Help – I’ve Messed up Playing “Hard to Get!”

Hi.

I'm Matthew Hussey. Welcome to Love Life. It's a privilege to be able to offer you bite-sized bits of advice on this podcast that you can use every day. But what if you're ready for a big transformation and you want to do it now? You want to reinvent your career or finally find lasting love or break free from the self-doubt that's holding you back from living the abundant life you were meant to live. If you're saying, Yes, Matt, that's me, I'm going to tell you exactly how to do just that at the end of today's show. Make sure you stay tuned. First, let's get to today's episode. We have a caller on the line today. I believe that caller's name is Carlene. Tell us, Carlene, what's your question?

Yeah, I just have a quick question because, you know, I've been playing Hearts to Get for so long and it's not working out for me. And I've been single for three years. And finally, I've met this guy that I really like. So we had a date last Saturday, but I think I did it the wrong way. We made out and I'm just worried how am I going to maintain the interest level after that? Because I felt like after that the interest level went down.

What do you normally do when you play hard to get? When you say you've been playing hard to get for a long time, what does that mean?

Yeah, I don't text them. I mean, if they don't text me, I don't text them. And usually if they get started to feel physical or like ask for a kiss, I told them no. But this one is like right off the bat, like we did it, like we kissed, we hugged, you know.

So do you think that not kissing a guy or saying no when they try to be more physical with you is the way to get guys to like you?

No.

Why not?

I mean, I'm sending a wrong signal to them that I don't like them.

Okay, so it could be confusing in that way. It could mean, well, she doesn't like me or she doesn't find me sexually attractive. That, by the way, doesn't mean you should say yes every time. But there is, of course, a moment where it's fun to say yes.

Right?

Because you- I try to- It's nice. It's nice, of course, because you're going out with someone because you like them too. So there is a time when it feels both timely, appropriate, and fun to say yes. What I'm thinking of is why is it that you've got this rule in your head that means if I kiss him on the first date, he won't be interested anymore?

Yes, because I felt like I let my guard down. too comfortable right away. And I don't want him to feel that I'm easy. You know, I want him to see me in a relation type of serious relation type of potential.

But does kissing a guy on a first date mean you're easy?

I'm not sure. Maybe.

Here's how I define easy. Easy is I will always Break my standards in order to please somebody else. Whatever they want, whenever they want it, they can have it on their terms because I don't wanna be confrontational, I don't wanna be difficult, and I don't want to say no to somebody. To me, that's easy. You kissing someone because you feel like kissing them doesn't make you easy.

No, it doesn't.

Nor does even sleeping with a guy. And sleeping with a guy doesn't make you easy. That might have been the one time in your life that you've done it. When a woman says, you know, I had a one night stand and she talks about it because it was a rare occasion for her. She never normally has a one night stand. Does that make her an easy person? Or does it just mean that night she had a different set of ideas about how that night would go down?

Yeah, I think I'll go for the second one that you mentioned.

Yeah, right.

Gotcha. But how am I gonna maintain? Because after that, like, on our text messages, I think the interest level, he's not that aggressive enough. He changed.

Here's what you have to be careful of, Colleen, 'cause you're in danger right now of creating a rule around something that's not reality. See, what you're saying is right now he's not being as aggressive in terms of coming after me. But you're also saying that's because I kissed him, and I'm gonna tell you that those two things don't necessarily have anything to do with each other. You're creating a rule that supports your theory that you already have, which is, I need to play ultra hard to get and always reject a guy's advances. And now that I didn't reject a guy's advances, he doesn't like me anymore, so I should definitely go back to rejecting all of their advances. Well, that's not, that's just a rule that you've made up in your head. Guys sometimes lose interest, guys sometimes decide to text you less or call you less. That's just what happens. That happens to people all the time, regardless of what exactly they do. It can happen to any of us. Now, you know that at any point you can go on a date with this guy again and you can put on the brakes or you slow things down if you want to, or you could just say, you know what? kissing him is no big deal. I kissed a guy. It's no big deal. Like, I'm not, this isn't, I didn't say to him, right, I'm now open for business 24 hours a day, anytime you want me, come get me. You just, you kissed him because that's what, because you were a woman and you were out on a date and maybe he was looking hot and you thought, why not? This will be fun. So don't suck the fun out of it by suddenly saying, well, I definitely shouldn't have kissed him. That's how I ruined it. I don't believe that. And just because there are many, by the way, there are many situations where a guy goes on a date with a woman, sleeps with her, has such a great time, is really attracted and says, I must have her again. I must call her again. And maybe she slows it down a bit. Maybe she says, you, know what? I realized we moved a bit quickly because we're so hot and into each other and, you know, I just wanted to, but we need to slow things down a bit because I know that I need a bit more. you know, meaning to this. If we're gonna be that intimate with each other, I need to know that we're kind of going somewhere. You don't think that woman seems just as high value, doesn't she?

Yeah.

So can you see how you can still slow it down afterwards? You don't have to make up some rule like, oh, I've done this now. I've crossed a line that I can never go back from.

Yeah.

All right. So I want you to relax, take a deep breath, Zoom out, focus on what's important in life, IE you, and know that you're always in control. You never give over control, not if you don't want to. And you always have the ability to reclaim any standard you want at any time. So relax and go and have fun.

Okay, I'll just relax and just let my brain a little bit stop for a while.

Yeah, you know, give your brain a little rest. Thank you, thank you, Matthew.

It's very enlightening to speak with you.

It's been fun. I'll speak to you soon. And thank you guys for listening. listening to Love Life. So appreciate you being on the line. Now, if you said earlier, yes, Matt, I'm ready for a big life transformation now, then I want to invite you to apply for my retreat program. Now, spots are limited, but if you're accepted onto the program, I'll lead you through a series of powerful coaching sessions and enlightening exercises that will remove every barrier standing in between you and the extraordinary life you deserve. You'll walk away with a practical set of tools to achieve the career, love, balance, and fulfillment you've always wanted. To claim your spot for a phone interview with one of my expert mentors, just go to lovelifepodcast.com/retrieve. Take care and I'll speak to you soon.