“How Do I Get Him to Try Harder?”

Hey, everybody, it's Matthew Hussey here. Welcome back to the Love Life Podcast. I am recording this on my phone right now because I just found out that this episode doesn't have our normal quality of sound. Unfortunately, we had a couple of technical difficulties with my microphone that we only found out in post-production. So, I am a stickler for sound. I love good sound, so it's frustrating. rating, but the content of this episode is important. I really wanted you guys to hear it. I didn't want to pull the episode entirely because I know it's going to help some people and you might be one of them. So enjoy the episode. I hope the sound isn't too distracting and that the content makes up for it. Don't forget to send us an email podcast@matthewhussie.com once you've given the episode a listen and enjoy the episode, friends. Thanks for being here.

Guys, just some news. We have our retreat coming up September 9th to the 15th. If you want to come and spend six days with me on the beach in Florida this year, the one and only time this is happening this year, then come join us. You don't want to wait till the next time we do something like this. It's going to be a long time and your progress can't wait that long. If there are big things holding you back in your life right now, if you feel like there's more that you want to achieve, if there's more peace you want to achieve internally, if you want to find love, but there are ways that you feel you're sabotaging or holding yourself back, or there are just emotional patterns or past trauma getting in the way of you enjoying your life, this is where we do the deepest work. You can still apply at mhretreat.com Spaces are very limited at this stage, so jump on board while you can, mhretreat.com Are you trying to meet someone right now? If you are, you probably are wondering how you can actually get out there and connect with more people. Maybe you're on the apps, maybe you're not. Either way, we all could use sometimes some ways of going on autopilot, some things that we could just say, to initiate a conversation that we find attractive. So if there isn't a special someone in your life right now and you want there to be, the first step is always going to be going out there and connecting with new people. We have a brand new guide called Spark and Connect that shows you nine different ways that you can begin a new connection with someone. It's very practical, specific things you can say, you can make them your own, completely free. You can be reading it in 30 seconds. So go check that out. Lastly, before we get into the episode, if your love life is your number one priority this year, if when you sat down to make your resolutions, your number one resolution was around finding your special someone so that you can go forward in your life knowing that you are sharing your life with someone, that you are in a relationship, then the love life club is where you want to be. Many people ask me if they can have one-on-one coaching with me and I give the same answer every single time. Do more than make me your one-on-one coach for an hour, which is completely inaccessible for most people. And not to mention, I don't have any time these days to actually be able to do that because I'm spending all of my time inside the Love Life Club, working with people year round. So if you want to make me your coach, not just for an hour, but for an entire year in helping you find love, join the Love Life Club. You can find out more at www.lovelifclub.com Inside, we have masterclasses on every part of dating and love. We have live sessions every single week with either myself, my wife, Audrey Hussey, my brother, Stephen Hussey. We have experts, interviews, tools in there that can help you on your journey. There is no other year-round program for your love life that exists that can do this for you. Come find out more at www.lovelifclub.com youm can either be part of it on a month to month basis, or you can do what many people do. and just join up for the whole year in one go. I'll see you over there. So we're back.

We're back.

How are you feeling?

You know what?

Oh no.

Honest answer?

Yeah.

Honest answer? I just woke up feeling a bit meh today. And I was saying this to you, wasn't I? I was saying like, no reason. Just woke up a little bit like a little bit meh and so yeah, the reason I say this by the way. Sorry, the reason I say this because I think we should eliminate the stigma around feeling like bad and it's okay to feel bad sometimes, right?

I can't stand what's it? What do they call it? Toxic positivity.

Yeah, toxic positivity.

I don't like living in a world where we all have to just be happy all the time or fain happiness all the time.

Yeah, no, it's true. And I, yeah, also like, it's a positivity is such a wonderful and beautiful thing. And we should always try to be positive. But I think part of the human experience is sometimes just not feeling that good. And that's okay. So sorry that you, I gave you such an honest answer.

Well, not to rush in with a, you know, like, let's make you feel better. But I do actually think this episode is going to make you feel better.

Oh, I'm excited.

I feel confident that you're going to feel better by the end of this episode.

Okay.

We've been reading the podcast emails, and there is a particular email that caught my eye from Therese that I thought would be a lot of fun and would be very kind of It's going to speak to a lot of people, so we'll read that email. But first, the theme song. So, Teresa goes on to say, Even though I feel the guy I am dating and I are now exclusive, we have been long distance since we met, nearly 12 months. The biggest issue is I am pretty sure I am definitely his lowest priority. Exclusivity is the last of my concerns, I think. I have listened and read so much of your work and it has really helped keep us together for this long. Plus, I know he is trying his best and seems to really want to be the guy for me and keeps taking on board all the things I say, except I can still feel and hear myself finding it not enough. Am I impossible to please? Should I put up with his incapacity to talk about feelings or to offer reassurance when I need it, or empathy when I'm down? Do I need to accept his avoidance of making clear plans for our next catch up? I have started to feel like an obligation, all things I have expressed to him. And yes, he is busy, granted, but that just tells me that he is clearly capable of making plans with other people and things, just not me. And when I ask about our next catch up, he sends me his calendar, and so I bring it up and still through his busy lens there is very little joy in his voice. More like a groan as if I am some sort of job obligation. Okay, I'll get to it. I have some dates in my head. I just have to blah blah blah. There is always something more important, more pressing. So I'm forced to either keep my mouth shut and let him change the subject And then the next time we talk, I either hope he brings it up, or I bring it up again, or maybe I disappear and play his silent, no reply game. I feel trapped in these choices. None of them leave me feeling free or happy. I guess I have my answer. Don't. It's like he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't know what to do with me either. And I try to come up with ways to break up over the phone. but I can never bring myself to do it. He's not a bad guy. I love his dogs and knowledge for nature. But most of all, I love that he just keeps trying and keeps showing up. I keep naming my standards and boundaries of you have so expertly taught me to do so. Seriously, at 55 years old, I think this is the first time I've actually done this. It's carving a new story for me around asking for what I want and it not equaling them leaving. But maybe this is all he can offer. He is 58. And I want to be cherished more than this. To have my company sought out, valued, enjoyed, and to be able to enjoy theirs too, without being shut down or ridiculed for being a softie, or told I am giving too much or left till the last minute. Though when we're actually in each other's company, getting on with life, and orbiting around each other with daily life, we're great. So, yeah. Anyway, it's a mess. Thanks for listening. I love hearing you both laugh. And sometimes things get said on your episodes that would offend me, like the mukbang eating too much stuff thing. And I'd be totally fat shamed by it. But I just love how Audrey laughs and knows your intentions are clearly not that. RelationshipGoals. Thanks again. We'll keep reading your book and newsletter. And I joined the Love Life Club for a bit and inhaled some courses too. But plus, plus all the other things I've bought and saved in my Matthew+Audrey Dropbox folder. Keep shining, you two. I have lots to say about this.

I want to hear it.

I get the impression, Teresa, that you have always only known staying quiet or not speaking your boundaries, or you were taught that your needs don't matter, or you grew up in an environment that had you unable to have a voice in that way. And maybe you had early relationships that were exactly the same, where that was the expectation of you. So all of this is new. And as it's new, you're kind of calibrating in real time. What does it mean to have standards? What does it mean to stand up for myself? What should my expectations be? It's kind of like you know that your expectations should be higher than in the past. But you don't know yet exactly what they should be or what's too much. And there's still a sense of being in a situation where you are worried that you're asking too much, even though to me there are some really glaring red flags about this situation. Let's run through a few of them. I mean, you said, I'm pretty sure I am definitely his lowest priority. and you said exclusivity is the last of my concerns, which I take to mean that you're not even nearly at the stage of being asked for, being able to ask for exclusivity because even the most basic needs aren't met. You don't feel important, you don't feel this person shows up for you, you don't feel they ever make a plan around you.

I think rewinding back even a little bit earlier than that, Theresa said something like, I'm pretty sure we are exclusive or something like that.

She says, Even though I feel the guy I am dating and I are now exclusive, we have been long distance since we met nearly 12 months. The biggest issue is I am pretty sure I am definitely his lowest priority. Exclusivity is the last of my concerns, I think.

Yeah, so it sounds like The assumption that they're exclusive maybe stems from the fact that they've been dating for 12 months rather than a conversation has been had.

Yeah, which is really dangerous.

Yeah, for sure.

But it certainly seems like she doesn't even feel like she could bring that up. Like, I'm not even able to agree to when we're gonna see each other next, let alone.

When you're made to feel like you're not someone's priority, you're kind of always fighting for an equilibrium and a place from which you can then bring up things like exclusivity. And if somebody never makes you feel safe, then you never feel like you've reached that place where you can even have that conversation.

Yeah.

Which is what a lot of people do, actually, to try and keep you in that non-committal kind of, you know, like, in between limbo stages. They kind of just. They never let you feel safe or close enough that you actually feel like you can have that conversation. You're always fighting to kind of get to that place. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I think it's a really big, it's a really used kind of tactic by people is to make you feel like you're walking on eggshells so that then you feel like you can't even have the conversations that need to be had. And she says, Am I impossible to please? You know, that's to me, that's history combined with, it's a history of feeling like your needs don't matter, combined with a person in the present who is reinforcing that idea and making sure that you feel just uncomfortable enough in mentioning things that you you don't feel like they're the one who's not giving you enough, you feel like you're impossible to please.

It breaks my heart actually to hear that because I think it's so difficult to discern where you're being too demanding and where somebody's not meeting your needs. I think that's a very difficult thing to kind of get to the bottom of. And I think that like even in a healthy relationship you can sometimes feel like I can't tell this is whether this is my fault or whether this person isn't meeting my needs. And if you're in an unhealthy relationship, that's even more the case because it just makes you feel crazy. And, you know, Teresa, if you're listening, I just want to say, like, nothing that you've mentioned in this email is you being impossible to please. I think that from the sounds of it, you're asking for his time and his energy and his attention, which is perfectly normal, reasonable, and kind of required actually to have a long distance relationship or any form of relationship. So I don't think you're the problem. I think the problem comes from this person's inability to meet your needs rather than you being too needy.

Yeah.

Whether that inability to meet your need is sincere or whether he's just pretending to even try to meet your needs, it almost is irrelevant. You say, Therese, I know he is trying his best and he seems to really want to be the guy for me. It's kind of irrelevant. Someone saying, I want to be the guy for you. What's relevant is whether they can do the job.

Yeah.

And we have to stop in our love lives giving people the role if they're not capable of doing the job. I don't know whether he's sincere. To be honest, he strikes me as insincere. But even if he was sincere in his effort to be the guy for you, what's relevant is not that he wants to be that. What's relevant is can he do the job. You say, Therese, should I put up with his incapacity to talk about feelings? Okay, well, that's a problem, especially if you're someone who's communicative. If he cannot talk about his feelings, that's going to be difficult, right? That doesn't mean you cannot have a relationship with that person. But if someone can't talk about their feelings, can they talk about the fact that they aren't good at talking about their feelings? And do they show a desire to get better at that? And is there evidence of the fact that they're actually trying to get better at that? You know, all of that is just a little world on its own that, by the way, could be relationship ending because it's really hard if you're someone who can talk about feelings to be with someone who cannot. So all of that on its own is something that could spell the end of a relationship. You say he can't, he doesn't offer you reassurance when you need it or empathy when you're down. So there's two other big strikes.

That'S horrible. That's really, that's really shitty.

And if we stopped there, that would be a challenge. A massive challenge, to say the least. But then, Theresa, you say, do I need to accept his avoidance of making clear plans for our next catch up? Right? So you go on to say he's so busy that he, when you ask to see him, he shows you his calendar as if to say, Can't you see this calendar? I have no time.

Right?

Well, that on its own, even if he was the most empathetic person in the world, even if he was a great communicator, great at talking about his feelings, if that was the only issue, and you said he just never has the time to see me and he makes me feel like an obligation anytime I'm trying to see him, that on its own is a huge problem for a relationship is someone deciding not to prioritize you in their day, their week, their month. You know, our friend Jesse Itzler, who, you know, is a wildly successful entrepreneur, has, you know, started Zico coconut water and sold it, started Marquis Jets and sold it, You know, we're talking about someone that's worth hundreds of millions of dollars and is a serial entrepreneur. His philosophy for his life is I plan my life before I plan my work. That is his overriding philosophy is I take out a calendar, I plan all my trips with my family for my year, I plan the weekends with my kids. I plan the date night with Sarah, my wife. His wife is Sarah Blakely who owns Spanx or did own Spanx. I think she sold it. He said, I plan all of these things before I plan my work. My work gets planned around my life because he's all about building his life resume. He's about getting time with his kids. while they're still kids. He's about getting time with his relatives while they're still around. He that is his obsession. Jesse is one of the busiest people I've ever met. But the way he lives his life is a reflection of his priorities. And we have to stop giving people a pass for being busy. When I see this man or I think about this man, Therese, I don't just see a busy man. I see a man who has made very clear what his priorities are in life. And you should listen to that. Your problem, Therese, is not that you can't handle being with a busy person. Your problem is that you are with a person who does not prioritize his intimate connection, his relationship at all. And there are many, many highly successful, busy people and not just highly successful people, people on the way up, people trying to be successful, who still manage to prioritize other aspects of their life that are important to them. Don't focus on the busyness, focus on the hierarchy. Focus on the prioritization. What does it say about the person and what they value in life? Someone can be busy raising five kids. But if they spend most of their time raising their kids, you know what their priorities are.

Yeah.

There's a hundred different ways to be busy. Busy doesn't tell you what someone's priorities are. How they choose to be busy is what tells you what someone's priorities are. And you are clearly not a priority to this person. Let's add that to the list along with, he can't talk about his feelings, he doesn't offer you reassurance when you need it, he has no empathy when you're down. These are your words, not mine. You said there is always something more important, more pressing. You should listen to that. You should listen to the fact that you feel forced to either keep your mouth shut or disappear and play his game of the silent no reply game. Okay, so now there's a whole other third thing, which is the silent treatment that he gives you. So now it's not, there's not even kindness in the way that he deals with this. He just disappears and goes silent on you. So we have a whole other thing.

You know, and I, I'm reluctant to say this in a way because I don't want to hurt Teresa's feelings with it. But to me, it sounds a little bit like there is his life that he, to your point, he prioritizes. And then whatever he gets from her in the form of attention, validation, like comfort, whatever it might be, he then dips into as and when he pleases. and that's the role that that relationship is serving for him. I don't know the guy, but that's how it feels to me when I listen to that story. It's like if she voices a need for reassurance or for anything, he's like just nowhere to be found. If she wants to see him and he's busy, he doesn't make the time. But he doesn't let her go either, because there's some convenience in having somebody there who is wonderful to you and cares about you and checks in on you and is there if you're having a bad day or whatever it might be. You can get that kind of connection piece met without any of the strings attached. And it's probably no coincidence that the long distance has probably kept this alive far longer than it would have if you were actually in the same city and he was having to show up. and couldn't hide behind the distance. And the only reason I say this is because I would hate for you, Therese, to blame yourself and feel like you're going crazy trying to understand why this person is behaving in a certain way. Sometimes, you know, whether or not they're a good or a bad person is neither here nor there, but sometimes there is a level of kind of being treated like a. An option, a commodity versus a priority. And, you know, none of us should settle for that.

I think it can be helpful to imagine something else that a person might do in their life that falls into this kind of category that you're talking about Audrey, which to me is like video games. Okay, if someone continue, let's say he likes video games. He can choose when to go and engage with video games. He can work a week, pay no attention to them, and then Friday evening comes around and he's like, oh, I've got a minute. I got a couple of hours, let me go play this game. And he enjoys playing the game. It gives him something, gives him dopamine, it gives him satisfaction, it gives him some reward. So he enjoys playing it while he's playing it, but then he puts it down and when he puts it down, he gets on with the rest of his life. And that relationship works because the game asks nothing of him when he's not playing it. He can just go and play that game on his terms when he wants. And Therese, you have to start looking at it like you're his video game. Like, no needs. You are there for his enjoyment. You are there for his satisfaction. You're there for his entertainment or reassurance in the case of a relationship or company. Company, empathy, all the things you give him. But this doesn't not work because you have the wrong needs or because your needs are too excessive. or too demanding. This doesn't work because you have needs.

And.

For him, any needs that you have are too many because you're the video game. You're not supposed to have needs.

That really like hit me. That hit me right there.

We're going to continue to unpack this and I have a model that I want to give everyone to go away with from this episode before we do a word from our sponsors. Hello, it's me again. We have no sponsors. It's just Matthew Hussie. Every Friday, I send out a private email to everyone who is on my mailing list, the three relationships. This is an email that I take a significant amount of time to write each week. I really found that during the book writing process, I enjoyed sitting there and crafting something that I knew would be both entertaining and helpful to people. And I know that the book Love Life has resonated with so many of you. And it's been really beautiful to see how many of you have really enjoyed my style of writing. If you have enjoyed that and you're like, I finished the book already. I like, you know that feeling you get when you get to the end of a season of some TV show and you're like, so what are they making season two? And you wish that there was season two was available right now, but, you know, it's not going to be available for, like, two years. Well, the nice thing about this is if you got to the end of Love Life, my new book, and you want the next book already? Well, I'm literally writing to you new material every single week, so you're never more than seven days away from getting a new piece of writing from me. You can sign up to this. It's completely free at thethreerelationships.com that's the three, the number three. relationships.com. check it out. It's super valuable. People are really enjoying it. I now get hundreds of emails back every single week from people reading this. There's many, many, many thousands of hundreds of thousands of people who receive this, but I'm literally getting hundreds of personal emails every week from people who are reading it and enjoying it. And I'm reading all of the responses, even if I can't reply to all of them. So check it out at www.thethreeRelationships.com, sign up and I will deliver my next email direct to your inbox this Friday. Quick note as well for anyone who has not taken our free masterclass dating with results. This is our most popular free masterclass of all time at this point. We have had over 1 million people who have now watched dating with results. It is for anyone who is struggling to navigate modern dating. For anyone who is sick and tired of situationships, flaky people, time wasters, people who just want to use you and then drop you for the next person. Strange people that you meet through dating apps that you're like, Really? This is what's on offer today? this is what I'm up against for anyone who is serious about getting out of the dating swamp and finding real and lasting love with a great human being. Dating with results is the foundation of starting a productive path in your love life. Go to datingwithresults.com to get it for free right now. You can literally be watching it minutes from now. And don't forget to let us know what you think. Podcast@matthewhussie.com Imagine that in any relationship with someone, with another human being, there are three things that can change. There's your standards, their behavior or the status of the relationship itself. Any of those three can change at any time. Your standards, their behavior or the status of the relationship. Your standards are the behaviors you're willing to accept from someone. Their behavior relates to how they treat you. and the status of the relationship is about whether you choose to be with them or not, or in the case of friendships or family, the degree to which you choose to have that person in your life or close to you. Because whereas in romantic relationships, it tends to be more you're either in or you're out. In other kinds of relationships, there might be degrees of closeness that you accept. Now, if any one of those three can change, you have to decide which one is going to change. In Therese's situation, she has tried to change her standards from what they used to be by raising them because his behaviour is not working for her. she tried to say, here's what I want. And he's basically made her afraid to say anything, afraid to speak up, feel like she's asking too much. She's an inconvenience. She's an obligation so that his behavior can remain the same.

Right.

Because when someone doesn't want to change their behavior, what they'll try to do is shame you for your standards.

Yeah.

And that's exactly what he's done. Now, what Therese has shown is that she is not willing to change the status of the relationship. She's not willing to go from this long distance situation, because is it a relationship? It doesn't sound like they're exclusive to me. It sounds like She has assumed that they're exclusive even though they've never had the conversation. But let's just call it a relationship. This relationship is one that she does not want to let go of. But his behavior also isn't changing. So which one of the three has to change? Her standards. Because if the behavior won't change and you're unwilling to change the status of the relationship, then your standards have to change. Okay? One of the three has to be pliable.

But it sounds like Therese would say to that, I have changed my standards, right?

In theory, but not in reality. Therese has started to understand the concept of standards. is starting to connect with the idea that maybe she should want more. But in reality, she is not demanding more because if she was and his behavior didn't change, which it's not, the status of the relationship would have to change. When someone realizes that your standards are malleable, then their behavior will not be. Their behavior will remain the same. It's like if you break up with someone and they keep coming back to.

You.

You are never going to be scared. because you realize they keep bouncing back anyway. So you realize my behavior towards them never has to change because they don't actually have standards. I broke up with them, and yet they're still staying in contact with me. They keep coming back to me. They keep reaching out. They. We keep hooking up. So in a sense, I'm learning, oh, I don't even. I don't have to change anything.

Because.

Their standards are pliable. I can change them. In any situation, one of these three things can change. We have to decide which one it is. Now, there may be some areas of relationships where their behavior doesn't change. and we don't want to lose the relationship, but the behavior that we don't like is not actually that bad. It's not even that important. And so our standard around that thing changes. We say, screw it, it's not a big deal. I can live with that one. So in that case, our standard does change and sometimes for the better. Sometimes that allows us to have a harmonious relationship because we say there are things that are worth caring about and things that are not worth caring about. But what we have to ask is, can my standards change in this area? And I keep the relationship status the same, i.e. We stay together and I remain happy or I'd be happy. And the answer in Teresa's case, I would say, is categorically no. The areas of his behaviour that he's unwilling to bend on are areas that are going to cause you misery for a lifetime.

So what should she do? Because I'm assuming the reason she hasn't said, these are my standards and this is what I expect, is that she's.

Afraid that- She's unwilling to change number three.

Exactly. So what?

The status of the relationship.

I understand why she feels trapped.

She feels trapped because of the rules that she's set up. If we become willing and capable of changing a different variable than the ones we've tried to change in the past, all of a sudden our options open up again. She's unwilling to have hard conversations because she's trying to keep number three the same. The relationship. So his behavior is not changing. That's the one thing that's not budging.

Right?

And because of that, her standards are having to change. That's the, by the way, what's proven in everything that Teresa has said is that's the one thing that she is willing to change is her standards.

Yeah.

He's not willing to change his behavior. She's not willing to change the status of the relationship. but she is willing to change her standards.

So what should she do?

Become willing to change the status of the relationship.

That's so hard, though. Like, I agree with you, but that's so hard in practice when you're attached and invested and, you know, you love someone and it's hard.

Yes.

How do you generate a big enough why that you can actually be brave enough to risk it all? Whether that's through changing your standards and therefore pushing them away or whether that's through just saying, I'm not putting up with this anymore. Which is kind of the same thing. How do you get yourself there? If you haven't been able to get yourself there in a year?

That is a giant question. It's a giant, like, that's a six-day retreat question.

Yeah.

Because it's in part connecting to what the much bigger thing that we're going to lose if we stay.

Right?

And that's those answers are personal.

Yeah.

But there are always much bigger things that we'll lose if we stay than what we gain if we stay. And whatever is our fear is going to happen when we if we leave is like certainly in Teresa's case, the fear of what happens if she lets go. is the actual reality of that is nothing compared to what she should be afraid of if she stays. But right now, Therese isn't connecting to that pain. She's only connected to the pain that's right in front of her face.

I think she's in survival mode as well. I think she's trying to live day by day. The goal every single day is to try and feel safe and closer to this person because they don't make her feel safe and close. and she's almost a good day is a day where that happened or she got closer to that. And because she's living day by day in that kind of a way, she doesn't have time or space to be thinking about everything else.

And so that brings us nicely onto another big feature of that fear. and where it's coming from, which is trying to derive a sense of safety from something that is inherently unsafe. And that is a game that she will never win. That she's, you, Therese, right now, you are literally playing an unwinnable game. you are not crazy. There is nothing wrong with you. You might have some trauma from the past or you might have some wiring in your body that predisposes you to this kind of dynamic that that can shift.

We all have something.

We all have that in one form or another. But what you're feeling, the anxiety you're feeling, the fear that you're feeling, the way this is monopolizing your energy and your thoughts, you're not crazy. Those are appropriate things to feel when you're playing an unwinnable game, which is I am trying to derive a sense of safety and security and comfort from a situation that is fundamentally unsafe. And for as long as you do that, you're going to feel like this. So the why, as you put it, Audrey, is that there has to be a greater sense of you have to become more afraid of something else. You're afraid to lose this person. What are you more afraid of? and you have to have a really good answer to that.

Yeah.

And the second part of it is we have to get out of survival mode. We have to start realizing why we're in survival mode in the first place. It's because we are trying to derive safety in an unsafe situation. And therefore, because that's unwinnable, this relationship has now become a chronic stressor in your life. And you're now trying to figure out how to lower your chronic stress, thinking that if I could just get them to give me a little more, if I could just get them to make a plan with me, if I could just get them to show me some empathy or some love, then I wouldn't be so stressed about this. Not realizing that the game you're playing in even being in relationship to this person, not with the game you're playing at trying to be in relationship to this person is a form of chronic that is the source of your chronic stress. And that will change when you start saying, my certainty, my safety has to come from something that actually is fundamentally secure, that is fundamentally safe. And we can take a whole other episode to talk about that. But if you want to do that work with us, by the way, that is what we're doing in September on the retreat. If you want to transform your confidence, pick a new Target for your certainty and lean into that and pick a Target that actually is safe. and we will show you how to do that in September, mhretreat.com I wasn't even planning on saying it here but just for anyone who wants to do that work on the deepest level with us, mhretreat.com is where you will find that program this year in September if you want to join us.

You literally have said so many mic drop things, there were like five mics on the floor right now. You've said so many things in this episode that I think are going to be so valuable to so many people.

Well, thank you, Audrey. And tell us, you know, tell us what resonated with you. Podcast@matthewhussie.com the reason this email ended up on this episode was because someone sent us an email podcast@matthewhussie.com you can do the same, send us an email, even if it's just a couple of lines about what the podcast means to you. It also energizes us to read these emails because we know that there are real people out there. It's not just numbers on a screen. for how many, you know, listener downloads we get per episode. We know that there are real people out there listening. I also think, by the way, it would be really fun to play a couple of like answer phone messages.

Voice notes.

Yeah, like yeah, practically speaking, they're going to be voice notes, but I want to almost play them as if like someone's left an answer phone message for us. Just telling us what the show means to you or, you know, it could be a question if it's not too long, if if it's like 20 to 30 seconds or less, it could be just telling us something you liked on the podcast recently, but leave us a little message. You can literally do a voice memo on your phone and send it to podcast@matthewhussie.com and thank you so much, Therese.

For sending in your question, for being vulnerable and open and Honest. I think it was very honest the way that you wrote it. So thank you, thank you. And we hope that this was helpful for you in your situation.

And we're glad we make you laugh. You sound like such a fun person. I hope we get to meet in one of our events sometime. Hopefully not too far from now, we'll end up doing another event in Australia, because Australia has been, some of our favorite events have been in Australia. The crowds there are incredible. I love spending time with you guys over there. So, Yeah, shout out to Therese and everyone in Australia who is listening. By the way, public service announcement for every Love Life member out there right now. We have live events coming to the cities of London in July, Los Angeles in October, and New York in December. If you are one of our Love Life members, you can come to those events. If you're not a Love Life member, you can still become a Love Life member so that you can attend those events. these are going to be very intimate. I mean, the kind of events we don't even do these days anymore, like a hundred people. So come join us. You can go to lovelifclub.com if you want to become a member. You won't just get access to these events. Of course, you'll also get access to master classes and experts and live sessions with me every month, including live sessions with my brother, Stephen, Audrey. and a whole suite of other tools that can help you in your love life this year. Go to lovlifeclub.com to become a member and for all existing members don't forget to register for one of our live in-person meetups this year. Thanks everyone, be well and love life.