Why Do Adults Seek Validation? (And How to Stop)

You check your phone again, waiting for that text back or that like, that comment. Anything to tell you it was okay. What you said, what you posted, who you are. Maybe you hate that about yourself. This constant need to know that somebody out there approves. You're exhausted from performing, from editing yourself, from wondering if you're too much or Not enough. And here's what makes it worse. You're an adult. You're successful. You have responsibilities. You should be over this by now. But instead, you're still seeking permission to exist. Still adjusting who you are based on who's in the room. Still feeling that pit in your stomach when someone doesn't respond the way you hoped. It's exhausting. And it's stealing your life. In the next 15 minutes, I'm going to share why we do this. Not the surface answer, but the real one. And more importantly, I'm going to show you a path out. Not by becoming someone who doesn't care what people think, but by finally recognising what you've been looking for was never out there to begin with. I'm Martin Pavion, and this is the Martin Pavion Podcast. A quick note before we dive in. I'm a clinical hypnotherapist and coach, not a medical professional. This episode is educational, not therapeutic advice. If you're dealing with serious mental health concerns, please seek appropriate professional support. Let's get started. We'll start with the real question: why do we do this? What's the root cause? Here's what I've learned, both from my work as a hypnotherapist and from my own journey. We seek validation as adults for one reason. We learnt that our worth was conditional. Let me say that again. We learnt that our worth was conditional. This isn't abstract psychology. This is lived experience. Think back to when you were young. Maybe you got praise for getting good grades, or for scoring the winning goal, or for sitting quietly and not causing trouble. And the praise itself? That wasn't the problem. The problem was the pattern. The pattern you internalised. I am valuable when I perform. I am lovable when I achieve. I am worthy when others approve. That conditioning doesn't disappear at 18. If anything, it actually gets stronger. This is the adult trap. Here's where it gets harder. As adults, the stakes feel higher. We're not just seeking validation from parents anymore. It's partners, bosses, colleagues, social media followers, even strangers on the internet. We check our phones compulsively. We overwork ourselves hoping someone will notice. We people-please until we're exhausted. We craft entire versions of ourselves, versions designed to be acceptable, palatable, impressive. And here's the trap. The more we seek validation externally, the more we prove to ourselves we're not enough. Every time we look outside for confirmation, we're telling our nervous system something. We're saying, I'm not safe being me. I need approval to exist. This isn't weakness. But here's what I really want you to understand. This is where healing begins. Seeking validation isn't weakness. It's a survival strategy. When we were children, we actually did need approval to survive. We were dependent on caregivers who held all the power. If they rejected us, there was a genuine threat. So we learnt. We learnt to read faces, to adjust our behaviour, to become who we needed to be to stay safe, to stay loved. Now, that's not a character flaw. That's adaptation. That's your nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do. The problem? Most of us never got the memo. We've outgrown that strategy, but we're still running childhood programming in adult bodies. Here's my personal experience, and I'll be completely down to earth with you. I've really struggled with this deeply. I spent some time in prison, which I write about in my memoir. Validation becomes everything. A letter from someone on the outside, a kind word from another inmate. Approval from a guard. I was stripped of everything that defined me— my freedom, my career, my reputation. And in that void, the hunger for validation became unbearable. But here's why I'm sharing it with you. Eventually, there was nowhere left to look but inwards. When the external world offers you nothing, you're forced to find something solid within yourself. Not because you're enlightened, but because you have no other choice. And that is exactly what I want you to understand. The validation you've been seeking your entire life, it was never going to come from outside. It can only come from recognising your own inherent worth. Not worth earned through achievement, not worth granted by others, but worth that simply exists because you exist. And that's the shift. That's your awakening. And you don't need to go to prison to discover it. The science behind this— I'll give you the science, because understanding why we do this is incredibly liberating. Your brain has something called, you know, for want of a better term, the social engagement system. And it's part of your— being a bit more technical— the vagus nerve complex. And this system is constantly scanning, constantly looking for safety signals. And one of the primary safety signals is acceptance from the tribe. Here's why. From an evolutionary perspective, being rejected by your social group was literally a death sentence. So your nervous system developed sophisticated mechanisms, mechanisms to detect approval and disapproval. When someone validates you, when they like your post, compliment your work, or tell them they appreciate you, your brain releases dopamine and oxytocin. You feel safe, you feel connected. When validation is withheld or criticism is offered, your brain interprets this as a threat. Cortisol rises, your nervous system shifts into stress response. This isn't something you're doing wrong. This is biology. But here's the crucial part. Just because it's biology doesn't mean that we're slaves to it. We can work with our nervous system, not against it. The path forward. So what do we actually do with all this? First, stop shaming ourselves. Every time you catch yourself seeking approval, don't beat yourself up. Instead, just try this. Acknowledge that a younger part of you is activated right now. That part learnt to survive by seeking external confirmation. Thank that part for trying to keep you safe. It has the best intentions. Second, we start building internal validation. And this isn't about positive affirmations. It's not about pretending you're confident when you're not. It's about developing a practice. A practice of recognizing your own worth independent of others' opinions. Here's a simple exercise I use with some of my clients. Just every evening, write down 3 things, 3 things you did today that align with your values. Not things you've achieved, not things others have praised, but actions that reflect who you want to be. Maybe you were honest in a difficult conversation. Maybe you were patient with yourself when you made a mistake. Maybe you showed up even when you felt scared. Over time, this practice rewires your brain. It teaches you to look inwards for confirmation, not outwards. Third, we examine our attachment patterns. Often, the intensity of our need for validation corresponds to the security of our early attachments. If your caregivers were inconsistent, unavailable, or conditional in their love, you likely developed an anxious or avoidant attachment style. Understanding this helps you recognize when old patterns are running the show. And finally, we get honest about our relationships. Are you surrounding yourself with people who genuinely see you, or people who only validate you When you perform. True connection doesn't require constant performance. It allows for imperfection, vulnerability, authenticity. The spiritual dimension. Now, I want to go a layer deeper, and this is where my work in spiritual hypnosis really comes in. The deepest answer to why do adults seek validation is this: Because we've forgotten who we really are. We're not actually seeking validation. We're seeking recognition. We're seeking to be seen for the vast luminous beings we actually are beneath all the conditioning, beneath all the performance. But we can't be seen by others until we see ourselves. And seeing yourself, truly seeing yourself, requires something. It requires you to look beyond the roles you play, beyond the achievements you've accumulated, beyond the identities you've constructed. It requires you to touch something deeper. In my experience, both personally and with the many clients I've worked with, the moment real transformation happens is this. It's when someone realizes, I'm not my story. I'm not my performance. I'm not what others think of me. I'm something much more fundamental than all of this. That recognition doesn't come from thinking about it. It comes from experiencing it, often in moments of deep meditation, during hypnosis, in nature, or in a profound crisis when all the usual structures fall away. Let me give you a different question. Maybe the better question isn't, why do adults seek validation? Maybe it's this: what would happen if we stopped? What would your life look like if you didn't need anyone's approval to be yourself? What would you create? What would you say? How would you show up? I'm not talking about becoming an island. I'm not talking about rejecting feedback. I'm talking about freedom. The freedom that comes from knowing your worth isn't up for debate. That freedom doesn't mean you never feel insecure. It doesn't mean you don't appreciate when others see and value you. It means you're not dependent on those things to know that you're okay. Look, I'm not standing here with somebody who has all of this figured out. I still catch myself seeking approval. I still feel that flutter of anxiety when I post something vulnerable. I still care what people think. But I've also touched something in myself that doesn't need the validation. And once you touch that, even briefly, everything changes. You realise the validation you've been seeking is actually already there. It was always there. You've just been looking in the wrong direction. To conclude, seeking validation isn't weakness. It's not a character flaw. It's an outdated survival strategy. And the moment you recognise that, the moment you see it for what it is, you can begin to choose something different. You can begin to look inwards for the recognition you've been seeking everywhere else. Here's my invitation to you. Notice when you're seeking validation. Don't judge it. Don't fight it. Just notice it. And then ask yourself this: What if I already had what I'm seeking? What if I'm already enough exactly as I am? Sit with that question. Let it work on you. Because the answer isn't something I can give you. It's something you have to discover for yourself. If this resonated with you, subscribe wherever you're listening. New episodes come twice a week. I'd love to hear from you. What's your experience with seeking validation? Send me a message at martin@martinpavion.com. And if you're ready to explore how coaching and hypnotherapy can help you navigate your crossroads, visit martinpavion.com for a free 20-minute clarity call. I'm Martin Pavion. Thanks for listening.