7 Essential Mindsets for Surviving Modern Dating | Matt Monday

You're not listening to me, Matthew Hussie. This isn't my problem right now. My problem is that I found someone I like already and yeah, maybe they're my type or maybe they're not. That's besides the point. The problem is they don't want to commit, you idiot. There are five words I have heard so many times over 18 years of coaching people in their love lives. Maybe you've even said them to yourself. What's more surprising is that these words often come from people who are genuinely looking to find the love of their life. What are they? I'm so done with dating. Maybe you've said it yourself. Maybe you've heard it from a friend. Either way, I get it. Dating can be exhausting, awkward, and just end up feeling like a chore that takes us away from other things and people in our lives that we actually care about. If you're having these feelings, I want you to know that they're both normal and extremely common. We all have that stage when we're in the middle of something and we hit what's known as the dip. I felt like this when I was writing my book Love Life. We get stuck, feel like we're bashing our head against the wall, and we can't look at it anymore. We end up resenting the entire process. There's a question that Tim Ferriss poses in situations like this. What would this look like if it were easy? It's a simple question, but it asks us to step back and see if there's a different way to approach the thing altogether. I believe that there is a useful variation that we can ask ourselves if we feel burned out in our dating lives. what would this look like if it were fun again? You see, if we approach dating with a new set of beliefs, it can actually feel natural, low pressure, and dare I say, even enjoyable. And finding the process enjoyable again might actually be the key to finding love. So today, I am gonna give you seven key mindsets that you can adopt immediately that will completely change the way you approach dating and let you see it again with fresh eyes. [Enclosure] Mindset number one. I am just here to connect with a human being. Dating shouldn't feel like a job interview or a test that either of you can pass or fail. All it really is is figuring out, do I like being around this person? Is there some feeling of connection? Do I find them attractive, funny, interesting. That's it. We go to extremes in our head, like asking ourselves, is this the absolute 100% right person for me? Our mind gets so focused on an outcome. We overthink, we get ahead of where we are, and we set up lofty expectations that in all honesty are probably unfair to ask someone to fulfill over a few drinks on a Friday night. So the next time you go on a date, Try this. Drop the pressure. Stop thinking about whether this person is the one and just focus on what you feel in the moment. Lead with curiosity. You can even play a game that works anytime you're meeting people in a social setting. Ask yourself, can I learn what is interesting about this person? What can I enjoy about this conversation? the advantage of this is twofold. If you show up and you're not immediately attracted to them on a date, you don't have to feel overwhelmingly disappointed with how you're spending your time for the next hour. If you really do fancy them, you're not immediately putting them on some kind of pedestal where you now feel like you have to win them over. If your mindset is, I'm just here to meet someone and see what's interesting about them, the pressure, is off. No stress, no overthinking, just curiosity. Oh, and if your dates do feel too much like job interviews, Matthew AI makes an excellent wingman on a first date. You can ask for opening lines, flirting tips, questions to build connection, even a text for when you get home and you want to reinitiate. Plus, it's on your phone, so you can, you know, just sneak off to the bathroom mid date and speak to me whenever you get stuck. For those of you who don't know, Matthew AI is like having me in your pocket at all times. It is trained on 18 years of my content, books and courses. So when you ask Matthew AI a question via phone or text, it is the same as if you hunted me down to the ends of the earth for a private coaching session. So go try it. Ah. What the... the beast stung me. Mindset number two, it is not a waste of time just because it doesn't lead anywhere. Dating apps have made us just a teensy bit cutthroat. Almost like, if we don't find our soulmate immediately, it's a failure. But that is not how dating works. Some dates are fun, but there's no real spark. Some turn into short flings, but you realize the connection isn't quite there. Some lead to a possible romance, but one of you just isn't quite up for making the effort. None of that is a waste of time. It's all part of the process. It's experience. It's getting to know different people. learning what you want and getting closer every time, even if by learning what we most definitely do not want next time around. When we tell ourselves it has to be the one or it's a waste of my time, we put too much pressure on people who could actually turn out to be right for us, often dismissing them before we even get to know them. Not to mention when we go embracing ourselves, afraid of having our time wasted, and therefore scrutinizing every detail of a person and our interactions with them to make sure we don't have our time wasted, we can end up seeming bitter and quite unpleasant, being borderline angry at someone for being yet another person we've decided isn't right for us. We lose our generosity of spirit, which is one of the core things that will make us attractive to the right person. Remember, you always have the option to cut it off when you think there's no future with someone. But if we have a binary mindset of telling ourselves it's the real thing or it's a waste of time, then we never give ourselves the chance for something to grow in the first place and our negative energy ends up working against us. Instead, go into dating with an open mind and see everything as an opportunity to learn something new. Mindset number three, my type is a fluid concept. We often find dating difficult when we go into it with enormous checklists in our minds for the type of person we should be with. Sometimes this idea is just based on a story we've told ourselves. I need someone who does this kind of job with this kind of look, these hobbies, these interests. But hunting for a unicorn closes us off to all sorts of surprising and fantastic beasts we might meet along the way. When you first meet someone on a dating app, the only things that really should matter are do I feel a little attraction? Not, oh my God, they're so gorgeous and exactly my type attraction, but, Hmm. Am I enjoying speaking to them? And does it feel natural? And do they seem like a good person? And are they being respectful? That's it. Whether or not they fit into some preordained idea of our type created by a younger version of us who unknowingly decided that type based on some crush they had on a TV character when they were 21, should not be the deciding factor. Our story about who we should be with can hold us back and limit our options. Look, sometimes we go on dates with people who aren't exactly our type and it doesn't work out. But simply going on the date has broadened our horizon in some subtle way and expanded our options in the world. But we cannot broaden our horizons of potential partners by swiping at home in front of the TV. we have to actually sit face to face with someone to see how they make us feel in person. And that may end up not being the person who ticks every box on an abstract checklist that you've built in your mind. So much of what we actually experience as attraction happens in real life interaction. Have you ever had a crush on someone you know from real life? And when you've shown pictures of them to friends, you keep finding yourself saying, that's not a good one of them. Well, that's because attraction isn't a picture. It's a movie. Animation is attraction, not a static image. But what if you're sitting there watching this right now and you're saying to yourself, you're not listening to me, Matthew Hussie. This isn't my problem right now. My problem is that I found someone I like already. And yeah, maybe they're my type, or maybe they're not. That's besides the point. The problem is they don't want to commit, you idiot. Aha. Do not fear my little love sub. That's what I call people who subscribe to my channel. Matt, we can't call them love subs. But that's what I call people who subscribe to my channel. Yeah, you shouldn't call anyone that. Aha. Do not fear my love pickle. Okay, well we'll figure it out later. Mindset number four, rejection doesn't mean rejection. We hold ourselves back from so many things in life because of this looming boogeyman of rejection. But let's be real, we reject people all the time. They just never hear about it. Or maybe we've flaked on people just as others have flaked on us. Think about the last time you weren't into someone. Did you sit there thinking, wow, They're inherently unlovable. No, you just thought, eh, not the right fit. There are way too many reasons people might flake or cancel a date or hit pause that we just can't take it to heart. Maybe their ex just reached out and they're still not over them. Maybe they have too much going on and they just don't know you well enough to drop it all. Maybe they have esoteric tastes that barely anyone could fulfill. Maybe they have toxic attraction patterns and you were too nice for them. Maybe they just don't value relationships. Believe me, I know how bruising it can feel in the moment when you get excited about someone and then they slam the brakes on what seemed like a good thing. But we get to decide its meaning. And we should take the positive version of that story since frankly, so much of rejection isn't actually a rejection of us. It doesn't mean there's anything broken or wrong or unlovable about us. It just means that they weren't going to be the person who could meet our needs. Because one of our needs is being adored and wanted for who we are. Is it not? If someone truly rejected you for who you are, they might just have bad taste. And who wants to be with someone who has bad taste? Not me, not Hermione, not you. Speaking of which, Mindset number five, disinterest is a turn off. I'm going to say this loud and clear. If someone is inconsistent, hot and cold, flaky, sends one word texts, that has to be a turn off. I cannot stress this enough. If everyone made this fundamental shift internally, it would save people's love lives all over the world. Someone being aloof and uncertain of you shouldn't tempt you to chase more. It should make you think this is boring because it is. You want someone who gets giddy at the thought of having weekend plans with you, who smiles when your name pops up on their phone. If we don't make all of this a criteria for the person we date, our standards are too low. A relationship where you are always trying to keep someone's attention is a recipe for unhappiness. So start to see it for what it is. a huge turn off. Mindset number six. Finding a partner won't solve everything. Look, I am not here to patronize you and tell you that finding a healthy and loving partner isn't going to bring you more contentment and joy. But dating can suddenly become intensely high stakes when you feel like you're looking for the missing piece of the puzzle of your entire life. You know the feeling. This has to happen and if I screw it up with this person then what is my stupid life anyway feeling? But here's the thing, romance won't solve your life. Finding a partner won't mean the credits roll and you've won the game. It won't magically fix everything and mean you can drop everything else you care about. Romantic love is a special part of life but it's also just one part. You also have so many other rich, fulfilling, important things that are going to make up your life. Friends, family, your career, intellectual pursuits, quidditch, travel, creativity, your pets making a beautiful home. The less we build up the result of dating as the ultimate key to my complete and total happiness forever and ever, the more we can relax and make the actual dating process less stressful. and look, if you are in a place where the reason you feel impatient to meet someone is that you're worried about running out of time on your dream of having biological children, that's real. It's crazy to think that something so fundamental to many of our dreams is something that feels like another person holds the key to. If we never find love, it's not just like the ship of our love lives is sinking, but that that ship has on board a safe. And inside that safe is a long-held dream we feel needs to happen for our life to be fulfilled. If you relate to this feeling, I cannot do it justice right here, right now. But in my book, Love Life, I wrote an entire chapter on my answer to this particular source of suffering, which I strongly encourage you read. Mindset number seven. you only need one. Only one person in the world needs to decide that you are who they want to be with. You only need to be one person's cup of tea, not everyone's. Our role is to make sure that we're doing our part to actually show up and put ourselves in the position where we'll have the luck of meeting that person. and when you meet that person, none of the people who flake, fade or ghost you will ever matter again. They will all become completely irrelevant and it will amuse you how much air time you gave to thinking about them as if they were the headline. This whole game looks like this. You can date as many times as you want but you only need one to work. no matter what your situation is, I like those odds. Of course, we have things that we might feel make our situation harder than others, whether it's a decreasing dating pool at our age, being a single parent, finances, not feeling like we look our best right now or don't match up to the way other people look. All of this is real, but we have to begin with changing our mindset before anything else. This is one of the great things that we actually can control. To not see our challenges as insurmountable obstacles to meeting someone special. Because we don't need to attract everyone. We only need one. And we're exponentially more likely to find that person when we connect to the things that do make us a catch and approach dating with curiosity, fun, and a sense of openness. And remember, finding love isn't like winning the lottery. People do it every day. Whatever position you're in right now, someone out there who shares the exact same challenges as you is beginning the best relationship they've ever been in, and it could be your turn next. In the meantime, take the small wins. Every one small yes is a green light to keep going. One fun conversation, one moment of flirtation, one good date that you enjoyed. Celebrate every win and you'll actually find yourself enjoying the process instead of worrying about the finish line. The best news about finding love is that you don't need to be anything like perfect to win the game, but you do need to show up. Don't forget, by the way, to go and download my free guide that I just released. This one is new in the last couple of months. It's called Bold Standards and you can find it at boldstandards.com It teaches you how to articulate the difficult things that you want to say to someone in your love life. It can also be used in other parts of life too. So check it out at boldstandards.com.