Don't Make This Common First-Date Mistake

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Last month we did a really small socially distanced event for some close fans in the town in which I reside, Los Angeles. We'll call it Matthew's tiny COVID Delta variant show. At least until I come up with a catchier name. This is a clip from that show. Enjoy.

Okay, so a little bit of background. I'm a psychologist. I am finishing up my PhD. I have had such a hard time in relationships. Like, I feel like I know the theories, I've read a lot, but I just like really struggle.

Which part do you feel you struggle with in particular?

It's really hard for me to like feel close to men and I feel like I also draw people who like share too much initially and then I get really like overwhelmed by them romantically.

Why do you think you draw people like that?

I think I'm open and I think people are like oh I can tell you anything like I just feel like I can share so much.

Right.

And I don't know how to like so that also brings people who are really problematic or who have a lot of trauma. And I just, I'm here because I'm just like, what can I do to change that?

Tell me a little more about the being, you know, because it's an interesting contrast, right? You saying that I, people, they come forward and they suffocate me with information and share oversharing, but you said you find it hard to get close to men. What did you mean when you said that? Or did you just mean that your reaction to the oversharing is to pull back?

It's to pull back, but also to to connect, to really build on relationships, to not whenever I see something wrong, I immediately leave. I don't like to work through things.

I see.

Yes. Can I say I have the same problem?

Yeah.

I was gonna mention it because I'm a behavior analyst. and I just had a day the other day and the guy just told me his whole life story and I was like, I know I'm a good listener but I don't care about your vagina. And then I'm like, no, because I'm like analyzing everything. I'm like, no, why? It's too much too soon. And then I don't know, just like you. I was like, oh my god, am I the only one? I guess I'm not. It's like torture. It's like, no, I don't want to fix you, stop. And I was like, I'm an eating disorder guys and I'm like, it really is. And I feel like almost now that I'm like, I'm like finishing my PhD, that that almost makes men more intimidated and they're like, you're a psychologist or you like do this kind of work, like absolutely, like I can't handle it. I was like, yeah, I'm gonna, because I used to be a hairstylist, so I'm like, should I just say I'm a hairstylist? I'm not like analyzing or every move.

Like I don't even know what to say anymore. When people are intimidating, they're usually not connecting. When we're sitting with someone and we're curious about them, when we're impressed by them, the being intimidating part tends to dissolve because someone feels like, oh wow, this person thinks I'm I'm impressive or they think I'm interesting or they think there's something about me. And it also, man or woman, I'm not talking about women here, man or woman, it's important, I believe, to we tend to lead with the weapon we're most comfortable wielding. We all have our weapon of choice. Think for a moment, everyone in this room, what your favorite weapon, the sword you feel best swinging is. Everyone's got it. For some women, it's like being ultra sexy. That's the sword they wield. And then that person comes to me and says, you know, Men only see me in one way. And we unpack often the fact that this weapon they're wielding is A, attracting a certain kind of person, and B, actually stopping people from seeing what else is there. When people are intellectual or they've done You know, they've been to an amazing college or they've had, then that tends to be the weapon that they're most comfortable wielding. So they'll often walk into situations armed up as the intellect. My suspicion is that you're using the weapon that's comfortable to you, which may be deep conversation, Yes. And then when they meet you there and say, okay, deep conversation mode, you keep asking questions because you go, well at least we're talking, I guess we're talking, I guess we're connecting. So another question, another question, another question. And then at the end of it you go, why are they telling me so much information? But it's because it's not all your fault, it's just that you're comfortable letting it unfold that way. And what I need you to do is take a risk to lead it a different way. And in dating, there always has to be a first mover of some kind, right? There always has to be someone who just takes like the little step in that direction. Like it's that first time you're, you know, around someone you thought was a friend and they tell you you look good in a way that a friend doesn't. And they just reached out a little bit. And then when you take a step forward, you're doing the same and they get validated and they go, that was nice, that worked. Okay, I'll do a little bit more. I have finished entire dates where I had no idea the woman I was on a date with actually found me sexually attractive. No idea. I knew she thought I was a decent human being. I knew that. But that's not what makes us call each other, is it? We don't go home to our friends and go, you know, I'm so excited to see this person again. They are such a decent human being. What gets us to call man or woman is when we have that beautiful combination of connection and chemistry. We'll even call if there's just chemistry. We'll fuck up our lives on just chemistry. But we won't do it if there's just connection. It doesn't work the other way around. Most of us won't do it on just connection. It doesn't give us that fuel that makes us want to pick up the phone. I gotta call this person. I gotta call them. It doesn't make us do that. I finished entire dates where I didn't know if someone found me hot. Not found me attractive. That's different. Attractive isn't even quite it, you know? Hot. And I wake up the next day and I say, well that was really nice. We had good conversation but I don't know. It didn't make me want to pick up the phone. And I was attracted to that person. The reason I went on the date is because I thought they were really attractive. I went because I thought they were attractive but I didn't finish with any electricity. So there was nothing charging the next stage. And then a day later I get a text. Last night was really fun. I'd love to see you again. And I'm like, what? I've had that experience where you go, were we on the same date? How do you feel? So you like me? Someone shouldn't be surprised to hear you like them. That shouldn't come as like a piece of revelation. Oh my god, she actually likes me. I'm not saying you have to spend a date doting over someone. That would be bad too. But just a moment, a glimmer where someone realizes, Oh, we're not friends. And we're not gonna be friends. That's sexy when you feel that. Uh-oh, okay, I get it. We're not friends. Okay, now let's keep talking. Now you keep talking about all the other cool stuff, but there's a subtext. The problem is when you're on a date and you're talking about all of that stuff, but there's no subtext. Now you're just in conversation. So biggest advice for you, for anyone, for all of us, what's the weapon I am most comfortable wielding and how is that weapon hurting me? How is it hurting me? What new weapon do I want to start sharpening? and bringing out even slowly in small ways. But I promise you, you bring out different, you just brandish a different weapon for a moment and you'll start getting different reactions. And the reactions may sometimes be what you want, they may not. But the different reaction will give you hope. Because you'll be like, oh, this is great because it's not the groove I was in. It shows I can have an effect on the environment. I can have an effect on the situation. I'm not just a passenger on a date. I am someone who can actually lead the dance even if it doesn't look like I'm doing anything at all. Thank you. Great question. Before you swan off into your life today doing whatever it is you do and you don't live here with me, I have something you might be interested in. Did you know that I have a club, a group of people that every month I work with, not just on their love lives, but on their love for life, on their relationship with themselves, on their relationship with life itself. It is like a gym for your psychology, your emotions, and your confidence. And it goes way deeper than we can here in a five or 10 minute video. And I get the chance to live to coach people, to answer questions, to do live demonstrations. If you haven't tried it yet, there's a 14-day free trial so that you can join risk-free and decide after a couple of sessions if you want to continue. So come and join. Go to askmh.com and I will see you over there.