"He Still Won't Commit After 2 Years"...What's The Best Move Now?

Welcome back to the Love Life podcast with me, Matthew Hussey. My wife, Audrey Hussey, is with me today. We're going to be answering a listener question that is all about commitment and this listener's situationship. She wants to be out of it. What can she do? By the way, so many of you email us about commitment every single day saying that in today's dating landscape, it is really hard to find people who want to commit. Well, I am answering that question once and for all on October the 22nd in a live global event that you can join absolutely free by going to www.lovelifetraining.com youm do not want to miss this if you are someone who is sick and tired of situationships, casual hookups and dead-end just relationships that never actually materialize into the real thing. This event is for you. It's going to be super practical. You're going to love it. Go sign up for free at lovelifetraining.com and join the thousands of people that are going to be with us that day. Welcome, everybody. To the Love Life podcast. I am here. My name is Matthew Hussey. If you are just finding out about that, The person that is me, and I'm here with Audrey Hussie.

We're very, very excited about today's episode. We have a...

Which is coming out on... Which is October the 16th?

Yeah, so we're recording this from the past.

I was gonna say it is October the 16th.

Well, we wouldn't...

It's October the 16th. And the news is...

It's spooky season.

There are spooky things happening everywhere. Including we have booked to go and see, we've booked with you, me, my mum and Stephen to go to a haunted house, haven't we?

Mm-. Yeah.

Which we went to two years ago and we really loved it.

It was really quite, like I didn't realize coming from England how involved Halloween is in LA. Like how much people just take it very seriously.

In America in general. They do have- I mean, Americans do Halloween very well.

I know. It's really good.

And we're gonna do a haunted house where last time a friend of ours got put in a closet.

Oh my God, he did. I forgot about that.

Yeah, that would have freaked me out, I think. He got put in a closet and God only knows what happened to him in there.

He seemed to enjoy it, though. He's a pretty good sport kind of person. Hey, do you know what else is spooky?

Go on. Is this going to be a segue to the episode theme?

Ah, you killed it.

No, I want to know.

You ruined it.

I want to know how you're going to make a spooky segue.

Some of these people's behaviours that are being reported to us in our inbox. You, you, I... No, this is good.

So you're saying the behaviours people have been reporting at podcast@matthewhussie.com, which is where you can email us, have been spooky.

Yeah, like, okay, bad.

Or tell us about some of these spooky behaviors that people have been reporting.

We do have a listener question today. Last week you had the pleasure of listening to Matthew and Esther Perel do their thing. It's really fun for me, by the way, to watch you as the heavyweight that you are in public speaking. As you know, I have a lot of admiration for the way you speak. And Esther, who is Esther? Sorry. Who is? such a heavyweight herself. And just watching you guys come together and have the conversation that you had was just like so much fun to watch live. Thank you.

It was really fun to do.

Yeah.

The last time I did a, I had a conversation with her was like four or five years ago. So we had a lot to catch up on. One of the things being you.

Yeah.

I was, yeah.

Yeah.

It's pretty crazy, but no, she was great. I hope everyone enjoyed the episode.

Yeah, i'm sure they did. Let us know what you thought of the episode. Send us an email, podcast@matthewhershey.com in case you did not catch it the first time. But today we are diving into somebody's question. Somebody called Amanda wrote in and this is her real name because she says she has no issues airing this publicly as she has no shame lol. So I felt like it was okay to say it because she Specifically, caveat at that. Amanda says, hi there, I've been listening to your show for a while now and I love how applicable, informative and entertaining it is. Over the last nearly two years, I have been involved in a situationship and have been trying to use the pointers from your show as a means of discovering if this is something that I really want, how to get more from this relationship, or if it's even good for me. Anyways, myself and this person go on regular trips together, hang out multiple times a week where sex isn't always involved, we discuss intimate details of each other's personal lives with one another, include each other in future plans. I have met all his friends, he has met all of mine, and we have both divulged that we do not want to see anyone else and that we like each other. Yet, this person is not ready for a relationship.

Oh, it's getting spooky.

I've noticed some people I know and heard some stories of other women going through similar situations where they are with somebody who feels like a boyfriend or girlfriend, but is not fully committing. What are your thoughts on this? I'm also not opposed to airing this publicly, as I have no shame lol. But yeah, what are your thoughts on this?

Frey Spooky, huh?

It is a bit spooky.

So, I think firstly, I was interested, there was a line right before she said he doesn't want a relationship, where she said that the two of them have said they don't want to see other people. Is that what she said?

Yeah, they're exclusive. Well, it's no, actually, I don't know if they're exclusive. She says, We have both divulged that we do not want to see anyone else and that we like each other.

Does she say how long this has been going on for?

She says, Over the last nearly two years.

So that's a long time. That is a long time. We're not talking like you're in month two with someone and you've slipped into this sort of boyfriend girlfriend pattern of behaviour, spending all this time together, you know, you've met each other's friends on a few nights out, you know, and, you know, you've done a couple of trips or whatever. You're talking about two years.

So let's can we just break down some potential scenarios of what could be going on here? because I think this will be useful for Amanda listening, because we don't know the situation. And seemingly on the surface, it does seem, you know, like a long time. But what could be going on here?

There's certainly something going on with him. We've obviously dealt with versions of this thousands of times. And in some scenarios, it would be we see each other a couple of times a month. But she says they see each other multiple times a week. weak. If he's seeing other people, I don't know if he is, but if he was seeing other people, then he's done a very good job of hiding that. So it sounds like at least he's seeing only her. But I don't know that that's guaranteed.

And I'd be interested, Amanda, you know, if you're listening, whether or not you specifically said, You know, we have decided we are not going to see other people, or whether the way that you wrote it was we've divulged that we do not want to see anyone else and that we like each other.

Right. Which is a... It's a pretty weak statement. I don't know when that was said, but if... Even if it was said a year ago, after a year of seeing each other, It would still be a weak statement. And the fact that things haven't progressed since then is... It's not good. And it shouldn't... That should be seen as an alarming lack of commitment from someone. He's either seeing other people or he's just seeing her, but he has a real block when it comes to the idea of having a real relationship. He's afraid of what it means to actually say, yes, we're in a relationship.

Right.

For some guys, saying yes, we're in a relationship is the equivalent to saying I do.

Yes. That's for a lot of guys. It's the equivalent to that, isn't it? Right. You got your own personal experience of that. Babe.

I don't know. Are you gonna share any of my personal experience with that? No, but I think I was looking at you. I was looking at you as like, where are you? Where is she going with this?

I'm going spooky.

Yeah, you've gone a bit spooky today. Tis the season. So I. You're okay. Yes.

No, no. Elaborate on that point, though, because it's a valid point, like.

For some guys, they can't fathom the idea of saying, I'm in a relationship because they have negative associations around what that means, that I'm now going to be trapped, that I'm now not going to be able to have my fun, that I'm now gonna be. There's no. It's kind of the point of no return. Whereas for as long as I keep it kind of on the edge here, I don't have to fully say I'm in, but I can still. enjoy it for what it is. But this is someone who is not available. It's someone who looks like they're really available, who is not available. Amanda, that is so confusing for you to be with someone who is not available but looks like they're really available. You're going on trips, you're meeting each other's friends, you're hanging out, you're sleeping together, you're seeing each other multiple times a week. That person- Two years. Yeah, that's a long time. And it's a real, that's a real head trip for you to be in a situation where you're kind of constantly feeling like someone's partner. And, but again, I would listen to what was said. I like you. I should fucking hope so after two years. like what are we doing here? How long are you going to live, Amanda? A thousand years? Do you have time to crawl at this pace? Like this is this would be a fine timeline if you lived for a thousand years. If we said, I like you two years in and then ten years in, we said, I love you. And then 50 years in, we said, I do. Like, but this is on the timeline that we live for someone saying, I like you. shouldn't be seen as like, in a two-year period, that's not that interesting. And saying, you know, divulging, as she puts it, that we don't wanna see other people. By the way, that's called a relationship.

But it sounds to me, and I don't know if you feel this way, it sounds to me, you've kind of said this already, but just that, Maybe this man is almost like keeping one foot firmly out in order to be able to at any point be like, I'm done and not be like the bad guy.

Yeah, because he can say, I never said this was a relationship.

Yeah.

He can be like this, you know.

I'm really honest. I'm not a bad guy.

Yeah, the whole time I gave you as much as I could. And I was honest about the fact that I'm afraid of relationships or that I couldn't do a relationship. I told you that. you decided to proceed anyway, which, by the way, is true. And I know that's going to make you a little mad, but that's also true that it would make it. It from his side, it would make him incredibly emotionally immature or, you know, ignorant or willfully ignorant or even somewhat, you know, Manipulative to suggest that he hadn't played a part in that.

Just really selfish.

Yes, of course. And he's led her on and he's made it feel like they're in a relationship and he's done all those things that really mess up someone's mind. That's true. It's also true that she knows he's not offering a relationship.

Yes, it is.

And we have to take responsibility for that. because otherwise you're empowering him.

But I agree with you. But I do think it's difficult for Amanda, I imagine, I suspect, because when somebody is seemingly giving you everything just apart from a little bit of them, what you don't go to is, oh, they are just keeping me as an option and they're mistreating me and they're doing that you go to. They have a blockage around relationships, and I need to be understanding of that because ultimately, that is the way that I can have them. And then over time, especially after two years, the sunk cost fallacy kicks in, as you've talked about many times, which is, well, I've invested this amount of time in this person. I can't walk away now. It's two years of my life. And I know that it'd be easy for anyone on the outside looking at this situation and saying, that's a crazy amount of time. How could you let this happen? How could you not have a commitment from someone for that long? But I can see how time progresses. Like, the longer it goes on, of course, the more the bond deepens. Because if they're seeing each other multiple times a week, they're bound to feel very close. And the more it's just very difficult to walk away. And I. I don't know. Like, I do. I agree with you. It is your responsibility, but it's very hard, especially when someone is giving you all of the right. signals or the right lines, all of the right things, apart from this one thing that they're holding back.

Yeah, but, you know, it's not one thing that he's holding back. It's not like the only thing he's holding back is the label of being in a relationship. We know. I don't. I haven't met the guy, and I know this is true. When a guy is seeing someone as much as he's seeing her, and they're going on trips and they've met each other's friends and blah, blah, blah. No matter how much she thinks she's getting of him, he is holding an enormous amount back. She's not getting all of him.

But then you, you tell yourself in that situation a bit of a story, don't you?

Yeah, for sure.

I don't mean that in a bad way.

And by the way, she also doesn't know what she's not getting.

Right. And I think you, you, you just sort of hold on to what you have and you kind of fluff around it and make it, you know, you like try and fill the spaces in the gap with just like fluff. Well, that's like a weird analogy, but you know what I mean? You sort of like...

The fluff thing's quite good actually, because she's getting a lot of fluff, but she's not necessarily getting like the real substance of like a relationship is, so much of it is vulnerability, is really being who you are, really being yourself, is having skin in the game. When you're constantly keeping someone at arm's length in the way he is, you don't really have skin in the game. There's no stakes.

And.

And I guarantee she's not seeing. all of him. And he's not because you don't see all of someone until they go all in.

Yeah.

You just don't. You're not getting 100% of that person. In fact, you'd probably be shocked at how much of that person you're not really getting. You'd probably be shocked at how much of that person you still don't know.

That's true. But how do you not get addicted to the breadcrumbs? Like, and I'm using this kind of, you know, popular term, like pop culture term to use, but it, it It does feel, even though there are all these trips and hangouts and friend meets and stuff, it's still breadcrumbs.

Well, in this case, they're not breadcrumbs.

They're like she's getting sandwiches. Sandwiches sound pretty good.

Right, that's the problem. That's the problem. He is not giving her breadcrumbs. He's giving her whole sandwiches. He's giving her trips. And they're hanging out all the time. And that's, of course, that's compelling because That's not just you fantasizing about someone that you see once or twice a month. This is someone who is very dangerous because you can actually build your life around them. They've become a lifestyle. You're excited about the next trip you're gonna do. You are hanging out multiple times a week, so you're kind of basing your week around them and when you're gonna see them next. you're making decisions based on where they're going to be at what times and, you know, sometimes life decision in many cases, because she's probably Amanda, you are probably in love with this man, right? I would take a wild guess and say you don't like him, you love him. And that means you're basing life decisions around this person that is, you know, giving you these sandwiches. Yeah. And that is understandable. I don't want to be like, I feel like I'm coming off a little salty today.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

But, but I know it's it. I say it because I, I know that Amanda could waste many more years in this situation because we've seen it a hundred, I mean, a thousand times. And the chances of him becoming ready by you staying, Amanda, are really low, honestly. That you're almost making the assumption that if you stay, you're going to break the pattern. But what's far more likely is that by staying, you cement the pattern.

Wow, yeah.

Your staying is not a rejection of this pattern, it's an approval of it. So what is the lesson he's learning right now? Amanda, think about this for a moment. How do you learn lessons in life? I bet you don't learn lessons when you're comfortable. I bet you learn lessons when things go wrong. When something hurts you. When, you know, someone changes their lifestyle very often when they have a health crisis, when something goes wrong, right? It's far less common for someone to like, when do or think about it, even on an everyday level, when do most of us decide, I'm going to go on a diet?

Was that a question to me?

I suppose. Like when do we decide?

You looked very pointedly at me.

No, no, no. I can tell you the time I don't go on a diet. The time I don't go on a diet is when I wake up and look in the mirror and think I look the same as yesterday. If I wake up and the scale says the same thing as it does when I'm eating well, I don't go on a diet. I keep eating bad food for as long as it doesn't affect my weight. I go on a diet because at a certain point, I think I don't like the way I look now.

Or.

This is affecting my health. Well, look at this relationship, Amanda. What are the chances that he changes as long as he is comfortable? As long as he keeps getting what he's always had. What he has learned over this time, and he may have learned it a long time ago, by the way, he may not have learned it with you. He may have learned it with someone, five people before you. But at some point he learned that it was possible to be able to Keep seeing someone have most of the things you get in a relationship. He's missing one of the greatest things you get in a relationship, by the way, because you can't ever have that unless you really got all of that.

What is the greatest thing?

Being a genuine team. Like genuinely being on a journey together. 'Cause you're not, he's not on a journey. He's just in an experience. He's having an experience, but he's not on a journey. He doesn't, he's not on a path with you. And being on a path with someone is so fun. Like feeling like you're building something together and feeling like you're going somewhere together and that you're really learning each other and feeling like you're investing in each other. And every time you make those deposits, you're making the relationship better and you're making the world that you're creating together better. That's the best.

And he's depriving her of that feeling too, because she's not having it by default.

That's exactly right. But there was, but so he's missing something really massive about what relationships can offer. He's not experiencing that, but he's having an experience. and what he learned at a certain point is that he can have that experience with certain people who won't demand any more of him. And he either learned this with you, Amanda, or he learned it before you. And ever since then, he's looked for people who will tolerate that and he finds them and. there's a very good chance this story doesn't have the ending you want. There's a very good chance that you decide that you want more and that you want that team that I was talking about. You want to create a world with someone and grow together and invest in each other and be on a path together. And that when you say that to him, and you say, look, either this happens or I gotta, I gotta go and find someone who wants that with me. There's a very good chance he just lets you go, that this has a really unsatisfying ending on that level. And here's what he'll do. He'll go out and find another person who will tolerate that all over again. and he'll hop from one to the other. So this is the thing that we have to connect with. And I really hope people listening to this connect with this. He never has to learn this lesson. There's no rule in life that says he has to learn the lesson that relationships are awesome. and that all the really exceptional things, the exquisite things you get from a relationship, you can only get by going all in on a relationship. There is no... Nowhere is it written that he has to learn that in this lifetime. And so he can actually go through his whole life living on the frequency he's living on now and spend the rest of his life Finding people who will do that with him. And every time someone decides enough is enough, I don't want to do this anymore, it doesn't necessarily mean he goes away and says, oh, my God, you know, this is it. This is the time I learn. He just goes out. It's far easier, by the way, for him to just go and find someone who fits his comfort zone, which is doing what he's doing with you right now. So that's the reality. And your decision, Amanda, is whether to continue to be a part of that reality or to go and take your reality back. Because right now, you're not living your reality, you're living his.

But I have a question because I'm Amanda, I'm listening to this, and I'm like, yeah, Matthew, love it, agreed, I don't love it, and you know, that's not what I want to hear, but also, I agree, it all makes sense. that, you know, I don't know how old Amanda is, I don't know what her situation is, I don't know what her history is like, but she may be in a situation where she goes, okay, but the idea of going from what feels like connection, companionship, feels like something, and I'm used to it, and I love this person, going from that to the abyss, the unknown, like, that's really scary. And sometimes I think people struggle to let go of people and situationships that aren't serving them and aren't good for them because the alternative feels like potentially it's just loneliness and nothingness.

You're already unhappy. What are you worried about that you're going to be unhappy? You're unhappy.

No, but she may say, I'm not unhappy.

She's unhappy.

Unsatisfied with the situation.

She's not unsatisfied. She's unhappy.

But she probably feels I would be more unhappy because I would be alone and that would hurt more.

It only, you're only scared that it will hurt more. The pain will be more acute in the short term, right? That's true. The pain of leaving this person, you are, by leaving this person, you your heart will break. And that will be acute pain. And you will have to grieve this person, that right now you're not grieving. They're there, you're connected to them. You're never really having to deal with the loss. By the way, the loss has already happened. you just haven't accepted it yet. What is true is that this pain that she's got right now, because it is pain, we have to call it what it is. What she is experiencing is not the euphemistic way we refer to this is confusion. I'm confused. I don't know what he wants. I don't get this guy. That's the euphemism. The truth is, I'm in pain. I'm in pain because I really love this person. I'm giving them so much time and energy. I believe in the future with this person. I desperately want a future with this person. and they aren't choosing me. That is pain. So you're in Amanda, we have to call it what it is. You are in pain.

And.

By removing yourself from this situation, you will be out of that pain. And you'll be in a new kind of pain. whether it's loneliness or heartbreak or grieving. But that pain can be transformative. The pain you're feeling now can't be transformative because it's chronic and it will be there for as long as you keep choosing someone who's not choosing you. But the pain of leaving can be transformative because it can make you strong. It can give birth to a whole chapter of your life where you start learning how to find joy and peace within yourself and happiness within yourself. And it actually makes space for the kind of relationship you're really, really wanting. The one where you do get to build a world with someone. And by the way, if you want to know if he can change, ask. You can find that out today.

This reminds me, we have the webinar. What day is this? This is being recorded in the past. So I just let me just think of it.

What are you talking about? It's October the 16th.

Oh, October the 16th. So next week. Oh my God. Next week we have a live event, which is all about commitment and it's free.

It's on the 22nd of October.

On the 22nd of October, very spooky.

Very spooky.

Getting a bit spooky. 22nd of October.

Well, we have this, it's a free event, but we have thousands of people signed up to come and be part of this with us. And it's literally going to be all about getting commitment.

And by the time, because we aren't recording this from the past, by the time the October 16th comes around, we'll have like tens of thousands of people signed up.

Yeah, this has already been a very, very popular event for people registering because it is at the heart of so much of what is challenging about today's dating culture that, you know, many people are single and keep running into people who are not ready or aren't emotionally available, won't commit, string them along endlessly. And there are other people who I know listen to the love life podcast who in a relationship with someone right now who doesn't want a relationship or who is on the fence and is proving to be challenging when talking about these things or never brings them up. And you're like, how long am I going to continue to just, quote, see this person and see where it goes?

We've all been stuck in a situationship before, whether it's Amanda for two years or you know, few months or whatever it is, we've all been stuck in a situationship. And so this is why we decided to make this event happen. It's such a big subject for people. Like, how do we get people out of these horrible situationships and into actual relationships or into a place where they can go and find an actual relationship? Anyway, you were making a different point. Where do people sign up?

Well, the whole we're gonna do this as like one very high value, very practical session for people. And you can sign up at lovelifetraining.com and it's free. So, I mean, just, you know, show up.

Just do it.

That's what you need to do. Go to lovelifetraining.com, it'll take you seconds to register and we'll send you an email with the link for how you can join on the day.

So you were saying about Amanda, you were saying that, You know, if you want to find out whether he can change, just ask. And there are ways to do that.

Yeah, you don't need to go into the future to find out. You just need to find out today. Just, you know, you can talk to him about whether he's at this point in a position to have a fully committed relationship.

Talk about spooky conversation.

Oh, his blood's gonna run cold.

It sent me over the edge, thinking about it.

But she could talk to him about that. It is scary. It's gonna... And what you'll find is that he will say, I'm almost certain of it. He will say, I just don't feel ready. And Amanda, in that moment, you have to ask yourself why you think it is that if he isn't ready in year two to have a relationship with you, where he says yes to a relationship, Where are you getting this hunch that in year three he's gonna be ready?

Yeah, such a good point.

It makes no sense whatsoever. All the evidence points to the opposite. And if he's going to become ready, it's far more likely that he becomes ready by you leaving than by you staying. And Amanda, I know, I get it. I get it. I know. how hard this is. I know how hard it is to walk away, but let me tell you what's harder. Five more years of this.

That's so true. That's so true. And you never get your time back.

No, you don't get you. You can find another guy, and it ain't gonna be that hard to find a better guy because a better guy is instantly just someone who says yes.

Yeah.

So the bar is not that high right now, right? You can find another guy. You can't. You can't go to the shop and get more years. There is nowhere can anyone offer you more years. But there are plenty more guys out there.

So.

Thank you, everyone, for listening. Thank you, Amanda, for sending in a question. Brave and vulnerable. It's, you know, I think it's always so lovely when people email us because it takes guts to put yourself on the line. It takes guts to put yourself in a position where you might hear something you don't want to hear. I don't really think Amanda thought that she was gonna get an answer that said that this guy is awesome and she should keep trying. I think some part of Amanda knew that we were gonna give her truth. And that means Amanda that some part of you was ready for that. And that's a good thing, 'cause that means some part of you is ready to do what you haven't been able to do in these last two years. There's a reason to be optimistic. And thank you to everyone who sends us in questions. We're gonna get around to more of them in the Love Life podcast.

Thank you, Matthew, for your amazing wisdom as usual.

That's lovely. Well, you make an amazing partner in this. And we'll have more episodes with Steve and Hussie as well. So look out for those. And thank you for listening, all of you. We really appreciate you. We'll see you in the next episode of Love Life. And remember, if you haven't signed up to our event on October the 22nd, it is going to be a really, really special event. We're putting a ton of effort into this. And you know, we are literally spending many, many hours trying to make this as valuable as possible for you. If you want to get out of the rat race of casual relationships and get the good stuff, which is the relationship that you're looking for, this session is going to help put you on the path to real commitment instead of an endless loop of emotionally unavailable people. who can't give you what you're looking for.

No more sandwiches.

Come join us on our session live on October the 22nd and you can join at lovelifetraining.com, come check it out and thank you for listening as always. Be well friends of the podcast and love life.