15 Jul 2022 · 4 min
Matthew Hussey and Lindsay explore what confidence actually is: a feeling of certainty that comes from competence and experience, not boldness. They explain how to build it by shifting focus from external validation to your own intentions, and how nerves and confidence can exist together.
Every day, our world gets a little more connected, but a little further apart. But then there are moments that remind us to be more human.
Thank you for calling Amica Insurance.
Hey, I was just in an accident.
Don't worry, we'll get you taken care of.
At Amica, we understand that looking out for each other isn't new or groundbreaking.
It's human.
Amica, empathy is our best policy.
Oikos presents 15 seconds of strength. Here we go. Steve's got a trunk full of groceries and no one to help him. Oh, that's tough, Jim. Looks like a five-trip load, at least. He grabs the first bag, the second, Bob, it looks like he's trying to do it all in one trip. He shimmies the door open, steps over the dog. Oh, and he stumbles. Oh, right into the kitchen without missing a beat. Jim, now that's a man who eats his protein-packed Oikos. With 15 grams of complete protein in.
Each cup, Oikos triple zero can help build strength for every day. Oikos, stronger makes everything better. Instead of trying to get confident, about something you can never be certain of. Just change the focus of where you're looking for certainty and you can immediately be more confident. Welcome everybody to the Love Life Podcast. I am Matthew Hussey and this is a clip from the archives that I think is really going to help you with your confidence today. Check it out and I'll speak to you at the end of the episode.
Confidence. I feel like that is the most attractive thing about a person. I think you say that in your book. It's something that we hear over and over and over that the most attractive thing you can ever wear is confidence. And so, I want to hear from you what does confidence look like? Because I think a lot of us kind of see a specific person or a specific type when we think of confidence. But from you, what is it?
Yeah, I suppose there is a kind of caricatured version of confidence, which is just someone who is very bold, quite outspoken, occasionally, I suppose, just gregarious. You know, we think of someone who's very outgoing. I think that's a That isn't a true definition of confidence. The dictionary definition of confidence is a feeling of certainty about something. And of course, that doesn't necessarily imply good or bad. We can feel secure right now having this conversation because I'm certain that the ceiling isn't about to fall on my head. You know, that's just a feeling of certainty that gives me a level of of comfort and ease. You know, I can have a feeling of comfort right now because I'm certain that I can have this conversation with you because I've done a lot of public speaking in my life over the last 14 years and therefore feel a sense of comfort and certainty about my ability to do this. So, there is a kind of confidence that comes from certainty and in a lot of areas of our life that can come from certainty can come from competence, from having done something a lot and being good at it. So you could be, you know, you are of course extraordinarily competent on stage Lindsay and therefore there will be a level of confidence that you have when you take the stage, which importantly doesn't mean that you have no nerves. Before you step on stage, it just, which you may or may not, you can tell me, but it doesn't mean that you have no nerves. It just means that when it really comes down to it, you do have a feeling of security on stage. Because, you know, I've been here before, I've done this before, I know how to do this.
Yes, I love that. And, you know, when you just say it, it's a sense of, wait, what was the definition you said? I lost my story.
A feeling of certainty.
About certainty. It really does take it into a whole different perspective and it kind of makes you realize that you don't have to be any sort of personality type in order to be this confidence that we all kind of immediately go to think of a certain kind of person. It's like, no, you can be silent and show confidence. Confidence doesn't need words. It doesn't mean to be a certain personality type. Like you said, I love that you said you can be nervous and be confident because I still do get nervous every time before I go on stage and I literally stand backstage and do what I know I need to do, my deep breaths and I like visualize really quickly and I remind myself that I've warmed up, I've done everything I need to do to prepare and like you said, I've done this before. And so it is kind of like, wow, you can be nervous and be confident, you can be shy and be confident and any personality type. can have that sense of attractive confidence that we all want.
Yeah, that's exactly right. And it's important not to, if we change what we need to feel certain about, that can be a great help. If you say, if before I go on stage, I try to get certain that everyone is gonna agree with me, That's a problem because I'm basing my certainty on something that I cannot control and therefore the confidence I have is going to be very flimsy. If I base my confidence on the certainty that I really am going to go out there and show these people that I care, that's going to give me a different level of confidence because now it's not about making everyone like me. It's about actually demonstrating that My intentions are really good, that I genuinely care about helping people today, and that I'm going to do everything in my power to do that while I'm on stage. In a relationship, our certainty can come, you know, if our certainty has to come from, I'm certain that this person will never hurt me, then we're always going to be looking for reassurance, because we never can be fully confident that someone is never going to hurt us. hope that we've chosen wisely. We can make sure that the evidence of the relationship suggests that this person has our best, you know, has our interests at heart and isn't going to go and hurt us recklessly. But we never know for sure. And a lot of people never feel safe in a relationship because they're basing all of their confidence on needing this person to guarantee that they'll never leave or never hurt them. And then we're looking every day for reassurance. Did you mean what you said yesterday? Are you really going to stay with me? Are you really never going to cheat on me? We can never get enough reassurance, and reassurance always needs to be topped up. Whereas if you base your certainty in a relationship on the idea that you know what? I've always been okay. I have had relationships that have ended and I've survived and I'm still here. If this person, God forbid, cheats on me or hurts me or leaves me, I will still be okay. In other words, my certainty can come from my ability to handle difficult situations, not on difficult situations not happening. So that's like a nice little hack for confidence is instead of trying to get confident about something you can never be certain of. Just change the focus of where you're looking for certainty and you can immediately be more confident. I hope you enjoyed that episode, everyone. Don't forget, go over to askmh.com to join an entire community of amazing women who are working on their confidence, not overthinking, and just feeling amazing in their own skin. You can join that community and it's a beautiful place to be by going to askmh.com and be part of my exclusive coaching experience. I'll see you there.
