Are You Choosing The Right "Type" Of Person To Date? | Rewind

Do we really want what we say we want? Or is what we want to be in this position of relative safety and to complain about it? What's up everybody? Matthew Hussey here. Welcome back to the Love Life Podcast. A fun, informative, insightful clip from one of our previous videos today. I think you're gonna love it. Check it out.

I think there's a difference between what people are attracted to or what's best for them and what you're used to. and I think sometimes your type comes from what you're used to and what you've had. And, and type can mean looks, you're blonde brunette, tall, short, thin, large, whatever. But it can just mean, it can mean certain behaviors or dynamics that you're used to.

Right.

It can mean different things like what your type is, but I think that people do When they go into dating apps, people often superficially have an idea of, I like sporty type. I like a preppy type of person. I don't like people who went to a posh school and had a silver spoon in their mouths all their life. People will have certain ideas that they just, they're just all these different mishmash of preferences, prejudices, habits, things you're used to. and I'm convinced that there's a lot of them that are just a distraction because they're not focused on behavior. They're not focused on character. They're not character based. They're a hodgepodge of ideas you've got in your head.

But I think you can have a type, a personality type as well, right? Meaning you can be attracted to very differently packaged people who have the same core.

Yes.

Right. They look very different, but they have the same kind of confidence or they have the same kind of humor.

Yeah, or even toxic traits as well. You can be attracted to the same toxic, one specific toxic trait over and over again, and it will just appear in all these different kinds of guys that you know, you then go, well, I don't have a type, but what your type is is, you know, asshole.

But some people do say that, right? I've had conversations with women before who have casually said, I'm attracted to guys who tell me when I should shut up. Like, I've heard a woman say that to me before. Like, I need a guy who's going to tell me when to shut up. That's a kind of toxic type, right?

Where did I get that recently? Someone said the exact same thing. Shut up, Matt. Stay on topic. That's why I'm attracted to Jameson.

Jameson, stop hitting on my partner.

Well, it won't be the same person, 'cause I had that conversation with someone in, like, a bar several years ago. And I was like, Wow, that's gonna be interesting.

Oh, it was a client. It was a client of mine. It was a client of mine who was dating someone who essentially said some version of the same thing, that I really need someone to put me in my place. Which is, that's interesting. And there will be that, now what's interesting about that is that that could be someone who, because that can take two forms. She could be very attracted to that kind of person, but she could end up going for the opposite because what she really wants is, like that kind of person feels like someone who won't put up with her stuff, whereas her insecurity has her keep going for safe guys who won't do that. Do you know what I mean? So it's actually quite possible for that person to keep dating people who don't do that because that's the actually getting what she wants in that area is scary because it's like, well, now I've got someone who who won't put up with what I do. But I keep dating guys. I can walk all over. So that I think there's an interesting thing, even in this types idea, that we might think, we might have a type that we're attracted to, but then keep going for people that we think are safe. And thereby we say what our type is, but we go for the opposite because we go for people that we feel aren't intimidating or can't make us. can't reject us.

Also, I think to piggyback off of that, you know, in this article it talks about when you date similar people and people like your past partners, you run across the same kinds of disagreements, the same number of arguments, the same problems, because what you're essentially doing is dating the same person over and over again. What's interesting is, you know, why we would look to do that. And could it be that we feel safe in those patterns? So when we know people's short, it's a little bit like the better the devil, you know, if you know someone's shortcomings, if you know that you're dating somebody who is this way and this way and this way, you can predict their behavior in a way where you feel safe, even if it's not conscious. Whereas if you date someone that's completely different, there's a new set of behavior that you're not used to that, you know, you then, it just sort of irks you a bit because you're not, you just don't feel safe in the same way that you do with someone.

Whose behaviors you predict. Yeah, in boxing one of the things I got taught was you're not fighting a person, you're fighting a style.

And.

When you fight a style enough times you get used to dealing with that style. And it might be that you keep changing the person in a relationship, but you keep getting the same style. And the attractive thing about that, even if it's uncomfortable or it comes with pain, is, as you say, better the devil you know is really a way of saying, I know the style that I'm dealing with here. I know how to counterpunch in this situation. I know what to anticipate. I can read the moves.

And even one step even deeper than that, could it be that, you know, you have your, your own issues and your own things that you're battling with? And so having someone, for instance, who is really jealous allows you to step back into a position of submission or calming them down or soothing them where you feel needed or you feel like you're constantly the evolved one in the relationship. So you get to also serve, you know, one of your own needs through their shortcomings or kind of more toxic traits, so to speak.

Yeah.

So it's sort of like that other, that other side of it, which is actually, you know, you can sit there and go, oh, I always date assholes. But really, what you're getting out of dating those kinds of people is the thing you're not speaking about. And your type is actually a way of making yourself feel good.

That's kind of a, the relationship equivalent of the big fish, small pond. idea is that you keep dating people where you get to feel like the big fish. You get to feel like the together one. It's kind of the same as the Jerry Springer effect, right? I'd rather watch Jerry Springer because it makes me feel good about, it makes me feel together. I don't wanna have to watch a bunch of people who are more evolved than me. That might mean I'd actually have some work to do. That might mean I'd actually have to grow. and I do think that is one of the reasons that people pick a safe type is that I don't actually have to grow. This is non-threatening this person does not challenge me. And although I complain to everybody, like, I always think, pay attention to the things that you complain about a lot, but you keep replaying the same Dynamic over and over again anyway, because If that's the case, you're getting something out of it.

Yeah, we talked about that existential kink.

Did we talk about that?

Yeah, we talked about that idea. I can't remember who has the term for it, but it's like the thing that you go like, oh, when my family always want me to do this, it's so annoying. And really, it's like, you love it. You love it that they all want you to do that. You love it. Or it's like, I hate that everyone asked me to fix stuff around the house. And it's like, You love that they want you to fix stuff around the house.

I heard Pete Holmes talking about a version of this.

Yeah, he's mentioned it on his podcast before.

Ah, okay, got it.

It's not his term, but he's mentioned it before, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And we have to be really careful of those things. Well, I mean, look, ultimately it forces us to confront the question, do we really want what we say we want, or is what we want to be in this position of relative safety and to complain about it. Like that actually might be the thing we want more. That's what's really fascinating about it. We often, you know, you can come from a place of thinking that you're helping someone. You know, when someone comes to you to complain about something and you think, I'm gonna help this person. I'm gonna help them see that there's a better way forward. and then they're gonna take that better way forward. And you don't realize you're just a porn.

Right. Yeah.

You're just a... All you are is an audience. Yeah. You're not there to help them make a change. You are just there to be this kind of part of this theater of, no, no, no, you don't understand. The thing that I want most is to stay exactly where I am and to talk about how bad it is. That's what I want most. You're mistaking me. You think I want to get out of this relationship. What I want most is to stay in it and complain about it. And that's where we have to get really self-aware about what is it I actually want? Because maybe I don't really want this thing that I keep saying I want. Maybe I am far more comfortable just talking about the thing that I want. Maybe I'm far more comfortable just talking about the fact that my partner doesn't have this, my partner doesn't have that. Because if I wanted it, needed those things so badly, then why am I not doing something about it? I hope you enjoyed that episode, everybody. Don't forget to leave us a review on iTunes. I will be reading them. We read them out on the longer episodes of the podcast, so maybe yours will be read out and I will speak to you in the next episode. Thank you so much for listening to the Love Life Podcast. We'll see you soon.