in this room can speak Dragonese. We are not alone. Will you go to this monster and ask him whether he comes in peace or in war? Hiccup said nothing. Stoick coughed again. You can talk to me, said Stoick. I've unbanished you. So the exile is off then, is it, Father? asked Hiccup. If I go and kill myself talking to this beast from hell, I will be considered heroic enough to join the tribe of hooligans? Stoick looked more embarrassed than ever. Absolutely, he said. Okay then, said Hiccup. I'll do it.