Feeling Insecure About Their Ex? WATCH THIS | Rewind

Whoever this person is that has become an almost mythical figure of intimidation in your mind, you're taking a feature of them and making it really, really important.

Hey everyone, it's Matthew Hussey with the Love Life Podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I think you're going to enjoy this clip. It's a classic from the archives. Check it out and don't forget, if you can leave us a review on iTunes, it would mean the world. It helps us spread the word about this podcast. All right, let's get into the episode.

Somebody called Brittany wrote in to us, Also, and she was writing in relation to a past episode when we spoke about jealousy and exes and all of that stuff. And she said that what we were talking about is actually called retroactive jealousy and that when we feel jealous and insecure about our partner's past relationships, social media makes it super easy to stalk exes and see what they're like. I have felt insecure when former girlfriends seem more outgoing and social than me. Sexier, with larger breasts, also better careers. And I always look, she says, I always look at boobs. That's a major one. But I think that's quite interesting because I definitely think that women compare themselves to exes. And I'm sure men compare themselves to exes as well. But it's just an interesting thing that it's called retroactive jealousy. And it's interesting to hear that You know, lots of people suffer with that.

I sometimes think, you know, because we all relate to how we may suffer from that in our lives. We might take our current partner and have some imaginary picture of people from their past that we compare ourselves to. I always think there's something funny about the fact that most of us never consider how we're a ghost in somebody else's life. Like, how are we the Phantom Enemy in the lives of people we've never even met?

Yeah.

Like, think about it for a moment. Who that you've ever dated is now dating someone who you've become this foreboding, terrifying figure to. that they're like, oh, but, you know, so wait, what did, what does he do for a living? Or who is he? Or what's his thing? And, you know, they gave your ex, gave them just enough information for them to, you know, emotionally torture themselves.

I think it's a really relatable thing she said. And I think what's really interesting about it is we can spend an enormous amount of time comparing ourselves to people and static images on social media and the idea of what people were. But the reality is that people, that person with the great boobs and whatever, she, if you met her and you spent a decent amount of time with her, she would just become another person. She probably isn't that great and there's probably far less to feel insecure about than you feel like there is when you look at her Instagram. And I think that's a really, it's something that we have to be quite sober about because we can drive ourselves crazy otherwise with just the sort of idea of what someone is. But ultimately they are just another person.

There's a, there's a, but you know, there's that great moment in Forgetting Sarah Marshall where the, what's his name, the main dude in that, not Russell Brand, but the guy who gets his heart broken.

Jason Segel.

Jason Segel. You know where he's the ex who got his heart broken? And Russell Brand is the guy that got the girl.

Not the guy you want to date your ex.

Not the guy you want dating your ex.

Aldous Snow. It's like Russell Brand on steroids. Aldous Snow.

But it's just this great moment where he meets Aldous Snow, Russell Brand's character, out on the water. Surfing. And Alder Snow is just kind of this chill, relaxed, confident guy who's, you know, making cool references. And there's just a moment where Jason Seagal is it? He just goes, your cool. And it's like a moment where he's, it's like he wants it to be the moment where he realizes, oh, you're a complete tool. And instead, it's like a moment where it just, he's almost like, I get it. I get it. You know, I get why she'd want to be with you. And of course, as the movie unfolds, you begin to realize that Aldous Snow has a whole bunch of issues of his own and, you know, is not, even he is not the, you know, is not the, intimidating character that he's once thought to be in the sense that you realize, oh, to be with him would be a nightmare. And he turns out to be his ex's nightmare. But in that moment, that's almost the most terrifying moment, is the idea of meeting someone and being like, Man, you're cool.

What I love about that movie, too, is it really is just the worst Possible situation to get over this ex. She's everywhere. She's on billboards. She's all this stuff. And that movie was kind of made a bit before social media was at least the way social media is today. And I do think this whole retroactive jealousy thing, it is sort of just a real, like a modern, modern phenomenon. And I do wonder, like, is this making it just... I mean, look, is it making it just awful? for people right now? Or is there also some kind of silver lining here? Are we all just becoming a bit tougher?

I don't know if it's new.

I think it's just you have so many more ways to torture yourself today.

Well, totally, yeah. It's definitely not a new phenomenon, but the phenomenon of just it being so almost ridiculously in your face.

Correct, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's funny. We're funny. People are funny. I remember being at dinner with a guy before social media was where it is today. He was an older guy, maybe he was in his late 30s at the time, but he was kind of funny in the way that he spoke. And he was, I remember him saying, like, you know, he was like, Has my wife, you know, had bigger dicks than me? He was like, Probably. Like, yeah, she probably has. But, you know, like, I'm me and I have this, and, you know, we have a great relationship, and ultimately she chose me and whatever. And I remember when he said it, I wanted to throw up. I remember being like, the fact that you can even admit that and say that out loud is like some kind of Jedi level of equanimity. that at the time I was like, I cannot relate to this. You just, you know, I was like, why are you putting this in my head? But I kind of look back now and I was and it's almost like he had, you know, he almost had reached some kind of just level of radical acceptance and maturity where he was just like, it doesn't matter.

Yeah, well, that's it. And I think that's the kind of the cherry, the points to this, right? Is that if you let it, you will care. If you stalk your partner's ex, you will feel something, probably, most likely. If you think about your partner with other people, you will get jealous. If you think about all these things, you will care because you're a human being. so accepting that that is absolutely something that is able to make you feel, it's able to make you feel bad. But then choosing to go as a result, I'm gonna just avoid it. I'm not gonna allow myself to open that box. I'm not gonna allow myself to go there because what's the point? Every time I do it, if I was to go there, I would just end up hurting myself.

I agree with that totally. And I think that removing the references to someone and removing the all the things that can link you back to them or trigger those thoughts is always a good idea. If you've already kind of, if you've already opened the wound and done the damage, I think one of the things that can really help is just to realize and connect with the idea that whoever this person is that has become an almost mythical figure of intimidation in your mind, they're not king of the world. They're not queen of the world. You're taking a feature of them and making it really, really important, whether it's that they're really funny or whether it's that they're really beautiful or good looking or whether it's that that dude's got a great body or he's taller or.

He'S whatever, he's more successful.

You're taking a feature and blowing out of all proportion. And you have to get back to the point where you go, no one is a God. No one is king of the world. No one is this person that's, by the way, so intimidating because you think that person has it all together. You're not thinking of that person in their deep dark moments of despair, or the things they're going through in their life, or the ways that that person that you're intimidated by has not got happiness figured out, or the way that they torture themselves, or the way that the thing they're going through right now, we rarely consider that.

Hey everyone, before you go anywhere, do remember to grab a copy of Love Life, the new book. We are doing amazing giveaways for people who get a copy of the book, including free retreats with me, six days in Florida this year on my live program, one-on-one with me. We're giving away a few of those and some love life sweatshirts and other goodies. Also, everyone who buys a copy of the book is getting a ticket to an event I am doing on May the 4th called Find youd Person. We're going to take the ideas of the book and bring them to life in a practical way for your love life this year so that you get the ultimate help in finding your person. All of this is on the page www.lovelifobook.com so go and grab yours now and order one as a gift for someone in your life as well who wants to raise their standards, find their person and most importantly live happily no matter what. I cannot wait for you to read this. In the meantime be well and love life.