Tika, 25, ended a four-year relationship with a 33-year-old who wasn't committed or financially stable. Matthew Hussey validates her decision and explains why the doubt she feels after a breakup is normal. He tells her a partner should invest equally, and if he won't, the relationship won't improve.
Questions this episode answers
Four years.
Tika is 25; her partner is 33.
Training video "Three Mindsets that Drive Men Wild"; URL: lovelifepodcast.com/mindsets.
Chapters
Matthew Hussey here with Love Life. Do you ever feel like you keep attracting the wrong kinds of men? I can understand how frustrated and hopeless this must make you feel at times. All you want is a good guy who appreciates you and treats you well, someone who's a partner in all of life's ups and downs. But instead you end up with jerks. Well, you're not alone. So many women can relate to. I want you to smile right now because today I'm going to give you a simple way to get rid of the jerks and only attract quality men into your life. Before I give that to you, let's get into today's episode. We have a caller on the line today. Are you there, caller?
Hey, how you doing?
I'm good, thank you. What's your name, lovely?
I'm Tika.
Hi, Tika. So what's your question?
I've been in a four year relationship with a guy who's eight years older than me. I'm 25 and he's 33, and I'm more financially stable than he is by a lot. And he's just been kind of dragging his feet the entire relationship. And so I called things off on Sunday, but I'm just kind of having second thoughts about the decision that I made.
So he doesn't want to commit to something more like marriage or kids? Is that, is that what you're saying, or.
Yeah, I'm not ready for the kids yet. But, you know, to know that it's going somewhere would be, would be nice.
Would he talk about marriage or he would just avoid the subject?
No, he would talk about it, but, you know, and he even told me, yeah, Tika, I bought you a ring. But I'm like, why would you tell me that if you're not going to give it to me?
Right? So you had been dating for four years. What's the, what's the real issue here? Because I. Look, if someone tells you I have every intention of marrying you but you still feel like there's something wrong, then it's not. Then there's something deeper than his words going on. So what do you feel fundamentally was wrong with that relationship? If you could really simplify it, what, what would you simplify it to? Because I think what happens is we get very, very elaborate about our reasons for leaving a relationship. We, we feel the need almost to build a case about why we shouldn't be in that relationship. And we write, you know, we have all these different reasons why, but the, the reality is most of us don't leave a relationship because of 20 different reasons. We just do that to justify it to ourselves. Most of us leave a relationship because of one or two fundamental truths or feelings about that relationship. What is that fundamental truth for you?
I think I put more effort in it than he did, and I felt like I wasn't so much a priority.
Right.
Anything he asked of me, try my best to do it from. And I would hesitate to ask him for stuff because I already know what the answer is going to be.
Right. Because you would what? You would ask him for things and he just wouldn't keep to his promises or he just wouldn't. He wouldn't care enough to make it happen.
Exactly.
So your question is, what? Did you do? The right thing?
Yeah.
What do you think? Without my validation, what do you think, really?
I think I did simply because I'm thinking about me now and not so much him and his feelings, because he's not really thinking about me or my feelings. But I feel bad because I don't. I'm not the type of person to just be in a relationship for what somebody does for me or what they have, you know?
No, but there's a difference between being in a relationship for purely selfish reasons where you want someone to do these things for you, and being in a relationship for a mutual standard and level of respect that you have for each other. Where you say, I want to give you the world, but I also expect you to want to give me the world. I expect you to want to really meet me halfway and invest in this relationship. In other words, there's a difference between someone saying, I need you to do all of these things for me and saying, I need you to truly invest in our relationship, because that's what I'm prepared to do. Isn't that true?
Yes.
I think you already know it's the right decision. I can't tell you it's the right decision because that would be irresponsible of me. I obviously don't know your relationship. I don't know the guy. But. But I think you know that you made the right decision. And I think right now you're just scared. And I think that's completely human and understandable because most of us are scared when we leave a relationship. And that fear leads us to question all of our reasons for doing something. And let me tell you something, you might get more scared. Yeah. It might get worse before it gets better. And that's okay, too. That's something to be expected instead of when it does get worse. Thinking, oh, My God, I've made the wrong decision. Actually, you might just get scared, because that's what happens when we leave a relationship. We get scared. We get vulnerable. We get territorial over them all of a sudden because we don't want them to be anyone else's. Even though we don't think they're right for us. We start to make the relationship in our minds better than it actually was because we're lonely and because no one else has come along yet that is better than the person we were with. Maybe no one's come along at all. And we start saying, oh, my God, maybe I've. Maybe I've thrown away something that I'm not going to replace. But you'll replace it, Tika. This guy. You'll find someone better. And I don't mean someone better in the sense of you're going to find a much better man or whatever. I'm not. You know, sometimes people get a bit caught up in saying, you just need to find someone who's a better person. But the reality is you need to find someone who's better for you. Someone who is a guy that you actually want to spend your life with, is someone who's going to invest in you, is someone who. It won't. It won't be this difficult. You have to know that. That when it's the person that you should spend your life with, it won't be this difficult. You won't have to think this hard. And I'm not suggesting that the relationships we spend our lives in are perfect. I'm not saying they don't have things that we want to work on, but you can work on things from your side. You can't work on his stuff for him. So if you've tried with this guy, and right now it just fundamentally seems like he's not willing to put the investment into the relationship that you need him to, the chances are that's not going to get better. And I truly believe that there is someone out there for you and more likely many people out there for you that will be so much more right for you, because not only will you be attracted to them and think they're great, but they'll also be willing to give you the investment that you want.
Deep.
Okay, Tika, thank you so much for calling in. I really appreciate it. You're brave and honest and. And I love it. So thank you.
Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm so happy I got to talk to you.
Me, too. Me, too. Keep me up to date and. And stay strong. I know it's not easy, and no one can take that pain away for you, but we can at least be a team in getting through it, can't we?
Yes, we can.
All right, Tika, I'll speak to you soon. Okay. So we started off today talking about how you want to finally stop attracting the wrong men. I told you I have something for you that will show you how to make a quick shift that will bring the right kind of men into your life. Well, I've created a powerful training video for you called the Three Mindsets that Drive Men Wild. And it guides you through the simple steps that you you can take to attract the kind of men you truly want. To get your free access to three mindsets that drive men wild, just go to lovelifepodcast.com mindsets.
