“How Soon Can I Ask for Exclusivity?”

I think there are, you know, very sinister manipulators out there. And then I think there are very unconscious people who run around doing a lot of damage because they're just looking for a thrill. But they but they really have they don't have the emotional maturity or the discipline or the ability to truly open up to a relationship. Before we get into the episode today, many of you don't know that every Friday I am writing a private email to my mailing list that is, dare I say, quite good. I mean, I put a lot of effort into it. It contains private writings that I don't put anywhere else, philosophies, strategies, all things that can help you with the three relationships that control the quality of all of our lives, our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with other people, and our relationship with life itself. The email that I send out every week is called the Three Relationships, and I've been getting an enormous response to it from the people receiving it. So sign up at thethreerelationships.com and you will get my email straight to your inbox this Friday. Well, welcome, everybody, to the Love Life Podcast. I'm here with Audrey.

Hello.

And we thought we would cover the subject today of how early to ask someone if they are seeing someone else. There was a question we had in from one of our Love Life members. and you answered this beautifully on your coaching session with all of our Love Life members. And I thought we could kind of talk about parts of your answer today. This member of ours said, Can I ask someone if they're seeing someone else after being on only two dates with them?

So.

Where does this instinct come from? Two dates in to want to ask someone if they're seeing someone else at that stage. It's a very common and it's very human instinct, especially if two dates in we've decided we like someone and they're attractive, they're what we've been looking for, we're starting to feel something already, we've done a lot of imagining between the dates about what it could be. And we're now thinking, I don't want them to be anyone else's. I just want them to be mine.

Now.

What's do you, I know your take on this is similar to mine, which is that this is actually an instinct we have to be really careful of at this stage.

It's right. It's so common because we've decided we like someone and we think if they carry on dating other people, well, first of all, it's, you know, they might meet somebody that they like more. We might lose them. They might slip through our fingers. Right. That's the feeling. That's the kind of where it comes from. It's like, oh my god, no, I need to make sure that they don't get subjected to anyone else now and they just focus on me otherwise, you know, I'm gonna lose them. So I think that's where the instinct comes from. But to your point, you know, there's a lot of story, a lot of future projection that isn't necessarily founded in any facts that we have at this stage. You know, how well do you really know someone after two dates? Even if the dates were amazing, How well do you really know someone?

Yeah. Well, that's the thing we forget. That's where we don't realize how much projection is going on. Because we really don't know someone at that stage. We don't know if by date four we're gonna be uninterested in them.

Yeah, you really are meeting someone's representative in the early stages. I mean, look, you only have to think about, I don't know if you agree with this, but I think to myself, like, you know, who I was on our second date is so different to who I am actually, and really, and behind closed doors, because... You ordered.

Cheesy pasta and didn't eat any of it, and I've seen you really put away a lot of cheesy pasta in our relationship. So that was a lie. I've seen what you can do. I just see you know, like those, what are those videos? I think they're called mukbang videos. Are they Korean? Are they Korean?

What is this thing you're about to compare me to?

Like Korean mukbang videos where the whole thing is that they, is it that they eat a lot of food in one sitting and you just sort of watch them eat a lot of food? And often it's quite, tell me if I'm wrong, I don't know why, David, I'm looking at you like you're the expert on mukbang videos.

I won't take a bet. I won't take a bet.

I didn't know he knew what they were, but my instinct was that he did and he does seem to have the answers. You know, the videos you watch, people eating a lot of food in one sitting. And I, you know, that's sort of in a way, anytime we like order, you know, Postmates, like, you know, Italian food and get a bunch of cheesy pasta, that's what it's like watching you.

Can't believe you just shamed me for eating.

I didn't shame you. A lot of people really enjoy mukbang videos. Have you seen them? They've got millions of views. Yeah, very popular. Still looking at David. Anyway, my point is that on the second date, you were a liar.

Oh my God. Yeah, I deceived you.

No, you were nervous and you said you struggled to finish your food.

But you know, that's actually my point. You are nervous. or you're guarded, or you're not necessarily being vulnerable enough to, you know, kind of, you might not be nervous, but you might be just putting on a bit of a show on day two. I just think that, like, you're not at all the person that you're going to be on week two or month two or year two. You're just, you're just a completely different person. So I do think that that kind of instinct to lock someone down really does come down to this feeling that, you know, a lot of us have in dating, which is like, oh, I have this amazing connection and chemistry with this person, and that connection and chemistry is the rarest thing in the world. And it must mean something. That feeling on its own is not in any way, you know, sustainable for a long-term relationship.

The challenge is even harder for a lot of people once they've been physically intimate. And for some people, that happens really soon, right? You go home with someone on the first night, or the second night, and immediately there's this sense of, oh, my God, now I want this to be a thing. It has to be a thing. I want to make sure they're not doing this with anybody else. And that introduces a whole other set of complications into the mix.

I want to talk about this idea of connection. I've been guilty of this, and we definitely hear from so many people all the time the reason they justify Dating somebody and continuing to invest in somebody who's not reinvesting in them, not treating them well, not necessarily making them feel like a priority is because they say, you know, we have such a great connection. We went on this date and we just had, we were laughing the whole time. We're like best friends. We just have this great connection. And when we're together, it's like, this. I don't know how you explain it. It's like almost like this, like, you know, lightning in a bottle, I suppose. And it's really, really hard when you feel that to not think that that is worth so much. But what do you think about that? How do you actually reconcile? Because ultimately, if somebody is feeling that way, you will assume that the other person is feeling that way. So then the next assumption you make is, Therefore, they must want the same things as me from this situation.

They've come to the same conclusion that you have about how important this is and what it should mean for the two of you.

Yeah, kinda. We have a great look at all these great dates that we've had, great connection. We would be so good together. If only they would text me back and not leave me on read for five days.

So there was a It's funny you ask this because there was an email that came in podcast@matthewhussie.com if you want to email us. But this email came in that I think is related to what you're saying in an interesting way. So she says, hi Matthew, this is a few months late, but I am commenting, I'm writing to you because I have an interesting situation pertaining to the topic of the episode called Right Person, Wrong Time. Do you remember that one?

I do.

It must have been a couple of months ago now. She says, I met this guy back in February in Salt Lake at a birthday party. We instantly hit it off. Unfortunately, he is not currently living in Salt Lake. We hung out before he left and mutually were shocked at how easy it felt between us and agreed We'd both never felt so strongly, so quickly for someone. We've kept in contact over the months and hung out a few times when our paths have crossed. I'm currently finishing schooling and want to leave Utah. I am conflicted because the line of work I am going into doesn't require a job offer, but is private practice and clientele building, so I can create income anywhere. the subtext being she could be wherever she wants.

Yeah.

My feelings for this guy are so strong, the slightly delusional story I'm telling myself is I should move to where he's at and figure it out with him because the idea of him still plagues my thoughts and feels like this frozen ambition, like you said. That's a reference to the podcast for anyone who doesn't know. Go back and listen to the podcast. Do you think I should talk to him about the option of choosing the same home base and figuring it out or just living my life outside of the idea of him and finding someone else wherever I end up, even if it happens to be close to where he lives.

So.

The reason I read this email is I was already thinking we should bring this email up today. I know you haven't seen this email yet, but when I read it, I had to reread it because I was looking for the moment that maybe I missed on first reading where she talked about how they had really been pursuing each other since. But I didn't see that part. What I saw was the initial connection you were talking about of, oh my God, it feels so easy. It feels so natural. This is shocking. But then she says, we kept in contact over the months and hung out a few times when our paths have crossed. That is the part that concerns me. It's that you've got two people who apparently had this show-stopping connection. And then it was like, and then in the months that followed, we kept in touch. We called each other every day and spent two hours on the phone every night and saw each other when our paths crossed. Not we've been flying to see each other every single month on weekends and spending our savings traveling to be with each other because we just can't be without each other. And had she said all of that and then said at the end of the email, And so, therefore, after six months of this back and forth, I'm considering whether with this very geographically neutral career I have, I should move to where he is so we can give this a proper try. Do you think that's me making too big of a sacrifice for him? That would be a question that would be interesting. But instead we're talking about that not having happened, the interaction seeming to be very casual and just a matter of when it's convenient in between, and now her deciding this big life decision based on this hope that what has been a very casual dynamic turning into something very serious. And I'm not seeing the progression of stages in between that would justify that decision. So what I see here is a kind of geographically difficult decision that actually is quite symbolic of what happens in our heads even when we live in the same place as someone. where there's no decision to be made about moving, but we do up level very quickly in what we think this thing should be or our intentions for something before there's been any real organic graduation to that point.

It's almost like the momentum hasn't happened because she's asking herself, you know, should I make this decision in order to get proximity to this person and for it to maybe happen? It's not like, we have been saying that we hate that we don't live in the same place. It's not we, it's I. And like, we, you know, that decision is not something that they're coming to together, which I think is the biggest telltale sign that it's probably not the right decision to make, basing, you know, your geography on, on, on this man.

Well, if, if, like, again, this is the language she used, not me. When our paths have crossed, that's when they've seen each other.

Doesn't sound very intentional.

As in no one really went out of their way. And when I look at that, I go, why would you move your life for someone who currently has not booked a plane?

Because of the connection, which is why I asked you. We need to know. Everybody listening needs to know why Because I actually get it. I understand the feeling that she's feeling, which is like, we have such a great connection, and I would make these sacrifices. I would like to be together. I think we could be great. I see it as being this wonderful thing. How can you have such a strong connection with someone and it not mean anything to them?

I think that we have to understand that we're coming to the table with different levels of intentionality. We're coming to the table with different levels, with different beliefs about relationships or whether we even want one. You could not want a relationship and have amazing connections with people.

But doesn't an amazing connection make you want a relationship?

Well.

They'Re such different things.

What do you mean? In what way are they different?

A relationship requires discipline. It requires a sense of, I don't know, structure, a vision showing up. It's like... To me, it's almost like this is a bad example or analogy, but it's kind of like thinking that someone going to... Someone enjoying a trip to Disney World is the same as someone wanting to build a business.

What do you mean?

Like, the relationship is building a business. The trip to Disney World is just pure, like, fun. It doesn't require any discipline. It doesn't require any, it doesn't really require any effort. You just have to show up and have fun. Building a business can be like a really amazing journey. But it's hard and it takes effort and you have to be intentional about putting investment into it.

I mean, I'm slightly hurt that you don't feel like our relationship is like.

Disney World the whole time.

Disney World the whole time. But I take your point. It's very interesting. I never thought of it like that.

It's a very different thing. It's, you know, there are people who go out on a weekend and take MDMA, and all night they're running up to people having amazing connections, especially if the other person's on MDMA too. They're like, oh, my God, why do I feel like this is an amazing moment? It feels like, you know, like they're feeling all of those things. The emotions they're feeling aren't fake. They are feeling real emotions. But what's your money on whether those two people are gonna be friends a year from now? I wouldn't put my savings on it because what they're experiencing is this kind of chemical high and it feels really good in that moment for people. And that's creating this feeling of connection. And two people can go on a date Feeling an amazing connection with someone is a great feeling. And it's a great, it's kind of, what we have to, I think, get our heads around is it's a great feeling that is kind of agnostic to relationships or whether you want them or not. It's just a great feeling. so there's, there are, people want to go out and feel a connection. I think there is a bias towards connection, actually, because we want to go out and feel a connection. So we are kind of like, you know, when you show up to a magician, like, and you want to be fooled because it's part of the fun, like, you, you want to have the moment where they pull the card out and you, it was your card, and you go, oh, my. God, that was so crazy. Wow. You want that moment. You don't go to see a magic show to know everything.

Or like if you go on a roller coaster and you like scream because it makes it more fun. Yeah. Because you want to be thrilled.

Yeah.

So we are part of the show when we go on a date and they're part of the show and everyone wants to feel something. No one goes on a date not wanting to feel something. And even the people that don't want a relationship still go on a date wanting to feel something. I think we have to be aware of these biases that make us and other people go on a date wanting to feel something. Now, that doesn't mean that, you know, you listening to this aren't going on with the genuine intention of, yes, I want to feel something, and if I feel something, I want to turn that into something. That's a sign of your intentionality. But there are plenty of people out there who just want to feel something. And it doesn't mean that they want to create something. It doesn't mean they want to put in the effort to build something. Wanting to feel something is not the same as wanting to build something. And connection is in some ways, it's quite cheap. you know, it's, it's easy to go. I'm not saying it means nothing. You, you can have a feeling with someone that's awesome and lasts for a night. You know, in, you, you can, who hasn't had a moment? You and I, we went to the wine region, Los Olivos in California, and we went to a wine tasting room, and there was a guy there running one of the small wine tasting rooms, and we had an awesome two hours sitting with this guy drinking their wine and chatting with him. And that was an amazing couple of hours. It's not like, well, I certainly am not still in touch with the guy. Now I'm not so sure about you, but it's, it was, it was for that moment and. And there are plenty of dates like that where I maybe wouldn't be as romantic about them. I get to be really romantic about that person because I wasn't looking for something long term. It got to exist just as what it was. But I think when we go on dates, in a weird way, we have to be a bit less romantic about those moments.

If that's the case, then are you saying that all these people who are like, this is a great connection, but ultimately I don't want anything more serious with you, which is just like majority of people in dating today, are you saying that all those people have zero intentionality for a relationship, which is why they're just enjoying that connection? Or are you saying that sometimes you feel a connection, but you don't see yourself being in a long-term relationship with the person in front of you? So then you switch from, you know, relationship prospect to just enjoying the evening for what it is, the person for who they are in that moment, knowing that deep down you're not gonna have any real intention with them.

I think that can happen. And that can actually be from their side, a kind of unavailability that there's a level of perfectionism that exists in their head that they are chasing. and while they've maybe even authentically gotten carried away with the connection they feel tonight, they aren't really allowing themselves to truly run with that because there's a perfectionism underneath it all that says, Yes, but they don't quite have this, or Yes, but they don't quite look like the person that I thought I'd be with, or, yes, but they're not as tall as I thought they'd be, or I wanted them to be, or they don't have the figure I thought, or they, you know, aren't quite the age I was looking for. You know, it's like it could be a thousand reasons. And, and, and actually in, in a, it feels personal. It's really not. It's based on their very specific blueprint that they've told themselves for what they want. And I think a lot of people. they get this sense of feeling at home with someone, but they are too wrapped up in some perfect ideal of what they think they're looking for to really be present with that feeling in front of them. What's up, everybody? Sorry to interrupt my own video. I just wanted to let you know that We only have 35 spaces left for my live retreat in Florida this September from the 9th to the 15th. If you want to spend six days with me getting to know more about your story, helping you through some of the deepest things that you want to work on, this is the place we do it. It's only happening once this year and this is your chance to get on board. So go to mhretreat.com, grab one of those 35 places before they're gone. and I hope I will get to see you there. Back to the video.

So.

They enjoy it for what it is, but then I think people go back to that perfectionist mindset. That's just one avenue. Another archetype is they really enjoy the drama of that. they know it makes dates more fun to amp it up by having all these things in common. Even that doesn't mean everyone who does that is like a love bomber by the kind of most Sinister standards of what love bombing is. Someone who sets out to manipulate you into this sort of pliable version of yourself that they can then, you know, take advantage of and then ditch at the first hurdle. I think there's.

But sorry to interrupt, but I will say this. I think it's very important. No, they're not a love bomber, but I also think like it's not cool. And I think that there are many, many people who don't do that.

Well, I think it's a form of love bombing. I don't want to say it's not love bombing. It's a form of love bombing. But what I'm saying is I think that there is very conscious love bombing that happens. And I think there's less conscious love bombing that happens. And I think there are, you know, very sinister manipulators out there. And then I think there are very unconscious people who run around doing a lot of damage because they're just looking for a thrill and they're looking to have these fun romantic dramas. But they really have, they don't have the emotional maturity or the discipline or the ability to truly open up to a relationship, to follow through. And this is a really important point. that we should talk about. When someone really hypes the connection we have right now in this moment, when we don't really know each other.

It.

Is inherently a kind of idealism that we've created around each other. It kind of, what a real relationship is, is those moments where we get to know each other and the real us with our cracks, our flaws, our vulnerabilities. And we sign up for that. And we really get to know that person in that way. And a lot of the early connection drama, I want to call it, because it does feel like a kind of drama that's playing out. Oh, my God. I don't mean drama in the negative sense at that point. I just mean drama. Like, I've never felt this way before, and it's amazing. And, oh, my God, this person, we have so much in common. And you've, like, all of that is a kind of drama. The more heightened that is, in a way that it's more likely to be heightened with someone who enjoys the frothiness of those first phases, but can't, isn't actually open to getting to know a real person and understanding their flaws and making space for all of the things that they actually are. or even making space for all of the things that they actually are. You know, I think I've, you know, quoted this before that, that moment in Goodwill Hunting where, you know, Matt Damon's character is saying he doesn't want to get to know her better because if he gets to know her better, then he can, he'll realize that she's not perfect. You know, he says that to Robin Williams character who plays a psychologist and he says, what's, you know, I get to know her better so that I can find out she's not perfect. And, and Robin Williams says to him, well, maybe you're perfect right now, and that's what you don't want to give up. In other words, Matt Damon kind of, he gets to play this cool, intelligent, charming guy right now. He doesn't actually get he doesn't have to be known for any of his demons and the things that bring him shame and the things he thinks make him unlovable. So he gets to exist in this very early space that is inherently kind of superficial and frothy and exciting and dramatic and heroic, but never exist past that point in the land of reality and vulnerability. And so it's not in that moment where you feel that you have this incredible connection with someone. It's not just that they don't really know you yet. It's that they aren't even necessarily allowing themselves to be known yet. And the really emotionally unavailable people can actually be incredibly alluring in the first connection because they're always existing in that space where we all get to play heroes.

And it's easy to be attractive and charming and cool and confident when you have zero skin in the game, right? When you're feeling like, I'm not invested in this. I just get to project out the person that I want to be.

It's also quite easy to connect in ways that feel deep, but not actually as deep as you think, if you know what I mean. Like, you and I both love Studio Ghibli movies. This is a series of Japanese animated movies by director Hayao Miyazaki. Fun fact actually, the month before we.

Met, we both went to a Halloween party dressed, you were in Japan, dressed as a... Were you dressed as a character from Studio Ghibli? No, I was dressed as a Super Saiyan. Oh!

From Dragon Ball Z. I was gonna.

Say, that's not as exciting because I was dressed as...

Still Japanese.

That's true.

Yeah. But you were dressed as Princess Mononoke.

Yeah, exactly.

From the movie Princess Mononoke, a Studio Ghibli film. But I can imagine a world where you met a guy who was into Studio Ghibli films and he started talking about his favorite movies being those movies on a first date. And I'm not saying you specifically, but someone in your shoes would go away going, Oh, my God. Like, you can't even-- even his favorite movies are literally the same as my favorite movies. And because they mean so much to you, the fact that he loved those movies felt really meaningful. And you can have lots of little details like that early on that feel really significant.

And deep, but they're not like-- But.

There'S a lot of, you know, assholes who like those movies. I'm sure. There's a lot of, like, superficial people who like those movies. I have no doubt. It's not every, every person who likes those movies isn't awesome. And, and I think that you can apply that to many different things. You can say lots of things about what you believe about life. You know, I just really believe life is about You know, finding the thing you're really passionate about, going for it, and da-da-da. And you go, Wow, that's family. I'm that way. Yeah, I've pursued my passion and I believe in taking like these unorthodox routes in life. And I'm really close to my family and they're really close to theirs. And oh my God, we both really believe in the concept of family.

You like pizza? I like pizza.

But you know that these things, I guess the point is these things actually feel a lot deeper than pizza, right? It feels like family is When you talk about your family, and I go, Wow, that's how I think about my family.

There's nothing deeper than pizza, I would just like to tell you.

Sorry.

Sorry. Continue your sentence.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there's, sorry. There's some good mukbang videos, no doubt, with pizza. David can point you in the direction of... Pull them up. Pull them up. It feels important and deep when you're connecting on that level.

Mm-.

But it doesn't, it doesn't really, it doesn't say a lot. In a lot of ways, it feels deep. It's not that deep. Lots of people are close to their families. It doesn't mean they're gonna be an awesome teammate. Doesn't even mean they're awesome to their family, by the way.

It just means they've said they care about family.

It just means that family and family might be important to them. But it doesn't mean you'll be great in a relationship together. And it certainly doesn't mean they even want a relationship. And the fact that the two of you looked at each other and went, oh my God, we're so alike, it doesn't mean that you want the same things. And so at the risk of having labored this point, I do think this is super important because it, and I do think it brings us full circle to this question on whether two dates in you should ask them if they're seeing anyone else, because the very question is predicated on this idea that it's really important already. Instead of realizing that even if it looks like we have a lot in common now, actually our commonality, our true commonality is going to get revealed more and more as time goes on with how much effort we put in here. with the way we show up for each other, with our character and what our character is revealed to be, even with, you know, the fact that this person is on the same page as you as you go forward about not wanting to see other people.

Yeah.

To Circle that ground to this exact point of if you want to find out whether you're exclusive on a second date or, you know, is it okay to find that out, I think that the answer for me in short is I wouldn't ask that question.

Yeah, I remember you said they might feel too pressured and like not a lot of good can come from it that early on.

Yes. So I think there's two sides to it. The first one is that I think most people on date two have not yet decided whether they like you or not. And they've definitely not decided whether they like you or not enough to just be like, okay, it's you and me now. It's all about you. So I think that it's too soon for that reason. I also think that there are things you can do in order to make someone really like you so that it organically progresses. And the more it organically progresses, the more somebody wants to see more of you, want more of your time, want more of your energy, want you to come and do this, want your Advice on this, they want to invite you for this. Then you build up a sort of leverage around this idea of exclusivity, which is, wow, you're getting a lot of me. What am I... like, not what am I getting, but kind of like, what is it worth to you? This is all this time I'm giving you.

Which is a great place for me to say that we have a new free guide. that when you actually get to that place with someone where you feel like you have real leverage, not a fear-based response of, I'm two dates in and I already want to lock them down, because that's just fear-based. That's another form of scarcity. But if you're coming from a place of leverage where you're like, I'm investing real time and energy into this person at this point, we have an amazing thing going, But I need to take a temperature here of whether we're on the same page, 'cause I'm starting to get to the point where this is encroaching on other things in my life. And I wouldn't be giving it this much investment and energy if we weren't on the same page. If you're getting to that stage, this guide will give you some really great, essentially scripts for how to have some of those conversations. And they're kind of boundary setting, standards, upholding conversations. And you can get that at boldstandards.com this is brand new. We've actually never released this before and super practical in the vein- I think.

This will actually be the first time we talk about this particular guide.

Oh, amazing.

Yeah.

Well, we, this is like in the vein of the old school Matthew Hussey guides from like 10 years ago where we would release these guides that kind of went viral and got passed around by people because they were very, very useful. This is, we haven't released one in years, a new one. So this is a new one that everyone should go and download. It's completely free and you can get it at bold standards. .com. But to your point about this, I actually think that we send a certain message if after two dates we're saying to someone, Are you seeing anyone else? And the message is kind of that we're coming from a place of fear, maybe even a place of weakness, of we don't have options and we don't have things going on in our life. And so the We found a good thing and we now immediately want to lock it down and cling onto it and make sure it doesn't go anywhere. Which that desire to immediately put something in a box and say, you can't get out of this box, I need.

To know- Put it in my jar.

Yeah, I need to know this is mine. Even that is sending a kind of message. It's saying, I'm the one who's gaining something. Yeah, not we're gaining something. It's like, I'm the one who's gaining something. I want to know that you're not with anybody else. And it says, you've already made the sale.

For sure. And look, I think you have to be so... It's really, this isn't a revolutionary thing to say on my part, but I do think it's really important to keep reminding ourselves because we forget all the time. You know, instead of thinking, do they like me? It really has to be, do I like them? You know, as I see more of this person, do I feel like this person could actually be the kind of person I want to be with?

Have they made the sale yet? And if after two dates, they've already made the sale?

It's not them.

What's going on here? On what basis have they made this sale? How have they sold me this quickly? And probably you'll find it's something superficial. The answer will almost invariably be something superficial.

They're really charismatic. They're really good looking.

They're hot. I haven't been with someone this hot. Like, what? Can I have you by myself?

Get in my jar.

Yeah, get in my jar. Please.

He's sexy.

Are you in anyone else's jar? Are you?

Yeah. Yeah.

It's true though. It's probably something superficial that you've told yourself is really important and you can't afford to lose them. Because if the connection is there and there's intention there, then the progress, it's going to support, it's going to be self-supporting. It's not going to need you to cling to it. And, you know, it's like the person that I've worked with who went on a date feeling really ill. Oh, I.

Remember you talking about this.

And she said, I've since laughed with her about this because she has heard me telling this story and In public, obviously keeping her anonymous, but she has laughed about it and said, oh my God, the more I hear you tell this story, the more... It's been good for her because she's got a level of awareness looking at it from a distance. But she went on a date feeling really sick, and her justification for it was, I didn't want him to be somebody else's. I felt like if I didn't act, he was so eligible that you know, someone else would have snapped him up.

Yeah.

Like that is a, you know, a kind of really coming from a place of fear and not abundance. It's not backing your own product. It's not backing the connection you say you have with the person. Because if you back your own product and you back the connection that apparently you have, then you don't need to force it in that way. And you certainly don't need to show up to a date sick, knowing you could wait two days or three days to feel better and go out then. Now, you said, I remember when you were giving this advice, and we'll finish up with this. You said it's better to have the conversation when you're about to sleep together or when you're investing a lot of time starting to meet their friends. you know, and then when you leave it a little while, when you do have the conversation, you are really stating your vision for what you want it to be. So, you know, I'm really enjoying this. It's really fun. You're a great person. Very light and positive language, and, you know, if we if things carry on the way they are now, I'd love for us to just focus on each other, you know? And again, if you go to boldstandards.com, we outline more of this kind of thing in detail. But it's an example of the kind of lightness that you can bring to these conversations when the time is right. It doesn't need to come from a place of heaviness.

Yeah.

We're having a good time. You're awesome. I'm awesome. You know.

Get in my job.

Get in my job. Exactly. Exactly. But you're also making sure that they know they're not- I remember you saying when you were coaching the Love Life Group, that it was about making sure they know they're not signing a contract. It's just that for now, you're focusing on each other, or at least that's what you'd like if you continue to put time and energy into this. And that you both reserve the right to end it at any time. That's fine. But the best way to see what it is is to give it a go.

Yeah.

And you feel like the two of you are at that stage where if you keep going, it should be to actually give it a go. And if they're not on the same page as you there, then that's okay. But probably best not to go any further.

And I think something really important to highlight is that if you are.

So.

Nervous about having that conversation, you're probably Something's probably gone wrong. Either it's too soon to have it, or they have made sure that you don't feel comfortable enough to have that conversation with them by keeping you at arm's length.

Or you're thinking that your life's gonna end if you lose them, which it's not. You've convinced yourself the stakes are so high that I can't dare ask where they feel like this is going. And let's take them off that pedestal. Let's take them, they don't have the power over your life and your happiness. You probably didn't know them three months ago. They're not that important. You were surviving just fine without them the day before you met them.

Yeah.

So get in my jar.

And let us know what you thought about this episode.

Yeah, let us know. Podcast@matthewhussie.com is the email. Where you can let us know and you can say nice things or you could say not nice things. Either way, the email comes to us.

Make sure that the subject line is Get in my jar.

Get in my jar or just title it nice things or not nice things so that we know whether to open it or not. Yeah, we know if we need to be brave when we open it. Now, don't forget everyone, if you enjoyed this episode, you will really enjoy the free guide that we have created. Boldstandards.com is the link. It's free. It'll take you 10 seconds. And it's the first free guide we've put out like this in quite a lot, in literally years, in fact. So go check it out. And don't forget to join my newsletter, the3relationships.com, that's the number three not the word three, the3relationships.com, and I'll see you in your inbox this Friday. I'll see you in your jar this Friday. No, not that. David's shaking his head. He doesn't like it. Okay, then I will see you in your inbox this Friday. Thank you. Be well and love life. Bye.