Don’t Fall Into Another Casual Situationship! Say THIS Instead… | Matt Monday

Foreign.

Guys.

Before we start the episode, if you have not watched the replay yet of the Year of Love Live event I did this month, please go watch it now. It's only available for a couple more days. It was a completely free event. We had thousands of people from all over the world attend this event. Thousands more are watching the replay before it goes away. I am showing you how to design a year in 2026 that you invites the right love into your life. So I don't care if you're ready to give up on dating because dating sucks. Do not give up on love. I want to show you a better way. Go to MH yearoflove.com and watch this replay before it goes away. Please don't miss this. That's MH yearoflove.com Now onto the episode. When I'm overwhelmed and overloaded, the first thing to go is my nutrition. So if that's you, I see you. The good news is Blue Apron just made things a whole lot easier. It is the ultimate hack for getting a nutritious, delicious dinner on the table in 30 minutes or less. Trying to eat better can feel like one too many things when time for meal planning and prep is limited. That's where Blue Apron comes in. Their meals are chef crafted and nutrition informed, striking the balance between bold flavor and being genuinely nourishing. With dozens of options including meals with 40 plus grams of protein, there is something for everyone. You'll also find choices on heart, healthy fats, fiber, rich vegetables and whole grains. Everything arrives pre portioned so you are getting what your body needs. Order now@blueapron.com and get 50% off your first two orders plus free shipping with code LOVELIFE50. Terms and conditions apply. Visit blueapron.com terms for more information.

What's up everybody?

Welcome to another episode of Love Life. I am Matthew Hussey and today we have a dear friend of mine that I am having a conversation with, Tanya Rad if you don't know Tanya. She's a nationally recognized TV and radio personality. She co hosts On Air with Ryan Seacrest. She's also the co host of two time People's Choice Award winning podcast Scrubbing In. She's an author, a content creator and someone who has a passion for female empowerment, health and wellness and creating community. And today we have a really interesting conversation that spans everything from how to be more proactive in your dating life and literally we get very, very practical here about how to meet more people, how to open the conversation when you want to start a conversation with a complete stranger that you find attractive, how to speak about your intentions early on in the dating process so that you don't waste time, how to keep your standards high even when you're tempted to break them, and a whole host of other things that will help you not only find the love that you're looking for, but make sure that it turns into a real relationship. This is a really powerful conversation. Tanya is so vulnerable and she also gets so practical, mostly because I probe her for very specific answers to what she did in her life. But it actually turns out to be immensely useful for anybody who is single right now and out there looking for love. Before we get into the interview, if you haven't already, go and watch Dating with Results. My free one hour training on how to go out there, find the love you want, avoid the mistakes that so many people make along the way that lead to unnecessary heartbreak and casual hookups that don't go anywhere and feel confident in the process. It is a powerful training. It's completely free and you can get a 48 hour pass to the training by going to datingwithresults.com so go over there now before you do anything else. The second most important thing you can do today is listen to this interview right now. The first most important thing, if love or finding love is a priority for you this year is going to watch Dating with Results. So that link again is datingwithresults.com I'll see you over there. And now let's get onto this interview with Tanya Rad.

What's up everybody? Welcome back to the Love Life Club. So good to have you all here with us. And my very special guest, Tanya Rad. I'm going to.

Hello everybody.

I have Tanya and I have been friends for years so I'm going to introduce her formally to pay her the respect that she deserves. But I know Tanya unofficially through so many different, well, friendship over the years and just things we've done together including the we. You produced my show on iHeartRadio, which is crazy. Yeah.

And then I just became a massive.

Fan and we became, and we became friends and over time I just, I've watched Tanya's journey just to this. It's been amazing. But for those of you that don't know Tanya, she's a nationally recognized TV and radio personality. She co hosts on Air with Ryan Seacrest and two time People's Choice award winning podcast Scrubbing In. She's an author and content creator with a passion for female empowerment, health and wellness and creating community and she also wrote this book, the Sunshine Mind, with your friend.

Yes, one of my very best friends.

100 days to finding the hope and joy you want. So we'll talk about this. We have so much to talk about today. I have a whole page of notes of things that I want to go through with you.

Yeah, this is really cool because I feel like you're somebody that I really admired throughout my entire journey of career, but also like my love life. And I feel like you've been there for me through so many ups and downs and like, even though we were never, like, we were never best friends by any means, but I always knew that I could count on you in that if I needed something, you were there. And so it's really cool to be here and be doing this today.

It's special. Yeah, it's special. And I feel like I and everyone has a lot to learn from you because you're one of those people in life that has a certain energy and a certain level of positivity that I don't know if it's always come naturally to you, but it's been there for as long as I've known you. And I haven't perhaps seen you on your worst days.

Yeah, well, you've seen me in some pretty rough ones.

I have seen you on some rough ones. But there is this kind of persistent theme of positivity in your life that I think is a great place for us to start in terms of looking at how do you maintain that in a time in your life where you know that there's a big thing you want in life, you want to find love. And for most people, if they're honest, it's not like one of 10 to do's. It's not like, you know, I want to get fit, I want to get good at yoga, I want to clean my house, I want to find love. I want to. Finding love is like.

I know, it's like, it's at the top of your to do list and yet it's like the thing that you can't just check off your to do.

List, which makes it the most frustrating thing in the world. And it's also, it's so deeply important to people. It goes to the heart of what they want in their life.

Well, it's sharing life. And I think that's what we were put on this earth to do. You know, we weren't put on the earth to just live alone. We were meant to be in community and be with someone and share it. And so I think that's why, at least for me, that's why it was so important. Like, I didn't, I was going through all these milestones and I didn't have anybody to celebrate with. And so that was like, not so fun.

And that, that's also been. It's funny because while I say a consistent theme of knowing you has been your positivity, a consistent theme of knowing you has also been always knowing how important that was to you.

Yeah.

To find in your life.

Oh, it was number one. Yeah, it was number one. And I was never shy about it. That's the thing, I think, you know, I always talk about being a modern woman and I feel like to me that that embodies doing what you want, doing what your heart desires. You know, it's not about being the alpha female and doing all the things, it's about doing what you want feels right to you. And for me, I always wanted to find a life partner. I wasn't embarrassed to admit it. I gave it everything that I had. And I really treated it like a job at one point because I was like, I can really accomplish stuff in my career when I stick to it. So I was like, I gotta just treat it like I treat my job. And I was just going date after date. So I was never shy about admitting that that's something that I really desired, but I went through it.

Do you find people toning down their desire for that in circles because they want to appear cool or indifferent or just like there's not desperation about them and so they, they're almost unwilling to even face how much they want that.

Yeah. It's interesting because I feel like the culture has shifted to be like, you know, that girl boss mentality and like, I don't need a man. And it's true, like, I actually, like, I don't need a man. I'm very independent, I'm self sufficient. I am whole on my own. But I always wanted a man. I wanted a partner. I wanted somebody to live life with. And so I think there's a difference in needing a partner and wanting a partner.

Yeah.

And so I think that. But it is, there's this, there's this kind of the culture right now is I don't need, I'm independent. But I think the two can go hand in hand, practically.

How did that look in the way that you would speak, you know, when you talk to people about wanting to find love? Was there a. I almost want to imagine how language wise did you speak about it in a way that didn't make you feel like, I need this or I'm desperate for this, but made you feel like you could express authentically what you actually wanted.

I think because I really didn't care what people thought or what anybody thought, you know, like, I would get the random comments of, you know, you're so desperate. You're always looking for a man. You need a man's validation. And I'm like, yeah, I'm looking for a man.

Does that come from women or from men?

Women, Women. Yeah. It's actually pretty interesting. My like audience on the podcast morning show and online digitally is 98% female. It's pretty that high. Yeah. Especially you can see like the analytics.

On Instagram, even in the morning show with Rhino.

That one's more 50 50, but still like my Instagram, you know how like you can see all those metrics and stuff. I think there's like five men that follow me. The men that follow me are like you, my boyfriend, my dad. Like, yeah, it's very interesting. So, yeah, it was my say it.

Would come from women.

But again, those were few and far between. I do, I will say I have had a really great experience with social media. I know there's like a negative connotation around it right now, but for me it's been a place of community, you know, like like minded women sharing experiences, asking for help. It's been really beautiful.

What was your experience of dating like in the difficult times where, like, was there ever, ever a moment where you lost faith and you went, I like, I'm starting to question whether I'm ever gonna find it someone or did you. Were you able to hold on to that?

You know, it's interesting because I was single and dating in LA for like seven years, eight years maybe before I met my current boyfriend. And that's a long time in a pretty wild city. And it's so funny because it's like you hear all these stories and I'm like, I literally lived them. I met a guy on Wilshire Boulevard, like in the car. I met guys out at clubs. I was set up with people. I made out with celebrities, people that came on my podcast. I mean, I did it all. Do you know what I mean? Like, I really tried, tried it all.

And what did it deflate you? Like, were you able to enjoy? Because I feel like there's this rhetoric that we need to learn how to enjoy being single, which if you were able to manage that, I want to hear about that. Like, what were the elements that allowed you to enjoy being single? But obviously there are times where we don't. So maybe we start with what do you think are the key elements to enjoy being single while you are single? Were there any practical strategies that you would recommend for enjoying the process more?

So I think when I first became single, I went through like a really horrible heartbreak. And I think when you go through a really horrible heartbreak, you're just like, I want to date someone now. I want to find them now. So I think I was like on this husband hunt and I was dating in a way where I felt like I was interviewing people. Like I was at a job, you know, like, oh, do you have a job? Okay, check. Do you have a good relationship with your family? Check. And that was really problematic because when they weren't meeting my expectations or this like list that I made, it would just kind of crush me. And I was just kind of going through guys like that and it felt very transactional and not really genuine. And I think that when I flipped the switch and I was kind of really, things were really working out for me in my career. So I was going all in with work and things were really moving good in that direction. And so I felt really good and confident in that. And so I was like, okay, I'm just gonna date for fun. I'm just gonna have fun. I'm gonna say yes to everything, anybody to anything. And it really took the pressure off. And so when I would go on a bad date, I was like, whatever. It was just a date instead of. I think sometimes we say no to so much that when we go on a date, you put so much pressure on it because you don't. You aren't going on dates often. I was going on dates so often that it was like if I met someone, it didn't really work or click. I was like, it's okay.

There's another one that's really interesting. Did.

But there were moments for sure. Especially because it is a double edged sword. I get to have community in life, you know, like, I talk for a living and I engage with people regularly and I'm sharing my story and it's beautiful and it's fun to connect with people in that way. But then there is. You get invested, but also other people are invested. And then when it doesn't work out, you know, when I'd go on a couple dates with somebody, I never really felt pressure. But if I started really dating somebody and it didn't work out, I would feel double disappointment, you know, because I'd feel sad for myself. Then I felt Like, I was letting other people down in their journey too, in a weird way.

Oh, like, literally, the people listening to you.

Yeah.

You felt like because they were rooting.

For you, that was hope for them. Yeah, yeah.

And then you were letting them down.

And it happened time and time and time again. And so it was just kind of like, ugh, yeah.

Imagine how Taylor Swift feels.

I'm pretty up there with her. I feel it. But yeah, you're saying to that level.

Just the scale.

Yeah.

Oh, the scale of, like, they're saying.

The amount of knowing you're.

Oh, you're up there. In terms of the number of people you cycled through.

I was like, I feel like I probably got her beat in that sense. But, yeah, the pressure. I actually genuinely do feel bad for her because there is a crazy. I'm one of her fans. I'm obsessed with her. Like, I live through her lyrics. Like, you feel them, and so you get deeply, deeply invested. And I feel like that's probably why with her last relationship, it was so off the radar because it was just so much pressure.

I feel like, though, that's like, Taylor Swift is so unbelievably unrelatable for 99.9% of people. But the thing we should take as gratitude from hearing that is just that we don't, for most of us, don't have that pressure of, like, if you're watching right now, you probably don't have the pressure of if it doesn't work out with this person over the next four weeks. You don't have to undo a perception with the whole world.

It's almost worse when it's your family, you know, like, it's like the family gatherings. When are you meeting someone? Why are you. You're such a catch. Why are you still single?

That's interesting.

The dating world. I'm like, you try it.

Do you think. Well, I'm curious about that. Do you think that. How much information should you give to your family in those early stages with someone? Because there is this feeling of the moment I tell my friends, the moment I tell my family that I'm seeing someone, all of a sudden, it takes on a life of its own. And I feel like I don't own it anymore and I don't own the speed of it anymore, because now other people are kind of egging me on, amping me up. And it's almost like I feel like sometimes the other person can feel that energy shift in you that you now told people, and they've got you worked up. So now Instead of going from date forward to date five, you go from date four to date ten in your mind.

So it's funny you're asking me that, because I have no boundaries, no filter. It was like I told everybody when I was just going on one date with somebody, you know me, I feel.

Like that can backfire so badly.

For sure.

Because it's. Because it's just. I don't even. Even with business, I don't tell people things that might happen.

Yeah.

Because I'm just like, until it happens, it's not exciting. It's not even for me. I would be like, some big media thing would come along and they'd be like, we want to talk to you about this. I wouldn't tell anyone on my team or I wouldn't tell anyone in my family. I wouldn't. Because I'd be like, it hasn't happened yet. It doesn't count until it's in the books.

Like, it's not, but happened yet. Well, that's such a, like, relative phrase, you know, because it's like, no, this person's not my husband yet. But it's all part of the story.

Yeah, but it's only a story if it goes somewhere.

Not true. Every chapter is a chapter in your book.

It's true. Here's where. To me, if something comes along in my life that's looks exciting.

Yeah.

Like, if I get asked to go and meet with someone about something and it's a big deal, maybe.

Right.

I try to just take. When I'm speaking to people close to me about it, I go, you know what? And I'm not sure this works for a first date, but I go, it's just a compliment. I'm in the room if it doesn't go anywhere. Honestly doesn't matter. The fact that I'm at a stage in my life where I got invited to that room, that's already the win.

That's probably the healthier place to be.

Yeah. Because I'm like, I'm not telling you because I want you to get excited about where this could go for me. It's nothing right now, but how cool to be invited. Now, I don't know if that works on a first date because we shouldn't value a person that highly that we don't even know. But I do think there is a danger in allowing other people to amp us up. So I'm. That must have, at some points allowed you to get more excited than perhaps good for you.

That's what I'm saying. It's Definitely healthier to be the way that you are. I definitely wouldn't encourage anybody to be the way that I am. But unfortunately or fortunately, I am the way that I am. And I just. I get overly excited about stuff.

So how then do you deal with the deflation when it didn't go well in your single life? What were your strategies for picking yourself up when that person and didn't call when it like, you're like, oh, my God. I was so excited. And nothing happened. It didn't go anywhere.

I had this journal, and I don't know when I started doing this, but I had this journal and I would come home. I called it my dear future husband journal. Are you cringing just hearing that phrase?

I just want to know what goes in.

And so anytime I came back from a really bad date, I would go and I'd sit in my bed and I'd open my dear future husband journal, and I would just write to my dear future husband, whoever it would be, things that I knew he would validate in me that didn't happen on the date. So let's say I went out with this guy. I went out with this guy actually, a couple times. I really liked him, but he was very intimidated by my career. He wasn't on the same page. And so that's what ultimately ended our dating relationship. And I remember I came home after that, we ended things, and I wrote to my dear future husband about how proud he was going to be of me for my successes in my career, how much he would admire me for being ambitious and being independent. And so I would write all this stuff to my future husband that I was lacking in that relationship or whatever. And so I would just write about it, and it would put me in a more positive head space than like, coming home and like calling my girlfriends and being like, you know, I definitely did that too sometimes. But I feel like turning it into a positive and having that journal and that space to kind of flip it into something that I knew would come to fruition at some point really helped me have a positive spin on things.

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I think that that's the loveliest question I can think of that you could have put in that journal. Because that idea of what will my future husband validate in me that that person didn't.

Right. Or like, yeah, value in me.

Value in you? That's such a powerful question because it's about being seen. And I think so many of us forget in dating when we're in this kind of egoic mode that doesn't mean arrogant, it could mean egoic in the really negative sense. Like we think we're worth nothing. But this egoic mode of trying to impress someone or worrying that we won't be impressive to someone. And in all of that worrying about whether I can get someone or not, we forget how important it is to just find someone who actually sees us. And by definition, the person who we go on a date with where it doesn't go anywhere hasn't seen us.

Yeah.

And they haven't seen us and gone. They either haven't seen us at all or they haven't seen us and gone. This is like seeing this person just makes them even more compelling to me.

Yeah.

So I love that idea of, oh, this person that I was just on a date with did not recognize my value in the way that I would want them to. Or they didn't recognize what I value.

Correct. My dear future husband Will.

That's really cool. So you would do that when you got home from a date. How quickly would you get back on the horse with stuff like that? Would you?

It depends. So if it was like something quick, couple dates, I would just keep it going. I didn't really. I did have seasons of life where I was really over it. You know, if I really got invested with something and something happened, I would take a beat. I would take a break and give myself some space. So I don't know, it would depend on like how much I liked the person. But I just kind of kept open door policy.

How did you find people? Because there's a lot of people out there who just struggle to even get on a date.

I know. And you know I remember you telling this. It wasn't to me. It was like, I think I came to a seminar or something. And I remember it so vividly. And I. You can say it how you do it, because I probably butchered the numbers. But the gist of it was, if you meet 100 people, how many of those hundred are you going to be attracted to? Let's say 50, being generous. Out of those 50, how many of those are you going to be compatible with? And the number kept going lower and lower and lower. And it really stuck with me because you were like, if you want to meet someone, how are you going to meet someone if you're not actually meeting people? And that really resonated with me because it's so true. Like, it's such a desire of so many people's hearts to find love and to find somebody. But we're not actually meeting people. We're, like, living our lives, working, coming home, making dinner, going to bed, watching tv, like, not socializing. And so it becomes hard to meet someone if you're not meeting anybody. And so I remember that, and I was like, it's just a numbers game at this point.

So how did you up your numbers? Like, what did you. Were you on dating apps a lot? Were you doing. Were you going out a lot? Like, what for? You worked in terms of getting that many dates?

Well, I guess what worked was the dating app, because I met my boyfriend on a dating app, but I was available in every way, shape or form. If anybody wanted to set me up, it was, yes, anybody I knew.

Did you tell people, like, hey, like, I'm looking for love, if, you know, anyone set me up?

Yes. People I met on airplanes, If I, like, hit it off with somebody at an airplane. Do you have any. You're so nice. Do you have any nephews or, you know, depending on who it was.

Oh, like, it wouldn't even be them.

I would meet, like, a woman on a plane next to me, and she had sons. And I'm like, there's, you know, here's my.

That's really cool.

What else? Gyms, Workout places. I mean, I was really open.

When you were meeting people in gyms, what was your kind of way into talking to people? Like, you don't strike me as someone who has a hard time striking up a conversation. Yeah, maybe I'm overestimating how little or underestimating how little anxiety you have in those situations.

I'm trying to think back on, like, I've asked out a couple people who had girlfriends, which was like, so was.

That, like, you literally. You saw them and went straight?

Yeah. When you're at a workout, you're in a gym, you're, like, just working out. You don't know. You know what I mean? Unless they're wearing a ring, which, you know, if they're not married, they're not wearing. And I would just, like, eye them. And then eventually I would, like, be like, hey, like, do you want to go, I'm gonna go to get a juice next door? And then it would turn into, like, they come with me to go get a juice. And then they'd be like, I'm gonna get one for my girlfriend. I'm like, oh, yeah, okay. I remember I hit on somebody. It was like my knee doctor or something. And I was like, he's so cute. And. And I couldn't tell, like, what his situation was. Obviously, he's like a doctor, so he's not, like, giving me anything. And I said something about. We were talking about farmer's markets, and I was like, oh, yeah. I was like, I love farmer's markets, too. I was like, we should go sometime. And he mentioned something about a wife, and I was like, ugh.

But, you know, it does. Well, firstly, just to rewind for a second. When you would talk to someone in the gym, like, as a general pattern, would you start talking to them first and then midway through the conversation, be like, I'm going to get a juice, or would you literally open with, I'm going to get a juice? If you want to come with someone.

You didn't know, the second one, it.

Would be, oh, you'd literally just go straight up and be like, hey, we don't know each other, but I'm going, no, no, no.

I would warm it up. Like, I would. I always would be friendly and smile and wave if I thought somebody was cute. And I would do that a couple times so that hopefully they, like, get the point. And then I would like to going for it.

So would that mean, like, you would be. I'm just curious about these things because I feel like people in these situations, it always sounds so scary. So scary. They don't never quite know what does someone else do? Like, when you say you would smile and wave, what would you literally smile and wave? Or would you, like, how would you get someone's attention without feeling yourself, like, cringy? This is so hard. Like, I feel so. So awkward or I feel so weird. I don't know this person. I'm speaking to them. Walk me through.

You're right.

Because I Guess I wouldn't wave. Like, now that you say it, I'm like. I wouldn't be like, hi. It's kind of creepy. So. Okay, so let's say you're walking into your gym class and you see somebody that you think is cute. Eye contact is key. I would always make eye contact, and I would smile, and I would do it several times throughout the class. So if I ever, like, saw him and we ever made eye contact, I to. Would, like, look at him and I would smile. That was, like, a big one. And then you can get, like, the vibe, too. If somebody's not interested, they're gonna. And you make eye contact and smile, and they don't want to talk to you. They're not gonna keep making eye contact with you. So I did. I met a couple guys that way.

So if you. So you are in that class. You keep looking, they keep looking back. You're smiling, they're smiling.

It's obviously somewhere that you go often, right?

So you're feeling like, okay, maybe there's a vibe here. They keep looking back. What do you do? Like, you go after, like, at the end of the class, tell me what you do next.

Yes. So then. Well, it depends on, like, where your class is. I go to this one workout class where there's, like, a smoothie thing right across the way. And so I would walk up to them and say, hey, I'm gonna go grab a smoothie. Do you wanna come with me? And it's not so intimidating. Cause it's literally right there. You don't have to, like, get in your car. It was just, like, right there.

And you've made a lot of eye contact. There's been all those nonverbals.

In my mind. The door is open, right? Yeah.

Right.

And, like, sometimes it works. I mean, I went on a date with one guy that I met at the gym. And the date was so horrible. We had absolutely nothing in common. And it was a horrible date. Not in the sense that it was like, nothing was wrong with him. He just was not the guy for me. But, I mean, I like, that's how you do it.

Do. What was your kind of. When they were places that you would visit regularly and they were sort of your places.

Yeah.

Was there any fear that if this goes wrong, I've got to come back? I love this gym. I like coming here. I don't want to have the awkwardness with someone. Was there any sense of that, or are you not someone who feels awkwardness in that sense?

Not with the gym. Because I never was like, I'm at this class every single day at this day of the week. Like, it was always kind of random. So that was never a thing. I was a little cautious with work people.

Yeah.

And that kind of burned me a little bit. But that was.

Burned you in a moment where you weren't cautious.

Yes. And then it was awkward, and then, like, it didn't work out, and it was like, now I have to see him.

Like, you know, what about, like, your coffee shop? If you have a favorite coffee shop, do you think that's a good place to do it? Or if you're there every day and you love it so much, should you reserve it for coffee shops that you're a tourist in rather than the one you go to every day?

I never had anybody that was. I was interested in in my coffee shop. I never really had a coffee shop because I'm always like, so early. I make my own. So I don't really have, like, my place, but I could see how that would be awkward. Yeah. If it didn't work out.

Yeah. I'm just curious because I feel like we have these. You know, it may sound like a very in the weeds question, but I think that something you're getting at everywhere, in every way you're talking is about a real openness. And it's not just an openness that, like, whatever comes my way, I'm going to explore it, which is great. But it wasn't just that. It was a very proactive kind of openness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, when you're willing to meet people in your gym, when you're willing to be on an app, when you're willing to tell the person on the plane who you just had a really great conversation with, who you assume. I'm sure what your reasoning partly was, I just had a. You know, this person kind of is of my nature, and they value what I value. And if that's true, there's probably people they know that are the same as them for sure, and therefore putting the word out with them, and what's the worst that can come of that? So that. That's all really proactive. And I think it's actually very inspiring for people to hear. What does proactive openness actually look like? Because a lot of people here, like, talk to more people or get yourself out there. But the reason I break it down such a pedantic way is because people hearing that, I think, can actually start to look at the difference between how proactive you were being and how proactive they might be being right now.

Yeah.

But one of the things I think makes it tough sometimes for people to be proactive in the ways you're talking about is that there's not enough kind of movement in their life. Is kind of the best way I.

Can think of saying stagnant.

Yeah.

Like, they're living the same day every day, and they are going to this one spot every day and nowhere else.

But do you know what there is now in 2023 dating apps?

Right.

Those bad boys. I mean, you could.

It's a steady flow.

Talk about a sea full of people.

Yeah. And I think that's one of the big advantages they offer. I actually think that it would be worth people going back to. Are there any ways that my life has just become a little stagnant? And I could recreate the dating app effect, but in real life. So, you know, if you live in a town that has more than one gym, go to a different gym once.

A week or go to different restaurants, actually. So this is actually a really good line I would use all the time when I saw a cute guy at a bar. So I had this guy friend. His name was Robert. And his name was Robert Graham. Hi, Robert. And I always used him. So if I saw a cute guy that I like, I'd go up to the guy and I'd be like, hey, did we meet? I feel like you're one of Robert Graham's friends. And they would have no idea who that was. And they would always say, no, I don't know who that is. But it would get that. Get me in the door, like, oh, I think I met you at some party or whatever. And then they'd say, no. And then I'd be like, oh, that's so weird. You look just like him. And then I'd go into like, so what are you doing here? Da, da, da. And we would just start chatting. And that was, like, always my way in. Because it's not. It's not necessarily flirty unless it needs to be. Unless I can get there, you know? And it was, like, such a good way in.

Did you, Robert Graham, Robbie?

No. No, because I met him. A dating app is different.

Oh, you met him on a dating app. So you didn't.

Yeah, I met him on site.

You wrote one of Robert Graham's friends.

It's different because I feel like when you're doing something on a dating app, it's easier to sit. You're on the dating app, so it's easy to meet.

The intention is good.

You're single, I'm single. We're here to meet. It was just like a. Hey. But when you're at a bar, you don't know. You don't know if somebody has a girlfriend. You don't know if somebody's married. You don't know. You know, so it's like a good way to kind of get in there.

Were there any other, like, Robert Graham esque sort of lines or things that you would say or even just ways that you would naturally start talking to someone?

I'm not gonna lie, I used the Robert Graham line way too often.

It really was like, that was Robert Graham.

Yeah, it was some of the Robert one. I'd say I use that like 9 out of 10 times. Unless I was like sitting next to somebody or like it just happened, you know, Like I met some guy on Wilshire. We were just driving next to each other and he asked me for directions and then we just started talking window to window and exchanged phone numbers. And that was a weird one. But yeah.

Are there any. I know that this isn't your area that you focus on, but I'm just curious. When you think about dating apps and the way people use them, is there a mistake that you think a lot of people make on their apps in the way that they design them or put their pictures on or even just the way they interact with people on dating apps? Is there anything you're seeing a lot that you're just like, people are like, wasting their time the way they're using this.

You know what's interesting is like, I think everybody has these tips and tricks of like, you're going to make more matches if you don't have sunglasses or if you post pictures with friends and not just selfies. And there are so many things that you can do, but I think at the end of the day, you're not going to say the wrong thing to the right person. And like, I remember when I met my current boyfriend Ravi on Hinge, I was so over it. I had just dated that guy that I thought it was really gonna, like, go somewhere. And he's the one that was very intimidated by my career. And so I felt very, like, deflated from it. And I was just like, ugh, I don't want to do this. And so I kind of gave my Hinge profile to two of my girlfriends and they were the ones that were like, talking to Robbie when we first matched. How funny it was not me at all. And I only talked to him for a day or two on that until we met. In person. Because I think that's the thing, too. I think a lot of people spend too much time on the apps. I think the app is a means to an end.

It's just so they spend too much time between meeting someone on an app and going on a date with a person.

Yeah, I think, like, if it's more than a week, you can't go more than a week just talking somebody. You need to, like, meet them. Because there's a lot that can change from somebody's profile to, like, how you feel with them. So, yeah, they were only talking to him for, like, a day or two before I met him. But, yeah, it was all my girlfriends. It wasn't even me.

You know, when you transitioned from being on an app to a date, was there? A lot of people are like, how well do I know someone after a week? Do I feel comfortable meeting them in person? Like, what, for you was the go to kind of date? That felt low pressure, easy to get out of, not, you know, just not like something that made you feel like, I barely know this person, I'm going on a date with them. What would you do that felt easy? And how would you get there with that person?

I think a lot of people are intimidated by dating apps because they think stranger danger. But I also think we're all strangers until we're not. Even if you meet somebody at a bar, you're a stranger. So there's not really a difference in that, except the difference is that they're behind a screen, which is why I think you should really just meet somebody quick on a dating app.

But would you give out your number or would you just arrange a date on the app so that they didn't have a way to find you outside of the app?

Yes. And I would always. I either did coffee dates or a drink, and I would always say that I had dinner plans after.

That's smart.

Yeah.

So you had an out.

I had an hour.

If it was going well, you stayed.

And if it was going well, I was just like, whatever. I just, like, did.

If someone asked for your number in the middle of that time when you were like, I want to keep it on the app, what would you say to them? Practically?

Honestly, nobody ever did. But if they had, I would say something kind of cheeky and be like, we'll see when we meet in person. If you're. You can get the number or something. I don't know.

But no, I love that. I think that's great because I love just getting your mindset on things because I think you have a really healthy mindset.

Because I've been, like, in the weeds.

Yeah. But it's also. I think that in the weeds is where people see those distinctions. Like, someone else might have heard me ask that, and they might have imagined themselves giving a slightly serious answer. You know what I mean?

Like, no, I'm not going to give you my number because you don't. I don't know you yet. Stranger. Yeah.

And then all of a sudden, they've created this sort of tonally awkward situation where it's not like he did anything wrong.

Right.

It's just that you're not going to give out your number yet. So just being that playful wink.

Yeah.

Is actually. You've now used it as what could have been an awkward moment in one person's hands. In your hands has actually been a way to flirt.

Yeah. Always with, like, a wink in a nod. And I think also, too, giving people the benefit of the doubt, you know? Like, I know people have bad experiences with dating and stuff like that, and obviously I had bad experiences, too. But giving your number out to somebody that's not gonna work with is not the end of the end of the world. I remember I met a guy at whole foods, actually, Mr. Whole Foods. And he was somebody that I would go and we'd make eye contact, and I got flirty by vibes. I was like, he's cute. And I did that for months. Like, months with this guy before I was. Before I even approached him. And one day we were sitting outside having, like, our meals, you know, Like, I was eating at one table and he. He was eating at the other. My best friend Becca was coming to pick me up to go to a concert. And I remember I was like, this is. I have to just do it. I was like, I've been making eyes with this guy for months now.

I feel like it's such a nervy moment when you've been doing it.

But I know I knew it wasn't gonna be so awkward. Cause I knew my friend was on her way to pick me up. So I was like. I knew there was an out. Always having an out is, like a good key. And so I went up to him and I was like, I've been seeing you around. And, like, I don't know if you're single, but I'd love to get together if you are. And he was single, and he gave me his number. I gave him mine, and it was like, okay, so then that's. He was a stranger. I gave him my number, and we ended up meeting for dinner a few days later and another one that it was just, like, not a match at all. Really nice guy. Not a match at all.

It's interesting, isn't it? Because it now feels. I feel like maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like there was a time where giving someone one of your social media handles was less personal than giving them your number. And now I feel like it flipped because you just. They have access to a lot of your. Your life, your friendships, your community.

Yeah.

You like what you spend your time doing, where you spend your days, where you were this morning? If you give them your Instagram or.

Facebook, your family members names, your best friend.

Yeah. So it kind of weirdly feels like we're in this place where giving them your number might be the least intimate thing you could do when you meet someone like that in person.

Yeah.

I'm trying to think if there is an alternative. I don't think there is. Right.

Your WhatsApp.

Same thing, though.

Is it? I don't know.

It's just your number.

Oh, I don't have WhatsApp. Just trying to like somebody out.

All English people have WhatsApp. Yeah. No, I don't think, other than, like, try and find me on the app. Yeah. There's not, like, a downgrade from a number when you meet someone like that. That's really cool. I love the fact that you were that proactive.

I was very proactive.

If you wanted to let someone down that you had been on a date with and they wanted to see you again, did you have an elegant way of doing it? Because I feel like I get asked this a lot, like, how do you let someone down if you just didn't feel it?

I know. And, like, honestly, I wish I had a better response to that, because that was something I really struggled with. I'm. I have a hard time not saying no because I was really good about, like, knowing what was gonna work and what wasn't gonna work. But I remember this one guy that I was dating, and he was such a nice guy, and we really got along, but there was just no sexual chemistry. Every time we kissed, I was like, ooh. And, like, thinking about doing anything else with him, like, creeped me out. And I'm like, this is obviously not sustainable, but he was such a good guy. Like, when you talk about, like, the list or whatever, he was everything on the list, and we had friends in common, and, like, so on my list, he was like, the guy, and I just. The sexual chemistry wasn't there, and Then how do you say that to somebody? Like, how do you.

Yeah, well, that's the thing. I always feel like when people say I would have rather had the truth.

Than being ghosted, I'm like, sometimes, yeah, I didn't ghost. I was never a ghoster. But I wouldn't necessarily always tell the truth. So, like, with that guy, I think I just said I wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship because I know he was, like, on the fast track to marriage, as was I. But I told him that it was, like, moving too fast and we weren't really on the same page because. How do you say, I'm not sexually attracted to you?

No, I think the best you can do is say that I just. I don't feel enough of a connection or I just don't feel like we're, you know, compatible. But, you know, it's. I think it's up to that person at that point to be like, I need to, you know, more information may be more than I need here.

Yeah.

If this person is telling you this, sometimes we desperately want an answer until we get the answer.

Yeah.

And then we're like, I could have done without that. It wasn't very helpful to me.

Yeah.

Learning someone didn't feel any sexual attraction to you is not the most helpful information.

No.

Because it's not like you could do anything about it necessarily.

And the thing is, I think, too, what Somebody doesn't like it. Like, at least for me, too, whenever I would get rejected and a guy didn't want to go out with me, it was like, I'm just not for him, but I'm me, and I'm going to be for somebody else, you know?

Were you able to hold on to that idea?

Yeah, of course. Like, in the moment, it hurts, and you're like, it does hurt your feelings, and it blows your ego, you know, I'm like, I'm not invincible. But I did have a really good sense of. Of self and knowing who I am and what I am and what I have to offer. And so I knew if that wasn't it for me, then, like, that's fine. I'm for somebody else. And it turns out I am.

Turns out you are.

Turns out I am. And he loves me for all the weird stuff that in the past, guys said that they didn't like or didn't appreciate or didn't value. And he loves all those things about me.

Yeah. That I think is one of the most beautiful things you can discover is when you feel like you can be More of yourself with someone. Yeah, you had. There was a certain point where you decided, I'm not gonna sleep with someone unless we're in a relationship.

That turned a lot of guys away, too.

Tell me about. Tell me about what influenced that decision. And then I want to hear about the process of actually enforcing that decision, which is easier said than done.

Especially when you're in the moment, right? And like a guy's taking his pants off on top of you and you're like, ah, right? And you're, like, into it. You know what I mean? Like you're liking it and then you're like, so do you know who Devon Franklin is?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know him personally? He's the best. And so, yeah, I'll never forget, he was a guest on the morning show and I'd found him through Oprah and I started reading his book, the Wait, and we had him on the morning show as a guest and we had this moment, and I'll never forget it. He was like. I was telling him about how I was having sex outside of these committed relationships, and I was always feeling like crap. Are you allowed to curse on this?

Yeah, as much as you like, be a sailor.

I was always feeling like shit after. I would feel like shit after I had sex with someone and I was not in the control, committed relationship. And he turned to me and he was saying, he's like, you're in a perpetual pattern of pain. What's the through line here? What's always happening? And I was like. He said, you're giving your body before you're getting the commitment that you want. And I never thought of it that way because I think there is this messaging, especially with women of sow your oats and go do it. And we can be like men too, and get all the one night stands out. And I'm like, I'm not that girl. I was just never wired that way. And if you are that girl, good on you. And I have mad respect. But that was never me. I could never have unattached sex. It just was not in the cards for me. I was always emotionally involved with every single person that I had ever slept with. And. And so I was like, why am I.

And not every guy is like that either, by the way.

Oh, Seems like a lot more.

I was. No, I've been. I think one of the most interesting things for me was that there's a decent number of guy friends that I have that are very emotional when they start dating someone. They get emotionally wrapped up and it becomes about that person. And I'm trying to think whether, you know, maybe they're not exactly your, like, typical alpha male jock type guy, but they're lovely guys and they're great people and they're attractive and. But they didn't operate like that. So I think there is this assumption that every guy is a Soyuz kind of person.

And I think that I dated the majority of the others.

So you wrote guys. Yeah. But no, I think there's more than perhaps people know, a kind of guy that feels that same way, that it just doesn't feel right to them to sleep around.

Yeah. So I think when I had that aha moment, it was really this aha moment. And I was like, why? I'm doing this to myself. I'm in control. This is my body. This is my life. And I'm acting in a way that I'm a victim in this. And I personally was not. I know, obviously, obviously everybody's situation is different, but I was not. And so I was like, okay, from this point on, I'm not having sex outside of a committed relationship. And when I say committed relationship, I mean boyfriend, girlfriend. Like, this person is committed to me. And so, you know, that really weeds them out real quick.

So just walk me through. All right. Practically, like the same happen? Yeah, the same way you did with the meeting people part. Like, what does this look like to have as a standard for yourself in a way that doesn't rob you of your warmth, the same flirtatiousness that you're so good at, the kind of part of you that is enjoying dating and being sexual. How did those things coexist with this standard practically, when it comes down to it?

So I'll give you an example of someone that it obviously was a turn off for, and then someone that didn't care or, like, didn't care. So the one that was turned off. So I remember I met this guy at a restaurant, gave him my number at, like, happy hour or whatever, and he asked if he could take me out on a date. And I said sure. I gave him my number there at the restaurant. And we were supposed to go out. This was like a Monday, Tuesday. We were supposed to go out that weekend. And he called me just to, like, chat. And I was like, oh, my gosh, nobody does this anymore. And so I thought it was like, really cool. So we're chatting and he made like a sex joke. I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was like some sort of sex joke, you know, not like crude or anything like that. And I said, oh. And then that was my way in. I just laid it on. I was like, oh, well, I don't have sex outside of a committed relationship. And he goes, neither do I. And I was like, oh, that's so cool. But I got player vibes from him. Like, I kind of got the vibe that, like, he was just doing what he was doing a lot. And so I was like, oh, wow, you don't either. That's so cool. And, you know, whatever. So we finished our chat that night. Never asked me out again. Like, never actually even went out on the date with me, because I think he was like, I'm not gonna get what I want, and just didn't follow up, which is fine.

Kind of. At least. At least it's not someone wasting your time. Right. Or pretending to be. Well, he pretended to be something else for five minutes.

The funny thing is, though, is that he's actually friendly, like, in this, like, circle network of my boyfriend, my current boyfriend. And so I see him around, I'm just like, that's so good. Because I know that he is, like, the player, you know, that I was totally being bamboozled. But so that was really funny. And then with other people, I would just kind of mention. It does kind of. I feel like when you're dating, it sounds more awkward to, like, talk about it now than when you're in the moment. And I think because people ask you, how's your dating life been? What's it been like? Da, da, da, da. And I was never really shy about expressing. That was something that was important to me. And that's actually something that a lot of women have reached out to me since I've been sharing all that that have reached out to me, saying that they started. They started doing that, too, because they realized themselves that they were in this perpetual pattern of pain and they wanted to take their lives back into their hands and be in control. And so that's something that I think a lot of people have really especially resonated with my story.

How early would you say it? Like, when would you feel? Did you wait until. I mean, in that case, it kind of. You found your moment in him making a sexual joke.

Yeah.

But in general, in the absence of that.

Yeah.

Would you say it at the point where things started to get a little more heated, or would you say in casual conversation? On a date.

On a date. I never said it. Anybody that I got heated with knew going in. Yeah.

How did you get to that point? Conversation on a date? Like, what would be a way that you would find a way to insert it. And how would you say it?

So great. It's, like, hard to remember exactly how things went down, but I remember I met this one guy. He was a guest on my podcast. And so he didn't live in la. And so we kind of started talking and dating over FaceTime, which is weird because it was like, pre pandemic, you know, like, nobody was really, you know, zoom. Dating was not a thing. But we started FaceTiming a lot and getting to know each other, and it's. We. Conversations do go in that direction, I think, in an easier way than I. Than you realize. But when I would talk about my story and my dating life, I would just say I made this decision to not have sex outside of a committed relationship. And some, you know, some guys would say, well, then I gotta wife you up tomorrow. Or, like, you know, they would, like, make a joke about it. I'm trying to think of other, like, reactions that I would get. I had one. A couple guys that were, like, really? It was, like, not even a thing. It was, like, cool.

Were there any that in the moment you could visibly see, like, he no longer wanted to be there?

Yes. Yeah. There was one guy I remember that I dated, and his nickname was Big D because he, like, word on the street is he had a big D. Right? Yeah.

Literal. Right from the start.

Yes. Yeah. He didn't take it so well. Not so well. Like, again, I never.

Well, Big D's not used to that.

Big D is not used to that. No, no, no.

He wanted the D. That's not his speed.

Yeah, it was not his speed. But again, like, I never was. I was never treated in a way that made me feel small or made me. I was very. I don't know what the word is. I was very assured and confident in the decision that I had made. So whatever reaction I got, I was totally fine with.

Yeah.

Yeah. But it was hard. Like, some guys, obviously, they knew. Especially even like, with my current boyfriend. He was really loved it. Like, he really admired that about me. He didn't pressure me in any way. But when you really start to date someone, you get physical, you know, and there's ways to be physical without having sex.

So for you, sex meant not, then feel free to take a left turn. But for you, sex meant penetration.

Right.

And other things were game.

Yes.

But it was like, that's not a place I go. Unless you're in a relationship. How did you kind of make that? I mean, it sounds like an obvious question, but at what point, like, say, with Robbie, did you realize or he realized, it's cool now cause we're in a relationship. Like, did you have that conversation at all?

Well, no, it's interesting because I remember we did it before. We were in a committed relationship. And that was really hard on me. And it wasn't. Again, it was just in the heat of the moment, you know? And, like, I knew, I think, really early on with him specifically, he was it for me. And so I just let myself kind of feel safe in that space. And. And it was something that he didn't take, you know, lightly either. He never wanted to, like, go there. And it was me, like, it was all me that went there.

I was going to say, how do you feel? Because. Because that, like, I had decided on him and I felt safe in that space is, like, from the outside. That sounds like a really dangerous logic.

Yeah.

Because it's the kind of logic that people use to sort of make their mind up about someone before that person is actually invested in them.

Yeah.

At the level that they want.

It was actually really. It kind of brought us closer because we were able to have that, like, serious conversation right after about it. And I said, I feel like I let myself down. I made this promise to myself, and I feel like I let myself down. I don't regret it. I'm really happy, and I'm really happy with where everything's going, but I don't want to do this anymore until we're in a committed relationship. And he was, like, really respectful.

That's beautiful.

Yeah.

How long was it between that moment and being in a relationship?

Probably a month. Probably a month.

And in that time, you were, like, solid in terms of not going to go back to that place. I think even the way there's nuance, even in the way that you approached that.

Right.

Because I would argue, not that you were ever doing it as a tactic. It was always just a standard that you had. But I would argue that in that relationship, it served its purpose because you had. He was already very aware of the fact that this meant something to you.

Right.

And that you weren't up for a situation where it meant nothing.

Right.

So when you did do it, it didn't take away from the fact that he realized that that was a significant thing for you.

Yeah.

So regardless of whether you internally felt like you'd let yourself down, Message received. This was important to you. And we just did it.

Right.

And then afterwards, what I really love about what you said is that I don't. I'm I'm happy. I don't regret it. You know, I had an amazing time, whatever. I just feel like I let myself down on a standard I have. I think that's actually a beautiful. I would call it a unique pairing to say, you know, I feel something that I don't want to feel about how I let myself down. But I also feel like, you know, I don't want you to think I'm not kind of in a way owning the experience.

Right. Yeah. It's really interesting when we make these promises to ourselves, you know, like, we're not. We're all imperfect human beings and I think that we're gonna mess up, you know, And I think when you make these promises to yourself, it's okay that you're gonna go through life and things are gonna shift and things are gonna happen. And I think I let myself feel that, you know, like, okay. I felt like I disappointed myself, but it's okay. And I'm going to move forward. And I still feel really strongly about you. I don't regret my decision.

Yeah. You were saying to us earlier about having certain dating patterns that you had to assess. And it could be, you know, an example dating unavailable people, people that weren't appropriate because they were far away. Or as queen of that, can you speak to that and why. And then what I want to do is go to some questions because I think it'll be great. I know people. There'll be some amazing comments in the chat here. I want to get some, some questions from everyone. But that experience of continually dating people that in that example are not even in the same state, let's say what was driving that and how did you stop doing that?

So I read this other book that's called Calling in the One. Have you heard of it?

I have heard of that. Yeah. It's an old book, right? It's been around a minute.

Yes. And it's like a seven week workbook. And I remember I did it, it's like homework every night. And I love that type of stuff. And that's when I realized my patterns. I hadn't even realized it, but I think so I went through this heartbreak. This man that I thought I was gonna marry. I was 25. So when. And he was my everything. Like I didn't have an identity outside of him. I'm literally a completely different woman today than I, than that person. So when we broke up, my life felt like it imploded. I didn't know what I like to do for fun. I didn't know what I wanted to do in my career. I didn't have friends of my own. I didn't even go to stuff alone. I had to go to a wedding and I was like, I don't have a date like this. This is so weird. I didn't know how to do anything alone. So I built myself up from that point, right? And I became so independent and, like, very good in that season of life, like, I would go everywhere alone. I didn't want to bring anybody anywhere. I liked doing stuff alone. And I think what. In that process, what I was doing was I was guarding myself because I think. I think I really didn't want to let anybody in to hurt me that way again. And so when I did start dating, I would date guys that lived in New York, that lived in Texas, that lived in Chicago. And I'm very rooted in la and my career is very rooted in la. My family lives around here. So there was no way I was moving and I was dating these people that. It was just like a dead end.

This was unconscious.

Totally unconscious. Totally. And I didn't even realize it until years later. And I was doing this workbook because I was writing out the patterns of all these people and I was like, Chicago, New York, New York, Dallas, Austin, New York.

So that for you was a way of avoiding essentially what could come with a real relationship.

Correct. Being dependent on somebody again, needing that person again. If they're so far away, we can never get that close to where I can get that hurt again. So I think I was really just trying to protect myself subconsciously. I didn't even realize I was doing it.

Did that same pattern apply to dating assholes? Like, did you find that you dated people who were not, you know, you kind of almost. It was easy to let them go or to know that it wasn't going anywhere because they were a certain kind of person. I, you know, the. The barrier was not that they were in Texas. The barrier was this person's never going to be serious. And you kind of know it from the beginning. Or did you not have that?

I didn't have that. I was never attracted to the bad boys. I had a couple of them. Obviously, there was a couple, a handful of them, but I'd say for the most part, I dated pretty solid guys.

So your way of putting. Of putting distance was physical distance?

Yeah. Like, the only ones that I was really into were the ones that were far away.

And was that. Would you say you were meeting people that were as good as them in person or that you weren't even you were kind of blind to people that were in your vicinity.

Blind to people in my vicinity? Yeah. Like, I'd meet this guy. I remember I met the guy from Dallas and I was like, oh, he's cute. He's from Dallas. Perfect for me.

Where did you meet him? On an app or. No.

So he. We had mutual friends. So, like, I have a girlfriend that lives in Texas who has a brother and he was one of the brother's friends.

Got it. Did you meet him here in L. A or over there?

Yeah.

So you met him here, knew he was from Dallas.

Correct.

And then it's kind of. I understand that feeling completely because it's like the moment you realize that it's not an option, you can start kind of glorifying them, fantasizing, idealizing and going. But what could it be if it could only work out? Oh, damn. It can't work out. Yeah. Yeah.

It's weird, right?

It's fascinating.

Yeah.

Because so much of this is unconscious and we don't realize the extent to which we just make people interesting because.

And my friends would always tell me, like, why are you even going there? This guy doesn't live in la. And I'm like, you don't get it. It's hard. It's hard dating in la. That would always be like. Like my thing.

Yeah. That's really what made you realize this book.

Yeah.

And then was there a way that you kind of, you know, because it's one thing understanding that, but then to consciously shift and go, I'm going to do something different.

Yeah.

Like what? Was there something different for you?

So the other pattern I realized in this book was, I think being respected as an equal was like a huge thing for me as a woman. It was something my mom really ingrained in me growing up. And so I think when I would meet guys, I would always. It would always need to be like, on my schedule, like, we have to meet at 5:30 because I have to go to bed because I have work early. And it was like I was so rigid in that because I wanted that respect, because I felt like I didn't have that in my past relationship, that equal respect. And so I was so adamant about it, and I think to a point where it was maybe not so nice of a feeling, you know?

Yeah. It gave off the wrong impression than the one you actually. Than the thing that was important.

Yeah. So I remember that was like another thing. And so I was really aware of that. And so when I started dating after I learned about my patterns I was more of a collaborative effort of like, what time works for you, what days work for you. Okay, that doesn't, you know, it was like, so that. Less that instead of me being like, I only have this day and this time, otherwise I can't see you, you know, that's great.

Was there. I haven't. I have one more question. I'm going to save it because I have so many, but I want to. We have some amazing questions that have been sent in by our members. So we'll go to our members questions section of this before we do that because people on the podcast are going to be hearing this part of our conversation. Can you tell us what the book is about? Because there's going to be so many people who are listening to this conversation and understand, understand that I think with you it's hard not to be. It's hard to be around you and not to feel like there's a mindset to be modeled. Like, even though you don't pretend to have all the answers about things and you're very vulnerable about saying, well, this worked for me, it might not work for everyone, but this is what I did, and so on, there's a mindset with you that everyone would benefit from modeling. Whether it's the positivity, whether it's the way that you go through life, taking chances, whether it's the way you find a way to move on from rejection or from hurt. It's really inspiring.

Thank you.

How for anyone who's hearing that, where does this book go from our conversation today that you think would help them?

So it is a faith based book. Book. So it is very much a standard devotional and that means it comes. There are some Bible verses and it is. But the thing is, what I really wanted to do is because I am a woman of faith and I always felt like every devotional wasn't really speaking to me. And I really wanted to speak to the modern day woman who's going through life on dating apps, who has ambitions in her career. And so, and so I really wanted it to be kind of this why we called it the Sunshine Mind is because it is a mindset and it is the perspective that we choose to look through. And so I put really practical things in there that I do every single day. Like the way I start my day, the way I start my year, every single New Year's Eve, I make a vision board and kind of write about that. The way that I date, the way that I handle conflict with co workers in the office, you know, it's like practical everyday stuff that we're dealing with and kind of my out of the box approach at it. You know, body issues, beauty standards, kind of all that stuff. And I think the thing is that's pretty awesome is I wrote it with my best friend Raquel and she. We have different perspectives. She's a little more. I'm a little more out there and I do weird things, you know, like I write after affirmations and I put them on a post it if I'm feeling sad. So I see it every day. You know, some people are very visual. She, Raquel is very the opposite. She's a little quieter, a little shy, not shyer, but a little quieter. She has like a different way of dealing with things. And so you get different perspectives, which I think is good. But I really wanted it to be a kind of all encompassing handbook in that way that's very digestible. So it's like, you know, the chapters are a page or two.

That's amazing. And why 100 days? I'm curious.

The hundred was we were going to do 365 and then we were like, that seems crazy. And then it takes, you know, it's like 90 days to start a habit. And so we figured we would do 100. Just felt like a good number.

That's really cool. Yeah, that's really cool. And I see, yeah, it's two pages a day. I mean, I.

So you'll get like a real life story and then you'll get like a practical way to kind of implement it in your life.

And I think that, you know, I always believe that you learn from everywhere. And there's a structure here that is not. You could be faith based or not have a faith or have a different faith. You're still going to take. Everything you say is. There's a honesty and a vulnerability to it. And so much of what you're talking about here and in the book is translatable and universal.

And you know what's interesting is I wanted to write a dating book just about all my stories. Because I'm like, these are really just. I mean every guy had a different, you know, Mr. Wilshire, Mr. Whole Foods, big D. You know, I had, I mean, you go, I could give chapter to every guy that I dated. And what's interesting is that book didn't make the cutting room floor like I worked so. And you know what it's like to write a book. It was a proposal at the time. It's a lot of effort and energy and a Lot of you. And so to have it, to have nobody want it, it was very heartbreaking. But what's weird. And so that's how this book was born. I started, I was like, you know what? I want to do something totally different and started writing this book. But what's interesting is when I was doing the dating book proposal, I just started dating my current boyfriend Robbie, and I was like, I feel like my dating book doesn't have, like, the punch at the end, you know, like, it didn't have that, like, that thing. And so it's really funny because I feel like I probably will write that book at some point down the line and it's gonna have a very different, like, ending to it.

I think you've got a ton of content from this conversation here for your book because it's really good stuff. Yeah, it's really good stuff and it's very inspiring. So before we go into questions, everyone grab a copy of this. It's called the sunshine mind 100 days to finding the hope and joy you want. So go check that out and we're going to move on to our exclusive session for our love life club members right now.

Oh, that's so nice.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

Thanks, Tanya. Bye, everyone.

Bye.

Before we go, everybody, if you haven't already, make sure to go over to that link dating with results to watch the one hour free training for your love life so that you can find the love you want this year. This is so important if for you, you feel like the missing piece of your life is finding a partner. So go over there now. Datingwithresults.com and before you go, do grab a copy of Tanya's book the sunshine mind 100 days to find out the hope and joy you want. Tanya was an amazing guest. So grateful to have her on. And if you love that conversation, you're really going to love her book. As always, when we have a guest here on love Life, there is a special exclusive Q and a portion of this that is reserved for our love life club members. So what you'll hear is the initial conversation I had with Tanya and for all all of my love life club members. You will find the full conversation and the members Q and a inside the love life club members app. I look forward to connecting with you again in the next episode of love Life. Thank you for listening, everybody. Do not forget to go and watch the replay of the year of love event I did this month. It's completely free, but it's only available a couple more days. This is going to set you up to find find the love you want in 2026. Come and watch it now before it disappears. You can watch it@mhyearoflove.com that's mhyearoflove.com I.

Will see you there.

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