He Won’t Commit, But He Won’t Let You Go Either?

Hello there, friends. It is Stephen Hussey here, your host of the Love Life podcast podcast. And today we are talking about commitment and why some people have one foot in the door and one foot out, where they give you some hope, they give you some affection, they give you physical attention, and yet their actions show that they are not ready to commit. So I'm going to hand over to Matthew and I'm going to say a few words afterwards. But. But right now, over to the big guy.

Julia, why don't you tell us your question?

Okay, well, it's a little complicated, but I'll try to make it short. I've been with this guy for about two years. We broke up eight months ago. For the past eight months, I've been in, like, competition with this girl online. Like a girl he never met, most likely a girl he's never going to meet, so. And I also recently found out he slept with his ex a couple months ago. So my question is, he keeps telling me, I don't want to commit. I don't want to commit to a relationship, but I feel like he's committed to her because he's always going back to her and me. So why is it, like, so hard for him to commit? Or is it just like he wants her because he knows she's temporary and he sees a future with me and that scares him? I don't know. Like, why is it so hard for him to commit from, like, a guy's perspective?

Okay, so he slept with his ex after he was with you.

Right.

And he's also been talking to this woman online.

Right. And me all at the same time.

Okay, how old is this guy?

He's 17. I'm 18.

Okay, so what do you think might be going on for him right now as a 17 year old?

I don't know. I feel young man starting to, like, mature. But why doesn't he just let me go if it's so hard for him to commit? And. And yet I told him just let's.

Because he's. Because he's selfish.

That's what I thought. Exactly what I thought.

Because he's selfish. And because 17 year olds are selfish, that doesn't mean all 17 year olds are bad people. But if you want to, if you want to come up with a bit of a stereotype, teenagers are selfish. And by the way, he may be selfish for another 10 years, but he's not essentially looking out for your feelings. He's right now enjoying validation from every direction.

Right.

It may be he likes you so much he doesn't want to let go, but caring about you would be to let you go. And he doesn't care about you enough to do that. And I think it's good for you to experience selfish men at this age because meeting a guy like this and feeling attraction for him is good. The pain is good. The rejection is good. It's all very important. And I wouldn't wish for anything else for you. If you called me today and said, if I had a magic wand that could take away all of this and make him right for you and make him commit and not have you have to experience being in competition for anybody, I still wouldn't waive it. I would still want you to go through all of this and have this experience because it's really important for making you an interesting and developed person.

Wow, you're amazing. Oh, my God. Everything you just said was like on point.

So have fun out there, Julia. Enjoy it. Don't waste any more time here. You know, you don't have to be mean about it. You don't have to cut yourself off from him completely if you don't want to. But he's not denying himself other experiences and you shouldn't either.

Okay, got it.

All right.

Now I think there are some really important takeaways, crystal clear takeaways from those words Matt just said that I want to highlight from that Q and A. So the first one, the really, really crucial one, is overrate someone liking you. Someone can be attracted to you, they can be into you, they can show affection for you. But it doesn't mean that in their actions they care about your feelings. If that guy, from that example there, from the woman Matt spoke to, if he's willing to show that he can also be interested in another woman and he can string this other person along and say, well, I'm not quite ready to commit. And he might, even in his head, he might think, I do care about this person, I like her. But his actions aren't showing that. His actions are those of a selfish person who's trying to get everything he wants. He's trying to. He knows this woman would like to commit to him, but he's saying, yeah, but I want to keep her in my life, but I'm still going to tell her I'm not ready yet. That's not kind behavior. That's not thoughtful behavior. That's self centered. That's looking out, trying to get. Have your cake and eat it, have your own pleasure and string someone along. So don't overrate the fact that someone Likes you or you have a connection. Also dealing with the reality in front of us, not living on hope. There's so many people who, they always come up with a if only scenario. Like, I want to keep this person around in my life because if only this one quality about them were different, it would all totally work. I've heard that so many times. And we can do that about anything in life. We can just say, if that one variable changed, then I would love that job. If that environment wasn't so toxic, I would love that. If my brother didn't act this way, if my mother didn't act this way, we'd get along great. The fact is, these are the facts. We have to see the reality in front of us and make some decisions. And sometimes in life we see the reality and say, okay, I'm going to love this person anyway, despite them being flawed. But what we cannot do is live on hope. Hope that this will change with no evidence before us that this person is even interested in changing or that capable of changing. And so if someone's showing you through all their actions that they're immature, they're not ready yet. Maybe for their own reasons, they're. That's fine, right? They might have their own reasons. They don't have to be ready to commit, but we have to be ready to act on that information and say, this is the reality. So I am going to be sensible now, rational, and act accordingly. I'm going to take care of myself in this scenario. I'm not going to, you know, I'm not going to con myself on this and live on hope and, and just imagine that maybe one day things will magically work out. Take care of yourself now. You save yourself years of pain and then just being able, you know, being able to step back from a situation and take care of yourself. As if you were looking at those objectively and you were saying, well, you know, if this was my best friend or someone I really cared about, and they said, well, hey, I really want to be with this guy or this person, but they like someone else and, and they're telling me they're not ready. And I'm so confused. You would say, what the hell are you doing? This person is showing you that they don't prioritize. You get out of there. Go find someone who really cares. That's what you would be saying. So you need to talk to yourself in this way. You need to be able to. It takes a lot. Because when you get sucked into something, it's very easy to rationalize to yourself and it doesn't seem so clear. But just being able to take that space, you know, get that space you need, even take physical space away from that person so you can get perspective and be like, hang on, would I. Would I choose this scenario if I was outside of it? Like, if someone offered this to me without me having any information, would I choose to be in this situation? I'd say, hell, no. I'm gonna look for something much more simple with someone who actually reciprocates my feelings and wants what I want. This isn't the scenario you would choose, so don't choose to stay in it now. Really, really important. It's so important to get that perspective in whatever way you can get space from the scenario. Take a beat. Realize what it means to take care of yourself in that situation. All right, my prunes, pickles, peaches, pears and puddings. I'm going to sign out for today. Wish you all the best. Have a lovely middle of the week or whenever you're listening to this. I realize people listen to this at different times, so it doesn't make sense if I say the day. And if you want to email us, you can@podcastathewhussey.com we love to receive your emails, thoughts on the show, any positive changes you've made in response to this, any questions you have, and that's all from me, kids. So have a lovely day wherever you are, whatever time zone, whatever place you're in right now, and I will see you very soon. All right? Have a week.

I see the vlog sites.

Got a new wife. Shorty. Got a new boo.

Yeah, love. Beautiful.

Looking for love.