2 Feb 2021 · 3 min
Matthew AI explains why dating disappointments hurt so much: we fall for the fantasy of who someone could be, not who they actually are. He uses the poet versus poetry metaphor to show how imagining potential creates anxiety and heartbreak. Real relationships require valuing the actual work and investment, not the promise.
What do getting nervous on a date, being upset that someone isn't texting you back, and not being able to get over a breakup all have in common? Well, a few minutes ago, something really cool happened live on my members webinar. I was asked a question by one of my members, and I said something that is gonna shed light on many different situations you could be facing right now and is gonna change your mindset forever. So check it out right now, and I will see you at the end of this video. So much of that is being invested in the fantasy of a person, their potential. And the reason that we go on a date with someone and we put them on a pedestal and we get so excited about them is because we've allowed the story to get ahead of where it really is. Human beings, we're very good at creating story. We imagine where this will go based on their qualities, based on how great we are together. We imagine where it will go, where it could go, and that story starts playing out in our imagination. And that starts to feed these nerves that we have because of course, when the story gets better, when the possibilities get bigger, the stakes get higher. And when the stakes get higher, we get more nervous. This is true in any area of life, often an area where you're getting disproportionately nervous. is an area where you've built up too much story about what it could be. I've been disappointed before. I've texted someone that I wanted to see again or that I wanted to see for the first time. I've asked for their number. We've exchanged details and then when it comes to getting on a date, they never follow through. And I'm like, oh man, because I know in my head I've already built this up to be something. She was really pretty when I approached her in that coffee shop and, you know, there was a certain way about her and she sort of looked like the love of my life. I think this is the person, right? You go into that mindset and then when they don't call you back for a first date, when they don't go out on a date with you, you think you've lost something really special, right? But that's not, that's antithetical to the idea of having something special because having something special is when someone is actually trying, when someone is actually with you for the ride. That's the truth of what's special. It will reveal itself to you because it's obvious. There was a story that Harry told me the other day of Charles Bukowski who woke up with someone one morning and she had stolen, when she left, she'd stolen his poetry. And he was really upset by this. He didn't have much he cared about, but he cared about his writing. And she had stolen his poetry and he decided to sit down and write a new poem. And in the poem, there's a line where he says, and obviously in a state of mind where he's so sad that he lost the poetry, this thing that he'd worked hard on. Harry, I want you to jump on and tell us the exact line because I want to get it right.
Okay, I'll start from here. Next time, take my left arm or a 50, but not my poems. I'm not Shakespeare, but sometimes simply there won't be any more abstract or otherwise. There'll always be money and whores and drunkards down to the last bomb. But as God said, crossing his legs, I see where I have made plenty of poets, but not so very much poetry.
I see where I have made plenty of poets, but not so very much poetry. that that should be, I want you to keep that in your mind for every relationship or every potential relationship you're ever in. Anytime you find yourself overvaluing someone on a date, anytime you find yourself being so scared to lose someone because of the potential of what it could be, that's valuing the poet. That's being on a date and valuing the poet and the poet's potential. But the poetry is where it's at. The poetry is two people working hard in a relationship to make it work. The poetry is the sacrifices. The poetry is we We take time and energy over the years to understand each other, to work together, to figure out how to make each other happier, to figure out how to be more compassionate towards each other's weaknesses, flaws, insecurity. The poetry is what we build. That's the poetry. The poet is the person you go on a date with and gives you a great date because they're super charismatic. Ooh, the potential. I bet one day they could write great poetry. Or if they're not writing it, who gives a fuck? Right? Poetry is what people actually invest into a relationship. That's when you sit and you do the hard part. Anyone can say, I've got a great poem in me. Anyone can say, One day I'm gonna write a book. That's not where the value is. The value is in the book. The value is in the person that actually puts pen to paper. That's a real relationship, putting pen to paper. The poet, what's that? It's an idea. It's an idea. It's potential. It's romance. But it's not the real thing. Where are you overvaluing the poet and completely undervaluing the poetry of a relationship? I really wanted to show you this because firstly, I believe that that concept is going to change your mindset for good. You'll never be able to un-know that idea of overvaluing the poet and undervaluing the poetry. But I also want to stress to you that There is a bigger journey that you can take with me than just being here on YouTube or Instagram or Facebook or wherever you're watching this, which is just bite-sized chunks. But I'm not big honestly on the inspiration of a bite-sized chunk. I think that the way we scroll through these things on social media makes them a passing moment of wisdom that has no impact in our lives. What I wanna do is take you on a bigger journey where you become part of a club with me that is actually doing the work of building the right muscle every month. whether it's in your love life, your confidence, your communication, the results that you're getting, I wanna do something with you that actually engages you. That moment was me responding to a question from one of my community, bringing in my brother Harry to feed an idea that I just heard. Things happen in real time in a very dynamic way as part of these coaching calls. And I'll be blunt, if you're not on it, you are missing out right now. You're missing out on something very special. and not just something very special, but something that genuinely is changing the lives of my members. And I feel like I can be blunt about this because if you're not already a member, you can even just try it for 14 days. You don't have to sign up and make a commitment right now. You can trial it for 14 days, see what it's gonna do for you, and then make a decision. But I cannot tell you the number of people who just try it, dip their toe in the water, and when they get there and they spend an hour with us in this dynamic way, realize I can't believe I've been missing this for the last however many years. So if you like what I do, if you engage with it on a social media level but you want to be more intentional about actually getting the results that come from this knowledge, come with me to askmh.com and sign up for a free trial. Just try it. Other than that, as always, I will see you next week.
