Tantrum vs Meltdown

Hi, I'm Mary Koska, and I'm going to talk to you a little bit about the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. And you will have this laminated sheet in your. And it's actually a really good thing to have handy. Just have it on the wall or on your fridge just to help you think through what's happening. So. So there's a big difference with kids between a tantrum and a meltdown. However they can. They can. At a glance, they can just look the same. So when your child is screaming, kicking, biting, shouting, stomping, swearing, throwing things, hitting, just aggressive, you want to look, try to take a step back and try to figure out if it's a tantrum or a meltdown, because the. The way that you handle those situations is completely different to get them under wraps. So a tantrum is really driven, like a want or a goal. So I want a cookie, and you say no, or I want my, you know, that toy, and you say no, and it's. And they just start freaking out. And if you were to hand it to them, which you shouldn't, if they're freaking out, but I'm just saying if you would hand it to them, they could, like, turn it off really fast. And they're watching to see your reaction. A meltdown, however, is driven by a reaction to something. And it's typically something in the environment. And a lot of times you don't know what it is. It could be the buzzing of the fluorescent lighting. You know, it's usually something visual or auditory. It triggers them. But they're typically being overstimulated in some way. But with a tantrum, it's really driven by a want or need of some kind. They have a goal in their acting out. So another example would be, say, in the grocery store, you could be dealing with a meltdown because they're overstimulated everything, or it could be a tantrum because they're wanting something. So a meltdown is really a neurological reaction to feeling overload, feeling overwhelmed. So with. With a tantrum, they're gonna. They're gonna check on you and, like, are you paying attention? Is my drama working? But if a kid's in a meltdown, they're oblivious. They're not paying any attention to, are you paying attention to what I'm going through? With a tantrum, they need an audience. With a meltdown, they don't need an audience that they're just falling apart whether somebody is watching them or not. So one way to tell, too, is like removing them from this, from the situation and see, see how they doing, how they're doing and that's, it could calm them down because of the, the meltdown. If you're removing the stimulation it could help them but also you can kind of see if that just goes on and on and on and on. And it doesn't matter that you change environments. You know, you're in a meltdown state. So with a tantrum, if they were to get what they wanted, they could, they could turn it off immediately. But with a meltdown there's no goal. Their behavior will only cease once they have calmed down and a loved one has helped them. Just like regain control with a tantrum you're not going to see any autonomic nervous system signs. When the goals achieved, they can return to normal within five minutes. However, in a meltdown, remember this is a neurologic neurological response to feeling overstimulated and overwhelmed. And you're going to see, you can see all different kinds of signs, neurological signs. You might see their face flush, their ears getting, ears getting red, sweating, their eyes can dilate and it can take, it can take an hour for them to regain control. So with a meltdown that's when you're really going to pull in your, your self regulation techniques. So you're going to do the, the brush and squish, you're going to do the bubbles, you're going to do just anything that's in the kits that's they're all geared towards helping them regain, get that vagus nerve calm and just help them regain control. I think a really good example dealing with this is that a lot of people, when a kid's acting out, they want to talk to them and they want to tell them to stop, stop acting that way and they're just at them. When a kid's in a meltdown that is just going to make it worse. Sometimes what they need is just to be removed from this what's over stimulating if you can or make it less stimulating like say in your grocery store, maybe you can put them in the cart and put a coat over them so that they're just, they're just kind of like in a little tent and that can kind of help them. But try to not yell or talk at them if they're in this meltdown state because you're just adding to the stimulation. Just try to figure out how to make the situation a little bit more calm. And making yourself calm is going to help help them. That's called co regulation. So we have three Cs we have calm the environment. Try to figure out some way to make the environment less over stimulating for them. Calm yourself. And then, then you can work on also calming the child. It really takes all three with tantrums. What I do want to say about tantrums is you have to be really careful about the word no, because with no, you, you need to stick with your no if you're going to say no. So try to think twice. Does it really need to be a no? Could it be a not yet or yes when? But no tends to be a trigger. And what happens is sometimes we say no, but we're like, really? They could do it in a little bit or something like that. And the problem with not really holding to your no is that every time you don't, it's like a slot machine and they just got a jackpot and intermittent reinforcement. Doing something every once in a while is actually more reinforcing to them than it being totally consistent. They're gambling, if I pitch a big fit, I might get that cookie this time and it's worth that big fit because I might get it. So I just really caution parents, try to save the nose for when they really have to be nos. And some options are yes, when. And I'm trying to think the other one, I just said not yet. Not yet is a good one too. So to summarize, they can look the same. They're aggressive, they're throwing things, they're hitting, they're biting, they're yelling, swearing, whatever, just blow up. And you're just like, ah. So the first thing you're going to want to do is just, you have to kind of figure it out, like, is this a tantrum or a meltdown? Because I really have to handle it a little bit differently. If it's a tantrum, you want to keep them safe and yourself safe. But you really got to not give in to the tantrum because you're just going to get more of the tantrum. It's hard. I can remember waiting out the longest tantrum with my kids when they were young. But I knew it was worth waiting it out because they worked so hard to, to try to make it work. But it didn't work. So it really wasn't worth the effort next time. But it's hard with a meltdown. Remember, you're dealing with a neurological response to feeling overwhelmed, over stimulated. And you have to really concentrate on how can I take make the environment less stimulating. And that includes just kind of being quiet, getting low, being quiet, and just Kind of waiting, help them feel safe, might be moving them to where there's, you know, less stimulation, less. People might be just sitting in the car for a few minutes, just something to help calm them down. And then use your tools that you're learning. And whether it's giving them some deep pressure or breathing, just along those lines, you want to really help them get their neurological system to settle down. It can take a long time, it can take an hour. Because once they've got that adrenaline going and they're full on, it can take a little while and just have to be. Just try to remember they're being overwhelmed and overstimulated. Now, is it clear cut? Not really. Because what starts out as a tantrum, sometimes what they'll do is they'll work themselves up into a meltdown. And I'm sure you've seen that. So it may have started out as a reaction to no or something like that. And they get so upset, they get themselves so worked up that now they've literally overstimulated themselves and worked it into a meltdown. So one common mistake that people make is they think that giving them a calming tool like say a fidget or something like that, that that might be reinforcing to the tantrum. The main thing is don't do the thing that that initial tantrum when was about. So I'll give the cookie example. If you said no to the cookie and you're sticking with your no to the cookie and they've worked themselves up and now they're in a full on meltdown, giving them a fidget or bubbles or something to help them regroup, it's not giving in because you're giving them a tool to settle down. So kind of keep that clear in your mind. I hope you found that helpful and the, the handout will help you kind of think it through in your mind. I, I know I got a little complicated at the end because I said the tantrum can turn into a meltdown, but for the most part, when you catch it early, you can really sort out between the two. Okay, Aloha. I hope that this, you found this helpful.