How to Choose the Right Person: Matt Monday

Your feelings will tell you to text the person who hurt you, to go on one more date with the guy who isn't sure what he wants right now. The truth is, often what feels good in the moment is exactly what we need to avoid doing. [tk] if you've ever thought, why do I keep falling for the wrong people? You are not alone. But the better question is, why does the wrong person feel so right? That isn't just a bad habit. It's a wiring issue. And until we change our internal wiring the way we experience attraction itself, we will keep gravitating toward what we know, even if it hurts us. if you're not intentional, your patterns will keep choosing people for you. Let's change that and get you better results starting today. Look, we all have patterns that sabotage our love life. Patterns rooted in fear, in ego, in early wounds that taught us to chase what feels familiar instead of what's actually good for us. Some of us get stuck chasing emotionally unavailable people. Some over-invest at the first sign of hope. Others hold back from love altogether, saying dating apps just don't work for me, while secretly feeling defeated and alone. These patterns do not define you, but they do determine the outcome you get until you learn to interrupt them. Okay, step one to changing our wiring when it comes to attraction is we have to make change necessary. Change doesn't begin with belief. It begins with necessity. The moment we finally look at ourselves and say, this isn't just hurting, it's costing me everything I want. Wasted time, missed chances, the hope of a family, the peace of mind that we thought we were building toward. In my book, Love Life, I talk about the example of micro-dosing in love, which can mean staying in touch with someone who isn't really available, hooking up with an ex, or holding on to someone who gives you just enough to keep you hooked. If you're doing any of these things, it's time to get honest. What is the real cost of staying here? I mean, at least when we get our heart broken, the pain passes eventually. But microdosing is like an old vinyl record with a scratch where the needle keeps skipping. Heartache on loop. Every message, every hookup, every just checking in keeps their psychological imprint alive. It's never enough to satisfy, but just enough to stop us from moving on. And most dangerously of all, it can run out the clock on our opportunity to find someone who actually wants to be with us fully. Making change necessary is about being radically honest with yourself and asking, am I willing to pay for this short-term comfort with my hopes and dreams, or am I finally ready to choose differently? Step two, choose what's most important. Once you say no more, the next step is deciding what actually matters. Not what your ego wants, not what impresses your friends, not the checklist of traits you thought you needed. Because a lot of what we think we want in love is just noise. Your ego says, I want someone who proves I'm desirable, successful, good enough. But our long-term happiness wants someone we can fully be ourselves with. The problem is we often choose partners like we're casting a movie. Impressive on paper, exciting to talk about, but completely wrong for the role of actual partner in real life. I've seen people cling to charm, status, or attraction even when the relationship makes them feel anxious, small, or not good enough. Because deep down, they are trying to win to prove that they are worthy of someone who makes them feel unworthy. But love isn't something you prove. It's something you feel safe in. So instead of asking, what do I want in a person? Ask, what do I need to feel at peace in a relationship? Maybe it's emotional consistency, kindness, shared values, patience, someone who follows through, makes you laugh, makes you feel seen about how obsessive you are about the quantity of milk that is acceptable in your tea, and someone who is ready. Because let's not forget, the right person isn't just right, they are ready. And if they're not ready, they cannot be right. So look back. What was missing the last time you were deeply unhappy in love? What did you need but never got? The answer will show you exactly what should matter to you the most this time around. If this is speaking to you, if you're done falling into the same patterns, attracting the same unavailable people or overthinking every step, then don't miss my free live event that I am hosting on May the 20th. It's called Dating Made Simple: the no nonsense approach to finding love in 2025 without settling for less. In this event, I'm going to go through the number one mistake people make early on that keeps them stuck in casual situationships, how to spot time wasters before you get emotionally invested, how to keep someone's attention without playing games or compromising on what you need, what to text after a great first date to build momentum without second guessing yourself, and How to keep the right ones engaged and excited about you. You'll walk away with a clear, actionable plan to take back control of your love life and build the relationship you actually deserve. Just go to lovelifetraining.com or click the link in the description below to save your spot. It's free and I needed to tell you about this before I kept going. Step number three, follow your path, not your feelings. Once you've chosen a new path, you have to walk it. And this is where most people fall off because following your feelings in the moment is easy, but following your values, that takes discipline. Your feelings will tell you to text the person who hurt you, to go on one more date with the guy who isn't sure what he wants right now. The truth is, often what feels good in the moment is exactly what we need to avoid doing. Start asking yourself, Will this feel good later? In 12-step groups, there's a saying, play the tape forward. In your love life, playing the tape forward looks like this. You're about to text someone you shouldn't. Play the tape forward. Now I'm in a conversation with them and they're starting to make me laugh again and they're charming and they're drawing me back in. Play the tape forward. Now I'm in their bed. Play the tape forward. Now it's three weeks later and I'm back in a situationship with this person that isn't going anywhere, feeling bad about myself, my confidence is being eroded, and when I finally have to break it off again, I have fresh heartbreak that I have to get over all over again. Play the tape forward. When Audrey and I were first dating, I was the one who pulled away. She did not chase. She didn't try to convince me. She just quietly stepped back and stayed aligned with her values. That told me everything I needed to know about the kind of woman she was and it changed everything about the way I showed up. Once you know your path, you have to walk it. Which brings us on to step number four. Communicate your path with confidence. It's not enough to just quietly walk your path. At some point, you have to be willing to share it clearly and confidently with the people you're dating. Not as an ultimatum, not as a performance, just as a reflection of what matters to you. My friend Tanya spent years dating with serious intentions, but things only began to shift when she stopped trying to keep things casual to see where it goes and started calmly owning her standards. She actually started telling people she was dating, I don't sleep with anyone unless we're in a committed relationship. Not to pressure them, not to prove a point, but just as a way to be honest about where she stood. And guess what? The wrong people weeded themselves out. but she eventually found someone who respected that and she married him a few years later. You might have a different boundary. This isn't about following her rules specifically. It's about having the courage to share your own, whatever that is for you. That kind of clarity is attractive. It shows you know yourself and it saves you from wasting time on people who were never on the same path to begin with. And by the way, if you ever feel unsure about how to say these things, how to communicate what you want without scaring someone off, use Matthew AI to help. I created this tool to help you with exactly this, whether it's figuring out the right message to send, how to bring something up, or how to express a boundary without sounding too defensive. It gives you calm, clear language when it matters most. You can go and try this for free at askmh.com Remember, when you share your path with intention, the right people don't run. They recognize you. Step number five, don't comparison shop for chemistry. Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Chemistry. You meet someone new, they're kind, present, emotionally available, boring. It feels flat. There's no spark. So your mind drifts to someone you felt enormous attraction to, who you hate. But still, why can't you just feel that again? It's worth asking why we felt so much attraction towards that person in the first place. Oh, well that's easy, Matthew, it's because they were impossibly good-looking and I felt alive when I was with them. Okay, well that is possible, I suppose. But I also know that what used to happen for me a lot, and you can tell me if this happened for you too, is that someone would seem so alluring when I wasn't sure if they liked me. But the moment I felt safe that they did like me, that was when my fault finding began. Now, some people will say, Aha! But I remember a relationship where I never lost that attraction. I felt utterly obsessed with them the entire time. Well, maybe. Or was it a relationship where you never really felt safe? I had a relationship like this before, one where the high never wore off because I never really felt like I had the person. When you never feel safe in a relationship, the chase never really ends. So the intensity that we feel in these situations isn't love, it's instability. It's the adrenaline of trying to earn someone who never gave us solid ground to stand on. We need to stop confusing tension with compatibility. And we need to stop comparing grounded, available people to chaotic experiences that were never going to last. But here's some good news. We can feel attraction with a lot more people than we think we can. Attraction doesn't have to come in the form of our predefined type. And as long as there's a baseline of curiosity and intrigue about someone in the beginning, chemistry can grow over time. It's surprising how much we can become attracted to someone from the way they move, how they carry themselves, and the things they say. you can suddenly find yourself unable to stop talking about someone who, when your friends ask, can we see a picture? You're like, yeah, let me pull one up. And then you scroll and you go, that's not a great one of them. Hang on. Well, that's not a great one of them either. I'm not. I'll find that none of these look like them. I'll find one that actually does and I'll show it to you. What you're really saying is you had to be there. And why is that? Because attraction isn't a profile. It's a presence. And attraction that lasts is built on real presence, not somebody's absence. It grows through shared values, safety, and laughter. It grows when you accept how good it is to feel seen, not when you're busy trying to be chosen. Look, rewiring your attraction doesn't happen overnight, but it is possible, and it's easier than you think. If you want help making this shift and you want that help from me, come join me live on May the 20th for Dating Made Simple. Just one hour could shift everything about the way you show up in love. You are not too late, you are not broken, you're just ready for something better. I'll see you on May 20th.