6 Behaviors That Kill Relationships | Rewind

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Hey, it's Matthew. I wanted to share this powerful clip with you today about the behaviors that we engage in that can subtly damage our relationship if we're not careful and how to recover quickly if you've done any of these things. Check it out. Tension and conflict are an inevitable part of any relationship. It might be a moment when he said he would text you at the end of a night out after being with his friends and he didn't. It might be the moment where he interacts with someone in a way that makes you feel jealous. Or maybe he was blase about something that was really important to you. Or forgot something, a promise that he'd made to you. Tension in these moments is inevitable, but damage to the relationship is not. You see, it doesn't necessarily matter what you argue about. but it does matter how you argue about it. And most of us have some kind of reactions that we do when we're feeling scared and hurt that destroy instead of develop the relationship. I want you to take a moment to be really honest with yourself and think about what yours are. What's your pattern? I'll name a few and I want you to see which of these you relate to. Number one, we go silent. When our partner does something we don't like, we go into ourselves and we give them the silent treatment. Number two, we storm off. We make a point of getting out of their vicinity, not giving them a chance to talk to us, but instead just disappearing. Number three, we label our partner. Instead of saying that was a selfish thing you did, we say, you,'re a selfish person. Four, you make the argument black and white. He's wrong, you're right, and there is no room for interpretation or for listening to both sides of the argument. Number five, instead of communicating with him you simply vent to your friends, often vilifying him in their eyes in the process. On number six you go on the attack with vicious comments that are designed to inflict pain, not solve problems. What we have to remember about these reactions is that they are reactions to fear. Fear that we're not enough, fear that we won't be loved, fear of abandonment, or fear that we chose the wrong partner in life. When we're afraid, we do crazy shit. Why? Because we're all a little fucked up. We all are. And although we're working on that, we know that in the meantime, while we're working through our own issues, we have to have better response systems for dealing with conflict. Because even though we might not fully have a handle on every single one of our emotions in every given moment, what we can control is our reaction to those emotions. So what are the trained responses that we should be working on? Instead of going silent, speak. Instead of disappearing, stay and solve. Instead of labeling your partner and denigrating their character, focus on the behavior you didn't like. Instead of making things black and white, allow for nuance in the argument. Allow for complexity. One of my favorite phrases in life is why can't both be true? Why can't it be true that something he did was selfish and also that he didn't really mean to be? Or that maybe you overreacted in the moment? why can't both be true? Instead of going to your friends with a propaganda campaign on how badly he acted, choose one person or two people that are grounded, that help you organize your thoughts, and then go back to him to talk. And use restraint with the kind of words and phrases and attacks that tomorrow you will wish you could take back. Look, when we're feeling vulnerable or afraid, we all have our own special brand of crazy. But When the intoxication of fear wears off, all we will be left with is a reaction we are ashamed of. When I see someone acting in weird or wonderful ways, I don't see a crazy person. I see someone who's scared. But what we have to be big enough to realize is that relationships are made or broken in the moments of conflict and tension. We have to learn how to navigate those moments because that will be the difference between finding and keeping lasting love or losing it forever. Thanks for listening to the episode. And before you go anywhere, if you are struggling to move on from someone right now, I have something that's really going to help. It's a video@moveonstrong.com that shows you how to build up your confidence again so that you're ready to go and take on the world. Check it out@moveonstrong.com. https://www. Reddit.com/r/AskReddit.