How To AVOID Dating "Players" | Matt Monday

This is an ad by Regain Couples Therapy. Let's be honest, loving your partner doesn't mean you always like them and guess what, that's normal. Regain offers couples therapy that's flexible, affordable, and 100% online. Whether you're reconnecting or working through conflict, Regain is here to support you both. See why people wish they'd try couples therapy sooner. Visit regain.com/couplespod to get 10% off your first month. That's Regain.com/couplespod Everything from clothing to household.

Items are getting more expensive each day. American Giant is about keeping things simple and close to home. They aren't affected by tariffs because their products never leave the US. Support American made, tariff-free clothing with American Giant with American Giant. Get 20% off your first order when you use promo code STAPLE20 at American-Giant.com that's 20% off when you use code STAPLE20 at American-Giant.com.

Attraction is just a box to be checked.

It's not a sport.

Connections aren't the only thing that make great relationships. Character makes great relationships. Welcome to the Love Life Podcast. It's me, Matthew Hussey.

Enjoy this classic clip from our archives.

And if you want to let me.

Know what you think or how this podcast is helping you, don't forget to leave me a review on iTunes under the Love Life Podcast. Enjoy. You have to decide what's important to you and what's valuable to you, because otherwise, you'll do anything. You'll say yes just because something feels exciting, regardless of whether it's off brand for your company or whether you've got the time for it, whether it fits into your top three priorities for the year. Something comes along and it just feels sexy, it feels shiny. But when you really step back from it, you go, this doesn't this doesn't fit with our company's values or this isn't in line with our goals. This is going to be a distraction. You know, the dating equivalent to that could be someone who wants children and they're 38 years old and they end up flirting at a party with a 23 year old, and they hit it off and there's this chemistry and it feels fun and it feels exciting and at no point, you know, it's now month two and you're still seeing this person. And at no point are you really acknowledging the fact that you've got a window if you want to have children biologically. and that that's really important to you. Maybe you haven't even admitted how important it is to yourself because you're so wrapped up in the feelings you have and the chemistry you have with this person and how exciting it is. And you're not acknowledging that this person is absolutely not on the same trajectory as you, that this isn't in their sights. for another five or 10 years. And even if they're telling you, it's a, well, you know, I'm not sure what I want yet. You can't be with someone if you're, if that's really important to you and it, your time is starting to slip away. You can't be with someone that isn't sure that what they want in that department yet. because you're making too big of a bet. And I feel like I almost want to rewind and say, I shouldn't be saying you can't. That's not for me to say. But I get passionate about this because I'm almost speaking on behalf of that person themselves and being an advocate for what I know they really want. Because they're not being an advocate for it themselves. Right now, they have sort of silenced the part of themselves that five years from now is gonna be going, why? Yeah, there's like a misranking of priorities going on. Yeah, because when we feel something, when we find mutual attraction, it feels like the most important thing in the world. And we talk in the book about the four levels of importance that, you know, in any situation, Admiration being the first one, that's when you just think someone's hot, sexy, impressive, charismatic, or they have great qualities, or you think they're super eligible. But admiration is level one of importance, which is to say it's not very important at all. Because in admiration, that person doesn't like you back. They may not even know you exist. You could feel that way about someone who works in your building, who doesn't know who you are. So, the second level is more important, which is level two. That's mutual attraction. That's where you have chemistry, some connection. There's something drawing the two of you to each other. And that feels really important. It actually feels way more important than it is. Because most people, especially as they get older and they start to feel like, They, you know, maybe their social life isn't as expansive as it once was. It feels a little harder to meet people. When we meet someone we're attracted to and then they like us back, it feels like the holy grail. It feels like the most important thing in the world. But it's still only level two because level three is commitment. if you want a relationship, then, and you're willing to say yes to a relationship, is that person willing to say yes to a relationship?

Right.

Are you saying yes? It's a wildly underrated phase of important level of importance. It's amazing how many people have made someone the most important thing in the world to them, even though that person's not saying yes to a relationship. Yes, they're saying they're not ready. They're confused. They don't know what they want. They want to travel the world. They don't want to you know, whatever reason they give for why they can't go all in, what it amounts to is that person doesn't want a relationship with you, even though you want one with them. So there are a lot of people who are overvaluing level two mutual attraction and wildly undervaluing level three commitment.

What I usually say is lower the bar for who you're going to match with on a dating app. Like, don't feel like you need to be immediately attracted to them.

Mm-.

Because the people you're going to feel immediately attracted to are maybe, you know, if you haven't had a lot of success up to this point, let's lower the bar. Let's give other guys a chance. Um, because you never know what might happen if you're on a date with someone. But, you know, you're the expert here. Like, what would you say?

I think there's so much truth to what you're saying because really, you're not talking about lowering the bar in general. You're talking about, in a way, lowering the bar in a, in very narrow areas.

Mm-.

Like how someone comes across in a profile or on the first five minutes of meeting them.

Yeah.

You know, there are people that are just incredible sales people, and they come across really well in the first five minutes. They're very compelling people. There are people that have a great elevator pitch. Not all the best books have the best elevator pitches for that book.

Yeah.

The best titles and covers. Yeah, exactly.

There are some really good books that have really terrible titles. Yeah.

And they're really hard. If you say to some, if someone said to you, what's the book about? You'd you'd probably give a terrible elevator pitch for it, even though you're a fan of that book.

Yeah.

You know, not everything is the most easily marketable thing, but it doesn't mean it's not the best thing or it's not an amazing thing. And I think we constantly in the world of dating reward the best marketers. Yeah, not necessarily the best partners. And that I think is where when you say lower the bar, what I hear is don't it's not lowering the bar on the quality of person is lowering the bar on the very narrow attributes. Yeah, that we use. to decide whether someone should get through the door. And a lot of those attributes that we have traditionally used to determine whether someone should get through the door are very egoically driven attributes that we want. We, you know, often I think it's hard sometimes to distinguish between what it is we want or I'm not usually a fan of this kind of language, but it's like what our soul what would make us happy to be with, and what qualities we're looking for because we think they'll make us look good. You know, that, oh, my friends would think this person is hot. My family would think this person is awesome because of, you know, who they are or their status or how much they've achieved, or because of how they walk into a room and dazzle everybody. Like, there's a very egoic element to dating that plays a part, I think, in a bigger way than we give it credit for. And so instead of, it's like instead of dating the person that will make us the happiest, we date the person that we think will make us look the most impressive to our peers, to our network, in our world. And that is where I think people get in a lot of trouble and they keep dating for the wrong things over and over again.

Did you watch the show Pam and Tommy?

Yes.

It's just interesting because so often with, I mean that's very much probably how you could describe that relationship where it was like Tommy Lee or Pamela Anderson really knew she had a bad thing for bad boys and then Tommy Lee comes in like the ultimate bad boy and still sweeps her off her feet and she kind of knowingly falls into it. But it's just so perfect that that happened in a celebrity type situation because celebrities get in these kind of situations because there's no one in their life to just kind of like check them.

Yeah.

You know? So it's a very isolating kind of thing. You can see why that toxicity happens in that circumstance. But yeah, if you have that, if you have the more of those compasses, I think that's really beautiful framework.

And that's an interesting example because in that situation, I think if I remember right, the first scene of them meeting is him being like a disaster. A really obnoxious person in a club. And, you know, kind of, coming over to her with absolutely no regard for her friends, very, like, obnoxiously direct. It's not, there's no conscientiousness at all involved in anything he does. And it's all about, like, he's the, you know, what he wants there is the most important thing in the room. And, She finds it exciting because he's bold and he's direct and it feels sexy, but she's ignoring the absence of all of these things that would make someone a kind, conscientious, good human being in that situation. Now, you can have someone who's direct and bold and all of those things, but those other qualities better show up. And if you're ignoring them, that's where the disaster begins. Because all you're doing is looking at the things you find attractive. You're not looking at the fundamental qualities that are missing in this person. And you're hoping that one day those things will arrive. And they won't, of course.

This is where first dates can get really dangerous. A date is a measure of someone's impact more than anything else. You can feel a great connection with someone who in actual fact, is just really, really good at creating the right impact. They know what questions to ask. They look in your eyes and listen intently as you give your answers. They know how to connect with your answers and be relatable and say, oh my God, that's just like me. I find that too. There's just this rapport that they're incredible at creating. And this is, of course, I'm talking on the slightly more not manipulative end of the spectrum, although it could be, but just with people who are really, really good with people. people who want to impress you and what's one way I know how to impress? Make an amazing connection with you. So some people are just really good at that and in their presence we feel so special and we feel so heard, we feel so seen. But if it was just on one date then that wasn't so much a measure of your connection with that person as it was a measure of their impact on you in the time you had. Then of course there's the more innocent end of the spectrum. There are people who are just huge people pleasers who are also really good at making you feel heard and seen and connected because they're going out of their way to validate everything you're saying. They don't disagree with you, they connect with everything, they go along with everything and you think, wow, me and this person just have so much in common. But really what it is, is someone who's just eager to please you with the things they say. Have you ever met anyone where you thought you had an amazing connection with them, but the more time went on, the more you thought to yourself, oh, you were actually just saying what you thought I wanted to hear. This wasn't really you. It's also true that if we go back to that person who is just really good with people or even narcissistic.

At the more insidious end of the.

Spectrum, that these people can make us feel incredible for a short time, and then they get distracted and their attention goes somewhere else. And when their attention is on us, it is like a laser beam that feels so good, but then they move on. I've had that with people before where I've been so charmed by them. I thought we've had the amazing connection. And then I realized they're just charming. And it sobers me up because I realized, oh, we weren't gonna be best friends forever. They just were really, really good at connecting with me in that moment. So we have to stop telling ourselves the story about someone who has an amazing first date being someone who has huge potential for our love lives.

One of the things that I talk.

About in this new book, let's see what chapter it is. This is so new. that I don't even know what chapter it is. Ah, chapter two, how to tell love stories. This entire chapter of the book, for those of you that have pre-ordered, circle that chapter now, is about the false love stories we tell ourselves about situations that don't actually represent any real potential. Of course, someone who just disappears after a date shows no potential whatsoever by definition. But because of the connection we felt, we now tell ourselves an incredible love story. about what that situation should materialize into. Remember, for a true love story to occur, you need not just connection, you need intention, you need investment, you need someone who's actually committed to making the story go somewhere. Connection is not intention. Do you need to be attracted? Yes, on some level, of course.

I'm not, this isn't a video about.

Go for people you're not attracted to. But it is me saying that attraction is just a box to be checked. It's not a sport that someone has to win.

They don't have to be the most.

Attractive person you've ever dated. They don't have to match up to that person that you once dated that you felt an insane attraction for or this incredible spark with that you'd never felt before that. It's not a competition between them and the chemistry you've had in the past. or how good looking someone has been in the past. Because a relationship that's extraordinary is built and it's built by two people who check a lot of boxes for each other. So attraction is a box that needs to be checked. Once you've checked it, now it's time to actually see what other things they have that long term perhaps are going to be much more important than that one box.

I remember in my own history, from Jersey was dating basically the same guy in different bodies again and again and again and again. And like as an Italian American, we have this term, it's called a guido, if you've ever heard of it. It's like somebody who's like, got a lot of muscles, definitely went to a tanning salon, definitely has some gold chains. So I had that same type of boyfriend like over and over and over and over and it never quite worked out. And I remember when I first saw Josh, he was not that. he was very different than that. Different like from, you know, he's Jewish, I'm Italian. He's like a filmmaker or an actor. Like all these different things were 17 years apart. Like there were all the things that none of who he was on paper was, quote unquote, my blueprint at all. It was almost like the opposite. And yet, and yet, Matthew, I felt more myself around him than anyone I had ever dated. I felt more me. So the qualities in me that were seeming to get amplified were the best qualities in me. My sense of humor, right? My heart, my desire to be expressive. And I noticed in myself that blueprint just melting away because of who I started showing up as. And then I started thinking back and I was like, wow, when I was dating all those guidos over and over again, the most insecure parts of me were showing up where I felt needy or grabby or just like I wasn't enough and everything about me wasn't. It was just, I was so floored by how diametrically different I felt and how I was showing up that that's what made the blueprint melt away. So what I would just encourage is to not come from here, but if you have that incredible bravery to put yourself in some new situations and say yes to whether it's going to a party, being out at a social event, maybe having a coffee date or some type of exposure to other people that again, don't fit your blueprint, to just do it from a place of playfulness and non expectation and do it as a way to start seeing how you show up differently with different humans, regardless of what their external form is. And then this is something that I think most of us know, but I can never hear it enough. You know, I think when we're kind of in our late teens and 20s and maybe even 30s, you know, there's still so much around the physical attraction. The physical attraction, of course, is incredibly important. We know that. But we all also know that that stuff doesn't last. It just doesn't. We all change and evolve as we get older. and one of the things that's really come to me is how grateful I am that I chose and continue to love someone because of who they are on the inside. I mean, I've watched myself change all of us, right? It's not a bad thing. It's a beautiful thing. This is like part of our human journey is that we're not going to look the same and the external shell is going to change and it's going to be different. But what are the qualities of that person that you want to be with? How big is their heart? are they loyal when you're with them? Do they make you feel like what you have to say and what you have to think is important? And I think that's so individual for all of us. So for me as a person, freedom is my number one value in life. And to be with a man who really respects and gets how important my freedom is to me, you know, and this is just little stuff, but the other thing that was really important to me was I was very clear that I didn't want to have biological kids. and so many of the guys that I dated beforehand who fit that blueprint, they were like, okay, so we're gonna get married and we're gonna, I'm like, are you looking at this thing? Like, have you heard what I said to you? Like, I have no interest in any of that. You know, I don't want kids. I don't wanna get married. And so for me, it was a lot about the experience of being with people outside of my quote unquote blueprint that taught me it's about those inner qualities and how I show up with that person that made all the difference. So pay less attention to your head. Don't get twisted about the complicatedness of it and just get your butt out there and start feeling your way into new truths.

Thanks for listening. And before you go, if it is a priority for you this year to find your person, I have a practical roadmap for you in a free training I did called Dating with Results. It's a 60-minute training. It is helping so many people right now who are going through it. And you can be one of them by going to datingwithresults.com. I'll see you over there and enjoy the training.