4 Questions That Tell You Whether It's Time To Leave Your "Situationship"

Two people are just completely casually seeing each other with no consequences. And that's the world we live in today. It's just people seeing each other casually. I think that is a hypothetical that doesn't play out in real life.

Welcome back, listeners, to the Love Life podcast. I am Stephen Hussey, and a very special treat today, I am joined by none other than Matthew Hussey.

What's going on, everybody? Stephen, thank you for having me back.

Hello, Matthew. I am here in Tokyo. We're doing this remotely. Matt snuggled in LA with Jameson and I can see them on my computer screen. But we're gonna try this format out, see how it works.

You're doing this. I mean, it's magical, isn't it? You're doing this from Tokyo. I'm in la. It's amazing. I'd just like to point out I'm on the other side of the room and not snuggling yet, not snuggled yet.

Well, fair enough. I'll take your word for it. And I want to bring Matt on the show today to talk about the thorny topic of situationships, because I recently wrote a blog post on this article. It did very well on our site, but actually haven't spoken to Matt about this topic yet and wanted to get his thoughts on it. Are you up for that, sir?

Let's do it.

So the point of the article is titled the truth of your situationship. When and whether to end it. And for those of you who don't know, situationship is a kind of neologism. It's a bit more than a friendship, it's less than a relationship. You're in a situation and you're not really quite sure what it is, and it doesn't have a label. So I want to ask, should you stay in a situationship or should you go? And these are the four questions to ask yourself in making that decision. So the first question, Matt, is, is this hurting other priorities in my life?

That's a very good question because I suppose what that gets at is this. Well, if we know we're in something that's not going anywhere, then it should not take the same level of priority as something we know we're investing in for the long term. Is that what you were going for?

Yeah, yeah, that's the point. If you're putting time into something you want to know, you're getting something back out of it, especially a relationship or a. Something intimate. And, yeah, you might have time better spent on other things that you're going to be into for much, much Longer.

Well, because your work or your family or your friends, they're still going to be there six months from now or a year from now or three years from now. But this person, if you know that it's just a fling, is not going to be, you're not going to look back and go, I'm just so glad I invested so much time in that fling to the detriment of these other really important areas of my life.

Right. And I think there can be a double kind of waste going on as well because you, you compromise those other parts of your life. And in a weird way, you're also compromising potential time with a different long term person who's actually going to be with you for a long time.

Yeah, yeah, you're certainly compromising time. You could be spent trying to meet that person.

Right, right, exactly. So that's number one. Number two is. Question two is, is this demanding emotional intent attention without emotional investment in return?

So I think, Explain that one to me.

So I think like time, I think emotion is a, is a limited resource as well. It's like willpower or something like that. There's only so much we can give to something in, in a particular day. And I think, you know, in, in these. As much as you try and keep a situation casual, there's always this tendency for it to bleed over into you giving serious emotional attention. Like, I know that person needs you, so you drive two or three hours to them to help them with some issue, or you're on the phone talking about their issues with their mom and dad, their relation, you know, their relationships or whatever it is. And eventually you are giving emotionally to this situation whether you like it or not. But again, it's that question of, well, what's the return you're getting? Are you getting the intimacy from this person you're actually craving or, you know, is it kind of just taking from you and not giving back?

And of course, when you are giving that amount of emotional investment in someone, you are, you have a kind of tunnel vision that keeps other people out. It's not just lack of time spent meeting people, it does become a kind of wall that goes up. That means someone could try talking to you or someone could try flirting with you, but you barely even see that person because your emotions are all locked up in somebody else. So yeah, you're right. It's like you don't have the emotional bandwidth to give to a new person or to even. It's like people who are seeing someone, they, they say what? But there isn't anyone else I like. There's. I never meet anyone else I'm into.

Yeah.

But it's kind of self fulfilling because you depart there, you don't meet someone else you're into because you haven't got emotional space for to even open up to that right now. So I like that.

Yeah.

What's number three?

That's a great point. Number three is, is this, is someone going to be in pain if this ends? So I think that this one's like a reality check where you can say you think it's just casual, it's just fun, but if you know that person's gonna actually be heartbroken if this ends and that you're kind of stringing them along, or the opposite, if, you know, God, if this person walks away from this, then I'm gonna be really miserable and it's just gonna be exactly like a breakup. Then, you know, you've bled into something that's probably not healthy for you and there's that kind of imbalance. Right. It's like someone is gonna feel massively broken, alone, damaged. Then. Yeah. Then you know, it's not casual anymore.

Well, you look, this kind of fits with my idea that casual doesn't really. Casual is a hypothetical. In nine out of 10 cases, probably more. The idea that two people are just completely casually seeing each other with no consequences. And that's the world we live in today. It's just people seeing each other casually. I think that is a hypothetical that doesn't play out in real life because there's almost always one person who will be hurt because they're doing the casual dance, but what they really want is something more. Whether they're communicating or not is a different story. But, but yes, I very much agree with that. You're not in something casual by definition. If, if upon ending, someone is about to get their heart broken.

Right, right.

Okay.

And the final one, the final question to ask yourself is, is the situation vague because I want it to be or because I'm afraid I'm gonna lose this person? So I think ambiguity again is. It can be a kind of COVID for the fact that you don't want to have a difficult conversation. Because if you have that conversation and ask for clarity and push for it, that person might say, oh, actually, sorry, this isn't what I want. And they're going to walk away and you're going to have nothing. And so you're, you're kind of allowing it to be vague because that lets you get a little bit of the drug of this Person.

Well, that's. You know, there's that line in American Hustle where he says, people are always conning themselves. And the great con that people do on themselves in casual relationships is when you say, so how's it going with Jeff? And they say, well, you know, we're just kind of seeing where it goes right now, you know, and she's speaking for both of them in that moment. That's not how Jeff would describe it. If she actually asked him, Jeff might say, I'm absolutely not interested in a relationship right now. But they've never had that conversation. So now she says, well, you know, we're just seeing where it goes. There's kind of a way of saying, I'm not crazy. Like, we're just. We're just seeing what happens right now. But that's not what you're doing. It might be that in his head, he's very certain about what it is or what it isn't. But you're covering for that right now because as you say, you want to keep getting that fix for the time being and you don't want to disrupt it yet because you're just enjoying the fact that it even exists. Which, by the way, is, I guess there's some kind of perhaps not concluding thought, but an ellipsis we can tag onto the. To the end of this, which is that these. These drugs exist on some level. The drug of, you know, wanting to see someone because we have needs. And someone would be listening to this, I think, and say, yeah, but Matt, like, my God, I found someone I like hanging out with. I found someone that I feel comfortable sleeping with. I, you know, those are needs I have. I want to have connection in my life. I want to have someone that I could be sexual with. And I don't want to abstain from those things simply because I haven't met the love of my life. That I think is one of the strongest responses to something like this that someone can have. What do you say to that?

I understand that, and I think I don't. That's why I don't want to blanket say that anything casual is always. Is just completely forbidden and will mess you up. Sometimes there are little windows in your life if you're just getting back out there again after a breakup or you haven't been with anyone for a long time. Sometimes those situations give you something in that moment and they fulfill a need for connection and intimacy and even just making you a bit hopeful again that you'll meet someone you really like and you think, oh, this is nice. There's great people out there, you know, and that gives you hope. But I think you, you've got to watch out for the false, you know, the false satisfaction of just getting that hit, that craving of, oh, but I get connection from this person. Because what you're, what you're really getting into there is a scarcity mindset. You're saying that this is so rare, this is so unusual that I'm, I may be not likely to get what I really want, so I kind of settle for this. And I think, I think that's the danger if you're kind of secret doing it out of fear. And it's just fear that I won't find connection with someone who does want to be with me long term, fear that I won't find someone I'm attracted to like this. It's all just fear, fear, fear. And I think that's, that's the point to be really cautious of, because that's just not true. That's just a myth. And if you're, if you actually make room and get out there and repeat the same process again, you will find someone who actually is compatible and who wants what you really want.

And maybe that's a good. We can leave on that note, don't stay because you're scared. Stay because it's genuinely enjoyable. And when you're now staying more out of a fear of loss than the pleasure of actually being there, you know, it's time to go.

Yeah, absolutely.

Well, thanks for having me, Steve.

Thanks for being on the show, brother.

Are you. Where are people emailing in these days to get to tell us their stories, to tell us their anecdotes, to give us their. How they're applying these things. I want to hear from people.

Email me, as ever, @podcasty.com tell us about your situationship that you're in or that you're going to get out of. We love to hear all your stories and read every single one, so do keep them coming in.

Have you been reading them out loud, Steve?

I haven't been reading them out on the show.

What the hell?

Not yet.

That's the fun part. I don't. No one wants to hear you just reading them in private. We want to hear them out loud.

Okay, I'm gonna grab a handful. All the ones that come streaming in from this, I'm gonna grab a handful and with their permission, I'm gonna read them out on the show. Matt's gotta toddle his way off to Jiu Jitsu now, I believe.

Yeah, you've gotta probably go and eat some ramen or something. Whatever it is you're doing in Tokyo, I imagine that's just what you're doing all day.

I think today might be sushi day. But we'll see which way the wind blows.

Less cliche. I'm jealous. I'm just jealous that you're there and I'm not. All right. Love you, brother.

Love you, bro. Love you guys. See you soon.

I see the vlog sites. Got a new wife, Shorty Got a new boo. Yeah. Love. Beautiful. I'm looking for love.