This podcast clip (from “(Rewind): Don’t Mistakes These Behaviours As Signs Of Commitment”) discusses early-dating misconceptions: Mistake #2 — assuming sex naturally leads to commitment (sex may precede commitment but does not guarantee mutual bonding); Mistake #3 — assuming emotional intimacy (deep talks, frequent contact) implies long-term intentions. The hosts note cultural forces that enable people to enjoy intimacy without commitment (the “girlfriend experience” without responsibility), warn listeners to protect themselves by setting standards, and advise using leverage (frequency, introductions to friends, weekend plans) to ask about intent rather than relying on elapsed time. The clip closes with a promotion for a virtual retreat (June 2–4).
Chapters
I really believe assuming exclusivity is a very dangerous thing because you just don't know until you have the conversations with somebody. what's up, everybody? Welcome back to the love life podcast. We have a clip from the archives today that I think you're really going to enjoy. Check it out.
Mistake number two is assuming that sex naturally leads to commitment. The keyword being there naturally leads to commitment because sex can be the precursor to commitment. There's no rule that says having sex early means that you won't end up in a relationship with this person. But assuming that just because you are regularly being physically intimate with this person, they come over a few times a week or whatever, and you sleep together, assuming that that then means there is a real future plan here.
Yeah, well, that extends even to thinking that even before commitment, thinking that having sex with someone is going to create more of a bond is an assumption because there is no guarantee that it will create a bond for the other person. There's no guarantee that sex means the same thing to them as it does to you.
Absolutely. And that's why you have to be, you know, it's fine if, if you have a standard that you're fine being physically intimate with someone because you like them and you don't necessarily expect that to go somewhere. That's fine. But if for your own protection, you know, I will get emotionally attached, I will feel like I want this to be something more because I'm sleeping with some regularly. If you know that it does behoove you to be careful in, you know, just falling into that trap of like, we're sleeping together and I'm just gonna assume and get closer and closer to this person and assume that it's gonna lead somewhere serious.
What's mistake number three?
Mistake number three is assuming that sharing emotional intimacy means he has long-term intentions. And this can, you know, this can apply to men and women. So it's not, it's not gender specific, but just because you have phone calls, long talks into the night, or you're sharing loads of deep stuff over texting or whatever. Again, that people can enjoy the fact that they have someone they can actually just come home at the end of the day and talk about how work was, why they're stressed with their boss, why they're pissed, what's not going their way, what they want. People can enjoy that feeling and that comfort, the comfort traps of a relationship. without necessarily meaning that, like, they exclusively have eyes for that person, or just that they may still feel like, yeah, but I don't want to, like, go the full way, but I really enjoy this, you know, this, like, special friendship we have.
To me, there's something that's jumping out, which is the elephant in the room, right? You know, it's all well and good to say to people, Watch out for these things, and, you know, these mistakes, and. that you make in assuming all these different things in early dating. But there's a lot of people out there who, a lot of men out there who kind of just want the girlfriend experience. And they're quite happy to use people. They're happy to use you physically, emotionally. They're happy to love bomb you in a way of, you know, just messaging you all day long and inviting you out to things and creating this false sense of security and intimacy. Meanwhile, because they've never actually articulated the words that they are committed to you, they're always in the clear. As you have said multiple times, Matt, you know, we have to take responsibility to protect ourselves because a lot of people, if you let them, will just take advantage of those things. And just because your standard for how you treat people is a certain way does not mean somebody else will have the same standard as you, and you just have to be very mindful of those things.
That's the thing, right? I'm not saying someone's wrong for assuming those things mean something, and I'm not, it's not good that people do lead people on in these ways. So it's definitely me not blaming someone for assuming it means more than it does. It's like, it's just that until you know there's intent, Until you're actually having some kind of conversation about it, or it's part of the dialogue you have, you cannot just go, you cannot just say, well, these things are happening, so I assume that we're going to have a future together.
And more than ever, I do think it's worth pointing out here that the culture kind of creates that it makes these assumptions work less and less over time because the culture The culture makes it easier for people to just kind of have their cake and eat it too.
Yeah, I agree.
So what do you do?
Just explain that for us a bit, Jameson.
So you have a culture where it's just like Audrey is saying, I think extremely well, which is the guys want to feel all of this stuff. They want to feel the intimacy, they want to have sex, they want to be close to somebody. But then they also want to not have any of the responsibility that that entails normally with investment or anything. And so they don't need to put a name on it. We don't need to put a title on it. We don't need to make it official. I can kind of just like get this experience here and experience everything else in life too at the same exact time. The culture is telling me I should do that. The culture is letting me get away with doing that.
So do you think the culture is, the culture is you think telling people to do that In what sense? Like, are we saying that for men, it's kind of portrayed as just being more cool to be able to do that?
More cool, FOMO. It's like, you know, the media too, the Don Draper, the James Bond, just the cool archetype cool guy can kind of get away with having both.
And also, I think women feel this enormous amount of pressure to play a perfect game of chess in order to get somebody to commit to them, which you, you know, I personally think is a kind of patriarchal view that is just taken on by Society. When it comes to women, it's almost we're the ones that have to constantly wait to be chosen, and we must wait patiently and do all the right things until somebody finally decides to commit to us. Now, that can obviously happen the other way around, but I think there is an absolute truth in that. and it makes it very easy for men to take their sweet time and be able to say, well, we're, we've only been dating for a month. You know, we've only, we've only seen each other three times a week for two months. Like, I don't know yet. I, and, and it's, it's quite hypocritical, really, because if that same person, same man was to meet somebody who they fell head over heels with, they would be the ones who are anxiously waiting for their message. They would be the one who are anxiously waiting to know whether this person would be interested in committing to them. But when it's the other way around and they hold all the cards, they're quite happy to waste, to not waste someone's time, but to, to take their time with it and leave them in that kind of limbo. And it's almost the on this is on the women to wait and not be too needy and not be too desperate. And that's a real thing for, for women.
I think it would be one could deduce from what you just said though, that you therefore should just not be messing around with any guy who's just not head over heels for you and that the ones who are head over heels for you will make it known. Do you think that that's the answer or do you think what would you say is the antidote to what you're saying?
I don't think that's the answer. I think it's important to go into any situation with a certain standard for yourself, a certain level of expectation of behavior you will and won't tolerate. And I think most importantly than all, if you get, if you catch a whiff of somebody somehow making you feel Like you're being crazy for trying to get some answers as to whether or not this is going somewhere. You should be really wary of that because ultimately, if it has been, if enough time has elapsed, it's perfectly natural for you to want those answers. Now there's a correct way to go about it.
How much time is that? Because that's what I know people are gonna be asking, is what amount of time needs to elapse before you can have these kinds of conversations without you being the one who is being actually too intense.
I don't believe it's about time. I believe it's about how much leverage you have in that situation, meaning if the frequency of how much time you're spending together is escalating. and they want to go away on the weekend with you, or they want to see you more and more, or they want you to come out and meet their friends and do this. You're then in a position because they want more of your time. You're in a position to say, okay, well, I would love to do those things. However, on what terms? What am I in that case? If I am doing all these things with you, if we are speaking, as Stephen said, through the night until 3 a.m. about your troubles at work. Great, but I'm not your therapist because I'm not getting paid for it. So if I'm not your girlfriend or if I'm not someone you're at least interested in building a future with, am I just doing this pro bono? Because I, why should I? And that's obviously not the tone you should go into it with. But this is, I think the point is if somebody is demanding a lot of your time, your affection, your intimacy, you at that point have enough leverage to say, well, if you would like to continue spending this time with me. These are the times that I would like it to be on. And I would like to know that you're interested in at least seeing where this could go, if not a full-blown relationship, that we're on the same page as to where this could go and the potential of this turning into something meaningful.
I hope you enjoyed the episode. And a quick note before you go, the virtual retreat is coming up from from the 2nd to the 4th of June. If you want to do three days of coaching with me, go to mhvirtualretreat.com I promise you it will be here before we know it. If you know you want to join us, now is the time to get on board. That's mhvirtualretreat.com.
