Biggest Lessons Since Getting Married - Part 2 | Ep. 3

This is The Rising Tribe, a podcast about leveling up our faith, families, health, and business. We're your hosts, Jared and Austin, and we're so glad you're here. Welcome to the tribe. If you win, you might feel good inside, like, I was right, I won. But what you've really just done is you've made your wife a loser. And who on earth wants to be married to a loser? Welcome back, everybody. I'm Jared. This is the Rising Tribe Podcast. This is part 2 of a conversation that Austin and I had started. So if you haven't heard part 1 already on the biggest lessons that we've learned since, um, since we've gotten married, go back and listen to our previous episode. But yet this is going to be part 2 of the conversations that Austin and I have learned in our marriages so far. So Austin you were talking about expectations. Um, so why don't you go ahead and pick up where we left off?

Yeah, I think it's awesome when you have to practice what you preach, right? Where you get to practice what you preach. So it was funny, Jared and I were talking about expectations and how that can eliminate conflict. And what's funny is before Jared and I can talk for a little while, and sometimes we go over the time that we planned, and I told my wife, hey, we're going to be doing this podcast from 6 to 8. And she said, great, I'll have my Bachelor night. She watches The Bachelor on Monday night. And come 8 o'clock, it was like, no, it's time. But you told me 8 o'clock, and we had set that expectation, and there was a conflict there.

It was about 8:10 when we were in the middle of the conversation. Yeah.

Yeah, so she had given me some time and she tried to communicate with me like, hey, you got to wrap it up. But we were still going. This is why we separated it into two episodes, rightfully so, right? It's going to be way better to take these pieces, these two episodes in two chunks. However, it was hard to really be like, wow, like I'm talking about this right now. Now I got to practice it, right? And so I just said, hey, Jared, let's cut this up. And obviously we talked a little bit about how I kind of deal with conflict sometimes, and sometimes I don't like to be told that I'm wrong, right? And so it's hard to be like, okay, I'll stop it and we'll just do it in a two-part episode. And so I was a little bit of a turd that night, to be quite frank. So I, I, I, to kind of make up for the fact that I wasn't being as cooperative as I ought to have been, I took Georgia out to Walmart and we ran an errand together. But then apologize later. I said, hey, look, sorry, sorry, wasn't respectful of that cutoff that I had with you. And yeah, Kaya said, that's all right, just don't be a turd next time, because I can get really, really stubborn. And, and so I thought, well, I'll bring Georgia with me to Walmart to try to help out. Even though I wasn't— it's so weird when one of my buddies told me that when we have an argument with our spouse, the first thing that we ought to do is do some act of service toward them. But I was, as I was shopping in Walmart with Georgia, I was almost embarrassed by how hard it was for me to do something kind for my wife after an argument. I thought, wow, like, this is a, this is something that I need to work on as a husband and just to be a better husband to my wife. So tonight is The Bachelor. However, I told her we could go over a couple minutes, so plan on watching it tomorrow. Now, if we finish before 8 o'clock, which I think we will, then I'll tell her, hey, watch The Bachelor now. So another really cool lesson here is maybe, maybe underpromise and overdeliver sometimes, you know, so you don't create false expectations that you can't keep. So make promises that you know you can keep. And then when you, when you can, you can overdeliver. But I feel like most conflicts are made when we overpromise and underdeliver. So that's just what I've learned in setting the right expectations. And this goes from anywhere from, you know, scheduling to what you want out of your marriage, what you want to do together, what roles are in the home that need to be— what things need to be done in the home. Set the right expectations and communicate so that there's no conflict. Later on. That's a little story, real life application of— literally, as we were talking about it, a conflict arose. So just, it's, it's worth sharing to, to show that Jared and I don't have this all figured out. We're still learning, and that's why we love talking about all this.

Well, and, and that's precisely why we want to have— like, why we wanted to do this podcast was so that— because you and I were already having conversations on a regular basis, but We thought, what if we maybe specified kind of the topics and the things specifically that we want to talk about? And let's have conversations about these things so that we can, we can analyze what happened, pick it apart, and then have a better understanding of ourselves, of our wives, and like relationships we have with other people so that going forward we're on a better note than like on a better foot than we were beforehand. Yeah, that, that concept of over-promising and under-delivering We do that all the time, like all the time, because we want people to feel like they can trust us. You know how many times when you're gonna be, when you pull up your Google Maps or your Apple Maps, whatever, and it says, you know, okay, you'll be there in 15 minutes, and then you text the person you're gonna see and you're like, all right, I'll be there in 10. You're like, what? Well, no, you're not.

Why do we do that?

Why do we do that? Because 10 sounds better than 15, and 5 minutes isn't that much. You know, it's like, oh, it's like, you know, it's within the, the margin of error or whatever. Like, it's, it's an acceptable, uh, amount of discrepancy, you could say. But what that's really doing is just decreasing your, uh, your trustworthiness and your ability for— the ability for other people to trust you. And that's not, you know, that's not a good thing. And it's remarkable what can happen when you under-promise and you over-deliver. Like, You told your wife, hey, we, we, Jared and I have a tendency to talk for a really long time because we like, we just love talking and we are going to try to get this done before 8 o'clock. There's a possibility we go over, like, you know, so let's, let's make that clear. We're going to try to shoot for under that, but just so you're aware. Now she's aware. And if you finish at 8 o'clock or before 8 o'clock, gravy, like all gravy. And then it becomes a positive thing. Exactly.

Yeah. And I think, you know, tonight I have, you know, in my job, I talk a lot about when I do like my salesmanship stuff, you bring up and you resolve objections before they can ever happen. And I think you can do that through effective communication in a marriage, bring up things that could happen and say, hey, look, Jared and I could go over tonight. However, you know, we'd like to finish beforehand, but that we know tonight that there's not going to be a conflict with us going over if it should happen. And I think getting ahead of the problems that could happen in life are so important. This is just a quick little example, but when I'm driving and I know I'm about to do something that Kaya won't be that happy about, like roll down my window if I'm in a left turn lane and I need to be going straight through a light, I'll say, hey Kaya, Don't be mad at me. I'm going to roll down your window and I'm going to talk to this guy to let me over into the, you know, the straight lane, like go straight through the light. And so now when we first got married, I wouldn't say that beforehand and she would be so embarrassed. Yeah. And now she just takes a deep breath. Like just slides her chair all the way back so that this other person cannot see her. And so she does not have to be embarrassed. And I just roll the window down, I have that communication with the other person in that lane. And then I get over successfully. But it's like one of those things where I just have to tell her like, hey, this is what I'm going to do. Don't be, don't be worked up about it. Because if I just did it and caught her off guard, she would be pretty upset. I take this because when we were in Chile, the way that you would get over is you would always just stick your hand out of the window. And you could switch the car. You could, you could always move lanes only if you stuck your hand out.

All you do is you stick your hand out the window, you could do whatever you want. It's like a, it's like, hey, just so you know, I'm gonna disobey the law, but I can do whatever I want and everyone's totally okay with it. It is, yeah, universal signal.

The thing that— this is off, this is off topic here, but it's worth mentioning, uh, when I roll down the window to kind of talk to people, I become human. And therefore they are more understanding. But if I were to just jut my nose out of the car, jut the nose of the car out in front of them, I'm a car, I'm not a person. And so what I've learned is that if you make that like human connection, you stick the hand out, you roll the window down, you kind of wave them down, they always let you over. I've never had anybody tell me no. But, um, yeah, it just goes to show that when there's road— when there's road rage, and this is even cool with marriage, like when when we get mad at our partner or when we get mad at somebody on the road, we forget that they're another human. And it's just the same thing with marriage. When we think we get really— when we get mad, we forget that the other person's just another human being like us, someone that we love. Uh, yeah, which, you know, ties it back to my little struggle in Walmart about my— how do I— had to swallow my pride and just You know, it just was so embarrassing. I'm like, wow, I love this woman and I'm like so mad about this little tiny thing.

Yeah, well, so that kind of leads right into, uh, one of the biggest lessons that I've learned in marriage. And that was— it was actually something that Jordan Peterson said once. He said, um, that if you win in an argument, you both lose. And I've really taken that to heart. And reason is, if like— so the, the I guess you could say the presupposition of an argument is that someone— is that both parties want to be right. Like, both of you want to win the argument, like, or a debate or whatever. Like, it's not like a collaborative thing. An argument or a debate is two parties or more parties, like, against each other. And if you win, you might feel good inside, like, I was right, I won. But what you've really just done is you've made your wife a loser. And who on earth wants to be married to a loser, right? And like, you are now going to have to live with and sleep with and work with a loser. And does that— is that something you want? Like, no. Like, you, you guys are actually on the same team. And same for your— like, if your wife wants to win the argument and you lose the argument, you feel like garbage. And then you are like kind of dependent on either other sort of external forces or on your spouse to then get you, like, to pick you back up and to get you going again. And like, that is, that is additional stress to the relationship itself. And like, you, it's not like you have this huge benefit of being the winner. Like, you, it's like you won and now you have to clean up the whole mess that you just made. And so it's not like it like balances out and now it's like, oh yeah, well, the cost was worth the benefit. It's like, no, like you are imposing all of these additional costs onto your relationship for what? For your ego? For your pride? Like, that's— to me, that doesn't, that doesn't seem like, um, a sustainable model. And, and so instead, like, when, when it comes to disagreements and arguments and discussions The objective is to, is to win together, is to be playing like a, like playing like a doubles match of tennis or something. Like, it's not like singles. It's like you two against the world, not you two against each other.

It's so easy as you're saying this stuff, it's so easy to forget that you're on the same team, right? Um, I, Kaya and I are both— Kaya and I both are very competitive people.. And we get in some of these little fusses about like, no, I'm right, you're right, you know, who, who's right. And so it's just an interesting perspective that you bring up where when I win an argument or when she wins an argument, yeah, for sure you feel like a winner, but you almost had to like put your partner down in order to win. So I, and I think we experience this a lot with getting ready for church in the morning where— this is just being real here— we'll, we'll get— we'll try to get rolling for church, which is very difficult with us. With, uh, you can hear her right now, little Georgia. It's difficult with like a 15-month-old to get ready for church, you know. I— the days where we can get ready on time, I have her all ready in her outfit. I'm dressed up in my outfit. I still remember this day. I was so proud of myself for us being on time to get out of the door, and she just blows chunks all over me and her. And, and I was like, dang it, this was supposed to be the day. But something I've been trying to do a better job about is instead of when we, when we're late to church, instead of getting in the car and then trying to find blame and like, who can I pass the buck to? Who's to blame for being late to church today, it's just like, no, we're not even gonna— I'm not even gonna bring it up. We're just going to work on being better next week. And so, because ultimately it's a team thing, you know, we're trying to get out the door together. But naturally, my first instinct, and I think Kaya too, like, we want to be like, okay, well, who's to blame here? And so I think the best Sundays that we've had are when I just say, hey, look, we did a really good job today. We made it to church before the hymn started. Or we make a game out of it. And instead of being mad at each other, we're like, hey, let's do this thing. You know, we make it something to be excited for rather than an errand that we have to do. That's just something that comes to mind because you can, I don't know, we bicker about some of the silliest stuff. And it's just, I think we're both really competitive people. That's what it comes down to. And I remind ourselves sometimes, hey, we're on the same team. And that seems to help us get out, whether it be getting out on time or accomplishing something. It's better to remember, like you said, it's a game of doubles, not singles against each other.

Yeah, well, and how often do you find that, let's say the two of you are disagreeing, you're arguing about something, And how often do you realize, maybe in the moment or after the fact, that you were the one that was wrong? And then you just feel like total garbage all the time. I firmly believed this thing and I'm actually completely wrong. It like, it destroys you. It, it like wipes you out, you know? And, and then you just like, you don't feel good afterwards. It's not like, oh, oh, I was just wrong. Okay, no, now, now I'm right. No, like, it'll, it'll wreck you sometimes. And like, I mean, there was one time, like, we were getting ready for church and it was, it was almost 11 o'clock, and I'm like kind of just like, oh, going out, okay, I'll change, I'll go change, I'll get this thing for the baby, I'll do— like, I'm, I'm not like in a rush, you know, I'm just like getting together. And Marissa's like freaking out, and she's like, she's like, uh, and I can tell she's getting antsy, and she's— and it looks like she's like She's got like the car seat by the door. She's like got all— I'm like, what is like, what's going on? Am I missing something? Like, I think, and, and then, uh, I, I thought, does she think church starts at 11? It starts at 11:30. And so then I was like, hey, um, you know, church starts at 11:30, right? And she like froze. And it was just like a glitch. We call them like brain glitches. Like she just in her head, she was thinking church started at 11 instead of 11:30. And so then, but then she like, she kind of felt like junk for a long time, like for the next hour or so, because she was like, in her head, she's like getting frustrated. She's like, she's like, why isn't Jared hurrying up? Why isn't he like, why is he taking his time? Like, why does he think he has time to go and do this? You know, whatever it was, I can't remember what I was doing. But it's because we were like both acting on different information, you know, or this other time that we were, we were supposed to be like, we were supposed to be in a rush to get to a train., and I thought the train left a little bit later than it did. And so I'm over here also totally relaxed, like, oh, we're gonna be just fine. Oh, let me double check. I wanna make sure, you know, we're getting on the right train. And I'm like staring at the, the time board, the departures board, and then the one train in the whole station leaves. And Marisha's like, what is wrong with you? The train just left. And I was like, oh, I, but wasn't it supposed to leave in 10 minutes or in 15 minutes? She's like, no, it leaves at 7:37. I was like, oh, I thought it left at 7:45. Like, dang it, we were both acting on totally different information and, um, and like we were just wrong. And like being wrong doesn't feel good in the same way that like being right and then being quote unquote stuck with the person that's wrong, that also doesn't feel good. Like you, you want to be working together, winning together, and if you're losing, like hopefully you're both losing together and it's not like one of you putting down the other one.

Um, yeah, look at it as a team sport, right? And, uh, I, I, you're talking about making, making decisions based off of the in— an incomplete picture of information. I was reading on this this morning, and it's Start with Why by Simon Sinek. And just because you mentioned it, I'll share this because I thought it was really applicable. But, uh, he, he starts out the chapter by saying, on a cold January day, a 43-year-old man was sworn in as chief executive of his country. By his side stood his predecessor, a famous general who 15 years earlier had commanded his nation's armed forces in a war that resulted in the defeat of Germany. Young leader who raised— the young leader was raised in the Roman Catholic faith. He spent the next 5 hours watching parades in honor— in his honor and stayed up celebrating until 3 o'clock in the morning. And he says, you know who I'm describing, right? And he then shares the date because everybody, everybody thinks JF John F. Kennedy, but it's actually Adolf Hitler. Uh, so it's just an incomplete picture. When, when I read that, I was like, oh yeah, JFK, but it's, uh, Adolf Hitler, right? So it's just the date. He shares the date, January 30th, 1933. And the point is we make assumptions about the world based off of incomplete or false information. And so a lot of our little struggles that we go through are in our head 100%, just like the examples you shared. And the way we get through that is by, I think, asking clarifying questions sometimes. Yeah. Just to say, hey, you know, I'm looking at some of what we have planned for today. We're basically saying, is there anything going on I should know about? Or, hey, yeah, I don't know, like, just, just clear the air to create open lines of communication. That really helps out a ton.

But yeah. Well, that kind of, that kind of leads into, uh, uh, one of the other things I had listed on here, and that's, that's that we, we as spouses— so you and your spouse, um, and basically everyone else around you, you're all going to value things differently, and, and that's perfectly fine and, and probably a very good thing. But it is incredibly important that we talk about what we value and how much we value it. So I think we've mentioned before, like, I really like being in nice cars. I think cars are beautiful. I like— I think they are this beautiful, magnificent, like, work of art and a cool toy, like, all wrapped into one. And you get to, like, sit in it and be in it. And, like, I just— I think cars are so cool. And my wife looks at cars like, I need the car to work, be dependable, reliable, probably not break down all that much, and get me from where I am to where I need to go and fit all the things that I need to fit in it. Like that's it. I couldn't care less what it looks like. I couldn't care less what color it is. Like, I just, it needs to work properly. And I'm over here thinking like, whoa, but cars are so cool and I want it to do this and I want, and I love all these different cars. But like, we value cars so, so differently. And that's a very good thing. Like, it is very, very good that we are not just like echo chambers, you know, amongst ourselves. And I wanted to share a quick story. So my wife and I, Yeah, so usually when, uh, when I ask my wife like where something is, she will get up and go show it to me. She'll show me where it is, wherever it is, wherever around the house or whatever. She'll, oh, oh, it's right here, and she'll like walk me to it. She's like, oh, it's right there. And for a while, like a couple— it was about a year ago, I think— for a while I was like, could you just tell me where it is? Like, I don't need you to stop what you're doing to get to walk me over to where it is. Like, I'm capable of finding things. Like, I just, I need you to tell me where it is and that's it. Like I don't like, I'm not trying to interrupt everything that you're doing. And I know you don't see it as me interrupting you, but I feel bad that you have to stop whatever it is you're doing, get up and take me over to where it is that, um, that this thing is that I'm looking for. And we finally, we had this conversation about it and I was like, I, I feel like you, to me, it feels like you're trying to do this for me. Like you're trying to like baby me about like, could you just tell me where it is so I can go do it myself? I like doing things myself. Um, but to my wife, she would rather— like, to her, it cost her less energy, you could say, to get up and show me where something is than for her to sit there and try to describe to me where something is. And also, I'm actually really bad at looking for things, so there's a really high chance that I'm not going to find it because I'll go and I'll look for things and I won't see them. And then Marisha will still have to then get up, come show me where it is, and I'll be like, oh, it was in plain sight, how did I not see that? Like, that happens over and over and over again. But to me, it's the exact opposite. I will sit and I will, I will talk for 10 minutes saying exactly where something is and how to get to it. And that costs me no energy whatsoever. I'm like, kind of like hyperverbal in a lot of ways. But heaven, like, I am, I am not getting up out of my seat to go show you where it's like, forget that. Like, there's no way that, that is way too much of an energy cost. You could say like, it's no way. My wife and I are like complete opposites. And when we had this conversation about that, it was, it was eye-opening to both of us that like, oh, you act— to you it actually is less costly, um, energy-wise for you to actually just get up and go show it to me. Like, to you that, that doesn't cost you anything, but to me that cost me everything. And I know this is such a trivial example, but it extends out into like so many other layers and aspects of life in, in general. And so like you were saying, like, we have to set expectations. We had to have these conversations. And, and people might say like, oh, well, this is, you know, this is such a small detail. This is such a small thing. It's not a big deal. But the thing is, if you're not in the habit of having conversations with your spouse about everything, then the big things aren't going to get talked about. The small things aren't going to get talked about. And the small things are going to become bigger things. And if they're still not talked about, they're going to continue to grow until they are too big to just talk through.

It's a huge point. I think, like we talked about, like keeping those open lines of communication. And, and this will, this will segue into my, one of the big lessons I have learned in marriage. Uh, but when you talk about marrying somebody who's like an echo chamber, that would just be such a boring way to live. Oh my gosh, somebody agreed with you on everything. And it's funny, I don't know, at BYU there's that, it's just a big dating culture. Everyone's trying to get hitched and married and everything. And there were a couple of girls I dated that I would just say something and be like, yeah, I agree. And the conversation would just stop right there. I'm like, okay, cool. Like that was it. Like there was no extra value to be added to the table. If you look at Kaya and I, we have very different upbringings. She, her parents, I mean, have, uh, they're still married. I have a— I come from a family, a split family. Uh, they're— the way they look about different— the way they look about money is way different than the way I grew up looking at about money. And it's, it's at— the way I look at money now is way different. And the same thing for her. We've kind of found this middle of the road way to look at how we look at money, how we look at marriage, like just so many different things. So the, the The way we— the things that we value are now— they were different when we first got married, and now we both have shared what we value, and we've created our own set of values for our family, or like our own vision for our family. And I think it's so nice to have somebody that comes from a different walk of life. There's a lot of things that we agree on 100%, and that's, you know, when we think about what we want to be teaching our kids, there's a lot of things we agree on there, just like how we want them to be as people. Our faith is— we have the same faith. I think that's a really good thing. We see a lot of things eye to eye politically, but there's some things we disagree with, you know, but in general, it's not like I married somebody completely opposite, but there's differences. Like you said, there are things where we're completely different and 100% opposite, but for those core things, we have a lot of similarities when it comes to faith and just how we ought to be as human beings, right? Like, yeah, it's kind of vague there, but there's, I think you would agree, there are some common with you and Marisha, there's got to be some things where it's like, yeah, we agree on this stuff 100%, that's like some of our foundation, and then you build off on that.

But yeah, well, I can't remember who it was, they were talking about the, the creation, um, the creation of the world and of Adam and Eve, and they, they explained it as, as the creation— the creation isn't over.

And yeah.

How God created the world and Adam and Eve and then gave them dominion over the world and told them to go and work and create and do and, and then like kind of let them loose. And I thought a lot about that because we are— we as creatures are incredibly creative, far more creative than any other animal that has ever existed. And It is like creativity is such a, it's like such a fundamental part of all of us that we are constantly looking for things to do and not just like do to like check the boxes and pass time, but to, to build and create constantly. We are constantly looking for, for ways to build and create. And I think the family is the most important creation that we are going to take part in. That when you, when you find a spouse, like, you are, you are finding a co-creator. Um, and, and when we talk about like having children, like, we literally call it procreation. We are creating more people, and we are creating the family, which is the fundamental unit of society. And I remember I was, when I was in my graduate program, we were talking about how, um, in a lot of ways the state, or like a, like a country, the government is— and it's, it's a really kind of imperfect, but it's an analog of the family. And if you take the family and the home and the structure of that and you expand it outwards, that's how we get to having governments and whatnot. And there are certain things that you have to do to protect the house, to protect your family, in the same way there are certain things you need to do to protect the inhabitants of a country and certain, you know, private property and personal property rights and all these other things. And I remember the person that— one of the other girls in the class, she just said that, that's— she's like, that's, that's wrong. Like, families are completely different than society and from states and governments, and, and like, families are irrelevant to all of that. And I just thought, that is— how did, how did we get that far? From the family. Like, we are only here because of families, and we— like, it is, it is one of our, if not our single greatest responsibility, to raise a good family and to be, you know, to be the— in our, in our case, to be the fathers and husbands, um, of these families in, um what's the word, in, uh, like, in conjunction with our wives who have different but in just as important responsibilities inside of the family. The, the word helpmeet, man, I wish I, I wish I had the words pulled up. Um, so in the Bible, in the book of Genesis, when God creates Eve, um, the word that is used to describe Eve is a helpmate. Helpmeet. To Adam. But the, uh, Hebrew word— I can't remember what the Hebrew word is, but the, the Hebrew word, um, means— it's, it's sort of— it, it indicates like an adversarial component in that you're, you're kind of like pushing up against each other, but in a productive and kind of like forward motion, and that you two are working together and pushing up against each other in a, in a sort of strengthening back and forth, um, that leads you forward. And like you were talking about how, how it's important for us to, to agree, you know, to be on the same page with our spouses, but to not be the same person as our spouse. Like, we need to have someone to push up against, um, because how— like, what else are we gonna do?

Yeah. And I've— yeah, it's just something that when you think about like what you bring to the table as a husband and what the mom, what, you know, the wife brings to the table, you want your kids to be able to have like two different perspectives and to pull from both of those. And I've learned different lessons from my mom, my dad, for all these different people in my life. So we talk a little bit about connection, being on the same page with one another. And this will just segue into kind of what I want to talk about today is just when we talk about like sex within a marriage, it's all about being on the same page and like having a connection. You can hear Georgia right now screaming. Currently playing fetch with her and throwing stuff across the living room and she's coming back and grabbing them. She's fetching them and bringing them back to me.

So that's awesome.

Um, we talk— there's, there's this huge thing right now with like instant gratification that we expect. I think, and this, this ties into how we can hit it, like how people can get those like dopamine hits, right, with sex. There's a lot of different ways that you can just have it instantly, whether that like would be through pornography nowadays. Like you don't have to work to find sex anymore. You could literally go on the computer and just get an instant hit of dopamine. And it's completely changed from what, 30, 40 years ago, right? That wasn't around anymore. But I— sex is something that is intentional. Like, it takes work to have a good, like, sexual sex relationship in a marriage, right? And I think that's one of the, one of the things I learned, I've learned so far, is sex isn't something that just happens. Like, there's effort that needs to go in to have that, to like, to make that happen, right? My dad, you know, I talked about my dad. One of the things that I learned from him too is just like, he would kind of joke about— and actually, this is— I didn't get this one from dad, but there's like a difference between men and women. And like, men are like a toaster, like you can go from 0 to 100. Like just like that. There's like zero activation energy. Whereas, whereas women, like, there needs to be way more involved. Like, it's more like a crock pot, right? It takes a while to heat up, right? Like, you can't just expect someone to go— like, your wife to go zero to 100. There's a lot that needs to happen beforehand. And, you know, whether that be music, candles, like massages, conversations, like time spent together. I like the quote that you shared with me earlier. It said, if you want to have good sex tonight, do the dishes today. Like, like, that's something I learned at BYU was the men that do all of the water chores, like dishes, cleaning toilets, doing like cleaning around the home, they actually have a better sex life because they're actually putting forth effort to help the house move smoothly. But it's just something I've learned so far is that you can't just expect that to just happen. And You know, I, I try to do my best to like communicate with my wife too. Like sometimes when you get— when, when you're married and there's kids and there's jobs and everything, you almost actually have to plan things too. Um, like, hey, this night we're going to set aside time to spend time with one another and have sex. Like, that's just sometimes how we have to go about doing things. Um, but just realizing that it's not It's not something that, that you can just like have happen to you and you're done. Like, there's actually effort that goes into that.

Um, yeah, statistically speaking, the highest levels of sexual satisfaction are in, um, monogamous married relationships. Like, without— and it's not even, it's not even like just kind of a little bit. No, it is, it is leaps and bounds better than any other form of relationship whatsoever. Like, if you want to have it, even if you are an incredibly selfish, self-gratifying, like hedonistic, it's all about me, the best thing for you to do to have the highest quality sex life is to get married and devote your time and energy towards serving your wife.

Uh-huh.

That's it. That is how you will have— you'll have sex more frequently, it'll be better, and your satisfaction levels will go through the roof. And yeah, like, it, it absolutely blows my mind that— well, it doesn't blow my mind that that's the case. It blows my mind that people don't realize how important all of that effort is. Because the— here's one of the, like, one of the things about, like, pornography um, or, uh, like one-night stands or really, really short-term relationships kind of created around just the act of sex is that it does not take into consideration the whole person concept. It is just taking one small part of a person, of what it means to be a person, a human. It's taking just one tiny part of that and that's it. And you are missing out on 99% of life. And I mean, if you think about it, like, you spend 99% of your life not having sex. Yeah, obviously. Like, and so if you want to enjoy that 1% of your life, then you've got to have a great 99% of life. You've got to be working hard towards giving your entire life and soul and energy and love and heart and everything to this other person so that when you guys go to your bedroom, you can have great sex. Like, great sex is a, is a byproduct of all of this work, all of this, like, like the hours and hours of doing the dishes, of having good conversations, about talking about your expectations for each other, talking about your vision for your life and the excitement that you guys have towards pursuing goals together as a family. Um, creating a family together intentionally and overcoming obstacles. Like, all of these things bring you two together as a team. And then as a byproduct of being a great team, you'll have great sex. And, and then on, on top of that, like, just like any other activity, as life gets more and more complicated, you got to schedule when you're going to go to the gym, you got to schedule when you're going to get up in the morning and read your books and study scriptures. You're gonna have to schedule when you're gonna get together with friends. Like, you have to schedule all these things. And people might say like, oh, well, that takes out— like, there's— where's the romance and the spontaneity of life? Where's all that? Like, well, where do you have time for all of that spontaneity? Because, yeah, like, lives are busy, you know? And you'll find that like, as you schedule time to be together, then you're like shutting out distractions and you're telling your spouse like, hey, I want to set this amount of time aside for you and for us. So let's, let's put aside all of the other chores and the worries and everything of the day, and let's just focus on each other for this, you know, for this period of time. And like, you should probably have conversations about like what things you do like, what things you don't like, what things you wanna try, like new things that like, it's all, it's, it's a skill. Like, it is, it is a skill that you develop with your partner together. And as you and your spouse, like, literally practice these skills, and you, you learn more about yourself, you learn more about your spouse, you learn more about your history, your preconceptions about, about life, about sex, about the human body, like all of these things, you're like discovering that together. And the longer that you're married, the more changes that are going to happen, you're going to maybe be interested in new things, or maybe be excited by new things or different things than you were a couple years ago. Like, life changes and it's so rich and fun and good. And if you want to have a, like, an evolving, uh, satisfaction or satisfactory— or not, not satisfactory in like the, you know, satisfactory or great— like, I mean, like, like a genuinely satisfactory sex life, you have to have conversation. You've got to be working towards it. Like, this is something that you've got to be working towards. Together with your spouse. It's not just gonna happen.

Yeah, and I think that he touched on a great point, like, fill— and the way I interpreted it was fill your spouse's bucket and your bucket will be filled, right? Like, I— one of my good buddies, Jeremy Davis, would always tell me, like, hey, like, the more you focus on your spouse and the more you serve them The more your bucket will be filled. And that's everything. Like how you treat them. We talked about this last episode too, like the how you treat somebody, it'll be reciprocated right back to you. So if I'm ever being— I always, I use the word turd. If I'm being— that's just the word we use in Paris, right?

Yeah.

If I'm ever being a turd, then I usually get that reciprocated right back to me. Uh, but if I'm being kind, caring, I'm serving, then usually like it just comes right back. And you touched a lot about on like the one night stands. And, and I don't know if this is like a theme, but I hear a lot of, whether it be within my work communities or, you know, at the gym, right? You hear a lot of people that have big locker room talk about the one-night stands, or, you know, there's people in, in all of our lives, wherever you're at, uh, work, school, who, who just talk and talk and talk about this stuff. And I often wonder, like, why is there a need? Why is there the need to talk about it? And I was with a group of guys a while back, and they just talked and talked and talked about sex. And it was like a very, in a very vulgar form. And I'm sitting there thinking, like, I'm a married man, I've got a kid, I don't talk about sex in this way. But they're not married. They weren't married. They didn't have a constant companion. And in my head, I'm just thinking, I have way more sex than they do, and it's way more fulfilling. But I don't just— I don't need to, like, to gloat about it, right? And I think part of that is because, like, they're—

that's—

it's not a fulfilling thing to have a one-night stand. It's not a fulfilling thing to, you know, have a fling with somebody for a week and then you're left without a partner and somebody to— we all want to be loved and cared for, and we all want to have that connection.. And I think me and you talked about this a couple of weeks ago. It's like, guys are, we, we have a sensitive side. Like we really do want to be loved and feel connection. We're not just horny, like monsters, like, like that the world will portray us to be. It's like, no, like that time with my wife is so important. Uh, I talk about, I tell Kaya a lot, like for me, I don't need a whole lot to be happy. In marriage. I need to feel appreciated. I need to feel like, I, like, hey Austin, thanks so much for working hard. Thanks for doing these things. What's funny is when I'm, when I'm appreciated, I do way more around the house. I joke with Kaya, I'm like, if you tell me that my arms look good, and I've got strong arms, I'll do like, I'll clean the whole house. Like that little compliment can just like, get me so excited or just a simple compliment like, hey, I appreciate you, thanks for doing this. Yeah, that goes a long way. And then the second thing is just like time together, physical touch, like the connecting through sex, like that's huge for me. So if I'm appreciated and we have good quality time together, it's not always sex, sometimes it's just eating a good meal together without our phones out, right? That good quality time, uh, that's huge for me. And so reason I touch on that is just because I think there is a misconception that men are just like these monsters that just want to have sex. No, it's— yeah, we, we, we crave being loved and loving and being loved. And so I think that that's where you find a lot of that. Like, guys are looking for the quick dopamine hit because quite frankly, it's hard to find a spouse. It's hard to go through the dating game. But that's the only way that you can find that long-lasting fulfillment. And actually have— look, you know, these guys that I, that I have connections— that I, that I have had interactions with, they want to have a fulfilling, fulfilling sex life, but they're going about it in a way that will literally never lead to that. Like, it won't. So just, just thought it's worth sharing and, um, yeah, you know, kind of diving into that a little bit.

Well, and going back to this concept of like, you know, filling up their bucket before, and, and your bucket will be filled in, in the process. Um, studies, studies have been done to show that, that, um, people feel greater levels of sexual satisfaction in the pursuit of satisfying their sexual partners more than the actual receipt of, um, like sexual favors. Um, So we actually, uh, we, we come to experience greater levels of sexual satisfaction in trying to please our partners, not in the receipt of our partners pleasing us. Like, that's so insane. And, and I remember, you know, um, it was only like a few months after, uh, after Marisha and I had gotten married that I started to notice that for myself that I actually got really excited by the, by the prospect of doing things for my wife. And not just, not just, um, like in our sexual relationship, but in, in life in general. Like, I actually, I love buying my wife clothes. Yeah, I don't know why. I really don't know why. I don't, I don't really know where it comes from. I think maybe it's because I like the dopamine rush of purchasing things, and that's, you know, like, that's something I need to work on. But also, I know that like My wife doesn't just go out and buy clothes for herself. So I— and, and it's not that I have any issues with any of the clothes that she wears. Like, I think my wife's beautiful and I love the things that she wears, but I also want her to have— like, I want her to be able to, um, to, to have some— like, to have some new clothes, to have some, you know, some, um, just like a little bit of newness and freshness to, to her life. And especially in an area where, like, she, she appreciates having good high-quality clothes and feeling good and looking good in like really good functional clothes that she can wear. But she also, she's not, she's not as inclined to go spend money, um, and especially not on herself. So if I have the opportunity to go and spend money on my wife, like in for, for clothes, I get really excited by it. And it's like way more exciting for me than it probably is for my wife. I mean, she's like always really appreciative of it, but I'm like, I get so excited., and I just feel so happy about it. And so, um, that's like a— that, you know, taking it out of the, the context of like the sexual relationship, the more excited we can become in doing things for our spouse, the greater levels of happiness and satisfaction we're going to feel in our own lives, on top of all the, of the benefits that they're going to be receiving by you doing all of these things for them. Does that make sense?

Yeah, no, and I've, I've experienced that too, like with, I don't know if you've ever experienced this, my wife, she's not huge on flowers, but I get more satisfaction out of buying her flowers than she gets from actually having them. I just feel so like, man, like I'm really, I'm doing something sweet for my wife. And my wife just looks at them and she's like, they're going to die soon. You know, like, uh, so she, she much she appreciates like a plant, even though those die, but more like 6 months later, we struggle to keep our plants alive at this house. But no, I like that you share that. So there's so much more fulfillment. And there's so much more fulfillment in doing things for others. And it's so funny. It's like, when we lose our lives and we pursued it, we— and we want to serve others, we actually find our lives, right? And so, you know, this is way bigger than just our sex lives. This is just life in general, where we— when we're focused on serving others, we are way happier. We actually have way more in the tank too when we're trying to— oh yeah, serve other people. Cool study. I don't know what book I read this in. There's a study done, and the, the subjects of this study were put in a dark room, and the floor would shift randomly in different directions. And the subjects were told to stand up, like, to, to get up a certain amount of times so that they could, you know, study the way the body fell. Well, in one group, it was like a competition, right? And so you could win a certain amount of money if you stood up the most, right? If you got up enough times, the floor would shift underneath you, you would stand back up. And, you know, if you won, you got a certain amount of cash. And don't quote me 100% on this, it could be wrong. But the second group was a group of people that were told, hey, we're studying how elderly people fall so that we can better help them.. And there wasn't any cash reward. It was completely selfless. Well, the guys that were put in that group actually got up way more times. They participated in the experiment way more times because they knew that they were serving somebody else. So it just goes to show, like, when you are doing something for other people, uh, you have way more willpower. Way more determination. And that's why we talk a lot about, like, in my job, we talk a lot about sales, knowing your why, like, why are you doing this? You know, it's for other people too. And when you're selfless and you focus on what benefit you can bring to other people, like when I focus on myself at work, I get in, you know, a woe is me attitude. But when I focus on my family and serving my family and providing for them, I can do way more, and it's way more of a pleasure rather than— it's way more of a fun experience rather than a task that I have to accomplish. So just worth sharing.

Well, uh, let's, um, let's go ahead and talk a little bit about these commitments, Austin. Yeah, I'm, um, kind of excited about them. Um, so we— something that we want to do is to extend some commitments out there to people. Um, kind of on our monthly basis. And I know, um, with the episode, uh, so not, not the most recent episode but the episode before that, the commitment we had talked about was, um, for personal development. So reading, um, yeah, there was reading books or listening to a certain episode of, um, Ed Mylett and his, in his podcast. I finished the book Power of Habit, um, which was the book that I was reading at the time, and I am now currently reading Built to Last. Which is a book about visionary successful companies. It's going great. Austin, what have you been reading?

So I'm currently reading Start With Why. I am at chapter 3 right now. The reason I'm reading this is because I really want to get clear on my vision for my life and some of the goals that I have are going to require me to really dig deep on why I want to do it. Um, like my summer goal is to, is to service 1,500 accounts, and that's very, very difficult. Um, in order to accomplish something like that, I have to really connect with my why. And so that's, that's one of the reasons I'm reading this. So I'll keep you posted on the things I'm learning from that. And in addition, I've just been diving into podcasts that just make me feel good. I'm trying to stay aware of like, hey, what— how is this making me feel? So when I listen to— this is just completely random— when I listen to like a, a crime podcast, uh, I'm listening to a podcast about my city, Winder, Georgia, and all of the mafia that came from here. Very fascinating stuff, very fascinating history lessons. But, uh, I get way way more out of when I focus on like, hey, something like personal development, something that helps me grow as a person. So, um, I get way more out of stuff like this. So that's what I'm working on right now. I think we'll— you can hear Georgia in the background. Um, but, uh, I think we'll— I, I'll extend the commitment for this, this month's commitment. Yeah. And we talk a lot about like being on the same page in our marriage and growing together. You talk about being on a team. We want to, we want to extend to all married men out there to sit down with your wife and talk about the vision you guys have for your marriage and allow yourself to dream really, really big. Jared, you mentioned one time that we rarely— we dream a lot by ourselves, but we rarely ever have the opportunity to dream with somebody else. And I think a lot of good can come from that when we team up with somebody. And, and we talked about having different values. We can have these amazing visions if we team up with somebody. So ask your wife, like, what does a vision look like? Or what do you want your family— what do you want the— our family life to look like? What is, uh, what does our financials look like? What does our sex life look like? What is our— what did our free time look like? What are we doing together in our free time? And I think this will open up a lot of lines of communication to really get clear about what you guys want to achieve in life.

Yeah, there's a, an interesting, um, an interesting fact about oxen. Um, I might have the numbers a little bit wrong, but I believe one oxen can pull about 6,000 pounds of weight, but two oxen yoked together, they can pull about 20,000 pounds of weight, which is far more than double just the 6,000. And I think that entirely applies to our— not just to our capacity to, to carry burdens, well, you know, together with our spouses, but as well as dreaming and dreaming big and achieving those dreams. I know that I will be able to achieve more in my life by having a wife and dreaming with her together than I would if I was alone. For sure. Like, that's not a question in my mind at all. And I remember the first time that I kind of shared some of my dreams with my wife. I want to have a tremendous influence for good around the world. That is one of the things that really drives me. And my wife and I have had several conversations about what that could look like, you know, okay, what if we decided to take international teaching jobs? Um, and that could take us to all these different places. And this is what our life could look like, um, if our children were this age, if our children were this age. Okay, what if it looked like if you stayed in the Air Force for 20 years, for 30 years? Like, what would that look like? What would our life look like, um, if our children were this age and this age and this age? Or what if we, um, have enough money saved up that we can actually, like, retire early from, um, formal work and we decide to devote our time towards serving missions for our church as like older married couples, but at a much younger age. And we, and we start going and serving and doing and just spending our lives, um, you know, just living off of the, um, off of the interest of the money that we've saved and invested and just going and doing things around the world that aren't related to earning money. Like, what could our life look like in so many different ways? And it's by, by having a spouse who's on the same page as me, it allows us to dream together, um, both like what things do I personally want to accomplish out of my— in my life, as well as what things does my wife want to accomplish in her life, and what things do we together want to accomplish, and what things could we do together. Maybe I have to— maybe I'll tailor a little bit some of the dreams that I have so that they could mesh well with some of the dreams that my wife has, and, and so we could do these, we could accomplish these things together, and Um, I just, I don't, I don't know if we dream enough with anybody, you know, let alone— I mean, I don't think we dream enough personally, let alone with somebody else, you know, especially the single most important person in our life. So yeah, yeah, huge.

I think you touched on a really cool subject there, was like even our occupations, like those are good things to talk about. My wife is— it's not her job, like it's not an in— it doesn't provide income, but her thing is weightlifting, right? And I've made sure that she knows like, 'Hey, by the way, you know, let me know how long you want to do this weightlifting thing. I'll support you 100%.' But you talked about tailoring our careers according to what our spouses want to do, or some of our decisions. Like, our decision to move to Georgia was made because my wife wants to do weightlifting, and our decision to stay in Georgia is a lot of— has a lot to do with her weightlifting. You know, we've made a lot of friends here, but You know, after my wife is done with her weightlifting, it almost, you know, I'll stay with my company for at least another 2 years, but it almost opens the doors for me to think, hey, what else do I want to do? You know, if I do want to do something else. So we've been trying to have some of these conversations about, hey, what does our life look like? When do we want to have— my wife and I were just talking last night, like, hey, do we want to have another kid down the road? When would that be? What would it look like? How old would Georgia be? So it's fun to think about these things instead of just living life by default. You can live it by design. So that's our invitation to you guys is just sit down with your spouse. And this can be if you're— if you have kiddos running around, maybe even after the kiddos are down for bed. And this is just another really important thing, just in a marriage, connecting and talking about what you envision your life to look like together. So I like what you said. Your wife makes you a better man. And same thing with my wife. Like, we joke a lot about what my life would look like right now if I was not married to Kaya, and I would still be wearing socks that don't match, and I'd still have an Avengers, an Avengers comforter, right? Like, that was my joke. That was like, uh, my freshman year of college. That was my birth control, right? That was, uh, an Avengers, an Avengers comforter. Um, But, uh, no, it's, it's, it's huge, I think. And, and, uh, if you take anything from this episode, guys that are listening, if you're not married, like, I think you, you ought to have conversations with some of the girls you date once you kind of get to a point where you're comfortable to kind of talk about what you want out of life. Really get an idea of what they envision their life looking like. And I think, yeah, Jared and I could both back up the, the fact that it's, it's worth it to go through that. Sometimes really hard dating process. You know, I've been dumped, I've dumped people, but it's worth it to go through and find somebody that you can spend the rest of your life with and to build a family with. And this episode, you heard a lot of Georgia in the background. Just, you know, that's just— but that's a beautiful thing. Having a kid and building a family together is so much fun.

So yeah, I remember real quick, show the story before we wrap up. I was— I had gone on a couple dates with this girl, um, back in college, and we were sitting in her car after, uh, kind of like this group date, um, and like I was about to like go back inside. We were just talking, we've been talking for a while, and she was— I was finishing up college, it was— I was in my last year, and she still had, I don't know, 2 years, 3 years left. Like she was kind of just starting her undergraduate degree., and I had been thinking a lot about, like, life. What do I want out of life? What kind of a vision do I have, you know, for, for, for my whole life? I don't know. And I asked her, I was like, hey, what do you, like, what do you want to get out of college? Like, you're in college now, like, you'll finish with a degree, but like, what do you hope to get out of it, you know, being here? And she looked at me and she goes, I don't know, I've never thought about that before. And that was it. That was the end of the conversation. And I was like, we sat there in silence for— felt like 10 minutes, it was probably only like 30 seconds. But I was like waiting for her to like respond. Like, you know, she was like— I thought maybe she was like thinking about it and then gonna say something.

Nothing.

Zero. And I was like, all right, okay, that was the end of that conversation. Probably gonna be the end of this relationship too because Yeah, these things matter, you know, being able to, being able to think about what we want out of life. And it's not that, you know, it's not that she's incapable of, you know, I, I don't want to speak ill about her in, in other ways, but like, no, yeah, it's important to, to be able to have these conversations with somebody like, hey, I want this out of life, and like, what do you want out of your life? And maybe these things match up, maybe they line up, maybe we could do something really cool together, you know. Like, you, you talked about how when, um, you and Kai were like— I don't know if you had even started formally dating, but she was like, yeah, whoever, uh, you know, whoever marries me is gonna have to be okay with going to Georgia. You're like, all right, sounds good, let's make it happen.

You know, like, that was me. I said, I said, done, let's do it. So yeah, as soon as she said that, I was like, okay, cool, I'll move to Georgia. Where are we going? Like, so that was the, uh I think that's when she realized, okay, like this, this guy's actually serious about like supporting me and my goals too. And that's been something I've been really big on is like just supporting my wife and some of these weightlifting goals and however she needs it, you know, whatever, whatever that looks like, uh, really helping her be the best she can be as, as a mom and, and as a weightlifter, if you know, for as long as she chooses to pursue that. So it's fun to dream with your spouse. It's fun to create. Uh, the life. It's fun to create a life by design as opposed to just going through your day-to-day tasks. And like we said, like, really ask yourself, what do you want? And if it's— if what you have in life is exactly what you want, then great, continue doing it. But just don't fall victim to going through the motions and, and not knowing, yeah, what you're doing things for. Being aware of why you're doing things, having intent, right?

Yeah. All right, Austin, it is just before 8 o'clock your time, so it looks like your wife is going to get her Bachelor tonight. So, um, thank you so much for having this conversation. And to everyone listening, I really hope you got something, um, out of this. And if you, if you found value in this conversation, please send this episode to a friend, to family member, to an enemy, to someone that you don't like. I don't know, send it to everybody. Uh, we like, we, we really just want to spread, um, spread this good message and to have, to have these conversations with more people. Um, and, and I hope We hope that by, you know, doing this podcast in this format that you feel like you can be a part of this conversation too. Austin and I don't— we don't take ourselves too seriously, but we do think that this— we do think that it is important to have these conversations, and we're open to learning and to trying and to failing and to moving forward. So, well, Austin, I just really appreciate having this conversation with you, brother.

Yeah, same to you, man. Until next time.