Biggest Lessons Since Getting Married - Part 1 | Ep. 2

Welcome back to the Rising Tribe. I'm Jared, and I just wanted to put this disclaimer here real quick before we get started. Austin and I had such an awesome time recording this conversation that we decided to actually split it up into two parts. So stay tuned for part two coming out here real soon. But for now, enjoy part one of the lessons that we've learned in our marriages so far. Welcome to The Rising Tribe. I'm Jared.

And I'm Austin.

And our goal is to inspire men to build strong families and discover their potential as men, husbands, and fathers.

And we do this by having authentic conversations about faith, family, health, and business as we strive to uplevel our lives and the lives around us. So Jared, we both hopped on today and I noticed we both had our materos ready to go. Hot water ready to go. I'm, I'm, uh, sipping on some CBC and it's, uh, guaraná flavored. I just gotta ask, I almost grabbed, I almost grabbed that.

I have it, I literally have it in the cupboard right now. Um, I almost grabbed the guaraná. Now I'm drinking the Cruz de Malta and it's the, uh, menta in boldo flavor, so it's like extra light. I'm a big fan of the mint.

Dude, that the Cruz de Malta is pretty like pretty amarga, really bitter from what I remember. I'm not, I don't know, but the CBC, I've always liked it. Cause like they've got the guaraná flavor and then they've got like some fruity flavors. They've got some fun ones like grapefruit, orange.

Yeah. Yeah. First, when I first started drinking, uh, yerba mate, I, I could only do the fruity flavors with a ton of sugar. I was like, it has to be. So sweet. Otherwise I'm not drinking this. But then like 6 months later, one day I just woke up and I was like, I want the most bitter Jägermeister there is. And that's what got me hooked on it.

So good, man. I, I, I, uh, yeah, I remember like not liking it at all, but it just became, you know, for our morning studies during our missions, like it became so associated with, with a good study. So now like, I don't know that I actually like the flavor that much. Like I do, but I'm wondering like, is it just the feeling or like the nostalgia? That I get behind it and like all the good memories. But hey, we'll, uh, we'll see. I always joke with— there were some missionaries that came over the other day and they took a sip and I'm like, see, it, uh, it tastes like grass, but just take away the G and the R.

And so anyways, so anyway, dude, well, what's funny is, uh, Bill Perkins actually wrote a book called Die With Zero, and it's a book about how he thinks a lot of people are over-saving Um, like people that are, you know, good about saving money often save too much money and they don't think about having the experiences they want in life at the right phase of their life. And so they end up like scrimping and saving for a really long time, missing out on opportunities that they could really only do at a young age, like, you know, going wakeboarding or something and then waiting until, you know, you're 65 and you're retired to then be like, well, now I have the time and money to go wakeboarding. And have a boat, but I can't use them anymore because I'm so old, you know. And so one of the things he talks about though is when we have a, when we have like an experience, um, like, you know, drinking mate, every time you drink mate, like now, you're reliving a little bit of every one of those experiences from before. And so it's kind of like getting paid dividends on those experiences that you had you know, years ago. And I, I think that's part of what makes the, uh, the appeal to it so strong is that we've had, you know, mate, I don't know, hundreds of times, uh, you know, when we were missionaries. And now, like, drinking it, I, I mean, I think it tastes good. That, or like all my taste buds are dead.

I like it.

I just like it anyway. Uh, but it's also like a small reminder of all of those great memories, and learning experiences, bonding experiences. I know I bought a bunch of, a bunch of different mates and materos with companions of mine, housemates of mine. And so a lot of those, like, those cups that I have, like, they remind me of people and experiences.

Yeah, they mean different things. It's fun, man. I like that we do it. So it gets good conversation going. So I, uh, I mean, I'll let you kind of introduce our topic this month. Valentine's Day, right? Coming up tomorrow.

No, I'm I'm really excited. We, we had this idea to, um, to talk about the things that we've learned in marriage so far. Um, and well, there's a lot of things because we both started off on a pretty rough patch, uh, starting with our engagement stories. So I am really excited to hear, uh, the story of how you and Kai got engaged, because from what I remember, she did not say yes the first time around.

So she did turn me down round one. So I'll explain kind of how that happened. So, you know, we had decided that we wanted— it's not that bad where she said no to my face, right? We had decided that we wanted to get married and, you know, ended up— I ended up going ring shopping. So she kind of knew that something could happen. And I took her shopping and I decided, you know, what ring do I want to get her? I ended up getting the ring. So We fast forward to the big day where I'm going to ask her to marry me, and I decided to get her sister to help me get all of the, you know, engagement stuff ready. So fun backstory here before I get into the engagement. Um, we're getting everything ready. I, I went over to Kaya's sister's house often to get everything set for the engagement. I drop off flowers there. To kind of make sure that I had all my stuff, you know, vases. I was going to do a cute little picnic scene. So I had the flowers, the vases, Martinelli drinks, you know, your, your, your cider and some, you know, really cute vases, you know, cups for that. So long story short, with me going over to her sister's house all the time in my black CR-V, at one point her sister's neighbor approaches her and goes, hey, 'So what about that black CRV that's like all the way always over at your house? Like, who is that?' Totally like wondering, like, why is there a guy coming over to your house dropping off flowers? No, but really it was like my staging, like my home base for the engagement. But, uh, it was so funny. Hopefully this doesn't get around back to this lady, but she just goes, 'Who is that guy?' And Asha just says, 'Oh, that's my brother-in-law. He's planning his engagement. And the lady just goes, oh, didn't say anything else after that.

Like nothing, nothing.

So it's just like, I'm like, well, totally think something going on there. Long story short, I end up going to pick Kaya. I end up going to— I'm going to tell Kaya, I'm going to— hey, I'm going to pick you up for dinner tonight and we're going to go out. So Kaya is lifting weights in Utah and she calls me and says, hey, where are you? And I said, hey, I'm at BYU. Lift. I'm at BYU doing my studies right now. Um, I'll see you later tonight. Well, what I was actually doing is I was driving to her sister's house to pick up the roses, the flower, like the roses, the Martinellis, the, the champagne glasses. And I told her, I was like, yeah, I'm studying, don't worry about it, I'll pick you up later. And I'm driving to her sister's house, and in my rearview mirror I see Kaya's car, like, right behind me. So I'm like, I'm like sinking down into my seat hoping that she doesn't see me. Meanwhile, Kaya's calling me a ton, like, what's going on? And I get stopped at a red light and she can see my car. She sees the plate and I'm like, crap. Like, she knows that I'm doing something other than what I told her. And now she thinks I'm up to something. So I lose her. And I speed off. And I go to— I go to her grandma's house to drop off— I'm sorry, to pick up something for the engagement. I go to her grandma's house, I pick up some stuff for the engagement. And she was heading to her grandma's house too. So I parked all the way down the road. And I booked it like into the house and I ran across the street, thinking that I could get inside of her grandma's house to pick up some stuff for the engagement before she got in.. And me and, and as Kaya's turning the corner to her grandma's house, she just sees me booking it across the street and like running into her grandma's house. Well, I get inside and I tell their grandma, like, I'm trying to engage the Kaya. She shouldn't know that I'm here. I think she saw me. I need to hide. And so I hide behind her bed. And when Kaya comes home, she goes, Grandma, like, did you see Austin somewhere? Like, he's here. I saw him. And her— I made her grandma lie and say, no, I don't know where he's at. So Kaya still gives me crap for this to this day about making her grandma lie. But I hide behind the bed and we wait till Kaya leaves to go over to her sister's house or something. I forget where she was at this point, but I sneak out of the house and I meet up with Kaya's sister to, to set up a, like, proposal site. By, uh, Utah Lake, and it's just really pretty area. We're gonna do it at sunset. And it turns out I met up with Asha, and I— we found out that there was a wedding going on at the exact same site that I wanted to propose to Kaya at. And we just like scramble. We're like, what do we do? Like, I've got to pick up Kaya for, for, for quote-unquote dinner. Uh, what are we gonna do? And, um, I told Asha, I said, take everything. Asha had her baby at the time, Atlas, was trying to juggle a baby, all of the camera equipment, and all of this other, you know, all these materials that I'd given her. I'm like, just take it somewhere and I'll just meet you wherever you put it. Like, just drop a pin on your iPhone and just show me where to go and I'll propose to Kaya there. Well, I end up going to pick up Kaya, and Kaya is like super suspicious of what I'm doing. And I'm like, don't worry, nothing's going on. And meanwhile, I just start driving randomly, waiting for a pin to show up on my phone. I was like, well, I guess I'm just gonna drive. And she goes, where are you going? And I said, I literally don't even know, I'm just gonna keep driving this car. Well, uh, turns out I, I just told Asha, I was like, just let's forget about it, we're not gonna do this thing. Like, it didn't work, there was a wedding at the venue, this, this thing wasn't supposed to work out. Well, we go out to dinner at Texas Roadhouse and Kaya just wouldn't stop asking me like, hey, what's going on? Like, she was really suspicious of everything, like seeing me— like I was lying about where I was. And then we're just going to dinner at Texas Roadhouse and she's like, what's going on? And I told her, I was like, well, look, you want to know the honest truth? I've got your ring in my pocket and I was going to— I was going to propose to you, but it didn't work. There was somebody getting married at the spot. And she goes, oh, okay. And so I just felt like a complete loser, which, you know, rewinding this, it gets worse. It gets way worse. But rewinding this a little bit more, uh, as you, as you know, we've talked about before in this episode, my dad passed away years prior. And so I didn't really have that like fatherly figure to call and be like, hey dad, how do I do this? Well, one uncle, my Uncle Todd, walked me through it and he was like, hey, you'll be nervous. You know, like, things could go wrong, but just, it's okay. Just, just calm down. You know, it'll work out, Austin. And he shared with me his story, like, really good advice, you know, like, kind of empathizing with me. My other uncle I call, he's from New Jersey, and he goes, Austin, you want to know my advice? Don't suck. So that was it. He just said, don't suck. Um, but I ended up sucking bad at my engagement, at my engagement. So, uh, we're at dinner and I just thought, you know what, I just felt like a complete loser. I totally bailed on— I totally really didn't make this thing work. And, uh, I think Kaya kind of felt bad for me, also was a little bummed that she was gonna get proposed to and then didn't. So we're kind of— we kind of both felt sad, right? But, um, anyways, I'm driving home and I had the best idea. I was like, well, I could still— I could still do this thing and go back to that spot at night and give Kaya like a little speech about how things always don't go as planned but we make it work because we love each other. So I ended up going back to the lake where I was going to propose to, park my car. We get out of the car and it— there are mosquitoes everywhere, like everywhere. And so I take her out to the dock and it's just pitch black and we like— I'm like, let's just lay down and look at the stars. Well, we're lying down looking at the stars, Kaya gets bit by a mosquito on her eyelid, so her eye is swollen. And, um, so I, I just like, hey Kaya, I do my speech. I'm like, Kaya, things don't always go as planned, but You know, we'll always make it work. I said, stand up. And I got on one knee and I started to reach in my pocket and Kyle's like, no, no, no, no, no, don't do it. And I'm like, no, what? And as I like give up, I see these— I— there's a bright, bright headlights in the background and there's a tow truck there to tow my car for parking late at night at the lake. And so, I mean, talk about just not following my uncle's advice of not just don't suck. It was bad. So, you know, I ended up trying again like 2 days later. And ultimately she said yes. It was the picture-perfect proposal and it all worked out. But it's funny because when I proposed to Kaya, I wrote her a letter and at the very bottom of the letter, it's a picture of me proposing at a dock. But that never happened. So anyways, that is my proposal story. Luckily, she said yes the second time. And here we are, married in Georgia with a baby named Georgia.

So, yeah, you guys have been married how long now?

3 years, man.

Just over 3 years, dude.

Yeah, it's been— and we've learned— I've learned a lot. And then, you know, that's what we're going to talk about tonight. But I know that you have had a— had an interesting proposal, or hectic is what you told me.

Oh, man. Hectic is the right word. So Marisha and I, we had already talked about getting married and we— I had found a ring. I was working with her sister, knew like what ring wanted to get her, and I ordered the ring. And this was so the— I was, I was at Ubisoft at this time. And the academy shut down in March. This was, uh, this is March, the middle of March. Academy shut down when COVID really broke out. This is 2020. And they sent the lower 3 classes home, freshmen, sophomores, and juniors. They sent them all home. So it was just seniors on campus. That's it. And they shut, they like locked down campus for a month. And Marisha was living in Colorado Springs at the time. Like it was like a 20-minute drive or so to her house, something like that. And we couldn't see each other for that whole month, which like sucked. And because of COVID they were sanitizing all packages that came into base. So if like at the post office, they would take your package, they'd spray it with Lysol or whatever, and then they'd leave it and it would— they would like quarantine the packages for days. And no one ever knew like when you— when your stuff was gonna arrive. And Um, we, we were supposed to graduate in May. They pushed our graduation to the middle of April, um, because of some really, uh, horrible things that were going on at the time. So they're like, fast forward, and they're gonna like, okay, you guys are gonna go, um, you guys are gonna like graduate early. And what's gonna happen is you're gonna graduate, and then you have to go home, wherever home is for you, and you have to stay there for 2 months, like wherever home is. And so I was gonna have to, uh I was going to graduate on April 18th, and then I was going to have to drive to California from Colorado. I was going to have to stay at my mom's house for the next 60 days, just quarantining at my mom's house. Like, and you were not allowed to travel, you were not allowed to leave or go anywhere. Normally this is when everyone like goes on vacation, goes to Europe, or travels around the world during these 2 months of like free vacation time. But instead, we— everyone went home like to their parents' house and stayed there. So I'm thinking like, I'm supposed to propose to Marisha at some point during this whole time. Like, I don't know when, but now I don't really have the option to kind of like make it work. And so I'm like talking to my older brother, uh, right, because I also know my dad like talked to— and so I'm like talking to my older brother. I was like, do I— what do I do? Do I like propose to her over FaceTime or something? Like, I don't— how do I do it? Do I record a video and like somehow plant this ring at her house that like she then goes on this like video scavenger hunt and finds the ring and like It's like a virtual— like, I had no idea what I was supposed to do because like I wasn't going to be able to go to her house. Finally, I'm like, uh, Marisha is— at the time she was learning how to solve a Rubik's Cube because I was a— I'm a, I'm a pretty big Rubik's Cube nerd. So she was learning to solve a Rubik's Cube, and I knew that, um, Rubik's Cubes have— speed cubes have this like empty space kind of inside between the pieces, and I was like pretty sure that it was like big enough that you could stick a ring inside of it. And so I was like, dude, well, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to like talk to her sister. I'm going to sneak off base. I'm going to get this ring, or I'm going to get the cube. Then I'm going to stick the ring inside the cube. She still doesn't fully know how to solve it. And then I'm going to tell her over the phone how to solve the cube. And then I'll tell her how to like pop the piece out, and then she can like pull the ring out and she'll have the ring.. And then like, you know, it's like a sort of like a virtual, the proposal, but she has the ring in person kind of thing. And like coming up with 50 different ideas on how to do this. Well, it's like coming up to game time. It's like April, it's April 17th, the day before graduation. And we were given permission to go off base to get packing supplies because like we all have to pack out and like leave. And a lot of people don't have buckets or bins or tape or anything like that. And so they were like, you were allowed to go to Walmart. And that's it. You can only go to Walmart. And so I text my sister-in-law, Marisha's sister. I'm like, hey, steal Marisha's Rubik's Cube and meet me in the parking lot of Walmart tonight. And so we meet up in the parking lot, I get the cube, and I'm like— I go to open it and it turns out this cube is designed differently. Um, Rubik's Cubes like change in design as they get like more advanced and get faster and whatnot. And there's like a ring will not fit in this thing. And I was like, crap, there goes all my plans. Those were all my plans. I don't know what I'm gonna do now. Um, so I tell her— oh, so I keep the cube and I like take it home and I'm gonna figure it out. And I kind of just asked her sister some questions. Well, then I go back and dude, her ring still hasn't showed up. And I'm like freaking out. I was like, dude, her ring's not here. Like, I don't— like, it's supposed to be here, it says it's here, but the post office doesn't have it because they're sanitizing packages. So now I don't have a ring. Now I don't know how I'm supposed to give it to her, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. So, um, at the time I was wearing a CTR ring, like The 99-cent children's ring, the ones that you kind of like bend around your finger, like super cheap metal. I was like wearing one on like my pinky finger, um, and for those listening, it's just like a little ring and it says CTR and it stands for Choose the Right. It's just a reminder to like do good things, do the right thing all the time. And I was like, well, I guess I can propose to her with this because it's a ring and it's the one that I have. So I, uh, work it out so that on graduation day I go off base, right? Everyone's like leaving. I'm gonna go off base. I'm gonna go to Marisha's house for a few hours. I can hang out with her and her family, then come back, get my stuff, and then go home. Like, and I'm just gonna leave that same day. Well, the morning of graduation, uh, oh, and, and in terms of like how I was gonna propose, I was just gonna make it up as I went. I was like, I'll like, I've been learning the song and the guitar that I can sing to her, so I'll, you know, but I don't, I don't remember the words all that great. I keep messing up the words, but like I can play her this song and I can, you know, I'll wing it. I'll figure it out when I get there. But I have so many other things to worry about. Well, the Air Force was supposed to send me to San Diego to go to graduate school, but my orders for graduate school hadn't come in yet. So the orders that I had before I got accepted to graduate school were for orders for me to go to Germany. And so I have these like international orders that say, you know, Jared Matai-Tusi is ordered to go to Germany and serve this assignment and whatnot. And I was waiting for the new orders to come in that told me to go to San Diego, but because they hadn't come in yet, I still had to do all of the paperwork necessary to go to Germany. And I find out the morning of graduation, right, that I have to get all these papers signed by all these different entities that no one else has to do if they're staying stateside. It's only people going overseas, and I'm not even actually going overseas, but my paper says I'm going overseas. So I still have to go and get all these people to sign these stupid papers. And of course, it's the morning of graduation, and the Vice President of the United States is coming to speak at our graduation. So of course they force all the cadets to go into the cafeteria hall and they lock the cafeteria hall down so they can do sweeps of all of the bed— the dorm rooms to make sure no one has guns or weapons or anything like that. I mean, it's this whole ordeal. So I have no time all morning to go and get these papers signed. And I'm like, okay, well, as soon as the graduation ceremony is over, when everyone else is like getting their stuff and leaving, I will run to every office on this base and I will get them to sign this paper. I do this. It takes me all day, like all day long. I finally finished and I'm not even done packing at this point. Like I have been so busy trying to get this crap done that I, I wasn't even unpacking my room. So I run, I get everyone to sign all these papers. I go back to my room, I change. It's like 7 o'clock at night now. I just like throw on my clothes. I text Marissa. I'm like, I'm so sorry, I'm late. I'll be there as soon as I can. The sun's already going down. And I like, I just book it. I just drive to her house and I just grab my guitar and I have like this ring on my pinky finger and I'm like, We'll make it work. I show up to her house and her family was like, they met me at my car and they were like, hey, we want to take some pictures of you and Marisha because you guys don't have any pictures together because we hadn't taken a single picture together at this point.

And that is so funny.

I haven't even proposed yet. I literally just showed up. I didn't go in the house. We just went straight through the side yard into the backyard into like this hiking trail that's behind her house. We just go back there and somebody takes pictures of us on their iPhone., and it was like her sisters. They're like taking cute pictures of us. We're just like together, you know, it's a beautiful view of the mountains and whatnot. But these are like the only pictures that we have together. And then we go back in the house, we like look at the pictures, we're eating some pizza, and I'm like, okay, uh, I need to like— can I— Marisha, can I talk to you downstairs, like the basement, real quick? And she was like, yeah, sure. So we get up and I go to my car to grab, uh, my guitar And as we're like walking downstairs into the basement, I have, I have her Rubik's Cube in my pocket and she doesn't know that I've taken it. And because like her sister had given it to me at the Walmart the day before. And so we're like going downstairs and I was like, oh, uh, so we sit, we sit down on, uh, like on a bed downstairs in the basement in like one of the guest rooms. And I pull out her Rubik's Cube. I'm like, so, uh, this is your Rubik's Cube and I'm sorry, I have it. I'm just giving it back. She's like, no, it's not. My Rubik's Cube's in my room. And I was like, no, this is it. I have your cube. She's like, what on earth? And so then I start telling her all about how I was trying to do this thing, and I had met with her sister, and I was trying to get this— the ring to fit in this cube, and blah blah blah. And then I— they— like, after all this monologuing, then I just— I told her I loved her, and I proposed to her right there. And I told her, I was like, and I was supposed to get your cute— your ring, but then your ring didn't come in the mail, so I— this is what I have. And I just like take my ring off, and it's literally like 99 cents, this—

yeah, this ring.

And I like, I give it to her, and I proposed to her. Um, I sing her a song on the guitar, and it goes well. And after— I don't know how long we were downstairs, maybe like 15, 20 minutes or something like that. But after I finished, like, okay, I have to go now. Like, I have to go back and finish packing because we have to leave because we're driving to California, like in the morning. So like, uh, so we go back upstairs, you know, everyone's like really happy, they all know that I'm proposing, um, and then I leave. I was at our house for like a total of maybe 2 hours. Um, I hadn't seen her in over a month at this point. Propose, 2 hours later leave, and I drive back to base. I pack all night long, and then we drive to Cali— we drive to Arizona and then to California the next day. Well, I— because my my ring had arrived— or her ring had arrived on base and they had sanitized the package. It like sat at the post office on base forever, and then they had to forward it to my address in California. So it takes weeks for this thing. It finally shows up at my house in California weeks later, and I'm like, okay, now I need to send this to Marisha. Like, how do I get this to her? Um, well, that was it. That was as far as my thinking goes. So I like write her a letter Um, and I fold the ring up in this letter and stick it in an envelope, just like a regular paper envelope. And I was like, dude, I've sent all sorts of like funky shaped things in envelopes. Like they're always, it's never a problem whatsoever. I stick her engagement ring in a letter, in a regular paper envelope, no hard packaging, no nothing. And part of me thought, you know, I should probably stick this in like a bubble wrap envelope or something, but those are like $5 or $6 and I'm just gonna, it'll probably be fine. Mail it to her. Weeks later, days later, whatever, she gets it. It's like the middle of the summer, um, and she grabs it out of the, uh, mailbox and it is torn to shreds and there's this shiny gold thing dangling out of this envelope.

I'm sorry, I'm laughing.

No, it deserves— I will never live this down. Her family will never let me live this down. Because here is her engagement ring dangling out of a shredded envelope. The letter is shredded to pieces because, you know, going through the sorter, and she just has this F, and she's like, I cannot believe he did this to save like $5 or $6 on shipping. That's how—

yeah, anyway, you're the finance guy though, man. You can save $5 on that shipment.

Well, and, and the thing is, it wasn't an expensive engagement ring. Marisha did not want like real diamonds. She, she I just wanted like a gold ring with like a cubic zirconium stone. So I think the ring was only like $200 at most.

So I was—

yeah, part of me was like, well, if it doesn't make it, I can get another one. It's not the big deal, you know. It's— it is what it is.

It did not make it.

That is—

it did not make it. Yeah, that's— that's barely— that is legendary. Part of it made it. That is a good story, man. I, I— Kaya was— oh, and in Kaya's defense, And I got to say this too. Kaya told me no because she was worried the ring was going to fall in the lake. So, hey, you know, in her defense, and obviously there wasn't a photographer there, but, oh, Kaya was the same way. She was like, dude, like, just, I don't need a real diamond. Just cubic zirconium is fine, man. And so that's a good— that's awesome, man. Like, when it's like the focus is our relationship, not on a on a rock that costs money, you know. So, uh, we got to go into that another time, but it's like the focus was where it needed to be. Um, but I— so cool, man. I'm stoked for this. Your, your story is legendary. I like yours a ton. We, uh, hopefully, uh, listeners, just, just don't do what we did.

Um, you'll probably be just fine.

You'll be fine. So, um, I think that kind of leads us into like what we want to go in tonight with, with lessons that we've learned so far in our marriage. And we don't profess to kind of know everything, but I've been married for 3 years now. Jared's— you guys been married for 2 and a half, you said. And, um, we kind of want to go back and forth and talk about some of the things that we've learned so far. And so I'll start. And I think one of the things that surprises me the most is how much I have changed and how much my wife has changed. Through the process of being married and through everything that we've gone through, through moving, their jobs. And it's just like, we're— this is a really cool thing to say, but we are different people than we were when we got married in the best way. Yeah.

Thank heavens we are not the same people we were 3 years ago, dude. That would be a mess.

Yeah, I would. So it's, uh, One of those things, so I actually asked Kaya about this. I was like, hey, so, you know, what is— we've been married for 3 years now. Like, how do you think we've changed a lot? How do you think we've changed the most? There's Georgia, if you can hear her. But how do you think we've changed the most? And I'm just wondering, like, what have you seen different in me? And she goes, well, you used to be really tenderhearted. And now you're like a sales bro. And I'm like, okay, well, and we kind of talked about it a little bit. And okay, a little bit of background on this. When, when I was, when we first got married, I was, you know, when I first, when we first started dating, getting really serious, I was a cheerleader at the BYU cheerleading team. And she's like, you're like way more tenderhearted. And background on that is I was a BYU cheerleader and there was a game where we were at the football stadium and a little girl got lost. And so I like, I was waiting in a line to go, go use a restroom at the stadium, super long lines. And this little girl got lost and I went to go help her. She was just standing by the food stands and I was like, hey, where's your family at? I helped her out. And so I got back and I helped her out. She found her mom. I got back in line and some BYU fan was like, hey, what do you think you're doing? And I was like, dude, like I was just helping some girl, like she lost her family. And, uh, I'm just getting back in line, man. He's like, that's what everybody's saying. And so like, I got so sad. I was like, I, after Kaya, I was like, people are so mean. And I like cried, but I was like, why didn't he care about the kid? And so now nowadays I probably would've, I probably would've reacted, but, uh, but I think some, for me personally, I've shifted a little bit. Like I've become a little bit more assertive, like goal-driven, you know, like my career kind of has something to do with that, you know, like. I kind of in control of my destiny. I really want to hit big goals. And not that I wasn't like that before, but I told Kaya, like, I was— we talked about it. And when we first got married, like, we were perfectly fine with me going to school for like 5 years and then maybe making $60,000 a year as an occupational therapist. But it's like, as we've gotten married, my vision for my life has expanded quite a bit. And it's like, no, like, I want to start tons of businesses and then also have a business down the road where I do get to work in occupational therapy, but I want to own the company that helps those individuals who have special needs. Like, I want to— my vision has expanded a ton. And for Kaya, interestingly enough, Kaya and I, when we got married, she— oh, and with, with me expanding my vision, yeah, maybe I've come a little— become a little bit more assertive, right? And it's like something that we both recognize and You know, I, it's like, okay, that's just how we've changed, right? But with Kaya, when we got married, she was like, okay, I'm going to lift weights for 5 years. Don't even like mention having kids between that time. Like, I'm going to lift weights for 5 years. After that, we can talk about kids. And her whole focus was just on her weightlifting career. And it was cool because I had told Kaya, hey, I'll work my butt off so that you can pursue this weightlifting career. And, you know, I thought it was super attractive when we first started dating. And I still think it's attractive that she had these weightlifting goals. Now, as we were married, I think Kaya started to, you know, and there's a really cool story about this where Kaya was so dead set on weightlifting, but she felt like God was telling her, hey, you know, like, there's a little girl waiting for you up in heaven. And like, you guys have got to have a kid. And Kaya would bring it up over and over again about how 'Hey, what if we had kids?' And I, at first, I brushed it off. I was like, 'That's funny, like, you're weightlifting.' Like, yeah. And it kept coming up. And eventually, Kaya, one night, just like really broke down. She was crying. She's like, 'Austin, like, I don't know what's going on. Like, I feel like we're supposed to have a kid. There's a little girl waiting for us, but I want to lift weights.' And so I gave her a blessing that night. If, for people who are not familiar with our church, you know, we can give people blessings. For the men in the church, they lay their hands on an individual's head and they give them a blessing. And for this, this is a blessing of comfort. And so we worked through this, and she was like, hey, like, it's time to have a kid. And so we— for her, she was like, hey, there's a 2-month window where we can have a kid, and that 2-month window is the only 2-month window in, in which I can still pursue a weightlifting career after. Yeah, so it all worked out, which is so cool. But with Kaya, she went from being like this like, oh, I'm only going to do weightlifting. Um, and now she's just blossomed into like this amazing mother and she loves being a mom. But 3 years ago, she, she would have never thought about being a mom at this point. And it's cool to see Kaya change right now as well, because she's actually more open to maybe, maybe, you know, I don't know how long I'm going to do my weightlifting career for, but I love being a mom.. And it's like I told Kaya, I was like, I don't care what you do, just, you know, be something and be really good at it. And if you want to be the best mom in the world, I think that's so cool, you know? So just that Kaya has— I've always wanted Kaya to just pursue her passions in life. And it's, it's been cool to see her just really dive into her role as a mom. And she's an awesome mom. So it's been cool to see her go from like weightlifter, don't talk to me about kids, to like, hey, I love being a mama. And she's an awesome mom. She's taking care of Georgia right now as we speak. So it's like, it's been cool. But that's just one of the things I've learned, um, as, as we've been married. And it's cool to see how we change and how we adjust to each other. And it'd be crazy if you didn't change, like you said.

Like, yeah, well, dude, I love that. And well, and I think One of the, uh, one of the reasons that we change, um, after we get married— this kind of ties into, uh, one of the biggest lessons that I've learned since getting married— is that we, we get so much mental energy and bandwidth back after we get married. Um, I, I like to think of it as that we get— we become so much more free in so many ways after we get married. And I think that's contrary to what a lot of people think, like, oh, you get married, you're getting hitched, you're getting shackled, you're getting handcuffed, whatever. Like, you know, like the word in Spanish for spouse also means handcuffs. So like, that's like, that's a common joke that people make. Yeah, exactly. And so that's like one of those. But that's one of the things, man. So somebody, man, I can't remember who it was, someone explained it in a way that I felt like really really captured it. So, um, before you get married and when you're kind of in that married, maritable age, you size up every single person you see 24/7, no matter what, and you can't help it. So you have these like fleeting thoughts, like, so you're sitting in a room hanging out with your buddies at a party, whatever event, whatever, you see a girl walk through the door, you immediately size her up. You immediately put her into a bucket of, is she worth pursuing? Yes, possibly, no. And that's it. It— you, you can't help it. And then often, if you see a guy walk into a room, you size him up as competition. You know, is he, is he a competitor? Yes or no? And that's it. And it's, it's a super quick thought, but we do it all the time, man. I, I can't, I can't even Man, I remember like getting like a new semester at school starts, you like walk into a classroom, dude, and immediately you like scan the room and you're looking at like, okay, are any of these girls potential suitors? And are any of these dudes like, which one of these dudes do I need to be looking out for? And it's not that you're verbalizing this like out loud or even like really consciously, but your brain is looking for a mate. Like you are, you are searching for someone that could be your lifelong companion. And so this kind of ties into that story that, uh, that I told in our, in our trailer episode, uh, when Marisha and I first saw each other before we knew each other. And I thought she could lose a couple pounds, and she thought I was a total d-bag. And what's, uh, what's funny about that story is, is how, uh, is how true, how true those sentiment— like, how true that example is. Because here's the thing, when I talked to Marisha about it, uh, she said that she She spent maybe half a second thinking about it. She had the thought and then it was gone. It wasn't like she sat there and she was like, "Hmm, you know, because this guy looks this way, because he acts this way, he talks this way, he moves this way, I think he—" No, none of that happened. Now, so to set the stage, because I was told I ought to clarify this story a little bit. So I was— we were at church, I'm getting up in front of everybody to speak. I had forgotten my white shirt, my white button-down shirt at school. And so I borrowed my buddy's button-down shirt, but my buddy's shirt was a size medium and I'm 6'3", couple hundred pounds. And this shirt was way too small for me, but it was the only shirt I have. So exactly, dude. So like the collar doesn't fit. It's like definitely not buttoned. So my tie is like barely even up. The buttons are like about to pop. I'm like, this thing is like way too small, but it's what I've got. And so I'm up there talking or whatever, and yeah, I'm like pretty charismatic and energetic, but given the appearance and just like this aura, I guess, that I had, she instantly categorized me as a no. And then that was it. That was it. There were no other thoughts after that. It was just a no and then moves on. And then when I saw her, it was the exact same thing. She stands up. I thought about her maybe half a second. Maybe 1 full second, probably because I'm a little bit slower. So like, I just saw her and I was like, oh, she's cute, could lose a couple pounds. That's it, boom, done. Like, did not think about her any more than that. And the thing is, she had just gotten back from being in Germany that whole summer. So she was teaching German and English to Syrian refugees while she was out there. And my wife loves German pastries, she loves chocolate chip yogurt, and of course while she's out there, she's going to take advantage of all of it. And so I think maybe she had She had put on like 10 pounds that summer. And she had as part of her plan, like, I'll get home, I'll get back into running, I'll get back into shape, shed the pounds, like, not a big deal. And, but this encounter that we had was like maybe less than a week, maybe a whole week, if that, after she had gotten home. So it's crazy to me, like in the same way that she had sized me up, you know, just like, oh, this guy's, you know, he's wearing clothes that are too tight. He looks a certain way, whatever. I had sized her up too. And it was funny because we sized each other up on like wildly imperfect information. And the thing is, we do that about everybody until we get married. And oh my goodness, dude, once you get married— here's something crazy. Once I got married, I became 1,000 times more comfortable talking to women. Like, it was like suddenly I didn't have to worry about the way I was coming across if I, if I was, if it was just someone I wasn't romantically interested in, but I didn't want them to think I was. And so you're like making all these calculations and the words that you say, the way that you say them, how you act, all these things. Like, no, now that I'm, I'm married, I can go talk to anybody. Like, I can go talk to any woman, any girl, like anybody, just, and I feel so comfortable. And I, and I'm like perfectly comfortable telling them like, hey, I just want you to know you look really great today. Like, that is a, that dress looks fantastic on you. You, you know. I could not have said that to anybody before I got married. No way, not a chance. But now, dude, I'm so much more comfortable because I know that I have my wife and that she is beautiful and amazing and everything I could have hoped for in a spouse. And so I'm now so much more free. Like, all this— I don't have any of this, like, overhead mental space that's getting taken up by sizing people up. Up all the time. And I just, I just think that's so amazing. And I never would have guessed it in a million years.

Well, it's, it's, it's cool, man, because, you know, like, you can— you're no longer like on the hunt, right? Like, it's like you're like, you know, like looking around anymore. You can just be with the person you're with. And I think here's another thing too, is sometimes things that sometimes people think that like, once you're married and you have finally found your, your person, it's like the, the hunt is over, I think. No, I think it still continues, like, within the marriage to, like, my— so, for example, my grandfather on my stepmom's side, he would always, like, give my grandma a new contract every year and be like, hey, I want to renew the contract with you. Will you renew it? So that's just something— it just goes to show that even when— I don't even know how old he was before he passed away, but every year he would, he would want to live his life in a way where his wife would want to continue to be married to him. But it's kind of cool because all your efforts are going to your spouse. And I think as husbands, we have that duty to— all that effort and the energy that we would have had beforehand, like sizing people up and trying to go out of our way to make a good impression, well, now that just goes to our relationship. And I think, you know, it's important to remember, like, hey, it doesn't stop. It just, you know, that, that energy goes all to your wife. And it's so cool because I know that, like, I don't need to go out and worry about my wife running off with some other dude or with me going off with some other girl. It's like, no, we're married together. And it's, it's so cool. So, and, you know, we've made a commitment to each other. Um, so to anybody listening to this that's not married, it's a great thing to have. Like, it's not it's just a beautiful way to live life. Your freedom goes up a ton. So it just, uh, thanks for sharing that, man. I think talking a little bit about how we treat our spouses, uh, you know, like the pers— like it does— the, the pursuing doesn't end, right? So it just makes me think about a lesson I talked to you about the other day. It's like how you treat your spouse is how they will reciprocate. So one of my mentors, his name's Jeremy Davis, I'll mention him a lot in our podcast, I'm sure. But he always talks to me about filling their bucket, and your bucket will be filled. So putting them as a focus will actually— it will actually end up with them putting you as their focus. So it's the littlest things, though. An example of this is recently I've been going to the gym in the morning, 8:30 in the morning, 9:30 in the morning, and sometimes I'll stay longer to get some more sets in. But I'll call Kaya on the way home to let her know, hey, I'm coming home. And recently I just noticed her tone has been super loving and accepting, like she wasn't worried about me staying longer. Whereas, hey, that could have been a thing in the past. But just the fact, like, hey, how are you? Like, just the tone. And how she talks to me on the phone made a huge difference to how I showed up at the house. And it's just like, she was super happy to talk to me after I was done with the gym. So I came home way happy to talk to her. And it's the tone, it's tonality of your voice. I mean, the difference between, hey, Kaya, and hey, Kaya. It's so different. In fact, she probably heard me upstairs when I said that. But the difference is, it's dramatic. And it can even though you're saying the same words, it means something different. Your body language towards your spouse, if you're on your phone and if you're looking at your phone, those little things add up. And the same way you act, they will act to you. And so it just, uh, it just resonated with me, man, that, that pursuit— that pursuit, that's the word I was looking for earlier— that pursuit doesn't end. Take that energy and put it back into your marriage.

Yeah, well, and, and Building off of that, um, Dieter F. Uchtdorf, in a talk that he gave a while back, he talked about how we often fall into the trap of thinking that we are going to be— that we need to find someone that's a perfect match and then get married. But instead, he said, honestly, that part doesn't really matter. What matters is if you're doing little things consistently. And I have the quote right here. Um, let's see, he says, a couple may choose to get married even though some in their own families do not consider them a perfect match. However, I have a great deal of hope for such a couple if, after the decision is made, they stay totally committed to each other and to the Lord with all their heart and mind. By treating each other with love and kindness and focusing on one another's emotional, spiritual, and temporal needs, by doing the little things consistently, they become the perfect match. And then he talks about how people who think they picked the, the perfect person— um, now here's— yeah, here's the quote. In contrast is the couple who thinks they picked the perfect person and then assumes that all the heavy lifting is over. If they quit courting each other, stop communicating one-on-one, and slide back into egotism and a self-centered life, this couple is on a path that leads to sorrow and regret. And I think that's— I think that's so so apt, like that it's very precise that we are constantly working on becoming the perfect match for our spouse. And it's a mutual thing, right? As you learn to fill your wife's needs, as we learn to fill our wife's needs better, then that means they're in a better place. That means they have more— perhaps let's say they have more energy, more time, more freedom they feel more confident in themselves. They feel like they're learning and growing in their abilities. And that in turn is going to make them better help us in different ways. And it builds on top of each other because we are each other's greatest support systems. And so if we're strengthening them, then that means they're stronger and then they can strengthen us and that makes us stronger. And it's just a back and forth all the time.

Yeah, I mean, Ties right in with that, right? Like, if you're only focused about yourself, then it's not going to go anywhere. And I think that's one of the things I had to learn too, is with marriage, I have to learn how to compromise every now and then with me being— and that's been something that we've, you know, struggled with in our marriage, right? Like, we're both really headstrong. Um, but yeah, a lot of times, like, I'll be like, no, I need it this way. And so that's something that Kaya and I have worked through. It's like, how do we find the middle ground on things? Because you have to compromise in marriage, right? And, you know, my wife's amazing. I think she does a good job adjusting to me sometimes when I get really stubborn. And I think we work together on that, right? And something to be said too is like being stubborn is also— there's another really awesome side to that. And it's just like you're determined, right? I think a lot of determined people also can have a stubborn side. So a lot of people at church are like, wow, you guys are such a power couple. And I'm like, Yeah, we can be pretty stubborn sometimes. That's what I say. But, um, on the, on the same note about like focusing on yourself, you've got to work on yourself. And so just another lesson I've learned in marriage is just getting your me time in at the beginning of the day so that you can better serve your spouse. If, you know, they have that idea of like, you've got to be whipped to be a good husband and put yourself, like I talk about filling their bucket first. That's so important. But if you're not doing things to invest in yourself, in your health, and your mind and your spirit every day, there's no way you can show up to be the best husband that you can be. So you take that, like, focus on yourself so that you can serve your wife better. And so for me personally, I have to wake up early before Kaya and Georgia wake up in order to get that time in. And Something really important with this is if something does go, go wrong where I don't get that time, I've got to communicate openly with my spouse and be like, hey, I have— I'm in a rough start today. Um, and just also realize that your spouse is also trying their best as well with everything. So that way you're not as quick to attack if they're off one day. You can kind of, instead of react, you can respond and just say, hey, what's going on? Like, open up conversation. And like I said, these are things that I'm working on because I've fallen under the side of of not doing this and I react and I'm like, what are you doing? Like, why are you mad at me? When really there's other— there's something else that happened early on in the day that is causing one of us to be a little bit more irritable. So just get your me time in, take care of yourself so that you can show up and be that spouse that you want to be.

Yeah, well, and, and that taking that me time can look— it can look differently based on like what, what your needs are and maybe what your spouse's needs are. So Marisha and I, we get up together. Well, we're not together right now because I'm not in Italy, but normally we wake up together before the baby wakes up. And I remember wanting— when we first got married, I remember wanting to wake up before she did so I could have some me time. But she really didn't like me waking up before she did because she wanted us to start and end the game— start and end of the day together. Um, and I remember that me kind of thinking, well, how am I supposed to get my me time in if we're like both getting up at the same time? And what, after, you know, a long time of scheduling and, uh, like routines changing, like what we do now is we, we wake up at the same time, we wake up together, helps us get out of bed early together. But then like we go downstairs, we read, you know, a little bit of scripture together, and then it's just quiet time for both of us. Like we sit at the table, we share a mate, and we read scriptures. I read a personal development book, and we like— and we were in the same spot next to each other, not talking, and it's just quiet. And, you know, sometimes she'll have something that she wants to share with me, or I want to share something with her, but it's just— it's like quiet time. And for both of us, it's— it's me time. It's that, you know, we're focusing on ourselves, but we're doing it in the same place at the same time every day. So that we kind of, yeah, like we're supporting each other without having to, you know, be on top of each other, if that makes sense.

Yeah, it's, uh, that's huge. And I think it's cool that you guys like work that out, like, hey, this is what I need, um, and then you guys like work through your schedule. And a lot of times when I talk to husbands and, you know, other, other friends of mine that are married, it's like, oh, we can't do all this because of our schedules. It's like, well, sit down, figure out what works for you, and make that happen. So for us, it was like, hey, what works with your training? Like, when can we eat dinner together every night? And that's what we do now. Like, we have dinner together every night at the same time, and we make it work. So it's— that's cool that you guys like work together to get your time in together. Um, and there's just that— there's an open communication that you'll see here is like a theme so far as we talk is like communication leads to a happy marriage. And the times when we're not communicating are the times that really end up just leading to conflict. And, and just like— and this is like one of the lessons I learned, right? Setting the right expectations can help eliminate conflict.

Thanks for tuning in to part 1 of this episode. Stay tuned for part 2 coming out real soon.