4 Crucial Steps to Know If Someone Is Right for You | Matt Monday

In this video, you're going to learn the four crucial steps to see if someone is right for you. This is one of the hardest decisions we will ever make in our life, who we spend it with. Today's dating culture makes it feel insanely difficult to find anyone who's even serious, let alone someone that we have the right level of chemistry and compatibility with that we think it can actually last. And what about when we meet a nice person who we think is great on paper, but we have no chemistry with them? Can chemistry actually grow? And are we having high standards for the wrong things? What are the qualities you should look for in a partner? These are all things that I discuss in today's video with Kristin Cavallari on the let's Be Honest podcast. Check it out. I think you're really going to enjoy this and let me know what you think in the comments.

I want to start with the dating culture today. What do you think is wrong with it? And why are people having such a hard time finding a successful relationship?

I think part of it is that we are. Our nervous systems are kind of programmed for dopamine, and I think it makes it really hard to sit with anything for very long. We're so used to novelty now in writing this new book. To sit there in front of a laptop and just write for two or three hours at a time was, at times, in the beginning of the process was excruciatingly difficult.

Yeah.

And it really was like a wake up call for me about how much my attention span has been hurt by, you know, the way that we live our lives today. And dating is a part of that. You know, the dating apps are this dopamine machine and it feels good to swipe and it feels good to get matches and it feels good to get messages, and it feels good to get another one from a new person. And it's. That's a. That's a very addictive cycle for people. So I think that's tough. And then I think where there's less humanity in the process because less people are picking up the phone and yeah, it can feel harder to even just get to the point of a date where you meet up and right then people get back from a date and they're onto their phone again and there's a ridiculous amount of temptation there that just interrupts the process of attraction. So you're not like getting home and building anticipation for the next time that you are gonna see someone in the same time that in a bygone era you would have done Instead, you're now bombarded with just the buffet again as soon as you get home. And I think that interrupts a lot of the attraction circuits that allow us to kind of psychologically invest in the narrative in the same way as we once would have done. So it all amounts to much more superficial, surface level interactions instead of the depth that. And not just the depth, but the staying with something long enough for it to even become what it could be. You know, the thing that makes something great is that you. I'm not. I don't. There's a word. There's a way we use the word settling that is. That's very negative.

Yes.

I don't want to settle for someone. And that's understandable. None of us in life want to be shortchanged. Right. We want to feel like we got the best thing we could get in any area of life. And people are like that in their love lives. I want to get the best person I can get for me. And. And anything less than that feels like settling. But I think there's a way to change the language around that word that turns it into an immensely positive thing where instead of settling for someone, we say, I'm gonna settle on someone.

Oh.

And settling on is very powerful.

Yeah.

Because it implies agency and choice and imbuing something with all of the meaning of a decision. And say, it's like saying, where am I going to live? Well, when you settle on somewhere and then, you know, once you've really settled and you get your house or your apartment or whatever, and you say, I'm going to be here for a while, you start making that place into your dream place. And then you start doing all of the little things that turn it into this space that sparks joy every time you walk through the door. It didn't start that way. It gets better over time the more you invest in it. And relationships are the same way. But to your point about dating culture these days, I think that never have we been less inclined to just settle on a person and then make that as good as it can possibly be. Instead, we're trying to optimize at the front end. And by doing, by continuously optimizing and never choosing, we never actually make anything. We never. We never even see how good anything could be. Because we never spend long enough with anyone to see how good it could be.

Exactly. So how do we decide who we choose? So tell me. Well, okay, let's talk about chemistry versus compatibility. Because. And I know you think that you need both. Right. For a lasting, successful relationship. And I agree with you. So first I want you to explain the difference between the two, and then I want to get into them.

Well, chemistry, I think, is this. It's a feeling. You know, you could have physical chemistry. You can have the kind of chemistry that is just. We really enjoy each other's company and the conversation flows.

Isn't it all encompassing, though? We need all of those, don't we?

I. I think, think you can have. You could have chemistry with a friend, right? Okay, you can have chemistry. You can. I can meet a guy and be like, me and this dude, have amazing chemistry. Like me. I want to hang out with this guy all day. Like, it's. There's a kind of chemistry to that, but there's also the very animalistic, physical chemistry we can feel with someone. And we can have both. You know, I think chemistry can imply that very animalistic attraction. It can also imply a connection that you feel to someone. Okay, but neither are the same as compatibility. Compatibility is. Do we work together? Does it actually work? And compatibility is about a number of things. It. Are our personalities compatible? We may have an amazing time, we may have amazing conversation, but. But when we think of our values, do they line up right? When we think of the way we see the world, are those worldviews compatible? Are they synergistic? When we look at our lifestyles, do they work together? When we look at our future and what we want, do our intentions about what we're building align? Or are they completely different things? The timing of our life, does that line up? These are all compatibility issues. And so in the book, I talk about there being four levels of importance. In any. In any situation with someone, there's admiration. And admiration is just. You think someone's awesome or attractive or hot or whatever, but it doesn't mean they even know you exist right. This level. So, again, not that important. Level two is mutual attraction. That's what we're talking about when we talk about chemistry. That's when you like someone and they like you back. Level three is commitment. That's when you don't just have mutual attraction. You're both saying yes to something.

Okay?

There's tons of people who spend all their time, you know, being upset or fantasizing about someone that they're in level two with.

Right?

That they never even reach level three with. And my view is always, level two is not that important. You could have chemistry with lots of people. It doesn't mean that there's anything behind it. It doesn't mean it's going anywhere. Yeah. So we get very caught up in level two.

Yeah.

And that's where we create a lot of story in our head about what should be instead of what is. Yeah. Level three is commitment. That's when two people say yes to each other. Yes, I want to be with you. Yes, let's build something. And level four, because level three, even that isn't enough. Love is not all you need.

It is not. I can't wait to have that conversation with you, too.

You need more than that. You, you need compatibility. And you know, two people can say yes to each other for a relationship, but if they're incompatible, for example, even in their morality, if one person thinks it's okay to lie and the other one is all about telling the truth and honesty, then you're going to have a compatibility issue. If one person wants to spend their life traveling the world and one person's a homebody, you're going to have a compatibility issue. So the compatibility is the final level because if you have all four of those things, you can have a long term relationship.

Okay.

If you're missing compatibility, you could have a relationship, but it can be hell on earth.

Yeah. Those are usually the toxic ones, right?

Or the ones. Or they're not toxic, they're. Yes. Yes. And they could just be relationships where two people make each other unhappy. It's not. Either of them is a bad person, but they just. They don't work together.

Yeah.

Are you asking yourself one of these two questions? Which? One, how do I stop attracting people who are emotionally unavailable, who aren't ready for a relationship, but with whom? I have a lot of chemistry. And two, how can I attract someone who I have chemistry with who is also ready for the same things I am? If one of those questions is something you'd like to ask me right now, go to askmh.com and you can ask MatthewAI and get an answer instantly. Matthew AI is trained on 17 years of my content. You're literally getting my answer to your specific question. And people are using this every day right now as the secret weapon they have in their pocket whenever they need it. You can ask a free question of Matthew AI or two right now by going to askmh.com so go try it.

And do you think that chemistry can grow? Because I've always taken the stance that it can't. Like I've always said, I'll know within the first five minutes of meeting someone if this could grow and turn into something. But I've heard a lot of people say, you go on A date with a great guy, for example. He's a nice guy, you know, kind all the things. Give him another shot, even if you don't feel it. What do you think about that?

I. Chemistry is very complicated.

It's very complicated.

We often, I think, misdiagnose anxiety as chemistry. Oh, and someone appealing to our nervous system in a way that's familiar. We often think of that as chemistry. And sometimes we need to suspect ourselves in situations where we say we have so much chemistry with a person because there's something about the way they push our buttons that triggers something in us. There's a certain, like, charm, there's a certain swagger, there's a certain charisma, but it's the kind of thing that we've seen a hundred times before that also comes with a hell of a lot of negative side effects. And. And also, there might be something about the dynamic that person creates with us that feels like chemistry, but is something else. You know, if you felt more. If you started feeling more obsessed with someone when they didn't text you back for two days, that's not chemistry. Nothing material changed. They just fell off the radar.

Right.

So why did they suddenly become like, why did. Now we feel like, oh, now I really like them. I think I really like them. You know, why is it when someone doesn't te for five days and, you know, we have a great date with someone, then they don't text us for five days, and then a day later they text us and say, what are you up to? And we go, oh, my God, this feels so good. That. That's not. I don't think of that as chemistry. I think of it as there's a roller coaster of highs and lows that we are used to that feels exciting, and we start using it to convince ourselves how much we like a person.

Right.

On the other side, there are people that we meet that, you know, I think, or even that we just see online that we judge very, very quickly without really knowing that that's someone we could have chemistry with or we could have sexual attraction with. Because I think there's a. Sexual attraction is an interesting thing. You can feel sexual attraction with surprising people.

Okay, yeah, right.

You. Sometimes you can have it and go, this person's not my type. That's so strange. Why am I. And you wouldn't have picked them out of a dating profile lineup, but there was something about them off, like when you got to know them a little bit in person or. And sometimes even when you think of workplace relationships, why is it that they build. Why or why is it like you can. Someone can on week two or month three, suddenly do something.

Okay, yeah.

That makes you look at them a bit differently. Maybe they finally get comfortable enough to be a little goofy.

Right.

Or maybe they show up to a company eventually looking away that you didn't know they could look. Or, you know, there's just something they did that they didn't do before, and you suddenly start looking at them and you're like, huh, why do I feel this? I didn't feel this on day one. So do I think if you go on, you know, a date and you feel absolutely nothing that it's worth going on another date? I'm not so sure. Okay, but do I think people don't go on enough dates or don't, like, actually spend enough time in front of people to really know if they have chemistry? Our door policy for who we let in is really strict and so strict that we actually end up turning away a lot of people that we might have chemistry with if we actually got them in front of us and spent a little time with them.

Okay, so you think people should be going on more dates?

I think we are far fussier on dating apps than we ever would be in real life.

100%. 100%. I agree with you. Well, I think someone's personality obviously like what you were just saying. That's how you can really distinguish if you're attracted to someone or not. It's so hard just based off of some photos.

If most people took their dating history of everyone they've ever dated and not people they dated and felt nothing for. I mean, like, if you took everyone you've ever dated and had real attraction for, I guarantee you half of those people would never have made it into your life via an app.

I've thought about that. I've definitely thought about that.

You're like, that boyfriend. He wouldn't. I would have swiped left on him.

I know. It's so true.

Yeah.

So, okay, in those early days when you are in that fog of just, like, being so excited and how can you distinguish between what is actual chemistry and what is sort of that addicting, sort of toxic behavior like we were just talking about, if they ghost you for five days and then come back in, how can you distinguish what is real chemistry?

Well, I think it's almost worth. It's almost worthwhile to say. How do I decide what is chemistry worth having?

Okay.

Cause I might have chemistry with a person who's not a great person, but maybe there is like an energy that, you know, you find them sexy, and there's an animal attraction there, but they're a horrible person. Right.

Right. You.

So I almost. I think it's better to say what kind of chemistry is worth pursuing for me.

Okay.

So that the. The wrong kinds of people, chemistry or no chemistry, just can't get through the door. Especially if you're being intentional about finding love.

Right.

And the kind of love that is. You're gonna. Is gonna make you happy. So I think it's worth asking the question who's. What qualities are necessary in a person for me to be happy and peaceful?

Okay. And then sticking with that list.

Yeah. Like, being really clear on, like, that's got to be. No matter what. That's got to be. The price of entry for someone in my life is that no matter what else they have or don't have, they have to have those things. Because what we do instead is we just say, you know, I want to find someone I'm attracted to. And then we start looking for all these, you know, charisma and the way they look and the way they dress and their life and what they represent in life and all of these things that don't. None of them have a bearing on how great of a partner they'll be.

Yeah.

And we then get really into this person, and we have. I always say we have really high standards for things that don't matter that much. Yeah. And we have really, really low standards for things that matter the most.

Yeah.

So, you know, people. I get. People say to me a lot, I have really high standards. That's my problem. And I'm like, but you just asked me about how to get a guy that has been treating you like crap for the last three months.

Yeah.

So how high are your standards?

Yeah.

What you mean is I have really high standards for how tall they are.

Yeah.

How sexy they are, how successful they are, how this. They are. Like, what do you mean you have really high standards? You have really high standards for those things. And you appear to have no standards for how kind this person is.

Yeah.

Or how considerate they are. Or you seem to have no standards for how much they see you.

Yeah.

Because this person doesn't get you at all, it seems, but that apparently those. That doesn't matter. These things really matter. So I think we have to start changing the things we have high standards around. Doesn't mean you have to let go of the things that you're looking for. And in terms of their. Their appeal to you, your attraction to them, but you, at the very least, you better start valuing the other things appropriately because otherwise anyone is going to get through the door.

Okay? Right, right.

And you're gonna, you're gonna be in a situation a year from now where you're coming to me saying, I keep, I just, you know, this person, we have an amazing, we have amazing conversations and the sex is great and I just love their company and da, da, da. And then you go, what's wrong? And they're like, well, they don't want to be with me. Okay, well, maybe we should have a standard around that because that feels like a really crazy thing. It really feels really strange not to have a standard around someone wanting to be with you. That should be like the baseline of who you give your attention to.

Yeah. Okay, so what conversations should we be having in the beginning to knowing if we're compatible, making sure we're on the same page and realizing what kind of qualities, like what kind of qualities should we be looking for? What are the most important qualities for a long lasting relationship?

Well, I think it's worth us asking what in my past, when it was missing, made me miserable?

Okay. Like in, you mentioned that in the book.

Yeah. Like, that's a really important question.

Yeah.

What was missing in my past relationship that even though I told myself this person was so important, I really didn't want to lose them? What did they not have or not give you that made your life miserable? Okay, start with those things.

Yeah.

Because what you realize, and it's powerful to start with those things because you already have a reference point for the fact that when they were missing, it didn't matter how great you thought the person was, you were really deeply, deeply unhappy.

Yeah.

I've been in situations like that where I was anxious all the time or I didn't feel safe in the relationship and I was so unhappy. And coming out of the situation like that, you go, oh, I'm never putting myself in that situation again. Because it, it doesn't matter how great someone is if you don't. If you feel anxious all the time, it's. It's misery.

Yeah.

So nothing is worth me making that a negotiable thing ever. So ask yourself what was missing and then make that your precedent for what your expectation is or what you must have next time around.

Okay.

But I think in terms of some general qualities, I think someone who, firstly, someone who sees you, like, who do you feel the most yourself around.

Yeah.

Is a pretty good question for a relationship. Who, who do you feel the most yourself around who makes you more of yourself? Who makes you a better version of yourself?

Yeah.

Who do you feel seen by and truly acknowledged by? Who makes you feel like you can share more of yourself that you're not, like, kind of just showing one angle of yourself and because you feel like that's the good angle. But who do you feel like the relationship gets better the more of you that you share?

Okay.

Is a. Is a good question to ask. And then who do you feel is a great teammate?

Yeah.

I don't think we've. We spend enough time thinking about who's a great teammate. I know for me, one of the things that made me go, oh, I want to marry this person is because I thought she's an amateur. Like, I want to. I want to build something. Ready to build something. And I can't imagine a better builder than this person. Like, she's an amazing teammate. To me. She's an incredible builder that I was like, I'm never going to do. I'm never going to find someone who is going to have my back like this.

Yeah.

Who's loyal like this. Who's going to show up for me in this way, who's, you know, truly accepts me for who I am in this. Like, it just. All of that stuff added up to the most important things for me and kindness.

Like, who's kind. Did you figure that out just over time or are there specific questions that you can ask to know if you guys are on the same page with all of that stuff?

Well, I think it's the reason we have to. I think we learn a lot if we actually are brave enough to have standards early in the relationship. So instead of ignoring the we, a lot of us are too afraid to speak up about things that we would like more of.

Yeah.

Or things that we don't feel like we're getting enough of.

Yeah.

Because we're worried about scaring someone away. We're worried about being difficult or high maintenance. But. But sharing the things that you would like.

Yeah.

Is a really good. It will reveal quickly what it is you have. And we often just hold back. So stop holding back as much. Thank you so much for listening to the episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Before you go, make sure that you do this today. I promise you, every week, you are missing out. By not doing what I'm about to say. I am sending a private email to a group of people who have registered for it every single Friday. The email is called the Three Relationships, and every email is packed with. With advice on how you can improve one of the three relationships that I believe determine the quality of your life. Your relationship with other people, your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with life itself. It's a super valuable email. People really look forward to it. This is not the kind of email that you don't open is the kind of email you can't wait to see in your inbox every Friday. Go over to the3relationship Ships.com to sign up for that email for free and I will see you in your inbox this Friday.