5 Ways to Flirt When You’re Afraid They Won’t Reciprocate | Matt Monday

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Without tension, we just have conversation. But conversation plus tension equals I have to see you again. in this video, I want to show you how you can dramatically increase the amount of opportunities and attraction you are getting in your love life by showing you five tried and tested flirting techniques that not only work, but are subtle enough that you won't have to risk looking desperate or getting painfully rejected while trying them. I'm even going to illustrate one of them using Frodo baggins. Okay, well, not exactly Frodo, but Elijah Wood. and I am going to share something amazing my wife said to flirt with me in the very beginning of us knowing each other to illustrate one of my points. Our fear of how we will look when we try to flirt and the idea of it going wrong can make us spend our lives playing it safe, especially when it comes to the people we really like, which is understandable because we know it is their rejection that will hurt the most and because if it goes wrong we will have to move countries and there is still six months left on our apartment lease. But we can wind up playing it so safe that nothing interesting ever actually happens for us in love. We miss out on real opportunities where something could have blossomed and we have to live with this nagging feeling that at least some of why we are single might be to do with the way we are holding ourselves back. All right, let's jump into it. Here are the five risk-free ways that you can start flirting to get way more attraction. And at the end of the video, I will tell you what all of these five things have in common. Number one, do 5% more than you would normally do. If you want to avoid looking desperate while flirting, it might help to start by taking the word flirting out of your mind for a moment. Consciously or unconsciously, many of us connect flirting to sexuality in our minds. And this isn't wrong in the sense that flirting with someone is just another point on a continuum towards connection and intimacy. But in our fear of coming across as overly sexual or even creepy, too often we default to shutting down and doing nothing. Now we find ourselves at an event we've been invited to, standing around waiting for someone to come over to us instead of just looking for the small ways that we can initiate. For example, you could be standing in a line to get in somewhere next to someone who looks as cold as you feel and say to them, oh no, we should have brought bigger jackets, shouldn't we? Does this constitute flirting? if it's done with a certain playful openness to possibility, yes. Or you're just being friendly. Who knows? That's the whole point. Flirting isn't binary where you're either doing it or you're not. That kind of thinking is what makes us overthink it. It's more like a temperature gauge in a car that you can turn up or down. First, you have to turn the engine on, which means engaging somebody in however small of a way. and when you start small, it's barely even detectable because you're doing and saying things that could be completely innocuous if someone who was already in a relationship was saying them. But if you keep going, at some point you start to feel the car warming up. And by the way, interacting and engaging new people 5% more than you normally do may feel like a lot to you, but on the outside it won't feel like a lot to other people. When I'm coaching people in business or online in how to make a bigger impact with their presence, if I ask them to use their body more than they normally do when they make a video, they will initially move a tiny bit more and think that it was over the top, when to the audience it would have barely even registered. Okay, so now that the engine is on, how do you turn up the temperature a little bit without overexposing yourself to rejection? At some point in a conversation, we need to move to this flirting technique. Number two, switch to the language of tension. I've been coaching people in their love lives for nearly two decades now, and there is a certain kind of person who always tells me, Matthew, I have no problem talking to people. It's what I do for my job. But nothing ever seems to come of it when it's in my romantic life. This is extremely common. This type of person may well be doing a good job of turning on the engine, i.e. Engaging people, and maybe the temperature gets to a comfortable 70 degrees, but it never goes above that into true sexual chemistry. That's because in their conversations, they are never creating tension. Without tension, we just have conversation. But conversation plus tension equals I have to see you again. So why wouldn't someone be creating tension? It could be for a number of reasons. Maybe they're talking too much, or maybe they've turned the conversation into a predictable interview instead of a surprising back and forth. Maybe they never break away from the conversation. So the person they're talking to starts to feel a little bit trapped. Have you ever had that feeling where you were initially glad that someone started talking to you, but with every additional minute you start wondering how you're ever going to get out of the conversation? Well, tension can mean breaking away from the conversation for a moment, maybe to talk to somebody else, but then finding ways to reinitiate. Imagine it like this. When you don't know someone, there's space between you. But then you close down that space when you initiate with them, when you start talking to them, whether it's in real life or online. Now, at some point, you recreate that space, not from the point of view of game playing, but simply because you have other things drawing your attention. So if you'd met someone and started talking to them in real life, the things that might draw your attention are conversation with other people in the room. Or if you met someone on a dating app, the other things drawing your attention away from texting them back might be your life. Now, at some point, Having recreated some space between you and them, you want to close down that space again. But when you do close down that space again, your presence is even more intensely felt because you recreated some space. This is the essence of tension. Closing down space, recreating space. Closing down space, recreating space. For example, let's say you're having a great conversation with an alluring stranger at an event. you're both bonding over the fact that you are hyper rational people who feel out of kilter with a lot of new age beliefs that people casually throw into conversation these days. Then you get separated. They end up talking to these people over here, you end up talking to this person over here. You're both a little disappointed maybe that the conversation got cut short and now you're not talking anymore. But as you're talking to this new person with your full attention, I might add, they start talking out of nowhere about past lives. In fact, they go one step further and inform you that they were in fact a healer in a small village in 12th century Ireland in a past life. Now, what's happened here is you were speaking to someone, space got recreated, but now you have a chance to reinitiate and close down space again. So you could lean over to that person that you want to flirt with again and say playfully and excitedly, remind me to tell you about the greatest conversation I just had. That's tension. You were separated, which created space, but then you reinitiated in an intriguing and almost conspiratorial way. Let me say, I know that the examples in this video are extremely specific because that's how flirting is. It is very scenario dependent. And you may be wondering how to flirt in your specific scenario that you're facing, whether you're talking to someone from an app or you're meeting up with someone tonight or you've known them for a long time and you're trying to get out of the friend zone. You can go and get advice for your specific scenario from my tool, Matthew AI right now. And until Friday for five more days, Matthew AI is available for an entire month for only seven dollars. And you can use it for as many hours as you want, unlimited for those seven dollars. So go ask Matthew AI your specific scenario. This is the most affordable Matthew AI has ever I just want more people to go and experience it and try it and see how valuable it is. So just until Friday for the next five days, it is $7 for the entire first month. You can go and grab this deal at askmh.com and by the way, Matthew AI can help with scenarios you wouldn't believe. Me and my team have put it through its paces on the Love Life Podcast. We asked it extraordinarily specific and ridiculous questions and somehow it still managed to give us amazing answers. AmaZing answers.

I have an extensive collection of antique brooches, and it's important to me to wear as many as possible. How many is too many brooches to wear on one blouse in the first date?

There's a stat. What's the stat now on how many questions Matthew AI has answered?

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I'd say it's sort of like perfume or cologne. Less is more.

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I'm gonna say three brooches.

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It allows you to showcase your collection and express your personality without overwhelming your outfit or making it feel too busy.

Wow. Well, here's you. I wanna like, if Matthew AI was here right now, I wanna do like a high five. So there you go. Now you know how many brooches you can wear on a date. So this is your chance to go try it for $7 for an entire month. See what answers Matthew AI comes up with for you. The link to try is askmh.com so what is this incredibly powerful flirting technique I was talking about? Number three, create a shared world. I remember a friend of mine telling me a story of how he first got started flirting with his girlfriend back when they met in a class that they were taking together. One day in class he kept complaining about how hungry he was so she gave him an apple. The next day as a joke he came in and handed her an apple almost as if it was a ritual that had begun between them. This in fact did start an ongoing joke where they would now bring each other apples but in more and more surprising ways. He even had a gathering at his house with the whole class where one of the food items he put out was apple slices and peanut butter, all as a private nod to this little world that they had created together. There's something so attractive about these shared little worlds that we create with a person. Not only is it a private space we occupy with them that is exclusive to the two of us, it also sends a signal. that there is a connection. Because if there wasn't a connection, this world wouldn't have been able to be constructed. It required both people to recognize a moment to run with it and turn it into a pattern so that at a certain point it just became their thing. In this case, the apple was the first moment. But my friend first had to recognize that the apple had potential to be something. It had potential to be a moment and not just someone kindly giving him a snack because he was hungry. In a sense, he was doing what all great improvises do. He was yes anding the apple by bringing her an apple of his own the next day. He established a game and she then had to pick up that game and run with it herself. Otherwise it doesn't work, right? It's not working if you're just doing it in one direction. But if the two of you are in this game, all of a sudden it becomes a really fun way to flirt. each time one of them yes and did the game, they were calling back not only to the original joke, but to the connection between them. Games are fun, and when we have a game like this with someone, they associate that fun with us. And by the way, games also keep us on our toes. They force us to recognize the pattern so that we can keep up with the frequency. And in doing so, they force us to be present with someone, which is silent form of investment. Now, if all of this sounds a little bit difficult to you, just try this as an exercise in flirting. The next time you're in a conversation with someone, start trying to notice the little things that you can react to. Instead of hearing them mention a ski trip they went on and then thinking, I like skiing too, and then storing that information and ignoring the next three minutes of them talking until you can mention that fact, Let it go. Have an abundant mindset in conversation where you practice not just jumping in with the first thing to say and instead trust that more will come to you. Be present with every line that they're saying. Be light on your feet. Realize that the first thing you come up with is probably not going to be the best thing and instead just look for ways to play. Leverage the fact that in any given moment of a conversation, you can infuse something unexpected. Flirting technique number four, practice changing gears. In years past, I did multiple TV shows where I was asked to do a play by play analysis of what was happening on a first date between two people. Now, on several of these occasions, I was in a room with monitors watching the date as it unfolded. I cannot tell you how many times I witnessed there being absolutely no chemistry between the two people on the date because the pace of the date was always stuck in one gear. Usually it meant that everything was moving too fast. Right? This is the energy of anxiety on a date, by the way, where people talk over each other, move too quickly with their gestures, never leave a single pause, and make way too many affirmative noises and fast head nods when someone else is talking. In other words, there is never any space for tension to build because everything is moving at such a frenetic pace. There is a reason that seduction is associated with slowing things down, prolonged eye contact, and giving yourselves time to really take each other in. Of course, it's not about being the complete opposite of that energy all the time either, where the conversation has no life and we are super low energy the entire time. Attraction is created in the contrast of being able to change gears. This car analogy really has legs, by the way, or wheels. Sometimes on a date, it's high energy. You're excitedly talking about something, or you both can't stop laughing and joking and hopping from one idea to the next. Then all of a sudden, they're telling a story more slowly. drawing you in, holding eye contact as you both feel every tiny detail of the moment. Flirting doesn't have just one rhythm. As a general rule, when you want to create more tension and anticipation, slow down. When you want to create more excitement, speed up. But neither of these are low energy states. They are both infused with an intense presence, expressiveness and sense of connection. To illustrate this point, I'm going to play a video of Elijah Wood on the YouTube channel First We Feast talking about his favorite sandwiches.

Turkey sandwich or egg salad sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Turkey sandwich or tuna sandwich? Tuna sandwich. Tuna sandwich or ham sandwich? Ham sandwich. ham sandwich or PB and J. Ham sandwich. Ham sandwich or fluff or nutter. Ham sandwich. Ham sandwich or grilled cheese. Ham sandwich. Ham sandwich.

I want you to just take a moment, by the way, to see how many different expressions are coming out on his face. There is something almost flirtatious and endearing and attractive just about all the different expressions he's using and It's also interesting to watch him taking what is a very fun, silly game seriously. There's something endearing about that. That's part of the game. It's fun to watch him be serious about something playful.

Ham sandwich or BLT? Ham sandwich. Ham sandwich or pastrami sandwich? We're talking like Langer's number 13 pastrami. Pastrami or lobster roll? BosTer roll. BosTer roll or club sandwich? I can never not order a club. Club sandwich or bond me.

Even that moment where he's like, I can never not order a club. There's something sort of flirty about that. It's cheeky. Even if you don't want to use the word flirty, it's cheeky. There's something endearing and cheeky about this energy. And look how quickly it changes from one energy to another. Serious. To playful. Playful to cheeky. And back to serious.

Club sandwich or banh mi?

Banh mi.

Banh mi or meatball sub? Banh mi. Banh mi or Italian sub? Banh mi.

Ooh.

Or Italian sub? Banh mi.

Banh mi.

It's the best. It's like one of the greatest sandwiches of all time.

I think there is something to learn from this little seemingly nothing to do with flirting moment. And by the way, I'm not the only one who picked up on this energy. Let me read you some of the comments underneath this video that I screenshotted. I have never found Frodo more attractive. All we want is someone to smile at us the way he smiles at ham sandwich. I agree. Why is he so charming? LOL. His face is so lit up and happy thinking about these sandwiches. Elijah is just so mesmerizing. A pleasure simply viewing his reactions to these options. Seeing his face light up at these choices was magical and nothing can change my mind. This video highlights another key point about flirting, which should give comfort to anyone who is worried about coming off as desperate when they flirt. You can be mesmerizing and create tension talking about anything, even sandwiches. We have to get out of such a literal mindset with flirting. It is an energy, not a direct reference to anything seductive or sexual. Which brings us on to what my wife Audrey said to me when we were on one of our earliest dates that was really powerful from the point of view of flirting. and it also relates to technique number five. Notice something about a person, but in a flirtatious way. On one of our earliest dates, I ordered something spicy and Audrey looked at me and said, I think it's really attractive when someone likes spicy food. I think it says a lot about them. What a little flirt. She's sitting there behind the camera right now, avoiding eye contact with me. It's not like she said this and just stared at me, by the way. that would have been strange. Instead, she sort of dropped it in casually and then kept going with the conversation. Now, you don't have to wait till date three to do this. You could be on FaceTime with someone and see a piece of art on their wall, let's say from the movie Spirited Away. I'm saying that because I'm a geek about that movie. But let's say someone had a piece of art like that on their wall. You could say, is that a Spirited Away picture on your wall? When they say yes, you say, well played. Now they may say, how come? And you say, nothing, just you went up a notch in my books without realizing it. Or maybe you just saw it on their dating app picture and you do it as part of your first message to someone. You say, do you want to know the main reason I swiped right? Your spirited away poster. These comments aren't remotely sexual, but they carry a flirtatious energy. So what do all five of these things have in common? They're not something someone can reject. It's not you telling someone you think they're gorgeous and then bracing for impact as they weigh up what to do with this immense power you've given them. They are simply ways to start the engine and then gradually turn up the temperature in the car. Yes, we're back in the car. Don't forget to also get your $7 offer on Matthew AI for an entire month unlimited by going to askmh.com, grab it right now, there's only five more days left on this and enjoy it. Ask anything you want, literally.